My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

Haelo, I aem Artyom :D

Since the last chapter was racially offensive and overall politically incorrect, I decided to adopt a more serious, professional writing style in the writing of My Little PONEY: The parody from hell. Here is what I've come up with:

Why My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a metaphor for homosexual power

by Fagpants McDeathoftheauthor

The story begins with an almost transparent metaphor; a female voice detailing the story of the royal sisters and how they "created harmony" across the magical land of Equestria. It is in this introduction that the first important symbol is presented; an image of the royal sisters trailing each other in a circle, with the sun and the moon withing their grasp; a metaphor for the estrus cycle. This quickly exemplifies the female imagery that permeates throughout the story: both sisters give the illusion of being very old and wise, which can be translated into maternal power when taking their "creation of harmony" into account: an obvious symbol for birth. Along with the bright colors and calm music in the background, the theme is clear: the show attempts to elevate female domination, which is a bit ironic considering what follows.

The description of the younger sister's transformation serves two motives. The first, more obvious reason is to create a conflict that advances the story. The second, more ulterior reason is at this point less obvious. The character of Nightmare Moon is hard to directly place in a category due to her many roles later, but her role in controlling the "night" or the "dark time" of the estrus circle makes it clear that she represents a woman on PMS, who quickly conflicts the more harmonious, brighter side of the estrus cycle; her sister.

Nightmare Moon's attempt to wrench control of her sister can be translated into the irrational, hormonal side of angry women. In an attempt to restore the balance of the estrus cycle, the older sister uses several artifacts called the "Elements of Harmony". The significance of these ovary-shaped objects is rather vague and, like Nightmare Moon, can represent many things. In this instance though, the older sister uses them to "banish" Nightmare Moon; a metaphor for hormone control pills.

After the introductory part and the theme song is over, we are presented with the main heroine of the story; Twilight Sparkle. It is clear that she too is meant to reinforce the image of the independent, capable woman, and many parallels are drawn between her and the royal sisters. She is bookish, meaning she is knowledgeable in many topics like the alicorns, and her cutie mark represents five stars circling a larger one, akin to the symbol of the royal sisters circling the moon and the sun, or the estrus symbol. By now there is no doubt: Twilight is going to be a major role figure in the storyline.

However, she is not perfect. Note that at the beginning, she refuses to be with "her friends" just to amass more knowledge; this can be seen as her naiveté to all sexual topics, since she shot down an open invitation to "hang out". A subplot develops from there; Twilight learning more about the world around her is a metaphor for her discovering her sexuality as the story progresses further.

Her assistant Spike the baby dragon is a matter of some controversy. As the first male character presented in the show, he is small compared to the ponies and serves Twilight's every command. His relationship with her is unclear, since this can either be seen as hormonal male teenagers slaving around girls to impress them, or it can further establish the message of female dominance by showing that women are clearly superior to men. As a matter of fact, Spike is seen falling down four times in the library scene. Regardless, Spike represents the role of men in the ideal matriarchal society.

At this point, Twilight asks Spike to send a letter to the princess. More parallels between Twilight and the royal sisters can be drawn here; Twilight clearly calls her "my dearest teacher", which implies a deeper connection between the two women. Again Spike is shown to be inferior to Twilight when writing the letter, since he cannot spell the complex, elegant words that Twilight tells him to. This is obviously another metaphor for female power; Twilight has access to much information (a fact reinforced by the library setting) and is able to easily upstage him while Spike, even with his phallic quill, is unable to cope.

Then comes the matter of Celestia sending Twilight to Ponyville. These are the first steps of Twilight's discovery of her sexuality.

She first visits the Apple family, who stereotypically represent the traditional views on sexuality and marriage. Keep in mind that since this show promotes femininity, there are no pejorative southern stereotypes present such as incest or sleazy sexual contacts; instead (as might be attributed to the "Element of Honesty") the character of Applejack might be seen as an example for women who value family and straight marriage; the latter somewhat ironic in what is to come.

The other "Elements" also show different attributes to sexuality. Rarity represents the typically seductive side of females and overall lust. This is reinforced by her somewhat elegant demeanor and manner of speech, and the fact that Spike immediately falls for her; another metaphor for female power and their dominance over males, like in this case, where Rarity shows control over the love-stricken Spike.

Rainbow Dash is an overall easy one to guess. Her tomboyish attitude and brash behavior are a generalization of lesbians and homosexuality, a fact which is reinforced by her multicolored mane; an obvious metaphor for the Gay Pride flag. An interesting fact is her personality, as mentioned before. She is loyal to her cause, but sometimes brash and quick to judge and/or threaten those who she deems against her, much like the behavior of many gay right activists. Note also that her appearance is the first part of an overall message: homosexual power. Up until now, there has been very little mention of it, except for the possibly hinted relationship between Twilight and Celestia.

Pinkie Pie represents nothing else but sex. She is fast, fun-loving and always moving around, much like the attributes you would apply to someone's sexual activities in bed. Her overall pink color scheme and her cutie mark resembling balloons (aka condoms) are another giveaway.

Finally, there is Fluttershy. Her role might be a bit more confusing: she could either represent the naturally loving and caring instinct of mothers, or just the awkward feelings of love. Nevertheless, her role will become clearer later on. Also note that all the main characters, excluding the submissive Spike, are female. By now it is unclear if the underlying message of feminine power is going even stronger, or if it is simply another subliminial ploy by vengeful feminists on society.

WIth the main cast presented, the "action" finally buids up.

The arrival of Nightmare Moon is of course a return to the chaotic PMS energies of women. To defeat her, Twilight and her friends must brave many obstacles to defeat the evil mare, each of them suggesting a close relation to sexuality. First off by letting Twilight "demonstrate" her "trust" towards Applejack; then by having Rarity use her feminine wiles to "persuade" a "sea serpent" to help them across a river; then letting Pinkie Pie "giggle at the ghosties" (a metaphor for laying down your worries for your first sexual contact); then letting Fluttershy calm a raging beast using her maternal powers; and finally letting Rainbow Dash have display faith in her loyalty to her friends (lesbians), despite pressure from the leecherous Shadowbolts (haters). It is during the course of this adventure that Twilight experiments and discovers her sexuality thanks to the other mares.

The real star of the show is though the Everfree Forest. It is described as an overall evil place by the "harmony"-loving ponies, and is a metaphor for the dangers of sexuality; the hostile wildlife and flora represent STDs while the threatening atmosphere and nighttime represent rape, since dark, threatenting places at night are the perfect setting for rape. Even then, the "Elements" trudge on fearlessly. A more docile soul might see this as a metaphor for that love conquers all.

Now comes the definite message of homosexual power. With the final confrontation against Nightmare Moon, she supposedly smashes the Elements of Harmony and claims that all hope is lost. With the purest forms of feminine power gone and the introduction of "eternal night", Nightmare Moon makes it clear that she will no longer rely upon herself or the female power for self-gratification. Coupled with the setting for the confrontation, a large hall where "pillars" shoot up from the ground into the ceiling, Nightmare Moon means that she will rely on male appendages only for sexual pleasure. By now the feminism is at its most extreme, openly claiming that male hetero activity is evil.

All hope is not lost though; Twilight uses all sexual knowledge she has acquired to make the true elements reappear and fires a LGBT beam at Nightmare Moon, cleansing her of all vile hetero desires. Only lesbianism in it's purest form can defeat her, since it proves females are superior to men and do not need them for self-gratification. Nightmare Moon transforms back into Luna and reconciles with her sister; the estrus cycle has returned to normal.

In the final scene, it shows Twilight and her newfound friends joyfully celebrating the end of hetero tyranny. With Pinkie appearing at the very end, it is clear that the party is but a clever guise for a massive lesbian orgy. Thus, homosexual power is shown to have prevailed.

I have no fucking idea what I just wrote.

Wow. That uh... Didn't really work out as planned. It makes me fear what would come out of my mind if I was drunk. Or high.

My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

Chapter 3

Night was still hanging oppresively over the Everfree Forest. That particular night the sky was filled with stars, reflecting the massive universe they were situated in; vast, empty, and full of white spots, like a nude Magic: The Gathering tournament. Stars of all kinds of shapes and colors hung impassively in the sky, passively observing the struggle mortals carried out in the Everfree. White stars, blue stars, red stars, even brown stars. It takes many colors to make a politically correct star. Too bad there aren't any lesbian stars, I would totally take pictures.

After saying their goodbyes to Steven, the motley crew carried on towards the abandoned castle in the woods. They had some more mishaps along the way (like almost falling off a cliff or Rainbow being offered sexual advances from the Shadowbolts, which she promptly refused) but these events are boring and not relevant to the story.

At all.

Probably.

As they reached the foot of the gates, the mares almost had to look up to the night sky to discern the top of the walls. Virgin tears and satanic symbols coursed across the ramparts, glowing in a demonic red light. A few birds gazed solemnly down upon the visitors with dead eyes. Fluttershy couldn't help but tear up at the miserable, spindly creatures who barely looked like they could fly.

"Oh, those poor creatures..."

A pile of bird shit landed on her muzzle.

"FUCKING BIRDS!"

Fluttershy pulled out a tommy gun and held down the trigger, spraying lead and death towards the cackling assholes.

RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA

One by one, they fell from the wall as the bullets ripped through their bodies or exploded in a shower of blood and gore. Fluttershy still held down the trigger even as they all died until the weapon cicked empty. Her angry scowl was replaced by a gentle smile. She wiped off the bird shit with a hoof.

"Sorry girls. I needed to work out some stress."

"I just knew she was too nice to be true," Twilight muttered under her breath.

Slowly, they entered the massive hall.

Everyone gasped at the scene before them; Mooning Nightmare was busy clopping like fuck to some real nasty rule 34 shit on her laptop, not even bothering to acknowledge the other mares presence. Sweat ran down the alicorn face as her right hoof moved up and down in tact quickly behind her desk, while she used the left hoof to browse around.

Also the cobweb-covered Elements of Harmony were lying in the corner and gathering dust but no one gave a fuck.

"UuUungh, that's a good one," Mooning gasped in ecstasy as she fell upon a picture of Soarin and Braeburn doing the 69 position. The other ponies simply stood at the entrance with mortified expressions, too shocked to move or even register what was happening in front of them.

"Ungh.... Owaaaaaaaaa!" Mooning finally climaxed and brought the screen down violently, struggling for breath as she finished. Only then did she notice the other ponies staring at her. Her eyes widened like saucers and her jaw hung loose.

"Hey, what the fuck! I mean.... Foolish mortals!" She boomed and shoved her desk away, standing up to her full glory. "Thou would dare to enter the castle to challenge me!"

"It ends here Mooning!" Twilight challenged.

"Feh! As if!" Mooning laughed and lightning cracked across the sky. "Thou dost not hold thy power to defeat ME! The Elements are in my posession!"

Twilight rolled her eyes and used her telekinesis to float them over to her side.

"HEY! Not fair bitch!"

Mooning charged up her horn. Everyone jumped to cover behind some pillars as a dark blast of magic erupted from the alicorn and sped towards the mares. Their cover was blown apart and they were sent both screaming and flying upon each other in a big pile. Mooning then sent another blast of magic, which destroyed the Elements. Everyone gasped in horror.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Top that, bitches!"

And with that, Mooning sped further into the bowels of the castle.

Twilight was paralyzed in shock. The Elements were destroyed. Mooning had escaped. They had failed Molestia. Rainbow orgasmed.

It was all her fault.

The unicorn sunk into a state of deepest depression at her failure, tears flowing down her face. Sobs wracked her body and she fell down to the floor, burying her head underneath her front hooves and crying.

"It's all my fault! I failed everyone!"

Everyone else approached Twilight with heavy hearts and hugged to poor mare, letting their own tears flow. In the oppresive darkness of the cold and unforgiving castle, they only found comfort in each other.

Twilight bowled everyone over when she suddenly shot up from the pile of hugging ponies.

"Oh shit! Everyone's getting buttraped if we don't stop her!"

She quickly sprung to her hooves and pursued the dark alicorn.

"Twilight! Wait for us!" Rainbow shouted but was stopped when a massive black hoof slammed in her way. Standing over the other ponies was a black alicorn with red stripes and snake eyes, his cutie mark representing a skull with wings on fire. The newcomer adopted a heroic pose before speaking out in a clear voice.

"Fear not, beautiful ladies, for I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, will triumph over evil! And then have sex with you all."

"What in tarnation-"

"Everyone, that creature is a marisoo!" Fluttershy spoke in panic. "Quick! Ignore it!"

As everyone tried their best to tune out the annoying and obnoxious marisoo, said creature was dictating its entire life that was OH SO FUCKING INTERESTING.

"...and my parents were a bunch of haters who beat me every day, and I just hated life in general, because humans are evil and greedy and corrupt and shit, but then I commited suicide and got a second chance at life, so I was reincarnated here in Equestria as an alicorn..."

He never noticed the others had already left.

Twilight Sparkle fucking smashed through the floor and landed with a heavy thud, sending a miniature shockwave across the hall which destroyed several Hometrees and killing or injuring several Navi. The ground which was as hard as diamond or crystals, shattered easily under the force behind Twilight's hooves. She stood up, a child sized part of the floor stuck to her front hooves like bracelets, which she easily pried off.

"TAKE THAT YOU FURRY WHORES!" She screamed at the crying and burning blue monkeys. God damn I hate the Navi. The only thing I hate more than the Navi is the enviroment- seriously, fuck air. If you liked that movie you are a furry.

Twilight cracked her neck several times before making her way towards the exit. She stepped right into a pool of shit.

"GOD DAMN IS THIS ONE CLUSTERFUCK OF A SHITTY CESS PIT!" She yelled. The entire castle shook. "WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE!"

As Twilight continued ranting about the shit she had just stepped in, the smell started spreading across the hall and flowing into the noses of surviving Navi.

"Wait..." One asked as he sniffed the air. "What's... That... SMELL!"

"What are you-" Another one asked before his face contorted into an expression of extreme disgust. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

Everywhere else the Navi's horrified faces turned towards the purple mare.

"WHAT IS THAT SHIT SHE STEPPED IN! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" The yelling Navi threw up in front of everyone else. "BLLLLAAAAARGGHGHHHHHHHHH!"

The smell of vomit incited the others to vomit as well, sending chunks of foul greenish substance in front of another group of Navi. "BLLERGEGLBLERHGBHHBHH BAR F BARF BARF HURRRRL."

And then all those Navi also vomited, projectile spewing great gouts of green spinach like liquid that smelled of vinegar and stale bagels. "BALLGHGHGGHGGH HARRRFF HAGH HACK HACK BLARRGHHHGGHGHG FLLPPPHHRRRAAAGGHGH!"

"OH MY GOD!" gasped one Navi through mouthfuls of vomit and shakily pointed towards Twilight. "The smell… it's like the rotting shit of babies slowly churned in a cow dick grinding slaughter house!"

"No!" screamed another group of Navi. "It's like a carton of rotten eggs stuffed with old custard and dick cheese and whipped into a meat pie blended with dried spit and fried boogers!"

Then all Navi began puking and shitting at the same time. "NO. NO. It's like the combined shit of ten thousand oriental farmers fertilizing an entire field of skunk cabbage FLOODED WITH MENSTRUATION JUICES!"

The Navi began throwing up their guts until they were dead. Twilight didn't give a single fuck.

She noticed Mooning Nightmare's army of undead minions flocking around her, their savage, twisted features thirsting for the mare's blood. Like always, Twilight didn't give a fuck. They were all pathetically weak and cowardly.

"HGRGRGHH. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THESE SWINE TO LOOK UPON THE FACE OF THEIR CONQUEROR!"

Twilight tore a shotgun from her back and gripped it so hard it became superheated. She turned towards the zombies.

"GRAAAAAH!" Her warcry struck fear into the undead's nonexistent hearts and they ran away, but they did not get far.

"GO THEN!" she bellowed. "GO THEN, SLUTS, AND HIDE BEHIND YOUR MOTHER'S SKIRTS." Then she pulled the trigger so hard all the shells in the gun fired at once. A flaming black wall of shotgun pellets erupted from the muzzle of the shotgun, which exploded, as did the rest of the shotgun from the sheer force of the blast. The trillions of pellets all condensed into one giant bullet that plowed through the mob of zombies, wreaking terror and destruction upon their weak womanly bodies.

"HRRRGGH!" Twilight thrust her pelvis back and forth in the motion of a great warrior taking a willing harlot as she watched a swath of rotting blood erupt from the trench of pulverized bodies she had wrought. She looked down at the smoking handle of the shotgun in her hoof, all that remained of the puny weapon.

"FEH." Twilight cast aside the handle and it turned into dust. She turned to leave, but as she did something materialized out of thin air behind her.

Sparks in the shape of skulls cascaded down the nightmarish representation of a black and horned horse head. A cruel grin spead across its mouth, while blue fire cascaded from its eyes. From it dripped a constant deluge of smoking silver blood, encased in a sheath of blue flames. It was Mooning Nightmare, speaking remotely to Twilight Sparkle.

"SO." Said Twilight, not turning around or looking at the creature that had brought him to this place. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO, ACCURSED ONE, BRINGING TWILIGHT OF THE SPARKLE HERE TO THIS LABYRINTH, AND NOT OF HER DESIRE AT THAT?"

The head bobbed up and down on an air cushion made of screams, cackling madly. "FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU WOULD CHALLENGE A GOD—A GOD OF GODS! IN THIS PLACE I AM THE MASTER, MASTER OF ALL THINGS FAIR AND FOUL!"

"FOOLISH ATHENIAN!" roared Twilight, smashing her fist into the wall which caused the wall to die. "RELEASE ME FROM THIS MADHOUSE, OR I WILL CAST YOU DOWN AS I HAVE A THOUSAND OTHER GODS BEFORE YOU!"

"NAY!" hissed the Accused Alicorn, slithering through the air like the visible head of an invisible ebony flaming serpent. "NAY, BARBARIAN, YOU WILL DO AS I BID, OR I WILL LEAVE YOU LOCKED WITHIN THIS PLACE TO SUFFER FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

Twilight rounded on the arrogant trawl. "TRECHAROUS SWINE! I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I WILL NOT BE CHAINED BY ANY MAN'S WILL, GOD OR MORTAL EITHER, OR BOTH!"

"FOOL!" retorted Mooning Nightmare. "LITTLE DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS THE EQUINOX! THE SHADOWS OF ALL THE PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE FALL UPON YOU, WHILE I RISE TO MY TRUE POWER!"

"FOUL KNAVE!" Twilight rounded on the false god, again. "I WILL PLAY ALONG FOR NOW, BUT MARK MY WORDS; YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!".

Mooning Nightmare laughed. "HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! IF THOU WISH TO FIND ME, GET THEE FROM MY SIGHT, MUSCLE BOUND FOOL, AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE STYGIAN DEPTHS OF THE ACCURSED HALLS DAMNED SOULS KNOW AS... THE LABYRINTH!"

"BAH!" Twilight spat on the ground, her spit punching a hole through the ground, and into the earth's core. "NO ONE TOYS WITH THE SPARKLE. I SHALL LAY RUIN UPON YOU ONE DAY, SOULESS ONE, MARK MY WORDS."

With that she turned from the laughing visage of the hell god and marched into the depths of the Labyrinth. As luck would have it, though, she held in her left hoof a ball of yarn, with which she was able to unravel as she walked and so form a gigantic trip wire to trip everyone. And it was good.

From the darkness emerged a great beast, made of darkness. The foul Nightmare phage had corrupted its body into a twisted parody of strength and manhood, and it loped as a beast of the field would lope. Twilight stared into the fell eyes of the creature and her lips peeled back in a snarl.

"FOUL CUNTBUCKLER! WHAT BE THY NAME, SO I MAY KNOW THY NAME BEFORE I STRIKE YOU DOWN?"

The beast held in its hand a massive blade forged from the fused skeletons of a hundred sinners. It raised that blade above its towering head, the tip brushing the darkened ceiling, such was its length.

"THE DEVIL CALLS ME THYRIAXS. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME 'DEATH.'"

"WHAT A COINCIDENCE—" snarled Twilight Sparkle, baring her bloody teeth which were all canines. "THAT IS MY NAME AS WELL!" And then she leapt high into the air.

"HAVE AT THEE!" screamed the beast, black eyes flaring, and it swung the boneblade in an arc so mighty and so swifty that it clove the air in half.

"FEH!" Twilight brushed the blade aside, in mid air, as she jumped, and planted both rear hooves into the chest of the rotting creature, sending them both toppling backwards to the ground. The beast snapped forwards with jaws of steel and one of its mighty fangs plunged deep into Twilight's shoulder, piercing through muscle and bone alike. The Sparkle grunted from the pain and strained against the creature's vice like jaw with all hooves, trying to stop its foul maw from snapping shut around her. The stench of a million dying worlds blasted into her face, but Twilight only laughed like a mad mare into the mouth of death. Then she strained, and split the creature's lower jaw in half by doing the splits.

The monster screamed, and Twilight wrenched, pulled, and tore one of the long deadly halves of the jaw bone from its socket. Her hooves wedged between light saber sharp teeth and she smiled grimly, hauling back and then delivering a palpable blow to the side of the creature's head with its own bone!

THRYRIGIX let out a deafening roar of agony that shook the world. It clutched at the bloody mass of puss where an eye had been, only to be silenced when Twilight struck it in the throat, tearing out its throat with its own bone! The mighty warrior jumped and landed hard on the putrid snout of the beast and then brought her weapon down atop its skull, puncturing through its skull and into its brain with its own bone!

"DIE!" Twilight brought the row of deadly teeth down again and again, until the THRYAXGRAHX's brain case split open and its brain, which was made of flaming rats, spilled out and scattered its burning rodent contents all over the floor.

"YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THIS PLACE!" gurgled THYRXGRGHXXSAFXX as the last vestiges of its foul life ebbed away out of its pulverized head.

"SUCK ON THIS!" Twilight kicked its head off and walked away.

"HA!" the false god known as Mooning Nightmare bobbed up beside her, trailing a wake of floating dead people on fire. "THAT CREATURE WAS BUT THE FIRST OF MANY YOU MUST FACE IN YOUR QUEST TO FIND ME! DO YOU THINK, PUNY MORTAL, THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT THAT WHICH HAS LAIN HERE FOR CENTURIES!"

The Sparkle turned to look at her with a gaze made of steel. "THINKING IS FOR THE WEAK-I KNOW."

"FOOL!" Spluttered the equine monstrosity as blood sprayed from its crevices. All of them. "YOU WILL DIE HERE, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AND YOU WILL BE THE MASTER OF NOTHING BUT BONES, WRAPPED IN YOUR OWN REMAINS AND INHALING THE FOUL DECAY OF AGES FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"YOU TALK TOO MUCH." Twilight backhoofed the floating head across the room. It smashed into a wall, but instantly regained its balance.

"I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT A THOUSAND TIMES!"

It zipped away into a nearby ventilation shaft.

Stay tuned for the next chapter.