You Don't Want HIS Help...
Chapter 1: Enough is Enough
"OW!!" Apple Bloom yelped as she sat down at her desk. Rubbing her flank, she pulled a thumbtack out from underneath. She turned to glare at the giggling culprits "Real funny, Diamond Tiara. Did you come up with that one all by yourself?"
"Well, I just thought ponies could use some assistance in locating your blank flank, so I thought I'd pinpoint it for them!" Diamond laughed causing Apple Bloom to become even more irritated.
"Why, I oughta..." she growled, but Sweetie Belle reached out to stop her "No, Apple Bloom! Remember what your sister said? If you get into trouble again, you can't go candy collecting with us!"
"Dang it, you're right...but I don't want to let them get away with it again!"
"She's right, it's really not worth it, Bloom." Scootaloo agreed. Smirking, Diamond went to open her mouth again, but Miss Cheerilee came back into the room before she could speak.
"Alright, my little ponies, listen closely. As you all know, the big Nightmare Night celebration is coming up this Friday. We will be having a little celebration of our own in class that day..." she smiled and waited for the class to finish cheering "...and I wanted to go over a few details. First, you can wear your costumes to school if you wish. Second, Princess Twilight will be coming to visit us for the afternoon..."
"This is getting better and better, you guys!" Apple Bloom said excitedly.
"So, show up in your costumes and make sure you bring something sweet to share with your classmates!" Cheerilee finished, just as the bell rang.
"Remember, class, you have three days to prepare! I'll see you all tomorrow." The class filed out of the room, the Cutie Mark Crusaders taking the lead in an instant.
"Alright, so how do you propose we get those two back on Friday?" Apple Bloom said, causing Sweetie Belle to groan and Scootaloo to do a facehoof.
"I can't believe you're so hung up on this. It was just a tack on your seat." Scootaloo said. Apple Bloom shook her head "First it's the tack on the chair, next thing you know we'll be constantly bombarded with fake spiders and the like!"
"Ugh, I REALLY don't like the sound of that..." Sweetie's lip wobbled in fear "You know what...I'm with Apple Bloom on this one. Those two are going to go way too far."
"Exactly. We need to pull off something incredible. And I think I know just the pony to help us out with this..."
***
"Hmmm....so a plot of revenge is what you seek. And you want it by the end of the week?" Zecora rubbed her chin thoughtfully. The CMC were sitting around her table, cups of tea before them.
"Exactly!" Scootaloo said "Something like Poison Joke, or a funky kind of potion! Can you do that, huh?"
Zecora chuckled "Alas, those methods are too extreme. However, I know how to make them scream."
The zebra made her way over to a cluttered bookshelf, where she began to peruse the various titles. After a moment, she pulled out a large, dusty old tome.
"Inside this book are beings of lore. Summon one, you are bullied no more." Zecora slid the book over to the three fillies. Apple Bloom read the title out loud.
"Pranks and Poltergeists: A Mischief-Maker's Directory," Apple Bloom looked at her friends, confused "Whaddaya suppose it means?"
"I don't know. Sounds like a dictionary or something boring like that." Scootaloo yawned. Zecora shook her head "This book is full of helpful ghosts, who will gladly fix what ails you most."
"Oh! So it's like a prank service, then?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"You are correct, correct indeed. I think you'll find the help you'll need." Zecora left the book with them and went over to do something in the kitchen.
"Wow, this is really cool! All we have to do is summon one of these ghosts, and they'll help us get back at those two jerks!" Apple Bloom said excitedly. She began to flip through the book "Lessee...oh, here's one! Peeves..." she mused.
"No, he seems kind of violent. Remember, we don't want to hurt them, just teach them a lesson." Sweetie reminded her friend. She flipped a couple of pages "I like the look of this Bail Witch. She would give them the biggest scare of their lives!"
"Woah...did you actually read about what she's done, first? Jeez, we don't want to traumatize these guys." Scootaloo said. She took the book and began flipping, then she stopped "This one's perfect!"
"Let's see..." Apple Bloom began to read the ad out loud "Got a problem with a pest? Call Be...Bet...how do you say his name?"
"I...think it says 'Beetlejuice'." Sweetie Belle said, then recoiled in disgust "Ew, seriously? What if he's a giant bug?"
"Oh, calm down. It says he's a Bio-Exorcist...that's like an exterminator, right? Somebody who gets rid of annoying pests?" Scootaloo retorted.
"You're right. All we have to do is say his name three times." Apple Bloom mused. She paused for a moment, then looked at her friends "What do you guys think? Should we call him?"
"It wouldn't hurt. Besides, it seems easy enough. Sweetie? What do you think?"
Sweetie Belle sighed "You know, I'm just as sick of those guys picking on us all the time as you two are. Let's do it!"
"Okay...here goes." Apple Bloom took a deep breath "Beetlej-"
"STOP!!!" Zecora yelled, slamming the book shut "Whether the sun is bright or going dim, NEVER think of calling him!"
"What? What's so bad about Beet-MMMrrmph!!!" Sweetie Belle got a hoof in the mouth.
"While some ghosts here are helpful and kind, this one has twisted things in mind." Zecora took the book back over to the shelf.
"Did you have some sort of bad experience with him?" Scootaloo asked, keeping an eye on Sweetie Belle so that she didn't slip up again.
Zecora sighed "Alas, I must honestly say that I was a fool in my younger days. This spirit with the dreaded name, he claims to help but just brings shame."
"What did he do that was so bad?" Apple Bloom asked, sipping her tea "I mean, did he embarrass you, or..."
"Enough of this, the day grows late! Come see me on another date." Zecora seemed extremely upset now. She was muttering to herself. The CMC took the hint and began to rise from the table.
"Um...if you're mad at us, we won't bother you again..." Sweetie said cautiously, the three fillies slowly edging their way to the door. Zecora seemed shocked to hear this.
"How could you think of such a thing? To hate a child would be a sin." Zecora shook her head "Forgive me, I was not myself. But promise you won't ask HIS help." she shuddered at this.
"Okay...if you really want us to do this honestly, we promise we won't summon...it." Scootaloo said. Zecora smiled.
"I'm pleased to hear you've chosen right. But you must head home, for it's nearly night." She walked over and opened the door for the CMC. The girls filed out the door, saying their goodbyes as they did. Once the door closed, however, Apple Bloom turned to the others.
"Ok, we aren't REALLY going to not summon this guy, right? I mean, he's just what we need!"
"Zecora said it was a really bad idea. And if we can't trust her..." Sweetie replied "I say we just go do some harmless pranks and..."
"NO!!!!" Scootaloo said angrily, and her friends jumped "We've been getting pushed around by those two jerks for far too long! I don't care what Zecora says this time!"
"Don't do anything stupid, girl!" Apple Bloom said nervously "Come on, let's just go to Sugarcube Corner for a..."
"Beetlejuice..." Scootaloo began. Sweetie yelped and dove to cover her mouth, but Scootaloo sidestepped and said "Beetlejuice!"
"NOOOOO!!!" Apple Bloom jumped on her friend, and just managed to shut her up "Are you crazy, Scootaloo?! If you say it three times..."
"Actually, it is kind of silly when you think about it." Sweetie Belle mused "I mean, nobody can be summoned just by name alone...unless you're talking about Pinkie Pie."
"You know, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway." Scootaloo grumbled, pushing Apple Bloom off of her.
"Exactly! Besides, what kind of a name is Beetlejuice, anyway?" Sweetie giggled.
"Yeah, I always wondered what the fuck my mother was smoking when she coined that one."
You Don't Want HIS Help...
Chapter 2: The Ghost With the Most
"I mean, seriously! It's like she WANTED to see the shit get kicked outta me, you know?!"
Apple Bloom froze "Um...why are you talking like that, Scootaloo?" she shivered.
"I-I-it's n-not me!" Scootaloo said nervously.
Sweetie was about to reply, when a strong stench hit her nose "Oh, I get it. Your friends are a couple of those 'special' brats I keep hearing about. It'd explain why they haven't noticed that there's a FUCKING DEAD GUY standing right here!"
Turning slowly, Sweetie gasped when she saw the tall, rotting figure before her. It was dressed in a decaying black-and-white striped suit which clashed horribly with its hair, which was greenish-white and unkempt. There were dark circles around its eyes, and it had clearly been a long time since it had brushed its teeth.
"FINALLY!!!! It's nice to get some goddamned recognition around here!!" the corpse said, pulling out what looked like a chewing tobacco tin. He opened it to reveal-
"UGH!!!" Sweetie said, scooting backwards to her friends "WHY do you have a tin of cockroaches in your coat?!"
"Let's see...why is the sky blue? Why did the chicken cross the road...cause they're fucking delicious, is why." He selected one and stuck it between his lip and gums, spitting a stream of juice onto the ground "How about it? You of legal age?" He shook the tin at her.
Sweetie was too disgusted to respond, so Apple Bloom tried to speak "Um...a-are you...Beetleju-" she began, but Beetlejuice quickly slapped a piece of duct tape over her mouth.
"DON'T SAY IT!!!" he roared, then quickly regained himself "Sorry, sorry. I haven't been out of my box in AGES. Not since I hung out with that zebra chick...irritating way of talking, but AWESOME choice of stripes, you know?"
"Um...you mean Zecora?" Apple Bloom asked, trying desperately not to breathe through her nose. Beetlejuice snapped his fingers "That's the one! I knew it sounded like that crappy kids movie..."
"What are you talking about, sir?" Sweetie Belle was really confused.
"Zathura. Which, by the way, ROYALLY sucked. It was basically Jumanji in space. Jumanji was so much more violent. Fun for the whole family!!" He threw back his head and laughed "But back to the matter at hand: You kids summoned me, and for good reason. Now, spill." Beetlejuice sat on an invisible chair and crossed his legs, spitting more juice next to Scootaloo's hoof. Cringing, she moved back.
"Well...we've kinda been getting bullied lately, you see, and..." Apple Bloom began, only to have Beetlejuice hold up his hand.
"Stop before you put me to sleep, kid. You have no idea how many times I've been asked to help with that shit, ok? You coulda summoned Peeves for all I care, stupid fuck that he is..." He stood up and pulled another cockroach out.
"So you won't help us then?" Sweetie Belle asked. Beetlejuice shook his head "Sorry, just don't wanna. Why don't you just-"
"No, that's okay. I guess Peeves WOULD be more qualified..." Scootaloo said nonchalantly, only to have Beetlejuice appear before her, furious.
"NOT FUCKING QUAL-? Okay, sister, you want qualified?! I'll give you qualified!!!"
He suddenly tore his head off and threw it at the three fillies, who shrieked and tried to dodge it. In the process, Apple Bloom fell on her back, and Beetlejuice's decapitated cranium came to a rest on her chest.
"How's that for qualified? I got a resume too if you wanna see that." He wiggled his eyebrows at her, grinning as he did so. Apple Bloom was horrified, too stunned to even scream.
"For the love of Celestia, WHY would you do that?!" Scootaloo yelled, while a few feet away, Sweetie Belle could only stare.
"Cause I can. Wanna toss me over there, be a friend? Thanks." Beetlejuice's body waved at Apple Bloom, who was only too willing to throw the head off of her.
"Well...you're definitely qualified." Sweetie Belle said "But we only wanna scare them, not give them heart attacks!" Meanwhile, Beetlejuice finished reattatching his head.
"Obviously. I'm not a fucking monster, you know, I do have standards. 18 and up? I'm going all out. Kids? No way. I'll make 'em need a change of pants though, no problem."
"They don't usually wear pants, though."
"WHAT?! So you ponies just...wherever you want? That is fucking disgusting!" Beetlejuice said, spitting out more cockroach juice.
"Ok, changing the subject! Will you help us or not?" Scootaloo asked. Beetlejuice nodded "What the hell, I like you kids. You got guts. Literally!" He fell to the ground, convulsing with laughter.
The fillies groaned at the joke "He's worse than Pinkie Pie..." Sweetie said, Apple Bloom nodding "Let's hope they never meet."
"Oh, man...I'm killing myself all over again here..." Beetlejuice stood up "Right! It's SHOWTIME!!!"
***
"Um...I don't mind giving you a ride and all, but was it really necessary to turn into a bug?" Scootaloo asked. From the top of her head, Beetlejuice nodded "Well, duh. Don't want to ruin the surprise, do we?"
"Yeah, but you still have your regular head...and you're striped." Sweetie Belle replied. Beetlejuice laughed "This coming from a unicorn of all things. Well, not like that matters, really. A gig's a gig."
"Yeah...by the way, if we can't say your name, what ARE we allowed to call you?" Apple Bloom asked, to which Beetlejuice shrugged "I don't give a damn, as long as you don't say the other one. We don't want our playtime cut short now, do we?"
"Wait, so saying your name also makes you disappear again? Why?" Sweetie asked, confused.
"'Cause everything happens for a really stupid reason. Long story short, don't say the name."
"Okay then, what if we call you...Mr. B?"
"Meh, I can live with that. But anyway, are we there yet? I gotta take a fucking-"
"Ok, we need to have a talk." Scootaloo stopped abruptly and took Beetlejuice off her head "If you're gonna stay here for a couple days, you gotta watch your mouth, ok? We get in enough trouble as it is, we don't need to get told off cause we're hanging with a potty-mouth!"
"Or what? They'll kill me? Good luck with that!" Beetlejuice shot back "They're welcome to try though, I love seeing the looks on their faces when I get back up. Hell, this one time in France they had me in this guillotine-"
"Right, that does it," Scootaloo said angrily. She took a deep breath "Beetlejui-!"
"OKAY! Let's not get hasty here!" Beetlejuice hovered in front of the trio, waving his forelegs in the air "You wouldn't want little old me to take off before the big performance now, would you?"
"That's what'll happen if you step out of line too many times. We got a deal?" Apple Bloom said defiantly. She then jumped back, for Beetlejuice had suddenly zoomed into her face, changing back into his regular form as he did.
"Well, I'll make YOU a deal, dearie: I get to say and do whatever I damn well please, or else I'll go tell your zebra pal that you summoned me anyway." Beetlejuice glared darkly, shaking with rage.
This made the Cutie Mark Crusaders give a collective gasp "H-how did you know about that?" Sweetie Belle stammered.
"Same way that I know that you knocked green paint all over a fancy dress that your sister was working on last week. If I remember correctly, you blamed the cat and it got put in the basement for the night." Beetlejuice grinned horribly "Trust me, I know EVERYTHING..."
"You wouldn't!" Sweetie's lip wobbled, she was cleary terrified. Beetlejuice glared harder and snarled "Just fucking try me. I could ruin the rest of your life if I wanted to, so DON'T EVER THREATEN ME AGAIN!!!!"
Transforming into an insect once again, he flew back onto Scootaloo's head, the young Pegasus clearly shaken from the sudden outburst "Well, are you gonna carry me or what?"
"Ugh...FINE." Scootalo gathered herself together as the bio-exorcist settled back into her mane "But we're gonna need a place to keep you hidden until Friday."
"Whatever. As long as I don't gotta bunk with anymore dead famous people. You try living with Nixon...'I'm innocent! I'm not a crook!', he says. I mean, he just goes on and on and..."
"This is gonna be a loooong three days, girls." Apple Bloom groaned.