The Amisit Sanitatem Records

As I, Amisit Sanitatem, former lieutenant to the Unicorn division of the former Crystal Empire's Queens' forces - wow, try saying all that five times really fast, huh? - sit here in my aforementioned cozy little laboratory, I look out of my window at all the little crystal ponies toiling away in the streets below, preparing the defenses intended to slow the Equestrian army that our scouts have reported are hiding on the other side of the northern mountains.

They say that Princess Celestia and her sister, Princess Luna, themselves are leading the troops; a cause of slight concern for me personally if the stories surrounding their powers are to be believed, but more so if they don't like the wonderful little experiments I've been making from some 'volunteering' ponies I 'borrowed' from their kingdom. I worked hard on them and I don't want them getting broken so soon.

What can I say? We were passing by the neighborhood - excuse the horse pun there - and there they were, just asking to be picked up, stuffed in a dirty bag, and thrown into a vat full of even-I-don't-know-what. Sure, I could just have used some of the crystal ponies instead, but King Sombra says I'm not allowed to do hat anymore - thinning down the workforce means things around here don't get done. Party pooper.

Ah, King Sombra. It almost feels like yesterday you were just another foal in the court of the Crystal Palace. And your eyes didn't do that green and purple aura thing too.

What was it? A thousand years ago, perhaps, when we first met? Maybe a little longer than that, but about that long. Back during the reign of the previous ruler of the Crystal Empire, Princess Amore. Seriously, what do they have against the titles of 'queen' and 'king'? Anyway, back then, I actually served Princess Amore as one of her lieutenants, taking command of my own troop of elite crystal unicorn guards. They were well trained, always ready to respond to danger, and their horns sparkled more than that horrendous excuse of a vampire from those film I somehow know of.

I was also something of a scientist too. Experimenting away in my little workshop, playing with various potions and concoctions just to see what sort of reactions I could get. Granted, some of the time the reactions weren't very...positive, but at least I got this cool looking scar on my eye. And my head. And cheek. Pretty much all over my face, really. And the rest of my body. Mares dig a stallion with scars, right?

I don't now what your history books will tell you about Sombra later on in time, but believe it or not he was actually the general of Princess Amore's army. Yes, it's true. Who would have thought it, huh? One day the greatest evil dictator in the history of the empire is just a little foal who came to us from the frozen wastelands speaking only his name over and over again like a broken tape recorder. The next, he's a fully fledged general of a large defensive force who's also cuddling up in bed with a pretty cute mare.

What was her name....I believe it was...Radiant Hope? I really don't remember the names of the dead very good, I'm afraid. But I remember she was quite the looker. Nice rear too. Insert wolfish whistle here. Giggity.

Anyways, I was playing with my vials of goops and mictures when suddenly Sombra comes through my door, along with my then-assistant, Dark Charm. Nice fellow he was. Well, when he knew his position, that is. Always thought he was smarter than I, and often I had to teach that pest of an Earth pony a thing or two about adding extra limbs to a half-pony half-timberwolf hybrid.

"We have a situation on our hooves," Sombra said to the two of us.

"Alright, alright," I replied as I put my vial of foaming gunk down on the table, "I'll stop dumping my chemical waste in the royal swimming pool."

It was hard trying not to laugh at Sombra's and Dark Charm's looks when I said that. "What I was referring to, was a distress call from one of the villages outside of the empire boundries, but since you mentioned that little bit of information I think you and Dark Charm can go and investigate the matter," Sombra said.

"But I've important research to see to!" that little scrub Dark Charm whined.

"One of you two will go and investigate the matter, and one of you will do it now," Sombra told us sternly. His 'I am super serial serious' look wouldn't be intimidating until later on, but we'll get to that bridge and skip along it later. "I am needed by her majesty in the court, so hurry up and get going before I decide to shut down this lab and turn it into a playroom for my children."

As he turned to leave, I had to ask. "But you don't have any children?"

Sombra looked over his shoulder at me as he made for the door. "Oh, don't be so sure. With heat season approaching I'm sure I can remedy that problem," he replied with a smirk on his face. I could hear him chuckling as he magically closed the door on me and Dark Charm.

Dark Charm and I decided on a game of 'Heads and Tails' to determine who would go to find out the problem occurring outside our empire walls, but since we didn't have a coin to use, we instead resorted to flipping Dark Charm's pet experiment rat, Mr. Pointy Tooth. Unfortunately, Dark Charm's recent experiments had given the smelly rodent an extra head on its backside, which I appropriately had named Mr. Twitchy Eyes, so it was a while before we could arrive at a decision.

I ended up going. Technically, I'd have won if I hadn't accidentally severed the head and called 'Tails' beforehoof, but at least Dark Charm's rat looked normal again.

Well, save for a stump where the second head was, but close enough.