I can't get fat, I'm an alicorn!
A deep blue eye twitched as it tried in vain to focus on the scroll floating in front of it, a quill flicking about in thought. Or, lack thereof. Incessant munching and crunching noises echoed off the tiled walls, occasionally interrupted by the tinkling of a hoof being shoved into a glass bowl.
“Sister, please... Can’t thou be less noisy?”
The response was forced through a mouthful of dry, flat potato chips. A disappointed sigh was heard. “Thou really should cut back on thy snacking. The chips of potato are not the healthiest food in our country, after all.”
Celestia swallowed. “Oh come now Luna, I highly doubt this is going to wreck my figure.” She laughed, saliva-soaked crumbs peppering the air in front of her. “Besides, I love Barbeque-flavor!”
Luna shot her a gawk. “Thou doest realize that ‘barbeque’ is a method of preparing meat, correct?”
A white shrug. “It works well when seasoning potato chips.” The white alicorn shoved another hoof-full into her mouth. “Anth I’m uh alvikuhrn. Ah dhnt thig ah chn get fht.”
Blue eyes drifted down to the older mare’s midsection, noticing how it seemed to be slightly round. “Are you sure, sister?”
“Mmhmph.” Celestia shoved her hoof into her stomach, expecting it to halt upon contact, but was surprised when her belly swallowed it up like a water balloon. She blinked, and turned to Luna.
A smile tugged at the darker mare’s blue lips, her eyes glistening with amusement.
Princess Celestia shot her a glare, swallowing her mouthful of junk food. “...It’s not funny, Luna.” This only caused the smaller alicorn to audibly snicker.
“Understood...” More snickering.
Celestia peeled her eyes off of her sister, choosing to ignore her, and stuck her gilded hoof into the bowl next to her. She frowned as she realized it was empty. “Night Shade!”
One of Luna’s Night Guards zipped in front of the white goddess. “You called, your highness?” He nodded as his superior flicked a white hoof at the empty glass bowl, and picked it up in his wings before darting out a nearby doorway.
Celestia smirked. “He knows what I want.”
“I wholeheartedy suggest that thou request a salad instead of more unhealthy fried sna-” Luna was interrupted as the magically-altered bat guard returned, toting a glass bowl filled with seasoned potato chips. Her eyes shined at him. “Night Shade, take those back and prepare a salad.”
The white alicorn glared at her, before smiling warmly at the conflicted guard. “Don’t mind Princess Luna, just set those chips right here on this table...” She patted the glass mesa with her front hoof.
“A salad, Night Shade. Doesn’t thou think the Mistress of the Sun is losing her figure?”
The guard simply raised a hoof, mouth open to speak, before cringing as the white alicorn yelled at him.
“I said, on the table!” Celestia’s outburst caused the stallion’s ears to fold back against his head, and he hastily dropped the bowl onto the table before running away in fright. The older princess stared at the door he fled through, pretending to contemplate as she shoved more potato chips down her gullet.
Luna sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. “At this rate, thou are going to turn into one of those fat, tyrannical political figures that we see in Western countries...”
The only reply was a hearty, obese laugh.
*** *** ***
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sister? Thou may be immortal, but I do not believe immortality will protect thou from thy own gorging.” She pursed her lips as she noticed how her speech seemed to be fluctuating between the Royal ‘We’ and the way modern ponies spoke.
A large knife cut a dainty slice out of the famous Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, a delicacy prepared by Ponyville’s own Sugar Cube Corner, before everything except that one slice soon disappeared down a white gullet. “I don’t know what you mean, Luna. A little cake won’t hurt anypony.”
Luna’s eyebrows furrowed. “A little? Sister, thou are really going overboard!”
A small lavender unicorn approached with a friendly smile on her face, before it gave way to perplexion as her purple eyes analyzed Celestia’s oddly pudgy body. “Princess? Uhm...” A purple hoof scuffed at the floor. “Have you ever thought about visiting a personal trainer? Or at least... uh... changing your diet? I-I know you really like sweets, but it really isn’t healthy to eat them all the time...”
Luna smirked at Celestia. “I told you.”
The white alicorn frowned. Since Gabby Gums had written an article about her being ‘just like’ normal ponies, she no longer felt uncomfortable eating sugary foods in public. She had before, but now that everypony knew...
She snorted. Personal training her plot. She cast a sidelong glance at the other ponies in the room -- they were holding a party of sorts. There was pulsating techno-dance music managed by a grinning blue-maned white unicorn with large purple glasses, several ponies dancing amidst the flashing lights, and a confections table -- Oh sweet Faust, the confections table! -- all in her castle ballroom. Hmm... She could trot over there and dance. Dancing was exercise, right?
It wasn’t long before she was gleefully hopping to the beat with the rest of the ponies, although unfortunately she was not the best dancer in Equestria, and her ‘dancing’ involved a lot of swinging herself around. She obliviously knocked smaller ponies away with her colossal flank as she giggled and spun, sending them into nearby furniture. She didn’t notice as she smacked a large orange stallion and sent him spinning into the confections table, catapulting (what was left of) the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness through the air to land on one unfortunate mare. Said mare screamed and ran around in neat-freak panic, before unfortunately meeting the Royal Flank and crashing through the large window on the wall. Her screams faded away as she fell two hundred feet and splashed into the river below.
The music ground to a halt, and all the dancing ponies gathered around the shattered window to investigate, murmuring worriedly to each other. Celestia frowned at Luna. “Uhm...”
A sigh was heard. “I’ll get the medical papers...”
*** *** ***
A quill floated daintily above a piece of parchment, occasionally dipping to write. Celestia was currently signing a form to cover all medical charges on Mint Chocolate, as the poor mare was now in the hospital in a full body cast, and her family absolutely could not afford the medical bill. Turns out, hitting water at terminal velocity was equivalent to hitting concrete at terminal velocity. The white alicorn felt horrible, her face locked in a despaired frown as she pondered if Mint Chocolate was going to be okay.
She levitated another slice of a Sweet Apple Acres Apple Pie to her mouth, before biting into it, the apple sauce sticking to her muzzle. The sweet taste helped to distract her from her troubles. Luna had insisted that she stop eating so much junk food, so Celestia decided to sign the papers in her private chambers, where her sister couldn’t see her eating the pastry. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, right?
Another bite, and her mouth exploded with tart flavor. Not quite as good as the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness -- she needed to hire the Cakes to bake her another one -- but still delicious.
Her ears shot up as she heard the distinctive creak of her door opening, and she immediately shoved the pie under her bed, vigorously wiping her face with a nearby towel. A small purple hoof stepped in the doorway, followed by the body of her student. “Princess, Luna wanted me to talk to you about all the sweets you’ve been eating... It really isn’t healthy. You’re immortal, yes, but your body works the same way as other ponies, you know. Too much cake will make you fat.”
Celestia laughed to herself, disregarding the unicorn’s warning. “Oh, Twilight, I’m not fat! See?” She again shoved her hoof into her underbelly. It was like there was a big hungry monster in there, eager to devour her entire foreleg.
After a moment, Twilight snickered, earning a regal glare. Celestia sighed. She wanted her apple pie. Suddenly, the young student was knocked spiraling head-over-hooves through the air as ravenous group of sharply-dressed ponies with microphones stampeded into the princess’s private quarters.
A large microphone was shoved into her face. “Princess Celestia, ponies all over are recommending you to join the Professional Wrestling League of Equestria! An anonymous orange stallion reports that your flank has the destructive power of the sun itself!” one of the ponies shouted enthusiastically, as if talking to a large crowd.
Celestia closed her mouth, just now noticing that it was hanging wide open. A groan came from behind her, before Twilight dragged herself to the princess’s side, wiping her mane out of her eyes. Looking behind her, the alicorn noted that there was a suspiciously Twilight-shaped dent in the wall.
“Uh... I’m afraid I don’t do wrestling...” It was a sport in which huge, sweaty earth stallions crawled all over each other and tried to cut off the other’s air supply. Not really her thing. Besides, would it be cheating, since she was much larger than a normal pony?
The reporter simply blinked. “Are you sure? Think of all the public appeal you’d get!”
Celestia scratched her chin with a curious forehoof. “Well...” Hey, wrestling was exercise, right? At least it would get Luna off of her flank. “Perhaps I could-”
She wasn’t even able to finish her sentence before she was dragged off by the horde of newsponies, who, despite their numbers, were still having trouble moving her.
And then one of them pulled a latex mask over her face.
“Oh, Faust...”
(A/N:) And this is why you don’t give me coffee, folks. Blame Beige Monkfish. This is ALL his fault. Will Celestia survive this “wrestling” sport she has been drafted into? Will she CRUSH her competition with her solar-powered flank? Will she perhaps go under an alias? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL Z!
I can't get fat, I'm an alicorn!
Inertia is a property of matter
The arena was filled with the deafening cheers of hundreds of ponies. Pounding heavy rock music accompanied it, turned up so loud that the distortion of the electric guitar caused the bleachers to vibrate. The spotlights mounted on the catwalks overhead moved around in unorthodox ways, their operators whipping them all over the room to further excite the crowd.
A loud hiss overpowered the cheering and music as steam blasted up from the raised platform in the center, a grinning, sunglasses-wearing beige earth pony with a microphone clipped onto his vest emerging from the thick mist. He had a megaphone as a cutie mark.
“HELLO, EVERYPONY! WELCOME TO PONYVILLE’S UNDERGROUND WRESTLING LEAGUE, HOSTED BY YOURS TRULY, FEEDBACK!” The earth pony’s surprisingly deep voice boomed over the loudspeakers, his vocalization reverberating off the walls. The architecture actually increased the echo. “WE HAVE AN EXCITING MATCH FOR YOU TONIGHT! IIIIN THE BLUE CORNER, WE HAVE YOUR FAVORITE ROUGH N’ TOUGH STALLION, STEAAAAAAKKK DIINNEEERRRRR!!!”
The crowd roared as another blast of steam rose from one end of the ring, a muscular yellow earth stallion with a large scar across one eye walking out, calm and collect.
“AAAAAND IN THE RED CORNER, WE HAVE A NEWCOMER, AN OVERSIZED UNICORN FROM AMAREICA! PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TOOOO... LEAAAAD FLAAAAANNKKKK!!!”
Princess Celestia lifted a forehoof to her mouth, coughing painfully as she walked through the plume of gas. It wasn’t actually steam -- it tasted oddly of carrots. Or more accurately... carrot cake. Mmmmm...
The crowd apparently did not show favoritism -- they shrieked just as loud for her as they did for the pony who was apparently her opponent. Steak Dinner? A very strange name for a wrestler pony... Well, it wasn’t too much goofier than her alias. Where the heck was Amareica? And she really didn’t see why the announcer compared her flank to the one of the heaviest elements on the Periodic Tabl-oh. Just for a moment, she wished she knew a spell to shoot a laser from her eyes, just so she could fry him with her glare.
She approached the earth stallion, her thick black vest scraping uncomfortably against her wings. One of the wrestling manager ponies made her wear it, along with a matching mask, so that nopony would know who she was. She snorted. Yeah, right. As if the fact that she was nearly twice the size of the average mare (not to mention her flowing multicolored mane) wasn’t a dead giveaway.
Yet, there were no ponies shouting “Hey, it’s Princess Celestia!” at her. Steak Dinner simply stared up at her grandiose stature. His cutie mark was a fork. How fitting. Celestia’s violet eyes scanned the nearby crowd, seeing nothing more than smiling faces, faces buried in popcorn, and the occasional foam finger. Nopony recognized her.
Faust, were these ponies that stupid?
“WE’RE FOLLOWING TRADITIONAL ‘SAY UNCLE’ RULES FOR THIS MATCH. FIGHT TO THE SURRENDER! OR UNTIL ONE OF YOU PASSES OUT. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST! HAH HAH HAH HAH!” The announcer exited the stage, and the music stopped, leaving only the cheering of the crowd to fill the air.
A bell was rung. The earth stallion charged at her, obviously intending to knock her over, but upon colliding with her side he bounced away as if he had run straight into a flabby trampoline. He landed on his back with a grunt, blinking to recover from his temporary daze.
With a sigh, Celestia turned her rump to face him. With a heavy whump and a distinctively un-stallionly squeak, his head and torso vanished underneath her massive glutes. Muffled screams issued from beneath the alicorn’s flank as the stallion’s yellow limbs flailed wildly, trying to push her off, but to no avail. He was up against the destructive power of the sun itself! Oh, and lead. Lots of lead.
Celestia wore a bored expression as she waited patiently, wondering if this was cheating. After a few more seconds, the flailing slowed and stopped, the stallion’s yellow limbs lying limp on the floor.
“AAAAAND WE HAVE A KNOCKOUT!!”
The bell rang twice, and the crowd roared as Celestia picked up her flank, revealing a gasping, blue-faced earth pony. After his face regained its color, he jumped to his hooves and scampered away as quickly as possible.
Feedback walked onto the stage, his shiny white grin beaming like a toothy flashlight. “CONGRATULATIONS LEAD FLANK, YOU HAVE WON YOUR FIRST MATCH WITHOUT EVEN LIFTING A HOOF! DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS FOR THE CROWD, OR TAUNTS FOR YOUR FUTURE OPPONENTS? HOW ABOUT EXPLAINING TO US HOW YOU GOT TO BE SO BIG? EATING YOUR VEGETABLES?”
“Lead Flank! Lead Flank! Lead Flank! Lead Flank!” the crowd chanted. Celestia sighed angrily.
“I want more chips...” she grumbled as she walked away.
*** *** ***
Crunching noises filled the living room as the two royal sisters sat next to each other, sitting lazily on a lavender couch and staring at a strange box mounted on top of another box. It had a moving picture on it.
“Sho uhm, whft ifth shish thhng?” Celestia asked around a mouthful of Garden Salsa-flavored wheat chips.
Luna, who was actually keeping her distance from the voluptuous alicorn on the other side of the couch, took a breath. “It’s a ‘television’. It’s something that the Science and Arcane Research Institute of Amareica invented. It’s supposed to let ponies see what other ponies are doing over a large distance,” she said slowly, carefully, making sure not to slip into the Royal ‘We’. She shot a momentary glare at her sister. “Now, thou-... you promised you would eat a salad after this bowl.”
Celestia swallowed. “I’ll get around to it.” Her sister facehoofed.
The ‘television’ showed a middle-aged pink pegasus with a short-cut deep blue mane hovering in place as another pony with a microphone asked her questions. “Oh! Oh! I love Lead Flank! I mean, she’s crazy tough!” the mare said in an oddly tomboyish voice, flexing both of her forelegs. “She’s so fat, but so awesome!” And now she was shoving her hooves into her face to create a fish-mouth.
“Thank you, Firefly! Tell me, what else...” The rest of the interviewer’s sentence was cut off by Luna’s giggling. Once again, Celestia wished she could fire lasers from her eyes. Could she? It couldn’t be that hard.
The white alicorn reached into her glass bowl, but again it was empty. Her sister smirked at her, before getting up to leave. “I’ll prepare thy-... your salad, dear sister,” she laughed as her starry tail disappeared through the doorway.
Celestia nervously looked around, before her horn lit up with bright yellow magic and a familiar apple pie emerged from beneath the couch. The alicorn almost released a very un-royal squee as she smiled, opening her mouth to take a bite.
It was like heaven. In her mouth. Yeahhhh.
She would have time to enjoy the entire pie, too! Knowing how bad Luna was with cooking, it would no doubt take her ten minutes to-
“Princess Celestia?”
She choked on her bite of pie, her head whipping to the source of the voice. It was Twilight again, closely followed by Rainbow Dash. She quickly stored her pie back beneath the couch, smiling innocently. Her horn glowed as she conjured a little halo above her head.
“Heya Princess! Twilight was telling me about how you’re eating a lot of crap, and that you might need a personal trai-...” Dash’s amethyst eyes widened as she stared at the television screen, specifically at the pink pegasus mare. “...M... Mom...?” she whispered. Her head whipped to Twilight. “I-I’m sorry Twi, I have to go. I haven’t seen her in ten years!” she shouted as she flew full-speed out the door.
The unicorn pointed a hoof after her. “Dash, Wait! The princess needs a trainer! Hold o-... Awwghh,” she groaned, bringing a hoof to her face. “Celestia damn it...”
The alicorn in question blinked in surprise. “What am I damning?”
Twilight momentarily froze up with a quiet gasp. “N-nothing!” She shook her head vigorously up at her mentor. “Uhh... Well, I was trying to get Dash to be your personal trainer, but it looks like she has... more important things to do.” She facehoofed again, once again cursing the princess’s name under her breath.
Celestia grinned silently at her protégé, wishing for her to leave so she could finish her pie. A bead of sweat rolled down the back of her neck as she locked eyes with Twilight, her face frozen. She turned her attention back to the screen of a television. There was a huge, burly earth pony standing only about a foot away from the camera.
“Yeah? I don’t care who she is! You hear me, Lead Flank!? You’re goin’ down!” he shouted in a deep, gruff, rumbling voice, pressing his face against the camera before he was pulled away. Celestia did not take his threat to heart -- she could just sit on him.
She shifted to a more comfortable position on the couch, but it released a loud crack before collapsing in on itself. She stared down at it, wide-eyed.
“Sister, I have returned, and I brought your-” Luna almost dropped the salad bowl she was levitating at the sight of the white blob sprawled over the broken piece of furniture. “Oh, my... You really do need to lose weight. I fear for the rest of the castle’s furniture, particularly your throne.” There was a moment of silence, before she fell into a fit of laughter.
Celestia rose to her hooves, stomping. “I am not fat!”
Twilight, who was currently levitating the television’s remote to change the channel, lost her footing at the princess’s stomping, and accidentally tossed the remote at her. It flew towards her underbelly... and then it was gone. The alicorn stared at her gut, blinking. Twilight walked around her, looking around her hooves for any sign of the device.
Luna was rolling on the floor, gripping her sides as she bellowed with laughter. Celestia groaned.
*** *** ***
A new day, a new sun. Forget the troubles of yesterday, she had always told her personal protégé. Forget thy troubles, gorge thyself with cake.
She glanced around at the yellow-and-pink walls of Sugar Cube Corner, sitting daintily at one of the tables and feasting on a delectable piece of Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. It was only one cake, as opposed to the multi-leveled masterpiece the dish usually was. If she was going to lose weight... she had to start somewhere. One cake, instead of four. That was an improvement, right?
“Do you like it, Princess?” a particular pink party pony asked, happily bouncing up and down next to Celestia’s table. The alicorn nodded happily, earning a little high-pitched squee from her subject. “Yee-hee-heeee!!”
A few minutes passed, and Celestia had almost finished her cake. Pinkie frowned at her. “Princess, don’t you think that too much tasty cake eating will make you... ya’ know...?”
The princess laughed, jiggling. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Pinkie! I can’t get fat; I’m an alicorn!”
The eclectically happy party pony’s face brightened with a wide grin. “Ooooh, a namedrop! Smooth!”
Celestia raised an eyebrow at that, but decided to dismiss it. Pinkie sometimes didn’t make sense, but Celestia didn’t get to be a princess by being judgemental.
The bell above Sugar Cube Corner’s door rang melodically as another pony entered, followed by a short gasp. “Princess! You’re not supposed to be eating more cake!”
Celestia groaned in obvious discontent.
“You’re supposed to be trying to lose weight!”
A white muzzle dropped into white forehooves. Go away, Twilight. You’re ruining my happy place.
“Didn’t I already tell you about how being an alicorn does not give you a ridiculous metabolism?” Twilight asked, staring at her mentor.
“You should listen to Twilight, Princess. She was an alicorn once,” Pinkie added, pursing her lips as she gazed at Celestia. The princess picked her head up, raising an eyebrow at her student. Twilight in turn raised one at Pinkie.
“Pinkie, what are you talking about?” Twilight asked.
The sugar-jacked mare blinked a few times in realization. “Oh, whoopsie! Wrong story!” She grinned, beginning to bounce happily again.
Twilight cast a helpless glance at Celestia. “I still don’t understand what she means... She once tried to convince me that Fluttershy killed Dash with a giant red laser coming out of her forehooves.” She frowned.
Celestia nodded in mock understanding, before downing the rest of her cake. The bell above the front door rang again.
“So, Mom, this is Sugar Cube Corner! It’s where my friend Pinkie Pie works. Usually she’s-oh! Hey, guys!” Rainbow Dash greeted, hovering slightly off the ground next to a pink pegasus mare that bore a striking resemblance to her.
“Ooh! The plot thickens!” Pinkie chirped, continuing to bounce in place. There was a dreadful silence as all eyes turned to Celestia. Somepony very far away let out a loud cough. “...Heh, I stole that from a comment.”
“Uhm... it’s a cool place, I guess.” The pink pegasus raked her eyes over the environment. “I’m not really into sweets.”
“Alrighty then, Mom. I’ll see ya’ later, Pinkie; I gotta show my mom around town,” Dash said, a rainbow trail zipping out the door, followed closely by a dark blue streak.
“Erm... thanks for the cake, Pinkie, but I need to go,” Celestia said, getting up and walking out the doorway, wings held high above her. Unfortunately, her protégé followed her out.
*** *** ***
“So... Did you hear about that new competitor in the Equestrian Wrestling League? I’ve never even heard of Amareica before she showed up. Sweet Celestia, Amareican mares must all be huge!” Twilight gushed, grinning widely.
Celestia raised an eyebrow at her. She didn’t know that Twilight liked to watch wrestling. Just how popular was this sport, anyway? And... seriously? Even Twilight didn’t recognize her? Her costume wasn’t even that good!
“I want to meet her so I can run some diagnostics on her flank to see if it’s actually made of lead,” the scientist added. The princess resisted the urge to facehoof. “I heard that stallion is still in therapy!”
“Oh, yes... I know her quite well...”
Twilight stopped short with a gasp. “Y-you do??” she asked, the glint in her eye rivaling the sun as she smiled up at the alicorn. “Can you arrange for me to meet her? Please? Pleaaase?”
Celestia stared down at the excited unicorn, worried. She hadn’t expected this. “Uhm... Sure, I’ll see if she has some free time in her schedule...!” She grinned awkwardly. Please buy it, please buy it, please buy it...
Twilight began hopping around Celestia like a little filly, shouting “Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!”
The alicorn took a deep breath, before sighing in relief. She could always pretend that ‘Lead Flank’ was too busy to meet the little unicorn. Thank Faust. She began a hastened trot away, her student gleefully bouncing after her not unlike a pink party pony she had talked to just moments ago.
*** *** ***
Upon returning to the castle, Celestia almost immediately went to her royal kitchen. The heck with you, Luna and Twilight. I’ll eat as much tasty food as I want! She felt rather hefty, to be honest, but hey, it wasn’t that bad. Licking her lips, she telekinetically opened her refrigerator and peered inside at the delicious, mouth-watering cloud cake within. It was a delicacy made by pegasi, and apparently the main ingredient was a cloud made with sugar. She didn’t quite understand how that worked, but it didn’t matter. It was tasty.
Upon reaching out with her magic to grasp the sweet, sweet pastry, it fizzed out of existence, leaving only a note. Frowning, she brought it to her eyes.
Dearest Sister,
You are not listening to me. You’ve let yourself go! As such, by the request of Twilight Sparkle, I have booked Rainbow Dash to be your personal physical trainer to work off that... pudge you have acquired. In addition, the castle will be purged of any and all junk foods, including your favorite cake. You will also be watched at all times by two Royal Guards to make sure you don’t go out into Ponyville and procure any sweets behind my back. I’m very sorry, but this is the way it has to be.
Princess Luna
Celestia’s scream of denial could be heard all the way from Cloudsdale.
(A/N:) And the coffee lasts for Round Two! The buzz hasn’t died yet, no sir! And it’s still Beige’s fault!
Speaking of Beige Monkfish, the pony named “Feedback” is actually him in disguise. Totally.
Lastly, I live in America (Texas to be specific), so therefore I am allowed to poke fun at its stereotype. Yes, it’s incorrect. Asians can’t levitate bowls of rice, can they? Regardless, it’s very fun to play with. Amareica totally invented the Television, a device that encourages one to sit on their flank all day. Ha ha, get it?
