Noirscape

I hunted a pony.

Admittedly, it was quite easy. All I had to do was teleport in (and can I just say how awesome that little power was?) and stab them.

What kind of pony was it? An unicorn. I wasn’t quite sure on the gender at the time.. Frankly, I didn’t care much. Couple of teleports later, I was sitting snugly in a tree and skinning a pony. You know, back home we had this little geek item thing, called “Canned Unicorn Meat”. I figure it was actually some sort of lamb, or perhaps a horse. Never got to have any, I’d only heard of it. But now? I got to have the real thing, except raw.

How’d it taste? Well... tough question, actually. It was delicious, of course. Bu the actual taste? I can’t really describe it. Certainly it wasn’t anything like Earth meats, with the possible exception of horse.

It was kind of a sugary meal. The blood provided an excellent drink and also covered any dehydration problems. Besides, I like having meat with a little something to drink with it. Human luxuries and all that.

You know, it actually felt quite liberating being Bec, especially considering how a, it was a chaotic time, b, there were no authority figures in sight which basically meant I could do whatever I wanted, and c, Dissy’s chaotic rule tortured ponies anyway. Who even noticed a few going missing to feed a hungry dog?

As I found out, someponies did notice. Two very specific someponies. Hey, how could I have known I ate a (kind of already former) student of theirs? None of the official material covered its existence! For all I knew it was just an OC or a random background pony!

Yes, I know everypony has a role to play, no matter how big or small, but I hungered. For meat!

As you can probably tell, our first meeting was less than stellar. Specifically, they caught me sitting in a tree, (with bones and entrails and stuff scattered all over the place) gnawing on a flank. It actually took me a while to notice them, since they were kinda busy gaping in horror and all that. So what do I do when I do notice them? Open mouth, insert hoof. Literally.

Well, It wasn’t quite that simple. First I break off the actual hoof and throw it somewhere behind me. Then I wave at them and ask if they want some. Which kind of shakes the horror off. And then I bite into the part which no longer had a hoof. What do they call it again? Fetlock? Thanks.

Naturally, the two don’t like that. Like, at. All. In fact, they’re pretty much unhappy with me for some reason. Is that truly a crime to eat when you’re hungry? Apparently.

Or maybe it’s that I ate a sentinent being. Eh. A bit iffy it was, but Need kinda overruled Morals. The little that I have.

Frankly, I only have a few morals I abide by. One, do not harm a child. That one is a little iffy, actually, and I myself determine what counts as “harming”. If you’d know what some parents on Earth get up to... of course you want to know. Not that I’ll tell. The list is too great and I’ve derailed enough.

Er... Another moral is never to rape another being. ...which is actually also kind of iffy. But if someone manages to break the first moral in conjuction with the second one, I’d slaughter them without question. That one thing is NEVER okay. NEVER!

Okay, okay, I’m calm. Well, there was that one time I had a third moral. Never kill unless you are absolutely positively 100% certain you can get away with it.
Yeah, that one went down the drain pretty quickly. Technically I could've argued that the sisters had absolutely no proof besides proximity, and I did try using that during trial, but you can see how well that turned out.

But hey, at least I have something... right?

Wha-huh? Oh. Right. Battle with Celly. And Lulu. Man, if only I had access to some sort of a music player; it works best with the proper beat.

Anyws, the Alicorns immediately demanded that I dropped the corpse and surrender. I pointed out that technically, there wasn’t much of the corpse left and that most of it was on the ground anyway. It didn’t help. They attacked.

I must admit, their way of attack, while laughable from a tactical standpoint, was actually rather frightening. I mean, two ridiculously large Winged Unicorns, in the colors of Yin and Yang, jumping at you with the full intention to impale you on their Absurdly Sharp horns? Scary. Luckily for me, I hadn’t folded my wings; they were conveniently pointed up and all it took was a powerful flap to escape Death By Unicorn. Still scary tho.

I had enough time to discard the flank (which really was delicious, by the way) and draw my sword. So when they rearranged themselves to face me, I was already pointing the blade at them. We exchanged customary battle greetings.

Customary battle greetings? Well, they are basically when one party (them) hurls insults at the opponent and the other party (me) laughs derisively at the pitiful attempts at goading them. I mean, really, Yo Mama? Beg pardon, Thine Mother. Sad but true.

I don’t remember much of that first battle itself. I mean, come on! It was a long time ago, it was only first of many, and it’s not like I have a photographic memory or anything. What, were you expecting a Jack of All Trades? Sorry, mate. While the name I carry now is indeed Jack, I won’t be regaling you with many details there.

Anyway, it was a tie. They blasted spells all over the place and tired themselves out. I got singed all over the place, waved my sword around wildly, and tired myself out. And we both absconded. Me to a cave I’d found earlier, them to god-knows-where. And we both learned a valuable lesson.

Don’t fuck with an enemy you can’t predict.

So when I finish absconding and arrive to my destination, who do I find just sitting around in my cave, dressed to the nines, and grinning like the Cheshire?

Gee, who do you think?