The Last Moron On Earth

There's a ringing in my ears as I come to. Immediately she begins.

"That was a despicable action. The actions of a fool. Of a coward."

Ohshi-

"We have been observing your kind for some time now, I have not seen such carelessness. Such selfishness. I have witnessed hundreds risk themselves to aid others this past week alone.

We? Observing? Hundr-

"WE ARE SPEAKING...No, I am aware that you did not intentionally destroy that city; you held no ill intentions, and, given the circumstances, could do little to combat the spawned blaze. This does not condone your inaction upon discovering another being in peril; said peril brought upon by your hoof."

There was nothing I could ha-

"And then to have started yet another blaze intentionally, in an inebriated act of st-"

Enough is ENOUGH, Lady! You think I don't know I fuck everything up?

The room shakes.

I don't know how you know everything thats happening, but I try to have some fun and eat shit for it all the time, but the candle thing was out of my hands

"Nevertheless, you could have-" Her voice is distant and muddy.

The hell do you mean you've been 'observing my kind', eh? And you said you've 'observed' hundreds of others?

She is silent for some time.

"Other survivors..."

She sounds...sad.

I...I could probably lay off a bit. Acting like a jerk to a voice in your head won't get anyone anywhere.

Okay, listen, Space Voice, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot. You seem to know a bunch of everything going on with me, but I don't think that's fair. What are you, and what in the hell do you keep rambling about?

"It is strange, I have introduced myself to you once before, and even then was not the first time I had made contact... Your world, and its magic, is strange, to say the least..." She was rambling again. "I am not rambling! I am Princess Luna of Equestria, from a planet very distant from yours. Your original assumptions were, at least partially, correct, and an alien force did have a hoof in what happened ten days ago." She sounded clearer, less distant.

Equestria...Luna...I think that...I think I remember something...Ruler of the Night, was it?

"Indeed. Thought normally I have complete control over the Night and even the Dreamscape, it seems that your distance and unique brand of-"

Yeah, don't care about a voice in my head telling me I'm dreaming. When that voice seems to have answers, though...

"..." I'll admit she had the patience of a saint to put up with me.

"Quite. Regardless, you have asked me for the truth and so I give it to you willingly.There was... a great death threatening your world. Magic."

Magic.

"Yes, Magic. A great surge of it radiating from the heart at the very core of the Universe. For your kind, it may as well have been a wave of fire. Magic did not exist on your world as it did mine, and the pulse would have brought an end to all life on your planet.

We had first observed your kind several years ago, and first contact was officially established. It ended disastrously. Your kind wanted nothing to do with us, and we complied, in part. Shortly thereafter, we observed the Magic Pulse expanding towards your world, and knew of the extinction it would bring. We could not bear to sit idly by, and so a solution was sought. After many months of work, we had succeeded. A solution, survival guaranteed for you and your world.

Survival, however, came with a cost.

While the spell we had crafted was able to adapt life across your planet, you humans still resisted it. Rather, your bodies simply had no idea how to handle this magic, and would have ignored it completely. Therefore, we were forced to change your bodies to beings that could recognize the spell, and accept the Magic traveling steadily nearer. Given that we are only familiar with species of our own planet, we used those as a template."

The voice in my head was a talking horse alien.

"Pony, actually. And as the Magic reached you days ago, the spell activated, and nearly every human on your planet was transformed, bearing the bodies of our world."

So...why am I just a talking regular horse, and that cop was a little pink unicorn?

"The spell analyzed your character, your person, your soul...and from that, it assigned you to the body that you would be best suited for. Now, not everyone would be able to adapt to their new bodies without causing some trouble, so they would be held in the ætheral plane until there would be those to help them adapt. Perfect soul/body matches would be left behind to rebuild the world, and prepare for the arrival of your great populous.

We knew that, after the chaos of such a transformation, your society would implode. Your planet was much more heavily populated compared to ours, and your reliance on technology a hindrance; your kind could not survive without advanced technology. Had the spell simply transformed everyone, untold millions would be unable to cope, and would-”

Wait, no, this doesn't make sense. You took people away, and because there would be no-one tending to our infrastructure, it would collapse. Because of this collapse, millions would die, but thats because you *took people away who could have prevented it*.

"You insolent child! It is not that simple; in the Magic your technology would not have-"

Four walls blew away, revealing a sea of endless noise and snow beyond the cracked, worn floor.

That is to say, while they did indeed save your kind from extinction, they have doomed it to die as it was. While many will live on, Humanity as you knew it, aside from a few stragglers, has died.

"I can see your anger, your disgust in me. You deserve so much more; when I met your kind its beauty was pure and now it’s tainted by the love we gave, but-"

In one move, She has saved and doomed your kind. Such atrocities are generally coined 'Genocide', but I feel that 'Globicide' is more appropriate. Don't you?

"I apologize for my actions, but I do not ask for forgiveness; I know what I’ve done, and I have made peace with it. I don’t blame you for being angry, but you need to-"

So now everything has been left out in the open. They thought it was you they were protecting, but ended up destroying you with their 'kindness'. Mankind was once its own worst enemy, but in the wake of this revelation, you need to step back and ask yourself: Who killed the world?

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I woke up crying in a ditch.

I couldn't remember how I got there, or even where 'there' was beyond a sandy, cold gutter.

My head threatened to split in half, and my eyes burned in my skull. So, clearly alcohol was involved.

"Ugh, never again...and I mean it this time..." preaching to the rocks beside the road, I almost felt as if they were doubting me. Stupid, judgmental rocks.

I groggily made it to my hooves, noticing I was missing a boot; in its place I had an empty bottle of vodka and a screwdriver, secured in place with several wraps of metallic duct-tape.

Evidently, I was more dexterous when drunk than sober, but I was unsure what the combination would have served; in addition, it left my booted bad hoof be the one I was supposed to walk on whilst sipping from the bottle. Stupid, drunk me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I looked around, and saw that I knew where I was. Off ahead of me, I could see where the two highway lanes branched off into a sprawling intersection. Palm Canyon....

Nearby was a squat sign, which would have normally displayed welcomes and an advertisement for the mountain tramway, but given the lack of power it was simply a black screen on a tan box. Rather, a cracked screen on a tan pile of rubble with the Cuddle-Shuttle crashed into it.

I made my way over to it, climbed in, and tried starting it.

It was difficult enough with that crap still taped to my hoof, but several fruitless attempts and a blinking light on the dashboard led me to the conclusion that I was out of gas.

Which means, damn, I got pretty far on what was in the tank.

I searched the trunk for the gascan before remembering I'd used it to commit arson. Totally worth it.

It then hit me that, drunk me tried this already. The bottle wasn't for sipping to get even more trashed, it was my inebriated attempt at a solution to the problem.

With a laugh (and some tears) I tore the tape off, separating the bottle and screwdriver, along with a decent amount of hair, from my limb.

I loaded the barrel pump, a small pry-bar, a garden hose, and some more tape into my pack, and set out away from Palm Springs. I knew that a few miles down the track there was a gas station.

* * * * *

Given I didn't have a gascan, I searched behind the gas station's convenience store and, luckily enough, found one. It was a beat up red canister, probably older than I was, and bone dry. Damn. I had made my way across the station when it happened; I hadn't even started prying the lid off one of the tanks when I heard a sudden, harsh staccato clip-clopping of hoof-steps on the asphalt behind me. There was a gasp, and, strangely enough, am excited shriek.

"Miss'er Nay-Nay!"

...What?

I looked to the small, squeaky voice and found myself gaping at a really strange looking little horse. They were tiny, standing at no more than two feet high, and glistening in the early morning sun. Yeah, glistening. They looked like they were made of glass, their many turquoise facets catching the light in a spectacularly beautiful display, only interrupted by the oversized baseball cap and a slightly sagging pair of toddler's shorts, which were kept in place by a repeatedly looped shoelace.

The adorable mini-horse ran forward and hugged my leg, not noticing or simply not caring that my boot/bandage combo hindered their nuzzling.

"Miss'er Nay-Nay, gid' yup Mis-ter Nay-Nay!" The small child tried climbing up my leg, repeating their nonsense all the while. With a laugh, I lowered myself to the ground, and was soon the personal playground of the adventurous foal. I had never liked kids, but this one was too cute to be awful. Even with a mild hangover.

"Well, well, well, little Mr Missy Miss, what's your name, and what are you doing around here?" Identifying gender by looking at a crystal horse was difficult, and while I was pretty sure it was a dude-horse, I decided to play it safe.

"I'm, I'm El-lot. Ell-ee-ot."

I swear the name stumble would have annoyed me back as a human, but it was the cutest thing hearing this child fumble its words. But seriously, "Elliot? Thats my name; I guess I can be Elliot and you can be little Elliot-Too." The child rolled off my back, scrambled in front of me, and stared me down, scrunching its face. Oh god, my heart.

"Nuh-uh! You're Mister Nay-Nay!" he squeaked, punctuating with a hoof to my nose. "Let's go see dinosaurs, Mister N-"

"Bleu, thats not safe, get away from that horse!" a new voice rang out across the gas station. Turning my head, I could see it was a another blue mini-horse person, albeit a normal sized one. She had dingy, matted cerulean coat, and a tangled violet mane hanging above a long, spiraled horn. Despite her overall dirty appearance, her piercing sapphire eyes were rich and gleaming. Or, at least they would be, if they weren't currently glaring at me.

With an adorable huff, Elliot buried his head in my mane and began hugging my neck. "Now, Bleu." She sounded pissed.

"Blue? Really? He said his name was Elliot," I was pretty sure the big little bluehorse was calling the tiny glass bluehorse Blue, and I just wanted to set things straight. Maybe state my mind a little. "Blue just sounds...unoriginal. Zero effort given into it. I'd have called him Shiny, or Adorable."

Her steely gaze fell, and she looked confused. "'He said'? You mean, you got him to talk? Actually talk? To you? What'd you say to get him to like you so much?"

"Nothing; I was out here getting gas when little Elliot-too here snuck up on me. Called me 'Mister Nay-Nay', I'm going to assume a horse is somehow involved. Well, one other than me. Obviously." I honestly couldn't say Nay-Nay with a straight face.

"Yeah, albiet one that doesn't look as beat up as you," she said, fishing a plush horse from a backpack strapped to her side. "Come on Bl-er, Elliot..."

Reluctantly, Elliot-Too separated himself from my neck, and trudged towards the mystery mare. Once he snatched the horse from her telekinetic grasp, he forgot his reluctance and began eagerly playing with the plush, which was nearly as big as he was.

"So, whats a half-dead looking horse doing following us?" There was a certain edge to her voice, and a brilliant fire in her eyes. Yeah, not even a minute, and she fucking hated me.

"Okay, first off, it looks worse than it is; I crashed a bunch and then got really trashed yesterday, but I feel pretty good right about now. And B, I'm just here to get gas for my car. What are you doing all the way out here? Palm Springs is a pretty good way away from anything..." Quid pro quo, tit-for-tat and all that.

It was evident from her continued glaring that she doubted me. After a brief, awkward pause, she answered, "We're on our way to the Everafter...."

My confusion must have been evident, as her features softened and she stared at me quizzically. "You know, the 'Gates of Ever After', the place that the Space woman wants us to go to?"

"..."

"Look, when you go to sleep, hasn't there been a series of voices talking to you? I mean, the friggen horse God of the aliens must have spent the better part of three days explaining that shit to everyone. We're supposed to be gathering survivors and supplies, and meeting up all over the country. Our closest site is somewhere east of here, dubbed 'Ever After'...Y-you have been hearing them, right?"

"..."

"The kids and I hear 'em..."

"...What the fuck have you been smoking, and where can I find some?" I mean, the blue talking horse was still plenty trippy enough, but talking about, well, this was something special. "And...what do you mean 'the kids'?"

She shook her head, and left with Elliot-Too, who muttered a soft "G'bye", and disappeared back into the convenience store.

The last 'unicorn' I'd pissed off beat my ass senseless with his freaky magic, so I decided not to investigate. I went back to filling the small gascan.

* * *

Working a crank was pretty difficult with hooves. Which is to say, it friggen sucks. The gascan only held at most two gallons of gas, and even that took several minutes of awkward cranking, fumbling, and swearing.

Satisfied regardless, I gathered my items and prepared to set off. I turned around and practically bumped into the blue mare from before. I jumped back, screaming, much to the delight of...oh boy, several children sitting in a rickety wooden cart nearby.

"So, I was kinda hoping you were just a horse earlier, because pulling this damn thing is a hassle. Think you could-"

Nope. Not dealing with that shit. With a shake of my head, I made my way down the highway into Palm Springs.

"Eh, worth a shot..."

* * *

In the few miles we walked, she went on to tell me that she had awoken the same day I had, the 23rd, missing fingers and family. Unlike me, she had kept track of the days, and my guestimated 8 days was actually a long 10 (so I guess I must have been out longer those few blackouts....damn).

Her name was Winter, though it was some of the children calling her 'Miss Winter' that told me rather than her; beyond telling me that she had gathered these children and walked all the way from Long Beach here, she was pretty tight-lipped. I tried asking more about this 'Luna' character but she would either change the subject or go back to walking in silence.

I looked into the cramped wagon and saw a decent amount of supplies stacked alongside the playing children. Elliot-Too met my gaze with an adorably soft "H'llo", which earned a smile from the elusive Winter. She went on to tell me that, aside from soft crying before falling asleep, Elliot hadn't made a peep since he'd been found by her. She claimed he wasn't always the vibrant color I'd seen, but was a very muted cyan before this morning. At my disbelief, she insisted that I 'should be more open to strange things in this new world'. Creepy as shit, thats what she is.

It was only the beginning.

***

We had finally reached the end of the end of the highway (although Route 111 continued on through Palm Springs, it was officially Palm Canyon). While I made for my truck, Winter took her rickety cart to the nearby visitors center.

After filling the tank with what little I had in the gascan, I was busy in the cab, pumping the pedal. Winter walked up to me, so I lowered the window and stopped.

"So, uh, what're you doing?" She was looking at the front of the truck; I think she doubted the ability of the vehicle to function after a crash.

"Well, trying to get this truck running. After that, I'm going to go fill 'er up at the station proper, and then...who knows? Wherever the Fun Ferry decides to...well, ferry me I guess, and...yeah."

She raised an eyebrow. "The 'Fun Ferry'? Sure you don't mean the 'Cuddle Shuttle'?" Ha-ha, how'd she....oh shit, how'd she know?! A glance at the missing hood showed that she couldn't have simply read it. Something was wrong.

"Cuddle Shuttle? That doesn't technically rhyme if you enunciate. I'm more fond of alliteration anyway. Get it? Always admired alliteration above...yeah..." Just play it cool.

I think she bought it, but she kept her eyes narrowed, staring me down for the longest time. I simply went back to cranking the car, and it roared to life.

"Well, uh, I guess thats good. I'll just go fill up the tank, and if you want, I'll be on my way, and..."

"Come back. Fill the tank and come back here." There was ice in her voice but fire in her eyes. She sounded so much younger than me, and was signifiganly dwarfed by myself, let alone the huge pickup, and honestly I was terrified of her. She had those crazy-eyes.

I expected her to go back to the visitors center, but as I turned around and drove down the highway, I could see her glaring at my truck . At me.

Creepy as shit.