My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

The passengers cowered in fear as the masked men travelled down the aisle of the aeroplane, holding their weapons in clear view for everyone to see. The message was clear: you move, you die. In the cockpit stood a single man with a middle-eastern complexion and a small mustache, holding a gun pressed to the terrified pilot's head and a video camera pointed towards his own face in the other hand. Suddenly, the pilot eyes widened in terror; the plane was heading right for the side of a building! His captor merely grinned and looked at the camera with a smile.

"Hi, I'm Khalid al-Mihdhar, and this is Jackass."

"What the fu-"

Everything erupted on fire.

My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

Chapter 4: IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

"ENOUGH!" roared Twilight as a wave of necrotic flesh spilled from every other ventilation shaft and rushed towards her, brandishing rusted weapons packed with bullets covered in spikes and mutated limbs weaponized by the devious designs of the Nightmare.

"WEAKLINGS! YOU WOULD DARE CHALLENGE THE SPARKLE!" She swung the deadly, man sized jaw bone and cut down the first dozen combatant forms that lurched forwards. A tsunami of shredded yellow flesh sprayed over her glistening muscles.

"I'LL SHOVE CURLY STRAWS THROUGH YOUR SKULLS AND DRINK YOUR FUCKING SOULS!" Twilight punched a zombie so hard that it died all over again, and then came back to life and she killed it again. Motherfucker.

Twilight grabbed a chain saw that was on the ground and started it. She swung it like a combat knife, sawing through wave after wave of zombies with a backhand grip, just like a pro knife fighter like Steven Segal would except with a chain saw. Billions of zombies fell to her pro-like skills, and Twilight let out a roar of triumph. She grabbed a roll of duct tape and taped the chainsaw to her horn, so that wherever she looked everything would die—assuming of course that it was close enough for her to see it. Twilight swung her head left and right, casting her chain saw laser eye beams about the dank chambers of that blood hazed torture gulag known as the Labyrinthion. A fluid that was fifty percent liquefied flesh, fifty percent blood, and ten percent fuck went everywhere, covering everything with itself.

"YES!" Twilight threw her hooves to the ceiling, caught them on their way down, and then used them like ninja sticks to beat the ever loving shit out of every single zombie in the room.

Suddenly a dinosaur attacked! It was a T-REX, its once majestic body twisted and deformed by the invasive designs of the foul, corrupting influence of steroid abuse. Where the tiny T-REX arms used primarily for mid-coital back rubs had once been, now there were equally tiny tentacular appendages used for mid-coital deep tissue massages. Also, two enormous testicular fire sacks hung from its broad chin, full of mighty cumfire ready to spray instant death.

"HEHEHEHEHEHA HA HA HA HA!" roared the T-REX in the voice of acting star and pop culture sensation Bruce Campbell, "SPARKLE, YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED TYRGRHAXGAHRATYRGRAXHARGRAX BUT YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME."

"SILENCE, GIANT SACK LIZARD." Twilight flexed her body, causing the chain saw to pop off her head and fall to the ground, its mechanism too clogged with gelatinous chunks of shredded gore meat to work anymore. Twilight picked up a half loaded assault rifle from the floor, punched into it, and pulled out a handful of bullets.

"FOOLISH PONY," laughed the Brucasaurus. "YOU NEED A GUN TO FIRE BULLETS."

"FEH," said Twilight. "I NEED NO BULLETS TO FIRE A GUN!" Then she threw the bullets at the Camballsaurus so hard that they accelerated to seven times the velocity of normal gun bullets and all penetrated the cum fire sack on the dinosaur's head. Hot napalm spewed out of the hole in the sack.

"AAAIEEEE!" screamed the T-REX in the voice of David Sedaris. "THE PAIN-THE PAIN!"

Twilight turned away like she was some pro shit. "I CARE NOT FOR YOUR SENSATIONS."

As the Dinosaur fell Twilight walked on, itching for more combat. A group of zombies barged around the corner and charged her. Among them were, shockingly, hundreds more Campbellsaurs, their massive testicle chins swinging to and fro as the charged on their huge chickensaur feet, caring for naught that they crushed puny undead beneath. But above them all stood a creature of magnitifuderence far beyond the pale of normal words. It was composed of a million dead bodies, all fused together to create a single, terrible, fleshy, bony, calciferous arm; billions of other dead bodies were also part of it, and they made up its other arm and both legs. The dead bodies had merged into a single unit, a massive flesh golem without a face, without a nose or eyes or ears—indeed, without a face, but for its massive gaping The Maw that oozed constant pus and gaseous exchanges from the continually hell furnace hot core of its rotted being. It was the size of a house—nay, two houses! The monstrosity raised one club like hand to point at Twilight Sparkle.

She stared back at the demon without a trace of fear. "THIS," stated the great warrior "IS AN ABOMINATION THAT MUST BE PURGED." She began to flex her muscles, but that was only the beginning. After she finished flexing her muscles, Twilight pulled a rail road spike from the wall and jammed it into her own chest, making a blood sacrifice to Mars, the God of War.

"OH GREAT MARS!" roared Twilight as the infinite horde approached. The literal wall of zombies toppled over, then restacked, then toppled over, spilling its towering wall of flesh over and over again as an infinite amount of undead foes pressed towards the single mare alone.

"OH GREAT MARS I CALL ON YOU IN MY HOUR OF NEED. GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CLEANSE THIS ULCER FROM THE UNDERBELLY OF THE EARTH."

The Sparkle brought up a hoof, punched into her own chest, and pulled out her own heart with the railroad spike in it, raising it high to the heavens as an offering.

Time stopped.

From the very air itself a portal emerged—a portal of screaming mouths, eyes, of souls banished to oblivion forever. A figure clad in bleached white robes and a copper crown strained from the Black Gate, pulling against a hundred maleficent arms that tried to pull him back. Twilight watched the figure struggle.

Men do not need help.

The figure finally collapsed to the ground before her, and yet when it stood it stood with stately precision and grace. The man surveyed her with brilliant eyes, hands folded humbly before her.

"So. Twilight Sparkle," said Julius Caesar. "You would make an offering of your heart to our god, Mars?"

"AYE," stated Twilight, squeezing her heart. Some blood came out. "WHAT OBJECTION DO YOU HAVE, MIGHTY CAESAR?" she asked, for she well knew that the only time men ever need to talk to each other is when they disagree.

"I come to offer you a warning, my daughter," said Caesar sagely. "Listen well: I smote the facile Republic of Rome and in its place imposed the hardcore rule of my iron dick-will. And yet, at the last, I stood alone at the feet of the statue of Pompey Magnus, my arch nemesis and once ally. I died there, surrounded by weak fools, the very power of Rome itself just out of grasp. So I say to you now, Twilight Sparkle, remember me: though I ruled the world with all the power one could ever have, I was never invincible. Know this as you offer your meat and blood to the God of War. Remember me. Remember me! REMEMBER ME!"

And then Great Caesar's Ghost turned and strode without fear into the black hell mouth, which closed with a crack of thunder and a rushing of sensation as time returned to normal.

Twilight nodded silently to the Ghost of Caesar, wherever he may have been. "I WILL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS, GREAT MENTOR, FRIEND, AND…FATHER."

Then she cut her own heart in half and threw her hoof to the sky, clutching the very essence of her life.

The fucking ceiling broke open.

A blood night red sky was revealed, and in its dead center a black moon as black as night hovered. The stars fell out of the sky all around, crashing down through the remnants of the ceiling to clatter to the floor around Twilight's feet. The black moon became bigger, bigger, larger, moving closer and closer. Everyone stared, even the zombies, until the Twilight realized what it was.

It was an eye. A great, monospherical eye, the eye of Mars himself. And the red around the eye was not the sky, but the ruddy face of Mars. And the stars that had fallen to earth were his dandruff, which was made of diamonds.

"YOU HAVE CALLED ME, AND I HAVE COME!" came a voice that shook reality itself. "YOU HAVE GIVEN ME YOUR LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR POWER. KNOW NOW THAT ONCE SUCH A PATH IS TAKEN, IT MAY NEVER BE RECINDED UPON."

"ONLY A WEAK MARE KNOWS," spat Twilight into the eye of the god. "I DO."

"YOU HAVE SPIRIT," chortled the God. "SO BE IT!" There was a flash of light that seemed to wipe away all the shadows that had ever been cast. When the world blinked bleary eyes and looked, Twilight was holding the Spear of Destiny in her hooves.

She looked down at the weapon, then at her smooth unblemished chest where moments ago there had been a terrible wound. The Sparkle could no longer feel her heart, and the truth dawned on her.

Her body was now running on pure testosterone.

Twilight held the spear head of the spear of destiny in her hoof and turned towards the infinite undead horde. The dim light of the library glinted off the ebony length of the weapon that had killed the Christian God.

She pointed at the zombies.

"COME THEN. COME TO YOUR DEATHS."

They did, their billion footfalls shaking the very earth itself. The maniple of charging Brucesaurs that breathed liquid jizz fire charged too. Twilight growled and swung the Spear of Destiny at them. Something huge and white blossomed from the spear tip, shooting towards the zombies with a righteous fury. It was a Jesus Christ. The son of god shot into the horde at ten thousand miles per hour, spearing one of the Mega Scrotal dinosaurs in the heart. Blood and pus flew everywhere, and as The Sparkle swung the great black spear again another Jesus erupted from its tip, cutting a swath of destruction through the horde with his holy host.

The two Jesus super clones rose from the blood soaked wreckage their holy bodies had wrought and turned to each other. Each was wearing nothing but a loin cloth and two over lapping bandoliers that held nothing but bullets in the shapes of crucifixes. The first Jesus turned to Twilight.

"My daughter," he said solemnly, his flowing brown beard contrasting nicely with his very white, anglo saxon skin stretching over a bulging thirty six pack and pectorals the size of six ounce steaks. "My daughter…I require a boon of you."

Twilight took a knee. "WHAT DO YOU WISH OF ME, WHITE GOD?"

Jesus reached into his loin cloth and produced a pair of sunglasses, which he then put on.

"Guns," said the first Jesus. "Lots of guns."

Twilight nodded wordlessly, because real men speak as few words as possible to each other. She swung the spear in the general direction of the Jesuses, which as well as producing a third Jesus to join them also created an entire gun rack full of weaponry.

"Looks like we got ourselves a holy trinity," said the second Jesus to the first Jesus.

"You're blessed right," stated the third Jesus, putting on two pairs of sun glasses.

He grabbed a crossbow made of the bones of liberals off of the rack, then removed exactly twelve crucibolts from his bandolier and loaded them into the automatic loading clip on the crossbow, which was shaped like the pope's hat. At the same time, the other two Jesuses loaded up; the first Jesus equipped himself with a machine gun that shot razor blade sharp wafers at two thousand rounds per minute. The second Jesus grabbed an enormous papal mace that even he had to wield with both hands. The mace was covered in spikes shaped like the pope's hat.

"God bless," growled the first Jesus. "Let's go kill these blessed cocksuckers."

Meanwhile, the rest of the Mane 6 had pursued their companion into the bowels of the stygian halls of the Labyrinth, witnessing the destruction she had wrought in her path. Liquefied bodies and blood were smeared everywhere across the walls; not an inch of the corridors wasn't covered in messy liquids.

"Daaamn foo, Twilight cleaning up in da house tonight," said Rarity as she wiped off some brain matter that was stuck to her hooves.

The mares kept following the corpse-ridden path to Twilight before thet noticed lights emerging from a door in the middle of the corridor. As they opened the door, they were greeted with a sight that made them raise their eyebrow in surprise. Neatly organized plastic chairs and tables filled the room, where scores of Nightmare zombies milled around or stood in line for the cafeteria. An overweight zombie food lady with an apron and the meanest look you've ever seen on a regular living food lady poured some mysterious, moving greyish sludge onto the eagerly awaiting zombies' plate with her ladle. Casual conversations were heard across the room, drowning out the slow elevator music that played in the background. Hey, even undead, bloodthirsty abominations spawned from the nightmares of fat roleplayers and following the cult of an anal fetishist have to eat sometimes.

Rainbow's jaw unhinged. "What the fu-"

Every single conversation in the room went silent as all the zombies turned towards the ponies. Silverware clattered onto tables and plates were dropped in surprise as an uncomfortable silence settled over the mess hall. No one even bothered to notice the tumbleweed roll across the floor.

At that moment the cafeteria's cook burst through the kitchen door. In one hoof he held a pie that gleamed with a deadly light. He threw it like a saucer and the pie zinged towards Rainbow, who cried out in panic and threw herself to the side, narrowly avoiding being decapitated.

"FOOD FIGHT!"

Applejack and Pinkie kicked over a few tables while everypony dove to cover, french fries and salad flying over their heads and pinging against their cover. The zombies laughed madly as they slowly approached the cowering mares. One of the zombie officers stood up on a table and started waving a severed head in the air.

"HA HA HA! You will drown in your own viscera!"

A rookie zombie that wanted to be just like the veteran picked up a severed penis and started swinging it around too. Everyone interrupted the fight to stare at him. Fluttershy laughed like an asshole.

Applejack used the distraction to lob a platter of mystery meat at a group of zombies, who noticed it too late and were blown to reddish-brown meat chunks that rained own upon the other undead. The others quickly snapped back into action and started throwing food into the direction of the cowmare, forcing her to take cover again while the ponies returned fire.

"Aauugh!" screamed a female zombie as she was hit in the face by a salvo of onion rings, courtesy of Rainbow Dash. The projectiles tore a piece of her head off. She crumpled to the ground.

"You motherfuckers!" Yelled another zombie, who started lobbing hoofulls of macaroni at the mares before being hit by two onion rings in the chest. Nearby an entire cheeseburger had embedded itself into a zombie's chest. A zombie doctor stood crouched over him, trying to remove the burger as ketchup oozed from the wound.

"I'm done for doc!" gurgled the victim. "Tell my best girl... That I love her..." His mouth slowly filled with ketchup and his eyes went dark.

"Noooooo!" screamed the doctor. He stood, and started throwing cans of beans at the ponies. "Filthy ponies! Take meeeee! Take me instead!"

"War is serious business," commented Applejack. Then she threw a hotdog like a spear towards the doctor and impaled him in the head, sending the body crumpling to the ground as a blast of ketchup and mustard exploded from his shattered skull.

"Ah wonder how that penis got severed," Applejack muttered.

"Kicked in the dick?" Rainbow suggested.

Suddenly, everyone cowered in fear as the food lady jumped over the counter. Between her hands rested a massive chaingun, which she started spinning up. Rainbow urged the others to duck.

"Take cover!"

A hailstorm of superheated, armor-pirecing french fries streamed out of the weapon as spent casings clattered onto the floor. The food lady erupted into laughter as she saw the projectiles slowly eat away at the ponies' cover. She never noticed Pinkie Pie, who had managed to slip away undetected and cannonballed towards the nutrient wench at several thousand miles per second. She barely had time to scream before the pink pony slammed into her. The force was so powerful the lady exploded into a bloody mist, her eyeballs and intestines spreading out all acroos the room. Pinkie stood up from the epicenter of the blast apparently unharmed and picked up the chaingun, spraying deadly salvoes of fries at the zombies. Dozens of undead fell in the gory massacre before they managed to take cover. Still, Pinkie held down the trigger, her body shaking violently in tact with the massive weapon she cradled.

"Giggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggity!"

The last remaining zombies were quickly dispatched by the mares. A few of them tried to tackle Rarity to escape, but she quickly countered with a power fist.

"Rap Battle Blast!"

The black hadouken in the shape of DMX's head struck the zombies, who were completely vaporized on the spot. As the last few zombies were decapitated by a pizza thrown by Fluttershy, silence resettled over the room with only the calm muzzak in the background playing. Corpses littered every nook and cranny of the mess hall, many with grevious wounds caused by impalement or disemboweling by foodstuffs. A single tumbleweed rolled across the floor along with a few severed heads.

Pinkie stood up on the table with her chaingun held in one hoof and produced a pair of black shades.

"Today's special is me..." she put the shades on. "With a side order of death."

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

The Jesuses turned as one, one might say in unison, or in other words as a trinity, to face the oncoming zombie horde. The first Jesus aimed and fired his crucibow, sending a single crucibolt towards the zombies. These were no longer ordinary zombies, for they had evolved and were now covered in spikes. They were called xombies.

The crucibolt, travelling at the speed of 3 wise men combined (faster than light), slammed into the milling throng so hard that it created a crack in their bodies that spread throughout the horde as if it were one body, when in fact the crack somehow spread over all of their bodies. They all split messily in half, spilling their bloody organs everywhere in a huge sloppy eruption. But the crucibolt kept on going; it smashed into a support pillar which was made of titanium and that broke too, sending the entire ceiling crashing down. An enormous pall of dust cascaded from the shattering roof, gigantic chunks of devilish masonry falling in shadowed forms inside the cloud of dust. The sound of a giant's bones creaking filled the world as the roof caved in on itself. Chunks of metal smashed through the floor, destabilizing it and making the floor break as well. All three Jesuses looked up in surprise as an enormous chunk of ceiling shaped like Richard Dawkins boot fell right on top of them.

Then the entire Labyrinth collapsed.

Twilight found herself falling on a platform that had been torn out of the floor, keeping her footing by jamming three of her hooves three inches into the platform. She still held the spear of destiny in her remaining hoof.

Twilight looked around. She was now falling through space, stars and supernovas and black holes everywhere. Also there were planets, the planets of our Galaxy, but they were boring in comparison. A laughing sound came from behind her.

"NYHE HE HE HE HE. YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT THE GUARDIANS OF THIS LABYRINTH, FOOLISH SPARKLE? BARBARIAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AWAITS."

"FEH." Twilight spat into the void. Her spit landed on a water rich planet, and from the microscopic bacteria present in it grew new life, to populate a new race of beings known to some as the Space Marines. That done, she turned to see the representation of Mooning Nightmare floating there. "YOU AGAIN? THE SPARKLE TIRES OF THIS FAÇADE." She cast her hand about the galaxies. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS, THEN, OH FALSE GOD?"

"NO TRICKERY, FOOL. THE LABYRINTH IS NOT MERELY A SERIES OF IDENTICAL HALLWAYS LEADING TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO ALSO IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH TAKE YOU TO MORE ELEVATORS WHICH TAKE YOU TO STILL MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS ALL OF WHICH TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH ALSO TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO YET MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS, AS WELL! IT IS ALSO A DIMENSION OF ITS VERY OWN, A POCKET IN TIME AND SPACE FROM WHINCE NO THING MAY ENTER NOR LEAVE. BY DESTROYING THE CORRIDORS OF THE LABYRINTH YOU HAVE MERELY RESET THE CYCLE: IN A THOUSAND YEARS, THE FIRST ATOMS OF SULPHUROUS CREATION WILL RE-ASSEMBLE. IN TEN THOUSAND YEARS THE GREAT CORRIDORS AND ELEVATORS WILL BEGIN TO BE REALIZED AGAIN, UNTIL THE LABYRINTH THAT YOU SO CASUALLY DESTROYED RISES AGAIN—AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN INTO THE HORRIFIC DARKNESS OF TIME. YOU FACE A LIVING GALAXY, A REALITY THAT KNOWS, THAT BEATS, THAT THIRSTS FOR YOUR BLOOD. NOT EVEN GOD CAN SURPASS THIS PLACE. NOT EVEN THE WEAPON THAT KILLED A GOD CAN DESTROY IT."

Twilight looked down at the spear of destiny in her hoof and scowled, then tossed it aside. "HEF! YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT, FALSE GOD. BUT KNOW THIS: I WILL FIND A WAY WHERE GOD FAILED."

"I THINK NOT," said the diminutive floating skull, and in a flash she was gone.

Then a shadow fell across the platform. Twilight turned, slowly, to face what had arisen behind her.

The thing was as large as a planet—larger than most planets, and that was just its torso. Its lower portions disappeared into the blackness of space out of sight of Twilight's position on her platform. Looking up its great expanse of dull, moldy green skin - she thought it was skin, though it looked more like leather - Twilight saw a massive of tentacles, drooping from a furrowed, malevolent countenance as large as a moon. Two yellow eyes that burned with the intensity of a thousand suns glared down upon her, the vast intellect behind them conceiving Twilight as nothing more than a speck of dust, a moth in the air, a bubble in the water. Twilight stared back with defiance in her heart, defiance for this being to whom the word 'defiance' meant nothing, for there was nothing that had every truly mustered the will to even think of defying it, much less actually stand in its way.

"IS THIS THE GREAT OLD ONE?" Mused Twilight as she stared up at the vast creature. "THE ONE WHO DOES NOT SLEEP BUT DOES ETERNAL LIE, OR WHATEVER? IS IT THE MASTER OF INSANITY AND FEAR, THE LORD OF CHAOS WITH AN ETERNAL HATRED FOR ALL MORTAL KIND…IS IT THE FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET?"

The abomination stared down at her with godlike indifference and raised a mighty hand the size of a moon. No creature could ever survive such a blow, Twilight knew, and there was nowhere for her to run stuck on the platform as she was. So Twilight watched as the mighty hand descended, and as she watched she revealed her mast-like erection, letting her enormous stallionhood stand proud in the face of death.

"BAH!" she yelled up into the face of the Dark God. "MY DEATH ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER."

But then, just as the gnarled hand of the mad god fell, an enormous shape erupted in the space between them, swatting aside the Final Boss of the Internet with its enormous spade like tail the size of a star. Yes, it was the giant space whale, and as Twilight watched in amazement the great beast, twice the size of the Final Boss of the Internet, pulled up beside her space platform. Its mighty blowhole inhaled the dust of eons, inhaled asteroids, black holes, and dead planets, and out from its blissfully smiling maw came new life. Twilight stepped atop the broad humpback of the Space Whale and galloped to its center, the journey across taking centuries to complete.

By the time the Final Boss of the Internet had regained its balance from almost falling over, in space, Twilight stood proud in the center of the massive whale's back. Up ahead the pony could see the ocean sized blowhole of the space whale.

The two Space Gods faced one another; the Final Boss of the Internet staring with molten golden eyes, the Great Space Whale placidly observing with liquid black pools the size of Uranus. The Sparkle held onto the anachronistically damp hide of the whale and prepared for the battle.

As the Final Boss of the Internet charged again, throwing a punch whose very gravitational pull destroyed Neptune and Saturn out of orbit, the Space Whale reared back and maneuvered with its tail, accidentally hitting mercury into the sun with its tail as it avoided the punch. The mad god's fist sunk deep into the sun itself with an audible plop, in space, and when it pulled the wound free the sun itself imploded its orange juice colored gaseous contents spurting from the rupture like the contents of an enormous orange zit. As the dark god recovered its balance the Space Whale retaliated, charging forwards and swatting the Earth aside as if it were a fly. It opened its great maw (scooping up the moon by accident) and sunk its teeth into the side of the monster. Twilight's footing barely held and she struggled to keep her balance as the whale tore, ripping an enormous chunk out of the Final Boss of the Internet and sending it reeling into the blackness on a trail of brown blood to be sucked into a black hole, causing the black hole to double into infinite size and destroy the entire galaxy.

When the dust settled Twilight found herself still atop the Space Whale, drifting in an endless void. The Final Boss of the Internet was nowhere to be seen.

"Twilight," came the telepathic mind voice of the Space Whale. "In my endless drifting from galaxy to galaxy, from dimension to dimension, from reality to unreality, I passed by and saw your dire plight within this mad creation known as the Labyrinth. Not even the infinite mind of the Space Whale can fail to take pity on such a mare as accursed as you; your plight falls in the same tragic, hardship ridden boat as that of poor Odysseus. I have come to free you from this torment."

"BAH." Twilight crossed her arms with the petulance of an asshole. "I THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS, SPACE WHALE, BUT A MARE DOES NOT DO. SHE IS."

"I'm not sure I follow," said the Space Whale.

"FEH. IN TRUTH I MAY NOT RETURN IN GOOD CONSCIENCE TO MY REALITY, WITHOUT FIRST BESTING THIS PLACE SO THAT NO POOR SOUL MUST EVER TREAD TWIXT IT AND REALITY AGAIN."

"But," ejaculated the Space Whale, "that great work has already been accomplished. What more is there to do—or rather, to is, in this place?"

"NAY, WISE OLD ONE," corrected Twilight, "FOR THERE YET REMAINS ONE LAST FINAL FIEND TO STAND AS THE PENULTIMATE ONLY CLIMATIC ENEMY THAT MUST BE DEFEATED SO THAT THIS TORRID DIMENSION MAY NEVER RETURN TO EXISTENCE."

"Ah," amended the Eminent Cetacean "I understand your plight, my little pony, but know that I am bound by the Law of Space not to interfere with the machinations of others unless they interfere directly with me, be they false equine gods or enormous sentient universal labyrinths."

Twilight knelt down, her massive erection wilted, and laid a hand on the whale's inconsistently moist skin. "I UNDERSTAND, OLDWISE ONE. THEN I MAY ASK NOTHING MORE OF YOU BUT, PERCHANCE, A BOON, TO HELP ME ON, MY WAY."

"Aye," concurred the Massive Mammal, "That you shall have, and that indeed. Bear my gift well for your final penultimate climactic the end confrontation, for I now bestow upon you a gift. Fare thee well."

Twilight closed her eyes as light enveloped her. "MY THANKS…GREAT SPACE WHALE." When she opened his eyes, she was wearing armor made out of double barreled shotguns and had a sword made from the dicks of her enemies and a shield made of a giant petrified beard. She also had a necklace with a row of tiger claws on it, one from every tiger she had ever killed, with every five meaning she had killed an extra tiger but wasn't counting it because hey, she wasn't in it for the bragging rights.

With another flash of light, Twilight returned to her friends for the final confrontation.

As the Mane 6 continued on unabated from the fight in the cafeteria, they were suddenly blinded by a bright glow that materialized itself into the shape of Twilight Sparkle. The unicorn stood proudly before her friends, her shotgun armor gleaming with an inner light in front of the tantalized mares. As she walked towards them, her shotgun armor fired off in all directions except her friends because friendly fire was turned off.

"Let's go girls. We're gonna end it once and for all."

After several minutes of walking through the darkened, empty corridors with nothing but the sound of shotgun shells being fired to accompany them, the group arrived in front of a surprisingly spartan steel door, which opened automatically at their arrival. The Mane 6 stayed alert, well in the knowledge that this could be a trap.

Suddenly, the massive steel door closed behind them with a loud bang. Mooning's laugh echoed across the dark room.

"Finally! The mighty Twilight of the Sparkle and her allies haveth arrived! I admit, I am surprised thou hast managed to defeat my minions on your way here, but it is all for naught! Soon, I will destroy you, and all of Equestria will bow before me!"

Twilight merely growled and raised her dick sword, ready to slay the foul beast. "Come at us then! Show your face, coward!"

All the ponies gasped. From the shadows emerged the unmistakable form of not only Mooning Nightmare, but also of Darth Vader, Voldemort, Sauron, Freddy Krueger and Pinhead. The evil hexinity grinned leecherously at the terrified ponies, who neitherless stood defiant in the face of the dark spawn.

"You think this will be enough to beat us?" Twilight laughed. "We're gonna love and tolerate the shit out of you, bitch! I challenge you to... A RAP BATTLE!"

(Music, bitches)

Lightning cracked overhead as Twilight grabbed a microphone, the other mares positioning themselves in a line behind her and started breakdancing as she sang the first part.

"I ain't gonna eat, I ain't gonna sleep
Ain't gonna breathe, til I see, what I wanna see
And what I wanna see, is you go to sleep, in the dirt
Permanently, you just being hurt, this ain't gonna work
For me, it just wouldn't be, sufficient enough
Cuz we, are just gonna be, enemies
As long as we breathe, I don't ever see, either of us
Coming to terms, where we can agree
There ain't gonna be, no reason, speakin wit me
You speak on my seed, then me, no speakin Englais
So we gonna beef, and keep on beefin, unless
You're gonna agree, to meet with me in the flesh
And settle this face to face, and you're gonna see
A demon unleashed in me, that you've never seen
And you're gonna see, this gangsta pee on himself
I see you D-12, and thanks, but me need no help
Me do this one all by my lonely, I don't need fifteen of my homies
When I see you, I'm seeing you, me and you only
We never met, but best believe you gon' know me
When I'm this close, to see you exposed as phony
Come on, bitch, show me, pick me up, throw me
Lift me up, hold me, just like you told me
You was gonna do, that's what I thought, you're pitiful
I'm rid of you, all you, Ja, you'll get it too!"

All of the ponies started singing now, their voices triggering several boomboxes that started falling out of the sky for no apparent reason. The Evil 6 had to cover their ears as the chorus assaulted them.

"Now go to sleep bitch!
Die, motherfucker, die! Ugh, time's up, bitch, close ya eyes
Go to sleep, bitch! (what?)
Why are you still alive? How many times I gotta tell ya, close ya eyes?
And go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Die motherfucker die, bye, bye, motherfucker, bye, bye!
Go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Why are you still alive? Why, die motherfucker, ah, ah, ah...
...Go to sleep bitch!"

Mooning Nightmare recovered quickly from the verbal assault and grabbed her own microphone. She started rapping in retaliation as Vader, Voldy, Sauron, Freddy and Pinhead started freestyling to some sweet tunes.

"We got you niggaz, nervous
On purpose, to hurt your focus, you'se not MC's, you'se worthless
You'se not them G's, you'se a circus, you'se no appeal, please
You'se curtains, you use words, cool heard, slurred in two thousand third
You'se purpin, you'se no threat, who's ya servin?
We lyrically oughta bury you beneath the dirt when
You fuck with a label overseein the Earth
Shady muthafucka, O. Trice's birth
And as I mold, I become a curse
So we can put down the verse, take it to the turf
Cock and squeeze, and he who reach the hearse is he who
Depicts fiction in his verse
And as I breathe, and you be deceased
The world believe you deceived just to speak
You'se not the streets, you'se the desk
Use not your chest nigga, use a vest
Before two's choose ya rest, you chose death
Six feet deep, nigga, that's the depth"

This time, the Evil 6 also jammed through the chorus, attacking the mares with massive audio power. Walls shook and crumbled as they barely managed to hold on before it ended and everyone participated in the counterattack.

"Hey dog, I'ma walk like a beast, talk like the streets
I'ma stay blazin New York wit the heat
Stalk on the beat, walk wit my feet
Understand my pain, the rain ain't sweet
Peep how I'm moving, peep where I'm going
Shit don't seep, then sleep not knowin
But I'ma keep growing, getting larger than life
Easy-going with the same one that started the fight
He be knowing how dog get, when dog gone bite
Tried to show him the dog shit, it's dog for life
Grand champ, and my Blood Line is tight
Cuz it's all good, it's all right
Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back
Now they gots to swallow, everything in the sac
Blood Line, and, we can go track for track
Damn dog, why'd you have to do them niggas like that?"

A massive rainbow light erupted across the room. Multicoloured sparks flew everywhere as the Mane 6 ripped the final chorus with musical prowess. The Evil 6 clutched their heads in agony as the power o harmony invaded the room. A golden tiara materialized upon Twilight's head and her eyes glowed completely white from the power, while the others recieved necklaces and started floating around her. The rainbow grew in luminous intensity before a beam made of fuck and harmony and awesome shot out, headed straight for Mooning Nightmare and her evil compatriots. Darth Vader gasped in terror and reared back, raising his arms to the heavens.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!"

The harmonious powers collided into the dark servants, vaporising Mooning and the others and leaving behind the shape of princess Luna, who fell gracefully to the floor as the Harmony beam faded away.

As the ponies returned back to normal, they gaped in fascination at the panting form of the moon princess, who shakily stood up on all her hooves and smiled softly at her rescuers.

"Thank you, everypony, for saving me!"

The chamber was bathed in a gentle light, and princess Molestia descended from the heavens as angelic choirs sung in her appraisal. She landed besides her sister and draped a wing around her, tears of joy running down their faces at the happy reunion.

Suddenly, a black alicorn with red stripes descended from the skies too, and proudly puffed out his chest.

"'Tis I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, who has saved the day! As such, I deserve my reward from you ladie-"

He never finished his sentence as Molestia drop-kicked him into the ground, through the entire interior of the planet and into the sun. Then she laughed with a pleasant voice.

"Let's all put this in the past and have sex!"

And then they all fucked.

THE END

Titty sprinkles.