Discord's Lamp Repository

Celestia sat on her bed, the curtains of her four post bed drawn closed. Papers and blueprints lay strewn around her. Her form of payment for her lamp was complicated. It required precision, secrecy, and a lot of cake. She knew Discord well enough to know that something like leaving her bed unmade was not chaotic enough. She had to go big, or she could forget it.

A piece of chocolate cake was shoved into her mouth as she drew a catapult symbol on the parchment. Celestia chewed thoughtfully, until she finally added a few more things to her list of things to get from the armory. She would need to wait until Luna was busy tending to the dreams their subjects before she sneaked into armory. Risking Luna’s knowledge of her plans was unacceptable. Tomorrow, it would be a very busy day for her sister.

Luna trotted down the hallway to her room. She had just finished up breakfast, alone. Normally Celestia and her dined together, but her sister had been absent. Luna chalked it up to having some very important business to tend to.

Well, she wasn’t wrong…

The door to her bedroom swung open as she released her magic from the handle. Her room was pitch black, the curtains drawn shut to block out all light. She yawned as she made her way to her bed. It had been a very busy night and she was looking forward to some quality sleep.

Luna undressed, deep in thought, discarding her shoes, crown, and yolk on the floor. She didn’t much care to hang them at the moment and she had a lot on her mind. Another yawn escaped her as she crawled into bed. She smiled as her head hit the down-filled pillow. Sleep quickly overtook her, but right as she was about to enter the dreamworld, the smell of smoke jarred her awake. Her curtains were on fire!

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?” Luna roared in the Royal Canterlot voice. She sprang from bed and quickly doused the curtains with a spell. All that remained of her precious curtains were a few shards of singed fabric.

“Oh, whomever is responsible for this shall pay dearly,” she mumbled to herself, a flicker of something wild in her eyes. “I shall track them down after I have taken a nap. But tis too bright in here for us to sleep. I shall have to improvise.”

She walked to her closet and made her way inside. Luna had never cared much for fashion, so her huge closet was mostly bare. She closed the door behind her and made her way over to a large cushion on the floor near the back. When Celestia and her where fillies they would often have campouts in their closets. Luna could never bring herself to remove the cushion from its sacred place.

A few turns around in a circle and she laid on the cushion. A sigh escaped her as she tried to relax.

SPROING!!!

Luna was launched through the ceiling and three more floors as the giant spring under the cushion was tripped. Legend says that if you listen closely enough on calm, still mornings, Luna’s screams can still be heard to this day.

The Lunar Princess’s coat was white with dust and debris. She rose from the rubble, fire in her eyes. “CELESTIA! IT. IS. ON!” she roared.

Meanwhile…

Discord sat in the back of his store in a large red movie theater chair. He wore 3D glasses and was catching bits of popcorn in his mouth as he flicked them in the air. A live feed of what was happening to Luna was projected onto a screen in front of him. He watched as Luna was launched upwards and disappeared from view. Discord promptly spit soda through his nose as he started laughing.

“Oh Tia, that was priceless! I can’t wait to see what you have planned next,” he said to himself.

Back at the castle…

Celestia teleported out of Luna’s closet to her next location: the armory. She was wearing an all black catsuit and a pair of night vision goggles. Her mane fought to free itself from the large number of hair ties and and bobby pins that were keeping it out of her face.

“CELESTIA! IT. IS. ON!”

Celestia cursed under her breath. The armory was on the other side of the Canterlot Castle grounds. The fact that she heard Luna at this distance and through all the walls in between meant that she didn’t have much time. She quickly cast the spell Discord showed her on the room. It allowed the live feed that Discord was watching. She was currently maintaining so many spells that she had to cancel the two in Luna’s bedroom so she could cast it. Finished, she flew into the rafters and hid herself.

Back with Luna…

Thoughts raced through Luna’s head. She knew it had to be here sister’s doing, flinging her from her bedroom closet like that. Only herself and Tia had access to springs so powerful. Luna grit her teeth. She was not in the mood for games today. She needed to find her sister and end these pranks before she lost it completely.

Luna materialized in the armory in a puff of black smoke. One spectacular dive later, she was peering out from behind her favorite weapons rack. Celestia didn’t seem to be here but Luna knew better than to underestimate her sister. Luna began strapping items to her body; a rocket launcher, two katanas, a chainsaw, several grenades, knives, pepper spray, and a taser, for starters.

The rest of her weapons were on another rack across the room. Luna drew a katana in her magic before doing spectacular flips and twirls towards it. All of this was to avoid traps that Celestia may have set up. It was a good effort, but it didn’t work.

SMACK!

A giant, white hand smacked Luna out of the air and into the ground. Dazed, she quickly chopped it into tiny bits with her katana and sprinted to the weapons rack. Motion on her right caught her attention and as she looked, a steamroller driven by a cutout of Celestia barreled towards her. Luna grabbed the katana out of her magic with both hooves and sliced the steamroller right in half.

The crash shook the building, nearly knocking Celestia out of her hiding spot.

Luna’s attention left the steamroller and she dashed towards her precious weapons. She dodged some flying whip cream pies and grabbed the only item off of the rack. She slung it across her back and cast a smoke spell. The entire room was filled in a haze and Luna took the opportunity to make her escape from the building.

Celestia simply grinned, knowing exactly how predictable her little sister was.

Luna’s most secret hiding spot was so amazing and wonderful, not even Celestia knew about it. Or at least, that’s what Luna thought.

It was a spot hidden in plain sight; Donut Joe’s Donut Shop. Luna sat in a booth in the back corner wearing a trench coat to cover her weapons and dark sunglasses. She hid her mane under a brown hat and her face behind a newspaper. At a casual glance, she looked like an oddly shaped, overweight stallion who dressed like an idiot and liked to read the newspaper upside down.

Joe had personally taken her order and had tried not to laugh at the silly, clearly fake stallion voice that Luna spoke to him in. She had ordered a plate of jelly filled donuts and a coffee. Luna needed some time to strategize before she made her next move, and she figured this was the best way to do it.

Two mistakes were made at the moment the donuts and coffee arrived at the table. First, Luna did not look to see who had delivered them. If she would have, she would have seen it was Celestia herself and that her donuts were oddly shapen and had Celestia’s best troll face in frosting on them. Second, Luna immediately took a big sip of her coffee. Joe always served his coffee at a comfortable drinking temperature, so she wasn’t worried about burns. This was, however, not coffee. Her cup was filled with unprocessed rainbow.

Luna’s hat blew off of her head and smoke was forced from her ears. Her eyes welled with tears and she did the only thing she could think of to quell the burn in her mouth. Luna threw her paper aside and shoved an entire donut into her mouth. The icing cooled her burning tongue and it felt amazing. She closed her eyes and chewed, letting out a soft sigh of relief. Her mouth was so nice and cold now.

Too cold…

Her eyes shot open as her mouth became frozen shut. She lit her horn in an attempt to cast a counterspell, but it was too late. Luna’s mouth would be frozen shut for the next 24 hours and there was no way to cancel a Muzzled Muzzle spell once it was past the icing stage. Loud grunts drew other customer’s attention as Luna struggled to free herself from the spell, even though she knew it was pointless. She laid her head on the table after several minutes and saw Celestia’s frosting face staring back at her. Luna’s eyes narrowed and she sat back up. She sprung to her hooves and threw off her disguise.

“HRM! HM HRMMM GRMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!” she yelled in the Royal Canterlot voice, striking a pose and pointing her hoof in the air.

Discord, naturally being able to understand any language, heard, “TIA! I WILL GET YOUUUUUUUU!!!”

He watched as Luna burst through the front window of the donut shop and galloped off. Joe stood behind the counter, his mouth hanging open. All the ponies in the store stared at the broken window. They all collectively rose from their seats, calmly walked outside, and began screaming and running around in terror.

Discord fell out of his chair laughing and promptly wet his pants, which had just appeared on his body.

‘Thou shall pay dearly, my sister,’ Luna thought to herself as she hid in the bushes under Celestia’s balcony. She had been staking out for a few hours. During that time, she had not noticed Celestia come or go. What she had noticed, however, was that the sun was shaped like Celestia’s face and it was going West to East, rather than East to West. Luna cursed herself for not noticing this the moment her curtains were set ablaze.

Luna watched as the palace guards ran by in a panic as they mumbled about the strange sun and the absence of both princesses. A pang of pity jabbed at Luna’s heart. She shook it off. Work was to be done.

With the grace and silence only the Princess of the Night could accomplish, Luna vanished from the bush and took the form of shadow in her sister’s room. The room was empty and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. A quick magic detection spell didn’t reveal any spells to her that were in effect except for her own.

“Oh, nice try, Lulu. But my Chaos Observance Spell cannot be detected so easily,” Discord commented as he drummed his fingers together and narrowed his eyes.

Luna let out a sigh of relief and emerged from the shadows. She quickly made her way to Celestia’s bedside table. Her plan was to remove a certain private item and leave it on Celestia’s throne for her find in the morning, after all of the day court was already present, of course. Luna chuckled and blushed slightly at the scene in her head. The room would fill with laughter, and Celestia would be horrified and would have to admit that it was hers.

The side table drawer slid open and as Luna pulled the object out, said object spewed forth a sticky, green goo that covered her face and became tangled in her mane and fur. She let out a muffled scream of surprise and disgust as she wiped her eyes clean. She felt a tingle everywhere the goo touched her body and she watched in horror as her fur started to change color. Blotches of different colors appeared where the goo had been a moment before. In a matter of seconds she had been turned into a polka-dotted, blotchy, rainbow pony.

“HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM!!” Luna screamed, ripping the chainsaw from her back.

BRRNNNN! BRRRNNNNNN!

BRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Luna promptly started it and destroyed every piece of furniture in Celestia’s room.

Celestia calmly sat at dinner and dabbed her mouth with a napkin. Her guards were happy to have found her calmly reading a book in the library. They had been dealing with rumors of Nightmare Moon returning today, and were glad that their princess had dismissed such outlandish claims. The Royal Guard was always ready to defend their princess and the citizens, but they preferred to just have a normal, quiet evening.

The doors to the dining room flew open. Standing in the doorway was none other than…

Princess Clown?

A blotchy colored alicorn made her way to the table and sat down. Luna pouted as she stared at the food with longing, unable to eat it.

Celestia looked to her sister, a large smile on her face. “You look lovely tonight, my sister. I love what you’ve done with your fur.”

Luna glared at her sister for a moment and then sighed, her gaze becoming downcast. She pulled a white flag from her mane and waved it.

“A smart choice, sister,” Celestia commented. She took a sip of tea. After a few minutes of silence she said, “I apologize for this.” She moved a plate of apples aside to reveal a large, red button. Luna’s eyes widened but before she could move Celestia pressed it.

Luna was catapulted through the roof, her muffled screams echoing across all of Equestria.

Discord pulled Celestia’s lamp out from under the counter, tied a little bow and note to it, and snapped it into Celestia’s temporary room in the castle.

The note simply read, “Thank you for your purchase. We hope you shop with us again.”