Spike slowly woke from his slumber and smiled at Selten as she slept beside him. Leaning down, he tenderly nuzzled her before slowly moving from their hoard to avoid waking her. Stepping outside their cave, he stretched and groaned as some joints popped and stretched his wings out.

“Mmm, love… where are you going?” Selten moaned, half buried under a pile of gems, her belly swollen with the weight of her quickly developing eggs. “It is far too early to be awake, my mate.”

Spike chuckled. “When you live with Twilight Sparkle all your life, you get used to waking up early. Sorry I woke you. I’m just doing some stretching.” He joined her on the hoard and brushed some of the treasure off her belly before nuzzling it. “Just four more months.” He breathed some small flames onto her belly.

Selten sighed and grumbled, blowing her own flames across Spike’s shoulders. “Four months indeed,” she murmured, idly poking at the bulge in her stomach.

Spike breathed some flame onto Selten’s throat and nuzzled it. “It’ll be worth the pain, my radiant jewel. No doubting that.”

“It had better be,” Selten groused, flicking her head into the air and frowning haughtily. She held the pose for as long as she could before breaking down into light giggles as she ate a few sapphires.

Spike chuckled with her and crunched several rubies before burping, a small wisp of smoke and flame forming into a sealed scroll that dropped into his claw. “I actually forgot about that little spell…”

“What spell?” Selten asked curiously, examining the scroll in Spike’s claw. “And what exactly is that scroll for?”

“Mom put a spell on my flame sacks that lets her send mail to Princess Celestia and receive mail from her.” He got to his feet and trudged toward the cave entrance. “Better take this to mom and get her to take the spell off. I’m not her secretary anymore.”

Spike landed outside the Golden Oak Library and stuck his head near the door to Twilight’s balcony. “Mom. Are you awake?”

Twilight grumbled and threw her alarm clock at Spike as hard as she could with her telekinesis. “Go ‘way,” she mumbled, still half asleep and trying futilely to block out the sun. “Too tired…”

Spike didn’t even twitch as the clock impacted against his snout and broke into pieces that fell to the balcony. “You’ve got a letter from the princess. FYI, since I moved out, I’m not your secretary anymore. So please take that spell off my flame sacks and put on your own aura or something.”

“Fuggoff… I’ll do it t’morrow….” Twilight dug back into the covers, snuggling against Alucard’s side and flipping Spike the bird. “Go ‘way y’ungrateful reptile….”

Spike stared and sucked in a breath before breathing a small lightning bolt at Twilight. Not enough to hurt her. Just enough to give her an unpleasant shock the moment it touched her bed sheets.

It bounced off of the subconsciously cast shield spell Twilight reflexively raised and returned the bolt with three times more power while alerting Twilight to the attack and waking her up enough to lob her own lightning bolt at Spike.

Spike flinched back at the impact of the bolts, growling as he reached into the bedroom and tore the sheets off Twilight. “Wake up!” he snapped, his voice booming for several blocks and causing a distressed wailing to start up from the crib at the foot of Twilight’s bed.

Twilight’s eyes immediately snapped open as she punched Spike in the face and activated a gravitational pulse generator spell, launching him out the window and allowing her to spin around and rush to the crib, gently shushing her daughter and shooting nasty glares at Spike. “Spike, I don’t give a damn if you’re my son too. You don’t wake up Integra when I’m sleeping!”

Spike looked sheepish as he recovered from the reel of the gravity pulse. “Sorry mom…” He put his head back to the door and found himself being glared at by Alucard. “I’m not apologizing to you too, Alucard. Ow!” He reeled back and gripped his snout in his claw. Alucard hit far harder than Twilight.

Alucard turned and started helping Twilight calm their daughter. “There, there, Integra. Everything’s fine. Mommy and daddy will protect you from the big, bad dragon.”

“Big, bad dragon?!” Spike asked in a protesting tone. “I’m her big brother!”

Integra slowly calmed down, quickly falling back asleep under the careful murmurs and ministrations of Alucard and Twilight. Twilight, once Integra fell back asleep, sighed in relief and turned to Spike, “Now, what’s so important that you had to barge in on my beauty sleep and wake up your baby sister like the bumbling oaf that Blueblood once was?”

“Did you really have to compare me to how he used to be?” Spike asked while suppressing a groan. He held out the letter from Celestia in his claw. “Like I said. Mail from the princess. FYI, I’m not your secretary.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “You never were, considering that all you did was send and receive mail until we came here. And study too, but that’s beside the point. Now what’s in the letter?” She held out her hand, gently placing Integra back in her crib.

Spike tossed the scroll into Twilight’s hand and shrank down so that he could land on the balcony and enter the library, approaching the crib and taking a better look at his sister. “Alucard’s hair with your purple highlights?”

“Look again, there’s some weird blonde hairs in there too,” Twilight muttered, reading over the scroll’s contents. “.... What the f- ahem. What is Princess Celestia thinking…?” she exclaimed quietly, tossing the scroll away in shock.

Spike and Alucard looked over the fallen scroll and read until their eyes widened.

“Is she honestly…” Alucard muttered.

“And I thought mom was the insane one,” Spike added. “Guess gods are the craziest after all.”

“Oi!” Twilight spat, shaking her fist at Spike.

“Celestia vants to do vhat?!” Schrodinger asked in alarm from his spot beside Pinkie, one of their twin daughters in his lap and trying to climb up his shoulders to play with his ears.

Rainbow dug into her ears with a single finger, reclining in an equally alarmed Soarin’s lap, “It sounded like… Princess Celestia wanted to…. free Discord and…. reform him!?”

“Has she lost her mind?!” Applejack asked from between Flim and Flam, unconsciously holding them closer along with her sons.

“I certainly hope she doesn’t intend for us to do the reforming,” Rarity muttered, holding Elusive and Barb against her. “I’d just be more inclined to kill him and dump his corpse in the Everfree.”

“We’d have to figure out how to kill a god though,” Fluttershy pointed out while watching her son crawl around and play with some toys.

“Well it shouldn’t be that hard,” Gilda muttered sarcastically, tearing into a breakfast sandwich and leaning against both Rainbow and Soarin.

“What makes you say that, Gilda?” Alucard asked in curiosity as he held the sleeping Integra in his arms beside Twilight. “If killing gods were easy, there wouldn’t be any left.”

“It’s called sarcasm, Alucard,” Gilda replied, not even bothering to look up. “Look it up.” She finished her sandwich and yawned. “Damn, I did not wanna be woken up for this shit…”

“Mind your language around the children please, Gilda,” Blueblood said, giving Gilda a frown before a bright flaming aura flashed in the air, heralding the arrival of Princess Celestia. “Hello, Aunty.”

Celestia touched down serenely, a familiar, slightly eldritch looking, golf ball held in one hand, with the Elements of Harmony, hovering behind her in her telekinesis. “Hello, nephew, Twilight, and everyone. I wish I could have come at a better time, but this needs to be done. Twilight, you know what to do.”

Twilight took a moment to cast a soundproofing spell around the children’s ears before standing and walking toward Celestia. “Princess. With all due respect…” She grabbed the front of Celestia’s dress and started shaking her. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!”

Celestia calmly removed Twilight’s hands from her dress and sighed, “There are signs of great conflict on the horizon- conflict that cannot be resolved even with the combined strength of all of Equestria’s current assets. It is my hope that, should Discord be reformed, that he may be the tipping point that allows for the continued survival of Equestria.”

“Need ve remind you vhat Discord did zhe last time he vas loose, Tia?” Schrodinger asked with a frown.

“I agree with Schrodinger, Celestia,” Alucard said. “Discord is a wild card that we have no hope of putting on a leash.”

“Discord is wonderfully predictable once you learn his cues,” Celestia rebutted, pulling out a scroll and handing it to Twilight. “Plus, he only does things that he perceives as fun. These days, as opposed to thousands of years ago, he is more of a juvenile prankster than anything, though he does occasionally have flashes of his… older cruelty.”

“Like how he raped us in one way or another last time he was free?” Pinkie asked bitterly as she thought of that cruel doppelganger of her love.

“... W-well, yes…” Celestia coughed awkwardly, looking side to side with a mortified blush on her face. “B-but still, I’m sure you’ll be able to reform him. If not, we’ll just seal him away again and I can throw him into the sun.”

Twilight looked at the assembled group. “Thoughts? I still think this is a horrible idea that should never have been considered, but if the princess is so sure…”

Rarity snorted, “As if I’d ever even let that disgusting being anywhere near my children.” She tossed her hair in contempt, gazing balefully at the golf ball in Celestia’s grip.

“Got that right, Rarity!” Rainbow spat, holding Soarin and Gilda close. “No way in Tartarus that I’m sticking around that jerk!”

Blueblood looked at Celestia with a contemplative look. “Perhaps it’s possible. Aunty may have her moments of strange behavior, but I’ve always trusted her to have sound judgment.”

“Wait what!?” Rarity nearly screeched, looking at Blueblood with a scandalized expression, mirrored by almost everyone else in the group. “Why would you ever agree to letting that… that monster free!?”

“My time with Raava and Vaatu taught me a lot more than martial arts and discipline,” Blueblood said. “I also gained an appreciation for philosophy, and Discord being evil is just a matter of perspective.” He sighed at the intensified stares. “It’s like this. There are deities whose purpose is to create life. To watch over and protect it. Like Aunty. But there are also those whose purpose is to destroy.”

Rarity deadpanned at Blueblood, “Still not a very good reason to unseal him.” She sighed and toyed with Barb’s hair, letting Elusive run free to chase butterflies.

“Order and Chaos. Creation and Destruction,” Blueblood replied. “Both forces are necessary to check each other. Without one, the universe would go out of balance. It’s why the Elements only imprisoned Discord. Without him, the world would be far worse off.”

“Blueblood, dear,” Rarity sighed, bringing a hand to her temple, “I know you’re eager to explain your philosophy but I seriously do not see a good reason to unseal and even attempt to reform what may or may not be an unrepentant…” she covered Barb’s ears and cast a quick soundproofing spell, “...asshole.”

“My soundproofing spell is still active, Rarity,” Twilight deadpanned. “And I can kinda see Blueblood’s point. Princess Celestia makes sure things are in order, but Discord, for better or for worse, brings change and keeps things from stagnating. So maybe he could be convinced to make sure his chaos brings change for the better.”

Rarity sighed and turned to Fluttershy, “Fluttershy, darling, you were afflicted the worst by Discord. Don’t you have anything to say on the matter?” She raised an eyebrow expectantly at Fluttershy,

Fluttershy looked up from watching her son play. “What Discord did was absolutely despicable, and I doubt I’ll ever forgive him for what he did to me. But maybe he can change. Alucard used to be a monster too, and Twilight changed him. Who’s to say Discord can’t change too? If Twilight and Alucard are willing to chance it, then I will too.”

“I won’t deny that being around you humans profoundly changed me,” Alucard admitted. “When I first met Twilight, I was rather annoyed at being bound to her as her servant, but that anger eroded into nothing as I spent time with her over the years.”

Pinkie nodded and, after ducking behind Schrodinger, checked the scri- Oi get out of here!

“But I wanna knoooww~!”

No! Get back inside the story!

“Fiiiine…”

Ahem.

“Anozher time perhaps, meine leibe,” Schrodinger whispered with twitching ears as he dragged Pinkie from the editing room and back into the set. “Ve’re back! So vhat’s zhe decision?”

“Did y’all go somewhere…?” Applejack mumbled in confusion, scratching her head while raising a questioning eyebrow at the both of them. “Whatever. We decided ta let the snake go free fer now. If’n he acts like a right jerk again, we’re blastin’ him into a pile a’ ash.”

Twilight’s telekinesis took the Elements from Celestia and distributed them among their bearers. “Alright. Let’s let him out then.” Using the Elements as a focus, Twilight focused the spell to free Discord and unleashed it on the golf ball, which had been set on the ground.

With a bright flash of chaotic rainbow color, the ball dissolved into the ash from whence it came. Said ash immediately swirled around and reformed into a very garishly designed creature. “Tada~!” Discord cheered, spinning in place as if he were the star of a fashion show.

A shadow passed over the group before Spike carefully landed next to Rarity and Blueblood. “Hey, Rarity. Could you help me find some sapphires for Selten? She’s craving them and we’ve run ou-” He stopped speaking as he saw Discord. “Discord!!!” He deeply inhaled and spit a lightning bolt at the Lord of Chaos.

“Whoa there!” Discord yelped, teleporting behind a tree and cowering. “Watch where you spit those things you ugly lizard!” He stepped out and threw a pie at Spike’s face, pouting indignantly.

Spike grew large enough to shield the entire group as he snarled at Discord. “You hurt my family and friends, Discord! I’m not letting you near them again!” He spat a more powerful lightning bolt at Discord.

“Gah! Would you stop that! I’m trying to make a dramatic entrance here!” Discord spat, flicking Spike away from him and summarily turning to Celestia, “So you want to reform me, eh? Well you should know by now it’s an impossible task, Tia.”

Celestia scowled at Discord and crossed her arms. “Just because we had a thing 2000 years ago doesn’t mean you’re still allowed to call me that, Discord.”

“Wait you WHAT!?” Twilight shouted, jumping to her feet in utter shock, pointing dramatically at both Celestia and Discord. “How the hell did the two of you even get together!? You’re human and he’s obviously, well…. something… else…”

“Says the woman that married a vampire lord,” Celestia said with a smirk. “You should know better than anyone that love cares not for gender or species. It blooms where it wills. And at the time, Discord and I were very much in love.”

“That’s right~” Discord sang, snapping his talons and causing a fanciful tuxedo and a bouquet of roses to appear on him. “Tia and I go way back! As a matter of fact, so far back that Equestria was barely even a thing at the time!”

“It was during the warring tribes era that Discord and I first met,” Celestia said as she swatted the roses from Discord’s hand. “We continued dating after Luna and I began ruling Equestria. He may not act it now, but he was quite the charmer in those days.” She scowled at Discord again. “And I told you not to call me that!”

Discord elected to ignore the last sentence and focused on an entirely different one. “What do you mean ‘was’!? I’ll have you know that I can charm the pants off of any woman I want!” he exclaimed, his tuxedo disappearing as he crossed his arms.

“Please. You’re nothing like the Prince of Madness that I fell in love with,” Celestia said with a roll of her eyes. “Our relationship is over and buried, Discord. But I’m sure that Twilight and her friends can make you more agreeable to using your power for the good of Equestria.” She pointedly turned her back to him and smiled at Twilight. “I await word of your success, Twilight.” With that, she rose off the ground and teleported back to Canterlot.

“Tartarus hath no fury indeed, Discord,” Schrodinger said, smugly grinning at Discord getting the cold shoulder from Celestia.

“Oh shut up before I turn you back into an imaginary number,” Discord groused, arms crossed and a heavy pout resting on his face.

Schrodinger hid behind Pinkie reflexively, shivering at the memory as Spike glared at Discord while moving between him and his friends.

“Well… I think I see a means to reform Discord after all,” Alucard said with a small smirk.

“Oh?” Discord teased, raising an eyebrow in clear disbelief. “And just how do you plan on doing that, oh great vampire king?”

“Is it not obvious?” Alucard asked, his smirk widening. “Even after all these centuries, you still love Celestia.”

Discord’s eyes went wide, going so far as to pop out of his head as he bowed backwards in helpless, gut shaking laughter. “Pffffahahahahahahaha! You think I’m still in love with that old bag? What a joke! And not the good kind either!”

“I’m quite serious, Discord,” Alucard said. “If you want, I can call up Cadance. A love goddess always knows when someone is in love.” He put a hand to his chin. “Actually… She could be very helpful here. Twilight. How long would it take to summon Shining Armor, Cadance, and Chrysalis?”

“About maybe a few days if they take the normal routes down here,” Twilight tapped her chin, calculating figures rapidly in her mind and snapping her fingers. “If they have the appropriate teleport pad, then it’d take about an hour at most.”

“Well then we’d better prepare teleportation,” Alucard said. “We have need of our favorite love goddess, and I’m sure she’s just dying to meet Integra.”

“And that reminds me why I came in the first place,” Spike said as he carefully stepped around the kids that were wandering while approached Rarity. “I need your help finding sapphires for Selten. She’s craving them and we’ve run out.”

Rarity blinked, “Well that just simply will not do!” She sprung to her feet and dug through her bag, handing Spike a map, “I’m sorry I can’t help you more, but there’s markings on that map that will help you find gems of all kinds. For a dragon of your stature, the only danger there I suppose is your own stomach.”

Spike chuckled as he accepted the map. “I already ate. Selten insisted on it so I don’t eat her sapphires on the way back. Thanks for the help.” He paused to smile at his godchildren and gently nuzzle them before taking to the air and heading for the area marked on the map.

“Dragon no take our gems!” the diamond dog pack leader roared, clad in plate armor and brandishing a sword as he charged towards Spike with murder in his eyes. The rest of the dogs cheered their leader on, charging in behind him and hoping to overwhelm Spike with sheer numbers.

“Und zhis year’s Darvin Avard goes to…. Zhe Diamond Dog pack located just outside Ponyville!” Schrodinger held up a gold painted plastic bust of Darwin and bowed to the raucous applause of Pinkie.

Spike rolled his eyes and let the dogs break their weapons against his scales. “Not the brightest bunch, are you?” He inhaled and exhaled a huge wall of green fire that cooked the majority of the dogs alive in their armor. Once he had finished blowing fire, he grabbed the pack leader in his jaws and tossed him up to catch him in his mouth completely, chewing him thoughtfully before swallowing. “Not bad. I know Selten is craving sapphires, but protein from the meat and the iron in the armor will be good for the eggs.”

The few surviving diamond dogs whimpered weakly as they retreated back into their burrows and fetched as many sapphires as they could.

Spike grinned and collected the sapphires into his pocket dimension and stored the roasted carcasses in a separate one. “Thank you for your cooperation. Hopefully you’ve learned not to attack a fully grown dragon head on with your puny iron weapons. Next time I come by, you treat me with the same respect that you show to the purple haired woman that really likes knives. Got it?”

“Y-yes, M-master…” the whimpering dog bowed and retreated back into the tunnels, taking the rest of the dogs with her.

Spike couldn’t help pumping his claw in victory. “I am fucking awesome.” With a couple of flaps, he took to the air and headed back toward his and Selten’s den with the food she was craving.

Spike entered the den with a grin. “I’m home!” He opened his pocket dimensions and spilled out the sapphires and roast diamond dog. “One order of sapphires and a side of roast diamond dog with iron armor seasoning on the house. Bon appetit, my radiant jewel.”

Selten crinkled her nose, “While I appreciate the iron supplement, my handsome mate, I rather dislike the smell of charred dog.” She tossed her head imperiously and indicated a dug out area over to the side, “You may place the iron over there. I feel that one of our children would do well to be able to spit globs of molten metal at opponents, do you not think?”

“That sounds badass,” Spike said as he started picking the armor off the carcasses and tossed it over to where Selten indicated. “So what about the carcasses? Protein supplement for the eggs you know.”

“Hmph, only if they taste better than they smell,” Selten muttered, stroking her belly idly and rolling onto her side. “Eugh, I cannot help but feel disgustingly bloated. I feel much like a beach ball, but scalier and much more pleasing to the eye.”

Spike smiled and nuzzled her belly, breathing gentle flames onto it. “And you’re also mine. Mine alone.” He gently lay his head against her belly and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of his mate’s scales on his cheek as he rubbed against the swell of her belly.

“You flatter me,” Selten murmured, arching her back and stretching lightly. “And of course, flattery takes you everywhere, my love.” She leaned down and nuzzled Spike gently, blowing her own flame over his neck.

Spike let out a groan of pleasure at the flame’s touches. “You know just the right spots, my radiant jewel.” He shifted and curled up beside Selten, his tail twining with hers. “Celestia got a crazy idea. Probably her craziest yet. She wants to reform Discord of all people.”

“Discord?” Selten asked, raising a brow curiously, “Who is this…. Discord? The name sounds familiar, but nothing comes to mind.”

“He’s one of the gods,” Spike explained. “Specifically the god of chaos and madness. He was imprisoned for centuries, but got loose a year or two ago and hurt my friends and family pretty badly. When I saw him free I spit a couple of lightning bolts at him on instinct. Last time he was free he turned Equestria into the chaos capital of the world.”

“Ah, him,” Selten groused, flicking her tail in agitation. “Legends often told of a strange being who crowned himself the god of chaos and madness. Hmph, and the humans’ princess wants him running loose? What an idiotic notion.”

“Well Celestia’s judgment is usually good. If Discord can’t be reformed, they’ll just turn him back into stone. But they seem to have a plan that involves my aunts and uncle.”

“Aunts? Uncle?” Selten asked, tilting her head in confusion. “Are those more familial terms?”

“Yeah. My mom’s older brother and his wives,” Spike confirmed. “Shining Armor can be badass when he wants, but he’s kind of a pussy where mom is concerned. She’s knocked him into a wall hundreds of times. Chrysalis is a changeling, but since getting an infinite supply of love to feed on alongside her hive, she’s a lot nicer. If an unrepentant tease… And Cadance is the resident goddess of love. She’s fond of causing baby booms.”

“Ahh, I see. Aunts and Uncles are like Dame and Sire clutch-mates.” Selten nodded and then blinked again, “.... What are baby booms…?”

“Baby booms are basically a lot of couples having kids relatively close to each other in time frame. Usually intended to increase a potentially dwindling population,” Spike explained.

Selten nodded, “Mating frenzies, then. When ovulation cycles occur every two weeks and pregnancies last for five months. Now, what exactly were we talking about previously? This… Discord… character?”

“Apparently he dated Celestia a couple thousand years ago and Alucard thinks they still love each other, so he plans to get Cadance and Chrysalis to help get them to admit it,” Spike said.

“..... That reeks of a horribly laid plan,” Selten muttered, rolling back into her treasure pile and dropping her head under a wing. “Wake me when the idiocy is over, my love. And also find some place to store those fetid carcasses.”

“So you’re not getting completely naked for the camera?” Discord asked, floating on his back on Fluttershy’s left as she headed to her photoshoot. “Laaaaaame. What’s the point of having that sexy bod if you’re not baring all, eh?” He winked salaciously and popped into a bright flash, a camera appearing in his hands while Fluttershy’s clothes disappeared for a moment. “Work it baby!”

Fluttershy reflexively applied an illusion to hide her nudity as she gave Discord her Stare. “Give me back my clothes right now, Discord! Only Alucard and Twilight are allowed to see me naked! And no, I’m not doing nude modeling. I model lingerie and bikinis.”

“Hrk!” Discord reflexively choked up under the stare before he snapped his fingers and returned Fluttershy’s outfit. “F-fine, fine, w-whatever… just… stop Staring at me!”

Fluttershy giggled. “I can stare the chaos god into submission now. How about that?” A roar rent the air before a massive spiky blue wolf creature bolted into the square, roaring at the sky as its spines glowed blue and sparked with electricity from hundreds of glowing insects gathering on its back.

“What the fuck is that!?” Discord yelped, falling out of the air and landing on the ground while his jaws and eyes literally fell to the ground. “I didn’t make that! I don’t remember making one of those!”

Fluttershy squeed loudly at the creature. “A zinogre! They’re so majestic aren’t they?!” She giggled and started strolling toward the snarling monster. “Looks like a wolf even though it’s a fanged wyvern. And has a symbiotic relationship with thunderbugs. They give it electrical power, and it protects them from their main predator which also happens to be the zinogre’s favorite prey!” She didn’t stop drawing closer even as she spoke. “Oh you’re so precious!”

The zinogre snarled and swiped at Fluttershy, roaring out a challenge while sparks flew through the air.

A brick plonked into being from behind Discord’s hind legs. He surreptitiously kicked it back out of existence and shuffled over to Fluttershy, “Not that I care, but… uh…. shouldn’t you be running by now?”

“Oh you’re thinking of cowardly human me, Discord,” Fluttershy said with a giggle. “New vampire me just loves big vicious monsters!” She grinned at the zinogre. “Come give mama a hug, big boy!”

The zinogre roared again and charged, head lowered and maw open so as to bite Fluttershy in half. Each footstep thundered through the air and shook the ground, all the while making sparks fly through the air from the thunderbugs upon its back.

“Yeah, nope. Fuck this!” Discord shook his head, put on a pair of sunglasses, snapped his fingers, and disappeared in a flash of light.

Fluttershy giggled and leapt back, dodging the swipes with casual ease and lightly bopping the zinogre on the nose. The creature roared in return, swiping the air and crashing through buildings as its rage powered an unhealthily intense desire to maul the vampire teasing it.

As the zinogre began tossing itself through buildings, Fluttershy frowned and rolled her eyes, gently (for her, at least) pushing it out of Quills and Sofas and towards the edge of town. “Bad zinogre. You don’t destroy the town.”

The zinogre slid to a halt and stood shakily, dirt falling from it in clumps along with the shattered exoskeletons of a few unlucky thunderbugs. As it crawled from the trench Fluttershy had launched it into, she landed in front of it and patted its snout once again, a cheery smile on her face.

Rage kindled anew, the zinogre swiped again, charging after Fluttershy even as she led it on a merry chase out of town and finally slid to a halt right at the edge of the Everfree Forest. She slowly turned around… and Stared.

“Sit!” she commanded, hand held outstretched with her palm facing the zinogre.

Unable to argue, the zinogre helplessly complied, sitting on its haunches and shaking in utter terror.

“Shake,” Fluttershy ordered as she turned her palm up, still Staring into the zinogre’s eyes.

A single massive paw came forward and dropped into a gentle rest in Fluttershy’s hand. At this point, the zinogre had stopped shaking and began panting, much like a dog.

“.... What the fuck. Seriously, what the fuck,” Discord muttered, shaking his head. “Even for me that’s crazy!”

“When I was human, my talent was working with animals,” Fluttershy explained as she started scratching the zinogre’s chin. “And now that I’m a vampire, I can do the same with monsters.” She giggled as the zinogre lay on its back under her ministrations. “Aw you’re just a big softie, aren’t you, Volgin?” she cooed.

Volgin panted happily, arching his belly towards Fluttershy and whining for belly rubs.

“I’ll say it again, that’s fucking crazy,” Discord muttered, slightly unnerved by how Fluttershy was treating an animal he literally had no experience with in any capacity.

“The god of madness is calling something crazy?” Fluttershy asked, giggling at the irony as she gave Volgin a belly rub.

“When it comes to that!?” Discord waved his paw at Volgin, “Yes.” With that, he vanished, hopefully to find something more sane to mess with.

“RULES OF NATURE!” the sounds of absolutely epic metal echoed through the Ghastly Gorge as Vinyl absolutely tore through the hordes of quarray eels attempting to eat her.

“And they run when the sun comes up,
With their lives on the line!
(Alive!)
For a while,
(No choice!)
Gotta follow the laws of the wild!”

“C’mon! Give me a challenge!” she teased, effortlessly grasping the fin on one eel and using it as a leverage point to rip it from the gorge wall and fling it to the other side, killing it on impact.

“(Alive!)
With their lives on the line!
(No choice!)
Out here only the strong survive!”

The remaining eels shrieked in fear, slamming their jaws forward as Vinyl flipped and spun through the air, just barely dodging between their snapping maws and even landing inside one eel’s mouth to decapitate it from within.

“The time has come to an end!
Yeah this is what nature planned!”

Vinyl sprinted across the walls of the gorge, blade dragging behind her as she leapt from eel to eel, using their heads as stepping stones and killing the ones that got too close for comfort. Below, DeadMau5 casually loped along behind the destruction, blaring out Vinyl’s preferred workout music.

“Being tracked by a starving beast,
Looking for its daily feast.
A predator on the verge of death,
Close to its last breath.
Getting close to its last breath!”

Finally, when the gorge finally widened out into a proper basin, Vinyl slid to a halt in the dust, smirking up at a very reluctant MEGADETH.

“Do we have to do this?” the gargantuan UG muttered, already knowing the answer.

Vinyl’s sword sang as she swiped it through the air, “Sorry pal, but don’t worry; I’ll make sure to oil you nice and neat after the R&D boys put you back together!”

“.... Fine….” MEGADETH roared and struck forth, gun ports opening alongside the cockpit masquerading as a head and firing at Vinyl.

“RULES OF NATURE!”

With a chuckle of exhilaration, Vinyl dodged to the side, effortlessly sprinting out of the path of the bullets and rushing at MEGADETH. Another roar echoed through the basin as MEGADETH unleashed his missiles, dozens of them arcing through the air from every port on his body.

“And they run when the sun comes up,
With their lives on their line!
(Alive!)
For a while,
(No choice!)
Gotta follow the laws of the wild!”

DeadMau5 muttered a quick, “Here we go again…” as he scrambled away, just barely dodging the wild spray of explosions while Vinyl took to the air, leaping from missile to missile while cutting them in half to prematurely detonate them and propel her even faster.

“(Alive!)
With their lives on the line!
(No choice!)
Out here only the strong survive!”

MEGADETH’s head swiveled around, opening and simultaneously firing his plasma cannon. A brilliant arc of orange fire lit up the sky, tracking Vinyl even as she dodged in midair with sonic pulses.

“The time has come to an end!
Yeah this is what nature planned!

“Being tracked by a starving beast,
Looking for its daily feast.
A predator on the verge of death,
Close to its last breath.
Getting close to its last breath!”

When Vinyl landed, MEGADETH immediately spun around and slammed his right wing down, a massive blade sliding free and impacting Vinyl’s blade with crushing force.

“Oh, right, yes…. RULES OF NATURE!” DeadMau5’s speakers blared once more, providing Vinyl the cue she needed to slide free from the block and throw MEGADETH into the air. A quick hop and a sprint later, and she was running up the length of MEGADETH’s blade, slicing it to pieces behind her.

“And they run when the sun comes up,
With their lives on their line!
(Alive!)
For a while,
(No choice!)
Gotta follow the laws of the wild!”

MEGADETH spun in the air, his tail whipping forward to catch Vinyl’s airborne form in the side, though instead of sending her flying, she stabbed the tail and dragged downwards, slicing off the tip and allowing her to fall, once again slicing the tail to bits on the way down.

“(Alive!)
With their lives on the line!
(No choice!)
Out here only the strong survive!”

The impact of MEGADETH’s frame hitting the ground threw up a massive cloud of dust and instantly dispersed it with a shock wave, the force of it almost managing to push Vinyl back while MEGADETH stood and used the remaining projectiles in his left wing to create covering fire while his head swung back around and unleashed the plasma cannon once more.

“What’s done is done,
Survived to see another day.
The game of life,
The hunter and the agile prey.
No guarantee,
Which of them will succeed,
Strong or weak!”

Vinyl smirked, “Now we’re talking!” She leapt once more, flipping on top of a missile and immediately kicking it down, sending it crashing into yet another missile while she repeated the process, spinning and twisting in midair to dodge the searing heat of MEGADETH’s plasma cannon.

“Rules of nature!”

Landing lightly on MEGADETH’s left wing, she sprinted across its length and shredded it like its counterpart, leaping into the air once again when she reached MEGADETH’s torso and slamming her blade down into and through his head, driving the massive UG to the ground and into an instant deactivation.

“Rules of nature!”

A few hundred yards away, Discord stealthily pushed a pile of gold bricks out of sight behind a tree.

“Excellent training session, Vinyl. Again.” DeadMau5 walked over to Vinyl and rubbed against her leg. “You treat MEGADETH so poorly.”

Vinyl chuckles and patted DeadMau5’s head, “Ah, he can take it. Besides, he’s getting a lot better every time he fights. And the R&D guys always add more crap to him every time… and never tell me until he uses it, but still.” She turned to Discord, “Hey! Did you just shit bricks!?”

“No!” Discord denied, kicking the still visible pile out of existence and teleporting away once again.

“.... Weird-ass snake thing,” Vinyl muttered.

“Discord is an odd one indeed,” DeadMau5 agreed. “Now about my oiling? I feel dust in some of my joints.”

“Fiiiiine,” Vinyl groused, smacking DeadMau5’s head. “The hell are you complaining about dust for anyway? Aren’t most of your joints hermetically sealed and dust protected?”

“Oh gods… oh gods… I’m gonna…!” A flash of light and a feminine shriek came just as Shining Armor did, blinding him and his wives for a brief moment while they wound down from their love making.

“Dear fucking gods! Alucard get me the brain bleach!” Twilight screamed, covering her eyes and scrambling for the door to her laboratory, stumbling from both mortification and trauma. “Why can’t I unsee it!? WHY CAN’T I UNSEE IT!?”

“What can’t you unsee, Twilight?” Alucard asked as he came out of the shooting range and stopped dead in his tracks. “Um… Twilight? You’ve uh… got something on your face.”

Twilight paused, took a deep breath, gingerly touched the substance on her face, and sniffed it. “Alucard?” she asked calmly, her shaking shoulders belying her true emotions.

“Yes, Twilight?” Alucard asked, looking at her in concern once he noticed her trembling. “What is it?”

“I need you to shoot me in the face. Thirteen times,” she answered, turning green with nausea over the fact that she had her own brother’s semen splattered over her face. “Because gods know that I will never get over the mortification of having Shining Armor’s semen splattered all over my face.”

“I’m not shooting you, Twilight,” Alucard said point blank. “As awkward as that must be for you, I’m sure you’ll eventually get over it. You summoned them while they were having sex, didn’t you?”

“..... Apparently it was right as they finished,” Twilight admitted, blindly holding out her hand. “If you’re not going to shoot me, then get me a towel, please.”

Alucard handed Twilight a towel as a seductive voice could be heard from the lab.

“You shoot such big loads, Shiny,” Twilight’s voice purred. Chrysalis was in her sister-in-law’s form, clearly. “And still so hard and raring to go, you naughty boy. Does plowing your sister turn you on that much, BBBFF?”

Twilight sighed as she toweled off her face and scrubbed it down with a handful of conveniently placed hand sanitizer, “Can you shoot me now? I did not need to hear that.”

Cadance’s giggle came from the lab. “Come on, Chrysalis. Cut her a little slack. At least wait until she recovers from seeing her brother’s huge... hard... throbbing cock.”

“Nope. Not dealing with this anymore. Nope. I’m out. Goodbye Alucard, please shoot all three of them for me, but don’t drink the blood- it’ll infect you with disgusting love goddess mentality.” With that said, Twilight teleported away to drown her disgust in milkshakes and sugary pastries.

Alucard laughed and grinned. “Would you three get dressed? There’s a reason we called you here, and it’s not just to finally meet your niece.”

“Wait, niece!?” Shining Armor gasped, gently extricating himself from the grips of Cadance and Chrysalis and rushing to Alucard, “I have a niece!?”

“Yes. And you can meet her once you get dressed,” Alucard said, smiling at Cadance and Chrysalis as they emerged from the lab fully clothed.

“... Oh. Right.” Shining Armor blushed and ran back to the lab to search for something to wear.

“So what’s this I hear about a niece?” Cadance asked, grinning angelically.

“Twilight gave birth to a healthy dhampire girl about seven months ago,” Alucard said. “My daughter is a darling little thing.” He glanced at the lab. “At least put some pants on, Shining Armor.”

“Where the tartarus am I supposed to find pants in here!?” Shining Armor called back, clad in nothing more than one of Twilight’s spare lab coats. “This is a research lab down here, not a fucking wardrobe!”

Alucard rolled his eyes and sent some shadows down into the lab that wrapped around the screaming Shining Armor. “Oh don’t be such a baby!” The shadows formed into a copy of Alucard’s signature suit, minus the gloves and badass red coat.

“..... I feel so violated…. and not in the good way,” Shining Armor muttered, finally rejoining the rest of the group. “So why are we here again, and where is my niece?”

Alucard led the trio up to the master bedroom and gently pulled the sleeping Integra from her crib, showing her to them. “Shining Armor, Cadance, Chrysalis. Meet Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing.”

“Oh she’s so cute~!” Shining Armor squealed rather unexpectedly, cooing over his niece in an entirely unmanly fashion. “How old is she?”

“About seven months old,” Alucard said as Integra stirred and opened her eyes, looking in curiosity at her uncle and aunts.

“She’s so precious…” Cadance whispered, dangling her finger in front of Integra’s face while Shining Armor went to pick her up. “.... I have to ask, though… why is she blonde? Neither you nor Twilight have any blond at all.”

“Your guess is as good as mine or Twilight’s,” Alucard said as he allowed Shining Armor to take Integra from his arms, Integra giggling as she gripped and squeezed Cadance’s fingers.

Shining Armor all but melted, cooing and giggling over Integra even more than Cadance. Chrysalis, on the other hand, scoffed and muttered, “Eh, I guess she’s cute enough.”

Integra fixed her gaze on Chrysalis and laughed as she reached out to her, wanting her to hold her. Chrysalis merely stared in return, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not holding you,” she stated casually, booping Integra’s nose with an outstretched finger.

Integra’s answer to that was an absolutely adorable display of puppy dog eyes, complete with quivering lower lip. “Even I can’t resist that face,” Alucard said, waiting for Chrysalis to crack.

“No…. no… no…. no…..” Chrysalis turned away and shuddered mightily, repeating her mantra to herself even as her formidable defenses began to crack, “No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no……...fffffffffffffffff okay fine!” With that, she spun and snatched Integra from Shining Armor’s grasp and cuddled her. “Damn brat is too cute for her own good.”

Alucard chuckled as Integra played with Chrysalis’ hair with a smile on her face. “And now that you’ve met your niece, shall we get to why you were summoned?”

“So zhat’s zhe gist!” Schrodinger said with a cheerful smile as he leaned on the wall beside the playpen that had been installed in response to the baby boom. “Celestia vants Discord reformed, und zhe plan is to get zhem to admit zhey are still in love. You can help vith zhat, yes?”

“Cadance would be more help than me,” Chrysalis muttered, idly watching Cadance as she cooed over the children in the playpen. “She is the love goddess. I, on the other hand, would be perfectly capable of just getting them to make like rabbits for a few hours or days… or weeks, depending on how regularly they go for meals and sleep.”

“Um, Twilight? A thought occurs,” Blueblood said in a nervous tone. “If we’re all here, having this meeting… Who’s keeping an eye on Discord?” The silence became deafening and near palpable as the realization sank in and was reflected on the faces of all present as looks of horror.

“Oh s-” Twilight hastily applied a soundproofing spell over the playpen, then continued, “Oh SHIT. Everyone out! Now! Find Discord and if he’s up to something, beat the shit out of him if you can! Go go go!” She teleported out immediately, the air crackling violet in her wake.

Alucard looked around at the momentarily stunned group. “Well go on! You heard her!” He ran out of the shop after kicking the door off its hinges and into someone’s roof in his haste.

“Always something fun to do, isn’t there?” Vinyl grinned as she raced out, runes flaring and assembling her suit around her and dropping her immediately into invisibility as the new tech implemented whirred to life.

Octavia sighed, “No subtlety in that one, is there?” Still she smirked in response and followed Vinyl at a more sedate pace, using her own senses to look out for anything suspicious.

Sweetie Belle stared at the scattered stampede of people with a tilted head and arched eyebrow. “Did my sister, brother-in-law, and all their friends just barge out of Sugarcube Corner as though they were being chased by Tirek? And didn’t Alucard kick the door into Diamond Tiara’s place?”

“...... Your family is kinda weird, Sweetie,” Button Mash answered, rather more focused on Sweetie Belle herself than everyone around her. His eyes traced over her form, naturally following the lines of her slightly-shorter-than-normal dress and coming to a rest on her partially exposed cleavage. Immediately, his eyes flicked back to her face as he blushed mightily, “A-ah, so y’wanna go to the arcade after this?”

“Sure!” Sweetie Belle answered with a smile and pretending not to notice he’d been staring at her chest. “Let’s go, Button,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his right arm, gently resting his upper arm in her cleavage.

Button Mash’s blush increased threefold as he stammered and led Sweetie Belle to the door, awkwardly trying to shift his pants to a more comfortable position, “Y-yeah! I heard they just put in this new game, Road Brawler, and I’ve been itching to try it out for the last week!”

Sweetie Belle giggled as she grinned. “Me too! I’ve heard a lot of good things about it.” She sat down in one of the out of the way booths and patted the spot beside her on the inside of the semicircle bench.

Button Mash sat down quickly, thankful for the table blocking Sweetie Belle’s view and allowing him to surreptitiously shift his pants. “So…. what’re you gonna get?” he asked casually, running through the various options in his mind.

“I’m thinking a vanilla milkshake,” Sweetie Belle said as she leaned affectionately on her boyfriend. “What about you?” she asked as she started trailing her right hand’s index finger over his thigh.

“Eep! E-er, I’ll take… I’ll take a chocolate milkshake, I think… yeah, that sounds good,” Button Mash blushed, coughing lightly into his fist and looking around for something to distract him from Sweetie Belle’s teasing.

“Why do you seem so nervous, Button?” Sweetie Belle asked with a teasing smile as she gently squeezed the inside of his thigh. “There’s no need to be nervous around your girlfriend.” She leaned up and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“B-buh…” came Button Mash’s reply of verbal excellence. He had frozen as soon as Sweetie Belle’s lips touched his cheek, and his blush had reached a brightness almost visible from space. Thankfully, he was saved by the timely arrival of the milkshakes and quickly began sucking his down, mindless of the fact that- “GAH THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!” he cried, toppling over and spasming from brain freeze.

…. mindless of the fact that milkshakes are cold.

Sweetie Belle giggled and pulled him back into a sitting position and kissed him, sticking her tongue in his mouth and rubbing it against the roof to help get rid of the brain freeze. After about ten seconds, she pulled away and smiled. “Feel better?” she asked while tapping his nose with her finger. “You can be so silly sometimes.”

Button Mash didn’t reply, so lost was he in his pleasant daze. His blush, on the other hand, belied his true emotions… as did the slight tent in his pants and his goofy grin. “Uhuh….” he mumbled, eyes unfocused and staring at the ceiling.

“Dazed just from me kissing you, darling?” Sweetie Belle asked while rolling her eyes with a smile. “You’re such a dork.” She leaned on him again and trailed her hand down to squeeze his tent. “We’ve been dating for six months, and you’re still so nervous about taking our relationship further.”

“W-well, ah I- Gah!” Button Mash jumped in his seat, almost hyperventilating. “Sweetie! We’re in public!” he hissed, shiftily looking around the rest of Sugarcube Corner and attempting to pry Sweetie Belle’s hand from his crotch.

“Just act natural, darling,” Sweetie Belle whispered as her telekinesis redirected his hand to her inner thigh. “No need to be nervous,” she breathed as she gently stroked him. “You can touch me too, Button. Just relax.”

“Ah-uhhhhhh….” Button Mash’s brain went into a feedback loop, almost visibly overheating from Sweetie Belle’s touch. “I-uh… ah… I…..”

Sweetie Belle smiled at her boyfriend’s stutter. “Don’t be nervous, Button. You know I love you, and would never hit you for checking me out. I’m not one of those tsundere video game chicks after all.”

“A-alright…?” Button Mash hesitantly reached out and put his hand on Sweetie Belle’s…. thigh. Satisfied with what little progress he had made, he grinned nervously at Sweetie Belle and chuckled, “I-I guess I’m still not used to the girlfriend thing yet, huh?”

“You’ll get better, darling,” Sweetie Belle purred as she pecked him on the lips before whispering in his ear. “Now rub my thigh. And feel free to explore up my skirt.”

Steam all but blasted out of Button Mash’s ears as he froze up once again, thus halting his progress for the moment. Appropriately, his milkshake had begun to melt.

“H-hey dad…. I-I know I haven’t visited a lot lately, but school has kept me busy….”

A light breeze blew through the brightly lit grounds of Ponyville’s cemetery, carrying with it a few leaves and flower petals.

“Mom’s been… mom’s been getting worse, you know? She wants me to… she wants m-me to be more like-like her…. says that-” Diamond Tiara broke down sobbing, kneeling in the soft dirt of Filthy Rich’s grave and hugging the tombstone as if it were her lifeline. “She says that maybe you wouldn’t have died if I were less like you!”

Tears rolled freely down Diamond Tiara’s cheeks, plopping against the dirt and the tombstone with quiet patters. “I’m sorry dad! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to let you die!”

Only silence answered her, a silence broken only by the sound of her own despair.

And then… clapping.

“Bravo! Bravo! Truly a performance worthy of the finest theater in all of Equestria!” Discord applauded, laying across Filthy Rich’s tombstone as if it were a fanciful couch. “Such emotion! Such palpable despair! Why it brings a tear to my eye!” Discord wiped his eyes with a tissue, pulling them away and grinning at Diamond Tiara.

“Ah!” Diamond Tiara finally reacted, stumbling back and falling to the ground in shock. “W-who are you!? What do you want from me!?” She quivered in fear and rage, hating the creature who so mocked her heartfelt words, but unable to do anything about it.

“Moi? Why I simply want to give you your heart’s desire!” Discord slunk forward, slithering around Diamond Tiara and tapping her nose with his claw, “Dear old dad may be six feet under, but I can bring him back…. for a price…”

“Y-you’re lying!” Diamond Tiara snapped, appalled by the fact that this thing had the gall to talk about bringing her father back to life as if it were nothing. “You can’t bring people back from the dead! Everyone knows that!”

“Oh come now, my dear, does this look like the face of a liar?” Discord asked, grinning smugly in Diamond Tiara’s face and changing his own around to appear more cutesy and sparkly.

An armored boot caught Discord’s face from behind and slammed him across the cemetery and into a tree as Vinyl landed in a crouch beside Diamond Tiara. “Found you, Discord!” Her voice was distorted by her voice filter.

“I-it’s you!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, her look of surprise quickly morphing into one of disgust and hatred. “You’re the one who killed my dad!” Without even thinking, she reared back and slammed her fist into Vinyl’s armor, uncaring of the pain shooting up her hand. “You’ll pay for what you did!”

The force of the blow knocked Vinyl back since she’d been caught off guard. “Kid. This really isn’t the best time.” She was having a little trouble recalling a specific face at the moment anyway. She could have sworn she’d seen this girl before, but was drawing a blank on where. Same regarding her father’s face and identity.

“I don’t care! You killed my dad and you’re not even sorry about it!?” Diamond Tiara screamed, beating on Vinyl’s armor to no avail while Discord laughed and ate popcorn in the background.

“I don’t even know who you’re accusing me of killing!” Vinyl retorted, grabbing Diamond Tiara’s arms to stop her from hurting herself punching her exosuit.

“Shut up shut up shut up!” Diamond Tiara flailed, tears falling freely from her eyes once more. “You don’t even remember killing him at that godsdamned wedding!? You monster!”

Vinyl’s eyes widened under her helmet. This girl… She noticed her from the corner of her eye in her nightmares. Duet’s rampage while chasing Pain. Cutting down a civilian in her path. “You’re wrong! It wasn’t me! It was Duet the Ripper that killed your father!”

Diamond Tiara stilled and began taking deep breaths. “First you kill my father…. then you lie and tell me that a long dead terrorist did it!? How stupid do you think I am you fucking bastard!?” she exploded in rage, kicking at Vinyl and trying to do something, anything that would just hurt the person who so carelessly murdered her father.

Vinyl grunted as she put Diamond Tiara in a grapple to hold her still from behind, keeping her arms pinned against her back. “I didn’t kill your father! Duet is alive, and she was in Canterlot that day.”

“I don’t believe you! Murderer! Help! Help!” Diamond screamed, thrashing against Vinyl’s hold and calling for someone’s attention. Discord, meanwhile, took that as his cue to leave, chuckling madly as he faded out of view.

“Dammit!” Vinyl released Diamond and pushed her enough to off balance her before running out of the cemetery. “Get back here, Discord!”

Facet burst into the Ponyville post office. “Ditzy! Where are you?!” He looked around for the town’s top mailwoman and pushed past customers into the employees only area. “Ditzy where are you, you perpetually drunken woman?”

“Incoming!” Ditzy called out, smashing through the window upside down and flopping to a halt in her office chair, derriere pointed firmly at Facet. “How can I help ya, Facey-Wacey?”

Facet’s telekinesis inverted Ditzy to a sitting position so that he could look at her without an eyeful of her, admittedly toned, posterior. “We have a situation. Discord is loose as per Princess Celestia’s thus far foolhardy desire to reform him, and we’ve lost track of him.”

“What!?” Ditzy yelped, leaping to her feet and taking a swig from a partially hidden whiskey bottle. “That snakey bastard is loose!? I’m gonna kill ‘im!” She took another swig and her eyes unfocused once more as she looked around wildly, “MUCKLE DAMRED WERK’RS! 'AIR EH NAMBLIES BE KEEPIN' ME WEE SWORD!?!?”

Facet stared at his inebriated colleague. He remained convinced that her being an elite Night Shift agent and in all likelihood stronger than him, Maud, Octavia, and Vinyl put together was literally the only reason she could get away with being sloshed most hours of the day.

Ditzy, meanwhile, had torn through her exasperated coworkers’ collective office spaces until she finally came back, punched through the drywall behind her desk (ruining the large painting of herself and her family) and yanked out a massive, slightly collapsed sword amidst the sound of shrieking steel. Clearly visible behind the portrait was the punched through door of one of the best wall safe brands that civilians could buy. “Ah! Here it is!”

Facet stared at Ditzy, his left eye twitching as he used all of his not inconsiderable willpower to refrain from draining one of her whiskey bottles in frustration. Unlike her, he was not the sort of person who fought better drunk. “Alright. You found your sword. Now can you please join the search for Discord?”

Ditzy snorted, grabbed Facet by his face and flung him through the wall of the post office, shouting, “And tell the devil I’m comin’ for him next!” She leapt through the hole, took to the air… and immediately crashed face first into the ground hard enough to drag a twenty foot long trench. Through pavement. “Graaahhh! Damned wings!”

Facet scowled as he emerged from his puddle form and solidified into flesh and blood again. “Why did I have to be the one to track you down, Ditzy?”

Ditzy scoffed as she stormed past Facet, swigging from one of her many flasks and muttering, “Cuz yer a great bloomin’ idjit. Now come on, we gotta snakey fucker to find!” Sword fully extended and whistling through the air, Ditzy cut a frightful figure to the citizens of Ponyville, all of whom dived out of Ditzy’s path as soon as they saw her. Literally in most cases.

“You!” Trixie called from behind Ditzy. “The Great and Powerful Trrrrixie has words for you, Ms. drunken postwoman!” She dramatically gestured with her left arm, her right hidden beneath her half cape.

Ditzy turned, looked at Trixie, and turned away with a scoff. “I ain’t got time fer ye, Trixie. If’n ye be wantin’ yer lingerie delivered, it be slated fer t’morrow!” She went back to scanning for Discord, her split lines of vision not even registering him appearing off to a side alley and taking a seat with a bucket of popcorn.

Trixie darkly blushed at the very public exposure of her ordering lingerie, snarling as she drew her saber, an upgraded replacement for the rapier she’d lost when Sombra abducted her. “Turn and face Trixie, you damned alcoholic!”

Slowly, menacingly, Ditzy turned, eyes flashing swirly and rainbow for the briefest of instants as she drew her sword and began giggling madly. “Ye think ye c’n take me!? Come and get it ya wee lass!”

In the forming ring of onlookers, Apple Bloom watched in concern as Dinky came up to her.

“What’s going on?” Dinky asked, looking at her friend in curiosity.

“Ma sister-in-law’s about ta get into a brawl!” Apple Bloom said in worry.

“Who’s she fighting?” Dinky asked before seeing Ditzy. “That’s my mom! Kick her ass, mom!” she cheered.

Apple Bloom frowned and looked at Trixie. “Put her in ‘er place, Trixie!”

“Look’s like we’ve go’ a bit’ve a crowd, eh Lulumoonie?” Ditzy smirked, hiking her sword up behind her and letting its gears spin.

Trixie glared, rushing forward in a burst of speed and halting just before Ditzy, sword poised for a stab to the throat…. that Ditzy neatly swayed out of the way from. The follow up jabs were dodged just as easily, with Ditzy leaning just barely out of the way, her mocking smirk never leaving her face while Trixie’s glare only grew in intensity.

“Stay still and let me stab you!” Trixie growled, finally swinging down in an overhead chop. Ditzy bowed deeply, her own massive blade coming up from behind and catching the blade on its flat edge.

“Now why’n the blazes would I wan’ do that?” Ditzy slurred, swinging her sword back around and hopping back, settling into a loose stance and lightly tapping her blade against Trixie’s, the both of them switching between forms for a few seconds until Ditzy struck forth, her blade slamming into the pavement with enough force to create a ten foot wide crater.

Trixie hopped across a series of rune circles, stopping in midair and lashing out, sending a crescent wave of pressure at Ditzy, who flipped backwards easily then launched forward, swinging at Trixie and nearly bisecting her.

Trixie fell back, just barely below the edge of Ditzy’s blade and altered gravity for a brief moment, allowing her to stand on the underside of Ditzy’s sword and then flip herself to the top, kicking Ditzy in the face in the process.

“Gah!” Ditzy stumbled back, smirking as she rubbed her jaw, “Well how about that…” Trixie landed primly a few meters away, her own smug smirk plastered across her face.

“Looks like the hype wasn’t really all that,” Trixie taunted, chortling and closing her eyes just long enough for Ditzy to all but teleport behind Trixie, the lightning fast movement throwing up a massive wave of debris that caught Trixie just as she opened her eyes, launching both Ditzy and Trixie into the air.

Ditzy’s wings flared open while Trixie stepped onto a neat rune circle, both of the circling around each other and waiting for their next move.

And then the blade of Ditzy’s sword swung down as she pressed a hidden trigger, bullets erupting from the twin barrels along the blade and heading straight for Trixie. To her credit, Trixie threw up a shield with time to spare, allowing her to absorb the shots’ kinetic energy and feed it back to her rune systems.

Trixie tapped a single rune, showing that her own absorption runes had filled to four hundred percent capacity. “Well how about that…” she murmured, immediately unleashing the power in a brilliant beam of blue light, cutting a swathe across the sky while Ditzy easily dodged and flipped over it while using clouds and her own aerial magic to redirect parts of the beam.

“Alright then,” Ditzy huffed, sheathing her sword behind her back and smirking wildly. “My turn.” With that, the cloud she sat behind immediately burst into shimmering bubbles which, impossibly, spun into razor sharp disks that fired in a barrage of shimmering, rainbow blades.

“Bubbles?” Trixie sniffed, surrounding herself in a forcefield, “How pathe-argh!” The bubbles had cut through the forcefield as if it weren’t even there, slicing through it and cutting into Trixie’s skin, leaving behind hair thin lines of blood.

“Ye did nae think tha’ I’d jus’ throw a few wee bubbles at ye as a distraction, did ye?” Ditzy gloated, rushing forward and slamming her blade into the side of Trixie’s head, the flat side of it cracking against Trixie’s skull and launching her back into the ground, cratering it on impact and rendering the show-woman unconscious in a single hit.

“Flawless victory!” Ditzy cheered, planting her sword in the ground and pirouetting into a victory dance.

Forgoing telekinesis in favor of gripping the water in Ditzy’s body with his more powerful water magic, Facet yanked Ditzy away from her sword. “What the hell was that all about, Ditzy?!” he demanded while glaring into her eyes. “You’re supposed to be looking for Discord, not beating the shit out of an obviously inferior opponent!”

“She be wantin’ a fight, I be drunk off me arse!” Ditzy spat back, bopping Facet over the head with careless ease and flaring her naturally chaotic weather magic out to disrupt Facet’s control. “Now if’n ye be so kind as t’ pick up our new dead weight, I be gonna slicin’ up a snakey bastard until they gonna hafta glue him back t’gether…. in Tartarus!” She stormed off once more, vanishing in a swirl of bubbles.

Facet sighed and turned his attention to Trixie, kneeling beside her and pulling heavily purified water from the ground in a sphere. Carefully turning her head, he applied the water to her injured temple, using the water as a conduit for a healing spell. Under his care, the side of her skull mended its cracks and her flesh stitched itself back together. “She’s lucky to not have a concussion…”

“Uuuugh…. I feel like I have concussion….” Trixie whimpered, slowly forcing herself to sit up, her hand coming up to cradle her head. “Did anyone get the number of the bitch that hit me….?”

“Why did you antagonize Ditzy?” Facet asked as he let the water he used drop to the ground. “She may be an alcoholic, but she’s stronger than me, Maud, Vinyl, and Octavia combined.”

“I… don’t know….” Trixie admitted. “I was looking for Discord, but then there was a tap on my shoulder, so I turned around and saw Ditzy and then everything was all red…” She paused and blinked, then scowled. “We got played for fools.”

“So it would seem,” Facet agreed, pulling Trixie to her feet as he stood up. “I say we find Twilight and have her get the Elements ready. Discord is going back into stone.”

“Oh they’re going ta hafta glue you back together…. in TARTARUS!” Ditzy’s voice rang out as pieces of Discord rained from the sky, plopping to the ground while the woman in question all but flopped from the sky and buried herself head first into the pavement until most of her upper torso was stuck. “..... Shit,” came her muffled cursing.

Facet facepalmed and sighed as the drunken thrashing of Ditzy’s legs pulled at the frayed parts and forming holes in her shorts, exposing patches of her panties to those who looked close.

“So what do you suppose we should do to get Discord and Aunty to admit they’re still in love?” Cadance asked as she and Chrysalis walked around another area of Ponyville together.

Chrysalis tapped her chin and opened her mouth, “How about-”

“-you don’t do anything,” Discord cut in appearing in front of both love and lust goddess and frowning petulantly. “I’m not in love with her! It was a passing fling a few thousand years ago and that’s all it was!”

“Denial isn’t just a river in Maregypt,” Chrysalis muttered, rolling her eyes and snorting.

Cadance giggled and smiled at Discord. “You know there’s no point in lying about your feelings to a love goddess, right Discord? It’s all over your heart. You still love Aunty so much.”

Discord spluttered, made some truly disconcerting noises in his throat, grumbled angrily at both Cadance and Chrysalis, shook his fists a few times, flipped Rainbow Dash’s gravity until she was stuck head-first in a cloud, and vanished without so much as a “by your leave”. All this in the space of five seconds, too.

“This is going to be harder than I thought,” Cadance muttered before getting an idea. “Chrysalis. How’s your impression of Aunty?”

Chrysalis smirked and transformed into an exact perfect copy of Celestia, winking at Cadance and speaking in the Princess’ own voice, “What do you think, Cadenza?”

Cadance giggled. “Aunty always calls me Cadance, you know. Now go find Discord and work your magic.”

Chrysalis groaned, “Do I absolutely have to do this?” She shook her head and grabbed Cadance’s arm. “If I’m going to do this, you had better get your aunt and give me back up.”

Cadance giggled and reached through the aether for the connection she shared with her aunt to summon her. “Hi, Aunty!” she greeted cheerfully. “We have a plan to reform Discord.”

Celestia sighed, teleported away her teacup, elegantly finished her slice of cake, wiped her mouth, and swapped out her smiley-sun-print pajamas for a dress and her bunny slippers for a pair of flats. “What exactly is this plan?” she asked, smiling gently as if she hadn’t been pulled away from her down time.

Cadance clapped her hands together as her smile widened. “To have you two fall back in love!” The sun seemed to frame her like a halo as she held that look.

That is, until Celestia rolled her eyes and shifted the sun slightly to the left. “No. I’m not in love with him. It was nothing more than a passing fling a few thousand years ago that ended in a bad breakup. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Why do you lie to the love goddess on matters of the heart?” Cadance asked, tilting her head in curiosity. “I am Love itself, Aunty. I know when others are in love. It’s the focus of my Intellectus after all.”

“.......” Celestia’s face immediately went red as she spun around and charged a teleport spell, “Really sorry Cadance, but I just remembered I have to go do… uh…. I need to go wash my hair!”

“Wait.” Chrysalis stepped in front of Celestia and placed her hand on Celestia’s shoulder, neatly cancelling the teleport under an almost cripplingly blinding wave of pleasure surged through Celestia’s form for the briefest instant and shocked her into complete stillness. “Hear us out.”

“I know you and Discord still love each other,” Cadance said, resting her hand on Celestia’s other shoulder. “Just give us a chance to prove it to you, Aunty.”

“..... There’s no way you’re going to drop this, is there?” Celestia hung her head in defeat, knowing that the alternative was Discord being sent after her.

“Nope!” Cadance answered cheerfully as she and Chrysalis pulled Celestia to her feet. “Now come with me and your sexy doppelganger.”

“Did you really have to wear that dress, though?” Celestia muttered, shooting pointed glares at Chrysalis’ choice of covering. Or rather, lack of covering. “I think you might expose you-my-er… yourself if you jump too hard…”

Said dress was actually more appropriately called a long skirt with some extra above the waist. Even then, the slits up its sides ran almost the entire way to the sash holding it up, while what was there above the waist was barely more than a few strips of fabric that barely covered Chrysalis’ nipples and crossed around the back. “What, jealous of the fact that you never thought to wear something sexy and black?” Chrysalis purred, stretching and showing off just how endowed Celestia’s form really was.

Cadance giggled. “You’re so sexy, Aunty. You should dress like that more often,” she teased while looking at Celestia. “I wonder…” She grabbed Celestia’s breast in one hand, and Chrysalis’ in the other, comparing their sizes. “You need to go a size higher, Chrysalis.”

“Gah!” Celestia yelped, pulling away from Cadance, “That’s highly inappropriate, Cadance!” She blushed furiously, the blush itself intensifying when Chrysalis smirked and inflated her breasts a size to properly match Celestia’s own.

Cadance giggled and arched an eyebrow. “Love goddess, Aunty. I have absolutely no sexual boundaries at all when it comes to the pursuit of love. Be it my own, or someone else’s.”

Celestia made a sound that could only be described as “Ffffphtphtpht”, lips flapping as she grumbled.

“And just what do you want? Come to put me back in that boringly ashy golf ball?” Discord frowned, crossing his arms as he stared at Celestia, ignoring the twinge in his chest at the sight of her. He idly plucked a bit of cotton candy from the wall next to him and chewed on it, gulping down the chocolate milk that it produced.

“Just getting away from Canterlot for a while, Discord,” Chrysalis answered with a smile as she reclined on the room’s sofa, bringing attention to all of her exposed skin. “How are you enjoying the time to stretch your legs?”

Discord snorted and turned away, idly sipping off the glass of a glass of orange juice. “Hmph. Don’t pretend to be friends, Tia. We haven’t been anything like that since I gained my title after our little breakup.”

“Are you really still bitter over that, Discy?” Chrysalis asked as she slid off the sofa and sidled over to Discord, wrapping her arms around him and pressing his serpentine body between her breasts. “And here I was hoping to reconnect with you, mend bridges.”

Discord flashed out of existence, angrily storming away from Chrysalis, “Bah! What few bridges we had left after we broke up I burned. Literally too in some cases!” He began pacing in a circle, “I mean what is this? Some few thousand years after I become the God of Chaos you finally decide to come back to me with friendship!?”

“More than friendship, Discy,” Chrysalis said in a tender tone as she approached Discord again and took his claw in her hands. “No matter how I tried to deny it, I couldn’t escape my own feelings. It took a talking to from Cadance to realize that I’m still in love with you. Even if you’re the God of Chaos, you’re still my handsome Prince of Madness too.”

“Bah! Sheogorath took that title from me almost two thousand years ago!” Discord appeared by Chrysalis and jammed his face against hers, “So there’s really no way for me to go back to being your prince now is there?”

Chrysalis cupped Discord’s face in her hands as she stared warmly into his eyes. “Just because Sheogorath is the official Prince of Madness, doesn’t mean you aren’t still my Prince of Madness.”

Discord looked side to side, blushing nervously, “You’re just saying that to make me cooperate! I-It won’t work anyway, even if I wanted to be back with you -which I don’t- it wouldn’t work!”

“Then why the blush and stutter, Discy?” Chrysalis asked while fluttering her eyes at him. “And I got all dressed up for you too.” She drew him closer and pressed her chest against him.

“I… I…. gah! Fine! I still love you! Always have, always will! Is that what you wanted to hear you over-sensual she-devil!?” Discord cried, throwing his hands in the air and flopping backwards burying his face in his hands out of mortification.

In the moments his back was turned, Chrysalis’ subtle magic switched her with Celestia, allowing the sun princess, now decked in that revealing dress herself, to approach Discord and hug him close. “Yes, Discy.” She turned his face to look him in the eyes. “I never stopped loving you. The bitterness I treated you with was just my pain talking.”

“Oh Tia…. I… okay, I took over just to be a dick to you. I wasn’t in a good place at the time,” Discord entwined his body around Celestia’s, embracing her close and sighing. “Maybe it was because I saw you as a force of overwhelming order when I first transcended… Maybe it was something else. Who knows?”

“And I was blinded by my nature causing me to see you as overwhelming chaos,” Celestia admitted as she hugged him closer. “But my nephew said something interesting before you were released. He said that just as my purpose is to create life, so too is your purpose to destroy. You and I are both needed in order to check each other and maintain a balance.”

Discord grinned crookedly, “Aww, what happened to the Tia that said that chaos was evil and had no place in harmony? As I recall that’s the first reason why you rejected me.” His words, though chiding, had no real heat to them, as evidenced by the tiny peck he placed upon Celestia’s forehead as he spoke.

Celestia giggled and held him closer. “I was a fool and blinded by my very nature as the Lady of Order and Sunlight.” She planted a kiss on Discord’s neck and then on his lips. “So… We’re alone in this cloud house. So what do you say we get… reacquainted?” She slowly slid her dress off her breasts and pressed them against his body.

“I’d say that I’m naked and you’re not and as such you are far too overdressed for the occasion,” Discord remarked, grinning crookedly and teleporting Celestia’s dress into a quickly appearing laundry basket. “Now, my dearest sun in the sky, shall we have a repeat performance of our first time together? …. Ah, except with less premature ejaculation and crying on my part.”

Celestia giggled and teleported them to the nearby bedroom and falling onto the bed with him. “And then after I reassured you we got so loud that my sister nearly dropped the moon on our heads. Remember that?” She laughed at the memory of her sister bursting in on them practically foaming at the mouth in rage.

Discord chuckled, “Oh I can’t believe we ever broke up!” With that, he finally dropped his chimeral form and revealed his former human body, the exact same as it had been thousands of years ago. “I’m going to enjoy this…. and I sincerely hope you do as well, Tia.”

“Just make love to me, Discy,” Celestia purred before pulling Discord into a deep kiss and rolled on top of him.

The group met up in the market. “Any luck?” Alucard inquired, looking around at the assembled group. “Any at all?”

Cadance smirked and held up three fingers, then counted down. “Three… two…. o-”

An echoing scream of pleasure echoed through the town -nay, all of Equestria- at that moment, almost shattering every glass item in every city and sending birds screeching into the air from its passing.

“I’d say so, yes,” Cadance grinned, looking absolutely angelic.

“Oh gods! Is this what Alucard and I put Ponyville through every single night?!” Twilight screamed as she tried to purge her brain of the images caused by Celestia’s pleasured screaming.

Rarity deadpanned at Twilight, raising her eyebrow and frowning in an expression that clearly said, “Do you even really need to ask?”. “Nooooo, why would you ever think that, darling?” she asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes in jest.

Twilight couldn’t stop her eye from twitching as she nursed a cup of coffee with some headache meds at her kitchen table. Sitting across from her were Discord and Celestia. “You two couldn’t soundproof that cloud fort?” She scowled at the two as she lit a cigar and took a puff.

Celestia frowned, “I really wish you wouldn’t do that in front of me, Twilight. It makes me feel like a bad teacher for letting you smoke.” Still, she blushed a little and twiddled with her hair. “And… um… I suppose we forgot….”

Discord smirked and rolled his eyes, “Well we could have, but where’s the fun in- Gah! Hey!” He rubbed his arm where Celestia had slugged him, “What was that for!?”

“Don’t be rude, Discy. And did you have to put on that abhorrent chimeral form again?” Celestia asked, calmly sipping her own cup of tea.

“Smoking is wonderful for the nerves, Princess,” Twilight after exhaling some smoke. “And now that you mention it, I’m curious to see Discord’s human form. Also, Discord, if you want to make headway in being accepted, you may wish to use your human form.”

Discord grumbled, “Fiiine…. Well, at least being in my puny human form makes me look more devastatingly handsome.” With that, he flashed purple for a moment and changed, going from draconequus to human in the blink of an eye. He wore a suit patterned after his chimeral form, with wings and a tail still, but otherwise looked normal, if a bit pale and with odd eyes and a single fang. “Well? How do I look?”

“Lose the fang,” Twilight said, tapping some ash from her cigar into her ashtray. “So what are you gonna do now that you’re reformed, Discord?”

Disord popped the fang back into a normal canine and snorted, “Reformed? As if. I’m still the God of Chaos and all that. Now, what I’m going to do…. ah, screw planning, I’ll just see where chaos takes me!”

Celestia dropped her face into her palm, “Same old chaotic Discord… never making a solid plan for anything.”

“And you might want to stay away from Spike and Selten’s cave,” Twilight said. “You saw how Spike reacted to you, and Selten might have a worse reaction. She’s pregnant after all. Might think you’re a threat to her eggs.”

“Selten?” Celestia raised an eyebrow, frowning in thought. “From what you said…. Is… Is there a pregnant dragoness nearby?” Her eyes widened, mind flashing back to the last time she had been anywhere near a pregnant dragoness. “..... Well, I hope everyone has some sort of soundproofing.”

“I still have to wait a year for my grandchildren!” Twilight lamented. “Four more months before she lays the eggs, and then eight months waiting for them to hatch!” She noticed the look on Celestia’s face through her cigar smoke. “And I’ll of course provide soundproofing for Ponyville so my daughter-in-law’s roars of agony don’t deafen anyone.”

“Mmm, that’s good,” Celestia murmured, sipping her tea and simply enjoying the day. “I suppose you do have four months to prepare, so you might as well get it done now, I think. No sense in procrastinating and having terrible things happen.”

“Canterlot’s your problem though,” Twilight said after blowing some smoke into the air. “I don’t live there anymore, and it has gods living there. So why bother myself over it?”

Celestia frowned, “Since when did you become so cynical? And plus, you may not live there, but your parents do. When was the last time you actually visited them, anyway?” She swirled the dregs of her tea around, looking supremely disappointed without even changing her expression.

Twilight looked away from Celestia, finding her cigar’s smoldering cherry more interesting. “My wedding. Come to think of it, I don’t think they’ve met Integra yet.”

Celestia deadpanned at Twilight, “Did you even inform them of her birth? Because, from what I remember of Night Light and Twilight Velvet, they would have been by your side the exact moment you told them that you were in labor no matter how far away you were.”

Twilight couldn’t stop an embarrassed blush. “It… might have slipped my mind. I really have lost touch with my parents, haven’t I?” She fell silent as she puffed her cigar, some ash falling and being redirected by her telekinesis into the ashtray.

Celestia sighed, “Twilight, how many times have you even called your parents in the last… what was it, year and a half? I know you have a top of the line Scroll. I mailed it to you.” She even pulled out her own Scroll and sent an emoticon of her unimpressed stare to Twilight’s.

Twilight pulled out her scroll and gave Celestia a small frown. “I get the hint, Princess.” She dialed a number she hadn’t dialed in quite some time and put her scroll to her ear, listening to the ring as she waited for her parents to answer.

“Hello, this is the residence of Night Light and Twilight Velvet, Twilight Velvet speaking,” came the sound of her mother’s voice, cheerily greeting Twilight. “May I ask who’s calling?”

Twilight smiled as she pulled her cigar from her mouth to speak more clearly. “Hi, mom. It’s been a while since we talked, hasn’t it? Is dad home?”

“........” Silence for a moment, then a deep breath that visibly chilled the air on Twilight’s side of the call.

“Uh, mom? Are you still there?” Twilight had a bad feeling all of a sudden as she waited for her mother’s response.

“TWILIGHT NEBULA SPARKLE! YOU HAVE THE GALL TO FINALLY CALL AFTER NEARLY A YEAR AND A HALF AND A SINGLE VISIT!? WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU YOUNG LADY YOU’RE GOING TO BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE EVEN IF I DIE BEFORE YOU! YOU’RE NOT SO OLD THAT I CAN’T PUT YOU OVER MY KNEE AND SLAP THE SENSE BACK INTO YOUR LITTLE BEHIND! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE WERE FOR YOU!? A YEAR AND A HALF AWAY FROM HOME WITH ALUCARD AND SPIKE AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO SEND US ANY MESSAGES THAT YOU WERE OKAY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE RAISED AS THE GENIUS PRODIGY OF THE FAMILY, NOT THE FORGETFUL IDIOT THAT FORGETS HER OWN PARENTS! DON’T YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT YOU WERE SO BUSY THAT YOU COULDN’T CALL! I KNOW HOW MUCH FREE TIME YOU HAVE! NIGHT LIGHT’S TAPPED INTO THE PRINCESS’ SCROLL ENOUGH TIMES TO KNOW THAT YOU CALL HER MORE THAN YOU CALL US! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE? HUH? I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD AND GODDESS ABOVE AND BY CELESTIA’S, LUNA’S, AND MY OWN DAUGHTER IN LAW’S WINGS THAT I WILL SPANK YOU INTO NEXT MONTH WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU! THE ABSOLUTE SHEER NERVE OF THIS! CASUALLY CALLING ME LIKE IT’S NO BI- Mmf!” A short scuffle overtook all other sounds until finally, Twilight’s father’s voice rang through, slightly frantic.

“H-heeey kiddo! Your mother’s pretty mad right now, y’know! I mean, I’m a little disappointed myself but- agh! Honey, stop biting! Argh! I liked that finger! A-anyway, I’d ask how you’ve been, but your mother’s not done ye- WHOA!”

A loud crash echoed through the background, along with a muffled, “I’m okay!” from her father, while Twilight Velvet resumed her tirade, the air around Twilight heated up even more from the sheer force of Twilight Velvet’s motherly rage. At this point, Discord and Celestia had wisely retreated.

“-OTHER THING: HOW DID YOU END UP WITH ALUCARD ANYWAY!? WAS IT THE FACT THAT HE WAS THE ONLY MAN YOU’VE BEEN AROUND IN YEARS!? I CAN’T BELIEVE SUCH A LOW LIFE DEGENERATE WAS YOUR FIRST CHOICE! DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MANY PASSES HE’S MADE AT EVERY WOMAN THAT CATCHES HIS EYES!?”

A vein in Twilight’s forehead bulge as she gritted her teeth and snapped her cigar in half. “HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT ALUCARD LIKE THAT?! YOU CAN SCREAM AT ME ALL YOU WANT, MOTHER! BUT YOU DO NOT, I REPEAT, YOU DO NOT, INSULT! MY! HUSBAND! I’M TEMPTED TO BAR YOU FROM MEETING YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER NOW!”

“TWILIGHT NEBULA SPARKLE HOW DARE YOU TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT! DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE AND BEAT YOU UNTIL YOUR NAME IS TWILIGHT BLUE SPARKLE!”

Twilight’s wires lashed out in anticipation as her eyes glowed red and her fangs extended. “I FUCKING DARE YOU TO TRY!!!”

“OH THAT IS IT! I’M COMING DOWN THERE RIGH- GAH! NIGHT LIGHT LET GO OF ME! I NEED TO SPANK THE SENSE BACK INTO TWILIGHT!” Abruptly the line went dead with a loud crash and the sound of shattering glass.

Twilight shut her scroll and very darkly grinned as she grabbed her parasol and headed outside to wait for her mother, lighting a new cigar as she waited.

A brief wind flittered through the area, picking up a few sheafs of loose debris and most curiously….

Causing the mysterious disappearance of Twilight’s cigar.

Something that did not go unnoticed by Twilight. “Give me back my cigar, and I might go easy on you, mother,” she offered in a snarl.

Twilight Velvet flickered into view in front of Twilight, visibly sparking and glowing with her own lilac mana and frowning like only a disappointed mother could. “Tut tut, Twilight. Smoking at your age? I thought I raised you better than that.”

“Don’t you talk to me like I’m a fucking five year old!” Twilight snapped as she lashed out at her mother with her wires, her mana flowing through them with a scream of power as they closed in on their target.

Twilight Velvet huffed from behind Twilight, the wires slicing harmlessly through her afterimage. “Swearing, impulsiveness, and a lack of spatial awareness? I could have sworn I taught you better than that, sweetie. You disappoint your old mother.”

Twilight ground her teeth together and whipped around with a vicious punch aimed to punch a hole through her mother’s chest. “Get off your pedestal, old bag!”

Twilight Velvet gasped, catching Twilight’s punch with casual ease, “How dare you! I raised you, put a roof over your head, made sure your tuition was paid through your schooling, sent you home cooked meals and visited you six times a week and this is how you repay me!?” Her eyes narrowed, “So be it. As the saying goes…. Spare the rod, spoil the child.” She twisted her arm and sent Twilight into the air with a flick of her wrist, her rune systems lighting into a bright lilac and blasting the area around her with mana induced lightning.

With a jump that shattered the ground around her, Twilight Velvet disappeared from sight, massive shockwaves suddenly erupting into view around Twilight’s airborne form and sending her streaking all over the Ponyville skyline in a blur of motion while Twilight Velvet seemed to simply flicker back into view on the ground, her body translucent and seeming to glitch out as she grabbed an apple from a nearby stand, payed for it, thanked the owner, finished the apple and then threw away the core.

And then the ground exploded once more, without a single scratch of damage to Applejack’s stand, strangely enough. Meanwhile, in the air, Twilight Velvet sat down on Twilight’s insensate back and tapped her daughter’s bum twice in chastisement. “Bad girl. You’re… grounded.”

The delayed shockwaves from the tapping immediately caught up, launching Twilight into the dirt filled crater outside her home and creating an impact shockwave that threw up a cloud of dust almost sixty feet into the air.

Twilight Velvet flickered into view beside Twilight’s groaning form and kneeled down, runes deactivating as she picked up Twilight’s head by her hair. “Now what have we learned about yelling at mother, young lady?”

“D-Don’t yell at mother,” Twilight groaned through the pain and somewhat blurry vision. “I’m sorry…” Her eyes widened and her vision cleared as she heard a distressed wailing from inside her home. “Integra!” She struggled to her feet. “Mommy’s coming, sweetie. Mommy’s coming.”

Twilight Velvet’s eyes went wide as she helped Twilight to her feet, dragging her bodily inside until they came to a stop by Integra’s crib a single second later, the wake of their passage throwing up a delayed breeze a few seconds later. “You really do have a daughter,” she mused, tears misting into her eyes as she sniffled. “I can’t believe I missed the birth of my own granddaughter…”

“Sorry about that, mom,” Twilight said as she gently picked up her wailing daughter and started gently rocking her. “It’s okay. Don’t cry, sweetie. Don’t cry. Mommy’s here now. It’s okay.” She gently kissed Integra’s forehead and started singing her a lullaby. The same one that her own mother would sing to her when she was little.

Twilight Velvet couldn’t help the grin on her face as she cried tears of joy. “I’m so proud of you…” she whispered, laying her hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “You’ve done well, Twilight. Very, very well…”

Twilight smiled at her mother with tears on the edges of her eyes as she finished lulling Integra back to sleep. “Meet your granddaughter.” She held Integra out to Velvet. “Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing.”

Twilight Velvet gently took ahold of Integra, cooing softly before something stuck out to her, “.... You mean she’s not named Twilight? …. How…. odd...”

Twilight giggled. “Alucard named her. And I like it too much to change it. I love my little girl exactly how she is.”

“Ah, that makes sense then,” Twilight Velvet nodded, gently rocking Integra. “By the way, your father should be here in a few minutes. He said he’d be taking the scenic route this time.”

Twilight’s eyes widened as she suppressed a yelp when her father’s powerful arms wrapped around her from behind. “Daddy… You know I don’t like when you do that.”

Night Light chuckled, disconnecting himself from his daughter’s shadow and ruffling Twilight’s hair. “Sorry I’m late, kiddo, but I didn’t want to get in the way of your mother. Now what’s this I hear about a granddaughter?”

Twilight smiled and hugged Night Light before showing Integra to him. “Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, my darling little daughter. Isn’t she precious, daddy?”

“Oh… my…. gods she’s so cute and tiny and blond!” Night Light immediately fell into gooey, masculine pieces as he took in the sight of his sleeping granddaughter, cooing and giggling quietly while whispering baby-talk at Integra, thoroughly clashing with his build and overall appearance.

Twilight giggled at the sight. “Like father like son. Shining Armor had the exact same reaction to her. Not even Chrysalis could resist her.”

“Where did that bastard go…?” Diamond Tiara asked herself as she ran, trying to follow whatever leads she had on the armored person who had so carelessly murdered her father. “When I find him I’m gonna kill him!”

Diamond impacted someone and fell to the ground. “You okay, kid? What’s got you in such a rush?” Vinyl asked as she offered Diamond a hand up. “You seem pretty mad too.”

“I-I’m okay, Miss Scratch. Just…. looking for a jerk. Have you seen anyone about yay big-” here she motioned to around Vinyl’s height- “with armor on and a weird sword?” She looked up at Vinyl, clearly not expecting much out of her.

“Can’t say that I have,” Vinyl answered. “Sorry I can’t help you. But from the look of things, Twilight got in a huge scrap with her mom and got her ass handed to her!”

“Wait what!?” Diamond Tiara gaped, looking at the shattered ground in front of Golden Oaks and the marketplace further down the road. “W- wow…. Miss Twilight’s mom sure is powerful...”

“And I bet she was seriously holding back,” Vinyl said, looking at the crater in amazement. She shuddered to imagine what would happen if Duet ever attacked Twilight Velvet.

“Wow….. Hey, Miss Scratch?” Diamond Tiara asked, frowning contemplatively, “Do you know anyone who could help me train in weapons?”

Vinyl stared at Diamond Tiara. “Aren’t you taking lessons from Maud? I wouldn’t want to step on her toes.”

“Yeah, but she only does unarmed,” Diamond Tiara explained, “and I wanna learn how to do both. Just in case, you know? So will you teach me?”

Vinyl pulled her shades off and looked at Diamond Tiara. “Kid, my fighting style isn’t something I’m too keen on teaching. Honestly I’d rather take it to my grave. It’s not just designed to kill. It’s designed to torture. My teacher was a complete sadist, and there’s a certain mindset needed for my sword style. It’s really easy to lose yourself in battle and bloodlust using it. Trying to channel your inner darkness into a tool for good.”

Diamond Tiara faltered for a moment, shuddering at the thought of such training. After a some deliberation, she nodded to herself and stared resolutely at Vinyl. “I can do it. I will do it. I have to make my father proud of me after failing him for so long.” She took a deep breath, steeled her nerves… and bowed to Vinyl, “Please, teach me… Master.”

Vinyl looked at the bowing Diamond Tiara and clenched her fist in indecision. She really did want to take her sword style to the grave with her. But maybe she could pass on her variation of it and make sure no one else ever learned the original version. Duet the Ripper’s version. Taking a deep breath, she had Diamond Tiara straighten up and look at her. “You’re hellbent on this, aren’t you? But tell me why you want to learn how to fight so badly? Sure, most people do to stay in shape. But you’re asking to learn a style designed for actual warfare. Why that instead of something more conservative? What spurs you?”

“I… My father… he was killed during the Changeling Invasion… and… and the killer was right there in front of me today at the graveyard. I couldn’t do anything about it…. And so I have to avenge him. It won’t bring him back but… I can’t just sit around and let his murderer go free!” Diamond Tiara began tearing up, sniffling, though her words showed exactly how committed she was.

Vinyl fixed Diamond Tiara with a serious look. “Kid, revenge is a dangerous, slippery path. You’ve gotta be real careful going down it. If you’re not, you’ll slip and become a monster yourself. If I think you’re starting to slip toward that, I’ll stop teaching you completely. Understand?”

“U-understood,” Diamond Tiara nodded again, taking a deep breath and calming down. “So when do we begin?”

Author's Note

Twilight's Owned Count: 3