YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS AREN'T EVEN WORTH HITTING WITH A HYPER BEAM

Sandra Gardenia was not having a good day. First, though she’d managed to cobble together half of the Gardevoir cosplay she wanted to dress in, the shirt had gone mysteriously missing. Second, the other cosplay she’d prepared for the occasion, a Team Fortress 2 Soldier cosplay, had also been somehow vandalized, missing everything below the torso area. Oh, and the helmet, but she had a top hat stuffed into her bag.

Then, an idea struck her.

Donning the red shirt that went with her Soldier cosplay, working it around (And tearing a hole in the back) the fake gem for her Gardevoir cosplay, she quickly affixed every piece together, coming out with a whole costume that seemed made to fit together.

“Oh yeah,” she muttered to herself, “I make this look good.”

Five minutes later, she was out the door with her spray painted and modified Nerf Gun/Rocket Launcher, ready to kick ass and take names–that is, walk around and buy things.

Or at least she would have been were it not for the massive chunk of yellow metal that chose exactly that moment to slam home into the Earth, creating a crater visible from Mars. That is, it destroyed the whole planet.

Luckily for her, Sandra’s corpse had managed to stay stubbornly clung to a rather large chunk of planet-rubble, buried underneath, and mostly impaled by, a shard of golden, glowing metal.  Said metal had also penetrated most of her effects, from her cobbled together prop weapons, to her bags, and, unfortunately, her eyeballs.

Yes, this is a sad sight indeed, but this is not the end of Sandra’s story. For, though frozen and dead and impaled she may be, she is also impaled by a good fifteen pounds of pure, high grade Australium. This, along with several other cosmic factors that just so happened to favor Sandra’s dead body, managed to launch her corpse-carrying rubble piece out of the space-time continuum and into a stable orbit in the Void.

And of course, we all know what lies in the Void.

Enter Aaron Heibai, on vacation from his own storyline, thus marking this as a canonically non-canon cameo.

“Shh! Shut up! I don’t want anyone else to know I’m here, jerkface!”

Rather difficult, considering that I just narrated your existence. Now why don’t you just read off the script and we can get the narration going again, huh?

“Fffffffine…” Aaron sulked, taking out a sheaf of papers and giving them a quick skim. As he did so, he idly nudged Sandra’s final resting place with his foot, bringing it to a halt in front of him.

“Seriously, another Displaced? Really?” Aaron whined, tossing the script behind him. “Alright alright. I’ll play. But if we’re gonna play… we’re gonna play my way. Lights!”

He snapped, floodlights from indeterminable sources spilling out and concentrating upon his shadowed form. “Alright… Ahem…”

And to a quiet song, he began his work, a rainbow of colors stretching from his form and wrapping around the prone corpse of Sandra, by now already starting to deteriorate into Void particles. A soft glow came from both figures, the shattered rubble of the former planet fading away in a haze of particles. And as the glow increased in intensity, Sandra’s body faded with it, becoming shorter and slimmer, skin fading to a porcelain white. Her wig melded to her skull, changing color from green to a vibrant red. The Australium chunk in her chest twisted and bent, becoming smooth and rounded, perfectly attached to her skeleton and nerves. The shirt she had worn became fused to her dress, the both of them resizing, becoming nearly skin tight. An armband appeared with a symbol of a rocket in a circle, wrapping around her left bicep.

At this point, Aaron was waving his arms like a conductor, the swirl of colors completely detached from his body. Sandra’s body was now whole once again, even her eyes repaired, irises replaced and interwoven with shards of Australium. As Sandra’s body finished recovering, Aaron turned his attention to the rest of her effects, repairing her grenade belt and enchanting it with an auto-refill, turning her modified Nerf Gun into a useable weapon, adding a shovel shaped guitar with sharpened edges to her inventory.

Finally, he dusted off the fallen top hat, restoring it and making it nigh indestructible in the process. Song concluded, he placed the top hat upon the unconscious Gardevoir and shook her awake.

“Hey… Hey. Wake up. Yo. Up and at ‘em. Get up. Hello? Dammit. Wake up, lazy ass.”

“Gar… de… Voir? Voir voir garde voir arde ga gar!” Sandra, or rather, Gardevoir shot up immediately, confused and disoriented, three separate facets of existence warring for control in her mind.

Aaron pushed her back down, gently restraining her until she lay still and calmed down. “Hey, hey. Calm thoughts, luv. Calm thoughts. Now, I know you’ve got a splitting headache right now, but I need you to clear your head and think clearly for a moment. Now, use your brain and try to tell me your name.”

Gardevoir shook her head, desperately trying to focus. As she did so, the gem in her chest and her eyes began to pulse, a voice carrying through the Void and into Aaron’s mind.

“Wh-who am I?”

“Oh, that’s interesting…” Aaron mused, idly scanning Gardevoir’s brainwaves, “It appears that the two new facets of your mind have wiped out some vital information about yourself and replaced it with their own. That explains why you can’t speak normally anymore… and why you don’t know your own name.”

“What do you mean ‘facets’?”

“Well you are experiencing flashes of memories that seem to contradict each other, yes?”

“Y-yes, why?”

“Those are the extra two facets in your mind, Sandra. I’m guessing one set of them shows a lot of concrete bunkers and violence while another set shows peaceful living in the woods, yeah?

“Wh- how did you know?”

“Cuz I’m awesome. Okay, point is, I gotta leave in a little bit, so I’m gonna wrap this up and give you the important points. One: You died and I resurrected you because… well… nevermind. Two: You’re now a Gardevoir instead of a human. Three: You have three sets of memories all striving for balance. I’ll help with that, but only once I finish this up. Four: Earth went kablooey and you’ve been tainted by the Void, so I’m gonna have to send you somewhere else to live out your life. Si-wait, no. Five, yes, five: Everything you had on you when you died, I fixed up and made a part of you– that is, they’re yours and no one else can use them. Okay, I think that’s all the important parts. Any questions?”

“... You keep calling me ‘Sandra’... is that who I am?”

“If you wish to choose a different name, you can, but yes, that is who you were before you died. Now, hold still, I’m going to fix your little… problem.” Aaron reached over and, before Sandra could react, slammed his hand wrist deep into her skull.

Sandra screamed in surprise, before falling limp while Aaron shuffled her memories around. Five minutes of weirdness later, he withdrew his hand, apparently satisfied with his mental restructuring. “So, feel better?”

“I-yes, actually. What did you do… and why do some things feel like they’re missing?”

“Well, my dear, I simply fixed your little… mental problem. The missing pieces will come in time, those are just memories that had to be repressed in order for you to continue as you are. Like, for instance, I had to suppress your memory of being human so that your body wouldn’t unconsciously reject your own Gardevoir abilities. I also had to adjust a lot of memories so that your body would be more used to handling your weapons as you are now, instead of as a male mercenary with a brain the size of a peanut.”

“I… that’s… useful?” Gardevoir shrugged, picking up her launcher and noticing its comfortable weight. “It feels like I’ve owned this thing for years… I bet I could disassemble it and reassemble it in less than a minute…”

“Well, kit up Sandra, you’re moving out. You can’t stay in the Void forever, y’know? It’d tear you apart… literally.” Aaron shrugged, as if to say ‘what can ya do?’. Gardevoir nodded, slipping on her grenade belt and slinging her shovel/guitar over her shoulder. She attached her launcher to its strap and hung her shotgun behind her, on her hip. Then she turned back to Aaron.

“Well? How shall I go?”

Aaron grinned and snapped his finger, a red and yellow pokeball appearing and sucking Gardevoir in with a quiet burst of noise. The voidwalker wound up and flung the ball on an arcing path, the ball flying out of sight in mere moments.

“Yo narrator! Ten bucks says she lands in Equestria!”

Sucker bet, idiot. We both read the script.

“Fiiine.”

A beat.

“Welp, I’m gone! Jupiter’s probably getting antsy.” Aaron waved goodbye to the camera and disappeared with a tiny pop!

Far away, in Equestria– “Hah! Called it!”– Shut up Aaron, didn’t you leave?

Ahem.

Far away, in Equestria, a fierce battle raged. Ponies versus the invading forces of Tartarus. Both sides took heavy casualties, the ponies dying far more often than the demons that crawled out of Tartarus. Celestia was at her wits end, she couldn’t be everywhere at once; not while demons probed the land’s defenses from all sides. She tried to make solace with the fact that her sister and her former protegé had several other places well in hoof, as well as the fact that her niece had managed to form a shield large enough to cover all of the evacuated refugees in the Crystal Empire.

Every single citizen of Equestria was, at this point, either fighting and dying in the front lines, or huddled under Cadence’s massive blue shield up north. The demons were, after all used to immolating heat, not frozen cold, despite being mostly dark colors and shades of blue. Celestia shook her head and dodged a swipe from an alpha demon, the beast itself stretching up twenty feet, colored blue and grey with fangs and horns.

As she dodged and parried, a stray blast of fel magick struck her in the side, deflecting off her armor, but distracting her enough that the alpha demon managed to strike her with a solid blow, sending her to the dirt. Celestia looked up in very real fear; a single alpha demon may not be enough to kill her, but if she was incapacitated, she knew that the tide of battle would change for the worse.

The alpha demon rose up, talons outstretched, ready to rend flesh from bone. The claw came down, screaming through the air.

Wait, Celestia thought, that’s not right. The whistling couldn’t be from the claw, as it had stopped in midair as the owner looked for the source of the sound.

And then it happened.

A flaming orb dropped from nowhere, punching a perfect hole straight through the alpha demon’s head, killing it instantly. The ball impacted in front of Celestia, stopping right as the button upon it pressed against her forehoof.

And in a flash of brilliant white light, a whole new player entered the game.

“I don’t know who the hell you are or where the hell I am… but these blue fuckers are going down!”