The Spirit Detective

Well this sucks, first I was turned to stone for a thousand years, and now after returning to normal. I i'm being forced to learn how to be a good citizen. Here I thought my life couldn't get worse. Not to mention that the one who is going to be teaching me this crap, is none other then Solar bitches lap dog. If I wasn't at risk of turning into stone again, I would show this lavender cunt a piece of my mind.

Right now we are inside her library, which to my surprise is completely made from a living tree. She said something about magic. or some crap like that. This would probably explain a good number of things, for example. How Celestia was able to keep me still with that strange, gold energy. Now that I think about it, I think I saw the same colored energy surrounding the horn on her head.

Oh yeah, on top of the inhabitants being ponies. There seems to be different types of these ponies. Some have horns, which I would assume are unicorns. Some with wings, Pegasus I presume. Then there are unlucky bastards who have neither. Oh yeah, forgot to add that Solar bitch has both. I have no idea what to call her, a pegacorn. No that sounds stupid.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. shortly after being released from stone I was introduced to the six ponies who encased me in stone for the second time. The second I walked up to them, this pink menace by the name Pinkie Pie I think. Tackled me and spat out a thousand words per minute. All I was able to pick up was something like.

"Oh my gosh, I so can't wait to throw you a, no longer in stone party."

She then proceeded to run off into the distance for who knows what. She is lucky she left, because I was about to shut her up.

The orange coated one with the cowboy hat on by the name of Applejack, was the second to introduce their self to me. Oh my god she fit her name perfectly, and had the most annoying country accent ever, she wouldn't stop rambling on about how she worked on a apple farm. I swear I never heard of so many ways to make apples.

Next was this dramatic bitch named Rarity, who said that they owned a fashion business. I didn't catch the name of it, because I was to busy blanking it out. She was one of those girls who were all materialistic, and those are by far the worse. I hate upper class culture, and they can all suck it.

Oh, the next one Rainbow Dash was so full of herself. She said to me that I didn't scare her, and that I didn't look tough at all. I of course called her out on her dumbness, and then she tried to get up in my face. Lets just say that if I wasn't at risk of turning to stone, she wouldn't get the taste of shoe out of her mouth for weeks.

There was this yellow one called Fluttershy, but she was to busy trying to help Discord after his little, well, accident. I didn't really get to introduce myself, except for the glance she gave me after seeing if Discord was okay.

Last but not least is Celestia's personal lap dog, Twilight Sparkle. If their was a word to describe a nerd who has transcended all other nerds, she would fit it. It was her who had took on the task of making me a better citizen. from their the others said there goodbyes, and me and her were off to her place.

I am now sitting on her couch, which was uncomfortable because it was made for ponies. Twilight sat down next to me with a quill and parchment, and began to ask me questions.

"So, first things first. What are you exactly."

I glared at her with a annoyed face and responded.

"Of course that's the first thing you ask. I bet you find me weird don't you?

"No, nothing like that. Its just... nothing like you has ever been seen in Equestria before." she told me.

This place is called Equestria? Great, I bet everything here is going to have a horse pun to it. God kill me now.

"Well to answer your question, I am a human. We are from a place called Earth, and most of us are a bunch of dicks who preach about what is wrong all the time.

Twilight looked at me with a mixture of excitement, and confusion over what I said.

"Well judging by you I can believe that your people don't seem like the happiest bunch, but tell me more about this Earth." She asked with mirth.

"Well it's a nice looking planet, and is the only one we know of to have life on it. There is plenty of different places to visit, and the food is not half bad. All in all it's a decent place."

Twilight just stared at me for a good solid minute before I frustratedly asked her.

"Whats with all the staring bitch?"

She shook her head three times before asking.

"I... I'm sorry from what you're saying it seems to imply we live on the same planet, but that can't be possible. This planet is named Equus, and there are definitely no humans here.

I looked at her with shock, well I don't know what I was expecting. It is clear as day that I am no longer on Earth. I then sighed and looked her in the eyes.

"Okay this was going to happen sooner or later, so I suppose that now is a better time then later. I was not always the man you see before you. Long ago I was just your average guy on Earth, but one day I came across this mysterious merchant. He was selling this ring here."

I took off the ring on my right index finger, and showed it to Twilight.

"This right her is called a concentration ring. It makes it were my Spirit energy attacks launched out of my finger are much stronger. To some up spirit energy, it's the energy that is within everyone. With proper training anyone can use it. Anyway back to the story, soon after buying this ring I blacked out. The last thing I heard was the merchants laugh. I woke up in this strange ass place populated by you ponies. You probably know the rest from here."

Twilight yet again stared at me. she opened her mouth a couple times, but nothing came out. Half a minute later she finally spoke.

"So... from what your saying, is that you were sent here from your world to here by this mysterious merchant.

I replied angrily. "I don't know, but what I do know is that the person who did send me here is going to get his ass kicked.

I then punched my fist into my hand to show that I was serious. It was silent for a good part of minute after that before Twilight said.

"Well, thanks for answering all my questions."

"So am I free to go now?"  I asked glaring at her with my eyebrow raised.

"Yes."

"About god damned time, this couch is uncomfortable." I sat up from the couch, and walked over to the door.

"I'm going to see what this place has to offer." I then kicked open the door. My mouth went agape when I saw ponyville in complete chaos.

"What the fuck did I miss."