How I Lived In Equestria

Jorge sat on the couch, casually flipping through channels as he tried to find a way to make this seemingly uneventful day more...eventful.

“Next up on the shopping chann—”

*click*

“And now back to the Daring D—”

“NOT AGAIN!” Jorge shouted, quickly catching himself and covering his mouth, hoping he hadn’t awoken his sleeping wife.

He looked back where the door to their room was, waiting for a moment to see if it would open with a cranky pregnant Dash bursting through it.

Luckily, that didn’t happen.

With a sigh, he plopped himself back onto the couch, returning through his channel surfing.

*click*

“Chocolate Ca—”

*click*

“In more recent news, this is the first foal to ever be adopted by a creature from another wo—”

*click*

“And that, my friends, is how you—”

Jorge blinked, changing the channel back. “First foal to be what?”

*click*

“Here we have the colt’s new adoptive father, Ishtaba, ready to talk about his choice to adopt this young foal.”

Jorge simply deadpanned at his TV, trying to find the right words to describe how he feels about this current scene.

In an instant, he heard a soft knocking on his door. He turned his head to the sound, raising an eyebrow. The knocking had continued, urging the cuban to get up and see who was behind the door.

The second the door was opened, a familiar grey pegasus ran into the house, leaving Jorge to simply close the door once he had registered what had happened.

Shadow deadpanned at the TV upon the sight of the channel Jorge was on. “Looks like you already saw the news…”

Jorge walked up next to his canadian friend, looking at the TV with him. “Yep…”

“So tell me, Ishtaba, what made you, a human from another world, decide to adopt a foal all of a sudden?”

Ishtaba looked at the camera, then down at the microphone. “Uh. Well… The orphanage looked like a shitty place for him to live. So I… Uh… I figured I could at least give him a less shittier home.”

Jorge and Shadow simply look at each other with narrowed eyes, both of them sharing the exact same thoughts as they looked back at the TV.

“Are you implying that the orphanage isn’t doing their job?”

Shadow’s hoof met his face, while Jorge continued to watch with a deadpan.

“No, not at all. They’re doing their job well, it’s just that the other fillies and colts don’t get along with Cryo Flare, and I can kinda relate to that.” Ish grabbed the blueberry colored colt, rustling autumn red hair as he placed him on his back for a piggyback ride. “He and I… We’re too good for everyone else. The best gotta stick together.”

Jorge continued to watch silently, while Shadow’s jaw looked like it was about to drop onto the floor any second.

“So you felt a sort of need to help young Cryo?”

“Well. Yeah, pretty much. I have to guide this young lad and hope he turns out as well as me”

“That’s it.” Jorge snapped. “I’m grabbing my bat.”

Shadow blinked, looking at the cuban’s direction as he walked over to his room silently, then looked back at the TV.

“Well, I hope everything goes well for you and Cryo Flare!”

“Alright. Let’s go.”

Shadow blinked, turning his head back to see the cuban stallion holding a bat in his hoof. He raised an eyebrow, questioning the bat.

“Jorge? You don’t need the bat. You’re a stallion now… You can just kick him with your—”

“But I want the bat.” Jorge monotoned. “It’s the same bat I beat him with at your wedding.”

“But you don’t need the ba—”

“But I want the bat.”

The two of them stayed silent for a moment, trying to figure out where to go from there. Only for Shadow to quickly break the silence.

“Fine. Bring the goddamn bat.” He grumbled. “It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“I’m free!” Cryo cheered, bouncing around, almost eerily like Pinkie Pie when she’s happy about something as trivial as the oven dinging. “I finally have a family! I can’t believe it! Those other fillies were wrong! It’s finally happening!”

Ish blinked as Cryo continued his excitement. “Woah there, chill, fam.” He spoke timidly, trying to grab the foal’s attention. “First of all you and I gotta establish some ground rules.”

Cryo immediately stopped bouncing around, focusing all his attention to his new “father”. “Okay! I’m all ears!”

Ish sighed happily at how easy it was to grab the foal’s attention. “Alright. First thing’s first, I don’t like to be called a ‘father’. I’m too fucking awesome for that shit. If anything, you and I are… bros. That sound cool?”

Cryo raised an eyebrow for a moment to think, then quickly nodded in response. “Sounds cool.’

“Second of all. You will also be known as my ‘memege’ from now on.”

“What’s a… ‘me-my-jay’?” Cryo cocked his head to the side.

“No. Not a ‘me my jay’. That sounds like a fucking prostitute club or something...” Ish shook his head. “It’s pronounced ‘mee-meh-jeh’. It’s like a protege, but with memes.”

“Ohh…” Cryo slowly nodded, seeming to understand what Ish was saying. “...What’s a meme?”

“You don’t know what memes are!?” Ish took a step back. “Oh boy. We got a lot of work to do.”

“No. You do not.”

Ish blinked, looking in front of him, only to find two pegasi walking towards him, one with a bat, and the other trying to talk to the bat-wielding maniac.

“Shit. It’s Jorge and Shadow…”

“Jorge, wait…” Shadow tried to talk some sense into the cuban. “There’s a colt watching. You can’t just beat Ish up with a fucking bat in front of a kid!”

“No?” Jorge raised an eyebrow, walking faster towards Ish with a smirk. “Watch me.”

“JORGE GODDAMMIT THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”

Ish’s eyes widened, covering his face with his hands as he cowered in fear. “NO JORGE WAIT, YOU’LL TRAUMATIZE THE LAD!”

“THAT’S YOUR FAULT FOR PULLING THIS SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

All the while, Cryo simply backs away, hiding behind Ish with his eyes clenched shut as the red pegasus got closer and closer.

Shadow tried to find another way to get into his head, thinking of one more thing to shout at him before moving on to desperate measures. “JORGE. STOP. THINK OF WHAT YOU’LL DO TO THE FOAL! IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I HIT YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR KID!”

It was already too late, Jorge was already in front of his, his hoof up in the air, ready to swing down the bat. He let out a loud yell, swinging the bat down with full force.

Shadow’s eyes widened. “JORGE! NO!”

*CRACK*

In an instant, silence had filled the air. Cryo opened an eye, looking around to find his “bro” was still alive and standing. Ish, too, had paused for a moment before lifting his head up from his hands, looking around to find that he wasn’t hit with the bat, after all. He looked over to his side, noticing a now broken bat on the ground, the handle was completely missing from the bat, as well as now-obvious signs that the bat was actually made out of metal, with a wooden outer shell to give it the appearance of an ordinary bat.

“Well. There goes fifty bits down the drain.” Jorge sighed.

Shadow blinked, still trying to understand what had just happened right before his eyes.

“Well. You both got my attention.” Jorge closed his eyes as he attempted to calm himself. He sighed once more, opening his eyes slowly as he did so. “I guess we’re going to talk about this instead of using brute force, now.”

Ish looked over to Shadow, who was now calmly walking over to the group, then back to Jorge. “...Did I miss something?”

“No. But apparently we did.” Shadow commented. “The hell were you thinking? Adopting a foal?”

“Well. I was thinking to myself about what would happen when I die of old age…”

”If you ever reach old age…”

“Shut up, cuban.” Ish flicked his hand in a shooing motion. “And I thought to myself… Who would continue to bring all the memes here in Equestria?”

“We never needed anyone bringing memes in Equestria in the first place…” Jorge muttered.

“Shut up Jorge, no one asked for your opinion.” Ish deadpanned, returning back to his story. “So, I thought… Why not have a protege who would continue my legacy when I am no longer here?”

Shadow simply nodded. “So, what lead you to Cryo, here?”

“Oh. Well, long story short: He somehow got lost out here in Ponyville while I was doing my morning walk. And I noticed him looking around desperately for something. At first I thought he was just looking for his parents or some shit like that, and then he ended up hoping I’d know where the orphanage was, seeing how tall I was to be able to see it.”

“I’m so glad that was ‘long story short’.” Jorge rolled his eyes.

Ish simply ignored the cuban. “And so he started telling me about all the shit he went through back in the orphanage, and how he hoped that one day a family would come and adopt him. So, I figured, why not kill two birds with one stone, and help the poor guy out, y’know?”

Shadow paused for a moment to take in Ish’s story, nodding all the while. Shortly afterwards, he had came to a conclusion.

“Ish. You can’t just simply adopt a foal like that!” Shadow deadpanned. “It doesn’t work that way! Take him back, right now.”

“That’s not how it works, I already signed the papers and everything. You don’t just simply take him back!” Ish crossed his arms. “I have full custody over him, now!”

“You’re forgetting one thing.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m a fucking Prince.”

“Of what? Bullshit?”

“Prince of Bullshit…” Jorge muttered. “That kinda makes sense, if you kinda think about it… I’m gonna have to talk to Celestia about that…”

Shadow deadpanned. “Jorge. Now’s not the time.”

“But ‘Prince of Bullshit’ sounds freakin’ hilarious!”

“Jorge…”

“Like, remember those ‘Prince of Persia’ games? I’m imagining that, but with bullshit instead of Persia.”

“Jorge!”

“What?” Jorge blinked, having completely forgotten what the whole argument was about.

“Ish. The colt. Remember?” Shadow raised an eyebrow.

“Oh right…” Jorge nodded, immediately deadpanning Ish. “That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen you do, Ish. It even hit the news!”

“Damnnn… That fast?” Ish raised an eyebrow. “Makes sense considering how you two found out when I’ve literally said nothing to you guys ever since you got your waifus pregnant…”

“That’s besides the point.” Jorge and Shadow reply in unison.

“You’re right. The point is: I don’t give three fucks if Shadow’s a prince or a fucking God, Cryo stays with me.” Ish crossed his arms. “If you shitheads don’t like it, then ‘ay lmao.’”

Cryo slowly peeked his head out from behind Ish’s legs, looking up at the two adult stallions in front of him.

“Besides…” Ish shrugged. “If I can handle my stupid brother, I’m pretty sure I can handle Cryo. He’s a pretty chill kid. And it’s not like I can’t support him. I have a job and my own apartment, remember?”

Jorge and Shadow look at each other, shrugged, then looked back at Ish.

“I guess we’ll give it a shot.” Shadow muttered. “But if you screw up badly one time, Ish... I’m taking that foal off your hands.”

“‘Aight fam. We gucci.” Ish reached his arm out, waiting for Shadow to reach out his hoof so they could officially seal the deal with a hand/hoofshake .

Shadow simply looked at Ish’s hand with narrowed eyes, then back up to Ish’s face. Only to extend his wing, and slap the asian in the face.

“The fuck mannnn…?” Ish rubbed his face, staring daggers at the canadian.

“That was a warning slap.” Shadow pointed a hoof at his face. “I mean it, Ish. Screw up, and you’re gonna get a lot more than just that.”

“Chill, fam.” Ish attempted to pat Shadow’s back, trying to reassure the grey pegasus. “I’ve matured. I can take care of the boy.”

“I kinda find that hard to believe, Ish…” Jorge threw his two cents in.

“Find what hard to believe?” Ish raised an eyebrow.

“That you matured.” Jorge bluntly replied. “That’s never going to happen.”

“Fine.” Ish crossed his arms. “You’ll see. In a few weeks, Cryo will be well memed, and you two will have no choice but to shut up and see how wrong you were.”

Jorge and Shadow looked at each other with narrowed eyes, then back at Ish.

“We’ll see about that.” Shadow monotoned.

Jorge nodded. “We’ll be checking on you every so often. So you better make sure you keep him safe, healthy, and happy. Otherwise, we will take him away from you, and we wil—”

“Just shut up already…” Ish rolled his eyes. “I get it. You’ll take him away, and you’ll bring Celestia to shove the statue of liberty up my ass or something.”

“As long as you’re aware of that. Then we’re good.” Shadow turned around, and began walking away, with Jorge quickly following suit.

”By the way, Shadow… You know you owe me a new bat, right?”

”Yeah yeah, just put it on the royal tab.

”Actually, think I could borrow some money from the ‘royal tab’?”

”No, Jorge…”

”Dammit…”

Cryo finally came out from behind Ish’s legs, walking up in front of his new “bro”, catching his attention.

Ish noticed the bat still lying there on the ground. At first, he hadn’t paid much attention to the bat’s metal core. But now that he was alone and able to think, he was finally able to notice it clearly.

“...So that explains why that bat hurts so much…”