Discord's Lamp Repository

Lyra Heartstrings trotted down Hoof Street, humming a merry tune and not really paying attention to where she was going. She was in a great mood and didn’t have a care in the world today. Her stomach rumbled. She abruptly stopped moving and clutched her aching belly.

“Oh, I really should get something to eat,” she said to her stomach. “Don’t worry belly, I’ll feed you!” she said with a gentle rub. Lyra looked around for a restaurant and caught sight of a strange building down the road. “A new restaurant must have opened!” she squealed and galloped towards it. The first thing she noticed was the words on the windows. Her eyes darted around and finally settled on, “They taste great! Like a chocolate milk of glass!”

Another rumble from her stomach sealed the deal and she walked into the… restaurant… without hesitation or a second thought.

BOOM!

Lyra jumped, startled, as the sound of cannonfire filled her ears. Discord went whizzing by her wearing a jumpsuit and helmet. A confetti trail followed behind him and covered Lyra from snout to tail. “Welcome to Discord’s Lamp Repository!” Discord shouted as he landed on a pile of pots and pans on the other side of the room. “We’ve got what you need, even if you don’t know you need it yet!”

Lyra used her magic to free herself from the confetti. “Lamps? I thought this was a restaurant,” she stated glumly as her stomach rumbled again. Her ears splayed back and she winced at the discomfort.

“Well, we aren’t a restaurant, but you’re in luck!” He pointed to a popcorn machine in the corner. “Feel free to help yourself as you take a look around,” he said as he motioned around the room and shoved an ice cream bucket in her hooves.

A little drool escaped from Lyra’s mouth at the idea of popcorn. “I suppose I can take a look around if it means free popcorn,” she said with a smile as she dashed to the popcorn machine. Her face fell as she looked inside. The machine held not popcorn, but an assortment of bright fluff balls that were rolling around the bottom. “What… What are these?” she asked, her voice dripping with disgust.

“Oh don’t worry about what they are, just eat one. They are delicious!” Discord said as he appeared next to Lyra. Before she could react, he had taken a bright blue fuzz ball and shoved it in her mouth. “Eat up!” he said as he moved her jaw up and down.

Lyra quickly brushed him off, ready to berate him, but paused and chewed thoughtfully. Whatever these things were, they were amazing! They tasted like cotton candy one second and chocolate the next. “Wow, what are these things?”

“They’re called Tribbles. I dipped them in food coloring to give them a little more chaotic appearance. Their flavoring is natural, though.” A very, very mischievous grin appeared on Discord’s face.

Ice cream bucket in hoof, Lyra filled her bucket with Tribbles and started to meander around the store, eating thoughtfully. If she ate enough of these things, she may not have to buy lunch! Discord was now situated behind the counter playing Pong by himself on a little screen under the countertop.

An oddly-shaped lamp caught Lyra’s attention. She turned her gaze to it and gasped. Tribbles fell to the floor and rolled under tables. Lyra’s eyes almost popped out of her head.

She. Had. To. Have. That. Lamp. At. Any. Cost.

PERIOD!

Everypony has a secret. While Bon Bon was scared to death of spiders, Celestia, a closet Daring Doo enthusiast, and Pinkie Pie had some multiple personality issues, Lyra’s secret was way more embarrassing.

She was obsessed with the mythical creatures, humans.

Everything about them fascinated her; their shape, their lack of fur, walking on two legs…

Their hands… Oh, cheese logs, their hands! *ahem*

Lyra had a hand problem.

Discord watched Lyra stare open-mouthed at the lamp in front of her. She hadn’t moved for over ten minutes, and although Discord knew she would like that particular lamp, he had thought she would have said something by now.

“You know,” he said offhoofidly, “there is a rather interesting book in the Canterlot Archives about humans.” This gave him the reaction he was looking for. Lyra grabbed the lamp in front of her, bolted to the counter, and gave him her full attention.

“Really?” she squeaked.

“Yup. If I remember correctly, there was a certain spell you may be interested in, especially since the payment for that lamp will not be cheap...”

Dirt flew everywhere as Lyra dug a tunnel under the castle grounds and past security. A pendant hung from a necklace around her neck and kept getting in the way as she dug. She hated wearing girly things, especially jewelry, but Discord had insisted that it was necessary for payment.

THUNK!

Lyra sighed in relief as she hit stone. Hours of digging were taking a toll on her magic, and she needed to keep some of it if she was going to get this book. Her golden aura gathered at the tip of her horn and she cast her spell. Loud rumbling and cracking noises filled the tunnel as the stone gave way to reveal the the Canterlot Archives above her.

Lyra’s magic dissipated and she waited a few moments, listening for any movement above. Silence was all that greeted her, so she quickly jumped up through the hole and behind the nearest bookcase. She moved with grace along the rows until she found the shelf Discord had mentioned.

Discord watched as Lyra darted about. The pendant he had given her give him a constant video feed to his screen. He had the idea after Celestia had to put forth so much effort to cast her spells. If the ruler of Equestria had to work at it, then your average unicorn would never be able to do it. Plus, he had his earth and pegasus customers to think of.

“I see Bon Bon has taught you some tricks,” he mumbled to himself as he popped a Tribble in his mouth.

Blood red and about 500 pages long, the book sat on the top shelf. It was partially hidden by its neighbor, almost as if someone had hoped no one would notice it.

“There you are,” Lyra whispered. Her tongue poked out of the side of her mouth as she scaled the bookcase, much like a spider would. She took a seat on top and pulled the book to herself with her magic. She opened it and began reading. The book went into great detail about humans and suggested that they had visited Equestria in the past. Lyra was so enthralled by what she was reading that she did not notice that a certain somepony was watching her.

“Hello, Lyra,” a gentle and motherly voice greeted her. Lyra just about fell off of her perch in surprise, but a golden aura that was not her own caught her before she completely toppled over. “Sorry, my little pony. I did not mean to startle you so,” said Princess Celestia.

Lyra swallowed hard, knowing she was in deep manure. “It’s OK, your majesty,” she said with a shaky voice. “What brings you here?” Lyra mentally face-hoofed herself. ‘What a stupid question,’ she thought.

Surprisingly to Lyra, Celestia simply smiled. “I had some extra time today and thought I would do some light reading. I happened across a hole in the floor. Lyra, did you dig your way into the archives?”

“Umm… well… yes?” Lyra cringed and waited for the worst.

Celestia laughed. “The archives are open to anypony. Why did you feel you needed to sneak in?”

Lyra’s mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to make the words to explain herself move from her brain to her mouth. “Well, Discord said that there was this secret book, and I just assumed that it was restricted…”

Celestia cut her off mid-sentence. “Discord sent you here?” she said with a slight glint of mischief in her eyes. Lyra nodded. “Oh, well then that makes more sense. I take it you are looking to purchase a lamp from him?” Lyra nodded again with a confused look on her face. “Does your payment have something to do with that book you are clutching to your chest?”

Lyra nodded for a third time. “There is a spell in here that I wanted to try. I was just thinking about what it would be like to use it on myself. But,” she looked away and frowned, “I don’t have enough magic to pull it off.” She hugged the book closer, tears coming to her eyes.

Celestia considered for a moment as Lyra avoided her gaze. “You want to be human for a few hours, don’t you?”

Lyra locked eyes with Celestia and they stared at each other for several seconds. “More than anything,” Lyra whispered.

Celestia’s horn lit and she brought Lyra to the floor in front of her. “Use your time wisely,” she said with a gentle smile. “You only have six hours.”

Lyra’s eyes widened as magic surged from Celestia. She shielded her eyes, dropping the book to the floor.

Celestia sat at a table, the book Lyra had been holding in front of her. “This will be fun,” she said to herself with a grin.

Fancy Pants and Fleur De Lis walked calmly through the park, admiring the flowers and enjoying the wonderful weather. A scream made them pause and turn. Both ponies gasped as an ape-like creature with white and mint green hair and a lyre on its hips went running by on its two hind legs. It was about the same height as Princess Celestia and had a giant smile on its face. It had no fur and seemed dreadfully plain, almost as if it should be wearing clothes of some kind.

It disappeared from view a moment later. Fancy Pants and Fleur looked at each other.

“I say, what in Luna’s name was that?” Fancy Pants asked.

Fleur shrugged. “Standard procedure, I would assume?”

Fancy nodded. “Quite.”

Both ponies bolted in opposite directions, screaming.

A gentle knock on the door echoed through her house. Annoyance at the interruption in the form of a sigh escaped the homeowner. Getting up from her book, she huffed on her way to tell off the pony that dared interrupt her study. She reached the door and opened it.

“Moon Dancer! It’s me, Lyra!” said the human. Lyra hopped around in excitement.

Moon Dancer blinked. “Humans, a Reference Guide. Yeah, I’ve read that book.”

She then promptly slammed the door and went back to her studies.

Lyra was having a blast! She had just arrived at the lake in the park outside the castle. Eager to try out these new arms and legs, she dove right in. The pony paddle kept her afloat, but she soon discovered that she could get a lot more speed if she used her arms and hands to pull herself along.

“Remove yourself from the lake and put your… um… hooves in the air!” yelled a guard pony from shore.

Lyra didn’t really want to comply, she had so much to do and so little time! But, she didn’t want the Royal Guard hounding her and spoiling her fun, so she made her way to the shore to explain herself. As she stood to her full height in the shallows, however, the guard pony panicked and shot a stun spell at her.

Lyra felt a tingle over her body that dissipated after a few moments. The unicorn gasped and backed away quickly. Aparently magic did not work on this strange creature. Lyra laughed and ran off, not wanting to waste a second more. “WOOOOOOO!!” she yelled as she ran. The guard, not wanting to be scolded by his superior, gave chase. Spells flew in all directions, each one missing their target. Luna happened to be walking down a side street when a spell hit her square in the chest. She toppled over, completely immobilized. Her guards sprang into action and gave chase to Lyra, leaving Luna in a puddle of mud. Luna felt a sense of deja vu and wondered if her sister was near.

The feeling of running on two legs was amazing. She pumped her arms and found that she could gallop faster as a human than she could as a pony. A crowd blocked her path up ahead. As she neared, the ponies saw her and started moving out of her way. She headed to the opening they had created for her, but a foal, too young to know any better, broke free of his mother and darted in front of her. Before Lyra knew what she was doing, she had leapt in the air and jumped over the foal. Her feet slapped against the ground as the foal’s mother grabbed him in a panic.

“Sorry!” she called behind her. She chanced a glance over her shoulder and saw the guards had given up in their pursuit. Stunned bystanders had fallen over into potted plants and one guard was busy reversing the stun spells. Another guard was stuck in a wicker chair, his legs poking out in odd directions. Lyra couldn’t help but laugh. She felt a little bad for the guard ponies, but she knew they would be OK.

“What did you say these were called again?” Celestia asked.

“Tribbles,” replied Discord.

“They would be great with some cheese dipping sauce,” Celestia suggested as she lounged in her chair.

The pair was sitting behind the counter of the store watching the chaos unfold. A sign on the front door read, “CLOSED - Quality chaos in progress.”

Discord snapped up some nacho cheese and some salsa. He offered it to Celestia, who happily dipped a Tribble and popped it in her mouth. “Yes, much better,” she said with a grin as they turned their attention back to the screen.

Lyra was hungry again. All the running had taken a toll on her. She hadn’t really been paying attention to where she was running and found herself in the griffon district. There was a food cart on the side of the road and she made her way over to it. The smell of cooking meat met her nose and her mouth began to water, much to her surprise. She remembered that humans were said to be meat eaters. Being a pony, she had never had meat. Pony teeth were not meant to chew such tough food, not to mention that they couldn’t digest it.

The griffon regarded her with a weary eye, but didn’t comment on her appearance. Griffons were less panicky than ponies. Unless Lyra became aggressive, the griffons didn’t care what kind of creature she was.

Lyra pulled a few bits out of her hair. “I’ll have one um…” she hesitated, not knowing what anything was.

The griffon just rolled his eyes. “Steak. These are called steaks. Five bits, lady.” He held out a claw.

Lyra counted out the bits and he handed her the steak in a paper boat. She eyed it wearily. It smelled great, but she wasn’t sure if she should really go through with it. A cautious lick later, and soon she had consumed the whole steak. Lyra licked the juices from the boat. The griffon raised an eyebrow but said nothing at the display.

Lyra was still hungry. “Meat… more meat, please. One of everything!” she shouted as she pulled a giant bag of bits from her hair. She eyed a piece off to the side that was covered in mushrooms. “I want that one for sure!” she said, pointing.

“You sure ‘bout that? Those are special mushrooms from Griffonstone. They may not mix well with your system.”

“Shut up and take my bits!” Lyra practically shouted as she shoved the bits at him.

Ponies ran in horror as the human limped down the street. Smeared blood covered her body. Lyra was high on meat! Bacon, steak, chicken! She wore sausage links as a sash, had a skirt made out of raw steak, and was gorging herself on BBQ chicken wings.

“Meat… meat… MEAT!!”

Lyra woke up about an hour later in the bushes outside Joe’s Donut Shop. Sirens and screams in the distance assaulted her and made her already pounding headache feel like a jackhammer boring into her skull.

“Jeez, he wasn’t kidding. I guess humans can’t have those types of mushrooms.” She got up and examined what was left of her steak skirt. “I better get cleaned up…”

Lyra made her way to a nearby water fountain and started washing herself. A park was not very far off and she caught sight of some foals playing hide and seek. An idea occurred to her. She finished washing and jumped into a bush. Lifting the bush from the ground proved to be quite easy. As the foal that was seeking turned away, she moved closer to the park. After about five minutes she was in range. She let out a soft cough as the foal went by, looking for his friends.

“Ah-ha! I got you!” he yelled.

Lyra jumped out of her bush, arms raised in the air and screamed. The earth pony foal screamed back and bucked her right in the stomach out of fear and took off. Lyra doubled over in pain and tried not to lose her lunch.

“That… that was a bad idea,” she grunted. “Maybe that is enough chaos…”

Discord watched as general chaos and panic consumed Canterlot. Nopony seemed to know what to do with the human, magic didn’t affect her, and she wouldn’t sit still long enough for anypony to talk to her. Celestia eventually made an appearance to tell everypony to calm down and not pay the creature any mind, that it was not cause for alarm, and to just settle down. The ponies did just that and it was business as usual within a few minutes.

“These ponies are so jumpy, yet able to cope easily once their ruler reassures them,” Discord said as he stroked his goatee. “I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

The door to his shop burst open and Lyra the human came walking in. She was covered in dirt and her hair had sticks in it. A huge grin was plastered on her face. “Did you see me?” she said as she jumped and hopped across the room.

“Yes, I saw it all. You did well and I accept your payment,” Discord said with a bow.

Lyra cheered. “Yay! And I still have over an hour left! Say Discord, do you think you could teleport me home? I would really like to surprise Bonny,” she said with a sly grin. “I have one or two more things I want to do, but I really need to be home.” Her fingers wiggled by her sides.

Discord blushed a little and coughed. “Uh, sure. But give me back that pendant. I don’t think I need to be a part of… whatever it is you are planning.”

Lyra eagerly pulled of the necklace and placed it on the counter. She grabbed her lamp and Discord snapped his fingers. She was gone in a flash.

“Bon Bon, I’m home!” Lyra called from the living room.

“I’m in the tub!” Bon Bon yelled back. “Could you come brush my mane for me? Your magic would really make this go faster.”

Lyra grinned. “Sure, be right there!”

She set her new lamp down on the table and made her way to the bathroom. A passing pegasus moved a cloud outside and sunlight shone down on the lamp. It was a human hand with Discord tattooed on the back of it. The fingers pointed up and held a single light bulb. Lyra paused in the doorway and glanced back at it for a moment.

“Totally worth it.”