I reached for the stack of black cards and took the one on top. "Okay, so I'm going to read this card and then you all will give me one card from your hands that you think will best fill in the blank. Got it?" I asked.

"Got it!" replied Rainbow Dash.

"Alright. The first card says, 'Today on Maury: Help! My son is ______!'"

"Who's Maury?" Twilight asked.

"He's some guy on TV who settles family disputes over various things," I replied.

"Okay," the young princess replied. She and her friends stared at their cards for a while. I had no way of knowing what they were looking at, and I could only imagine what was going on in their minds. I noticed Fluttershy blushing, and I expected her to do so. This was definitely not something she was used to partaking in.

After about a minute, I had six white cards placed face-down in front of me. I gathered them up, shuffled them, and then held them in one hand in preparation for revealing them. "Now, I'm going to read what you gave to me, and the card that I think works the best with the black card wins." The six ponies nodded as I looked back down at the black card. "Today on Maury," I continued, "Help! My son is," I looked at the first white card and noticed it was a custom one that I had made, "Taking a shit in front of the police station."

Immediately, Rainbow burst into laughter again and nearly fell backwards. "HA! Wow!" she exclaimed.

"Help! My son is...pooping back and forth. Forever..." Rarity made a sound of disgust in response. "My son is...my first kill."

"Dang," Applejack said, "That's pretty dark."

"You're right," Fluttershy replied in a very quiet tone.

"My son is...a pile of squirming bodies? I don't think so. My son is...laying an egg. Okay, we're getting somewhere. And finally, my son is...overpowering your father."

"So...technically he'd be overpowering that guy's father?" asked Rainbow.

"You're right," I replied. "Anyway, let's see. Most of these are pretty good, but having watched that show quite a few times, I think the most appropriate scenario here would be laying an egg. Who had that?"

"I did!" Rarity said in a sing-song voice.

"Well, Rarity," I said as I handed her the black card, "You get the first awesome point!"

"Aw, come on!" Rainbow exclaimed, sounding annoyed, "I want an awesome point!"

"You'll get one eventually, Rainbow," said Applejack, "Just be patient."

"Ugh...FINE..." the impatient pegasus finished.

"Okay, Twilight, since you're next to me, you're up next," I said, "We'll just go in a clockwise motion."

"Great!" she replied as she took the next black card in her magic. "This one says, 'Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it _____?'" I immediately noticed one card in my hand that would be perfect and set it in front of the alicorn. The others were quick to follow, and soon, Twilight began reading what she had. "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it crippling debt?" A few of us laughed at that.

"Wow! You're so far into debt that you can't even afford sex?!? That's so funny!" Rainbow exclaimed.

"Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it depression?"

"Once again, that's pretty dark," said Applejack.

"Is it vomiting mid-blowjob?" Both Rainbow and Pinkie, who were sitting next to each other, giggled quite audibly at that. "Is it ominous background music?" We all shared a laugh at that. "Is it no longer finding any Cards Against Humanity card funny?"

"It's a bit early for that," I mentioned.

"Unless he or she really means it," replied Rarity.

"Is it racial profiling? Oooohhh..." Twilight finished. I knew she knew what that was, given that earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns were all considered to be different races. The alicorn studied her options before looking back up. "Who had depression?" she asked.

"Yes!" Rainbow shouted, "That awesome point is MINE!" Twilight then levitated the black card over to the cyan pegasus.

"I guess it's my turn?" asked Applejack, who was on the other side of Twilight.

"Yep," I replied.

"Alright, let's see what we got here." She then paused as she noticed something on the card. "This one says, 'Pick 2'."

"Okay," I said, "For cards like these, we need to use two of our cards instead of just one. Place the card you want to play in the first blank face-down first, then place the card you want to use for the second blank face-down on top of the first one."

"Got it!" replied Pinkie Pie.

Applejack then spoke again. "So this card says, 'Well, if _____ is good enough for _____, it's good enough for me.'" It took a bit longer for everyone to get their cards in, but I expected that. Eventually, AJ had all the white cards in front of her, and she began to read them. "Well, if a stray pube is good enough for surprise sex, it's good enough for me."

"That's sounds pretty random, but it actually works," I stated.

"Yeah, you're right," replied the orange earth pony, "Well, if fartin' and walkin' away is good enough for my black ass, it's good enough for me." There were some mixed reactions. I didn't know if any of them were actually thinking of donkeys when AJ read the second card. "Well, if my boyfriend's stupid penis is good enough for teenage pregnancy, it's good enough for me."

There were a few, "Ooooooohhh...'s" in response, mainly from Pinkie, Rainbow, and I.

"Well, if runnin' naked through a mall, pissin' and shittin' everywhere is good enough for 24-hour media coverage, it's good enough for me. Hmmm..." The farm mare narrowed her eyes, not knowing if she should find that amusing. "Well, if..." AJ immediately put a hoof to her mouth and began chucking loudly. "They made THIS a card??"

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well, if unsheathin' my massive horse cock...HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!...is good enough for deez nuts, it's good enough for me!"

I laughed so hard that it caused me to temporarily choke on my own saliva. After a few coughs, I regained my composure entirely, or so I thought.

"Well, if sunshine and rainbows is good enough for free ice cream, yo, it's good enough for me. WOW...who had the horse cock combo?"

"ME!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie before she was handed her awesome point. Up next was Fluttershy, but she was looking quite hesitant to take a black card.

"It's okay, Fluttershy," I said, "It's just a game. You shouldn't be afraid to take a card."

"Yeah, come on, Fluttershy!" Twilight said, reassuringly.

"Umm...okay..." the yellow pegasus said. She slowly reached for a black card, picked it up, and read it out loud. "This is the way the world ends," she began, as I quickly recognized the words as those of a famous poem, "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with _____." The remaining six of us were quick to place our white cards in front of Fluttershy. After shuffling them, the timid mare slowly began reading them. "This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with all of this blood."

There were a few audible "Hnnngh...'s" at that.

"Not with a bang but with all my friends dying...oh...oh my..."

"Is there anythin' in here that isn't that dark?" asked Applejack.

"Don't worry, this game rarely goes THAT far," I replied.

"Not with a bang but with sharks with legs." I heard a few mares giggle at that. I, myself, also thought it was funny. "Not with a bang but with being on fire."

"Wow," I said, "That makes so much sense."

"Not with a bang but with weapons-grade pl-plu-plutonium? Is that how it's pronounced?"

"Mmhmm," I replied.

"What's that stuff?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Let's just say you NEVER want to get close to it. It'll poison you to death very, very slowly."

Each of the mares shivered upon hearing that. Fluttershy then continued. "Not with a bang but with actually getting shot, for real."

"Boy, some of these are as dark as they can get," said Applejack.

"Umm...oh my...I-I'm not sure which one to pick," Fluttershy said softly.

"Just go with the one you feel makes the most sense," I told her.

"O-Okay," she replied, "I'll pick being on fire."

"Yes!" said Twilight, cheerfully. Fluttershy then handed over the black card to her.

"You're next, Rarity," I said to the white unicorn across from me.

"Thank you, darling," she replied as she took the next black card in her blue aura. "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to _____." I looked at my hand and found nothing amusing, aside from one card that I thought would kill, or at least reduce, one's sex drive. I placed it in front of Rarity as the others did the same, and soon, the unicorn was shuffling the cards in her magic. "Okay, now, let's see. A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to the placenta. Ugh!" she exclaimed in disgust, "How vile!" All Rainbow and Pinkie could do was laugh. "...After being exposed to words, words, words. Hmmm...I suppose that could work. After being exposed to..." Rarity gave herself a facehoof while cringing. "Two midgets shitting into a bucket..."

"HA!" Applejack laughed, "You should'a seen the look on your face, Rarity!"

"Moving on, now," Rarity said, nonchalantly, "...After being exposed to an asymmetric boob job. Ummm...am I correct that 'boobs' are your way of saying 'teats'?" the unicorn asked me.

"Correct," I replied.

"Very well, then. After being exposed to..." her eyes widened, "This year's mass shooting."

I gave out and audible, "Oooohhhh!!!!..." along with some of the other mares.

"...After being exposed to a web of lies. Well, I suppose one would not be in the mood for intercourse of they were lied to."

"Makes sense," said Twilight.

"Let's see," Rarity continued as she looked over the cards, pushing a few rejects aside, "Hmmm...no...no...who had this years mass shooting?"

"I did!" shouted Rainbow Dash, "Now I'm more awesome than any of you!"

"Rainbow, come on," I began, "It's just a game, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's my turn anyway," she replied as she took the next black card in the stack. "Lovin' you is easy because you're _____."

"This better work..." I said, silently.

"I'm just throwin' this one away," said Applejack.

Rainbow soon began reading the six white cards. "Lovin' you is easy because you're being popular and good at sports. Mmm...maybe. Lovin' you is easy because you're..." she immediately burst out laughing, "The clitoris!" Twilight, Pinkie Pie, AJ, and I all laughed along with the cyan pegasus, and so did Rarity, only less loudly. Fluttershy only blushed. It took a while for Rainbow to regain her composure enough to read the next card. "Lovin' you is easy because you're the swim team, all at once. Probably for Rarity, but not for me. Anyway, lovin' you is easy because you're a team of lawyers. Again, maybe. Lovin' you is easy because you're...the hiccups? No. Lovin' you is easy because you're me." Rainbow and Twilight giggled at that. "These were pretty awesome, but I gotta go with the clitoris. That just took the cake!"

"That's me!" exclaimed Twilight.

"Yay! My turn!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she reached for a black card. She then put on her usual game face as she brought a hoof to her muzzle and made a static-like noise. "Tshsh, this is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for _____." I had a card that I knew made sense in this case, but probably not enough to win. Still, I put it in, and the others put theirs in at the same time. Pinkie was more than ready to read them immediately. "This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for Cards Against Humanity!"

"Yes!" I screamed, "Perfect!" I then started clapping, and a few of the others laughed and clopped their hooves together.

"Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for the tiger that killed my father. Ooohhh... Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for a giant, powdery manbaby. Hmmm... Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for not having sex."

"Yyyyyeahhh...I don't think so," said Rainbow Dash, "I think lots of ponies would be okay with not having sex."

"I think you're right, darling," replied Rarity.

"Anyway," continued Pinkie, "This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for..." she squinted as she looked at the card in front of her, "The terrorists?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed while covering my face with my hands. "OH MY GOD!" I continued while getting up and walking into the other room, my hands moving to the top of my head, "That's so horrible!"

The Mane 6 only looked at me with confused expressions, Rainbow chuckling slightly at my over-the-top reaction (which wasn't over-the-top in my opinion). "Ummm..." Pinkie Pie continued, "Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for half-assed foreplay."

At this point, I was walking back into the dining room, still breathing heavily from my excessive laughing and groaning. "What's wrong, darling?" asked Rarity.

"That...that was so true and yet so wrong," I replied.

"Who are the terrorists?" asked Pinkie Pie.

I immediately stood right in front of her, my hands planted firmly on the table as I looked her dead in the eyes. "Oh, you want to know who the terrorists are???" I asked, loudly, giving her a stern expression. I then went on to explain to everypony what that group of people basically was, and finished by describing a recent attack on the east coast where planes had turned into weapons.

Once I was done, each and every mare was staring at me with the widest eyes I could remember. "Oh..." Fluttershy began, quietly, "Oh my..."

"That's horrific!" exclaimed Rarity.

"Sooooo...yeah, I think I'm going with that one," Pinkie said.

"Uhhh...that'd be me," said Applejack, looking somewhat ashamed.

As she was being handed the black card, I said, "Wow, AJ. That was you??"

"Hey, I didn't know who they were!" she replied.

"You're right, but if my other friends were here, who knows what we'd be doing right now? Anyway, I think we should take a small break so I can calm myself down."

"Good call," said Twilight.

"First dibs on the toilet!" exclaimed Rainbow as she sped off toward the bathroom.

Author's Note

First of all, I'd like to apologize to anyone I may have offended because of what happened on that last black card. In no way do I support the terrorists and/or what they have done to this world. I am fully aware that countless numbers of innocent lives have been taken by terrorism, and I constantly extend my sincerest condolences to any friends or family of anyone lost to these acts. As former President George W. Bush said to the people of the United States of America on September 11th, 2001, "Terrorism against our nation will not stand." This goes not just for the US, but for every nation across the world. Terrorism against any country should not and will not stand.

This is purely a card game that is meant to be enjoyed, but still, there are times when things can go a bit too far. Again, I'm sorry, and you have every right to dislike this story if I offended you.

After the first round, the score is:

Me: 0
Twilight: 2
Applejack: 1
Fluttershy: 0
Rarity: 1
Rainbow Dash: 2
Pinkie Pie: 1