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Have Fiction - Will Travel
Wanted: Delusional Human Servant - Pay Varies
Wanted: Delusional Human Servant - Pay Varies
Nathaniel stood quietly to the side, watching the events unfold before him, events he’d already seen once before; on the other side of a television screen. The pain this time however was so much worse having recently lived the experience firsthand from the field. Knowing the pain that the girl Avril Vent Fleur of Wild Arms 5 would be experiencing as she was sent back into her endless time loop, knowing she could never be with the one she loved, never hold him, and never be able to escape the torture of reliving the loss over and over.
Nathaniel’s heart was twisted up something fierce as he fought to keep his cool while this tragedy played out in front of him. As he stood silently fighting down his feelings, “Despair” floated over to him, completely unseen to all but himself. In the previous world he called himself “Panic”, and the world before that it was “Strife”. Nathan noticed the pattern right away; although it helped the thing was an egotistical ass-hat that loved any kind of conflict and proudly made such proclamations with a twisted grin.
“Despair” was an amalgamation of animal parts but he hated to be referred to as a chimera, saying that he was no simple patchwork creature but a “Draconequus”. He was also the reason for the last couple of years Nathaniel had spent playing “hero” in various pieces of fiction, notably video games with less than happy endings. Nathan should have guessed that anything offering to grant a wish would be a backstabbing jerk but temptation is a dangerous thing and the simple wish, “I want the power to be the hero I’ve always dreamed of” might seem specific enough to avoid the worst pitfalls of the evil Jinn stereotype, but Despair was a clever thing and with a snap of his paw he granted Nathaniel’s wish literally and he’d been forced into the role of hero five times, counting now.
As usual, when the “main story” was finished Nathan would be ejected from the “main character” and forced to watch the last few depressing scenes before he would be kicked into a new world, sometimes spending weeks or months traveling from quest to checkpoint, heading towards the ending of whatever new game his freaky wish-master decided to inflict on him next. It wasn’t that he hated his previous adventures, but he’d played all of these scenarios before and knew their outcomes would be as sad as he remembered them being; something Despair seemed to enjoy immensely although Nathan wasn’t sure if it was the sadness of the act itself or its effect on Nathaniel that the bastard loved more.
On top of the emotional turmoil of living through failure, he had been forced to take many lives over the course of these two years; sometimes quite viscerally. It got easier as time went on but even though he could rationalize it as a necessary evil, it was never something he took a liking to. Nathaniel depended on rage and fear to block out the guilt. Sometimes the nightmares would resurface but he hadn’t become shell-shocked quite yet.
Nathaniel had to admit, the game ending before this one was more bittersweet than outright depressing and he secretly was thankful he experienced Yu Narukami of Persona 4 simply leaving his new friends behind in Inaba rather than being forced to watch Makoto Yūki of Persona 3 tragically dying while surrounded by wailing high-school students. A moment of weakness in Despair’s plans perhaps but more likely just some random decision made on the fly with no grounding in logic; the jerk seemed allergic to it actually. Nathaniel looked over at his longtime “associate” and noticed that his usual mirth and chaotic nonsense was lacking. The “Draconequus” looked pensive, even a little worried if his tail flicks were any indication.
“I didn’t take you for the sentimental type Despair,” Nathan joked with a cocked eyebrow.
The unusually somber avatar glanced at Nathan with a sideways flick of its yellow eyes sending both pupils rolling into the eye closest to the young man, complete with the sound of a bowling alley strike and a sour grunt. “While I’d loooove nothing more than to wallow in your self-inflicted melancholy, I’m afraid our playtime has come to an end. I’ve done more than I thought we could get away with but now the clock is ticking so to speak and we have a world to save.” His change in attitude was really starting to give Nathaniel the willies.
“I did just save the entire planet of Filgaia, and before that the nations of Japan and America were kinda helped respectively, I also rescued a bunch of kidnapped children while foiling a madwoman, and… Okay, I guess one of my adventures was more an anti-hero murder spree than ‘song of a savior’ but you get my drift. We’ve been doing this for a while now, so it’s all the same to me by this point,” Nathan reasoned with his random pseudo-genie.
Despair turned to face Nathaniel, his pupils realigning. “Not this time Hero. This time we’re playing for keeps, and it’s not somewhere you’ll be familiar with, since that was part of the rules our opponent insisted upon. No, we’ll be going to the magical land of candy-colored equines filled with sunshine and rainbow farts.” His speech was tinged with some bitterness as he began making impossibly complex shadow puppets with one paw using a spotlight that appeared simply for the sake of convenience. Nathan wasn’t sure but he would have sworn that one of them depicted a winged unicorn trying to mate with a dragon. “The thing about bright lights though my friend is that the brightest lights cast the deepest shadows. As sickeningly sweet as Equestria sounds, her underbelly hides plenty of death and suffering, so don’t be fooled and don’t let your guard down. This next adventure is what all your previous training was leading up to.”
Nathaniel was rather gobsmacked. “I’m sorry; I think I must have exposed my tender eardrums to too many gunshots. It sounded like you said my last two-plus years of running around getting trashed as various heroes were nothing more than training.”
Despair’s smile was razor wire and curdled milk as he reached deep into Nathaniel’s ear canal and quickly yanked out an old wooden sign that read ‘Gone Fishing’ before tossing it aside to explode in a cloud of marbles. “Oh, they were but they were also vital to your survival and our success. Each one of those five trips netted you a powerful artifact that will give you an edge in the future, so don’t whine too loudly. I may be a purveyor of chaos but there was method in my madness and if there is one thing I know how to do it’s skirt the rules with an X-ACTO knife. Also, you were supposed to have learned something from those specific tales of woe. Tell me Hero, what do you think you learned over the last five adventures?” Despair seemed actually serious for a change and Nathaniel stopped to consider the question with equal merit.
Giving Despair one final look complete with raised eyebrow, Nathan rubbed his chin and considered the scenarios. Before all this nonsense began he was only a twenty-three year-old college student working on a programing degree and happened to be an avid gamer. He’d always considered himself a little smarter than his peers, but beyond that not all that special. He was just shy of six feet tall and once had a slender build, his blonde hair and blue eyes would have made any W.A.S.P family proud but he didn’t possess any hidden talent in martial arts, he wasn’t the lost grandson of a god, and he wasn’t always picked first for kickball.
Playing various heroes for the last two-some years, he had developed on the physical side quite a bit and he’d learned the self-defense stuff on the job as well as the mentality and know-how often required to save the day, but he didn’t feel like James Bond or anything; maybe more like Sterling Archer with less substance abuse issues. Shaking off his musings, he returned to ponder the question. All his previous adventures dealt with loss of some kind. Often it was the loss of “his” life, many times it was the sacrifice of others to reach a goal considered to be for “the greater good” and all of them enforced the idea that even the most badass main character couldn’t do it all alone and needed support of some kind.
Nathan figured he’d give the question an honest shot. “I’d say that I was supposed to learn that everything has a cost, even heroics. Scratch that, especially heroics. That being a hero may mean a happy ending for others but rarely one for those directly involved in the events leading up to such a thing. I’d say that no matter how awesome I become, I can’t stand alone and hope to win.” As his mind continued to piece together all his scattered thoughts, it finally dawned on him with improved clarity. With more conviction, Nathaniel looked at the joker-come-teacher and spoke with some certainty, “Heroes pay whatever the cost may be and use whatever and whoever is available to win because in the end a hero without victory is just another forgotten fool.” Nathaniel paused a moment and amended his previous statement. “Within reason I mean, it’s easy to say ‘the ends justify the means’ but it’s a thin line between hero and despot. Killing a nation of people just to stop an evil king would not be heroic.”
The Draconequus had a huge shit-eating grin. Nathaniel hoped it was just residual chocolate milk. “That’s right my boy, you were paying attention after all! A sacrifice must be voluntary to be heroic. Giving up one’s life so that others can live, taking an arrow to the knee to protect the innocent, chatting up the ugly friend so your pal can score with the hot chick; these can only be heroic sacrifices if they are done with a free will. Personally I would have scoffed at such selflessness a few years ago and considered it the babbling of those mindless drones regurgitating Celestia’s nonsense about love and harmony.”
Despair’s face lost some of its bitterness and turned a bit wistful. “However, I found something I never thought I would; Friendship. Since I value this new and shiny thing and the pony it’s attached to, then I can’t sit idly by and let our mutual opponent carry out his plans unopposed because despite his so-called scheme to help Equus reach the future, the cost of its success will be measured in bodies and I don’t find graveyards particularly interesting.”
Nathaniel crossed his arms and gave Despair a curious look. “You keep saying our opponent, but who or what exactly are you referring to? You do know I don’t know any of these names you keep dropping. Despite it sounding like a seven-year-old girl’s dreamland (if her weird uncles were the Grimm brothers) it sounds pretty serious and coming from you that’s enough to put me on edge.”
Despair rolled his eyes and they both came up with sixes before he tossed them back into his mouth and swallowed loudly, only to have them pop back into his sockets from behind his eyelids with a loud burp. “How much exposition do you want? Readers usually demand action over a wall of text… But, fine! You didn’t think I was the only one of my kind did you? That I was the result of a secret mutagen poured into the sewers under a pet shop and exposed to the lovechild of Doctor Moreau only to be raised by kickboxing kangaroos?” Despair looked as if he just surprised himself, “Wait, I need to write that down…” While Despair began to type out a new screenplay on an old typewriter Nathaniel just sighed and rubbed his temples in frustration.
“Okay Patches, you’re not alone in the universe, congratulations. So, what? You have a family member that wants more insanity than you do running round? That’s high-octane nightmare fuel right there. Your nonsense already costs me enough sanity points as it is.”
Despair gave a condescending snort and passed his typewriter to a nearby chimpanzee. “Keep at it, I know you’ll do great,” he added to the simian before turning to face Nathan. “If my…’sibling’ were all about chaos like me then we would have tag teamed that place into the greatest show in the universe, which in hindsight would have been a spectacular failure because of how carried away I tend to get. No, this particular family member of mine is far more collected and structured than I am, and he’s many times crueler because he only cares about results and the best way to get them. He calls himself ‘Progress’ these days but if I had to label him I’d call him ‘Evolution’.” For some reason, Nathaniel couldn’t figure out why Despair was juggling seven glass balls and sporting a ridiculous spiky hairstyle but he was rather tired by this point.
Nathaniel just blinked owlishly for a moment before collecting his thoughts. “So, you want to stop forward progress in horse-land? Kind of a dick move man. I mean, how far behind are we talking here? Are they Flintstones, ancient China, or Little House on the Prairie levels of technology?”
The Draconequus laughed at that. “Actually it’s a combination of all of those and some others in certain areas but leave it to the human to only see the end results and forget the journey. Celestia has done her absolute best to keep advancement and evolution from touching her little ponies in some kind of overbearing-mother logic, hoping to shelter them from the costs of progress. That’s why they seem so backwards in terms of technology, and even in the schools of magic and worldly knowledge. Her star pupil would be a pioneer of new and dangerous arcane breakthroughs if she weren’t so afraid of Sunbutt’s displeasure! That’s why the last time new magic was created was over a thousand years ago! She has her reasons no doubt, but there’s a line… Tell me Hero, what drives a species to evolve and progress? Not just anything but the strongest contributing factor that comes to mind.”
Giving a huff of irritation at being talked down to, Nathaniel rolled his eyes with a shrug and tilted his head back to think about the question. Better food, better shelter, better defenses. At first, he thought of convenience and laziness, but soon discarded them when considering what really drove people to keep trying to top themselves. Pride? Curiosity? No, he needed to start at the beginning and work forward. Shelter, water, food, safety, medicine, self-defense… Living in nature, beset on all sides by the elements, predators, fellow survivors, disease and parasites, natural disasters, foul weather… Then it hit him.
“Death,” Nathaniel said solemnly. “The driving factor for most of our advancements and evolution was death. People starving to death? Find a better way to feed them. Is disease killing off your children? Invent better medicine. Lose some kin last winter? Create better housing and clothing. Your bro Evolution is planning to put the folks on Equalsigns through the ringer and sweep away the dead so he can raise up the survivors, isn’t he? He’s totally going ‘survival of the fittest’ philosophy." Nathaniel's face took on a grimace. "Okay, I can see why you’d be against that. If these four-legged friends of yours are as coddled as you say, the body count will be impressive. Like, World War impressive. So what’s stopping you from just going toe-to-mismatched-toe with the guy? You don’t strike me as weak or anything.”
“Exactly you hairless ape!” Despair shouted from his pulpit, his tie-dyed priest robes flapping in the shockwaves of his voice while his rhinestone-studded miter twinkled in the sunlight. “If the two of us decided to fight it out, the winner would be king of a pile of dust. Equus, not Equalsigns by the way, wouldn’t survive such a battle and we both know it. However, his meticulous and anal proclivities actually work in our favor. You see, he’s not going to just flood the planet like the popular bearded deity from your world and pick up the remains. No, he’s going to start slow and escalate the process over time, finding what works best and learning how to ‘mold’ the races of the world on the fast-track of evolution. He’s made it quite clear that there are rules in place if we want to stop him, and that is where you come in.”
“I’m going to write the greatest song in the world and challenge him to a rock-off?” Nathaniel asked with a serious expression.
“Yes! I mean, no! That’s a silly idea,” Despair replied while pulling out a list and scratching out a line item. “No, you’re going to become the hero you always wanted to be. You’re going to gather allies, form bonds, and save the populace so we can face Progress using his own rules against him. And obviously, I’m going to help,” Despair added with a smug smile while rubbing his claws against his chest.
“Ah, okay that makes more sense,” Nathaniel said sarcastically. “You want me to be the stereotypical role-playing hero who gains the trust of the people, gathers an army, builds a nation, and faces off against the end boss. Now the whole training thing makes more sense but why me? I’m hardly Sun Tzu or King Arthur. And why would he allow such a thing? Doesn’t that go against the whole, ‘I’m going to push Equine into the future’ shtick?”
Despair shrugged his mismatched shoulders. “Right place right time? In the end, I think you’re up for it and your wish will finally be fulfilled. Win-win in my book,” Despair opened a rather large dictionary to the ‘win’ definition so show a picture of Nathaniel dressed up like Link from the Legend of Zelda series. “Also, think about it; he has to allow you to play the hero because the only way for you to advance and win is for you to evolve . You’ll have to face challenges, solve riddles, and possibly kill those weaker than you to advance. In the end you’ll be progressing , just like he wants. Don’t worry about it too much, he’s the one who set the rules for this adventure and I plan to bend them as much as I can get away with. Besides, he’s been so obsessed with Equus that I doubt he’s ever bothered to even look at a human before, that’s an edge we have right there. Anyway, it’s a good plan and I love it when a plan comes together,” Despair added while lighting up a cigar, which promptly exploded leaving his yellow eyes staring comically out of a pitch-black face.
“I don’t do pantyhose man,” Nathaniel said with some distaste. “And this whole game setting is a little contrived but what the hell? Being the hero that saves Candyland from the grind wheel of evolution? Jayne Cobb would be proud; but if I’m the best you got, you must be desperate.”
Despair chuckled. “Honestly, I picked you mostly because you can almost keep up with me after a couple of years. Ponies never get my references. Well, except Pinkie Pie. But she scares even me sometimes… Well, enough exposition pal, let’s hit the proverbial trail…er portal…thing. By the way, when we get there, call me,” the Draconequus said with a malicious glint in his eye, “Discord.”
“Sure thing Patches,” Nathaniel added with a smirk.
"Discord" chuckled and with a snap of his paw opened a large rainbow colored vortex which quickly swallowed the two and sent them to the land of sunshine and rainbows, Equestria.
[Meanwhile in Canterlot]
The Solar half of the ruling diarchy of Equestria was trying to listen intently to the pony in front of her and despite the riveting material concerning the fate of beet farmers being in question with the introduction of some new kind of sugar from the tropical islands causing them some friendly competition, Celestia found herself easily distracted by Discord’s antics involving a plate of doughnuts and the royal anteater, Noodle. She was still quite wary of the avatar of chaos but she had promised him a fair shake at redemption and so far only harmless pranks had been the reported activity of Discord by her best spies.
Watching him use an anteater as a ring toss was actually helping her get through the day’s slog of monotony as well.
It was while she sat on her cushion and holding back a smile that she felt something ripple across Equus like pebble dropped in a serene pond. The aftereffect left her mouth twisted slightly, like she had bitten into a piece of gold-leaf foil and the accompanying ache of her teeth caused her to cringe. Celestia had noticed that Discord too had flinched as if he had been goosed at the same time, so she knew he felt something as well. Mustering all of her cool serenity and millennia of practice, she schooled her expression and gently interrupted the pony who was still droning on about foreign trade policy needing an update.
“My little pony,” she gently interjected. The stallion froze with his mouth still open and his eyes wide, waiting for Celestia to continue. “While I would love to continue this discussion and go over the merits of an improved tax and shipping system, it seems something of great importance to the realm has taken precedence and so I must cut the Day Court short at this time. Please feel free to return to me at a later date and we can continue this discussion then. See Flowing Script on your way out for the proper forms needed to institute a change in policy concerning foreign trade and tax law. Good day,” she finished with her trademark beatific smile.
The stallion, Hardy Beets she thought, frowned at the mention of paperwork but bowed gracefully enough before showing himself out. Celestia nodded at the door guards to pass along the end of Day Court and then she approached Discord, who was standing unusually still for him, his head cocked to the side as if listening to some unheard melody while Noodle finished off the doughnuts no longer being guarded.
“Discord, what was that ripple I felt moments ago? I know you also felt it and I could have sworn that the taint of chaos was present,” Celestia asked, her face having adopted a sterner mien as if about to scold an unruly child.
Discord turned to the Princess with a frown and a sigh. “For all that is discordant Cake Master, I can’t possibly be responsible for everything that happens in Equestria, nay Equus that could be considered chaotic. I am many things but omniscient is not one of them,” he shuddered. “Think of all the spoilers one would know! No book, no movie, no game would ever hold any surprises! However...I do know how most porn ends, if you’re interested…” his waggling eyebrows almost took flight from his face as he leered at the Solar Princess.
Celestia raised an eyebrow and delivered her response with wry amusement, “With your shame fighting to drown out the feeling of being satiated and the royal laundry wondering what just happened to another pair of Luna’s stockings?”
Discord’s jaw hit the highly polished floor in shock. After a second of staring at her like he’d never seen her before he picked his jaw up off the floor and buffed it against his chest before sliding in back into place. “You say some hurtful things Tiny Tia,” he said with a sad frown. “You know I only have eyes for your stockings…and maybe the head of the dragon council. I do so love a female in power. Seriously though, you should be careful Sunbutt. I think I’m rubbing off on you- Wait that sounded better in my head…”
Celestia would never admit it, but having another verbal sparring partner that wasn’t trying to kiss her flank was rather refreshing, even if he often set her teeth on edge and on occasion her mane on fire. With a stern throat clearing she tried to refocus the flighty avatar before her. “Discord, whatever that power is I doubt it means us well. We need to investigate and-“
Discord interrupted her with a raised claw. “Before we declare a state of national emergency and summon your Power Ponies to start blasting rainbow-death-lasers willy-nilly, how about I simply go there and get the skinny," Discord paused, one claw stroking his bearded chin in contemplation while he skewed his expression with a cocked head. "Or maybe the curvy, I do like a little extra padding," he proclaimed, eyeing Celestia's flank with undisguised interest before straightening up with a throat clearing. "Being who I am, while awesome, does give me the ability to reach the outskirts of your kingdom with far more finesse and freedom than even you.” He ended his speech with something about pigs and desserts under a fake cough which resulted in a cloud of powdered sugar.
Celestia was unable to hide her frown at the idea of trusting Discord to investigate something as serious as she calculated this event to be, but he had a point. Before she could voice her concerns however, one of the Day Guard let himself into the court and bowed with a pointed look in her direction. She spared Discord another look of displeasure, and even his doe-eyed expression given from under a glowing halo of light did little to assuage her annoyance. “Listen well Discord: you are well aware that you’re on thin ice. Do not test me, for when it breaks, you will find me beneath it. Now, please go and see what you can ascertain about the source of this…ripple. I’m trusting you. Fluttershy trusts you. Do not disappoint us again as our mercy is not boundless.”
Giving a mock salute and an infuriating grin, Discord replied, “Your wish is my command oh Destroyer of Pastries. I shall go forth and addition…or something like that.” With that he snapped his paw and vanished in a cloud of pastry-shaped rubber erasers that bounced and rolled across the polished marble.
Giving her head one final shake she turned to the Day Guard. “Report soldier, what news?”
The guard snapped to attention and stared straight ahead, not seeming to see Celestia or even the room he was standing in. “Your majesty, Captain Strong Heart his been compiling a list of strange occurrences that have been trickling in from our outer posts and spies. It has been determined that the common connection between all these events is a single date; exactly seven days ago. The incidents in question all seem to relate to the increased aggression of the local fauna and the emergence of several previously undiscovered species which also seem hostile to ponykind. No towns have reported any attacks but ponies that find themselves on the outskirts and travelling the roads are being harassed and although no deaths have been reported as of yet, several ponies have been injured enough to be hospitalized before they were rescued by passersby. Reports also show that the other races are also being targeted as long as they are outside the city areas. This concludes the report your highness.”
To say that Celestia was shocked would have failed to do the truth justice. Her ponies were being mangled by nature? Something like this hadn’t happened in over a thousand years. Equestria especially was considered one of the safest kingdoms in all the lands. She had personally seen to it herself and kept her little ponies safe. With the addition of this chaotic ripple today, this was obviously the advent of something terrible. Her heart quailed at the thought of sending those wonderful girls into danger again after all they had done for the kingdom, especially her personal student whom she considered a surrogate daughter, Twilight Sparkle; first things first however.
“Guard Buckler, have notice sent out to all cities that a nationwide curfew of sundown will be in effect until further notice. Furthermore, tell the captain to form squads of no less than five to begin patrolling the major roads and release a press statement that the crown dissuades any traveling parties or merchants from foregoing professional protection by bodyguard or hired spear due to the increase in wild animal activity. If you need to reach me any further this afternoon, seek me in my sister’s chambers. She will need to know what has happened. You are dismissed.” With her final word, she powered up her horn to teleport while the guard made a swift exit after a hasty bow.
Celestia’s final thought before blinking out of the throne room was, ‘Sweet Faust, what is happening ?’
Author's Note
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Have Fiction - Will Travel
Those who tell the stories rule the world.
[Canterlot Castle - Luna's Bedchamber]
“This is dire news sister. Even we remember when the roads and fields were made safe through thine efforts. What, if not Discord could cause such a calamity we wonder?” Luna said from her comfortable position, lying across her bed while scrunching her face up in a cute scowl.
Celestia sighed deeply from her seat at a small dining table and took a sip of her tea. “I know not. Even Discord seemed disturbed by that ripple, despite his acting otherwise. They must be related though, I don’t believe in this being coincidence. Perhaps I should ask Twilight to look through the archives for a clue as to what might be causing this,” she finished with a wistful smile. “Even now, she chafes under the weight of being a Princess and her duties are still rather light these days. At the very least she and her friends will need to be told the details of what is happening. I did think that Discord would have been back-“
The solar princess was interrupted by the appearance of said chaotic jester in the middle of the room, heralded by AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’. He was sporting a black leather jacket and dark sunglasses along with his ever present grin. The music faded as he began to speak. “How are my favorite alicrons today? Still keeping the little ponies swaddled in packing peanuts and free of dust?” Discord seemed to pick up on the mood in the room rather quickly and lost his smile while removing his shades. “Oh my; the two of you seem quite distraught over something. What did I miss? Did Blueblood finally come out of the closet as a serial killer or worse, perhaps a telemarketer?”
Luna looked like she wanted to glare at the Draconequus but his antics did lighten the mood a little and she could only manage a look of disapproval, bordering on a snicker. Celestia however was wearing a mix of worry and impatience on her snout. “Yes, as you’ve surmised Discord, things have taken a grim turn. Before I get into that however, I’d like to hear what you found,” Celestia said with some authority. It seemed she didn’t want to push too hard but her usual leeway with the chaos lord was noticeably lacking.
Discord gave a tired sigh and with a snap of his paw, he was looking like his unusual self but his expression was more serious than expected. “Before I begin, I think it would be prudent for you to summon the Inculpable Six. I can’t say when or where, but at some point they may be pivotal to help stem the tide that is coming to crash down upon all the beings of Equus big and small. This is a tale I would rather tell only once.” With that, Discord rolled his wrist and was suddenly holding an object. He began filling what appeared to be an old pipe, seemingly carved from a single piece of a black wood, with a dried leaf of some sort and sat down on an exquisite lounge chair he pulled from behind his back. With another snap he lit both his pipe and the fireplace in Luna’s bedchamber and stared into the hearth flames while puffing on his pipe, as if lost in thought.
The sisters were understandably confounded at this side of Discord. Luna was just short of gaping at him while Celestia was struggling with whether she should comply with his demand or be offended at his brazenness. In the end, Celestia deduced that it would be far faster to simply call the girls to Canterlot and humor him; especially if he was being serious for a change. “Very well,” she began, “but I expect this to be something worthy of our time or I will be very cross with you.”
Discord gave a snort, coupled with a ring of smoke escaping his nostrils, and didn’t even spare her a glance. “Time dear Tia, is the one thing we don’t have to waste. I suggest you impress upon them the need for speed. Terrible things are probably already underway as we speak. I will wait patiently for them to arrive and then it will be ‘Story Time with papa Discord’.” Discord seemed to come to a sudden conclusion and began rubbing his chin while holding his pipe off to the side. “I’m sure Sparkles can handle getting her friends here with little problem. However, the pink princess and her shining knight should be present as well. I think I can assist with their travel arrangements…”
Before either of the princesses could comment, the avatar rolled his wrist in a complex series of movements and then snapped his paw once more. With a flash of light, two more beings joined the bedroom but the shock of their arrival stunned everyone present; even Discord.
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was standing as still as a statue with her eyes wide open, one hoof holding a bright red lollipop in mid-trip to her mouth. Her mane was tied up in a rather childish ponytail, similar to how she once styled it during her foalsitting days and she was wearing what one could only describe as a high school uniform, complete with pleated skirt and long socks. Looking equally poleaxed was Shining Armor, who was currently sitting on his rump in a young-colt’s play outfit, complete with propeller cap and colorful schoolbag. It seemed that their ‘game’ was interrupted by the surprise teleportation and their brains had simply shut down in response.
After a few heartbeats of everyone starting at each other in astonished silence, Discord and Luna both turned their heads slowly to look at one another, stared for a moment and without warning they proceeded to break into gut-wrenching gales of laughter, even rolling onto their backs to kick the air with their legs. Celestia managed to facehoof with bright pink spots still visible on her cheeks. “It’s…good to see you again niece,” Celestia said with her eyes closed and her hoof still covering her face. “I apologize for the sudden…um, call. How about the two of you…freshen up in the bathroom before I go into details…”
Seeming to snap out of their paralyzed states, the two rulers of the Crystal Empire bolted into Luna’s bathroom and slammed with door behind them, echoes of laughter trailing after the whole way.
After a few moments to calm themselves down, Luna and Discord resumed being as ‘serious as possible’ while Celestia lost her blush and sent off a letter to Twilight Sparkle before she continued to sip her tea regally. Once Princess Cadence and Shining Armor exited the bathroom (both blushing like mad and with the distinct odor of freshly burned evidence) the champion of disharmony did something none of them expected; he gave them an out.
“I’m terribly sorry you two. I know that joke was in bad taste, but the atmosphere was getting far too tense for me and I wanted to brighten up the mood before we turn to more dire matters. I do so hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for dressing you in such provocative clothing,” Discord lamented with consummate acting skill. Of course, not a single entity in that room believed that he was responsible for what had been seen, but his effort did not go unnoticed and the rulers of the Crystal Kingdom latched onto it like drowning ponies at sea.
Cadence cleared her throat and nervously chuckled, “Yes, w-well you certainly did get us q-quite brilliantly…with such a joke. Please, refrain from such…surprising…actions in the future.” Shining Armor could do nothing else but weakly chuckle while scanning the room for a hole to hide in.
Luna politely coughed into a hoof and said, “Yes. We’re sure thou art wondering why thou…*ahem* you have been called under such circumstances. I can assure you, that it relates to the edict you have no doubt been made aware of earlier this eve; it concerns the attacks on all those outside the safety of cities and villages.”
“Indeed, my sister cuts straight to the heart of the matter. Discord tells us he has more information concerning this and another…disturbance I did not mention in my letter to you previously dear niece. A ripple of chaos felt earlier today and investigated by the very same Harbinger of Nonsense. We deemed it critical that you be here for the following discussion. The Elements of Harmony should be along shortly and then we may begin in earnest,” Celestia added with a few disapproving glances at Discord.
The Avatar of Chaos turned back to the fireplace and grunted. “None of you will want to hear what I have to say, but all I can do is tell you the truth and hope you have the ears and the heart to hear it.” The ponies in the room were rather taken aback at his forward attitude and somber tone.
Shining Armor took this chance to move the conversation even further away from his previous embarrassment. “Should we be mobilizing the guard for defense or even calling the ponies to arms for war?”
“War? Not quite. At least, not a war we can win with simple force of arms. However, mobilizing an army and having them post in all the ground-based villages and towns in Equestria would be prudent. The monsters will eventually try to move in and without magical shields or wards to prevent their entry… Perhaps sending word to any allies you have would be neighborly? I think they too will need to prepare for the worst,” Discord said with no mirth.
At the sudden knock at the chamber door, Discord ceased talking and puffed again on his pipe while his tail flicked with obvious nervous energy. “Enter,” Luna called and the door opened to reveal the newest princess of the realm; Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, Pri- I mean, Celestia. The guards said you were…” Twilight drifted off when she saw all the powerful ponies gathered in Luna’s room along with disharmony’s champion. She half turned behind her with a nervous look and said, “Come girls, this seems even more serious than I first thought,” and proceeded to enter the room to allow the rest of her fellow Elements to file in behind her.
After simple exchanges of greetings were passed between all the ponies, Discord loudly clapped his mismatched limbs together to gain their attention. “I hate to break-up the love-fest, but the hour grows late and we have things to discuss.” All the ponies were now looking at the Draconequus with a mixture of irritation and curiosity. Fluttershy approached him slowly and placed a hoof on his leg with a shy but comforting smile while Rainbow Dash seemed like she wanted to fly over and give Discord a piece of her mind. Discord grinned at the yellow pegasus and then turned his chair to face the room rather than the hearth. “Let’s start at the beginning. Celestia, what do you actually remember about the supposed Time of Chaos?”
The great white alicorn frowned at the question with narrowed eyes. “You of all creatures know very well that we were forced to bring the Elements of Harmony against you to end your insane rule of the lands that caused misery to all our little ponies. A rule, I may remind you, that cost many of said ponies their very lives. Do not think we have forgotten about your crimes.”
“You see? Right there, may be the biggest misconception about yours truly that’s been touted as fact for millennia. Tell me Tia; do I seem like the kind of being that takes lives for entertainment? Have you ever actually witnessed me kill anything , for any reason? Of course you haven’t; because those deaths cannot be lain at my feet. I am no murderer.”
The sisters were too upset to immediately respond to this claim. Fluttershy decided to speak up in her usual voice, which is to say, nearly inaudible. “Oh um, I t-think that Discord… Um, that he wouldn’t k-k-kill anything, even b-by accident. He’s m-mischievous certainly…b-but, he’s no k-killer.” Having finished her thoughts she hid behind Discord’s chair with a squeak when it dawned on her that she was the center of attention by the end of her speech.
Pinkie Pie decided to add her two bits as well. “Yeah! Dissy used to be a big-ole meanie-pants but he’s no pony-eating monster who hurts things for fun!”
“Far as I can tell ya’ll, he ain’t lyin’,” Applejack added quietly and then tipped her hat forward.
“Villain, you would dare to claim-“Celestia began but was cut off by a fierce glare from Discord.
“I dare? I dare to tell the truth if you dare to hear it! Did you even think that perhaps I was not the only one of my kind in existence? Did it ever occur to you to even ask ? Of course not! You had your ‘monster ’ all wrapped up in stone! There was no need for you to look any further, which is just what my so-called ‘siblings ’ wanted!” Discord was looming over the room of ponies with smoke beginning to roll off of his body, it now being much larger than usual and not a single one of them was without a shiver of fear at the raw anger the chaotic being was radiating, bathing the room in a sanguine glow.
The solar princess was not sure how to respond to his accusations. Had she jumped to conclusions all those centuries ago? Had there been others working behind the scenes without her knowledge? She had never considered herself flawless, but this was… “What…what siblings are you talking about?” Her voice seemed deathly quiet after the shouting that had just taken place.
Discord seemed to gather himself with no small effort and sat down, peering over his steepled digits. “The two responsible for the loss of life were ‘Warfare’ and ‘Evolution’. They are not draconequui like me, but they are hybrid creatures made of different parts. Warfare is a Monoceros and Evolution a Tarasque.” He paused a moment to shoot a look around the room, demanding that questions be saved for later. Princess Twilight was sweating from the effort of remaining silent.
“Those two had their own agenda during the ‘Time of Chaos’ but since I was the outspoken one and was seeking attention while carelessly spreading chaos, they worked behind the scenes; doing terrible things to all the races of Equus. Death is not chaos; the misery it leaves behind is often discordant but not at all what I’m about as it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Had I been paying attention… no matter, I couldn’t have faced off against them; this world would not have survived a direct battle between Aspects. Once I was ‘captured’, they ceased their plans and decided to bide their time, waiting for when the danger of Harmony had passed.” He trailed off at the end for a moment, perhaps lost in memories.
Just when it seemed Twilight was going to explode from not asking questions, Discord continued. “Warfare left Equus altogether. It seems he found a little blue planet quite similar to ours, but the dominant life form turned out to be an apex predator; far more in tune with war than your little ponies to be sure.” To his captive audience, Discord seemed almost smug for some unknown reason. “He’s been happily mucking about there for thousands of years now and the species ruling that planet is among the deadliest I’ve encountered in the many universes I’ve visited.”
Discord sighed in regret. “Evolution never lost his interest in seeing the creatures of Equus run his gauntlet and emerge on the other side shaped and molded into his ideal form. He spent the last few thousand years away from Equus, breeding monsters whose only purpose is to kill and break things.” Fluttershy began to silently weep at the thought of creatures being bred only for suffering and Pinkie Pie threw a foreleg over her shoulder for comfort, her own mane beginning to lose its usual curl.
Discord gently patted the head of the butter-colored pony absently. “You see, while he may be obsessed with forward progress, his weakness has always been games and challenges. He considers Life a test with only winners or losers and nothing excites him more than pitting sapient creatures against each other in games of skill and power, leaving the victor standing above the defeated changed in some way. In this game, he’s taken the position as the Black King and we make up the ranks of the White Army.”
“This brute sees the death and suffering of others as a game?” Rarity’s outrage was almost palpable.
Discord smirked at the unicorn. “Oh yes, but that weakness gives us a chance. If we can turn his obsession against him, he may show himself and then be stopped for good.”
Rainbow Dash was expectedly the first to jump at the challenge. “So what’er we waiting for? Let’s go bust him up!” Her aerial boxing moves inspiring less fear than smiles.
Princess Cadence stepped up with her own question. “How do we play a game we don’t know the rules to? What are we to do?” Her distraught tone caused Shining Armor to nuzzle her for support.
Discord raised a paw for silence. The Equestrian diarchy were silently mulling over all the information they had, the rulers of the snowy north were comforting each other, and the six friends from Ponyville were gathered together with determined looks. “Naturally, I’ve already taken the first step. If it hadn’t been for my own brush with friendship, I may have avoided getting involved in this mess altogether, but I can’t do that now. I actually have something to lose. Unfortunately, Evolution set the rule that any help I enlisted could not be native to our world.” This statement caused several ponies to gasp in understanding, while the rest were unsure what exactly Discord was trying to say.
The Draconequus continued his story after a brief pause. “So, some time ago I split off a fragment of my power and sent it looking through the various worlds beyond the mirror to find an edge, something he wouldn’t suspect as dangerous. I needed someone or something that could become a weapon for Equus but still embody the virtues Celestia is so fond of. It would need to be clever, strong, and stouthearted. What we needed was a hero, and I found him in quite the ironic place.” With a snap of his paw, there was a three-dimensional hologram of Nathaniel floating in the middle of the room and rotating slowly, his stance upright and his shoulders squared while he gazed intently at the horizon.
“You see, he’s a human straight from the planet that Warfare spent so much time shaping. If either of them knew I was pitting their efforts against one another, they would have a conniption fit,” Discord said, giggling by the time he finished speaking.
Rainbow Dash flittered around the projection once and gave a dismissive grunt. “He doesn’t look all that tough to me.”
Discord grinned like a Cheshire Cat. “That’s the point featherbrain, if he looked dangerous then Evolution would redouble his efforts to kill him, wouldn’t he?”
Celestia seemed to break from her trance. “You brought something that lives and breathes war to Equestria?” Her tone was more surprised than accusatory.
“Do you know what that boy was before I found him?” Discord asked in a dangerously polite tone. “He was a simple college student. He lived a sedentary lifestyle playing games and attending school. From my observations he seemed listless, because there was something missing from his life. So, I asked him what his wish was and do you know what he said? ‘I want the power to be the hero I’ve always dreamed of’ he told me.”
Luna smiled at the supposedly warlike creature having such an innocent desire and wanted a chance to peek into his dreams one night to get her own measure of the young man.
Discord paused a moment to let his words sink in. “Since then, that boy has braved a sunken city under the ocean and full of raving murderers to reach dozens of kidnapped children; those are young humans for you ponies, foals if you will. Even though it would have been far easier to sacrifice their lives in exchange for extra power to escape that nightmare place, he instead rescued every one of them and ended up giving his own life to see them reach freedom. After that, he used the bonds of Friendship to save the lives of his friends and neighbors by diving into a terrible place where demons roamed and eventually stopped a serial killer, saving a whole town that wasn’t even his own.”
“He’s done all that and more, playing the hero multiple times. When I told him that we would be coming to Equus to save an alien race of ponies that had nothing to do with him he didn’t even hesitate or try to talk his way out of it. He just asked what the plan was and decided to put his life on the line again: for all of you and the rest of this world. A world he figures may reject him for being different and he still is willing to fight for you. Would you dare judge him Celestia?” Discord finished, anger beginning to seep back into in his tone.
“Well shoot. Any critter that’d risk his life fer perfect strangers cain’t be all bad. Especially since them strangers include ma family and friends,” Applejack said with a smile.
Rarity beamed. “Yes, he may look a bit…different…but he certainly has the heart of gentlestallion to save all those youth at great personal cost. Maybe I could even adjust his wardrobe…as a gift of course!”
Pinkie Pie was bouncing around the room with undisguised zeal. “Oh boy! A ‘Welcome to the Planet Party’ will be sooooo epic! Cakes, music, punch, games, dancing and ooooh, maybe fireworks!”
The Solar Princess had the good grace to look ashamed. “I suppose I was quick to jump to an unfair judgment, and I apologize. Where is this champion now and why aren’t we helping him?” She looked genuinely worried about the boy.
Discord shook his head in disappointment. “We cannot give him too much aid directly or Progress, as he calls himself, will consider that ‘cheating’ and punish us or more likely him. I’ve set him on a path that will build his strength and I’ve given him the basic necessities to begin but I dare not do much more at this time. For now we’ll have to trust in his ingenuity and willpower until I can return to his side as ‘advisor’. For now, I wanted you all to know the stakes at risk and prepare for the worst.”
The spirit of disharmony looked around the room and made sure all were paying attention. “Evolution will slowly begin to release stronger monsters into the wild over the course of another two weeks or so and they will become powerful and bold enough to attack cities and villages. This is where the guard will be vital in saving lives. With enough support, the army should be able to buy enough time to either construct magical barriers to permanently keep the cities safe or evacuate them to the nearest place that has such measures functional.” Shining Armor nodded and began writing a letter to the guard commanders in Canterlot while the Princess of Friendship took notes on researching wards and shields for the towns of Equestria.
Discord turned to the Ponyville mares. “Fluttershy and Applejack, for your safety and the safety of those you care about, you should move your friends and family into town because you will soon find yourselves overrun by beasts. Before you say it, I understand you have your reasons for staying but believe me when I say that they aren’t worth your lives, are they?”
Applejack seemed particularly upset but when the Draconequus assured her the monsters weren’t interested in smashing her farmhouse, she relented grudgingly. Fluttershy was reassured by Twilight that there were plenty of empty rooms in the palace for her animal friends and she seemed to relax a bit.
“I’ve done enough talking for now. I’m sure you’re about to burst at the seams with unasked questions Sparkles, but I think we all have enough on our plates as it is, so we’ll have to have that discussion later,” Discord said while holding a dinner plate full of wooden blocks that spelled ‘enough’. “Evolution may be the ‘Game Master’, but I for one plan to win this particular game. What about you ponies?”
The cheer the ponies mustered seemed to lift the oppressive mood surrounding the room and reinforced the determination in their hearts. Equestria would not go down quietly or without a fight.
Author's Note
Level 1 Student
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Come then, and let us pass a leisure hour in storytelling, and our story shall be the education of our heroes.Plato
Stand or fall I know there shall be peace in the valley and it's all an affair of my life with the heroes and villains.Beach Boys
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Have Fiction - Will Travel
The road less traveled is often littered with the corpses of the foolhardy.
[Windy Moorland – south of the Crystal Mountains]
Nathaniel had been sneaking and hiding as he traveled by using whatever small rise in the land he could find, making full use of any shrub, rock, or stunted tree available and generally using every trick he had learned during his time as the cybernetic security chief, Adam Jensen. Unfortunately, despite Adam having had the benefit of a surprising amount of waist-high cover to utilize, Nathaniel was finding the moorland a real pain to navigate while remaining unseen. Already in the past hour, he’d run into two more Prairie Rats and been forced to dispatch them; one he managed to even successfully sneak up behind and finish off with a stealthy blow, demonstrating that there was some kind of damage bonus or skill modifier for sneak attacks. Since the man actually preferred stealth to front-line fighting, he was quite happy with this new information.
The real cause for his agitation however, was the appearance of a frightening new monster that Nathan spotted from a distance and had no intention of tangling with at this time; namely something his HUD labeled as a Wolf-Spider . As expected, these were full grown wolves with bulbous abdomens where their tails would be and four additional limbs of the arachnid variety: two jutting eerily from the front-shoulder area and two from behind the hind wolf legs. The most unnerving thing about the creatures to the hero was the multitude of wolf eyes peering over a fang-filled snout that was turned sideways , like a spider’s mandible. Just looking at the things from a distance turned his stomach and he felt the violation of such a creation. He watched as they moved with a liquid scuttle across the grasslands, pouncing on anything too slow to escape and wrapping them up in silk cocoons for later eating. Nathaniel was keen to notice Daisy Chain hovering as close as possible in abject terror of being spotted.
After another hour of slow but methodical prowling, Nathaniel came across the main roadway leading north/south and he assumed from his guiding arrow, the road that would get him closer to the Moot. He didn’t dare relax completely, but his observations showed that the roads seemed less populated by flesh-hungry critters than the plain he had just vacated. As he traveled along the road, keeping his head on a swivel and scanning the grasslands for threats, he noticed something large enough on the horizon to be seen at distance that appeared to be sitting in the middle of the roadway further along his path. Within the hour he came upon what used to be a traveler’s wagon, its contents now strewn about along with the telltale signs of bloodstains on the surrounding ground.
“Poor bastards never had a chance. Although…” the boy paused as he walked the scene. “It looks like these tracks show another group coming from the north and heading back that way. Rescuers perhaps? I don't see any bodies, or remains so... At the least, I should search the wagon for any valuables that might be left behind.” He looked at Daisy in mock innocence. “You know, in case they might want any of it back?”
“Mmmhmm,” was the only response he received from the tiny creature, her mellow bass showing her disbelief at his supposed altruism.
Nathaniel grinned. “I knew you’d agree,” he responded, and walked up to the wagon with his weapon at the ready. Part of the vehicle was still covered by some kind of tarp and the shapes underneath seemed to be boxes or crates judging from their outlines. Looking around the wreckage, he spotted a small chest on the road that had been turned on its side, the recent scuffmarks not enough to hide the obvious value of the chest and its probable contents. Picking the small container up, he noted the weight and the sound of jingling inside. His excitement growing, Nathaniel pried the chest open to reveal a small fortune in small gemstones and coins, ‘bits’ according to the survival guide he skimmed earlier. Mixed in among the treasure were some unadorned pieces of simple jewelry in various precious metals.
“Jackpot,” he said quietly and stuffed the box into his kitten-motif backpack. He then smiled smugly at Daisy Chain and moved around to the wagon bed to finish his search.
As he reached the back of the wagon, he lifted the corner of the tarp with his free hand and held his stick at the ready, thoughts of Barry Bonds batting swings foremost in his mind. As he pulled the tarp off the boxes, he could have sworn that one of the smaller crates moved under its own power. This kind of freaked the man out more than a little. With his heart hammering in his chest, he whipped the tarp the rest of the way off in one motion and gripped his stick with both hands taking up a batter’s stance and waiting for something to happen. Daisy Chain seemed to vanish into thin air, defining discretion as the better part of valor. The box remained still. After a moment, an idea occurred to him.
“Hello? Is there anyone there?” he said in his conversational volume, hoping to trigger something. What he didn’t expect was the muffled gasp followed by silence that emanated from the box in question. He was now curious and also worried that what he had was an abandoned survivor on his hands. “It’s alright. I won’t hurt you. If you need help, I promise I’ll do what I can. Just…come out of the box and talk to me, okay?”
The edge of the box lifted slightly and he saw a pair of eyes peeking out at him from underneath. “W-what are you?” the small girlish voice asked. “A-are you a m-minotaur?”
Figuring that he was dealing with a child, Nathaniel lowered his stick and tried a reassuring smile. “Not exactly, although I think we may be related," he postulated with an exaggerated scratch of his chin. "I’m a human, and my name is Nate. What’s your name?”
The small creature didn’t answer right away, but after a few moments the voice replied, “L-Lemon, Lemon Square. Where…where is everypony? Why am I all a-alone?” The tears in her voice were obvious.
Nathaniel gave a sad smile. “Do you remember anything before...you hid away sweetie? I think some monsters showed up and did some scary things.” The sniffling from under the box was all the confirmation he needed. “The ones you traveled with, I think they were hurt but someone came and took them away to get better. You did such a good job of hiding, they didn’t notice you hun and that’s why you’re here, but I’ll take you to them if you want, okay?”
The box lifted to reveal a small, lemon-yellow filly. Her white mane and tail were looking rather worse for wear and her general appearance seemed dirty and sweaty.
‘Oh my god, these ponies are adorable… No wonder Discord is pissed, ’ he thought.
It pained his heart to imagine this poor child alone for a least a couple of days, hiding under a tarp and judging from the apple cores, eating what little food survived the attack. “Are you hungry or thirsty?” Her nod was almost enough to stop the slow leak of tears from her eyes in anticipation of sustenance. Nathaniel had found a few rations and a water skin filled with fresh clean water at the bottom of his bag when he skinned his more recent kills. “It’s okay; I promise I’m your friend. Come closer and I’ll give you a drink. Don’t drink too fast or you’ll make yourself sick, understand?” She nodded but her dried and cracked lips demonstrated that Nathan would have to watch her carefully.
Slowly, she crawled closer and Nathaniel, just as slowly, lifted the skin and poured a trickle of water into her eager mouth. “There you go, slow down. That’s it.” Nathan continued to coo and speak in soothing tones hoping to calm the filly and gain her trust. “Do you like pears Lemon?” She nodded again. “Good, I have some nice juicy pear cubes in syrup. Not the healthiest meal, but the sugar and the liquid should help.” He peeled open a tin of canned pears and slid it across the wagon bed towards the little pony and she seemed to enjoy them with gusto. Daisy Chain came out of hiding to look at the little filly and Nathaniel decided to introduce the two of them. “Lemon Square, this is my companion, Daisy Chain. Daisy, this is our new friend Lemon Square.”
Lemon looked up from her feast and her eyes became huge. “That’s a breezie! I’ve never seen one before but, wow!” Nathaniel loved how resilient kids could be at times. The genuine smile on her face did all of them some good he thought. “Are…are you really my friend?” the filly asked, a pout forming on her face. Nathaniel and Daisy Chain smiled at the little one.
“Cross my heart Lemon. We will take you with us to meet up with your fellow wagon riders. Were your parents or close family with you on this trip?” Nathaniel asked gently.
Lemon shook her head. “I was with my aunt and uncle. Momma said that this was a chance to see the world.” Her face fell. “I didn’t k-know it was so d-dangerous…” When she started to cry, Nathaniel gently pulled her close for a hug and began stroking her mane.
Nathaniel spoke in a soft voice and continued petting the pony. “It’s okay. Normally, this road is probably really safe but some big old mean thing is trying to do bad things all over the world, and your friend Nate is going to beat him up. Just you wait.”
After a few moments of crying, the filly got herself under control. “You’re so soft,” she mumbled, the exhaustion in her voice evident. Nathaniel quietly tucked her inside his robe and after some creative work with the pack straps and the robe tie, he had fashioned a little hammock inside his luxurious bathrobe, her little head peeking out of the top, eyes closed and breathing even.
With the familiar sound of Skyrim-style snare drums, text popped up in his vision.
Quest: Taking Fruit to the Moot
Reading the quest description revealed only: Reunite Lemon Square with her family and Nathaniel noticed two more arrows pointing in the same direction as the Plain’s Moot on his HUD compass. “Sounds like a plan,” he said. “But we need to move, the last thing I want is to spend the night out here. The Moot shouldn’t be too much father, maybe two miles or so if I’m reading this right. Let’s move Colonel Sanders.” Nathan’s grin was cheeky.
Daisy Chain huffed and her smooth radio voice commented, “That’s funny comin’ from Sir Sneaks-a-lot.”
Nathaniel just shrugged. “Camping is a valid strategy too pal, but someone is always butt-hurt.” With that, he headed off down the road, trying not to jostle the filly too much but using his height to produce some distance-eating strides as smoothly as possible.
Within the hour, the group of various tents and wagons was visible on the horizon as the sun began to get a little too low in the sky for Nathan’s taste. Taking a quick look around for hostiles, he upped his speed in hopes of reaching the camp faster. Daisy Chain was flying a bit higher as lookout and suddenly was soaring down quickly to report her findings.
“Better book it quick baby; I spotted a murder of Murder Crows headed this way about five miles from here. If they catch up, all folks 'll find left of us is some bits of cloth and whatever shiny bits they don’t carry off! Move it!” With that the ‘breezie’ zoomed off ahead towards the camp and Nathan wrapped his arms around Lemon Square for support and began to run in earnest. The bouncing woke the filly and she looked around in undisguised terror.
“Why are we running? What’s wrong?” she cried.
“It’s okay *huff* honey, we’re almost there but *gasp* we don’t want to play with *wheeze* any monsters right now so we’re gonna *puff* just run on past them and *huff* find your family, okay?” Nathaniel said, his breath beginning the strain at the continued pace. Despite being small, the filly wasn’t what Nathan would call ‘light’ and the added weight of his gear was not helping his cause.
Nathan was sorely tempted to look behind him at his supposed incoming doom, but it never seemed to work out for the protagonists of books or movies and he was rather attached to his face; and his arms. Also his legs and pretty much the rest of his body parts would be greatly missed if they became birdfeed. So, overcoming his morbid curiosity Nathaniel continued to sprint the last leg of his run, until he spotted what seemed to be an actual minotaur guard accompanied by a…lion-eagle guarding the closest entrance, the rest of the visible Moot blocked off by hastily constructed wooden fencing to limit access, probably from hungry monsters unless Nathaniel missed his guess.
‘A…griffon! That’s it, it’s a griffon! ’ he thought in triumph as he stopped right in front of them, several feet away and struggling to catch his breath. He eyed their defensive stances and weapons carefully, trying to formulate his words. Since he was stopped for the moment, he decided to turn and look at the thing he was running away from and immediately wished he hadn’t.
Growing closer with each moment was a flying, black cloud of death only a couple miles away. Their numbers must have been in the hundreds with the size of the flock moving towards them, and Nathaniel seriously contemplated forcing his way past the guards to find refuge when the flock suddenly wheeled off to the east for reasons that weren’t quite clear; that is, until a rather large-looking dragon took flight from behind a copse of trees and tried to escape the swarm of Murder Crows that had noticed it. It beat its wings frantically, heading east away from the birds, but they were faster and apparently rather determined to bring the great beast down.
The dragon roared some form of draconic curse and roasted dozens of the bloodthirsty monsters with a quick neck turn and a gale of fire breath, but the survivors simply folded their wings and tore through the dragon’s membranes with razor-sharp beaks, like a blast of feathered nails. Screeching in agony the dragon attempted to correct its failing altitude but the Murder Crows continued to harass the drake despite their heavy losses to bouts of flame until it plummeted from the sky, its wings too damaged to keep it aloft any further. With a resounding crash, the large dragon hit the ground rolling and the black cloud circled overhead momentarily before converging on the fallen one to shred the meat from the struggling beast via claw and beak. While Nathaniel was both fascinated and nauseated, the two guards looked like they couldn’t even begin to understand what they had just witnessed. Lemon Square was hiding inside his bathrobe, terrified beyond rational thought and Daisy Chain flew over to land on her shivering form.
“Gentlemen, I hate to rush you but I’ve got a little filly here whose family was brought here wounded from an ambush on the road and as a bonus I’d like to get inside the Moot before those crows decide to look for dessert,” Nathaniel said, trying to sound reasonable. He was looking calm on the surface but the nervous energy he had was causing him to bounce slightly from foot to foot in anticipation.
The minotaur recovered first and blinked slowly before frowning. “Yes, Stone Fist remembers this. Two ponies were seriously hurt, monsters on the road. How did you get here unhurt stranger?” His tone wasn’t threatening just yet, but anyone could tell it was a near thing.
Nathaniel just smiled. “I hid when I could and ran when I couldn’t,” he shrugged. "When I found this little one I brought her with me to reunite her with her family. If there’s one thing I’m proud of it’s my hiding and sneaking away from monsters skill.” Nathaniel tried to appear nonthreatening and sound as if he was just damn lucky to have made it. The minotaur glanced at the filly he was petting and then at the ‘breezie’ and let out a breath he had been holding.
“Very well stranger, Stone Fist welcomes you to the Plain’s Moot as long as you don’t start trouble.” Nathan could tell the minotaur’s heart wasn’t in the threat though, as if the weight of all the recent activity was taking its toll on him and he wasn’t sure what to think. “The pony’s family should be by the medical tent in the center. Once the sun is down, Stone Fist suggests you find shelter in one of the tent houses rented to traveling visitors.” His griffon companion only spared Nathaniel a quick once over before returning his attention to the sounds that still carried over the grassland of the struggling dragon and its horde of tormentors.
“My thanks Stone Fist,” Nathaniel commented and walked past the guards into the town-sized grouping of wagons and colorful tents and headed for the center of the gathering. His HUD informed him that the quest Make it to the Moot was complete and he was awarded the experience, along with a message that he was now level two.
His vision was quickly filled with some messages about his promotion:
Nathaniel became a bit stronger.
Nathaniel became a bit smarter.
Nathaniel became a little faster.
Nathaniel learned the spell Blast.
Following the last message, he noticed a new bar added to his HUD that simply read ‘Mana ’ and the knowledge on how to use his new spell was suddenly part of his memory; the idea gave him a slight shiver when he thought about his memories being written against his will. Nonetheless, he was officially stronger and that was never a bad thing. Looking through his skills, he also noticed that his newly visible Prowl skill had increased to sixty-five, his Skinning to thirteen and his previously undiscovered Speechcraft had increased to forty-two.
“Ah, yeah!” Nathaniel quietly celebrated.
‘Things just might be looking up for me after all ,’ he thought.
“How about we go find your aunt and uncle little one?” Nathaniel asked. The filly looked up at him, still slightly shell-shocked but slowly managed a timid smile and a nod. “Okay, like I said; I’m your friend and friends help each other out.” With one last rub of her mane, the man set off to finish his next quest and then figure out the next step.
Author's Note
Level 2 Student
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One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.Andre Gide
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.Ron White
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Have Fiction - Will Travel
No good deed goes unpunished, but sometimes pay off as well.
[Plain’s Moot – Early Evening]
Nathaniel walked a bit slower now that he was surrounded by the various colorful wagons, tents, and stalls of the Plain’s Moot while Daisy hovered about his shoulder looking at the various denizens with interest. He felt it really was rather impressive that such a mobile place of commerce could be as large but organized as this one was. The ground which should have been a muddy mess was reinforced with straw and some kind of porous stone that seemed to keep moisture from accumulating too heavily and the air was redolent with the exotic smells of oils or perhaps incense. The man chalked it up to magic as he figured this would save him future headaches in the case of ‘things that defied logic’ but weren’t ‘vitally important to understand’; he’d been doing it with Discord for years. The circular grouping of the structures offered a small labyrinth of protection the further one approached the center; much like he imagined the wagon trains of old Earth employed in times of trouble but on a grander scale. Even with this seemingly elaborate grouping however, it never felt cluttered or stifling. Truly, these folks had a system down that had been working for them for some time if Nathaniel was any judge.
As the sun neared the horizon for its final trip to nightfall and painted the sky a wondrous shade of pink, Nathaniel moved deeper into the Moot absently stroking the mane of his charge Lemon Square and continued to walk towards the arrows indicated on his HUD. Arrows that signified what he hoped would be a happy if somewhat tearful reunion. He’d heard from far too many sources that nothing hurt more than burying one’s child and a close relation was doubtfully any less painful. At first, the strange looks he’d been receiving were passed-off as his being the only human on Equus, but after a more detailed study of himself he realized that it was probably his attire that was attracting so much attention. Baby-blue bathrobe, kitten motif backpack, blood-spattered stick, and a festive party hat…
‘Well no shit, I look like a demented pedo-clown holding a small filly… ’ he thought. ‘Nothing makes a great first impression like appearing as a possible serial killer and/or kidnapper. Fucking Discord strikes again and he’s not even here, ’ he chuckled ruefully in his mind.
Deciding to look as nonchalant as possible, Nathaniel stepped out of the main thoroughfare momentarily into the narrow space between two tents and after setting Lemon down for a moment snatched the cone-shaped hat off of his head, gave a quick wipe down of his weapon and stuffed it and his hat into his backpack. Not a perfect solution but he figured it was better than nothing. He gently scooped up the filly and apologized for the delay, earning him a sleepy nuzzle for his troubles.
Feeling decidedly less self-conscious, Nathaniel continued his trek towards the center where he deduced the medical area would be: the safest place in the Moot. While it seemed the stares were not as intense anymore, he imagined that being a (he assumed) unknown race wearing a bathrobe and strolling through their settlement earned him some attention but at least he no longer felt like a potential prisoner walking to his public trial and subsequent execution. Most of the vendors seemed to be closing for the night but a glance at the various goods piqued his interest enough to immediately plan a follow-up visit in the morning. Weapons, armors, and other adventuring gear seemed to be in abundance here which was exactly what Nathaniel was looking for; that and maybe a hot date.
Nathaniel had been painfully celibate for over two years now thanks to the scripted schedules he’d been forced to slave over; not to mention how many times he’d been surrounded by attractive women and been unable to act on his desire to score a date because of time constraints or story manipulation. His hesitation at exploring sexuality with beings that weren’t human had gradually begun to wane after time spent as Kratos and facing so many attractive demi-humans (he was also still angry at Patches, due to his denying Nathan any pursuit of the sexual mini-games available as the God of War). He realized that his human girl options had vanished entirely with this latest trip and figured that if he was going to risk life and limb in the ultimate gamble of defying Evolution, he might as well sow some heroic oats before he got himself killed; maybe he could meet a sexy dryad or perhaps sleep with a cute siren? So far, he sadly admitted he hadn’t seen anything that was attractive enough to pursue but he reminded himself that he’d only been on this world for less than a day and not to rend his clothes while lamenting just quite yet.
Shaken from his lewd thoughts in surprise of reaching his destination, he found himself just outside a white tent with a recognizable red cross which seemed to be run by more ponies. Chuckling at an errant thought concerning the implications of cross-dimensional echoes in relation to saddles of all things, he double-checked his quest marker and once he confirmed that this was the place, he took a deep breath and stepped into the tent. Moving through the tent to a partitioned section which gave patients a measure of privacy, he was greeted by the soul-crushing sounds of pure heartbreak emanating from a golden-coated mare with a spring-green mane; her bandaged form huddled over a pillow and sobbing.
Lemon Square stirred in his arms and open her eyes sleepily, “Auntie Gold? Is that you?” The effect was immediate as the bedridden mare sucked in a choking sob and went dead silent, her eyes wide as she stared at the bedspread in forlorn hope. “Auntie Gold! It’s me, Lemon! I’m finally h-here!” the filly yelled before breaking down into tears of her own, her little forelegs stretching towards her family. Nathaniel took that as his cue to swiftly move close to the occupied bed and lie the youth on the blankets.
The distraught mare moved woodenly at first and then with some alacrity as she scooped up the filly and began to hug her senseless. “Oh my Goddess! Sweet Celestia, you haven’t forsaken us! Lemon, you’re a-alive! Are you hurt honey? Are you okay?” The older mare continued to pour both affection and concerned questions over the little one while she squirmed under the assault of cuddles. Nathaniel stepped back a respectful distance and enjoyed the moment with a slight smile. The increasing volume of noise attracted the attention of others and two more ponies entered the partitioned-off area the three were occupying only to have both stop in stunned silence.
One was a pale-green mare with a nurses cap perched on her head, her flank bearing an image of a reflex hammer Nathan thought, and her pink eyes wide as she looked at the man in confusion. The other pony seemed to be a deep-brown coated stallion going by his bigger build and more-squared muzzle, sporting a rust-red mane and tail. Nathaniel couldn’t make out what his flank mark was supposed to be as it looked like a shapeless, darker brown patch of something he couldn’t identify, but the splints on two of his legs and the head and chest bandages gave the impression that he was a tough son of a bitch. The stallion didn’t even spare him a glance as his eyes were focused solely on the two mares fussing on the bed, his mouth slowly opening wider as disbelief plastered itself all over his features.
Finally the stallion seemed to break out of his mind-lock. “Lemmy? Is that really little Lemmy I see?” his voice was a smooth tenor and accented with a slight quaver but loud enough that the two mares on the bed noticed as he approached hesitantly, limping on his casts.
“Uncle Loamy! I’m…I’m…” whatever Lemon Square wanted to convey was lost in fresh tears as she started to cry once again and her aunt pulled her in for another bout of hugs prompting a text message to pop up in Nathaniel’s HUD.
Completed Quest: Taking Fruit to the Moot
Nathan was awarded a decent amount of experience for the quest and gauged that he was probably well on his way to the next level. Looking at the nurse pony, he motioned her over with a hand. It took a moment, but she got the message and approached with caution. Nathaniel knelt down so as to avoid looming over her and spoke quietly. “She’s badly dehydrated and a little hungry being on her own for what I assume is a couple of days. I didn’t find any external injuries on her but I did get her to drink a little water and eat some pear so food and rest will probably be best, possibly some vitamin supplements but it’s your show nurse,” he said with a warm smile. The pony seemed either surprised at his information or his imagined eloquence; he wasn’t one-hundred percent sure which.
“Is first aid something you’re trained in?” she asked with a curious tilt of her head, her eyes taking him in from head to toe.
Nathaniel shrugged his shoulders noncommittally, “I’ve had basic training for life saving emergencies and first aid but I’m no doctor, or even a nurse. I just know enough to be helpful until real medical care is available.”
The pony blushed as if something just occurred to her. “I’m terribly sorry, where are my manners? I’m Delicate Treatment, a nurse for the Plain’s Moot Medical Center. I apologize for this but, whom and somewhat more importantly what are you, if that’s not too forward?”
Nathaniel grinned. “I suppose I should get used to that, being so far from home. I’m Nathaniel or Nate for short. I’m a human, probably a distant relation to minotaurs,” he said while thinking about the dreadful myth of Minos, Poseidon, and Pasiphaë. “I may be the first to walk these shores, at least in recent memory so I understand your curiosity.”
She tittered while holding a hoof in front of her mouth. “I didn’t want to be rude, but you did sort of look like a minotaur that had survived a terrible accident or something. A human you say? I don’t imagine I’ve ever heard of or seen one of your kind before, Nate. Nonetheless, you’ve made two ponies very happy when they were on the verge of heartbreak. Thank you for that.” Her smile was genuine and no longer laced with the unease that graced it before.
Nathaniel smiled and gave her an overly hammy bow from his kneeling position, causing the mare to giggle again. Nathan managed to overhear the three family members talking as Lemon told her tale, picking up where Nathaniel found her in the wagon. Her embellishments of his actions and deeds made him out to be some kind of legendary hero out of an epic story and Nathaniel chuckled as he stood to his full height again. By the time she finished, Nathan was feeling a little embarrassed at the hero-worship the filly was heaping upon him.
Nathaniel quietly coughed to get their attention and looked at the pair on the bed with a cocked eyebrow and a crooked smile. “Lemon Square, while I appreciate the glowing review, I just did what any decent…er, being would do in that situation. I’m just glad you’re back with your family, and not hurt too badly,” he said in mock seriousness. This seemed to finally get Lemon’s family to finally notice Nathaniel standing in the room. The reactionary looks of frightened shock quickly passed but still kind of hurt his feelings a little before the stallion finally limped over and gingerly offered a hoof.
“I'm Rich Loam and that's my wife Golden Orchard and while I don’t know what you are mister, you saved our Lemmy and that’s all that matters to me.” Nathan wasn’t sure exactly what the offered hoof was for but he gambled with a fist bump, which the pony grinned at. The man figured that was close enough with a half-shrug.
“Think nothing of it, uh sir. I’m sorry about your wagon and its contents. They didn’t survive for the most part. The majority of it was scattered about haphazardly…” As much as he wanted to, Nathan couldn’t in good conscience keep the chest of money he found if it was all they had left; he just wouldn’t feel right about it.
The stallion gave him a grim smile. “Yeah, that’s tough for sure but we’ll pull through. Some lost goods are a small price to pay for our niece being spared. I figure you don’t feel much like a hero from yer fidgeting but as far as me and mine go, you’re sure as hay our savior.” Nathaniel barely managed to avoid blushing at his candor. Lemon Square added her cheery acknowledgement while the bedridden mare smiled at Nathan with genuine goodwill.
Sheepishly scratching the back of his head Nathaniel smiled at the family and then in a bit of acting, snapped his fingers as if recalling a forgotten detail. “Ah, yeah! I just remembered,” he said and proceeded to remove his backpack to his audience’s bemusement. Digging around in the Kitten 9000, he finally extracted the small chest and held it out to the stallion. “This was on the road nearby. Seemed like it might be important so…”
The married couple looked at the chest in undisguised surprise and then at one another. The mare simply nodded at her husband with a glowing smile and the stallion looked back at Nathaniel with a big grin, much to Nathan’s confusion.
“You keep it friend. While I appreciate you returnin’ that chest to us, consider it our gift,” the stallion clarified. He looked the bathrobe and kitten-pack up and down and then returned to looking at the man in the eyes. “I have a feeling you can put it to more immediate use than we can, and it would be our honor for you ta’ use it to do more good deeds fer others like ya done for us.”
Nathan just looked at the stallion and then blinked. “Say again? You, really want me to keep this?” The family nodding at him while the filly giggled, signaled their approval. “Well, I’m not sure how to take all this generosity so I’ll just say thank you kindly and leave you fine ponies to some quiet family time.” As he started to rise, Lemon Square called out to him.
“You’re not gonna just disappear, are you?” The filly asked with a quivering lip. The man shook his head with a grin and assured her he was not. “Okay, don’t forget about me, promise?”
“I promise little one. Goodnight everyone,” he said and then turned to the nurse pony who had been quietly observing everything. “And goodnight to you madam,” he added with an overly dramatic bow and poorly conceived Shakespearian accent, causing her to suffer fresh giggles. With that, he gave a jaunty salute (that they probably wouldn’t easily recognize on hindsight) and spinning around he stepped out of the partitioned area and exited the tent into the cool twilight air.
‘I need to find a place to crash but before I go to bed, I’m thinking maybe a nice stiff drink, ’ he thought. With that, he began to wander the mobile settlement, looking for a little booze before bedtime.
Author's Note
Level 2 Student
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Not all those who wander are lost.J.R.R. Tolkien
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.Oscar Wilde
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Downtown at Sundown or (How I got my New Threads)
Nathaniel stepped out into the cooling air of dusk and paused to take in his surroundings. After a moment of quiet contemplation (and making sure Daisy Chain was nearby), he began to look for anyone that seemed to be heading away from the housing tents area and towards what he hoped would be a bar or tavern; or whatever folks in this world called a ‘place of libations’. After a few minutes of observation he spotted what seemed to be a few off-duty guards talking about the recent monster attacks and the increase of their shift overlap with obvious distaste. Of course, following cranky and armed combatants in the dark felt rather suicidal.
‘If these guards are anything like the ones from home, then a drink after a long post is probably a given ,’ the man thought. ‘But with how tense everyone is I may end up on the end up on spear point if I skulk around these damn alleys at night. ’
With a quiet *poof* next to his ear, Nathaniel head Discord whisper, “Fear not trepid adventurer, I shall guide you to the ballasts of booze, the mecca of malt liquor, the almighty altar of alcohol!”
Turning his head, the boy saw a miniature draconequus dancing the Melborne Shuffle above his right shoulder with a silly grin on its face. Nathan schooled his expression to hide the relief at seeing the chaotic being again, but the feeling in his chest was there all the same; much to his shame. “So, Discord rejoins the party?” Nathaniel asked, pointing to the same text floating at the top of his visual field. “No offense big buy, but maybe a disguise would keep everyone in town from freaking out; assuming your reputation is anything like what you’ve explained.”
“Naturally dear boy, I will be taking a new spin on an old classic.” With that, Discord snapped his claw and after being engulfed in a cloud of nut and bolts, they sprayed forth to reveal a small mechanical owl of obvious theatrical origins instead of his usual chaotic appearance where he perched on the man’s shoulder.
“Wow, Bubo from Clash of the Titans ? Man, I loved that movie when I was a kid,” Nathaniel couldn’t help exclaim with a grin.
“Indeed. I found the form to be quite charming myself, as well as directly useful to our quest considering flight, encyclopedic knowledge, and the ability to carry messages of course,” the mechanical owl said through a small speaker in its chest. The voice was no longer Discord’s, but Nathaniel knew he’d heard it before, from somewhere familiar.
“I…recognize that voice form something. It’s on the tip of my tongue too,” Nathan said while looking over the disguised chaos lord. “It fits the look though, very sharp. I can just hear you insulting the enemy now with cultured barbs. ‘You’re a chromosome deficient menace to all living creatures and societies you cur,’” Nathaniel said whilst posing with one hand on his chest and the other held out and upward as if delivering lines from a play.
“Yes or when you defeat some villain I could say, ‘If one dances, one must pay the piper’” Discord replied, as if using a direct quote.
Then it clicked in the boy’s head. “Oh snap, that’s V.I.N.CENT from The Black Hole! That’s totally badass! Roddy McDowell just has one of those voices you want to use in heated diplomacy meetings…or prior to vicious bar fights,” Nathan said while chuckling.
“Indeed. Henceforth, I shall use the name Archimedes. It’s both stylish and classic,” the owl pronounced.
Nathaniel laughed. “Sure, sure…just stop the reference train and let me off. Anyway, drinks and relaxation before bed. I’ll follow your lead…Archie,” he finished with a grin.
Archimedes gave a long-suffering sigh. “I suppose I deserve that, for one reason or another. I’ll just send the directions to your Pimp-Boy. As for you my fractured friend…” The owl looked over at Daisy Chain for a moment while he considered.
Nathan shrugged as he turned to leave. “Why not just send her to your girlfriend, the cake princess? You know, so she knows you care ~,” he teased.
The owl managed to somehow ruffle his mechanical feathers and manage a look of outrage despite his metallic nature. “Wha-? Girlfriend indeed! There is no way it would ever- *ahem* That is to say, you’ve no idea what you’re talking about! At any rate , sending a fragment of myself to Celestia would probably be prudent,” Archimedes said before grumbling in a low whisper, “Pfah, girlfriend he says…” With a wave of one of his wings, the owl sent Daisy Chain off to Canterlot in a small poof of glitter.
Nathan clapped his hands with a chuckle. “Enough lollygagging pal, let’s hit the trail and knock back some suds.” Nathaniel proceeded to talk toward the arrow his Pimp-Boy suggested for reaching the tavern. After scrolling through his menu for a moment, he noticed something interesting. “So we’re heading to ‘The Bit and the Barrel’, huh? Nice. I like the sound of it.”
Archie/Discord clicked his beak. “Yes, for a mobile place of business, they have a surprising amount of positive reputation among merchants and travelers alike. It may have something to do with them keeping any brawls to nothing more than a bloody nose or two, and they try to keep their patrons out of lockup if possible.”
Nathan slowed his pace a bit. “Oh man, I’m…going to be quite the attention getter, being the only human around,” he sighed. “At least I hope they keep it to insults and away from town lynching.” The boy’s attitude seemed to drop a bit at facing a crowd of new races.
Archimedes chuckled in his cultured voice, “Fear not young Nathaniel, I’ve not brought you all this way to let you succumb to drunken knife wounds or the hangman’s noose. The people of Equus may be wary of the strange and different but they are rarely outright hostile.” The pair looked around at the townsfolk still out during sundown and as advertised, their looks were more curiosity than loathing.
Within a few minutes, the two stood before the doors of ‘The Bit and the Barrel’, said doors being classic saloon doors straight out of a Spaghetti Western. Nathaniel took a deep breath and started to step forward when he was halted by a metallic wing.
“Hold on friend,” the owl said. “First, let’s change your ensemble a bit. As dashing as I might find your terrycloth robe and kitten-tastic backpack, we might want something a bit more…”
“Manly?” The man offered.
“Down to Earth, was what I was going to say,” the owl continued with a sideways glance. Archimedes looks around for a moment and then pointed to a nearby alley with a wing. “Let’s relocate over there a spell and see if we can bring out your more glamorous side.”
Gulping loudly, Nathaniel moved to the alleyway. “I’m not sure I like the use of that word, in reference to me or anything I might wear.” Soon the two were standing in the long shadows of dusk, the ‘alley’ surprisingly clear of debris and litter.
Archimedes clicked his beak. “As mister Covey has said, ’Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships. ’ Surely, you can trust your old friend in a little fashion adjustment?”
Nathan scoffed, “Yeah, ‘old friend ’ but let’s not forget who it was that picked these…accoutrements originally.” He gripped the lapel of his baby blue bathrobe and pulled it away from his body to punctuate the statement.
The mechanical owl slowly blinked at Nathan, as if looking at a particularly slow dullard. “It was funny then , it’s not going to be as funny now if you get beaten up in the tavern for looking like a dropout from Clown College. Seriously, you of all people know the importance of comedic-” but was cut off when his head was covered by an old banana peel with a wet slap, dropped from a second story window above.
“Timing,” the boy added through his stifled laughing. “Yeah, I suppose I do.” Nathan stopped and glanced upward in confusion. “Wait, how the heck do these things have two stories!? I thought they were mobile and-“he stopped himself as the owl flicked the offending garbage off his head with a murderous glare to the window above.
“Magic,” they both said in unison, Nathaniel’s voice loaded with grim resignation.
“I ain’t gotta explain shit ,” the man groaned as an afterthought. “I thought I’d have gotten use to this nonsense by now but you do keep the horror nice and fresh.”
Archimedes posed as if addressing a proud nation, one wing raised in triumph while turning his head to the side and upwards. “I do it for posterity of course. I did promise you would see some amazing things on this journey, did I not?” The owl resumed his normal stance and looked over at his ‘hero’. “Don’t let something so trivial blow your mind, or when we get to the really amazing stuff you’ll be reduced to a vegetative state.”
Nathaniel sighed and filled it with as much despair as possible, “Such misfortune…” The boy then half-smiled and looked over at the feathered golem. “Alright, fine. Enough worrying about my sanity, you’d just tell me it’s overrated anyhow. Let’s make with the threads Archie.”
The owl flew a few feet away from Nathaniel and looked at the boy. “Try not to move too much, if you could.” With that, he waved his wings in some kind of alien pattern and in a cloud of magic; Nathan found his wardrobe had been altered a bit.
His baby blue terrycloth robe was now a deep black and had morphed a bit to become a long woolen duster. It was still soft cloth, but the outside was now a heavy-knit shell and the lining seemed to be some kind of black satin. Shiny black buttons marched up the left side of his new coat and the right side showed matching button holes. The frill on the back lay across his neck to his upper arms and made his already impressive build into a chiseled mass, complete with squared shoulders. The technicolor kid’s cat-pack he had before was now a black pleather knapsack one might find on a Pony Express carrier. It hung on his right hip complete with a big brass buckle with the strap slung across the opposite shoulder under his duster; making it almost completely hidden by the new coat. Seeing it on the upper edge of his vision, Nathaniel reached up to feel the brim of a newly acquired hat and pulled it off to see it was of Old West make. The black felt hat seemed to have been treated with something to make it waterproof and the thin black ribbon around it was in fine condition.
Nathaniel whistled. “Wow man, I look like a badass that walked off the set of Tombstone. I like it!” He replaced the hat and made some adjustments to the new clothes while turning left and right to get a better look at himself.
The metal automaton flew up to perch on the boy’s shoulder once more. “See what I said about trust? I figured you could use something a bit more stylish to wow the locals, as it were.”
Nathaniel grinned at the bird. “You keep this up and I just might start to like you D.” Nathan adjusted his hat and walked towards the saloon doors. In a passable John Wayne accent he said, “Well then partner, let’s saddle up to the bar and get us a drink.”
With that, he stepped into the tavern eager to take a good look around.
Author's Note
Updates
I was wearing black clothes almost from the beginning. I feel comfortable in black. I felt like black looked good onstage, that it was attractive, so I started wearing it all the time.Johnny Cash
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.ZZ Top
Yeah, it's a short chapter, but what can I say? I think of this as both a primer to get the pump moving again and let folks know that this tale is still alive.
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Welcome to Equestria! Would you like to start a new save file? (Y/N)
Welcome to Equestria! Would you like to start a new save file? (Y/N)
[Several minutes earlier in Equestria]
With a loud pop, a rainbow-colored portal opened a few feet above the lush grass of the plains just southwest of the Crystal Mountains and spat out its two passengers. Nathaniel landed rather roughly, hyperventilating the entire trip from portal to ground. Discord was too busy laughing to notice as he drifted down like a falling leaf while reclining.
“That was wonderful!” Discord exclaimed after pausing in his mirth. “You humans have the most delightfully twisted sense of humor at times; I swear I should have been given domain over Earth, I think I would have fit right in!” His t-shirt declared ‘I Heart Humans’ in a display of dazzling light-emitting diodes.
In between gasps, Nathaniel tried to recover his breath. “I’ll never…look at…G.I. Joe the…same way…again.”
Discord looked over at his pet hero and adjusted his chef’s hat. “Why’s that Natey? Hungry for some pork chop sandwiches ?” He then burst into another fit of laughter while pulling the sandwiches in question out from under his hat and tossing them at Nathaniel.
“It’s different when you’re just watching the video rather than having to actually be there in person,” Nathan grumbled, still calming down from the surreal experience and bating away the overcooked missiles with one hand. “Anyway, where are we on the great planet of Pony World now? Everything looks about as colorful as I expected, given your rather disgusted description. Does Rainbow Brite know this is where all her missing colors are?”
Discord raised an eyebrow and his deft handling of the mini-crane was rather impressive while he did it. “Do I even want to know how you managed to pull that ancient reference out?”
“Internet,” was Nathaniel’s only reply.
Discord snorted while waving a paw dismissively. “I should have known. After all, they are doing a live action movie based off of ‘Jem and the Holograms ’ back in your world.”
Nathaniel flinched as if struck. “Okay, I officially miss Earth a little less now. Anyway, what’s the plan? I don’t see the usual starting town nearby.”
“First things first eager beaver: Welcome to Equestria! I’ll be your host with the most, the Sultan of Spin, the Dastardly but Dashing Discord! Today on the first day of your adventure you get some starting gear. Isn’t this exciting?” After clapping his claw and paw together excitedly, he strapped a party hat on Nathaniel’s head and with a flourish of his mismatched limbs he discharged bursts of confetti from his underarms complete with party horn sound effects. “If you’ll examine your left wrist, you will find the first bit of magic granted by choosing Discord Travel Services . Our motto is: if you don’t ask, we won’t tell!”
Nathaniel lifted his left arm up to see what all the fuss was about and almost squeed with glee. Strapped to his arm was an honest to goodness Pip-Boy. The screen and knobs all looked brand new and the rest of the device seemed to be in factory fresh shape, especially the gold finish… “Wait a moment; this is…the Pimp-Boy 3 Billion. Okay, I can deal with this I guess… I mean, it’s still a bloody Pip-Boy.”
Discord chuckled at the young man with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. “Before the two of you run away to elope, I need to tell you something about that device. Some of the more…powerful features are currently disabled: such as the hammer-space storage ability, the assisted targeting application, and the so-called ‘fast travel’ program. These functions may become available when you are considered experienced or powerful enough and earn them in whatever manner the ‘Game Master’ decides; rules and all that,” his contempt for having to play with any restrictions seemed to irritate him. “Still, you have to admit; it has some potent functionality, like…telling time and a nifty flashlight. More importantly however, the data log, quest manager, and map functions are still working as well as the heads-up display.” He nonchalantly sipped some kind of hot liquid from a Vault-Tec coffee cup and then seemed to mug with a forced pose, as if for a hidden camera.
Sure enough, as soon as they stopped talking the Pimp-Boy finished booting and the familiar HUD of Fallout fame was superimposed onto Nathaniel’s field of vision, seeming to float just on the edges of his sight. “Trippy,” was all he managed to whisper before he began fiddling with the dials and knobs on his wrist device. Soon a short disco jingle played for all to hear as he accessed different menus and checked his status. “Heh, so it seems I’m a level one Student and my current Subclass is None. Subclass? I wonder what that is. My Skills page is some kind of mystery as well, because while it seems a bunch are listed here they are greyed-out so I can’t read any of them right now.” Nathaniel fiddled with some more dials. “Huh, it seems my stats aren’t based on the S.P.E.C.I.A.L system, like Fallout. In fact, my stats aren’t accessible at all. Lemme guess, rules?”
Discord peeked out from behind a classic Dungeons and Dragons folding-tabletop shield. “Well, it’s rather hard to quantify the real growth of living creatures with simple numbers; something that I bet makes Progress rather antsy. Just treat your ‘stats’ or whatever like you would treat your real body; you learn something new, you’ll be a little smarter or practice running and you’ll be faster, and so on. Anyway, let’s continue with the remainder of your gear. You get a basic backpack and your weapon and armor, just simple starting gear I’m afraid but I did my best to say, spice it up, as it were.”
Nathaniel took the floating backpack, complete with cutesy kitten motif and opened it up to peer inside. He pulled out a long black stick with a taped up handle which according to his HUD was labeled as a Cypress Hill Stick , the flavor text proffering a plus one to Membrane, whatever that meant. “Really man? Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all day…” He hooked the stick to his belt and reached into the bag for his supposed armor, only to withdraw a rather plush and baby blue terrycloth robe. “And this must be my ‘Cloth Armor ’. Okay, I’m not even going to bitch about the robe, it’s pretty swanky,” he said before donning the robe over his blue jeans and t-shirt and tying it shut. “I really do look like a pimp now. I’ll be sure to ask the first monster I see ‘where my money at’ before I whack it with my stick to complete the ensemble.”
Discord seemed like he was about to comment when he paused and then grinned. “One moment, it seems we have company coming!” Sure enough, a few seconds later another Discord appeared in a cloud of pencils of all things. “Ah, how I’ve missed me!”
“Um, Discord, why are there two of you? Or is this your pal Evolution’s doing?” Nathaniel asked with a wary look between the two of them.
The two Discords embraced in what Nathan considered a very Eastern Bloc manner, complete with stiff movements and a pair of cheek kisses. “Oh don’t worry my boy; I love me too much to do anything harmful to myself. No, I had split off a part of my essence to go wandering the multiverse looking for a ~~sucker~~- I mean for a gentleman of your stature when I figured out that Progress had turned his attentions back to Equus. I couldn’t just disappear completely however, it would draw unwanted attention.”
The New Discord pulled out an Oscar and with a teary expression seemed to be thanking an invisible audience. “Oh thank you, all of you! Fooling Celestia may have been my greatest act yet! It’s a shame they would never celebrate my accomplishments despite them all being for the good of this world.” With that, New Discord tossed the Oscar away where it picked itself up off the ground from a rough tumble and ran off after making a few rude gestures at the Draconequus.
Nathan turned back to the two Discords in time to see them lined up side by side, both facing him. They began a strange chant coupled with a weird, synchronized dance and ended up leaning far enough over that the fingertips of both hands touched their partner’s while their hands were raised high above their heads. “–sion HA !” they both shouted. After a blinding flash of light, instead of the Discord twins there stood a rather impressive looking Avatar of Chaos. His muscles were quite defined but his frame remained lean and he seemed even taller. His expression brimmed full of grim determination and the hair on his head had a stylized look. Nathaniel guessed this is what Discord would look like if Akira Toriyama were creating a shōnen version of the Tales of Equestria . After a few heartbeats, the cardboard cutout of Neo Discord was pushed over from behind and landed with an anticlimactic slap to reveal a single but far more familiar Draconequus who was wearing a rather fetching vest tailored in a deep crimson.
“There, now I feel complete again. Though I also suddenly crave a cigarette… Oh, since I’ll need to return to Canterlot soon and report to ol’ Morning Horn, I’ll leave the pocket-sized version of myself with you as your guide.” With that, Discord pulled out a chain of handkerchiefs all tied together from his vest pocket until he had an impressive mess of them. He proceeded to blow his nose into the wad of cloth with a foghorn accompaniment and giving a flourish of his lion’s mitt over the bundle he snapped his paw and tossed the mess into the air where it sparkled into a small creature that looked like a cross between a tiny horse and a fairy. “Awww, isn’t it adorable!” Discord cooed.
“I swear, if you buzz around my head screaming ‘Hey, listen’ I’m going to bury you in a jar full of Fire ants…” Nathaniel stated deadpan.
“Little Dissy” responded in a smooth voice that would have made Isaac Hayes jealous. “Don’t be a square daddy-o. Situations set up for comedic timing should be handled delicately, mmm like a woman…or a soufflé.” The decidedly female-looking fairy fluttered around Nathaniel’s head humming Barry White tunes.
“Being a hero shouldn’t be this exhausting,” Nathan moaned. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later Discord?” he asked, as if he might actually miss the bastard.
Discord grinned warmly. “You know, you might actually be my second friend…or maybe my first bad friend. Fear not young trooper, I shall check up on you soon. In the meantime, listen to your guide. He’s not as powerful as I am but he has enough smarts to know how best to help you. If you check your quests, you should now have one pointing you to the Plain’s Moot , sort of traveling bazaar comprised of various wagons and tents that wanders the northern lands this time of year. It’s open to all races, so you shouldn’t garner too much attention and if you do just say you’re from far away.” Discord reached into his vest he pulled out a pamphlet entitled, ‘The Equestrian Survivor’s Guide ’ and tossed it to Nathaniel. With an overly dramatic bow, he disappeared in a puff of white smoke that smelled of coconuts and exclaimed, “Take care Nathan! Don’t die!”
“Great, that wasn’t ominous or anything,” Nathaniel grumbled. He looked at his fairy companion and checked what direction his HUD was pointing him in. As he turned to start walking however, he spotted a small mound of dirt begin to rise out of the earth in front of him before bursting upwards in a spray of soil. Exiting the new mound was a tan rat-thing, having a rounder head and a stubby tail. It appeared to be about the size of a large housecat. Seeming to glare hatred at Nathan with its beady glowing-red eyes, it began to coil itself into a pouncing position while weaving side to side.
Music began to play from somewhere.
The fairy-horse flew up several feet above Nathan’s head. “Ah hell naw! That’s a Prairie Rat! It’ll attack things up to three times its size for tresspassin’ or while huntin’ and they usually fight to the death. Your cracka’ ass be lucky though, ‘cause this one be all alone. Mess ‘em up before more find us!” the flutter-pony advised in her smooth and silky bass.
Wasting no time, Nathaniel drew his stick and held it in a reverse-grip, much like Dean Stark’s usual combat style, which he experienced during his most recent adventure. Nathan poised on the balls of his feet waiting for the rodent to make the first move. As soon at the rat launched itself at Nathan’s head, the boy quickly leaned forward at an extreme angle and brought his right elbow around perpendicular to the ground screaming, “Where my money at!” resulting in the cypress stick striking the beast right in the snout and smashing it to the ground like a spiked volleyball, allowing Nathaniel to step back and survey the damage. The beast flopped back onto its stubby legs and shook a spray of bloody droplets from his possibly broken muzzle as it righted itself to charge again.
It feinted left and then quickly dashed for Nathaniel’s ankles, but the man’s robe provided excellent cover for the surprise kick that caught the beast in its ear almost knocking it away but not before it reflexively gripped his foot with its sharp claws and tried to bite the offending limb only to gouge the tough leather of his boot and be foiled by the steel toe. Nathaniel lifted his leg high-up and brought it crashing down at lightning speed on the Prairie Rat’s hind legs, dislodging it with a pained squeak. Taking advantage of the squirming critter while it fought to reorient itself, Nathan flipped the stick around and dashed forward with a doubled-handed overhead blow, pulping what remained of the rat-kin’s head and finishing it off for good.
The music faded away without explanation.
“Heh, I still got it,” Nathan said with a slight hitch in his breath. He vaguely noted that some experience had been awarded for the creature’s death but the fight was causing him to experience some rather uncomfortable feelings. Never had the danger felt so real before, even after years of doing something similar as game characters. It dawned on Nathaniel that this time he was the character, no masks or personas to hide behind. If he died here, that would probably be it; death, game over . If he got seriously wounded, he didn’t currently have anyone handy to heal him unless his fairy was hiding that skill. Nathan wanted to shake a bit and maybe leak some liquid feelings from his eyes, but this wasn’t the time or place as there could be more rats around and as a level one solo-artist, that thought was rather scary. He shook it off with a successful ‘bottling-up of feelings’ skill men practice from childhood back home, and pressed on.
“Well, let’s head to the Moot and get some loot. I’m going to need better gear if I’m going to get attacked by everything that creeps and crawls in this world. Oh?” Nathaniel paused when he looked at the corpse again as he noticed a HUD note that informed him the creature could be skinned for crafting materials. Pawing through the backpack, he found a small wooden chest labeled ‘Crafting Tools ’. “Well, how ‘bout that,” he said and opened the chest to find a small skinning knife, a sewing kit, and some various assorted tools he couldn’t place at the moment.
Nathan had some experience with hunting on Filgaia and once the beast was skinned, his Pimp-Boy seemed to magically process the bloody skin into a cured byproduct, ready for transport and awarding him some more experience and a message reading: Skinning Skill has increased! (11) .
“Oh really?” Nathaniel commented. A quick check of his Skills revealed that, sure enough his now one legible skill was Skinning at a level of eleven. “Daddy like. Okay, let’s hit the road, so to speak. If we’re lucky maybe we can get a job or a quest and make some…uh, coin? Damn, I better check the guide while we travel so I don’t sound too much like an idiot when I get there. Come on Chef, let’s go.”
“My name is Daisy Chain boy, and don’t you forget it!” the winged creature yelled in her deep velvet tones.
Nathaniel sighed, “Of course it is…” He would have wondered if the name was on purpose but knowing Discord, it was a foregone conclusion.
Author's Note
Level 1 Student
Updates
Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.Lao Tzu
Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues.Journey
Now you too can enjoy having this stuck in your head all day!
