My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

by

I have a jar of dirt

Now, let us assume that you actually found this story. Let us assume that you, the reader, blatantly ignored the chapter warning: you know, the one that says "Don't read this. No seriously, don't." Let us assume that you actually busted through this part and scoffed, and then proceeded to actually read the fic in its entirety. By now, you would be prompted to ask yourself "what kind of retarededly demented turgid piece of decrepit ass shit is this?" or even "what kind of person writes this disgusting slough of cystic anal acid?"

Well here's your answer.

"Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions."-The Bible, Ezekiel 23:19 through 23:20

So you see, God was my inspiration.

Our setting for this shitstorm begins in the royal capital of Equestria, Canterlot. I will now leave over the narrative to our dear guest David Attenborough.

The sun rises over the grand city of Canterlot, as the native inhabitants of equellus caballus, more coloquially know as ponies, leave their homes. The workers are always under close scrutiny by their princess and her loyal guard, so the ponies must work quickly to gain her favors, lest they are deported to the princess' chambers and become her sex slaves for the rest of their lives.

Viewed from above, the ponies show some resemblance to an ant hive, with the drones as the regular ponies, the soldiers as guards, and of course, the princess as their queen, even with her slightly misguiding name. We can observe the crowds of equines moving in a similar fashion to their insect counterparts too, scuttling around the ground in search of gifts to improve the lair (in this case, Canterlot) and make the princess content.

One of the workers seem to diverge from the crowd, emerging into a full gallop and screaming over the top of his lungs something incoherent about democracy. This is typical behavior of the most weak willed individuals of the pony society, who finally crack under the pressure of living under their tyrant's shadow. The guards are quick to pursue the interloper. A short chase begins, finally ending when the guards manage to tackle the insane pony to the ground and drag him off to the royal castle, where the princess will severly punish him for his actions.

Let us now shift our perspective to the royal bedroom. The unfortunate criminal is pushed inside a rather spacious room painted in pink while the door is firmly locked behind him, preventing any further escape from his plight. The princess approaches the terrified victim, clad in leather and with a whip in her mouth, while her prey desperately bangs at the walls adorned with phallic symbols-

Thank you Mr Attenborough, but we shall move on now.

While the benevolent princess Molestia violently raped the poor soul in her bedroom, Twilight Sparke, whose name implies a disturbing similarity to the only vocabulary present among most pre-teen females nowadays, was desperately plowing (lol) through the royal library alongside her assistant (slave) baby dragon, Spike. The latter was clad in a very elegant three-piece suit, completed with a red bowtie, a monocle and a most exquisite MOOSHTASH.

"Twilight darling," the dragon twirled his moostash. "You really shouln't occupy yourself with such trivilalities. The Summer Sun celebration is just around the corner; you wouldn't dream of disappointing your beloved mentor and benevolent tyrant wench, would you?"

"Just because the rest of the populace doesn't know what's going to happen doesn't mean I should take a rest," the unicorn answered back. "Don't you understand, you untermenschen? The other ponies are too occupied kissing Molestia's ass to understand that Mooning Nightmare is returning! And the only way of stopping her is to use the Elements of Harmony, but I have no clue where to find them!"

"Surely you jest miss Sparkle," Spike scoffed while lighting a cigar. "The Elements are a myth, just like Mooning herself. If you feel such concern on the matter, how about a nice chat with the princess over a cup of tea?"

Twilight laughed like an asshole. "Of course you retarded plebian! Maybe I should just as well ask her if she could shove her futa penis up my ass!" She leaned in closer to Spike's face, who blowed smoke in her face. Twilight coughed and smacked the cigar away with her hoof. "No one interrupts Molestia during punishment. Can't you hear it?"

They listened carefully through the library door. The sounds of aroused moaning, desperate wailing and whipping echoed across the palace.

"How about a letter then?" Suggested Spike. "It doesn't technically count as barging into her chambers."

"That semi-brilliant, Spike! I don't get scarred for life seeing Molestia at work, we get the message through, and it gives me a reason to shove something down your throat even though I don't have a dick!"

"How marvelous," the dragon simply said.

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" His mistress bellowed. At this point, Twilight's alzheimer's kicked in, sending her falling down on the floor, uncontrollable spasms rocking her body.

"Twilight dear, How many times did I tell you to take your pills? Obviously working for Molestia and building up secret feelings towards her while still fearing the day she will take you and force you into violent sexual activities has all but crippled your blood pressure."

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP," she bellowed, repeatedly smacking her head against the floor until large blisters appeared on Twilight's face. Another fit struck her, sending her flying into the bookshelves with the force of a grenade and killing a leprechaun that had taken refuge in the wall behind. Twilight turned towards the dragon, her eyes filled with so much blood, rage and pus he would have been atomized on the spot if glares could kill. Her tongue was sticking out of her mouth, rolling around in a similar fashion to what lesbians do to sexually arouse each other, a bit of spit and foam escaping her mouth while her nose dripped with snot. She had another fit.

"WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUU!!!"

"My name is Spike," her assistant calmly answered, "and your pain is my pleasure, you filthy mongrel. Now please calm down before you bite your tongue off."

The unicorn exhaled profoundly. Several terrified Chaos deamons fled her mouth and teleported ack into the Warp, preferring their unholy plane of exisitence over the mad purple creature that walked the normal realm. Twilight Sparkle brought up a quill and parchment and shoved them into Spike's hands.

"Write, peasant." She cleared her throat. "Dear princess Molestia, I have come to the conclusion that in the near future, Mooning Nightmare will escape her prison and rape Equestria in the ass. The only way to stop her is to use the Elements of Harmony, which means that I require your permission to go and look for them. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

With the letter finished, Twilight took it and forced it down Spike's throat, who quickly swallowed it.

After a short while, Spike vomited on Twilight, the foul, greenish substance covering half her body and making small disgusting bits stick themselves to her mane, which prompted the unicorn to vomit herself, making the nauseating pile on the floor grow and spread all over the room. Molestia's scroll rolled off in the corner, covered in vomit, semen and a little blood.

Spike muttered a quick "I say" before picking up the scroll and reading. "My faithful cow whore milk slut twat, the amount of fucks I don't give is immeasurable. How about you get your fat pimply ass to Ponyville for some friendship lessons, you bitch tit udder licking skank. Now leave me the fuck alone while I fuck my willing and eligible stallion, or I will pump my cawk and spray your face with jizz. Love, (not) Molestia. There's a message at the bottom. It says HELP in blood."

Twilight exploded in anger again. "HUERERERKKRERKEU-"

And then Canterlot castle blew up.

A dragon with a monocle and moostash accompanied by a lavender unicorn in a straightjacket flew across the land aboard one of the royal carriages. It thundered across the sky, not stopping at any signs and almost killing a few other pegasi by ramming (lol) into them. Not surprising when the number plate stated "We brake for no one."

"How DARE she!" Twilight fumed. "How DARE she ignore the threat! Equestria is about to get cockslapped by the pony equivalent of Cthulhu and yet our dear queen bitch prefers to fornicate the living daylights out of all our colts! I'm the only one who sane! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT CRAZY!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHEUEUKLRKR-" Twilight gagged on the last part as Spike shoved a teat in her mouth, which the unicorn eagerly sucked (lol) and calmed down.

"Mmmm, strawberry..."

"My dear, please, think of your cholesterol levels. This constant state of unbridled rage cannot go on for much longer."

"But Spike you fucking moron, the country's in danger!"

"These are princess Molestia's orders my dear," Spike stated calmly while smoking a cigar. "As... Peculiar our leader's habits might be, remember she is very old and wise. She would not send us to Ponyville without a reason, hm?"

"Yes, because a ponified, female Peter North is obviously wise, right?" Twilight snarked. "She doesn't even use condoms, Spike! How the fuck isn't she pregnant twenty-four hours seven? Someone must have twisted the uterus into a balloon animal on that god damned cumdumpster whore."

Finally, after another hour of Twilight Sparkle's banter, the carriage descended towards Ponyville. It smashed into the side of a cripple's orphanage and splattered several foals, painting their guts on the wall nearby. A disembodied voice from the sky shouted "Monster Kill!" while Twilight and Spike exited the carriage, not giving a single fuck. The unicorn took out a scroll.

"Alright, so the Summer Sun Celebration is due soon and there are five different ponies leading the preparations." The orphanage burst into flames behind them. "First one on the list is called Pinkie Pie and is the main organizer for the decortions."

She set the scroll down. "Pinkie Pie? Seriously? That's the kind of name I'd expect to find in a children's cartoon."

Spike twirled his moostash again. "My word, Twilight Sparkle, you just made a meta reference!"

"Okay, so we find these idiots, check 'em off, and then we actually do what matters and try to stop Mooning Nightmare."

The duo walked off to the local bakery, which was comically formed like a gingerbread house. A pink (as in PIIIIIINK) pony approached Twilight Sparkle, jumping on her hind legs since she held several burning and screaming orphans.

"Let me guess," Twilight asked her. "Since you are pink and jumping around like an invalid child, you must be Pinkie Pie. Once again, logic wins the day."

The jumpy mare ignored the cries of foals and twisted her neck 180 degrees, a genuinely creepy grin stretching out to cover 75 percent of her face. "Sviđa mi se sjenica jebeni!"

Twilight chuckled nervously. "Okay... Well, I see you seem to have everything under control, then. I'll just be going over there were I will try to keep myself as far away from you as possible while you do... Whatever it is you do with these children."

The bubbly pink mare nodded vigorously, like Molestia pumps her cawk right now thinking of you. "Meine Hunde denke, mein Gewürz Farne sind Juden!" Then she proceeded to take all the foals with her, climbed up to her bedroom by levitating herself to the window and then locked it. Molestia's envoys fled the scene in panic.

Twilight and Spike arrived at the Sweet Apple Acres farm shortly after. The place was without a doubt filthy as all fuck. Manure was piled up everywhere in huge mountains to be used on the fields, with patches of feces littering every part of the farm. Literally nowhere was safe from the deluge of shit.

They approached the place with ill foreboding and heavy stomachs. The air was putrid and festering, like dozens of newborns dipped in blood, licking shit of each other while a pedophile jizzed all over them. Then the infants were thrown into furnaces and burned with ammonium as fuel while old crippled faggots vomited down the furnace chimney and sodomized each other.

A shot rang out and almost hit them, striking just a few feet before them.

"Shit! Sniper!" Twilight cried out as she and Spike dove for cover behind a cart. There was shit on it.

A little yellow filly with red mane and a bow in her hair emerged from the house, holding a smoking shotgun. "Get off our lawn, ya stinkin' fellers! Ain't no outsiders welcome here!"

The unicorn cleared her throat and peeked out from behind the cart. "H- Hello? What's your name?"

"Name's Applebloom, an' imma kick yo city ass outta our family's heritage, ya fag lover!"

"Listen -Applebloom, was it?-, my name's Twilight Sparkle we're just here to check out the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration! There's not need for anything rash!"

The little filly contemplated her words for a while before lowering the shotgun. "Awrigh't, but if ye prove to be Pinkie's frien' imma shoot ya on th' spot!" She then turned towards the house and bellowed with all the force her throat could muster. "BIG MAC! GET OFF YA SISTA'! WE GOT COMPANY!"

Spike started feeling a bit sick. "Dear Molestia, do all country ponies practice inbreeding?"

"Let's hope not. I don't want to witness that in my life."

An orange pony with a Stetson hat left the house after a short while, looking mildly exhausted. Her flank was adorned by three apples as a cutie mark. Also, there was a thin line of white liquid dripping from her behind.

"Phooey!" The mare sighed. "Excuse me fer th' hospitality, but that darn colt jes' keeps on goin' all day long."

"I'm sure that is correct," Twilight say. "After all, this place is like every damn southern redneck stereotype assembled into one single entity."

"What diddya say?"

"I was complimenting your... Southern charm."

"Oh, OK."

The cowpony led the unicorn and dragon to their barn. Twilight was pleasantly surprised: the food looked pretty much untouched by the filth that contaminated the rest of the farm; in fact, it looked pretty damn delicious.

"Not bad," she said. "I can check that from the list then. The dinner seems perfect."

"Yep, got th' whole setup ready fer t'night!" Applejack proclaimed proudly. "Now if ye excuse meh, I gotta brother t' please. Th' whole Apple family is headin' over fer sum fun an' I gotta make sure Big Mac finishes up in time b'fore eh get's too tired fer th' reunion. Gonna be a proper cowmare show!"

It took Twilight two seconds to realise what Applejack had implied. Her brain 404'd.

"Ugh... I'm glad to stay away from that fuckfest. And I'm meaning it literally. Like saying the word cockpit and implying that other meaning."

The unicorn and dragon briskly trotted away from Sweet Apple Acres and made their way back to Ponyville. Both stopped for a short moment to pour some brain bleach through their ears before continuing along the path. Dark clouds were forming across the sky, darkening the entire town as they entered it. Spike reopened the scroll and read.

"The weather patrol is handled by a certain miss "Rainbow Dash," who should be around here somewhere."

"Well obviously the bitch ain't doing her job," Twiligt muttered and pointed a hoof to the grey skies. "Look at this shit! The weather is supposed to be clear and all I'm seeing is Karl Marx's beard covering the sun! Where art this Rainbow Dash thou speaketh of?"

"I'm right here, sweetie."

They both turned around. A cyan pegasus with rainbow-colored mane was lying on a cloud a few feet above them, winking at Twilight and licking her lips while wiggling her hips in a seductive manner.

"You called me?" She asked in a sultry voice.

"Why yes you obvious lesbian," Twilight groaned. "You said you would have the sky completely free of clouds for the celebration, but all I'm seeing up there is the kind of shit I find under my bed when I don't clean it for weeks."

Rainbow Dash descended form her cloud and got so close to the unicorn's face they could practically touch. The pegasus brought a hoof up and caressed the other mare's mane while eliciting a soft moan. "All your talk of beds and dirty things interests me..." she said slowly before smirking. "I like that."

Twilight grew increasingly nervous. For the mighty Fuck's sake, she's too close for comfort... With her face smelling of daisies and wonderfully... Proportioned... Nostrils! She composed herself and batted Rainbow's hoof away.

"Listen you walking gay pride poster," the unicorn growled. "You can make your not at all welcome advances on me later, but right now I want these clouds gone before the Princess comes, or she'll... Uh, uh... FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A STALLION INSTEAD!!!"

Rainbow gasped in horror and fell onto her knees.

"No, please! Anything but that! In my entire life have I been feeding on female cum juices, gaining my sweet prize by seducing and fucking every mare I could come across! It is my life force, the water that fills my Holy Grail, my ambrosium, my nectar from the Gods of sexuality! It is my curse and my divine gift, that can only be tainted by the most vile of substances; semen, the only concotion known to ponykind that can kill me! Please do not impose this cruelty upon me; I'll do anything! I will be your slave, serving your every bidding and even taking flaccid dildos up the ass while I'm bound in leather to a chair made of labial lips!" The pegasus paused briefly in her rant. "Actually, that would be pretty hot. But still! Please do not punish me so unescessarily! Anything but such impunity!"

Twilight Sparkle cackled like a maniac towards the unfortunate mare lying in front of her and raised her hooves while lightning descended from the heavens, crackling loudly across the sky. She leaned in closely.

"Anything, you say?"

"Yes! Anything!"

"Alright then. Clear out those clouds, and then I have something in store for you, something that I think you'll like..."

The terrified pegasus nodded vigorously. "Y- yes, mistress..."

Rainbow Dash tried to wiggle herself free from the sofa in vain; the cords and the metal cage holding her eyes open were simply too strong. The television in front of her sprung to life, the harsh illumination in complete opposition to darkness of the room she was trapped in. She widened her eyes in shock at the screen.

That's professor Snape. Is he... Oh god, his penis looks so much like roquefort... Wha- Oh god no, that's Tinky Winky! No, no, nononono... OH SWEET MOLESTIA THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE!!! LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT-

A madly grinning Twilight Sparkle walked down the street towards the Carousel boutique, a disgruntled Spike in tow.

"My dear, there is a fine line between kinky punishment and barbarism," Spike stated. "Letting that mare watch a cartoon specifically designed by the Chinese to traumatize and brainwash our youth is one matter, but forcing others to watch Rule 34 of it is without a doubt an act so terrible it makes Caligula look like a charitable and jolly pleasant fellow. You could be sent to the Hague tribunal for crimes against Lif itself, you know."

"Nah, I would probably be shot on sight and then let crows feast on my insides while a legless black man played the tuba," his slave driver answered matter-of-factly. "But enough of that. We only have to inspect the clothing and the music, and then we can stop Mooning Nightmare."

They entered the boutique. Contrary to the farm, this place was immaculately clean, with several magnificent well-designed dresses sparkling with gems hanging neatly in displays. The indigo walls were adorned with beautiful decorations in various pleasant colors.

"Finally someone who hopefully has some class in this incestual town," Twilight said and smiled in appreciation.

The supposed owner of the shop descended down the stairs. Spike gasped in awe. The unicorn in question was a beautiful mare, with a bright white coat and a perfectly combed, twirly purple mane. Ocean blue eyes stared into the dragon's soul and melted his heart, making him fill up with all sorts of conflicting feelings.

"'Sup, foo?"

Then he died.

The unicorn approached Twilight and high-hoofed her. The purple mare returned the gesture with some suspicion.

"Don't ya just stand there, gurl," the owner exclaimed in a very broad accent and patted her on the back. "My crib is yo crib! Welcome to Rarity's boutique, nigga! Where everythin' is chic, unique and magnifique an' all that shit!"

"Uh, yes, I can see that," Twilight chuckled nervously. Canterlot citizens usually looked down upon the whole nigger culture, and Molestia's student was no different. This creature didn't seem too invasive in her opinion though: maybe they weren't all that bad.

Rarity led them deeper into the shop. To Twilight's surprise, Tupac was sitting on a chair in the corner, reading through the latest edition of "Da Hoodz magazine." He bore a heavy gold chain with the words "Warrior" hanging from it over his sleeveless shirt and a cap.

"Tupac?" Twilight gasped. "But... You're dead!"

"Nuh uh brutha," the black ex-rapper shook his head. "The God almighty gave this nigga a second chance in spreadin' the luv here in Equestria, an' imma do my part in serving the Lord, see? Rarity here," he pointed towards the mare, who gave him a quick "yo" as a greeting, "she understands my philosophy, see? We gonna spread the word on the streets, and all the cats out there are gonna hear it."

"Amen brotha," the white unicorn stated before sharing a brofist-hoof with Tupac.

"S' right. Ain't no one."

There was a cry outside and a loud gunshot, followed by several shouts.

"Gimme ya money, bitch! Dontcha try anything stupid!" A painfully white voice was heard.

"Help! A wild wigger is robbing me!"

Tupac shot up from the sofa and adorned a pair of black sunglasses before turning towards the ponies in the room.

"The streets are cryin' for help against the crackheads, an' Tupac's gonna answer that cry!"

Then he pulled out two Glocks, jumped out of the window by smashing it and rode away on a bike towards the commotion. Rarity wiped away a tear.

"Go on an' make me proud brutha," she whispered. "Ain't no one."

It took Twilight a while to get her hands on the Necronomicon and revive Spike before they pressed on to the cottage outside of town. The dragon had desperately tried to get his hands on a Bible to "pray the black away" (that fucking closet Westboro baptist), but his search was fruitless.

As they arrived towards the secluded house on the hill, they marveled at how idyllic the place was. Little critters skipped around and chased each others playfully while birds chirped in the tree branches.

Several beautiful singing voices could be heard coming from a field nearby. The duo emerged into it and saw a canary-yellow pegasus with a pink mane conducting several singing birds, all perfectly whistling a tune that echoed across the calm nature.

Almost all the birds. One of them kept screeching more than making any melodic sounds at all. The pegasus mare stopped them to correct the offending bird. That's when Twilight decided to approach her. The mare heard her approaching and turned to face Twilight, a smile gracing her features that could sooth Belzebub himself.

"Oh, hello," the pegasus said. Her voice was very gentle.

"Sorry to disturb you now, but I couldn't simply interrupt the music. That was wonderful!"

The mare's smile grew a bit wider. "Oh, well thank you. We've been practicing hard for the celebration, and everyone is trying their hardest for the performance." She extended her hoof. "I'm Fluttershy." The unicorn shook it.

"Twilight Sparkle, pleasure to meet you. I was sent here to oversee the preparations, but everything seems to be in order here."

"Well, thank you."

Spike brought up the scroll and checked her off while Twilight yawned and streched herself. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll head back to town. It's been a busy day."

"But of course," Fluttershy nodded in understanding. "See you at the celebration then."

What a pleasant filly, Twilight mused as she and Spike walked back to Ponyville. At least someone's sane in this town.

Fluttershy watched Molestia's envoys disappear behind the trees and turned towards the bird that had sung out of tune. It shrunk back in fear.

"Now now little birdy," the pegasus grinned wickedly. "You've been a bad wittle cwitter and deserve to be punished..."

She took out a long, sharp knife and sliced the bird in two parts vertically, spilling blood and intestines all over the field. Fluttershy proceeded to yank out the eyeballs with her weapon and shove them into each lung by puncturing them, spraying even more gore across the grass in a small fountain of red. Then she ripped out the guts, hacked them up and forced the remains down the other mortified birds' throats as capital punishment. Fluttershy moaned in excitement as she inserted the two corpse halves into her vag and pumped, spraying female orgasm juices all over it after several minutes of self-pleasuring.

And I did not just make a retarded necrophiliac parody of Cupcakes. Nuh uh.

Twilight and Spike entered the library (which was in a tree, by the way, as you might not have known, 'cause that's how things are done in Ponyville), which had been set up as her base of operations in the town by royal decree.

"Finally home," she sighed. "I've spent all day running around and dealing with a pedo creature born from the bowels of 4chan, an incestual redneck family, a lesbian slut and a negro unicorn that is housing the still living Tupac. I'm getting too old for this shit."

"Twilight dear, you are barely of legal age, not implying it pornographically," Spike stated.

"Shut the fuck up gentleasshole," the unicorn growled. "I've always wanted to say that, and I'm damn well gonna say it. Now let's do what's actually important and find the Elements to stop Mooning Nightmare."

She pushed the door open.

"SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA!"

Twilight was pushed back by the force of the shouting. When she got back on her feet, her eyes widened and she dropped her jaw at the sight. The library was filled with ponies partying their flanks off, with the usual festivity clichés going on like unsober ponies lying on the floor, couples fucking in the bathroom, loud obnoxious music and even a drunken fight or two. A large banner hang from the ceiling, with the words "Welcome to Ponyville" stenciled upon it. Also, someone had used a red marker to draw a squirting penis on the banner with the words "twolgt spakl suks dic" written under.

The pink tornado of destruction that was called Pinkie Pie twirled across the room and stopped a few inches in front of Twilight's face, who was unnervingly reminded of Rainbow Dash's little teasing.

Those... Damn... Nostrils!

Pinkie took a deep breath before verbally assaulting Twilight. "Nuclearweaponsdeliverythetechnologyandsystemsusedtobringanuclearweapontoitstargetisanimportantaspectofnuclearweaponsrelatingbothtonuclearweapondesignandnuclearstrategyadditionallydevelopmentandmaintenanceofdeliveryoptionsisamongthemostresourceintensiveaspectsofanuclearweaponsprogramaccordingtooneestimatedeploymentcostsaccountedfor57%ofthetotalfinancialresourcesspentbytheunitedstatesinrelationtonuclearweaponssince1940-"

Applejack shoved an apple into Pinkie's mouth to silence her. It tasted like raisins. "Pinkie, don't ya scare our guest off. Ah'm done with brother now, so you can have a go if ya want."

The pink pony gasped before flying to the toilets, loudly proclaiming "I am watching you pee!" and then fell up the stairs to the bedroom. The cowmare chuckled at her antics before pulling up Twilight, who was lying on the ground. The unicorn eyes were lazily spinning around.

"Error, Windows has encountered an error and must now delete System 32," she slurred. "Are you sure you want to proceed?" She returned back to normal and shook her head. "Holy Molestia of Nazareth, what the flying fuck just happened?"

"Eh, that's just Pinkie for ya," the orange pony answered her before smiling widely at her. "Well c'mon in! We've got drinks, LSD-"

"How'd it get burned?" A stallion at the far side of the room shouted. "How'd it get burned?!! HOW'D IT GET BURNED??!!"

"-Yep, and sum' pleasant company. It's all gonna be dandy!"

Twilight seethed with barely contained irritation. "I don't have time for this shit!" She hissed through gritted teeth before rudely pushing Applejack out of the way. "I've got a world to save and you inbreds keep stalling me!"

Spike followed her into one of the unoccupied rooms of the library. She slammed the door shut.

"Gee, what's her problem?" Rainbow Dash asked, having witnessed the whole affair from afar.

"Dunno pardner, but she sure ain't friendly."

They stayed there in silence for a while. Suddenly, Rainbow smacked Applejack on the ass.

"OW! Ya rascal!"

"That's what you get for calling me a fag earlier today, bitch!"

"Imma mighty tired of ya ways, Rainbow! If I had mah shotgun, ya would be full of holes!"

"Oh yeah? Try me then! Try me-"

Then they made out.

"...Onee vialeth of witchs bloodeth, thou has onceth procured oneth peneth ofeth the elketh, grindeth it withethhth a pesteleth and mortareth. Andth thiseth howeth youeth maketh metheth."

Twilight threw away the book in frustration which promptly collided with Spike's head.

"Damn it! Not a single book references the location of the Elements of Harmony! This is hopeless!"

The dragon assistant as meanwhile muttering something under his breath and rubbing his head. "At least your aim isn't hopeless, darling."

She skimmed through the books again.

No... No... Nothing... No... AHA! I knew it!

Twilight pulled out a volume entitled "Where to find the Elements of Harmony" from the pile and read through it.

Maybe this book could give me a clue!

She opened up the first page.

"The Princess arrives!" A guard exclaimed from the main room. Twilight groaned in frustration and put the book back into the shelf, memorizing its location before trotting out to witness Molestia's arrival.

All of the ponies were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their beloved monarch. The mayor of Ponyville trotted up to the altar and cleared her throat before beggining her speech.

"Fillies and gentlecolts-"

"YEAH!!! YOU ROCK!!!"

"Why thank you," she smiled. "it is a great honor to-"

"I MEAN IT! YOU ROCK!"

"Yes, well, it is a great honor to-"

"GODDAMN, COUGAR! YOU'RE HOT!"

The mayor visibly blushed. "Eh, uh, well..."

"SHOW ME SOME ASS!!!"

The mayor was now hiding her burning cheeks from the crowd. A couple of guards escorted the disturbing colt out of the room, who continuedly kept screaming obscenities and praising the mayor's "dat ass." She regained her composture and cleared her throat again.

"As I said, it is a great honor-"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA!!!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" The mayor bellowed and stormed down the stage. Too late she realized who stood on the balcony above her. When she noticed the shocked expressions of the other ponies, she turned around and gasped.

Towering above the crowd stood an alicorn black as night, with snake-like eyes gazing down deviously at the fearful ponies. She was adorned in silvery armor, covering her horn and chest, while her dark blue mane and tail waved in the air with stars sparkling in them.

Also she had a huge ass that could rival the mayor's.

In short, Mooning Nightmare had arrived.

She bellowed another stereotypical villain laugh. Lightning descended from the heavens and the souls of undead infants and german fatsos clad in bratwurst suits singing songs about rye bread screamed overhead, terrifying the ponies and forcing into cover.

"Whores and gentlepimps! I, Mooning Nightmare, haveth returned from mine banishment on the moon, and shalt overthrow the rule of thine tyrant Molestia! Under my rule, there shalt be nothing but eternal night, and mountains worth of anal rape! For I am... MOONING NIGHTMARE!!!"

She flashed her ass towards the crowd as more lightning cracked overhead. Rainbow Dash orgasmed.

"You won't get away with this, you toilet slut!" Twilight challenged. "Molestia will come and fuck you up the butthole like a french prostitute Mooning, remenber that!"

"And yet, I doth not see her in thine presence," the ruler of night and asses countered with a smirk.

There was a long silence weighting on the room: nobody dared to move. Mooning Nightmare laughed again and even more lightning fell down onto the ground. She looked up.

"Hey! I told you to tone down with the fucking lightning!" She turned back to the ponies below. "Well then, pray tell, where dost thou beloved monarch reside, hmm? Feh! Thine cowardly ruler has fled! And now I shall rule these lands as my own!"

She stopped in mid-stride and cursed. "Damn it! My obligatory anus sex toys! I forgot them! Oh well, this shall not take long." Then the dreaded mistress of the night and asses spread (lol) her wings and took off into the sky.

The crowd erupted into a panic.

"No! She's gonna buttrape us!"

"I don't wanna die!"

"My ears are pointy!"

Twilight disappeared into the commotion and made her way to the library again. Rainbow Dash noticed her and waved over her friends, who quickly followed the unicorn.

"Nononono... Ah! There it was!" She quickly skimmed through the pages of the book. "There! The Elements of Harmony can be found in the Old Royal Castle, situated in the Everfree forest!"

"What the fuck are the Hellements of Armory?"

"Gah!"

Twilight blinked at the sight of Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy standing over her.

"What are you doing here?!"

"That's not important!" Rainbow Dash spat. "You know how to stop her, right? Then say how!"

Twilight sighed in frustration. "The Elements are five old magical doohickeys; the Elements of Generosity, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter and Loyalty, that can combine like some sort of Gundam or shit and reveal the sixth element, which is Magic. Then it makes an orbital frienship cannon that blasts evil guys and restores peace and everyone is happy and sunshine and has teh friends." She groaned. "Wow, this must be how Peter Chimaera feels."

"So them thingys can stop Mooning?" Applejack asked.

"Yeah, only they happen to be in the fucking Everfree forest. And that sucks."

The mares contemplated the challenge in silence. Fluttershy interrupted them.

"Where's Molestia anyway?"

The slaughter house's walls were lined with burning upside down crosses, which all cast an eerie light on princess Molestia as she slowly leaned over the ninety year old jewish black Christian Eurasian white gay retarded cancer patient's face and spread her own very light ass-cheeks. Hitler and Stalin gasped in awe and ecstasy as they watched and sodomized each other. Molestia strained, perspiration breaking out across the massive swastika tattooed across her face. Snort cocaine off a priest's dick.

The six ponies stood at the very edge of the Everfree forest. Unearthly growls and terrifying shrieks coupled with Michael Jackson's giggling echoed across the treeline. The trees were actually not trees at all, but sinister, rusty contraptions sprouting out fleshy tendrils into the sky. Tortured souls were fused into said vegetation, crying out bone-chilling screams as their guts were forced out of their stomach and throat and their bloated, swollen bodies pulsated with pus-filled cancer tumors and bloody hooks impaling their bodies and dismembering them without actually killing the victims. Some of the branches were instead rotten gallows, where all kinds of skeletons dangled in the putrid air. A few of them were undead, forced to spend the rest of their lives in intense agony as all kinds of masochistic eldritch abominations took terrible pleasure in torturing them and themselves by reading the complete Twilight series... Forever.

"Meh, I've seen worse," Twilight Sparkle said and casually shrugged. When the others gave her questioning looks, she simply answered "Molestia's torture room." The others shivered.

The group entered the hellish place, which immediately tried to scare away the brave travellers. Harpies and butts with bat wings descended upon them, cawing and brandishing their claws in their faces. An infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters spawned from nowhere and began typing the complete works of Shakespeare. They even saw the shadow of Freddy Krueger stalking them, occasionally dragging the corpse of a victim and dumping it in front of the trembling mares before fleeing into the foilage (the bushes were burning, by the way).

A manticore sprung out in front of them, roaring and bareing its bloodied, jagged teeth. Its scorpion-like tail waved around menacingly in front of them as the manticore prepared to pounce on the defenceless ponies.

Fluttershy, however, simply smiled and pulled out a cherry-flavored lollipop before advancing towards the damned creature, ignoring the warnings of her friends.

"Flutters! Come back!"

"Yo dawg, dat's dangerous!"

Fluttershy was standing just a few inches in front of it now, smiling sweetly at the manticore and offering the treat, which it greedily took from her. The creature gave it a taste and barked, starting to suck (lol) on the wonderful sugary food the nice pegasus had offered it.

"See?" Fluttershy turned towards the others. "All you need to do sometimes is to show a little kindness."

Then she sliced the manticore's throat open with a surgical knife and tore out the larynx. The creature let out a strangled cry before the blood eventually filled its lungs and drowned it on dry land. Fluttershy grinned and wrapped herself in the slimy tube she had acquired.

"Look Rarity! I'm fashionable!"

"Not cool dawg. Not cool."