Chapters My Little Panzer, Tanking is Magic!
My Little Panzer
Verdant forests gave way to rolling, grassy fields that stretched lazily forward until they met steep rocky outcrops that made up the foot of the mountains. A gentle breeze disturbed the grass in waves and the leaves of the odd bush and stray tree that stood scattered haphazardly about. The sun shone bright and clear overhead with barely a cloud to cast a shadow, and all that broke the silence and serenity was a flock of colourful birds, chirping and singing to each other in the warm, tranquil afternoon sun.
Abruptly they fell silent as something new disturbed them, before with unerring unity and precision they took flight, fleeing as fast as their wings could carry them.
Distantly, almost indiscernible at first, but growing with each passing moment, a new sound could be heard in the depths of the forest. A discordant, mechanical cacophony of vegetation being crushed and demolished mixed with squeals and squeaks of steel and a powerful base rumble.
Louder the noise grew, until several large, blocky shadows took shape at the edge of the forest. Halting there, the noise of their advance stopped, save for the deep rumbling, now reduced to a low, threatening growl.
For long moments, the shadows remained motionless, as though waiting to see if it was safe to come out, if something, anything might suddenly happen.
Nothing did.
Minutes passed, and still the blocky shadows stayed beneath the shade of the tree canopy, unwilling to leave the safety of the forest to risk open ground.
Then, at some unseen signal, the growling became mechanical roars and with a squealing and clanking lurch, the dark shapes took heart and lumbered out from their cover to begin crossing the fields ahead of them.
Unseen, two figures lay carefully hidden beneath a camouflage blanket amid the rocky outcrops, their normally brightly coloured bodies and manes now covered with drab fatigues and helmets.
“Can you make them out now?” One said to the other, feminine in its tone.
“Oh yeah, clear as the skies.” The second replied, brash and eager, yet still feminine.
…
“So what are they?” The first asked again when it became obvious the second wasn’t about to elaborate.
“Errr…” The second paused, focussing in concentration, “They appear to be… tanks. Yeah, tanks. Seven of them.”
The first took a deep breath.
“What kind of tanks?” She asked.
“Ummm… Big. One of them’s green.”
There came the sound of a face plant.
“Did you even read that book on vehicle recognition I lent you?”
“Sure I did.” Number two sounded hurt.
…
“Every page.” She continued in the following silence.
…
“Cover to cover.”
…
…
…
“Yeah I hardly touched it.”
“Ugh!” Number one groaned, unable to put her frustration into words.
“Oh come on, it was hardly Daring Do at her finest.” Number two whined.
“Just give me the field glasses.” Number one grumbled. “Right, now let’s see what we’re facing.” Another moment of silence followed. “Hmmm, half a dozen BT series, all tier two and three vehicles, light cavalry tanks, very fast, decent guns for their tier, but nothing that will worry us too much, 37mm mostly, and they’re armoured like paper. That KV-1 will be trouble though. Very heavy armour, and that ZiS-5 76mm gun is a real threat and you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?”
“Was is the blank stare or the silence that gave it away?”
Number one sighed again.
“Let’s just get back to the others.” She finished.
The two figures quickly broke cover, and keeping low, dashed over the ridge line behind them. Safely hidden behind it, the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle, cast off the camo blanket, using her magic to quickly wrap it up. With Rainbow Dash beside her, she proudly looked over the eclectic collection of vehicles and crews that were hidden in the dell below and who made up the Ponyville 1st Armoured Cavalry Company, affectionately known as “Friendship’s Own”. Absorbed in going over their vehicles one more time, readying shells, testing sights and radios, they hadn’t noticed her return.
“My little ponies!” She called, and all eyes looked to her, “they’re on their way. To your vehicles and let’s make the folk at home proud.” As one, the members of Friendship’s Own cheered and were quickly scrambling over their tanks, stowing gear away and slamming hatches shut, getting ready to mount up and ride to battle. Twilight quickly galloped over to her own vehicle, a T-34 Obr 1942 affectionately dubbed ‘Little Harmony’, and scrambling up the front plate, she paused to knock on the open drivers hatch, drawing Rarity to stick her head out. Adorning her usually immaculate perm was an Ushanka sporting various shades of purple and pink in a camo pattern with an enormous peacock tail feather standing proudly overhead.
“Yes dear?” The pearl unicorn smiled.
“Start Little Harmony, Rarity, it’s time to roll.” She smiled back before climbing up to the commander’s cupola. As she settled into position atop the hatch, setting her mic and ear phones, Little Harmony rumbled into life, the mighty engine growling as Rarity worked the throttle. Twilight pressed one hoof to the intercom on her throat. “Okay, Spike, can you put me through to the rest of the company please?” She asked,
“Sure thing Twi.” Her oldest friend crackled over the intercom. A click later and he said, “You’re on.”
“Can everypony hear me okay, do we all know what we’re doing?”
“Party cannon ready to drop the confetti on this Par-Tay!” Pinkie cheered over the radio.
“Tank 2 ready to race.” Came Rainbow Dash over the Radio.
“Oh my, why did I agree to this?” Fluttershy whined.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Armoured Reconnaissance Section is go!” Came the chorus of three fillies.
“Eeeyu-“ started Big Mac
“LET’S DROP SOME LEAD ON THOSE MOTHERFU-“ Granny Smith’s radio was abruptly cut off, whether by Spike or Applejack from inside Big Red, Twilight was too busy rubbing her sore ears to worry about.
“I’ll just take that as a yes. Okay, Rarity, time to move out.” She said, returning her headset over her ears.
“Right you are.” She heard her chirp back cheerily. As Little Harmony began turning to head towards the canyons, Twilight rode the movements of the tank easily as Rarity brought the vehicle around, rolling smoothly with its motions as it advanced over the rough ground. She keyed the intercom again.
“All teams, Pony Fore!”
Author's Note
So many characters, and only 5 slots to put them all in!
21st October 2015, edit,
My Little Panzer, Tanking is Magic!
2: All you need is a little harmony.
Chapter 2: All you need is a little harmony.
The broad and tall doors of the old warehouse swung wide with a creak of rusty, worn hinges. Left empty for years, it had the overwhelming musk of dust, mildew, the stale reek of disuse. But there was something else, a scent unfamiliar in an idyllic, clean world. The tang of iron and steel, the thick aroma of grease and oil, all of it as much tasted in the air as smelt. This was the scent of heavy industry.
Blocking the light that spilt through the yawning doorway, eight figures cast their shadows across the floor towards a single, shapeless feature that sat alone within the shadowy, cavernous warehouse.
“I’ve been working on this for a little while now.” Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, said to her seven companions as she led them into the darkness, the sound of their hoofsteps and her voice echoing about. As their eyes grew accustomed to the low light, they saw the shapeless mass was in fact a tarpaulin, carefully laid to cover a large object that dwarfed even Princess Celestia. The corner glowed lavender as Twilight gripped it with her magic. “I wasn’t planning to unveil it until it was ready, but now’s a good a time as any I guess. TA-DA!” She finished, whipping the cover away with an excited flourish.
To call what lay beneath a tank would be no different to calling a pile of bricks and timber a house.
“So what do you think?” Twilight smiled broadly at her quiet audience.
“Seriously, this is what you’ve been up to all this time?” Spike broke the long, uncomfortable quiet. “What’s it supposed to be?
“Equestrias first, actual, T-34! An historic vehicle from an entirely different dimension!” The following silence was deafening. “Well…” Twilight continued, deflated by the underwhelming response from her friends, “it will be… it’s sort of a work in progress…”
“Yeah, minus the progress…” Rainbow Dash said quietly. But her voice echoed in the empty warehouse, and seeing the lavender princess slump slightly her senses of guilt and loyalty spurred her into action. “Oh hey, I didn’t mean anything by that, I just figured that when you said tank earlier, there’d be a little more tank, and a bit less, parts of tank…”
“RD, you ‘ain’t helpin’ none.” Applejack trotted over to the downcast alicorn to put a hoof round her shoulder. “So it’s not finished yet, looks to me like all ya need is a helpin’ hoof or two.”
“Well, Dashie is right, progress has been kinda slow…” Twilight sighed, as though a single breath could express the long hours of fruitless work she had spent banging her head against this problem. “I can unravel the most convoluted magical theorems and formulae, but this…” She paused, trying to put her confusion and frustration into words. Her train of thought was derailed by a loud clang from behind her.
“Well for a start, according to these blueprints you’ve somehow managed mount this differential backwards.” Rainbow Dash poked her head out of the engine compartment, now sporting a large greasy smear across her muzzle. “And the suspension is improperly fitted, I could see that from the door. Lemme guess, it keeps collapsing whenever you try to rest it on the ground, that’s why it’s still on the blocks?”
Twilights weighty frustration suddenly dropped away to be replaced with surprise and confusion, not simply because Dashie had managed to get inside the tank without her noticing, but that she also seemed to know what she was talking about.
“Wait… how do you know any of this?” Twilight asked incredulously, “you hadn’t even seen a real tank until two minutes ago, let alone crawled through its mechanics…”
“Duh Twilight, my first job was working at the Weather Factory in Cloudsdale, I know a thing or two about machinery.” The Pegasus gave one of her cheery grins before dropping back inside the hull.
“Really?” Twilight called back surprised, the thought that the speedster might know anything about anything other than flying, the Wonderbolts and Daring Do had never actually occurred to her.
“’Course, can’t be on the weather teams unless you know how the weather’s made.” Rainbows voice echoed from inside the hull.
“An’ you have to learn your way round a tool kit workin’ on a farm. Just how hard can it be?” Applejacks cheery drawl carried across the room. “Hey, Big Mac, start making yourself useful and help me with this would ya?” She called to her brother while rooting round the suspension.
“Can we get a little light in here? I can barely see what I’m doing.” Rainbow Dash’s voice came from inside the tank once again. As Twilight prepared to fly up and open the sky lights, she saw a golden glow was already doing it for her. Looking round she saw Princess Celestia smiling warmly as her sun shone through, illuminating the interior of the warehouse while Spike, Pinkie and even Princess Luna had set about cleaning up the building.
“Well we can’t have a dirty workspace can we?” Luna told her, seeing Twilights bemused expression as she levitated a pile of random rubbish out of the door.
“No we can’t.” A warm smile spread across the young Princess’ face, seeing her friends rally around her, come to her aid and get stuck in without her even having to ask lifted her heart. “Spike, come with me, we’re going to get some proper cleaning supplies and straighten this place up.”
“Not that I’m unimpressed with your industrious efforts here,” Princess Celestia said to Twilight as she set about bringing an evening the eight friends could enjoy, “but where in Equestria did you manage to lay your hooves on all this?” She gestured to the rows of equipment and parts that now lay neatly arranged and organised about the floor inside the warehouse.
“Well… not in Equestria exactly…” The younger Princess replied, taking a sip of cider she had provided from her castles cellar. After all the effort her friends had poured into the day, treating them all with a barrel of fine cider as they kicked back, felt the very least she could do.
Huge strides had been made tidying up the warehouse, it now looked like somewhere work could be done, and Twilight even had plans to convert it into a proper workshop. Though the tank itself had seen less progress. Between the unfamiliar mechanics and foreign blueprints, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were slow getting to grips with the work that needed to be done. That the blueprints were in a language none of them recognised didn’t help.
“You know how I managed to build the viewer in an afternoon, but was having trouble with the immutable laws of interdimensional physics?” Twilight continued, sensing Celestia’s curiosity in her vague answer.
“Yes…” The Sun Princess replied slowly, with a sneaking suspicion where this was going.
“I may have had a little help over coming them…”
“What sort of help?...” Her suspicions grew large in her mind.
“Hellooo everypony!” A high pitched and cheerily prim voice sang at them, heralding the arrival of Rarity the Unicorn and Fluttershy the Pegasus, shining radiant and graceful as they trotted up the path towards the gang. “Sorry we’re late, but it was a truly manic few days in Canterlot and one just could not resist the temptation for the extra special sea weed and mud bath at the Spa. Honestly Aloe Vera and Lotus Blossom are absolute miracle workers, oh my stars Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!” Rarity gasped. The fashionista quickly bowed before her sovereigns, joined by Fluttershy. It was only appropriate.
“Oh, Rarity, Fluttershy, please rise, you need not to bow to us this evening.” Lunas regal voice was softened by the day’s work, the presence of friends and a healthy dose of cider.
“Oh b-b-b-but I do! You’re the Two Royal Sisters!” Rarity gabbled, making Celestia roll her eyes and Luna straighten up a touch, a vision of royal smugness, “This is so exciting! Oh a chance to spend some time with the rulers of the land, the two most majestic, graceful, elegant and beautiful ponies in all Equestria!” She danced on her hooftips like a filly about to go out on her first date.
“Way to make it weird, Rarity…” Rainbow Dash could be heard, making the fashionista glare daggers at the Pegasus. Unfazed, she quickly sidled over to the royal sisters with stars in her eyes.
“So what have we missed here then?” Fluttershy asked as Rarity fawned over Luna. “This all looks very nice.”
“Twilight was just about to tell me how she managed to overcome the immutable laws of interdimensional physics.” Celestia said to her, turning an expectant gaze on Twilight.
“Oh Celestia, you should know by now that when you’re a being of chaos like me, laws aren’t so much immutable, as much as they are, suggestions.” Twilight told her in an un-Twilight baritone with a broad grin and a smug flourish. She just as quickly clapped her hooves over her mouth, her eyes plastered with shock. “Discord!” She screamed in her own voice as a disembodied, hysterical cackling floated about.
“Oh that was just beautiful, you should have seen your face Twilight!” The spirit of chaos appeared in a flash. “In fact I could help with that, check out these.” His serpentine body flopped over twilights back and with a snap of his clawed fingers a trio of photos appeared. He cuddled up close so they could both enjoy the pictures. “This is the one of you being me, that’s a keeper, and this is the one of you absolutely horrified about being me, though I can’t imagine why, and this is the one of you about to slap me- hang on...” He yelped and retreated rubbing one sore cheek while Twilight pouted angrily with her hooves crossed. “Well, in that case no copies of these for you.” He stuck out his tongue.
“Well you know what they say Twilight, speak of the devil.” Celestia tittered.
“Oh Celestia!” Discord gasped, “What an awful way to speak of our dear, sweet Fluttershy!” He disappeared in another flash before reappearing next to the graceful yellow Pegasus, covering her ears protectively.
“Oh my, did I do something wrong?” Her graceful voice was etched with worry for fear she’d done something to upset somepony. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Don’t worry Fluttershy,” Twilight cantered over to her friend, carefully prying Discords fingers away, “just Discord, being Discord. So how was Canterlot Carousel?”
“Oh darling, Sassy Saddles is doing an amazing job,” Rarity said, “the fashion show was marvellous success, she got Hoity Toity, Photo Finish and Snap Shot all there to shoot and review the new line. Even Fancy Pants was there! Dear Fluttershy did such a superlative job modelling, he couldn’t help but be taken. Photo Finish even tried to convince her to restart her modelling career.” She finished with an excited giggle.
“Of course I said no thank you.” Fluttershy blushed, “I’ve tried the life of a model before, and it’s not for me. I was just helping Rarity.”
“And you did a fantastic job.” Rarity assured her. “Even Discord managed to behave himself long enough to let the show go without a hitch.”
“I was just being a good and supportive friend,” he defended his innocence, as though the very idea of unleashing random havoc and mischief never once occurred to him, “and I’d like to think my little flourishes spiced up the after show buffet.”
“I hardly think drinks and hors d’oeuvres serving themselves, and a coat stand trying to chat up Fleur Dis Lee counts as ‘spiced up’, but it certainly made things… interesting.” She grudgingly admitted. “So what have we missed here, how did the matches go?” She asked, eager to learn what had transpired in their absence.
“Paris won their assassination match against Munich,” Rainbow was quick to speak up, “Tokyo on points and best of all,” she paused for twenty percent more dramatic effect, “Yorkshire by annihilation!” She directed all her smugness at Applejack.
“Alright, fine, ya got yerself a full barrel o’ special reserve, wi’ your name on it.” The work horse huffed impatiently at her friend. “Any chance of us movin’ the conversation forward, ya startin’ to sound like one of granny Smith’s old, stuck records.”
“Yeah,” Dashie stretched, victorious, “I think I’ve managed enough gloating for one evening.” She smiled up at the darkening sky.
Soon night began to fall as the friends cheerily ignored the time, a second barrel of cider had been cracked open to ease its passing. Celestia had finished lowering the sun and Luna brought her moon up into the clear sky, full and radiant like her buoyed mood, it shone clear among the twinkling stars, painting the serene Equestria below in shades of silver.
Fluttershy was the first to make her excuses, closely followed by Rarity. Their busy few days in Canterlot had worn them out. Big Mac was next to head home, Sweet Apple Acres wasn’t far, but Applejack fancied staying a little longer. He figured she just wanted to stay up longer than Rainbow Dash, get a little pride back. He shrugged to himself, that was her choice, and she’d likely be up early anyways, even if all that cider gave her a hangover.
As Big Mac left, Rainbow Dash, with the help of more than too much cider, gave in the inevitable and said she’d better hit the hay as well, weaving her way skyward in an unsteady pattern, leaving the others to wind the impromptu party down.
Big Mac was busy checking Sweet Apple Acres for the night, making sure everything was locked up and secure. Stopping first by the old hay barn, he went inside to make sure everything was as it should be.
Suddenly the door behind him closed with a thud. In the darkness he could tell there was another pony inside with him. Instinctively he prepared to defend himself, determined that no intruder was going to find the Apple family easy prey.
“Hey there Big Mac.” A familiar voice slurred in the darkness.
“Miss Rainbow Dash?” He relaxed, “Is that you?” As his eyes adjusted he could make out her outline, swaying slightly.
“Eeeyup.” She replied, imitating his voice, clearly drunk.
“What are you doing here?” He became acutely aware that he was trapped, alone, with an attractive, drunk mare.
“I was hoping Princess Loony didn’t wear you out.” She giggled.
“Now Miss Dash, nothing happened.” He began, but was cut off when the cerulean Pegasus pounced, knocking them both tumbling into the hay. Rolling about, Rainbow Dash trying to get close, Big Mac trying to dislodge himself, there was a loud, hollow bong as they landed on something hard underneath. Rooting around between herself and the squirming Big Mac, Dashie’s hoof found something long and hard.
“Is that you?” She asked.
“Nnnope…”
Princess Celestia relaxed in the cool night air, thoroughly enjoying the nearly forgotten sensation of being comfortably drunk. She could barely remember the last time she got to leave the uptight princess behind and just chill out with her sister and her friends. Even her onetime enemy and constant irritant, Discord, was a welcome companion. Luna, Twilight and Applejack were chatting, something about using moonlight to grow apples so AJ could double her yield, while Pinkie and Spike had nodded off.
“So, my dear Twilight has a tank now.” She said to the spirit of chaos, her mind drifting and relaxed. “Rather a shame she has the only one.” She finished thoughtfully, staring up at the moon. A part of her mind wondered at the beauty of her sister’s duties, and she found herself a little jealous of the quiet serenity of her realm.
“Well, I wouldn’t say that’s entirely true.” He said, grinning as he took another sip of cider. Celestia frowned as it took a moment for her alcohol dulled mind to catch his meaning.
“Oh Discord, you didn’t?” She whipped to face him, her face splitting into a gleeful, broad grin.
“‘Scuse me,” A voice called before he could answer back. “but could somebody please explain why me and Big Mac found a tank under the hay in AJs old barn?” Rainbow Dash swayed her way up towards the gang with Big Mac in tow.
“Dashie, what in tarnation were you and Big Mac doin’ in the hay in the old barn anyways?” Applejack responded first.
“Nothing,” the blue Pegasus answered defensively, “not for want of trying…”
“RAINBOW DASH!!” Applejack roared, lunging at her. But even drunk Rainbow Dash was still faster, and quickly leapt into the skies to avoid the clumsy dive. “Get down here!” AJ commanded her.
“Not happening!” Rainbow Dash’s voice echoed back down.
“You gotta land sometime, and I got all the cider!” AJ yelled up at the sky. “Come on Big Mac, we’re goin’ home!” She turned and strutted imperiously away. It took a moment for Big mac to catch up and turn her in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
Rainbow Dash shouted something in response, but she was apparently unaware she was still gaining altitude, and her voice was lost in the night sky. In the awkward quiet that followed it was Princess Luna who was the first to find the courage to break the silence.
“Are they going to be alright?”
“Yeah.” Twilight replied uncertainly. “I mean, they argue all the time.” She didn’t sound at all convinced. “Maybe we should call it a night, this’ll probably all blow over by morning.”
Twilight sighed as she approached the newly christened warehouse. The last few days had seen it completely outfitted as a machine shop, with everything she and her friends could possibly need to maintain and operate a complex vehicle like a tank. Tools, powered machinery, even a crane to lift pieces of equipment too heavy for the ponies to handle themselves.
But it brought her no joy.
Things had not blown over like she’d hoped, and while the sound of tools being taken to machinery resounded through the cavernous building, the absence of voices did not raise her spirits. It brought her so low to know her friends were still fighting, and despite her best efforts she had yet to bring an end to their feud. Progress had been made on the T-34, at least now it was sitting on its own tracks, but the turret had yet to be fitted and much of the internal workings remained scattered around the floor.
“Are you two still not talking to each other?” She called out to Applejack and Rainbow Dash after seeing them working on opposite ends of the vehicle.
“Oh I’m just fine, it’s her not talking to me!” Rainbow Dash was the first to call back.
“Twilight, could you please kindly tell Rainbow Dash I will be happy to speak to her once I have received an apology in full for the other night.” Applejack stated matter of fact.
“Errr, Raindow, I think-“ Twilight began.
“Twilight please tell Applejack I heard her just fine.” Rainbow Dash snapped back. Twilight gave a resigned sigh.
“Applejack-“
“Twilight, please tell Rainbow Dash that she is being very rude by not letting you finish.” Applejack quickly butted in.
“But didn’t you just interrupt me?” The young princess was getting royally fed up.
“Rainbow Dash, would you be kind enough to say thank you to Twilight for pointing that out and that I’m very sorry.” Applejack called to Rainbow Dash.
“Twilight, Applejack says thank you for pointing that out and she’s very sorry.”
“Applejack, please say thank you to Rainbow Dash for passing on that message and ask her to tell you that I accept your- Oh for pities sake now you’ve got me doing it!” Twilight finished with an angry snarl before stomping angrily away towards the offices that had been set up at the other end of the shop, slamming the door with her magic as she entered.
“I swear, those two get more stubborn every day!” She snapped at nobody in particular as she settled before a desk covered with blue prints and various bits of paper and parchment scattered across it. Normally she would have been shocked by such a mess, an aberration to her sense of order and cleanliness, an itch she just had to scratch until it had gone away. But whenever she came to the shop now, she found she just couldn’t be bothered to tidy any of it up.
She was disturbed from her sulking by a quiet knock at the door.
“Twilight, mind if we come in?” Fluttershy asked quietly with Pinkie Pie just behind her, her voice barely carrying over the noise of Applejack and Rainbow Dash pretending not to have yet another argument on the shop floor. Sounded like they were blaming each other for upsetting Twilight.
“Sure girls, I could use a ray of sunshine right about now.” She smiled sadly at her friends.
“Oh… well maybe I should write a letter to Celestia.” Pinkie joked, entering the room. While Celestia and Luna had been instrumental on that first evening, their duties in Canterlot had kept them away and unable to become involved further.
“There’s an idea,” Twilight smiled at her gentle friend's attempts to cheer her up, “might just scare a little sense into those two. So what’s on your mind?”
They fidgeted for a moment, trying to find either their words or the courage to say them.
“I’m not really enjoying this project, Twilight.” Fluttershy finally managed to say.
“it’s not that we don’t like any of you anymore,” Pinkie added, “but everypony is so miserable now. This isn’t slightly fun.” She drooped.
“And we really don’t like seeing our friends unhappy.” Fluttershy finished their sentence.
“I know how you feel.” Twilight slumped down, resting her chin on the desk. “I’m regretting ever starting this.” She gave a long sigh. “Things just haven’t turned out as I imagined. If you want to walk away, I’m not going to stop you. The happiness of my friends is more important than that lump of steel out there.” She finished bitterly.
“Oh Twilight, we’re not going to just abandon our friends,” Fluttershy tried to comfort her friend, “but I think we need to do something about Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”
“I’ve tried everything I can think of,” Pinkie complained, “balloons, cakes, punch, but those two, it’s like they want to be miserable!” She finished, walking over to the window that over looked the shop floor.
“I’m open to ideas. Everything I’ve tried so far has been a dud.”
“Err, Twilight…” Pinkie said. “You might want to come and look at this…” She sounded worried, and in Twilights experience, what worried pinkie bode ill for everypony.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash were busy ‘not arguing’ over the gun mount for the turret, and they were busy struggling with each other to try and fit it the way round they thought was right. Though neither seemed to be making any kind of progress, and took special delight when the other came up wrong as well.
But the worst of it was the state of the hull itself.
While the two mechanics were busy failing to complete the turret, having been frustrated in their efforts on the main hull, Rarity had arrived and taken it upon herself to begin decorating. With a look of dumbfounded shock, Twilight left the office and cantered over to her friend, who was hard at work, her unicorn magic working in great sweeps over the sloped armour while she hummed a cheery tune to herself.
“Uuuh, Rarity.” Twilight called to her.
“Why hello dear.” She chirped happily. “Doesn’t a little colour really brighten up a room and lift everyponies spirits?” She smiled broadly, gawping at her handiwork, as she quickly swathed the hull with another shade of bright purple. “Pinks and purples are really in this season!”
“Don’t you think that’s a little… bright?” Twilight asked, choosing her words very carefully.
“Dear, just because it’s called camouflage, doesn’t mean it can’t stand out and be noticed!” Rarity never lost her enthusiastic smile, which made it that much harder for Twilight to criticise.
“Actually, yes it does.” She said, further saddened to deflate the one pony in the room who seemed to have any eagerness for the project left. “That’s the point of camo, to not be noticed.”
“Really?” Rarity seemed confused by the idea of using colours to not stand out.
“‘Fraid so.”
“Well… I guess I could tone it down a touch…” She paused, disappointedly trying to gather her thoughts and enthusiasm. “Oh Applejack, Rainbow Dash, what do you think, is it a bit much?” She called to the two mechanics, looking to find a little support. They stopped trying to stare each other down long enough to see what Rarity had been up to, and it was the ever brusque Rainbow Dash who spoke up without missing a beat.
“Oh no,” she oozed sarcasm, “nothing says ‘don’t buck with us’ quite like sequins.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack snapped at her as Rarity gasped, shocked by the Pegasus caustic remarks. “That was uncalled for, no matter how ridiculous it looks!" Rarity burst into tears at AJs off hoof remark
“What?” Dashie snapped back. “Thanks to Rarity, this tank is now officially the fruitiest thing in this town since-“
“Your mane?” Applejack finished for her.
“That’s it, kicking your ass now!” Dashie leapt at the work horse and soon the two of them rolled around the room, throwing punches and kicks at each other as they wrestled back and forth.
“I just wanted to bring a little light and happiness into the room, cheer everypony up a little!” Rarity wailed as Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie tried to comfort her. “Oh, by the way,” she managed to say to the two fighting ponies between sobs, “before I never talk to either of you again, you should know you've been trying to fit the mount upside down.”
Snapped from their brawl by the unicorns statement, Applejack and Rainbow Dash paused their attempts to force each other into a headlock and gave Rarity a blank look, before looking back towards the half-finished gun assembly. They walked over to it, and together they turned the mount over and carefully lowered it into place.
It fitted perfectly.
“How did you know that?” They chorused in utter amazement.
“It says right here on the blueprint.” Rarity said miserably. Twilight, Dashie and Applejack trotted over to the stand next to Rarity and stared down at the gibberish written on the blue paper.
“Hang on, you can read this?” Twilight asked her, levitating her a roll of tissues.
“Well of course dear.” She sniffed, wiping tears from her eyes before realising something important. “You mean you can’t? It’s Yakyakistani dearies, or the human version of it. You know their flax weaving is just superb,” she continued wistfully, “and their wools are the finest, breathes like Sphinx made cotton. I’ve been importing it for years, but they insist on writing everything in their language. Took a while to get the hang of it.”
“This is perfect! I’ll be right back, we need parchment, quills and ink!” As she rushed back to her castle, Twilight beamed with a confidence and enthusiasm for the project she hadn’t felt in days.
With Rarity translating the blueprints, work on the T-34 burst ahead once again. Being able to read and interpret them correctly was like switching a light on in a dark room. Suddenly the whole project was filled with a sense of direction, clarity and certainty it had lacked since Twilight had begun work by herself weeks earlier. The once dour and miserable workshop was transformed. The atmosphere was charged with the fervour and excitement Twilight had so longed for.
A feverish energy grasped all the gathered friends pulled together, even Fluttershy took a turn getting her hooves dirty, if only for a short while, and as Celestia in Canterlot began lowering the sun, there came a dull clang of the T-34s turret lowering into place atop the hull, which was now a sensible, dark green. Not exactly the colour Rarity had envisioned, but she had finally accepted the purpose of camo.
As the moon began to rise, the final pieces came together, the last hatch was slammed shut, and the six exhausted but elated friends cheered at their success. Equestria’s first T-34, was complete.
As they congratulated each other, Applejack turned to Rainbow Dash, her hat in her hooves, looking very bashful.
“Hey RD,” she called, and the blue Pegasus turned to her fellow mechanic, a similar embarrassed look on her face. It took a moment for Applejack to find her voice. “I’m, uh… sorry I said your mane was fruity. It was rude, I was angry and I shouldn’t ah done it.”
“Oh hey, it’s okay, we were both angry and said a lot of stupid things. ‘sides,” she added, flicking her mane with one hoof, “it is kinda fruity, hehe.”
“Yeah, but it looks great on you.” Applejack countered, every word sincere. “You stand out, an’ ah know all the stallions love it. Way more than these boring ole locks…” She flicked her own blond mane, sounding thoroughly dissatisfied with the hair fate had granted her.
“Come on AJ, your mane is gorgeous!” Dashie told her, “and you’re strong, fit, you got those cute little country gal freckles. If I were into mares, I’d totally be into you.” She blushed, suddenly realising what she had just said.
“Awww shucks, you’re just teasin’ me now, ‘cause I’d totally be into you too.” AJ blushed back. There was a long, awkward silence. “But neither of us is into mares.” She said quickly.
“Nope, neither of us.” Rainbow Dash agreed very quickly.
“Nope. Just great friends.” AJ agreed.
“Yup. Great friends…” They locked eyes, staring, lost in each-others gaze, slowly leaning in close.
“Okay, breaking this up now,” Twilight barged in between them. “You’re making me feel awkward… You two need rest. Big day tomorrow, we’re getting this finished. Go. Sleep. Read a book. Take a cold shower or something…”
Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rarity were all giggling, having witnessed the brief theatre. Still blushing and embarrassed, Applejack, Rainbow Dash bit their lips with a nervous smile, before bursting out laughing. The six friends all enjoyed their beautiful moment together, the stress and tension of the last several days had been broken and cast aside.
“Thank you girls, thank all of you.” Twilight expressed her gratitude. “This isn’t just a tank, it’s a monument to our friendship and teamwork. And all it took to build her was a little harmony.”
“That’s it!” Rarity gasped. She took one of her paint brushes with her magic, and with a splash of crimson paint, dragged it over the side of the hull in elegant swishes and twirls, finally making her artistic contribution to the project. She dropped the brush back in the paint pot.
“Little Harmony.” Twilight said, reading the flowing, delicate script. “Rarity, it’s perfect.”
“Let’s take it for a spin!” Pinkie screamed, delighted at the sight. The others chorused their agreement, save Twilight.
“What, now? It’s the middle of the night!”
“So? We’ve been at this forever! Let’s have some fun with it!” The pink mare grinned like a lunatic.
“You know what? Let’s do this!” The lavender princess grinned back. Together they cheered and smiled up at Little Harmony, the warmth of their friendship glowing bright within them.
No pony moved.
“So who knows how to drive it?” Fluttershy asked.
…
“BUGGER!”
Author's Note
Hope you all enjoy!
My Little Panzer, Tanking is Magic!
3: Getting the Band Together
Chapter 3: Getting the Band Together
“So when do you think we’ll get to take Little Harmony for a spin?” Rainbow Dash asked Twilight as they strolled towards Sweet Apple Acres, smiling sweetly all the way and batting her eye lids at her friend.
“Are you asking me ‘when are we taking Little Harmony for a test drive’, or ‘when do you specifically get a chance to drive Little Harmony’?” Twilight responded in turn. “And I told you to stop smiling at me like that, it’s awkward. What would Applejack or Big Mac think?” She teased.
“I still don’t see why you’re letting Rarity take first crack at it.” Rainbow huffed at Twilights little dig, giving up the subtle approach, “I’d be a way better driver than she is.”
“And one more time,” Twilight rolled her eyes, this conversation was going in circles, “You’re here because I need you to show me where you found the tank.”
“Big Mac knows.”
“And he’s a little worried you’ll try and jump him again, so why don’t we give him his space? Besides, I need a mechanic to take a look at it, see what sort of condition it’s in.”
“Applejack could do that.” Rainbow persistently refused to let go of her point, but Twilight was having none of it.
“But she doesn’t know exactly where you failed to take her brother for a literal roll in the hay.”
Rainbow Dash gave her friend a dry look.
“You’re going to spend all day torturing me with that, aren’t you?”
“Eeeyup.” Twilight smiled with her best Big Mac imitation.
“Be a little lighter on the throttle.” Rarity told Applejack from the hull gunners position inside Little Harmony, raising her voice over the roaring of the engine. Abruptly the roaring fell to a laboured rumbling, “no, no, that’s too light.” She tried to warn, too late as it spluttered and stalled yet again.
“Rarity! I know what I’m doing.” Applejack said through gritted teeth. She’d spent all morning being told what to do by the fashionista and that damned manual, and the novelty of learning to drive was starting to wear thin.
“Oh, so you were planning to grind metal and stall the engine then?” Rarity smiled back with her brand of proper and polite sarcasm. For such an urbane pony, she could be a razor when she wanted.
“Alright, let’s see you do better.” Applejack challenged her, shuffling out of the driver’s seat and into the turret space behind.
“Very well.” The prim unicorn accepted with a confidant smile, sliding into the uncomfortable seat. “You know, I accept that we need those drab colours on the outside, but I still don’t see why the inside couldn’t use a touch of… sprucing up.” She grimaced at the grimy controls before wiping a handkerchief over them. She was about to put it back in her bag, but taking one look at its newly acquired stains, she decided instead to carefully leave it on the side. She levered herself up and turning around was all set to give the drivers position a thorough clean when she caught the bloody-get-on-with-it look Applejack was giving her. She coughed nervously.
“Maybe later on then?” She smiled with a little embarrassed laugh, settling back into the seat. “Let’s see…” She produced her reading glasses, perched them on her nose and carefully set the driving manual where she could read it. After a minute of mumbling to herself while she went through the instructions and familiarised herself with the various controls, “Now pay attention.” She said, gripping the gear stick with one hoof and giving it a tug.
It refused to move.
She gave it another tug, but still it stubbornly stayed put.
Feeling Applejacks smug look boring into her back, Rarity took a deep breath, gripped the reluctant stick with both hooves, put her weight behind it and a few lady-like grunts and shoves later, she found what she hoped was neutral. She turned gave her friend a smug look of her own, before settling back and pressing the starter motor.
With a whine and a whir, Little Harmony barked into life and settled into a low growl that vibrated through the hull. She checked the manual again to be sure, and worked the controls, the stubborn gear stick playing along this time as she carefully applied the throttle just enough to keep the engine alive. There was a judder as she found a gear, an abrupt lurch, and Little Harmony began rolling under its own power, the tracks squeaking as it did.
“Okay… wow… how’d ya manage that?” A humbled Applejack asked.
“A lifetime with sewing machines darling, you pick up a knack for these things.” Rarity smirked proudly at her friend.
“Sewing machines are a mite different from tanks.” AJ explained to her.
“Have you seen the size of an industrial loom dear?” She peered sardonically over the rim of her glasses.
“Point taken.” Applejack admitted, before raising up to look through the commander’s periscope, noting that the garage door was actually moving away from them. “Uh, Rarity, you know we’re going backwards, right?”
“Hmm?” She asked, checking Applejacks observations. “Oh blast! One moment!”
“So this is where you tried it on with Big Mac?” Twilight asked Rainbow Dash. They were inside the Apple families old hay barn, and looking round there was little to suggest anything out of the ordinary. It didn’t get used much, only when the barns closer to the farm house got full.
“Yes…” Rainbow Dash was getting tired of the ribbing, “this is where we found the tank .” She stressed.
“And then you tried to bang him?” Twilight snickered.
“No, I tried to bang him first, then-“ Rainbow Dash stumbled over her words, flustered and blushing, “Would you knock it off with your, oh-so-subtle digs?!”
“Would you prefer I got drunk and tried to jump you instead?” Twilight was enjoying having one over on Rainbow Dash for once.
“I hate you so much right now.” She glared at the Princess, who was struggling valiantly against the need to fall over in hysterics. “I was pretty drunk at the time, but I think I was by the door, then I… you know… I jumped at Would You Stop Giggling ?! I’m pretty certain we landed in that pile of hay at the back there.” Rainbow finished with a gesture towards the unkempt stacks.
Twilight was too busy sucking her cheeks in to say anything. She simply squeaked her acknowledgement and carefully walked to the hay pile, her sides shaking with barely suppressed laughter. She began rooting through the hay, moving piles about and she searched for anything hidden underneath. Rainbow Dash joined her, and together they carefully worked their way through the rough heaps.
“Am I going to need to wash my hooves if I find any stains under all this?” Twilight innocently asked.
“I going to park a hoof up your flank in a minute!” Dashie snapped. After a few minutes of fruitless searching they spread out to cover more of the ground. They searched in silence, partly because Rainbow Dash was sulking, but also because Twilight was running out of material.
“Rainbow!” She called excitedly.
“I swear to Celestia if you make one more gag-“
“Isn’t that was Big Mac’s for?”
“That’s it! I’m outta here!”
“Sorry, sorry!” Twilight called to her friend. “I just couldn’t resist one more good poking…” Rainbow Dash gave her another dry look, waiting patiently for the follow up. Twilight stared back innocently in silence. The two of them stayed there, silent, staring at each other, waiting for the other to blink.
“Bow-chika-bow-wow.” Twilight blinked first. “Wait! Seriously, I did actually find something!” She chased after Rainbow Dash as the cerulean Pegasus strode out of the barn.
The two friends were sat together at the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres waiting patiently for Rarity and Applejack to arrive with Little Harmony. They chatted about the weather, tanks, and things in general to pass the time, Twilight had even stopped making crude jokes about the other night at last. At least for the time being.
“Where are those two?” Rainbow Dash was never any good at sitting around, even at the best of times. The closest she could generally manage to being patient was napping.
“When you asked me that five minutes ago, the answer was I don’t know.” Twilight told her. “The five minutes before that, it was also, I don’t know, the same as it was the five minutes before that, and the five minutes before that.” Her ears perked up abruptly. “This time however, the answer is just coming over the rise over there.” She pointed, where, to the rising noise of a rumbling engine and caterpillar tracks, Little Harmony could be seen, cresting the rise on the road towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Though the two of them had watched many Panzerfahren broadcasts together, it had not prepared them for the spectacle of an actual tank in motion. There was something awe inspiring, and a little frightening, about watching nearly 30 tons of steel in motion. The undeniable power, the air of threat and terrible intent it carried with it. That such power and purpose was at their command. It was both intimidating and exhilarating at once.
Atop the turret, riding the commanders position, Rarity was could be seen speaking into the intercom with one hoof at her throat. Coming closer, Little Harmony continued rumbling forwards, without turning away or slowing at it approached Twilight and Rainbow Dash.
They shared a quick look and prepared to take flight and it loomed before them, before the last minute, there was a clunk, the mighty tank gave a cough and the engine cut out bringing it lurching to a halt before the two frightened ponies.
“Hello you two!” Rarity waved, smiling nervously down from the turret.
“Howdy!” Applejacks voiced echoed from inside before she began clambering out through the driver’s hatch. She struggled a little, unused to the awkward seating and slipped on the front plate, landing heavily on her front with a thump. “That’s not as easy as it looks you know…” she made her excuse as the two winged ponies helped up back up.
“Not the most graceful dismount I’ve ever seen, you alright?” Twilight asked her.
“Yeah, ain’t nuthin’.” The work horse smiled cheerfully.
“I must say, it is a touch… cosy inside.” Rarity added, clambering down from the turret, carefully keeping her hooves on the various hand holds and rails.
“I seem to recall the tanks on the viewer being handled a little more gracefully.” Rainbow Dash referred to the rough drive. “You stalled the engine to stop it didn’t you?”
Applejack and Rarity gave each other sheepish looks.
“Errrr…. We’re still coming to grips with the finer points of driving. So where’s this new tank you found?” Rarity quickly changed the subject.
“Right this way.” Twilight lead them off, heading for the barn. “Hard to believe it’s been laying around in there all this time and no pony noticed.”
“Isn’t that how you got your hooves on Little Harmony?” Rarity asked her.
“Sort of,” Twilight’s voice was a little uncertain, “I had a little help from Discord...”
“You think he’s up to something?” Rainbow Dash asked and Twilight gave her a wry look. “Right, silly question.”
“And here we are.” The princess called entering the barn. Inside, between two rough piles of hay, sat a squat, boxy looking vehicle with a short, cylindrical turret on top. “Rainbow says that apart from the dust and dirt from being stuck under all that hay, it’s in pretty good condition.”
“It’s so different from Little Harmony.” Rarity observed, it’s compact, angular design at odds with the sloped shapes of the T-34.
“Well yeah, there were dozens of tank designs, don’t you remember from Panzerfahren?” Dashie told her. Rarity simply shrugged.
“I’m more into style dear, the brutish rough and tumble of armoured sport doesn’t appeal to me nearly as much.”
“Looks like that ole barrel and press we used to have for making hard cider.” Applejack joined in. “Big Red we called him.”
“This is a Valentine Infantry Tank,” Twilight informed them, “mark 3 I believe, though it may be later depending on what engine is mounted, but you can get a rough idea from the turret, the front plate was moved forward on this model and there’s a larger rear bulge.” Twilight explained, slipping into geek mode, “Small yes, slow, also yes, but extremely well armoured for its time and surprisingly light, and the quick firing two pounder gun is more than a match for anything in its own weight class. Many heavier tanks too.” She rattled on.
“So, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity had climbed up on top of the driver’s compartment and was inspecting the main gun, “does this remind you of anypony?” she asked with a suggestive wink.
“In fact, no, it does not.” Rainbow Dash snapped at her with a twitch in one eye. “You know why? Because Big Mac is bigger!” She swept out with a flick of her tail, leaving stunned silence in her wake.
“You sure Little Harmony can tow Big Red?” Applejack came over the intercom from the hull gunner’s position, having already christened what she had apparently decided was her tank.
“Very sure.” Twilight called back, riding the commander’s hatch with Rainbow Dash parked below her on the tanks floor in the loaders position. Little Harmony rumbled forward at a pace, heading for the farmstead. “Unless you fancy giving it a shot? Bear in mind, a Valentine is little over 16 tons.”
“Hmm…” Applejack pretended to give it a moment’s thought, “when you put it like that, why don’t we let Little Harmony have first go?” The four friends gave a little laugh.
Shortly they came upon the farmstead, planning to find some heavy duty chains and a strong trailer that would let them tow the Valentine.
“Okay Rarity, bring us to a stop here.” Twilight called to the pearl unicorn, who had taken the driver’s seat, intent on showing Applejack how it was done.
Little Harmony rumbled onwards.
“Uh, Rarity, you can bring us to a stop now.” Despite Twilights urging, Little Harmony showed no sign of slowing or changing course. “Rarity-“
“Yes dear, I’m working on it.” She chirped back.
“Any chance you can work a little faster please?” Panic began to set in, and Twilight slowly retreated back inside the turret.
“Patience is a virtue.” The pale unicorn sang.
“Not right now it isn’t!”
“Ah! It’s okay, I think I have it.”
After a hard, sweaty morning working the fields, Big Mac was enjoying a well-earned hot bubble bath. Applejack was away with her friends, Applebloom was off crusading somewhere and Granny Smith was visiting relatives in Apploosa, leaving him with the rare treat of having the place to himself for a while. So he was making the most of it by taking the time to relax, pamper himself a little and have a bit of time with Smarty Pants.
“Trot outside and you see the sunshine, something’s in the air today,” he hummed in his deep baritone, dancing Smarty Pants from side to side as he did. “Sky is clear and you’re feeling so fine, everything’s gonna be a-okay,”
The wall exploded sending plaster and bits of wood tumbling and crashing about, filling the bathroom with great, choking clouds of dust that left him coughing and covered everything with a layer of powder and debris.
As the last few bit of loose timber and wall clattered to the ground and the dust cleared, Big Mac, still in his bath, opened his eyes and found himself staring at the broadside of a tank.
“Is everypony okay?” A voice echoed from inside.
“Open it up, I need air!” Somepony coughed back.
Hinges squeaked and the turret and driver hatches were thrown open sending more bits of rubble that was once the wall of the Apple Families bathroom tumbling to the floor. From the front of the tank Rarity emerged, waving a hoof to clear the air as she coughed. Looking round she blinked a couple of times to clear her eyes and spotted Big Mac in the bath.
“Oh my!” she blushed and quickly retreated back inside.
From the turret hatch, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle half climbed out, likewise coughing and waving hooves in a futile attempt to find fresh air. Twilight looked round trying to figure out just how much damage they’d done when her eyes found Big Mac and went wide as she blushed.
“So Twi, where’d we crash anyway, whoa…” Rainbow Dash trailed off as she turned to Twilight and followed her eyes.
Staring up at the two mares, Big Mac became acutely aware of his situation and surreptitiously adjusted his bubbles in a bid to protect his modesty.
“Oh hey Big Mac,” Rainbow Dash smiled, leaning on the rim of the turret with a faked nonchalance, giving him her best cocky, sultry grin. An image ruined by a layer of plaster dust “so, ahem, how’s it hanging?”
“RAINBOW DASH!” Applejack appeared behind and dragged her protesting friend back inside the tank, leaving Twilight and Big Mac alone in the ruins of the bathroom.
“So….” Twilight began, nervously tapping her hooves on the roof of the turret while she tried not to ogle her friend’s older brother. “Having a bath then?”
Big Mac looked about, equally nervous.
“Eeeyup.”
“That’s good.” Twilight nodded. “I like baths. Oh hey, Smarty Pants, I wondered what happened to him.”
“Twlight.” A southern drawl growled at her from inside the tank.
“Yes, right, sorry about this, we’ll get out of your bath now. I mean not that I’m in your bath with you or anything. We’re just getting off – Out! We’re getting out! Of your bath! Which I’m not in! ‘Cause you’re in there! But that’s not me saying you’re not good enough to share a bath or anything with because you are and I’m not better than you it’s just that we’re not in a bath sharing type of relationship-“
“TWILIGHT!” AJ roared, cutting short her friends inane, panicked babble.
“Yes! Right! Okay, let’s get out of here.” She carefully fixed her eyes forward and away from the fine example of stallionhood in the bath.
“Real smooth.” The blue Pegasus’ sarcasm oozed from every syllable.
“Shut up Rainbow Dash. Rarity, ease us back out of here please.”
With a shudder, Little Harmony came back to life, its engine growling a Rarity worked the throttle.
“Okay Rarity, just ease us backwards, nice and slow.” She turned to watch behind and guide the tank backward.
Little Harmony growled some more, the gearbox clunked as the fashionista at the controls worked the levers, before the vehicle violently lurched forward, ploughing through the other wall and bringing what remained of the ceiling down in a fresh cloud of rubble and dust. The engine revved and the gearbox crunched and clunked a few more times, before slowly and carefully it began creeping backwards through the devastated ruins of the bathroom, crunching chunks of plaster and wood as it rolled over them.
“Really sorry about this…” Twilight apologised to Big Mac again as Little Harmony trundled through once more and rolled away.
In the silence following their departure, there was an ominous creak, and with little warning the far wall of the bathroom gave way with a crash, leaving Big Mac quietly alone with his thoughts, covered in dust, sitting outside on a warm summers day, in a hot bubble bath.
“If you find you’ve got the music, got the music in you!”
It was with a great sense of relief that afternoon when they finally managed to bring Little Harmony and Big Red back to the workshop without destroying anymore of Applejacks home. Like navigating a makeshift obstacle course, Rarity, with the aid of some quite specific threats from Applejack, quickly learned the ins and outs of managing Little Harmony in motion. She even got the hang of stopping without stalling the tank. More or less.
As Rarity brought Little Harmony into the workshop with Big Red on its trailer behind, the four friends, exhausted from their work, dismounted and looked about the workshop in slack jawed surprise.
“Why hello your highness, ladies.” Filthy Rich wandered up to them, extending one hoof in greeting. “It is a pleasure as always to see you all in such good health.”
“Good afternoon Mr Rich,” Twilight replied, staring about in wonder, “I’d ask to what we owe the pleasure, but I think that question is a little redundant.”
“Indeed it would appear so.” He gave a short laugh and a wide gesture. “What do you think of them?”
Twilight wandered forward to inspect the workshops new occupants, her mind automatically searching for details and supplying answers even through the haze of confusion.
“Jagdpanzer 38, Hetzer,” she mumbled, wandering round one, it’s small, steeply sloped hull lacked a turret, but a single long barrelled gun jutted menacingly from the front. The vehicle next to it was similar, compact, sloped armour, though it lacked the hull gun and instead carried a small turret atop. “French, Somua S35 cavalry tank…” she continued, before moving on to analyse the next two, “American, M5 Stuart light tank and a British Commonwealth Crusader cruiser tank, how in Equestria did you come by them?” She was amazed by what she was seeing.
“Remarkable aren’t they?” Filthy Rich smiled back.
“This one’s my favourite!” Pinkie screamed, making them both jump, “I have a new Party Cannon.” She cooed, dangling from the gun of the Hetzer with a big, goofy grin on her face.
“Errr, yes, they certainly are,” Twilight replied with an uncertain look at her friend, “but, where did they come from?” Her interest was piqued. Though she had arranged for Little Harmony as a curiosity, an experiment, the presence of these other vehicles was unexpected to say the very least.
“That much I could not say,” Filthy Rich told her, wearing his own look of confusion at Pinkies antics, “a couple of my employees found the, what did you call it, Hetzer? Just behind my corporate headquarters a few weeks back. Shortly after, the other three were similarly stumbled upon, and I realised the best pony to deal with them was your good self.” He finished with a smile.
“Wait you just found them? But how? They shouldn’t be here, and how exactly am I the best pony to deal with this?”
“Well, your knowledge of the sport in question, and you can rest assured if these are here, then no doubt others will be, right?” He replied with a wink. The kind of wink that says, I know the game you’re playing and I’m in. Which would have been great, were Twilight actually playing a game. “Why don’t we call these four a little sponsorship, for when the starting gun fires.”
Twilights mind was a whirl as Filthy Rich left. Apparently, she was up to something, but Celestia alone knew what that was.
Or maybe someone else did.
“Pinkie? Have you seen Discord?”
“Lots of times!” Came the response.
Twilight simply sighed, should’ve seen that coming. Leaving Pinkie to drool over her new self-propelled artillery piece, she decided to take a proper look at the new acquisitions.
Aside from being in need of a coat of paint, they were in pretty good shape as far as she could see, though she would have been the first to admit she was no expert mechanic. There were signs that work had been done to them, clean metal in places, new looking components and fresh grease were evident. It was clear that Filthy Rich had some of his employees give them a once over, his business empire was certainly large enough for him to have a few mechanics in his employ, but it would still be prudent to have Rainbow Dash and Applejack check them out once she had got her hooves on blueprints and schematics.
It occurred to her she was going to have to start hiring crews at this rate.
She found Rainbow Dash starring, wide eyed at the M5 Stuart. Coming up behind her, she gave the Pegasus a start when she tapped her on the shoulder.
“Twilight!” Dashie snapped out of her revere as the lavender princess moved in front of her to inspect the light tank, which considering it weighed around 16 tons struck her as kind of a misnomer. Must be a question of scale. “You got these off Filthy Rich?” Rainbow Dash asked her, awed and impressed.
“Apparently…” She replied turning to face her friend, at a loss to what to think on the situation.
“So beautiful,” Rainbow croaked, choking up, starring at the Princess.
“Rainbow Dash, are you crying?”
“I think I’m in love.” Her friend ginned madly at her, a tear escaped her eye a tricked down her cheek.
“Uuuuh, well this is a little awkward,” Twilight blushed, rubbing her mane with one hoof, trying to figure out just what else could go weird today, “thanks, I’m flattered and all but, hey…” she finished as the blue Pegasus pushed past her to hug the M5.
“I love you Tank 2.” She squeaked joyfully.
“Wait, what?...” Confusion quickly turned to indignation, “am I not good enough for you or something?” Twilight stomped a hoof in an outraged huff and stormed away, mumbling about ingrates, all the hard work she does and how Tank 2 had a fat flank.
Rainbow Dash, looked up from her cosy embrace at Twilights retreating form.
“Huh? What got into her?”
As the sun slowly slipped towards the horizon, painting Equestria in gold, Rarity found Applejack relaxing, laid back on the roof of Big Red, the fading orange light pouring through the open workshop door. Climbing up, she coughed nervously and sat next to her friend, awkwardly trying not to look at her, yet maintain eye contact at the same time.
“Applejack Darling,” Rarity shyly rubbed one foreleg against the other, “I’m, ah, terribly sorry about wrecking your home, can you ever forgive me?” Her big, sapphire eyes were sad with remorse.
Applejack peered out from under her hat, regarding Rarity thoughtfully as she took her time answering.
“Ah, don’t fret none,” she finally assured her friend sitting up, “I’m sorry I lost my temper back there. Been lookin’ fer an excuse to fix up the ole farmstead anyways, and you can always…“ she had been about to say help, but then she pictured Rarity in the act of physical labour, “err… you could…“ Sew her up a pretty dress? When was Applejack going to need a pretty dress? “There’s… aahhhh… errrr… hmm. You know what? I’m sure something’ll come up, so yeah, all is forgiven.” She laid a hoof over the pearl unicorns shoulder and together the two friends settled to admire the sunset.
Across the workshop, Twilight found Discord with Fluttershy in her office, making paper airplanes and origami creatures to serve them tea. Between the paper, tea and crockery, it wasn’t going well, but at least Discord was slowly picking up the art of cleaning up after himself.
“Hey guys, how’s your day been?” She asked them with an air of cheeriness.
“It’s been oh so nice, we’ve had tea, and met lots of ponies today, there’s so much interest in what we’re doing here.” Fluttershy was the first to reply, her normally reserved, shy grace briefly overtaken with excitement.
“Why hello Twilight, I see you’ve managed to pick up yet more for the collection?” The Spirit of Chaos wore the grin of a cat that got the cream.
“Yes, funny that,” Twilight’s tone grew dry, “I don’t suppose you have any idea where all these tanks keep coming from?” She raised an eyebrow in accusation.
“Oh!” Discord gasped in shock. “I am hurt that you could possibly accuse me of- oh who am I kidding, yes it was me!” He grinned maliciously. “But a much bigger question begs to be asked, what are you going to do with them all?”
Author's Note
Wow, what a mad November...Little Harmony (T-34 Obr 1943) Big Red (Valentine Infantry Tank) Hetzer Somua S35 Tank 2 (M5 Stuart) Crusader mk2
My Little Panzer, Tanking is Magic!
4: Tuning up the instruments
Chapter 4: Tuning up the instruments.
“Welcome back, Spike.” Twilight Sparkle smiled down fondly from her perch, sat atop the turret of Little Harmony. “How’s Rose?” She asked, helping him climb up from the bustling town square.
“She’s fine.” He said, apparently unworried about the fate of the poor pony as he settled on the roof next to Twilight, “Nurse Heart says it’s only a mild concussion. She’ll be up and about by tomorrow with nothing worse than a slight head ache.”
“And how’s Lyra?”
“You mean aside from nearly dying of embarrassment?” Spike giggled back. “She’s fine, couldn’t stop saying sorry though.”
“Poor girls, at least they’re both alright.” Twilight replied, showing more pity, “I guess the chance to ride an actual human vehicle was just too much for Lyra to resist.”
“You gotta admit, it was impressive the way she knocked everypony flying like bowling pins in her rush to volunteer.”
Twilight gave him a disapproving scowl.
“I can appreciate enthusiasm as much as the next pony, but I think handing out concussions just to be first in queue is a bit much.” She paused in thought. “Still, if she wants to be our loader that badly, I’m willing to let her try. Especially if it means she won’t blitzkrieg anypony else.”
“Be sure to let her know that when she gets back. She’s convinced she’s blown it.”
The two shared a quiet laugh and took a moment to gaze over the cheery festival that had taken shape around the six armoured vehicles.
With all the interest that had been growing around the workshop and Panzerfahren in general, especially since Filthy Rich had delivered the four new tanks, Twilight decided it was time to show Ponyville what she and her friends had been working on.
Purely in the interests of academic study.
She’d announced they would be putting the exhibits on display for everypony to see and enjoy, and between them, she and her friends had planned to drive the eclectic collection of tanks to the town square first thing in the morning.
Of course, the last thing anypony could ever accuse a tank of is running quietly, and six of them amounting to roughly one hundred and fifteen tons of steel powered by over one thousand eight hundred horsepower, meant her plan to deliver the collection quietly and have it setup before the townsfolk gathered, ultimately proved to be about as workable as Pinkies plan to get Fluttershy inside one of the vehicles, with the aid of surprise and a burlap sack.
That in the end required Rainbow Dash’s intervention, with some careful cajoling and promises of unspecified rewards. And though it did take a while longer than Pinkies attempts, it at least resulted in fewer black eyes.
That aside, the rest of the plan had gone well enough, and though the towns folk were already waiting for them when they drove up, it was with waves and cheers of approval. It looked like the whole town had turned out to see what their beloved princess had been up to, waiting with banners, bunting and a brass band cheerily pomping away. A few more enterprising ponies had even set up souvenir and snack stalls, and were busy peddling tank themed wares to any who were interested. The towns ponies now crowded around the six vehicles, eager to see and learn about the mighty engines arrayed before them, all newly painted and turned out, dressed to impress as Rarity had insisted.
“So how’re the rest of the crews looking?” Spike asked.
“Well the Apples have really taken to Big Red, he’s practically part of the family.” Twilight smiled, pointing over to the Valentine, where Granny Smith could be seen in her old war helmet, parading back and forth in front of the crowd, extoling the virtues of hard work, discipline, and a healthy supply of Sweet Apple Acres brand cider, which by an astonishingly convenient coincidence, Applejack just so happened to be selling at the stall next to them.
“Where’s Applebloom?” Spike asked, noticing the youngest of the apple clan was not with her family where he expected.
“Oh she’s with the other Crusaders. They’re checking out the Crusader, oddly enough. How appropriate.” Twilight mused. It seemed so right to her. “Diamond Tiara is giving them the grand tour, I’m glad they’re getting on these days. Oh, and Rainbow Dash managed to get a crew together too. Looks like Dr Whooves is driving.”
“Him? Isn’t he a little, you know… strange?” Spike hid his mouth behind one hand, as though somehow the eccentric earth pony might over hear him from across the bustling town square.
“I think he likes working with all the mechanical stuff.” Twilight shrugged. “Derpy’s on radio.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope. And Bon Bon is their gunner.”
“Bon Bon?” Spike scratched his head in thought before realising who Twilight meant. “Oh, you mean Sweetie Drop?”
“Who?”
“Sweetie Drop. Cream coat, blue mane with a pink streak, Lyra’s best friend.”
“I thought her name was Bon Bon.” Twilight brow furled in confusion.
“What gave you that idea?”
“Because that’s what everypony calls her.”
“No they don’t, they call her Sweetie Drop.”
“Really? I’ve never heard that before.”
“Huh… so what’s she say her name is?”
Twilight paused as she rummaged through her memory.
“You know, I have no idea… Put it on the to do list.”
“Sure thing.” Spike donned his number one assistant persona and eagerly scribbled it down, producing a parchment and quill from somewhere. Specifically where, Twilight decided long ago that was a question probably better off not pondered.
“Hey guys!” Pinkie waved frantically at them as she bounced out of the turret hatch of Little Harmony before gravity dragged her back inside.
“Hey Pinkie.” Twilight smiled, peering inside the hatch, finding no sign of her hyperactive and bewildering friend.
“Guess who came to see me?” Pinkie shouted, somehow leaping from the engine compartment, shocking Twilight to leap into Spikes arms with yelp. “Go on guess! Guessguessguessguessguess!” She continued, bouncing excitedly on her hoof tips, staring madly at her friends.
“I dunno… Your sister Maud?” Twilight guessed with no certainty as Spike struggled to hold her up. Pinkie halted in mid-air and slowly floated to down onto all four hooves.
“Oooh, you’re gooood.”
“Oh, so it is Maud.” Twilight stepped back down from Spikes shaking arms with a smile. “How is she?”
“Hello Princess.”
“Aaaaah!” She screamed, leaping into Pinkies hooves. Pinkies inscrutable sister, Maud Pie, was standing on the roof of the turret behind her, her expressionless features could have been carved of the rock she loved. “How did you get up here so quietly?”
“I walked.” Pinkies monochrome sister said, her voice carrying all the energy and emotion of a filing cabinet.
“Oh. Right. Well, that story was… factually accurate.” Twilight eventually managed to say.
“Err, Twilight?” Pinkie croaked, straining to hold her up. “Can I put you down now, and recommend you start jogging or something?”
Twilight turned a surprised look at her friend, noticing her valiant efforts to bear her.
“Oh! Sorry Pinkie.” She blushed with an embarrassed smile letting herself down. “Maud just surprised me a little- what do you mean jogging?”
“You know, jogging, light exercise, because you’re…” Pinkie trailed off leaving an awkward silence.
“Because I’m what?” Twilight asked innocently.
“Because you’re… ah… um… oh look! Literally anything else!” She pointed wildly over Twilights shoulder before grabbing her sister and fleeing.
Twilight was abruptly left confused, at a loss to figure out what was going on.
“What was that all about?” She asked Spike, who suddenly became engrossed in carefully studying the majesty of his claws.
“Oh, I wouldn’t have any idea.” He said suspiciously quickly, before nodding towards the other side of the town square where a crowd had begun to gather. “If I had to guess, it’s probably something to do with that ruckus over there.”
“Fracas!” They distantly heard Pinkies voice correcting him.
The sound of a pair of all too familiar raised voices drifted over the square. With a sigh and a weary sense of expectation, Twilight levitated spike onto her back and jumped off Little Harmony, spreading her wings with a flutter to arrest her fall. A short canter and she was soon passing through the crowd, ponies stepping aside as their beloved Princess approached.
“You don’t think Pinkie’s saying I’m fat do you?” Twilight asked Spike as she trotted, a little worried at her friend’s strange behaviour. Well, stranger…
“What? No, don’t be silly. No. No, no, no.” Spike attempted a reassuring tone.
“Do you think I’m fat?” She worried.
“What? No, don’t be silly. No. No, no, no.” He repeated louder.
“You do don’t you?” She deadpanned.
“Oh look!” He panicked, pointing ahead, “Ponies are arguing!” he shouted, before jumping off her back and sprinting off as fast as his legs would carry him, disappearing into the crowd.
Suddenly feeling very self-conscious, Twilight examined herself, rubbing her chin to check just how many were hanging there, poking her belly to see if it wobbled. Just as she was set to start freaking out, a fresh burst of shouting came from ahead. The bathroom scales would have to wait, there was a friendship problem that needed a princess.
Passing through the crowd, she wasn’t remotely surprised to discover the culprits, head to head, waiting for the other to give way first.
“For the love of Celestia, are you two arguing, again?” She asked Applejack and Rainbow Dash.
“It’s not my fault, she’s being over competitive!” Dashie waved an accusing hoof at the orange workhorse, leaning in to push her back.
“You started it, all your talk about how great Tank 2 is!” Applejack snapped, shoving back. “More noise than two angry squirrels on a hickory stump!”
“Nopony asked you to step up!” Dash growled, squaring up, still pushing against the immovable object that was her friend. The two were abruptly engulfed by a lavender glow and lifted into the air.
“Can’t you two go one week without falling out over something?” Twilight separated the two like an exhausted mother, wearily playing referee between two foals. “Can you just try, please, for the sake of my sanity, to be a little less competitive?”
“Oh I can do that easy.” Dashie boasted.
“Ha, I’m way more non-competitive than you are!” AJ challenged her.
“Are not.”
“Are too!”
“Fine!” Twilight snapped, her last nerve, that had valiantly endured their bickering for weeks, finally gave way under the pressure. “You know what? Let’s settle this. Practice battle! One week to prepare, then I’m kicking both your flanks!”
“Fine!” The two squabbling ponies said together, Applejacks confidant grin matched by the eager one Rainbow Dash threw back at her.
“May the best pony win.” Applejack continued.
“Oh I intend to.” Dashie told her.
The two separated, heading back to their tanks, already planning their strategy.
An excited, feverish energy gripped the crowd. Already ponies were talking and eagerly predicting who was going to win. Will the speed and agility of Tank 2 and Team Dash race to victory, or will the armour of Big Red prove every bit as impenetrable as Granny Smith proudly declared. Then what of Pinkie Pie and her Hetzer, newly christened the Party Cannon? Or the nimble Crusader? Even Fluttershy and her Somua S35 had found a following, though she had spent most of the festival cowering behind the tough little French tank, looking as insignificant as possible to avoid answering any questions.
Standing alone as ponies began gathering into groups, Twilight heard her voice spoken. Suddenly aware she was becoming the centre of attention, she started paying attention to what was being said. Listening, she realised Little Harmony was the only tier five vehicle in the collection, all the rest being tier three or four. Technically that meant she had the best tank. And on top of it all, she was a Princess.
The pressure landed on her like unpleasant memories of a potted plant, an anvil, a cart of hay and a piano.
“Oh sweet Celestia, what have I got myself into?...” She thought out loud, dread seeping into her voice.
“So we’re going to have an actual battle?” Spike asked, remerging from the crowd.
“Yeah… looks like I really put my hoof in it this time.” Twilight wilted in the face of the situation her temper had landed her in.
“This, is, AWESOME!” Spike pumped a fist into the air.
“What?”
“Well, yeah, what else have we been building teams for? We get to play Panzerfahren!” His childlike enthusiasm, usually endearing, stuck in Twilight’s mind like a splinter, itching furiously right where she couldn’t scratch it.
“Spike, it’s hardly playing, we’re going to be shooting at each other!” She told him pointedly, levitating him onto her back and walking toward Little Harmony.
“But the protection spell works, right?” He asked, unwilling to let her mood dampen his joy.
“Of course, complete success rate.” Indignation poked through her fug and crept into her voice.
“Then what’s the worry?” Her smiled down at his regal mount, hoping his cheer might encourage her too. “Let’s have a blast! Pun totally intended.” His little quip, though not lost on Twilight, did little to alleviate her worries.
“I’m not comfy about shooting at my friends.”
“But you’re the one who issued the challenge. Can hardly back out now.” He reasoned. “Look, you love tanking on the viewer, but this time you get to be right in the thick of it! It’ll be fun! And with the protection spell in place it’s not like we’re actually going to hurt anypony, right?”
Twilight had to admit, Spike made several good points and there was little room to argue. The match was her idea, the spell and special ammunition would protect the crews while still allowing the vehicles themselves to be damaged realistically, but not beyond repair. And though she hadn’t really given it any conscious thought before, the question now occurred, what other reason was there for collecting and refurbing the tanks, preparing protection spells and enchanted munitions, if not to put them to use?
“You know what Spike?” Twilight starting cheering up. “You’re right, this is going to be fun. It’ll go with a bang!” She sported a big silly grin at her little joke.
Spike was not impressed.
“Just leave the puns to me, okay?”
“Reload armour piercing!” Twilight’s voice carried over the rumble of Little Harmony’s engine. “Rarity, hard left, head for point 4!” Even as she gave the order to Rarity, Lyra was busy hefting a fresh shell up towards the gun breach with hoof and magic to ram it home. Little Harmony roared and began to swing about as Rarity heaved on the controls, guiding the tank in a new direction.
In the commander’s chair, Twilight worked the gunnery controls, bringing the turret round towards the right as the vehicle lurched forward. She quickly found her target as it came into view and worked hard to keep it in the gun sight as they raced over the rough ground.
“Shell loaded!” She heard Lyra shout over the commotion of the vehicle.
She was abruptly pushed towards the front of the tank, the whole vehicle leaning forwards as Rarity stamped her hoof on the brakes.
“Here we are dear!” She chirped over the intercom and Twilight didn’t wait for the tank to settle before squeezing firing trigger.
The gun next to her boomed, sending the shell streaking towards its target and a spent casing clattering to the floor.
Twilight peered through the scope, waiting for the smoke and dust to clear so she could check her hit.
“Shoot!” She snapped.
“You know, you’re supposed to say that before you fire the gun.”
Spikes sarcastic quip, undoubtedly meant in jest, was not welcomed with a hearty giggle. Twilight didn’t stop to retort however, instead she threw the hatch open and grabbed her binoculars to double check what she’d seen through the scope.
The wooden target on the firing range was indeed, unharmed.
“Missed again?” Asked Spike. From his position inside the tank, he had no view of the outside world, save for the tiny sights of the hull mounted machine gun, which would go unused during the match. Rather than respond, Twilight turned her binoculars further down the range to the other three targets she and her crew had been practicing on.
They were unharmed too.
She sighed deeply as the second turret hatched opened and Spike poked his head out allowing him a quick check of the range.
“Wow, you are a bad shot…”
Twilight snorted indignantly with a dark look at her under very real risk of becoming ex-assistant. Spike recognised that snort, and quietly slid back inside as he felt her glaring knives in his back.
“Rarity, can you take us back to the garage please?” Twilight spoke very carefully into the intercom, keeping her voice level and devoid of emotion. Hearing her exaggerated care, Rarity leaned over to Spike as he settled back into the hull gunners seat.
“Oh dear, target practice didn’t go so well?” She whispered to him. Buttoned up inside Little Harmony, her view of the outside world was only a little better than his, limited by the viewport on the hull hatch to watch was directly in front of her, so didn’t surprise Spike that she didn’t know how the target practice had gone.
“’Fraid not.” He said. Normally being in such intimate proximity to his beloved Rarity would only excite and lift him, but he knew Twilight better than anybody, felt her moods keenly, and knowing he had a claw in it dampened his spirits too. “She’s been really bothered by something last few days, and I think I just upset her too.”
“Well, don’t just sit there,” the fashionista admonished him quietly, “talk to her.”
“I will, I will,” he whispered back, “I just need to find a quiet moment, you know?”
“Rarity?” Twilight called to them, having ducked her head back inside the tank. “Is there a problem with your intercom?”
“Loose wire I think.” Spike’s quick thinking saved a blushing Rarity from making her own excuses, it was bad form to gossip about somepony. “it’s okay now, but I’ll take another look at it later on.”
Rarity mouthed a thank you to him, and he winked in response as she began turning Little Harmony back towards the garage.
“Absolutely not!” Applejack stamped a hoof in emphasis.
“Never going to happen!” Rainbow Dash agreed.
To a casual observer, the sight of the two hyper competitive ponies agreeing on something could be interpreted as a sign of the impending end times.
To the Cutie Mark Crusaders however, it meant the heart breaking disappointment of not getting to drive a tank.
“Awww, c’mon sis…” Applebloom whined, pouting and batting her big adorable eyes.
“Yeah, it’s a Crusader, like us.” Scootaloo added. “A Crusader!”
“It’s clearly destiny.” Sweetie Belle reasoned
“Ah don’t care if it’s called an Applescootabelle and was personally delivered to your clubhouse by the very cosmos with a letter signed by Fausticorn herself!” Applejacks face began turning red as she loomed over the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Y’all are not getting in that tank!”
In the momentary silence that followed, Applejack cast an expectant glance to Rainbow Dash, who blinked a few times, her mind working furiously to generate a suitably powerful follow up to Applejacks diatribe.
…
“Yeah!”
…
“Seriously?” AJ asked Rainbow Dash through the side of her mouth, focusing hard on not cringing. “That’s the best you could come up with?” she stopped the cyan pegasus before she could reply, seeing Little Harmony just finished parking. “Hey Rarity, get over here and back me up will ya?” She waved to the pearl unicorn, who perked up hearing her name.
Hope blossomed in the Crusaders hearts as Rarity trotted cheerily over. Surely the element of Generosity herself would be able to convince their elder sisters to let them participate.
“Rarity!” The three of them whined together before anypony else could speak. “Applejack and Rainbow Dash won’t let us crew the Crusader! Can we drive it, can we, pleeeeeease?” They flashed her their big, sad, doleful eyes.
Rarity gave a horrified gasp.
“Simply out of the question!”
Twilight was sat quietly, absently watching the exchange between the Cutie Mark Crusaders and their elder sisters. She had been welcomed back to the garage by the ever bouncy Pinkie, who, bless her giant and easily distracted heart, was trying to treat her friend to a sweet confectionary lunch.
Though in truth she was gleefully doing most of the eating, Twilight merely picked at her cake while throwing the odd jealous look at her oblivious friend.
“Seriously Pinkie, how do you eat like that and not have diabetes and more chins than an oriental phonebook?” She asked as her friend noisily jammed a chocolate sponge cake in her face.
“Dunno, just lucky I guess.” The pink mare grinned back showing off a mouthful of chocolate covered teeth, making Twilight cringe and quickly change subject.
“So how’s your crew coming along?” She asked.
“Hello Twilight.”
“GAAAAAH! Hi Maud… Didn’t see you back there…” Twilight finished, now dangling upside down from Little Harmony’s gun barrel with an embarrassed grin plastered on her face. The expressionless grey mare stared at her blankly for a moment before looking at Pinkie.
“Pinkie, I came to tell you it’s our turn on the firing range. Thunderlane is waiting.”
“Oh goodie! I get to go play!” She giggled, bouncing on hoof tips excitedly. Any pony who didn’t know her might think a sugar rush was kicking in. “Catch you later Twilight!”
“Okay, Pinkie, catch you later.” Twilight let herself down from the barrel, her forced smile quickly fading as Pinkie and Maud headed for the Party Cannon. Alone, she sighed, looking about to see if there was something that might lift her spirits. She spotted Applejack and Rarity still chatting idly, the Cutie Mark Crusaders evidently having gone off somewhere to sulk, while according to her memory Rainbow Dash would be heading out on the obstacle course. “Oh, hey girls, can I ask you a little question.” She called, trotting over.
“Of course darling.” Rarity smiled her elegant, polite smile and AJ too affirmed with a cheery ‘sure’.
Coming up to them, Twilight opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find her words.
“Ummm… girls, do you think that maybe, and feel free not to answer this but be honest if you do, do you think that, maybe, just maybe, I’m getting a little… heavy?”
The two mares shared a look before Rarity before answered hesitantly.
“How can I put this gently?... You know that I’m the element of Generosity?” Twilight nodded. “Well, I appear to have some competition in the form of whoever is cooking your dinners.”
“Thanks…” Twilight said ungraciously.
“And you seem to be getting a little generous about the middle yourself.” Her friend continued.
“Yes, thank you.” Twilight replied tersely.
“Not that it’s a bad look you understand!” Rarity desperately back peddled, trying to undo the damage she realised she was busy inflicting. “The full figure is very much in this season, and you’re looking terribly fashionable.”
Twilight just threw her a dry look before turning to Applejack.
“What do you think AJ?”
“You’re gettin’ fat.” She said without skipping a beat.
“Applejack! Don’t be so rude!” Rarity snapped at her.
“What? I’m the element of honesty.”
“Yes, but not brutal honesty…”
“I ‘ain’t telin’ no lies, Rare.”
“I’m not saying you should, but there’s honesty,” she frowned sternly at her friend, “and then there’s, honesty.” She beamed broadly and brightly.
“Oh yeah, ‘cause that were workin’ so well for you.” Applejack replied with a sardonic look. “What’d ya say, Twilight? Twilight?”
Their friend was nowhere to be seen.
All afternoon Spike had been steadily gathering his courage to apologise to Twilight for making her feel bad on the firing range. He had patiently waited to find her alone, quietly practiced what he was going to say, and it had sounded great. But then Pinkie had arrived throwing that plan into a cocked hat.
So he waited for her to leave. And when she finally did, Twilight didn’t hang around long enough for him to regather his courage again before heading off to chat with Applejack and his lovely, beautiful and radiant Rarity.
It just wasn’t fair, how was he supposed to put things right if ponies weren’t going to clear off and give him the space he needed?
Apparently though, that conversation didn’t go well either. He watched her depart the conversation suddenly, only to hide behind a tank and teleport quietly away while nopony was watching. Few knew Twilight as well as he did, even among their friends, and they might not have seen just how deeply unhappy she was.
The rotund young dragon eventually found Twilight alone, sat at the edge of a copse of trees, away from the garage where she couldn’t be seen. Her face was a mask of focus and concentration, lost deep in serious thought as she would say.
Spike called it sulking.
She didn’t acknowledge him as he approached, simply stared into the middle distance.
“Hey Twilight.” He tried, waiting uncertainly for her to respond. “Uuh, I’m sorry I was rude earlier.” He fidgeted uncomfortably. “I should have been more supportive, should’ve noticed how important this is to you. I’m really sorry.”
Twilight sighed, long, deep and miserable, slumping in every way her body could, head, ears, wings, ever her horn looked ready to sag.
“Oh Spike, this is just awful.” She moaned. “There’s so much riding on this, and I just can’t get it right.”
Ever faithful, Spike sat down on the grass next to her. She was more than a friend to him. She was the closest thing he’d ever know to a mother or a big sister.
“You’ll get it.” He smiled, hoping his best encouraging smile might rub on her. “Not met the problem yet you couldn’t crack.”
“Bless you.” She looked over to him, smiling sadly. She loved that he always tried his best to lift her spirits. Except when there was a conflict of interests involving sleep or ice cream, but mostly he always tried. “But I don’t know if I can get this in time. The match is the day after tomorrow, you’ve got the radio sorted, Lyra is finding her rhythm loading, Rarity is an excellent driver. The weak link on the team is me.” And like that, her smile was gone, leaving her slumping a little lower than before.
“Oh come on Twilight,” Spike pleaded, “your gunnery isn’t that bad. Okay, well maybe it is, but so what?”
“So what?!” Twilight was shocked he could so lightly dismiss the impending disaster with a casual, ‘so what’. “This is important! This will be the first ever Equestrian Panzerfaharn match! It was my idea! I’m the Princess! I’m expected to excel! And be pretty and slim…” She wilted to the ground, a lavender puddle of misery.
Spike raised an eye brow.
“That’s what this is about? You think you’re fat?”
“And ugly.” She mumbled into the grass.
Spike shook his head and took a deep breath, before stepping inform of his dear Twilight and lifted her head to look her in the eye.
“You are not fat or ugly.” He told her with the total certainty of someone who knew something he wished he didn’t. He continued before she could contradict him. “I know this for a fact because I can say, claw on heart truth, and please don’t ask me how I know this, that there are plenty of Stallions, and several mares, in Ponyville and Canterlot who would love to, and I quote, ‘ride that sexy ass into the sunset’.”
Twilight have him a long, suspicious and confused look.
“Really?” It wasn’t the flattered, embarrassed, or even shocked expression he expected, but at least she wasn’t sulking anymore.
“Bet she bangs like a barn door in a hurricane.” He dutifully quoted again, and a little bit of him died inside.
Twilight sat back up, blushing furiously. There was no way her little Spike would have come up with that by himself.
“There’s also been innuendo about Alicorn stamina, a willingness, or even necessity to share if the stamina thing is true, wing play and horn tricks, among other things…” He trailed off.
There was a long awkward silence as neither knew what to say next.
“Okay…” Twilight finally broke it. “Wow, ponies actually think of me that way?”
Spike cleared his throat.
“Bet she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”
…
…
…
The Somua S35 fairly flew across the range, engine rumbling as it rolled effortlessly over the worn ground. Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie watched the French tank smoothly navigate the obstacle course, all three quietly impressed by the excellent work none of them really believed the crew would be able to manage.
“Wow, I did not expect that from our sweet little Fluttershy.” Pinkie marvelled. At first they doubted she’d actually take command of the tank at all. But somepony had to drive it, and all the others were taken, so in the end it was less of a choice, more a lack of reasonable alternatives. “Call her on the radio, let’s see how she’s doing.”
Rainbow Dash flicked a switch on the field radio set beside them.
“Hey Fluttershy, how’re you doing in there?” She asked into the handset, cleverly modified for a pony’s hooves.
“Oh dear heavens, this is terrifying! Let me out!!” The speakers wailed.
“She’s fine.” Dashie confidently nodded.
“Are you sure? Because I think we’ve left her mentally scarred.”
“Y’know, I know Fluttershy is good wi’ animals an’ all,” Applejack spoke up, “but how exactly do a bunch of woodland critters an’ a bear drive a tank?”
“Honestly? I don’t have the first clue.” RD shrugged. “I just accept that it works and go with it.”
All the while, the radio’s speakers continued to bawl hysterically.
Twilight and Spike sat on the grass together in silence, watching the majesty of Celestia beginning to set the sun together. Neither one was quite sure how to continue the conversation, but at the same time it simply refused to die.
“So, how do you know all this?” She asked.
“I asked you not to ask me that.”
“Okay.” Twilight nodded impassively.
…
“You have a fan club.” Spike grudgingly admitted in the silence.
“You mean like Rainbow Dash’s?”
“Sort of… it’s for a certain type of fan…” The young dragon explained nervously. “I was the guest of honour at one of their meetings, before I found out what sort of club it was… it was so awkward. They send you mail from time to time, I’ve been intercepting it…”
Twilight nodded, digesting the information.
“Who’s in it?”
“I kinda promised not to say.”
…
Twilight shifted nervously, trying to get comfortable.
“Do you still have the letters?”
“Say, the match isn’t until the day after tomorrow, so we still have a day to practice.” Spike quickly changed the subject. “Why don’t we get a good night’s sleep, come to it fresh tomorrow?” he asked, but Twilight didn’t seem in any rush to answer. “Look, I know you’re worried it, but just ask yourself, what do you think Princess Celestia would say?”
Twilight pondered that question distractedly.
“She would probably tell me I should relax, take my time and have a little fun. Maybe lift my tail once in a while.”
“I meant about the match!” Spike said with a shudder, he didn’t need mental images of Twilight on the prowl.
“Oh, right…” Twilight blushed with embarrassment. She gave the question a moment’s thought. “You know, oddly, I think she would say exactly the same thing…”
Author's Note
The long overdue Chapter 4! Headsplit , Fracturedheart and Fluffysam .
Please feel free to comment and any constructive critique is welcome
My Little Panzer, Tanking is Magic!
Chapter 5: Opening Riff
“Ah, I see.” An enlightened smile spread across Princess Celestia’s face as she strolled with her young protégé, Princess Twilight Sparkle. “Because both the crew, and the incoming shell carry the same enchantment, the two are repelled from each other, rather like matching poles on magnets.”
“Exactly.” Twilight eagerly basked in her mentor’s approval. “But the really clever part is, the strength of the munition’s enchantment is powered by velocity. The faster the shell, or it’s fragments travel, the more powerful the enchantment becomes, and as they slow, the power falls away. This causes any fragments that threaten crew to rapidly decelerate before falling harmlessly out of the air.”
“Rather than being rebounded back and forth between crews until they either overcome the spell or are launched off in a new direction.” Celestia finished for her. “Very impressive work, Twilight.”
“Thank you,” she blushed, “overcoming problems like inertia and transfer of momentum so crew aren’t thrown around was tricky, but as tempting as it was to rely exclusively on shield spells, a powerful enough attack, or string of attacks, might overcome them.”
“Your consideration and attention to detail does you credit.” Celestia’s warm, motherly smile was always an uplifting experience for Twilight, but now even more so with the stresses and worries of the previous week approaching today’s climax.
“Hey Highnesses!” The cheery voice of Pinkie Pie could be heard as she bounced towards them.
“Hi Pinkie,” Twilight smiled, “you and your crew all ready for today, where’s Maud?”
“Hello Twilight.”
“I’m gonna tie a bell on you.” Twilight grumbled at the stone grey mare as she dangled helplessly upside down in Celestia’s magic, having tried to leap into her grasp with a surprised screech.
“Oh Twilight, you’re so funny.” Pinkie giggled, innocently holding a tray overflowing with confectionary. “Muffin?” She offered, Celestia’s eyes lighting up like stars as she inspected the treats.
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a cake stand in the paddock area,” Twilight mused as she was carefully placed on the ground, “where’d you get those?”
“Muffin Button.” Pinkie smiled innocently.
“What?”
“Muffin Button.”
“Did we install one of those on the Party Cannon?”
“No, silly. He’s over there.” Pinkie corrected with one of her child like giggles, pointing to a blond furred Earth Pony stallion with a pointy black mane.
“Muffins! Get yer Muffins right here! Fresh muffins for sale!” Came his call. The orange shirt clad vendor was pushing a non-descript cart with a generous parasol overhead. Twilight cocked her head to one side as she pondered where he came from.
“Huh… So, Princess, what do you… Princess?” Twilight looked round, confused by the sudden absence of her peer.
“And what delectable treats can I get for you?” She heard Muffin Button ask.
“How many have you got?” Was Celestia’s reply.
Twilight rolled her eyes. Her mentor was lost to her now, at least until her infamous and voracious sweet tooth had been sated. Which would likely take most of the afternoon.
“GAAAAAH!” Pinkie gasped in awe, staring at a new, impossibly large delicacy Muffin Button produced from the depths of his cart. “Is that a triple chocolate, double cream, hot fudge sauce, foot long éclair?!”
“Why yes, it is.” Celestia smiled, a tear forming in her eye. “It’s beautiful…”
“Divine…” Pinkie whispered reverently, sidling up next to her to bask in its holy radiance. For long moments neither spoke, mesmerised by the glory of the foot-long éclair.
“Oh come on guys,” Twilight interrupted, scoffing at their adoration, “it’s just an éclair. Ah, guys? Guys?” She trotted over when neither responded to wave a hoof before their vacant, adoring and slightly drooling faces.
“Erm, Maud, a little help?” She asked, a hint of worry creeping into her voice.
“Sorry Twilight, I've seen this before,” Maud said, her monotone voice betraying not the slightest hint of concern as her sister and the living personification of the sun were apparently hypnotized by the power of cake. “They’re having a PCM.”
“A what?”
“You know how normal ponies have moments when they appreciate an especially tasty looking cake? Well this is a Pinkie Cake Moment. It’s kind of like a ‘want it, need it’ on overload.” She explained at length.
“Oh…” Twilight pondered that for a moment. “Are they going to be alright?” She asked, glancing at the two ponies, immobile save for the stars dancing in their eyes.
“They just need a few moments to reset. They’ll be fine, I’ll look after them if you want to keep wandering.” As little sense as the explanation made to her, Twilight found Maud’s plain voice oddly comforting.
“Thanks Maud, you’re a great friend.” Twilight smiled gratefully.
Leaving her friends under Maud’s care, she began to meander aimlessly and was soon strolling through the chaotic tank paddock, wandering between the six armoured vehicles while checks and finishing touches were made in preparation for the day’s big event, the first ever Panzerfahren match in Equestria. The tanks crews were abuzz, working on their vehicles, greasing hinges, checking oil and fuel levels, counting shells and their protective enchantments one more time just to be sure.
Wandering further, Twilight drifted into the fevered excitement that reigned within the carnival that had come to life around the grandstands and viewer screens erected for the match. Stalls were selling wares and snacks, tank themed games with chances to win tank plushies, somepony had even produced a line of commemorative shirts, scarves and attractive statuettes of Twilight and her friends in full battle dress.
Lost amid the hustle and bustle for a moment, Twilight managed to forget the worries and stresses of the past week spent trying to prepare for today, that she would soon be competing against her friends. That ultimately, she had brought the whole thing down on herself. Instead she was enjoying a pleasant afternoon, seeing the broad smiles and mirth of the crowds, and soaking in the festive atmosphere. Seeing everypony so happy and carefree let her heart feel light and radiant once again.
“Thank you, Princess Twilight!” She heard a shrill voice call to her. She looked round and down in surprise at a young filly, beaming at her with the energy and enthusiasm that only a child, and Pinkie Pie, is capable of. “Today is so much fun! Thank you!” She called again as her mother shooed her along with an embarrassed look.
Twilight couldn’t help giggling as she waved back. No doubt, tomorrow that little filly would be telling her friends all about the day she bumped into Princess Twilight Sparkle, and how she favoured her with a smile and a wave.
“Twilight!” She heard the familiar voice of Spike calling to her. “There you are. Been looking all over for you.”
“I don’t exactly blend into a crowd, Spike.” She smiled, levitating him onto her back as he drew close. It was always a comforting presence, having him there.
“Doesn’t help me when all I can see of a crowd is a bunch of legs.” He complained in his playful ‘don’t really mean it’ voice.
“Hmm, point conceded.” She smiled gracefully. “So what’s up?”
“We’re getting ready for the pre-match briefing over by the main office, plus me and Rarity have some awesome news!”
“I’m guessing it’s some big secret you want to reveal dramatically?” She already knew the answer from the way he didn’t quite manage to hide his excited grin.
“Yup, and before you ask, no you’re not getting a spoiler.”
Twilight could only laugh. She guessed maybe the two were finally going to go out on a date, but she’d find out soon enough.
“Well, guess we’d better get to the meeting then.”
Now with somewhere to be and something to do, Twilight wasted little time breaking into a gentle canter. For a nostalgic moment, it felt like the old days when she’d first moved to Ponyville, before she became an Alicorn and joined the ranks of royalty. She was wandering, carefree though some cheery carnival or celebration, where she might play a few games, win a prize if fortune smiled and return home with the warm, content feeling you get from an untroubled day full of simple joys.
That little bubble of day dream was popped when the scene that greeted her at the office was another blazing row between the Cutie Mark Crusaders and their elder sisters.
“No means no!” Applejack raised her voice, just short of shouting, but enough to demand an end to the argument. “They ‘ain’t safe!”
“It’s a tank!” Applebloom wailed, refusing to give up. “They ‘ain’t meant to be safe!”
“I’m sorry, was that meant to change our minds?” Rainbow Dash weighed in next to Applejack.
“Then why’re you allowed to go tanking then?” Scootaloo argued back this time.
“Because we, are responsible adults.”
“Are you saying we’re not responsible?” Sweetie Belle demanded to know, her voice pitched in shocked accusation.
Dry looks were the only answer she received.
“Not helping.” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo growled to her.
“Look, I know y’all are disappointed,” Applejack tried switching to a consoling tone, “and maybe one day you’ll get to drive your own tank, but not today. And forget that cutesie big eyed thing y’all do, it ain’t gonna work this time.” She finished, cutting off their attempts at being adorable before they could start. “You got your VIP tickets, you get to be treated all special for the day. So why don’t you go and enjoy yourselves and we’ll see you at end, alright?”
The Crusaders mumbled a dejected ‘alright’, and began trudging away miserably as their sisters went inside. Looking up and seeing Twilight, Apple Bloom nudged her friends. Brightening up, the three of them galloped over, brimming with hopeful smiles.
“Hi Twilight!” They beamed up at her, like kittens expecting to be fed.
“Hi girls,” she greeted them back awkwardly, “I know exactly where you’re about to go, and I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you.”
“Oh.” Their faces turned downcast again. “You saw that, huh?” Scoot asked.
“Yeah, and I sympathise, I really do, but it wouldn’t be right for me to overrule your sisters. I’m sorry.” Twilight smiled apologetically, while inside her heart broke a little.
“It’s okay.” Apple Bloom said, faking a smile of her own.
“It was a long shot, but had to try, right?” Sweetie Belle shrugged miserably.
All Twilight could do was smile as the three little, dejected fillies trudged past in the vague direction of the grandstands.
“Wow, that was so sad.” Spike remarked. “Couldn’t you at least have a word with the girls? You know, maybe change their minds?”
“Later,” Twilight sighed, “right now, we have a meeting to attend.”
Taking a deep breath, she finally stepped inside the office to find most of the crews gathered together, minus those still working on the vehicles, but also surprisingly, Princess Luna, who was presently giving the pre-match briefing. They greeted her quickly and Spike hopped off her back and over to Rarity.
“Hello Princess, sorry we’re late,” Twilight smiled at Luna, “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”
“Greetings, Princes Twilight, neither did we anticipate our presence being required,” she replied, habitually slipping into her archaic tongue, “however our sister is currently… indisposed…”
“Oh, don’t stop now!” Princess Celestia’s ecstatic voice could be heard from within her private pavilion, “give it to me!”
“You want this? You want this?” Muffin Button teased her.
“Oh yes! Yes! Give it me to!” She practically begged.
“Here it comes!”
There came a great moan of joy and release.
“Oh sweet heavens, you make the best triple chocolate muffins…”
“See, I told you he was good.” Came the chirpy voice of Pinkie.
“So, while she is absent, our royal self will be officiating todays match.” Luna continued. “Recapping the major safety points and victory conditions, no firing on a vehicle flying a white flag, flying a white flag means you are knocked out of the match, and victory will be determined by ‘last pony standing’ rules. Since this is the first full test of the munitions and their enchantments under actual match conditions, we will be insisting on basic armour piercing rounds only, and crews are to remain within their vehicles until the match is over. Now that is concluded, I believe Mr Spike and Madam Rarity wish to say a few words.” She finished, stepping back from the front of the room.
“So what’s this big news then?” Rainbow piped up as Spike and Rarity took the podium, clearly eager to get the match started. “You two finally going to tie the knot or something?”
Everybody had a good giggle at that, and even Spike and Rarity smiled and blushed.
“Do you want to go first?” Rarity asked.
“I can go first.” Spiked took a deep breath, barely containing his excitement. “Okay, great news. CBS has offered to broadcast our match!”
Everypony in the room gasped in amazement and began chattering excitedly about the honour, the fame, the celebrity exposure. With the sole exception of Twilight.
“CBS?” She asked, and immediately regretted it, trying to look very small as she felt all eyes on the room focus on her in the following silence.
“The Crystal Ball Service.” Spike told her, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of them? They’re one of the biggest broadcaster networks in Equestria! Next you’re going to tell me you’ve never heard of the Neophyte Broadcasting Circle or the Brotherhood of Broadcasting Conjurers.”
“What about FOX Network, were they asking?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“No, they’re assholes.” Spike told her.
“Oh good, phew.” The relief in the room was palpable.
“Their reps are in the royal box right now, they’re all ready to go, all we have to do is give them a yes.”
More silence followed, and Twilight felt the expectation in the room as everypony impatiently waited for her to decide the future of broadcasted Equestrian Panzerfahren.
“Yes?” She said meekly, and immediately the room burst out in excited chatter once again.
“Well, then,” Rarity’s voice cut through the din, “if we’re going to be on display, it’s good thing I have my new line to show off.” Her horn glowed as her magic dragged a loaded clothes rack from behind a curtain. “I call it, Full Frontal Fashion!” She finished with a dramatic flourish, showing off a gloriously flamboyant array of uniforms. “I was Inspired by the tank fashions of the human world, though I have taken the liberty of improving on their drab colours. Twilight darling, try this on!” A bright ensemble flew of the rack at Twilight, quickly engulfing and wrapping itself round her at the command of Rarity’s magic. “Oh my, you look absolutely stunning! You’ll be the belle of the blitzkrieg!” She cooed.
Twilight looked at herself in a dressing mirror Rarity produced and found herself wearing what appeared to be a black tankers jacket, cut specially for her wings, and a furry hat she remembered was called an Ushanka. All in all, it was reminiscent of the functional uniforms worn by Soviet tank commanders she had seen pictures found in literature from the human world. Barring the bright lavender accents along the seams and edges, sparkling gemstones in place of buttons, flamboyant epaulettes, and a huge peacock feather protruding from her Ushanka, which now sported her cutie mark in precious stones where it would normally feature a red star.
‘Oh great,’ Twilight thought, plastering her best smile on her face, ‘at least I’ll look good while my humiliating defeat is broadcast the length and breadth of Equestria.’
“You know everypony is rooting for you to win.” Rarity doted on her. “You are the princess after all, and you have the best tank. Even better, now you’ll be fabulous doing it!”
‘Oh goodie. More pressure…’
Across the paddock, the Cutie Mark Crusaders trudged miserably towards the Crusader cruiser tank. Diamond Tiara looked up from her work and saw Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle approaching and carefully hopped down to greet them.
“Hey Diamond Tiara.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders called, unable to dredge up even the least enthusiasm in their dejected voices.
“Hey girls. I’m guessing you weren’t allowed to drive the Crusader.” Diamond Tiara received only a group shrug in response. “It’s just so perfect for you. I mean, you’re Crusaders, it’s a Crusader…” She trailed off sympathetically.
“I know, it really sucks.” Scoot grumbled.
“It’s just not lady like.” Sweetie pitched her best lady like imitation of her sister, before casting off the affected accent with a resentful snort. “Like that stopped Rarity.”
Diamond Tiara looked as disappointed as they did, then a wicked gleam came into her eye, like those she used to wear when she schemed to make someponies life a little worse. She beckoned to Silver Spoon and whispered in her ear once she had trotted over. The grey filly gave first her and then the crusaders a thoughtful smile, and nodded back before trotting away sporting a mischievous grin.
“Say, you all know how to operate the Crusader, right?” She asked, getting some mumbled yes’s and grunts in response. Her voice took a thought turn. “You know it makes me really angry that your sisters won’t let you drive it. After all the effort you went to, learning how, helping me and Silver Spoon get it ready, all wasted. So angry in fact, I’m just going to stand over there and look away for a while.” She said, strolling off to stare at nothing in particular.
The three crusaders shared a confused look, before Applebloom trotted over to her friend.
“Are you feeling okay, Diamond?” She asked, concerned at her strange behaviour.
“Yes, I’m fine, I’m just looking away angrily.” She assured her.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. I’m just being distracted and looking away.”
“You’re acting a mite strange is all…”
“Oh for pities sake,” Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes with an exasperated sigh. “I’m standing over here, wink, wink,” she punctuated with a pair of exaggerated winks at her friend, “where I can’t see what you’re up to, wink, wink, and I just so happened to have left the Crusader’s hatches wide open, wink, wink.”
“Oh…” The gears turned painfully slowly in Applebloom’s mind. “Oooh!”
“Finally.”
“Fillies and Gentlecolts! Welcome to this, the first ever Equestrian Panzerfahren match!” Even at her distance, Twilight could hear the announcer’s voice ring clear over the loud speakers, along with the cheers of crowds.
“The teams are in their starting places! Let’s give them one last cheer before the starting gun fires!” The cheering in the distance grew even louder. Looking up she saw a pair of Pegasus overhead pointing a camera in her direction. She blushed nervously under her flamboyant hat and gave them a wave. In the distance she heard a fresh road from the crowd, confirming her fears that they were being broadcast live, not only to those attending, but undoubtedly to the rest of Equestria as well.
“And there is everyponies favourite! Princess Twilight Sparkle! Doesn’t she look great folks?” Another distant roar of cheering could be heard.
She took a deep breath.
Okay Twilight, just calm down, calm down. Smile and wave, smile and wave, and you’ll get through this… Just remember the training. No, forget the training, it all went pear shaped... Crap… what was it Spike said about Celestia?
“Twilight,” her slowly panicking inner monologue was cut short with a startled jump, when Spike called her over the intercom, “are you okay?”
Spooked from the terrified reverie, she realised she’d been vaguely staring off into the middle distance, and no doubt wearing some horrified look on her face.
“I’m okay, Spike,” she faked a smile, “just nerves.” She added a wave to the crowd for good measure, hoping it would put him at the ease she couldn’t feel herself.
“Okay… well, Princess Luna is on the radio, I think she and Princess Celestia are about to start the match.”
She took another deep breath. No backing out now.
“Okay, signal we’re ready and put her on speaker.”
“Attention all teams.” Came Luna’s stern and regal voice. “We are about to commence the match, please mount up, start your engines and await the sound of the cannon.”
Twilight gave Rarity the start-up signal as she settled into her hatch down and got as comfy as she could. Little Harmony gave a little whine before the engine barked and growled as it came to life, the interior of the armoured vehicle vibrating with power waiting to be tapped.
Long moments passed as they waited for the starting cannon.
Over the speakers, she could hear the commentator describing the moment as Princess’ Celestia and Luna stood by the cannon, letting the tension and excitement grow a little more.
Then came the boom, the roared cheers of the crowd and the twin cries of Celestia and Luna.
“Pony Fore!”
“See anything yet, Lyra?” Twilight asked her turret companion as she peered suspiciously through her field goggles at every wooded copse they rumbled past.
“Nothing yet.” She replied as she likewise scanned her side of the tank with her own set. “You’d think we’d have bumped into somepony by now. Or at least heard shooting...”
Though she hadn’t said it, Twilight had been thinking the same thoughts. They’d been rumbling through the match area now for nearly ten minutes. In a space of only a few square miles, they ought to have seen or heard something by now. Save for the rumble of Little Harmony’s engine, the little squeaks of her tracks, it was all quiet. Too quiet.
She idly wondered how to sneak that cliché into the conversation.
“Rarity, anything to the front?”
“Not a sign dear,” came the response, “though in fairness I can’t really see that much.”
Twilight was about to tell her to keep her eyes open when Lyra shouted.
“Two O’clock!”
She quickly shifted to bring her own goggles to bare and follow where was Lyra pointing toward a short ridge, topped with a hedgerow that ran parallel to the road.
“Really?” Rarity asked before she could spot anything. “Shouldn’t we have broken for lunch by now, I am truly starving, I was in such a rush to get our outfits ready I completely missed breakfast.” She complained.
“No, it’s only eleven.” Twilight corrected her.
“I don’t see anything at eleven, are you sure?” Lyra swivelled to continue scanning the horizon.
“I knew I should have packed my watch.” Rarity grumbled, reaching over towards Spikes position.
“You packed just about everything else… there’s barely enough room to breathe under all this!” Spike’s muffled voice could just about be heard from under the great pile of cushions, accessories and changes of functional, yet stylish and attractive, uniforms.
“It may well be uncomfortable,” Rarity admonished him, “but you’ll be thanking me when you’re covered in dirt and grease and in need of a change of outfit!”
“Guys, there’s definitely something at two…”
“Doesn’t anypony have a watch to hoof?”
“It’s not about time Rarity,” Twilight started to explain, “it means Lyra saw something off to the right.”
“Then why ever didn’t she simply say ‘off to the right’?”
“Think of it as a clock face, but laid down on the ground.” She tried.
“Why would anypony leave a clock on the ground? You’d never see it until you stepped on it.”
“Well, yes… but… just turn right, I’ll explain later.” Twilight gave up with a sigh.
The confusing argument was rudely interrupted by the reverberating clang of a shell deflecting off the side of Little Harmony’s turret.
Everypony flinched, Twilight and Lyra ducked low into the turret, the pile of accessories shifted as Spike buried himself a little deeper and Rarity jumped, pressing a hoof onto the accelerator, causing Little Harmony to lurch forward.
“Is everypony okay?” Twilight shouted, her confidence in her protective enchantments waning before the reality of being shot at.
“I’m okay!” Rarity sounded like she was hyperventilating.
“Mrfrfrfm!” Her pile of accessories called, a purple claw poked out to give a thumbs up.
“Sweet Celestia, this reminds me of Vietnam!” Lyra grinned like a lunatic.
“Good.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. Real world test successful. “Now where’d that shot- hang on, what?” She turned to face Lyra as her brain finally acknowledged what she said.
“You know, the movies.” She explained. “I love those things.”
Twilight was still giving Lyra the most pecular look when a second clang announced more pressing concerns.
“Glancing hit on the front plate, we’re okay!” Rarity squeaked.
“Where’d the shot come from?” Twilight cried, settling down into the gunner’s seat and turning the periscope about, trying to get a view of who was shooting at them.
“Spotted them, Tank 2, at 2 O’clock, atop the ridge, range 700!” Lyra shouted, staring straight at them through her binoculars.
“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight thought out loud, bringing the turret round to bare. M5 Stuart, light tank, US made, 37mm main gun, 25 to 50 mm armour, high speed , her mind supplied various details as she peered through the gun sights, using her magic to work the focus and bringing the hedgerow into sharp relief.
There! A puff of smoke gave her target’s position away. She could make out the sharp angles of worked steel hiding among the leaves now.
“Rarity, halt!” She called, ignoring the dull crump of a near miss as she finished laying the gun. No sooner than Little Harmony had been brought to a stop than she squeezed the firing trigger and the gun boomed!
The barrel recoiled back in its mount with a clang, sending an empty shell casing clattered to the floor, and though it took barely a second, Twilight watched the shell through the sights as it hurtled through the distance separating the two tanks, to strike sending up a great clod of dirt.
As she watched, Tank 2 emerged from the cloud, accelerating rapidly away as it followed the line of the ridge.
“Damn.” She snapped, frustration at her poor marksmanship beginning to boil once more. “Lyra, reload, Rarity, straight ahead, fast as you can, let’s get after them!”
“Damnit!” Twilight swore yet again as she watched another shell go wide. After twenty minutes of pursuit along the forest path (though it might only have been five, adrenaline was making a mockery of her personal time keeping) she still hadn’t managed to land a clean hit on Tank 2. All credit to Dash and her crew, they were making excellent use of the terrain and their agile tank, but knowing that didn’t make her feel any better. “Reload! Rarity keep after them!”
The detached, analytical part of Twilight’s mind knew she was rushing her shots, that she should halt and wait for Little Harmony to settle before firing. But it was being constantly overridden by the part of her mind that was desperately panicking and handling the pressure like a landmine.
This part of her mind was then in turn being fought for control by yet another part that was so clouded by anger and frustration, that it demanded Twilight strap a shell to her horn so she could gallop up to the slippery little bastard of a tank and head butt it into scrap while screaming die.
Of course, neither the rational nor panicky parts of her would ever allow this, which ultimately resulted in a gridlocked stalemate that left her capacity for decision making and aiming lost in a grey wilderness somewhere between terror, reason and frothing lunacy.
The last thing the tenuous grip she held on her faculties needed was a thunderous barrage of explosions, announcing they had rumbled headlong into an ambush and were being fired on from multiple directions at the same time.
Which, cripplingly enough for her emotional state, is exactly what happened the moment they followed Tank 2 into an open clearing.
“Hard right!” She managed to screech through her own high pitched squeals, and Rarity quickly drove Little Harmony off the road and thundering into the hard brush as the trees from all around her continued to erupt with shell fire.
Little Harmony plunged through the thick forest, tracks churning through mud and brush, it’s engine roaring as they fled the ambush as fast as they could. They burst into the open on the far side, only for another blast and a clang to announce they had driven into more tanks! Panicking, Twilight called a hard left and they swung round, their tracks throwing dirt and mud as they took off in a new dew direction, skirting the edge of the copse of trees, until finally, once the sounds of fire had stopped, she found her voice long enough to call a halt.
At last, given a moments respite, her ears ringing, heart pounding in her throat, Twilight began frantically swinging her periscope back and forth, hyper ventilating as she tried to regain control of her racing, frantic mind long enough to figure out what was going on.
Then she saw something.
A slope of rough, dull grey hidden amid the bushes. A colour that had no place among the green plant life.
And a long barrel pointing directly at her.
“Eeep!” Was all she managed as the Party Cannon fired.
Author's Note
Finally, after all the delays! Some of those scenes just did not want to be written... But a big thanks to Twidashloverxox , Harmony Pie and her sister SugarPinkieVA and Ceffyl Dwr for taking the time to help me with this. Big thanks to you all.
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My Little Panzer, Tanking is Magic!
1: The curious past times of bald apes from another dimension.
Chapter 1: the curious past times of bald apes from another dimension
It had been far too long for her liking since Princess Celestia, Solar Incarnate and joint ruler of the nation of Equestria, had last taken the time to visit her erstwhile student and good friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle, to simply enjoy her company for a while. It seemed to her the only time she got to spend with the young princess was when something terrible was happening. Monster attacks, Changeling invasions, magic eating megalomaniacs hell bent on world domination, evil tyrants rising from death, the Grand Galloping Gala.
So today, she decided she was not going to wait for some catastrophe to give her an excuse, she was finally going to accept the open invitation for Thursday afternoon tea, fly over and meet with her friend.
Well… Fly over is a bit generous , she thought to herself, reclining as her guards pulled her chariot through the skies. Biggest wings in Equestria and I get my guards to carry me everywhere...
“Are you well Your Highness?” One of the guards called back to her.
“Quite well Captain Strong Flight,” She smiled back with well-practiced regal poise, “just thinking.”
“About anything in particular, Highness?” He enquired politely. Celestia had grown quite fond of the snow white Pegasus since he came to prominence in the Solar Guard. Professional and polite, yet willing to take an interest in her as a pony, and not simply the mistress he was charged with protecting and obeying. It was a pleasant and refreshing change from most of the other guards who as far as she could tell, had a rod firmly up their arse.
“Only that the royal palace is a vast and beautiful complex of elegant buildings,” she spoke wistfully, “complete with extensive, immaculately tended grounds and gardens. But as the seat of government, and with myself as the primary upon that seat, it seems to me that I can go weeks without ever setting hoof outside it.”
“It must be nice to be out and about for a while, Your Highness.” He responded cheerily, sounding like he thoroughly was enjoying the view.
That struck a chord with Celestia. Seeing how relaxed and happy he was, made her realize just how taut she was keeping herself. She was still being the Princess holding court, still holding that unflappable, immaculate façade up for the benefit of the world. It had been there so long she hadn’t even realized anymore.
Closing her eyes, she went through the relaxation exercises she had been taught centuries earlier. Focusing on the flow of her breath, she started seeking out all the points of tension within herself, one by one willing them to unwind and release, before opening her eyes to soak in the moment. She cast her gaze over the lazy twists of cloud, the shades of green in the trees and fields below, the play of sunlight on the rushing waters of a river as it fed into a lake. She smelt the freshness of the air, felt its cool rush through her mane, ticking her fur coat and the feathers of her wings, tempting her to flight. And of course the warm touch of her sun on her face.
At once she felt lighter than she had in many weeks.
“Indeed it is Captain,” she smiled genuinely, “indeed it is.”
Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Big Macintosh and Princess Luna all groaned, their ears drooping with dismay while Applejack grinned and chuckled in triumph.
“We told y’all ya weren’t gonna win that one.” The work horse said in her lively southern drawl, offering a hoof bump to Twilight Sparkle. The lavender princess, sat on her cushion and positively chugging out clouds of smug, gracefully accepted.
“Far be it for me of all ponies to put a price on friendship, but a bet is a bet. Now fork over the goods girls.” She grinned evilly. With a miserable sigh the other four slowly and dismally slid their losses over towards the triumphant duo. Three fairy cakes a piece. With a chuckle and the exaggerated care of a connoisseur, Applejack picked one to savour.
“Y’all know what’s tastier than an apple and cinnamon fairy cake with frosting and cream?” Applejack asked, holding it up for Twilight to examine.
“Go on?” She beamed back at her partner in crime.
“One of Rainbow Dash’s apple and cinnamon fairy cakes with frosting and cream.” She replied, leaning over to the blue Pegasus, before taking a huge bite of her snack cake and chewing it slowly. “Mmmmm. That is soooo delicious.” She grinned in Dashies face, revelling the ‘you will pay dearly for this’ look she got in return.
Following her friends lead, Twilight turned to Princess Luna and opened her mouth to speak.
“Remember We can stalk thy dreams.” The Princess of the Night dead panned, sipping a cup of tea with utmost civility.
Twilight paused for a moment, and then thought better of it, much to everyponies amusement. Titters quickly grew to giggles, which grew to out loud laughter, and soon even Luna had to hide her wildly grinning face behind one hoof to maintain her royal demeanour.
“Hey guys, we have another guest.” Spike the dragon called out as he let himself into the spacious living room.
“Well don’t just stand there, Spike,” Twilight told her oldest friend, “Show them- Princess Celestia!” She finished with a delighted gasp. As the Princess of the Sun entered the room Twilight galloped over in an undignified fashion to throw a hug around her former mentor.
“Twilight Sparkle, it’s so good to see you too.” Celestia said, returning the embrace with her wings. “And with so many of your friends as well.” She looked around the living room. Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were respectfully bowing alongside the ever stoic and nearly silent, Big Macintosh, and of course her beloved sister, Luna. “Oh please rise,” she said, releasing Twilight, “I’m just here for a friendly visit. I must admit though, I wasn’t expecting to see so many of you here today.”
“Of course,” Twilight beamed up at her, “We always get together Thursday afternoons, and I’m so glad you’ve finally accepted my invitation to join us. Spike, we need some fresh tea and cakes!”
“Awww, but the next round is about to start.” The young dragon pouted.
“Don’t worry Spikey! Pinkie to the rescue!” The pink mare leapt up.
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash joined in, “we’ll have you back before the starting gun fires. Besides, I need to restock, since somepony cleaned me out.” She accused over her shoulder as the three of them left for the kitchen.
“Ah told ya that was a loosin’ bet.” Applejack called after her, tucking cheerily into more of her winnings.
Twilight ushered Celestia over to a space next to her, where Luna was busy fluffing and arranging a set of pillows for her elder sister, and the two shared an embrace as she settled.
“It is so nice to be here,” She told them, “But I must confess I am somewhat perplexed, the next round of what?” She asked, clearly missing something. Seating and snack tables had all been arranged before a screened contraption set against one wall, though what purpose it served was a mystery to her. It was vaguely reminiscent of the portal device Twilight had constructed to enter the world Sunset Shimmer now called home at will. But where she would have expected to see the mirror portal itself, the large screen had been set instead.
“Panzerfahren.” Luna smiled at her. “Sensha-do?” She tried when Celestias only response was a furled brow. “Tankwon-Do? Tanking?...”
“Ooh, Tanking,” Celestia finally caught on. “That new driving sport? I’ve over heard some of the guards talking about it, sounds awfully violent.”
“Yeah, but really exciting,” Twilight gave one of her bright smiles, “you could call it the mother of all impact sports!” Twilight felt compelled to explain when Celestia gave her a furled brow as well. “It all started while I was working on a way of communicating more reliably with Sunset Shimmer, seeing and talking with her without actually having to cross over into the other world.”
“And it had nuthin’ at all to do wi’ seeing Flash Sentry.” Applejack quipped through a mouthful of cake.
“And it had nothing to- Hey!” Twilight glowered at her tittering friend before returning to Celestia, finding her stifling a giggle too. “Anyway, as I was saying, I used the magical diary as a starting point and tried to build a system that would allow us to actually see and hear what was going on in the human world at that very moment.”
“So that’s what this device is for?” Celestia gestured to the machine in front of them.
“Exactly, but I made a miscalculation while calibrating it, and instead of finding Canterlot High, I found a very different human world. Turns out there’s more than one, who knew?” She shrugged.
“A miscalculation, you?” The alabaster alicorn teased, using her magic to pour herself some lukewarm tea from the pot on the coffee table.
“I may have been a touch over excited…” Twilight gave another embarrassed smile, nervously rubbing the back of her neck with one hoof, “I was kinda rushing, and the laws of interdimensional physics are a little more complicated than I expected. I mean, accurately tracking and monitoring multi-dimensional wave form patterns from across the electromagnetic and magical spectrums while transmitting and receiving data through an artificially stabilized quantum tunnel with twelve-fold symmetry through the fabric space time, isn’t as easy as it sounds. Took me an entire afternoon to get the prototype viewer working.”
“An entire afternoon, that long?” Though Celestia never ceased to be amazed by her former student’s uncanny knack for all things magical, she couldn’t help but sneak a little sarcasm in.
“Well most of one,” Twilight told her, apparently oblivious, “I took a break in the middle, Rainbow Dash was determined to give me a flying lesson.” She rolled her eyes as though it was some kind of nuisance drama, but continued as Celestia sipped her tea, listening intently. “Anyways, long story short, when I finally got the viewer working, that’s when I found I’d tuned it into the wrong world.”
“It’s funny how many of the world’s greatest inventions and discoveries were in fact total accidents.” Celestia smiled, her tea cup continuing to hover next to her, suspended in mid-air by the warm, sunlight glow of her magic. “Did you know that when Fizzlewig the Alchemist invented his Miracle Growth Fertilizer Formula, he was actually trying to cure baldness?” Twilight threw her a disbelieving ‘no way’ look. “Really, he was. Never did manage to grow his mane back . And now you have managed to introduce a whole new sport and a way of viewing it that’s taking the land by storm as I hear it.”
“Well…” Twilight blushed modestly, “once I had the prototype working, it was foals play building more viewers… And of course Rainbow Dash just had to go and start telling everypony what we’d found...” She finished with an embarrassed laugh.
“So Luna,” Celestia said, turning to her sister, “I didn’t know you enjoyed this sport?”
“Oh truly dear sister, We do most thoroughly enjoy the spectacle. Exhilarating clashes, heroic deeds, cunning stratagems and tactics. It doth remind Us greatly of the jousting and melee tournaments of old.” Princess Luna replied, slipping into her classic style of speech before leaning in close for a conspiratorial whisper, “Plus, hast thou seen Applejacks elder brother? Phwooooor!” For the first time, Celestia threatened to break into out loud laughter, coughing as she reflexively caught it her throat thanks to century’s practice of royal composure.
“You say somethin’ over there Princess?” Applejack cheerily asked hearing her name, while still tucking into her ill-gained cake stash.
“Only that We would be most intrigued to learn how thy brother handles his plough.” Luna replied, starring at Big Mac with heavy lidded, predatory eyes, a smouldering intensity that made the red stallion try very hard to look small and insignificant.
“Well I never knew you had such an interest in farmin’.” Applejack beamed with delight, utterly oblivious to the Princess’s lusty gaze and her brother’s valiant, and futile attempts to hide behind his sister half his size. “If ya fancy, I can tell y’all about it some time. An’ ah reckon my brother here be just pleased as apple pie to show off.”
“Err, AJ…” Big Macs deep voice actually quivered.
“We would be most grateful indeed,” Luna fairly growled with desire, and before Big Mac could start to protest she had slid past both her sister and his, wrapped one powerful wing about the stallion and began manoeuvring him towards the door as he rapidly turned a deeper shade of crimson. “Come Big Macintosh, show Us how you work the fertile ground.” She breathed heavily into his ear as she all but dragged him out of the room.
“Hehe, who know folk as fancy as royals would be that eager to learn ‘bout farmin’?” Applejack mused with a broad smile. Celestia hung her head with a shake and a smile before leaning over to whisper in the Earth Ponies ear. “Wait, what?...” Applejacks face and ears fell as panic set in, “Princess, Big Mac, wait up!” She cried, bolting out the door after them, leaving Twilight and Celestia in nigh hysterics and nearly knocking Rainbow Dash flying as she re-entered the room.
“Hey! It’s not enough that you con me out of my cakes, now you’re trying mug me too?!” She screamed at the work horse after heroically managing to balance her tray of fresh confectionary. “What is up with that pony?”
“Oh don’t mind her,” Twilight sighed, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes once she’d recovered, “she’s just trying to rescue Big Mac.” Dashie, Pinkie and Spike looked at each other confused, none the wiser for her explanation.
Celestia felt relaxed and content in a way she had not for weeks. She could hardly recall having such a time with her sister and her friends, where neither rank nor royal etiquette seemed relevant or even slightly important.
“But never mind that, how about you pass me one of those delicious looking cakes, a fresh cup of tea and tell me a little about tanking.” She motioned for the three of them to settle down, eager to learn more about this new sport that held so many of her friends and subjects in thrall.
“We can do better than that, we can show you!” Rainbow Dash set her tray down and with a quick flap of her wings, lifted herself over to the viewer. “Next match should be starting any minute now.” She said, throwing a switch and checking some dials. Slowly the viewer came to life, the dark, blank screen brightening by gradients and filling with colours that began to take shape. Sounds also began to come from the machine, a quiet buzzing at first, but quickly it began to separate into many sounds that became clearer.
“-otta admit John, it’s a bold move by London to bring Big Tony to a 20 slot match. Doubly so when you consider their last three matches have been played, and won, in open terrain. They’re due a change of scenery.” Celestia had of course read Twilight’s reports of her visits to the human world and of its dominant native species, but to actually see a bald ape descendant took her aback for a moment. Equestria was a world filled with an incredible variety of races, from Hyrda to Chimera, Griffons to Dragons, Yaks and the various types of ponies to name but a few. But none of that had quite prepared her for just how peculiar these humans were.
Sat in a small studio, he was well-spoken with an urbane accent and appeared slightly built under a suit jacket, not unlike the type ponies would wear out to dinner, but obviously it had been cut for a human form. Beneath he wore a fine shirt and tie, and a crisp looking pair of trousers. But it was the sight of all that skin that threw her. Yes, he was wearing clothes, which felt odd enough considering ponies generally eschewed clothing outside special events, but aside from the neatly groomed dark mane atop his head, he was completely hairless. It was just weird…
“I can only agree with you Garry,” a second human sat on the other side of the studio said to the first, “It’s a big risk. They’ve gambled on getting yet another match in the open, and I reckon they’re pushing their luck.” This one had a rough image to match his voice. Like the first he was wearing a jacket and shirt, but the tie was absent and the top buttons on his shirt were undone. He also carried rough stubble along his jaw and generally had a harder and heavier look to him than the first, especially with his bald head. “If it goes their way, they’ll have a strong advantage, but this could backfire on them something chronic.”
“True, but let’s take a look at what Yorkshire are sending their way,” The first human, Garry apparently, replied and the two of them turned to a large screen hung on the wall behind them, which showed three other humans and behind them, slowly rotating, was an image of a boxy, tracked vehicle with a hexagonal shaped turret, “and the big surprise here is the return of the Scarborough Fishermen.”
“Now this is almost as much of a surprise as seeing Big Tony.” John agreed. “It was a pretty nasty knock out they suffered against New York, and I don’t think anybody expected to see them in action again this quickly.”
“Well that’s what you get when you match a Crusader against an M26 Pershing.” Garry told John. “Don’t get me wrong, the Crusader is a good tank and the quick firing 2 pounder is a good gun against lower tiered vehicles, but the M26 isn’t a lower tiered vehicle and neither is Big Tony. Their mistake against New York was breaking cover and making a rush for a better shot too early. Let’s hope they learned from that mistake.”
“Well they seem to have on paper. Looks like they used their down time to upgrade the Fisherman. They’re now sporting a more powerful engine and a quick firing six pounder.”
“That’ll certainly help them in a fire fight, but won’t they have moved up a tier for it?”
As the two pundits bounced the analysis back and forth, Princess Celestia quickly found herself hopelessly lost trying to keep up, which as an immortal demi goddess with a millennium’s experience ruling a kingdom, was a feeling she hadn’t had to cope with for a very long time. The terminology, the slang, the names, places and objects they talked about, the two of them might as well have been speaking a completely different language for all the sense it made to her. Everypony else in the room though seemed to be absorbing the information and were already adding their own thoughts. At some point Applejack, Big Mac and Luna had snuck back into the room, and though Applejack had been careful to seat herself between her anxious brother and the frustrated Princess of the Night, she and Rainbow Dash were already arguing their way towards another bet.
Apparently it all depended on whether or not the match took place on open ground. If not, then according to Rainbow Dash, London were going to get ‘pounded like cheap pastry dough!’ But if it did, then Big Tony was going to, as Applejack put it, ‘blast Yorkshire right to bucking Mars’.
“Twilight, what’s Mars?” Celestia quietly asked the younger princess.
“According to my early research, it’s a planet in the human solar system coated entirely in chocolate above a layer of rich caramel with a soft nougat centre.”
Celestia wasn’t entirely convinced, but was distracted from her scepticism by the next image to enter the viewer.
“By the stars, what is that?” She breathed. The lines, the sharp, yet sleek angles that defined its shape, the sheer size of it, the undeniable power.
“That my dear sister,” Luna said to her, “is Big Tony.”
“A Panzerkampfwagon Tiger Ausf B, or Kónigstiger, to be precise.” Twilight added, but Celestia wasn’t paying attention anymore. She could hear Twilight going on about the statistics of the vehicle, the power of its main gun, the pundits mentioned something about the frontal armour rarely, if ever, being penetrated, but it had all become white noise in her ears. The view panned out with some clever graphics to show two teams of vehicles lined up, facing each other. But it was Big Tony that captured her attention.
She was snapped out of her sparkly eyed revere by Applejack.
“Aww dang-nabbit!” The work horse snorted with disgust.
“Hehehe, looks like somepony is getting her fairy cakes back.” It was Rainbow Dash’s turn to chuckle triumphantly.
“Don’t you go countin’ yer eggs ‘fore they’ve hatched,” Applejack snapped at her, “match ‘ain’t even started yet.”
“And it’s already looking good.” She gloated back.
As the two of them got stuck into another bout of arguing, Celestia turned to Twilight again.
“I assume that means London didn’t get the terrain advantage?”
“Nope.” Seeing the older Princess’ confusion and feeling the need to expand, Twilight continued, “over open ground Big Tony’s frontal armour would make him practically invulnerable to anything Yorkshire could throw at him, while his 88mm main gun would knock out any their tanks before they could ever get close enough to take a shot at his more vulnerable side or rear amour,” she explained at length. “But they’re in close, hilly, wooded terrain, so not only is the range advantage of the 88 is nullified, but a vehicle as heavy as Big Tony handles hills and rough ground very poorly. Yorkshire now has a much better chance of getting into a spot to knock him out.”
A loud bang came from the viewer and they heard one of the Pundits shout ‘The starting cannon has fired and they’re off!’. As the ponies gathered in the room cheered, the view had shifted once again, and now with the screen split in two, it showed the two teams of tanks in their starting positions roar their engines and start rolling forwards into the forests and hills ahead of them.
“So why not simply have a team of vehicles like Big Tony?” The gleeful thought danced through the older Princess’ mind.
“Because of the tier system.” Twilight answered patiently, having all the appearance of a school teacher enjoying the opportunity to lecture. “Each vehicle in the sport is rated by its armour protection, how powerful its guns are, its mechanical reliability and its mobility. The officials in the IPF, that’s the International Panzerfahren Federation, the sport’s governing body, take these four factors into account and assign the vehicle to a tier, one through ten. Big Tony is about as big and powerful as vehicles get, but mechanically a bit touchy and very slow, so he’s a tier eight.”
Celestia nodded slowly, digesting all this new information without taking her eyes off the viewer. She was following the image one of the vehicles flying a London team flag, speeding forward and ranging out wide ahead of the rest of the team, the Southend Raiders Tetrarch, according to the caption at the bottom of the screen, but she was careful at the same time to pay attention to Twilight, nodding and casting glances her way to let her know she was listening.
“Now when you select a team, you’re given a number of slots to fill, twenty in this match, and a vehicle occupies one slot for each of its tiers.” Twilight continued her introduction to tanking.
“So Big Tony takes up eight slots, while lower tiered, less powerful vehicles take up far fewer.” Another piece fell into place in Celestia’s mind.
“Exactly. But also teams have to worry about where they will be playing and what the victory conditions for a match are. They’re randomly determined after team lists have been submitted, so it’s safer to go for a well-rounded team that could face any situation, or you risk ending up like London here, trying to play King of the Hill with a small team in unfavourable terrain.”
Twilight never got the chance to explain further what she meant as the Southend Raiders were rocked by explosions, throwing up clouds of dust and dirt with near misses.
“And it looks like we have our first contact of the match already!” Called one of the commentators.
“That didn’t take very long.” A second replied. “Looks like Southend’s Tetrarch has stumbled headlong into Yorkshire’s sights.”
Celestia watched as the tiny light tank swerved this way and that, trying desperately to evade the incoming fusillade of shells. It was like watching a rabbit being chased by a pack of Timber Wolves.
“What in Tartarus are they doing? They’re trying to blow them up!” Celestia stared in shock. How could this violent insanity be considered anything other than a blood sport?
“It’s okay,” Twilight tried to calm her, “All crew compartments are reinforced with advanced composite armours that ensure crew safety,” the younger princess explained quickly, “also they all use specialized rounds that are incapable of penetrating that armour. Nobody has been seriously hurt in Panzerfahren for years.”
Unsure, but accepting Twilights explanation, Celestia watched the Tetrarch defiantly turn its small turret and begin throwing shells back towards it’s attackers, the two pounder gun making loud pow noises as it fired. But Yorkshire were remaining hidden under the cover of the forest, and without a clear target there was little chance the brave little tank was going to hit anything. She could hear Spike and Pinkie calling at the screen, telling them to run, to make their escape, and she found herself wishing the same.
Quickly the Southenders turned away and made a break for their own team, still weaving side to side in their swift vehicle, but Yorkshire weren’t going to let them get away so easily and three tanks emerged from the trees to give pursuit. Celestia recognised the Scarborough Fishermen from the pundits warm up, but had no idea of the other two. They hurled shell after shell at the swift little Tetrarch, relentlessly bombarding it as they chased.
The room was charged with excitement, everypony glued to the frantic drama playing out before them. Applejack and Rainbow Dash crouched, tense and ready to cheer or moan, Spike and Pinkie clung to each other and even Twilight was hooked.
Abruptly the Southenders veered to one side, making a dash for the safety of a shallow gorge that would give them cover, allowing them to slip away. Celestia willed them to make it, they were almost there! Just a few more seconds!
The gathered friends watching the viewer groaned in sympathy as the back of the vehicle detonated, rear drive wheels and pieces of track span away into the air and the vehicle rocked forward as a shell struck home, bringing the valiant little Tetrach shuddering to a halt, spilling smoke into the air. The London flag abruptly retracted, and was replaced with a simple white flag, barely visible behind the billowing smoke.
With the end of the chase, Celestia released a breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding. Her heart pounded in her chest and she’d become perched on the edge of her cushions, leaning forward as though magnetically drawn to the spectacle.
“Heh, you might want to put my fairy cakes to one side, AJ.” Rainbow Dash could be heard smirking. Applejacks response was less audible, but from what could be heard, it involved inserting cakes into the Pegasus.
As the three Yorkshire tanks disappeared back under the cover of the trees, the Sun Princess turned to her young protégé again.
“Are you sure they’re alright?”
“Of course,” Twilights confidant smile eased her more than words could. As if to vindicate her, the screen showed the crew emerge from the disabled light tank, who waved to the camera before a support vehicle arrived to take them out of the match zone.
Despite her initial misgivings, Celestia had to admit, she was exhilarated. She was giddy with excitement, and she wanted to see what was going to come next.
“So does a team win when they take out all the opposing vehicles?”
“They can do, it’s called an annihilation victory, but usually there are other victory conditions as well, capture the flag, capture the base, assassination or flag hunt, but today they’re playing King of the Hill.”
“King of the Hill?” Celestia asked quietly as the match continued. With the initial skirmish out of the way, the two teams seemed to be trying to feel each other out, looking for some weakness, some point of attack. Though they had mostly gone to ground, short lived gun battles erupted at long range, but Yorkshire quickly disbursed whenever Big Tony arrived, unwilling to face him head on.
“It’s one of the game types.” Twilight explained, only half turning so she could keep one eye on the unfolding events. “In King of the Hill there’s a control zone in the middle of the playing area. A team scores one point each minute for each active vehicle they have inside the control zone, as long as the opposing team doesn’t also have active vehicles inside it. At the end of the match, the team with the highest score wins.”
“So having lots of vehicles helps you rack up a big score quickly.” By bits and pieces, Celestia felt she was starting to get the hang of this sport, that it was more than just a brutal slogging match. “And if London send their lighter vehicles to attack the control zone, they might be overwhelmed by Yorkshires superior numbers, and Big Tony would be left vulnerable to attack. But if they concentrate on protecting him instead, they risk Yorkshire gaining an insurmountable lead.”
“You sure you’ve never seen tanking before?” Twilight cast her mentor a suspicious look, “you seem to know more about it than you let on.”
“I’ve been on campaign many times.” Celestia smiled back at her friend with a gleam in her eye, “This isn’t so different.”
By now Yorkshire had comfortably been in command of the control zone for several minutes and had built a substantial lead, while London had yet to even put a score on the board, unable to get close before being swarmed and driven off by the more numerous Yorkshire tanks. They had already lost three more vehicles duelling, though in return two Yorkshire tanks had been knocked out.
But finally, after being carefully escorted the distance and slowly lumbering up steep hills and through dense forests, Big Tony had closed on the control zone. Distracted from his approach by a spoiling attack from his last two escorts, Yorkshire were caught out in the open and unprepared when the brush gave way before the mighty King Tiger. As he entered the clearing, the Yorkshire team panicked, reversing away as they brought their guns to bear on him, hurling shells as fast as they could.
They might as well have been throwing stones.
Even as he sat there, shots pinging harmlessly off his forward armour, Big Tony trained his 88 on the first Yorkshire tank, a Matilda II. Next to the repeated pow of its two pounder gun, the sound of the 88 firing was like the hammer fall of a god and left the smaller vehicle billowing smoke, the white ‘knock out’ flag fluttering in the breeze.
“Nononononononononono!” Rainbow Dash was on her knees watching her winning bet come apart, with Applejack right next to her ginning like a lunatic.
“Bring ‘er home boys!” She hollered while next to them Pinkie and Spike fairly danced with anticipation.
Soon the Matilda II was joined by a second tank, and a third before they finally managed to escape the killing ground. Triumphant, the last three London tanks rolled forward to claim the control zone, unaware of a shadow that appeared in the forests behind them.
“And here comes the Fisherman.” Celestia gave one of her all-knowing smiles.
A 6 pounder shell slammed clean into Big Tony’s rear armour before he could advance even fifty feet. Vulnerable, it gave way, and his engine began to splutter, coughing clouds of black smoke. A second shell struck home, and Big Tony shuddered before the fatally wounded engine coughed its last.
The last two London vehicles turned to face this new threat, only for Yorkshires survivors to return and catch them in a crossfire, which quickly brought the match to an end.
As the siren announcing Yorkshire as the Winner sounded, the image on the viewer returned to the studio, and the two pundits began their analysis of the game, and Twilight looked to her mentor with a wry grin.
“You knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?”
The Princess of the Sun simply smiled back.
“Like I said, I’ve been on campaign many times.”
Applejack though, simply lay down and tried to hide under her hat.
“You know, it’s a good thing no pony made any wagers on London winning the match.” Rainbow Dash said loudly and smugly. “Otherwise they’d be looking a bit silly right about now, not to mention that obscenely large bet they’d have to fork out.”
Applejack responded by trying a little harder.
“Wow, that was an awesome match!” Spike jumped up, “When Big Tony rumbled into the control zone, just ignoring everything, then the Fisherman just snuck up behind him and BOOM! Too bad we don’t have a tank, I’d love to take one for a spin.”
“It’d be more fun than drinking a barrel of AJs cider.” Dashie just couldn’t resist rubbing it in a little further.
“Wut was that?” The work horse growled at her from under her hat.
“I said I wonder where Big Mac and Princess Luna got to.”
Poking her head out from under her hat, AJ finally noticed that at some point, Luna had managed to sneak off with her big brother again.
“Oh horse apples!” she shot off looking for them.
“Oh my gosh, having a tank would be like brrrrrr, and then Booom!” Ever hyperactive pinkie bounced around, pretending to be a bright pink tank. “Then we would rumble round and have so much fun! But we just don’t have one, do we Twilight?” She beamed at her friend, and it wasn’t simply the thought of Pinkie Pie unleashed on Equestria with heavy artillery that made Twilight tap her hooves nervously.
“Well… it’s funny you should mention that…”
Author's Note
Finally!
All constructive critique is welcome :)
