The Amisit Sanitatem Records

Oh, the good old days before Sombra usurped Princess Amore and seized the throne. Ah yes, it was a time when I served a princess instead of a maniacal tyrannical dictator who traded his soul with the Devil for power over the darkness. A time when I was respected and admired despite my oddities and strange methods. A time when I helped the weak and the defenseless and didn't use them in my twisted experiments.

Dear Mother Lauren Faust, I was so bloody boring back then.

When I arrived at the village, I found it to be a rather tiny little place. Not very luxurious and the look of it all wasn't exactly appealing, but at least they had the sense to put up fires around the place. The majority of them were earth ponies, and most of them were dirtied and clothed in rags. I'm not one to be discriminating towards other breeds since I consider them all beneath me, but earth ponies remind me too much of Dark Charm. I think it's the dirt on their hooves. Dark Charm reminds me of dirt. Dirt reminds me of Dark Charm. They compliment each very well. Especially if one were to dunk him in the stuff.

It surprises me to this day that some ponies are willing to build their homes so far away from areas that can provide their needs and services. I'm not fond of leaving the warmth of the empire for the harsh coldness of the world beyond its magnificent walls, even if I was duty-bound at the time to help those outside my home. Still, I will admit that there were a lot more interesting things that happened outside the empire than what happened within, and riding about on my magical cloud meant I could get from A to B quickly.

I suppose you stopped for a moment upon reading that last bit, so let me explain. When a task requires me to leave the crystal empire, my preferred method of transportation is on a special cloud connected to my consciousness through a magical mind link. I had some pegasi bring me a sample one day for experimenting on. I wanted to see if the weightless properties could be applied to armor, making it less of a burden for our soldiers, but keeping the toughness and hardness. I got a little carried away and wound up accidentally imbuing magic into the thing.

Now by merely thinking, I can summon it to my beck and call and traverse the land quickly. I wasn't able to replicate the mistake however, so this is the only one of its kind. It didn't even come with a magical extending wooden pole or a set of orange-colored karate gear. Ah, I apologize. My imagination runs wild at times. I really should watch less of that 'anime' the kids are into these days.

Anyways, I had a task to do, and results were expected of me, so I had the villagers take to to see this 'Flip Flop' character. Oh, he was a seedy little worm. He had a gluttonous gut that stuck out like a bloated blob of meat, and his face poorly masked his greedy character. He was trying to sell a single carrot to a small child for ten bits. Back in the empire you could get them for free.

I took him into one of the homes and had a little talk with him, explaining to him why it was wrong to do what he was doing and to show a little kindness to the poor villagers.

After the talk, Flip Flop had a change of heart, and agreed to lower his prices so the villagers could afford to get what they needed from him. However, while Flip Flop did indeed lower the prices of his goods - which, now I think about it, I never really ask where they came from, hmm - he only dropped the prices by a couple of coins.

I had another talk with him, albeit a more sterner one. He refused to drop the prices and make life easier for everyone, so I refused to take my hoof off his throat. After a minute or so of watching his face turning blue from asphyxiation, Flip Flop suddenly decided to give all his wares to the village, and even donate some of his wealth to the construction of a new and easy-access route between the village and the empire. How kind of him, and all I had to do was mentally summon a sphere of glass and offer to ram it down his throat.

Funny how generous ponies are when they hear that, huh?

So the problem was resolved, the villagers puked up their usual thanks, told the kids to stay in school, blah blah blah. As amusing as t had been to choke the fat merchant, it was the only amusing thing that had happened. So, if you didn't find this part of my story interesting, you'll understand my pain. Yes. I am, how the kids today say, 'breaking the fourth wall' here.

On the slight bright side though, when I returned back to the crystal empire and to the comfort of my laboratory, in my absence Dark Charm managed to grow another head on Mr. Pointy Teeth's rear again, except this one breathed toxic fumes. I had decided to name this new head, Mr. Minty Breath. It's ironic and humorous at the same time.

If Dark Charm ever dies, I'd like to take his pet rat. I'm sure I could do more with it than he does. I'd have grown a third head on the creature and called the whole thing Mr. Cerberus Rodent. No, no, that's not a witty name. Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of a better one while I write the rest of this document.

Oh! How about 'Mr. Three-Way'? Because it'd have three heads? It's funny because a 'three-way' is also a sexual term, so I have heard. No? I'll run it by advertising later.

Before that though, how about I spare you details of my boring past life, and skip ahead to the part where things get a little more interesting? Like, say, how Sombra got his unholy powers...