Rarity's Butt

Kirk turned off his computer completely frustrated, because he got his ass handed to him by Timbo in a 1v1 matchup.  "God damn it how can I ever face my one true god?" He said as he cried many tears in the closet that is his computer room.  He had tried many times before to defeat the Timbo but he was just a complete scrub who couldn't end games. He went down to the basement of his house where he had kept his shrine to rarity's butt to pray for forgiveness.  As he was "praying" his great friend Timbo Granthur came in and saw everything.  "Jesus fucking Christ Kirk what the fuck are you doing to that image of Rarity's butt" Timbo asked gracefully. Timbo noticed that Kirk was doing something dangerously close to his shrine for Rarity.  "What are you doing in my house Timbo?"  Kirk said with his back to him shaking something rather vigorously.  Kirk slowly began to turn and face Timbo and Timbo's face cringed with horror, expecting the worst.  Kirk then let out a massive load of axe body spray from the can he had in his hands.  "Eww gross it's disgusting get it away from me." Timbo yelled at Kirk.  Just then from out of nowhere Douggy B. jumped from the shadows spouting some nonsense about physics.  Timbo was confused at this sudden plot development as he was told it wouldn't be that type of fan fiction.  "YOU! YOU DIDN'T LABEL YOUR DIAGRAMS!" Douggy B. shouted.  Without much hesitation Timbo escaped Kirk's house being tailed only by the most purest form of rage that was Douggy B..  Now alone and most certainly confused, Kirk went back to the shrine of Rarity and made a wish. "I wish for the greatest fedora in the world." Kirk had wished for things by the alter many times before but nothing had ever happened but on this specific occasion Kirk had felt different, almost as if a portal was opening up nearby.  Shrugging off the oddly specific "feeling" Kirk went back to his room to sleep,  he thought that surely the fedora will be delivered to his house by tomorrow.

...

Kirk awoke inside a house he did not remember falling asleep in, which is very odd because this is not usually how this thing works.  Kirk got up to take a look through the only window in the room.  The outside was very dark and everything was blurred, but there was one thing that Kirk could see clearly.  It was Timbo.  Timbo was outside the window and he was holding onto something.  Kirk looked closer and was shocked at what he saw.  Timbo had in his hands the greatest fedora-

...

Kirk woke up back in his room in a cold sweat.  Truly this was the most terrifying dream Kirk had ever experienced in his life.  Kirk had gotten ready for whatever it was he was going to do this morning when he heard some noise coming from the basement.  It was not like any noise Kirk had ever heard before.  It sounded almost like the type of thing Samurai warriors got constantly flung into.  When he went down into his basement to check on the noise he had realized it was just that.  Where there once was his shrine to Rarity there was now a portal to another dimension.  A voice came from the portal.  "Kirk, we have your fedora. Enter the portal."  Kirk had always been told never to get into questionable vans if the promise of candy was mentioned.  However, fedoras were on the line and this was no van.  If Kirk was to ever show his face in the live streaming community he had to have that fedora.  Before Kirk could make a decision Timbo appeared behind him and pushed him into the portal and then jumped after him out of sheer boredom.