Chapter 8
Back to Ponyville

(Dante POV)

“We are now landing in Ponyville,” The pegasus guard said, waking me from my nap. As the carriage dropped below the clouds, what I thought to be the same peaceful town as I had seen it yesterday, but now has been partially eaten by the looks of it.

“What the Hell?” I mouthed, looking at the carnage. In the distance, I could hear...polka music? Yeah; it sounds like a whole band. Strange choice of music for a potential battleground. I expected to see a whole company of soldiers marching towards the carriage, but it was just that Pink Mare I saw the other day.

Both me and Celestia stepped out of the carriage to get a better look at this sight. The mare looked like she was wearing one of those ensembles out of the short film, “One Man Band.” Behind her were a long-ass line of little ball-shaped creatures with wings and bug eyes. They followed her, bouncing with joy instead of flying. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Celestia’s awe expression. I turned to her to get an explanation to this situation.

“Know anything about this, Sunbutt?”

“Perhaps.”

“Care to tell me?”

“Parasprites.”

My jaw nearly hit the ground in disbelief.

“Those little runts couldn’t have wrecked the whole town on their own.”

“They had help.”

“Lemme guess; an appetite spell backfired?”

“Bingo.”

As the little monsters passed by, the mares from the day before ran up to us and looked at the princess and me awkwardly.

“Oh! H-hello, Princess...a-and Dante,” she stuttered sheepishly, “How was the trip? Hit any traffic?” I just looked at her with an eyebrow arched.

“I’m going out on a limb and say that something like this happens on a daily basis,” I guessed.

“He ain’t far from the truth, y’know?” The Southern mare bluntly said, “The Gala ticket riot, Nightmare Moon, butting heads with Rarity over a slumber party and a psycho Griffion, just to name a few.”

“Well I’m glad it was resolved, my dear Student,” Celestia praised, “But I'm afraid I need to cut our visit short. I have to visit Fillydelphia; something about an...Infestation.” (YEAAAAHHHHH!) She turned towards me and quietly spoke into my ear.

"Be careful of what you say to her," she warned, "My dear student can get quite upset over scenarios like this one."

She kissed me on the cheek and climbed back onto the carriage where it took off into the clouds, leaving me at the mercy of the Elements of Harmony.

“Well, Twi? Are ya commin to help us rebuild Ponyville...again?” The Southern Mare asked.

“I will soon; I’m showing Dante around the town first.”

“Okay, well when y’all are done, you can join us at Sugarcube Corner for sum sweets.” The girls waved to each other and went their separate ways, leaving me with the purple mare.

“I suppose you would like a proper introduction, I’m Twilight Sparkle,” she curtsied, "Welcome to Ponyville, or what's left of it."

Twilight Sparkle (Tara Strong)

“Sorry about the mess; long story.”

“Heh, I’ll bet,” I lightly chuckled, "Care to explain how the parasprites started to eat the whole town?"

She tensed up from my question, she slightly shook and I noticed her eyelid twitched.

"H-h-how did you know!?"

"Celestia knows about what happened and she's not mad about it in the slightest."

Her head sunk after my explanation.

"I try to be the A student I always am, but things just seem to go wrong at any given moment. I thought a basic metabolism spell would stop them, but they just ended up eating the whole town."

"Heh; welcome to my world."

"What do you mean by that?"

"What I'm saying is: Do I really look like a stallion that can go through with his original plans?"

"Not really."

"Well, you just have to work your way around complications in the grand plan."

"I know, but what can you do if put in my position?"

"I would look at things from another perspective, considering the fact I have dealt with a parasprite infestation before."

"You're right; I should've listened to Pinkie from the start."

"Who? The mare with a thousand instruments tied to her back?"

She slowly nodded, making me nod in an understanding tone.

"Even if the solution of your problems doesn't make sense, it does to others when you stop and listen to their opinions and perspectives on the matter. Think about it; the royal visit may have been ruined in your perspective, but this Pinkie, created the ultimate diversion by lulling the parasprites in a single file line out of Ponyville, making it seem like a parade in Tia's honor."

Her shoulders sank, making her sigh in relief.

"Thank you, Dante; what you said, put my mind at ease. Also, you just gave me an idea for my latest Friendship Report."

"Friendship what-now?" I asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Ever since I moved to here from Canterlot and after Princess Luna's reformation, I was asked by Princess Celestia to study the magic of friendship more effectively. When I encounter a friendship-based problem and solve it, I send my report to Celestia on what I learned from that experience."

"No wonder you're Tia's top pupil."

"Yeah; things here in Ponyville, like what Applejack told you, we run into problems almost daily and get into very strange situations in the process."

“Seems like this town isn’t as boring as I expected.”

Moments passed with following silence. I looked over to Twilight where I saw a twinkle in her eye as she closely studied every inch of me.

“Am I everything ya wished for, luv?” I asked in a jokingly English accent, holding my arms up above my shoulders. Her face lit up and profusely shook her head at me.

“Nononono! I don’t mean it like that, it’s just...I’m speechless at meeting a living legend like yourself and…”

“I’m flattered. Besides, it’s a pleasure meeting Celestia’s apprentice.”

“Likewise from a folk hero, like you.”

“I’m curious, what kind of stuff was made after me? I know I’m apart of history and a folk hero, but what else?”

“Oh, there was a long running comic book series, two in fact. Let’s talk about them while we walk to my house.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

I ignored what was going on around me and only focused on Twilight and her spellbinding purple eyes. She spent the entire time of our walk explaining about the history behind my own history and how the author, A.K. Yearling loosely based my adventures off my historical campaigns in between historical moments. The comics were anywhere from tracking down robbers, hunting demons like I always do and even some adult issues were published about my various sexual exploits...which were not too far from the truth as I had been once notorious for that vary reason.

Nopony realized that Luna was my first; only Tia knew, but she gave me her blessing long before I fucked the Moon Princess. Then again, I scarcely talk to others about my lustful evenings; it’s just in my nature.

What interested me about Twilight’s whole history lesson were my encounters with Discord and Nightmare Moon. It seemed that the final three issues were my battle with Nightmare Moon and my whole violent rampage at the Lunar Guard’s expense. It seemed like yesterday...oh wait.

“Well, here we are,” she announced, pointing at a giant tree house? Or was it a house made from a tree?

Without blinking, I pointed up into the sky, while staring blankly at the clusterfuck of a house.

“I have a few questions,” I stated, annoyed and confused by this Van Gogh of houses.

“What’s wrong with my house?”

I took in a deep, long breath before delivering to her on my thoughts of whatever the hell that house is.

“Why would you live inside a tree to begin with? How was it possible to build and carve a house into said tree without collapsing in on itself? How is the tree still alive after that? It seems to be a stupid idea in the first place because of fire and thunderstorms and what if you get termites and/or pill bugs?”

“Simple; magic solves all of those problems.”

Really? REALLY!? Did she go with that explanation? Then again that same question was answered when I first saw Pegasi walk on clouds.

“Well, let’s go inside; Spike has probably cleaned up the last of the mess in the library.”

“What about the tour?”

“Wouldn’t you want to relax a bit and have some tea? You must be exhausted from the flight.”

I opened my mouth but closed it since she was right. That, and I can’t refuse a mare’s invitation into her home. (Giggity)

Following into her house, I noticed a small, lizard-like creature restocking a few books on a low shelf, the walls were somewhat damaged, but fixable with a little magic.

“Sorry about the mess, Twilight,” the little lizard said, not looking over at us, "The parasprites really did a number on the Library."

“It’s okay, my bedroom is in an even bigger mess from one of my parties.”

He jumped about twice his height and spun around to find the source of the voice. His jaw practically hit the floor when he got a good look at me.

“You-you-you…” he trembled, “You’re Dante? The one from the history book?”

“Correct.”

“Twilight! You didn’t tell me you were friends with THE Dante Sparda!”

“Eh, well-”

I cut in, helping her explanation.

“You see, I just recently woke up from a Thousand-Year nap,” I began, being in character (Something I’ve been doing for the past 1,000 years, so why bother mentioning it?), “And I found out that my close friend, Luna was still alive and Nightmare Moon was destroyed. I met the lovely Twilight and I’ve been back to being a full-time demon hunter ever since.”

The lizard’s eyes lit up like I just garnered a new fanboy (Still not enough to balance out the legions of fangirls I have <3).

“Tell me kid, what’s your name?”

“I’m Spike, the dragon.”

Spike (Cathy Weseluck)

“Dragon, eh? Never seen one of your type, though.”

“That’s because he’s a baby dragon,” Twilight explained. I scoffed.

“He’s hardly a baby if he’s walking about, doing chores, thinking for himself and talking in well-spoken Equestrian. He’s a kid, at best; Twelve-Years-Old, at the most.”

“That’s how long ago I met Spike.”

“Really?”

“I studied hard for the special demonstration that would admit me into Magic School. I was 5, going on 6, so I had to work hard to get in that year or be forced to go in next year. I thought I couldn’t hatch the dragon egg they gave me, but a rainbow-colored explosion scared me into not only hatching the egg but accidentally wreaked havoc in the auditorium. It wasn’t until Celestia calmed me down and took me under her wing, no pun intended.”

I sat there, taking in Twilight’s story while leaning on a table to make it like a temporary chair. I rubbed my chin with my index finger and thumb while digesting what she said. So that’s how she’s Tia’s apprentice. She must have something special planned for her, then. If that’s the case, then...no; it won’t. I doubt it. If it has been 1,000 years since the elements were last used before Nightmare Moon’s failed resurrection, I doubt anytime soon that the element of magic could grow powerful enough to be the missing royalty.

Tia and Lulu once told me about the legend of the of the Sixth Element. I believe if I remember it correctly:

“When the bearer of the Sixth Element gains enough power through friendship and unity with the other five, they have the potential to be the savior of the lands, both corrupted and lost. When the love of the Sixth Element and the Soul of a Foreign entity from a distant dimension are in the same reality, nothing can stop them from forging a union more powerful than the Element of Love.”

If that’s the case and Twilight could be the next Elemental Alicorn of Royalty and me being the foreign entity from a distant dimension, she must very well be my soulmate. No; I’m jumping to conclusions. It’s an old filly tale; I stopped believing in those kinds of endings when I was a little kid.

“Care to sit down with me and have some tea?” Twilight asked, breaking my concentration. I nodded in acceptance.

“Sure. I would like to take a break for a moment, get to know you better (and possibly get into your skirt).”

“Spike? Can you make us a couple cups?”

“Sure thing,” he said, saluting and running into the kitchen.

“What’s the flavor?” I asked, my unavoidable curiosity storming through like the Kool-Aid Man on steroids.

“Oh, it’s just Green Tea.”

“What a coincidence; it’s my favorite.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

I saw green flames shoot from the entrance to the kitchen and die down in a fraction of a second. She noticed my “What the Fuck?” look.

“Don’t mind that,” Twilight disregarded the noise, “Spike just heats up the water pot with his fire breath.”

I nodded, knowing that flame belongs to everypony’s favorite dragon. Kind of reminds me of the time I stuck my ass near an open flame on a natural gas stove and tried to reenact a stunt reminiscent of Jackass. Needless to say, but I nearly burnt down the family home after that stunt. I can laugh about it now, but back then, my dad really beat my ass for that. I chuckled from that reminiscence which caught her attention.

“What’s so funny?”

“I remembered something from when I was a colt. You ever pulled any stunts when you were little?”

“No, but my big brother sure did.”

“What did he do?”

“Well, I don’t remember the full story, but it involved firecrackers in the toilet and loose pipes.”

I made a quick laugh, thinking of how the prank played out.

“Sounds like quite the stallion to hang out with.”

“He’s not like that anymore; the Royal Guard changed him, but he’s still the same lovable B.B.B.F.F. I know and love.”

Spike returned with two cups on a metal plate. He first placed a cup near Twilight, then handed me the other one.

“Thanks, little dude.”

I took a sip of the tea and set my feet on top of the table.

“Nice place you have here.”

“Thank you. Spike usually keeps it from getting too trashed.”

“Hey, Twilight? Have you noticed anything off after I left Ponyville?”

“No, why?”

“I’m just asking; trouble tends to gravitate towards me.”

“Aside from the daily friendship problem, then nope; haven't seen any or felt any demonic presence.”

“What is your reason for being here instead of being in Canterlot?”

“Well I was told to ‘go make some friends’. Had no clue that we were the Elements of Harmony.”

“Yeah; you six are the second generation.”

“You mean we aren’t the first after Celestia?”

“Nope; there were the six previous bearers, but they all died before Tia sealed away Lulu for the first time.”

She looked away, slightly disturbed by that bit of information that wasn’t mentioned in the history books.

“So...did each of them-?”

“Yes; each of them were killed by Nightmare Moon’s hand. After we stormed into Luna’s domain, she was already too far gone. She was smitten by two of my devil arms, Beowulf and Force Edge, my father’s sword. It transformed into its true form, Sparda and it transformed her into Nightmare Moon. The old element bearers tried to fight her off, but each fell by the blade. I tricked her into swapping swords and I used Sparda against her. We tore apart the castle in the everfree while we were fighting, but in the end, I eventually beat her, but...I felt that Luna was still in there; I couldn’t finish her off. She petrified me with her magic and brought me to my knees. Celestia brought the elements together and used them to send her to the moon. To ensure Tia’s safe return to Canterlot with the old elements’ bodies, I stayed behind and guarded the jeweled elements from the Lunar Guard. I’m sure you read about that one part in the history books where I fought off 1,000 ponies of the Lunar Guard; that was the total number of the guard back then, mind you. All in all, I think that I did a good job, protecting the ponies of Old Equestria; I’m just ashamed I didn’t come to the Old Bearers’ aid. Then again, they told me to stay out of it and I respected their wishes. I just have a smudge of survivor’s guilt, but at the same time, they wanted to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. With that in mind, I’m guessing Equestria didn’t have any wars for the next 1,000 years.”

Twilight sat there, her head hanging low. She was obviously disturbed by my story, any sane pony would be after what I had experienced.

“So me and my friends’ destinies are…?”

“I won’t lie to you, Twilight; your roads will cross with dangerous powers,” I bluntly put it, “Be sure to be ready to do what it takes to make sure that your decisions won’t lead you to ruin, nor take unnecessary risks that will end up killing yourself. I can almost instantly heal from most wounds I can take. You need to be careful.”

Now that I think about it, I really am a lot like Deadpool, except I’m not a walking tumor. (HEY! I RESENT THAT!)

{Ah, shut up and just let me tell the damn story.} (Oh, alright. I'll be back, bitch.)

Twilight was finished with her tea and gave Spike the dirty cup to wash. I chugged the rest of mine and tossed it overhanded into the sink. I smiled when it made a satisfying “ching” sound.

“Three points,” I chuckled.

“So, are you ready to go to Sugarcube Corner?”

“Sure,” I chimed, hopping up from my comfy chair.

“Spike, you coming?”

“Yeah,” he responded in a tired tone, “Need some fresh air anyways.”

He hopped off the kitchen table and sauntered over to me and Twilight. I stood up from my chair and stretched my arms over my head.

“Um, Twi?” I heard Spike calling her name.

“Hm? What?”

“Were you just staring at his chest?”

“W-what!? N-no! I wasn’t!”

I heard the flustered tone in her voice and I decided to mess with her even more. I puffed out my chest to make it look more muscular than before, garnering a furious blush from the embarrassed unicorn.

“If you want, all you can do is just ask,” I suggested in a flirtatious tone.

“L-let’s just go to where my friend works,” she insisted. I kept smirking as we left the library and headed off into the town. I have a feeling that I’m going to REALLY like it here, that if the demons keep their distance from the town when they finally find me again.

Author's Note

Yes, I know this was a long-ass hiatus. Yes, I know I broke the forth wall.

Red=Deadpool
Yellow=Dante

Why did I put that into the chapter? Well, to quote Cave Johnson: "Why not?"

Anyways, Happy Heart and Hooves Day! Excuse me while I go vomit into a kitchen sink because I'm a lonely fuck that hates Valentine's Day.