Tourettes Guy Visits Ponyville
It was a gorgeous and sunny day in Ponyville. Ponies merrily walked around the town to buy their groceries or meet other ponies and relax in the sunshine. Everypony thought that this day would be ordinary and like any other, but they were wrong.
A human had somehow found their way into Equestria. He stood at the entrance to Ponyville and looked onwards. He had a large build and was quite short. He looked to be around thirty, with lots of stubble around his face from a shaven beard and moustache combo; he wore glasses on his pudgey face. He was lacking hair on the top of his head. Around the side, above the ears, lay some fluffy grey hair. He wore a large blue shirt with simply the face of Tony the Tiger on it and beige shorts. Embracing his neck was a large, white, foam brace.
"WHERE THE FUCK AM I?" he shouted angrily.
Just after he yelled this, a purple unicorn pony trotted past wearing brown saddlebags. Her hair was a darker shade of purple with a pink streak and she had a pink star on her flank. She walked up to the man.
"Hello, sir. It's rare that we get a human in Equestria. What brings you here?" she asked innocently.
"What the FUCK?" the man shouted, "are you a unicorn?"
"Erm..aside from the language, yes indeed. My name is Twilight Sparkle. What's yours?" she asked.
"My name's Danny. Know where I can get any SHIT around here?" Danny replied.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Oh DAMMIT. SORRY! I meant do you have any booze? I'm so hungry, I could eat a SHIT!"
"Sorry, Danny, we ponies don't drink alcohol."
"What?! FUCK YOU!" Danny shouted, walking off without another word to Twilight.
"I've gotta inform Celestia...otherwise we could be in a load of shi-," Twilight coughed and corrected herself, "trouble."
***
Danny stumbled around the town, looking for a place he could get a good drink. He saw a stand filled with apples and a tanker at the side. A blonde pony with an orange coat, brown hat and apples on her flank was stood in front. Danny approached the pony.
"What's this SHIT?" he asked, pointing at the tank.
"Why, sir, that'll be our one-of-a-kind Sweet Apple Acres cider! Care fer a free cup?" the pony replied.
"Whatever," Danny grunted.
The pony gave him a confused look, then shook her head and carried a small cup over to the tank with her hoof. She nudged a lever with her head and it poured out a smooth, light-brown liquid which quickly filled up the cup. She turned off the tank and handed it to Danny.
"Enjoy!" she said with a smile.
"Gee, thanks," Danny replied graciously.
He took one sip of the cider and immediatley spat it out, throwing the cup at the pony.
"THERE'S NO ALCOHOL IN THIS! IT TASTED LIKE JAY LENO TOOK A SHIT, ATE IT AND PUKED IT UP!"
"Jay who? Wait, sir, ponies don't drink alcohol! Ah think y'all have been very disrespectful t'wards me. Please leave mah stand."
"FUCK YOU!" Danny shouted, storming off in a waddle.
***
Fluttershy was in her cottage, calmly and quietly dusting shelves. Then there was a loud crash as the front door slammed open. She screamed and turned around to see Danny holding onto the doorframe where the door once stood.
"Ohhhhh SHIT!" he yelled, Fluttershy recoiled at his voice, "SORRY!"
Fluttershy stepped towards him slowly, "are you okay? It's not every day we get a human in Equestria..."
"That's exactly what that purple faggot said to me," he recalled, "she was a bitch."
"Do you mean Twilight?" Fluttershy whimpered.
"Yeah! She's an ass!"
"Um...no...she's a unicorn. And I'm a pegasus. Neither of us are donkeys."
Danny looked at her dead on in the eye. Her pupils dilated and she crept back.
"You don't know SHIT! Fuck you!" he shouted, walking off back to Ponyville.
Fluttershy was hurt by this comment and she began to cry, wondering what he was doing there in the first place.
***
Danny found himself sitting at a park bench, unable to bare the thought of a world without alcohol A green unicorn walked up to him and stared in amazement.
"The fuck are you looking at?" he grumbled.
"Are you a human?"
"Yeah."
"I'm Lyra!"
"I don't even know who the fuck that is, and I'm sure if I gave a shit, I STILL WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT!" he shouted.
Lyra gasped at his appauling language and a tear built up in her eye. She had always wanted to meet a human but this was not what she expected.
"Are all humans like this?"
"EVERY HUMAN I EVER MET IS A DICK!" Danny yelled.
Lyra balled her eyes out and galloped away.
"Aw shit," Danny sighed, "fuck my ass."
***
Twilight walked towards Fluttershy's cottage, she heard loud sobbing from there are immediatley went to see what the problem was. She noticed the door was on the floor and Fluttershy was lying down in a puddle of her own tears.
"Fluttershy! What happened?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, Twilight, it was horrible!" Fluttershy sniffed. She stood up to talk to the unicorn, "a human barged in and said some nasty words!"
"Danny!" Twilight said, "he's been horrible to me too. I'm going to Celestia to see if we can send him back to his world."
Fluttershy perked up, "can I come with you? I want to see the look on his face when Celestia scolds him!"
"Of course!" Twilight laughed.
"How are we going to get him to Canterlot, Twilight? I doubt he would just let us go on a walk with him," Fluttershy sighed.
"I think I might have an idea," Twilight replied, grinning sneakily.
"Why, o' course I'd be willin' to do it, Twi," Applejack said, grinding her teeth, "that varmit done insulted mah business!"
"So, just to recap, the plan is that we lure Danny to a trap using an alcoholic drink or two," Twilight explained.
"But Twilight, ponies don't drink alcohol...where are we going to get a bottle?" Fluttershy asked.
"Why, Fluttershy, y'all are a little misinformed. Don'cha know the only pony in town who drinks? And Twi, don't go around usin' understatements like that. This pony ain't one to have a drink or two lyin' around." Applejack smirked.
Fluttershy and Twilight stared blankly at Applejack, then to each other. Applejack trotted off and signaled for them to follow, so they did. She led them to a stone-walled inn with a sign depicting a goblet with frothing liquid inside. Opening the door revealed that the building was dark, dusty and damp and only two ponies were inside. One sat on her backhooves on a stool with a mug infront of her and another stood behind a counter, a stallion.
"Close that door," the stallion said with an old British accent, "we don't want no light in my pub."
"Sorry, pardner," Applejack chuckled, closing the door behind a terrified and clausterphobic Fluttershy.
"Applejack! It's been a while! What brings you to Frothy's Pub?" asked Frothy, brother of Salty of Appleloosa.
Fixed on the ceiling was the only working light in the pub which gave an edge of light to the gloomy bar. Frothy walked under it to reveal himself. A pale brown unicorn with baggy golden eyes and dirty, long grey hair. The bottom of his muzzle was covered with stubble and his grey, bushy eyebrows took up most of his forehead. His cutie mark was a mug with froth spilling over the side.
"We ain't here to see you, I'm afraid," Applejack laughed.
Her face then grew serious, "Berry Punch," she snapped.
The other pony slowly turned around, her mug now attached to her hoof, "wassat?"
"We need yer help," the orange pony said.
"I don't got no money," Berry Punch hiccuped.
"We don't need money, but we're taking you home," Twilight smiled.
"Do you want me to call a taxi?" Frothy asked.
"Nah, Berry should be sober enough to tell us where she lives at least," Applejack sighed.
***
Danny was walking down the middle of Ponyville, ponies looking in horror as he waddled in a straight line down the path. Every step he took he swore loudly, saying new words even some of the most outgoing ponies had never heard before. A confused Apple Bloom slowly trotted up to the fat man.
"Are y'all okay? Yer usin' some right fancy words there," she worried.
"I stepped on a fucking pebble and now it feels like my foot was fucked by a- for the greater good of anybody reading this, the rest of Danny's statement has been censored by the author. Sorry for the inconvience."
Everypony in the square gasped and trotted away mumbling. Most audible was Carrot Top, "well, I never."
Danny looked around at the empty square, "fuck. C'mon guys! You bunch of DICKS!"
Danny took another sweep of his neckbrace-wrapped neck and his eyes widened at a sight not too far away.
"BOOZE!" he cried with joy.
He slowly made his way to a large crate labeled "Flim & Flam Sure-As-Tartarus Alcoholic Top-Of-The-Line No.1 Export Alcholic 60% Alcohol Two-Swigs-And-You're-Down Cider" But on his way there, he fell down through the ground, which collapsed beneath him into a ponymade pit. He fell right on his back.
"OH- for the greater good of anybody reading this, the rest of Danny's statement has been censored by the author. Sorry for the inconvience. Honestly, if you were to see what Danny actually said here, your eyes would probably melt. If you hear it, then may Celestia have mercy on your ears."
Applejack, Twilight and Fluttershy stepped towards the hole, where Danny was flailing on his back trying to get back up, swearing with every breath. The three chuckled. Twilight used her magic to pull a rope which sent Danny flying upwards in a strong net tied to a tree. His unrepeatable threats and insults of the ponies filled the air of Ponyville. Berry Punch affectionatley embraced the crate of cider with her tongue sticking out of her wavy mouth.
"Thanks fer lending the cider, Berry Punch!" Applejack said.
"You ain't getting none of this without a fight!" she replied in drunken anger, falling over.
The three stared at her with confusion, then took the net from the tree with struggle to bring Danny back to his world.
At Canterlot Castle, in the main hall, Celestia stood ready to return the handcuffed Danny to his own dimension. She raised herself and focused magic in her horn, then aimed it at Danny.
"Danny, you have shamed our kingdom and our people. I am returning you to your own land as punishment," she said seriously.
"Fuck. Wait...I'm going home?" Danny replied.
"Yes."
"HURRY IT UP THEN, YOU BITCH!"
Celestia gasped and focused more magic in her horn, then shot a blast at Danny. There was a blinding white flash which took a while to dissapear. When it did, Danny should have been gone.
But he wasn't.
"Aw fuck. Looks like I gotta stay here with all these faggots." Danny sighed.
A Very Tourettes Christmas (Narrated by Zecora)
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Tourettes Guy Visits Ponyville
A Very Tourettes Christmas (Narrated by Zecora)
Everypony in Ponyville liked Hearths Warming Eve a lot,
but Tourretes Guy in Canterlot, oh he did not!
Now Danny hated Hearths Warming! The whole festive season!
Now, please don't ask why. He'll just shout the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his neck brace was too tight,
It could be his alcohol fix that wasn't supplied quite right.
But I think the reason why is not a missing cuba libra,
so sit back, relax, and listen to this zebra.
It was a holly and jolly time in Canterlot town,
the streets were erupting with business up and down,
everypony was smiling, there was not one frown.
But in the large castle where lies Equestria's numen,
also stays one creature; a perculiar human.
Six months it has been since Danny arrived,
and now he's kept in the castle, so he has survived.
He hates it here, it's too colourful and nice,
but he can't return to his world so he has to pay the price.
In light of the season, Celestia came,
down to his room where he sits in shame.
She said he could go out to Canterlot for Hearths Eve Warming,
though if he does something bad, it's his final warning.
Being cooped up in a castle for six months was not good for Danny,
he was finally glad to be set free; his happiness uncanny.
So he walked out the door into busy Canterlot,
looking at the ponies with sorrow, hating the way they trot.
Danny walked through the town, trying to behave,
ignoring all the ponies and the stares they gave.
He looked into shops, there was nothing appealing,
this was so pointless to him; no joy was he feeling.
Then he looked into an alley, ominous and dark,
and saw a strange shop; it's mysteriousness stark.
He went in and the bell on door rang,
Danny was surprised by the ding, dong and clang.
Then he heart hoofsteps approaching the till,
there was a strange pony, smiling, stood still.
He examined Danny with a forward eye,
then said to the human, "Yes, hello, hi!"
Danny looked back at this bearded bloke,
who was puffing on a pipe and exhaling smoke.
This pony could sense something bad in him, Danny had greed,
he said to the human, "what do you need?"
Danny looked around and saw at the back,
six cans of beer, grouped together in pack,
he said to the pony "gimmie that!"
The pony looked behind to see what he'd find,
he found the six beer cans, his one of a kind.
He turned back to Danny and told him he could not sell this brew,
Danny slammed on the counter and shouted back "FUCK YOU!"
The salespony sighed and only shook his head,
then tried to offer other objects to Danny instead.
Danny refused and refused each one,
the beer is what he wanted; everything else he'd shun.
This was not any ordinary beer, Danny did not know,
the salespony was getting angry with him now and so,
he sold him the beer not feeling coerced,
then shouted to Danny as he left "that beer is cursed!"
Danny laughed as he walked right out the door,
then immidatley sat down and started drinking on the floor.
He finished all six beers with an incredible burp,
then stood up and stumbled out to the curb.
He waddled and swaggered back to the castle,
getting back to his room was one mighty hassle.
He got there eventually and fell onto the bed,
drunken, head pounding, feeling like he was dead.
He woke up later, with not a hangover lingering,
all he could hear was music, laughter, chatter and singing.
He jumped out of bed and slammed onto the floor,
then started to make his way towards the door.
But then he looked around and noticed something odd,
he was sort of crawling, walking on quads.
He looked down and cried out, swearing to his luck,
he had hooves now, "WHAT THE FUCK?"
He quickly trotted towards the nearest mirror,
and as he got closer his image got clearer.
He was no longer a human, his shape had changed,
Danny was now an earth pony, he thought it was derranged!
"I'm one of those sissies now!" he could only cry,
"I don't wanna be dumbass horse!" to himself he replied.
He studied his reflection and saw his coat was cream,
he had a small amount of grey hair, not a tail to be seen.
He looked on his flank; and saw it was bare.
He was glad, "not a bastard mark there."
He looked at the door again and followed the sound,
of the chatter, music and laughter that he heard all around.
He trotted upstairs and before his eyes,
hundreds of ponies; all of which he despised.
Celestia looked and saw him and gasped,
she galloped towards Danny and asked,
"What happened to you? What have you done?"
"I drank some fucked up beer, and now I look dumb!"
Celestia told him to stay here and behave,
he was at the Grand Galloping Gala, to disobey her would be brave.
Danny just notted and let out a sigh,
Celestia trotted off without saying bye.
Danny looked around, everything looked boring,
if he stayed around for too long he'd be alseep and boring.
But wait! This was a party! There must be booze!
Danny would rather find it than take a snooze.
He trotted around to see what he could find,
being offered fancy hors d'oeuvres which he rudely declined.
"FUCK OFF, GET LOST, I DON'T NEED YOUR FANCY SHIT!"
The posh ponies were not impressed, not one bit.
As he made his way through the halls he got many angry stares,
Danny didn't know what he'd done to upset the stallions and mares.
Then he found the band and oh how they hurt his ears,
he didn't know who they were either, they certainly weren't his peers.
He trotted to the band and stared at the grey fellow,
then bellowed to the pony next to him "WHO'S THE FAGGOT WITH THE CHELLO?"
The pony audibly guffawed and gave Danny a mean look,
"Why that's Octavia you bumbling brook!"
"I don't know who the fuck she is but fuck her! Fuck her hard!"
Said Danny angrily, leaving the ponies mentally scarred.
Then Danny heard a voice, one he thought he'd never hear again,
this was a voice he hated, one that his bane.
"Dad! Dad! Oh my God, I've found you!"
Rung the voice of his son from out of the blue.
Danny couldn't see him amongst the large pony crowds,
but he could hear where the boy was speaking from, of that he wasn't proud.
"WHADDA YOU WANT, ASSHOLE?" Danny angrily shouted.
"I know how to get you home!" his son's voice happily touted.
"WHAT? YOU DO! THEN TAKE ME THERE NOW!"
Danny barged through the crowds, knocking them all down.
He looked right ahead and saw a huge portal,
it was shrinking however, he had to jump in before it became a morsel.
Danny trotted as fast as he could. To get home would be sweet,
suddenly he felt that he was running on two feet.
The curse had worn off and Danny was human again,
he jumped in the portal just in time and then...
Danny sat on the couch and sighed loudly. What he'd been through just now was wild and random and he could've sworn he was thinking of rhymes every other second. His son from the kitchen asked him if there was anything he wanted.
"YEAH! Get me a beer," he shouted.
"What?" his son replied, not being able to fully hear him.
"OH FOR FUCK SAKE! I'VE BEEN IN A WORLD WITH PONY FAGGOTS FOR 3 MONTHS WITHOUT ANY PROPER BOOZE AND I ASK FOR A SIMPLE FUCKING BEER AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT? YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!"
Danny sighed again as his son apologised. Then he felt something poke him and looked beside him.
Sat there was Berry Punch and she asked, "can I have one too?"
Danny took a deep breath.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!
