My story begins like a lot of stories. It begins with me waking up in Equestria. Being a fan of the show, of course, I had read a lot of fanfiction, and this was practically a dream come true. I pinched myself to make sure that I was indeed not asleep, and jumped in glee when I was satisfied that this was not the case. Ignoring the burning sensation in my arm, I immediately set off in the direction of the nearest town, knowing it had to be Ponyville.

And, of course, it was. At this point I was absolutely sure this was a self-insert fic come to life. As I strolled into town, various ponies gave me strange looks and some even looked downright frightened. I ignored them and set my sights on a destination I easily recognized from the show. A large building that appeared to be straight from a Hansel and Gretel storybook towered over the nearby buildings and I triumphantly strode towards it.

Sugarcube Corner. As I approached, the smell of freshly baked goods and sweets wafted through the air and nearly knocked me off my feet with how heavenly it smelled. I opened the door, which was significantly shorter than a normal door, and ducked inside, ignoring even more quizzical glances from the townsfolk.

The inside of the bakery was mostly empty, with only one patron inside who was occupied with their newspaper, and a fuzzy pink mane bobbing about in and out of view under the counter, like a cotton candy land shark.

Pinkie Pie was always my favorite character in the show, being the bubbliest and just the damned cutest of the Mane Six. I loved her humor and eccentric personality, and had always daydreamed about meeting her in person--er, pony. A silly notion, of course, but look where I was now. A goddamned pastel gingerbread house.

She popped up as if she were doing her best whack-a-mole impersonation and noticed me halfway through the doorway. She didn't seem the least fazed by my appearance.

"Hiya!"

"Oh, hi there."

"Can I get you something?" She smiled and tilted her head. Geez, she wasn't at all concerned about an enormous two-legged hairless monkey waltzing into the establishment? It was pretty obvious there weren't any other humans here, based on the reactions of the other ponies.

"Uh...."

"Go ahead, take your time. Let me know when you've decided." She pounced back down to whatever it was she had been doing.

Geez, even for Pinkie this seemed a little bit out there. I mean, treating the unusual like it was ordinary was kind of her thing, but she acted like it was any old pony dithering about the shop. I decided if I was going to, now was a good time to move forward into typical fanfiction territory and move in with her.

"Well uh, I'm kind of new in town...."

"Oh?" Her head tilted curiously, and I swallowed. God, she was adorable when she was clueless. Or any time, for that matter.

"Yeah, uh, this might seem a bit unorthodox, but do you uh...happen to have a room available?"

"As a matter of fact, we do!"

I almost fainted from plot convenience.

"Oh, so is it for rent?"

"Nah, you can just stay there!" I breathed a sigh of relief, as I didn't have my wallet on me, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have accepted US currency, anyhow.

"Well...thanks!"

"No problem! Here, I'll show you up there!"

She lead me up the flight of stairs and down a hallway, and unlocked a door.

"Here you are, right across the hall from my room!" I mentally addressed a letter to any deity that might be listening: Dear god, if I am dreaming, kill me now. I peered into the room and it was nearly barren except for a bed (obviously not designed for my stature) and a wooden shelf.

"Well, hope you like it!" She handed--er, hoofed--still getting used to the language difference--over the keys and I slipped them into my pocket.

"Oh, do you want a cookie?" She held a cookie she materialized out of who-knows-where.

"Oh, uh, thanks." I gratefully accepted, took a bite, and gave an "mm" for her benefit. She smiled wide at me, and trotted back down the stairs. Hot damn, and they say Rarity is the element of generosity. ...not to mention that generous ass I got a fine view of as she headed back downstairs.

* * *

It had been a week since I had arrived in Ponyville. Life was pretty damn good. Pinkie was awesome, ponies in general began to accept my existence, and I had learned a couple things about this place that I couldn't have possibly learned from the show.

First, humans absolutely don't exist and never have in Equestria, besides me, of course. So I was the first one here. Second, the ponies have not a single clue about sex, whatsoever. I wasn't sure if they had genitalia, as I was a little too polite to ask, or check. As for reproduction, I have no fucking idea how that happens. Maybe asexually, like big horse-shaped amoebas. Oh, and there was one more thing I found out. Pinkie was hot, and I was horny as fuck.

I decided that if I was gonna live up to my destiny as the protagonist I better make a move on Pinkie. She was definitely the best one for introducing the idea of fucking to, as she was obviously fun-loving and open to new ideas.

It was late afternoon and the shop was closed for the day, Mr. and Mrs. Cake were off somewhere, running errands perhaps. Pinkie and I were all alone on the upper floor. I knew now was a good time as ever, so I went over and knocked on her door.

"Who is iiiit?"

"It's me, Pinkie. There's nobody else in the building right now, silly." She opened the door and beamed at me.

"I know! But you can never be too sure...." She glanced around warily and I chuckled.

"So? What's up?"

"Do you want to try something fun?"

"Do I!"

"Well, come into my room then."

She bounced gleefully through my door and sat on my bed. Here goes, now or never.

"So, you like balloons, right?"

"Is Celestia's favorite dessert cake?"

"Uh...."

"The answer is yes, silly!"

"Oh. Right. Anyways, there's something I want to show you. It's uh, kind of like a balloon." She looked at me excitedly and waited for me to present this new source of wonderment.

Well, no sense beating around the bush. Well, literally in this case I suppose. I unzipped my pants and let my dick fall limp out of my pants.

"Ooooooh!" She zeroed in directly on my penis and examined it closely. Her breath was light and as she looked at it up and down, I felt myself stiffen to about half-mast. This was gonna feel so good.

"So what, do you just blow into it like a balloon?"

"Uh, kinda, yeah."

"Neat!" She didn't waste any time and immediately tried blowing air directly into my dick hole.

"Shit!" I gasped and fell over onto the bed a little. She stopped and peeked up over at me.

"What was that? You ok?"

"Huh? Yeah. Fine." Fuck that hurt. It was unexpected and sudden but thankfully the pain didn't last too long.

"I'm ok now I think."

"Okay! So should I try blowing in it again or--"

"Actually, let me show you what you're supposed to do."

"Okay!" I took her hooves in my hands and guided them along the sides of my shaft, which was beginning to harden again after that initial fright. I moved them up and down and she began to copy the movement, and I let go. She smiled up at me.

"Like this?"

"Ohhhhhh yeah. Just like that." Hot damn I was gonna enjoy this. I'm glad she was having fun too, at least. She giggled and began moving her hooves back and forth faster and faster along my fully erect penis, and I could feel my heart pounding and my breath quickening.

"So it's supposed to be like a balloon, but I don't blow into it? So what am I supposed to do then? Just this?"

"Well, if you want, and you're gentle about it, you can put it in your mouth and blow lightly."

"Okay!" She quickly engulfed the tip of my throbbing cock in her mouth and began to blow away. Fuck, I was already so close to cumming after all this pent-up attraction to her, and not being able to find bunk time for myself. I moaned loudly and caressed her mane. She looked up, slightly startled, and stopped what she was doing.

"Are you ok?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. You were doing great."

"Oh, it didn't sound like it. I thought I did bad again."

"No, no, that meant it was going well."

"Okay!" She beamed at me and started to move her hooves up and down my dick again. Holy shit I was almost there. Just a little more....

"I know!" She suddenly stopped and made a snapping sound with her hoof, leaving me confused about why I hadn't cum and how the hell she even did that without fingers.

"I'll be right back, I have just the thing to make this all perfect!"

"Uh...okay?" She bounced quickly out of the room, leaving me sitting on the bed with my softening penis and the near-orgasm high. I was in no mood to try to stop her, and just wanted to do anything to get her to finish the job, so to speak. Maybe she'd have some kinky shit that I'd actually be in to and it'd be great. A minute or so later, she returned, towing a small cart with a cover over it.

"Ta-da!" She exclaimed, tossing aside the cover with some confetti poppers going off for dramatic effect. The object under the tarp was laden with various dials, nozzles, pumps, and canisters.

"Uh, what is it?"

"It's a helium pump! For all the balloons I make. If I didn't have this baby, I'd be lucky to get a party going in five minutes! I figured if normal air didn't work in this special instance, helium would be worth a shot!"

"Uh, Pinkie...." She began to hook up some tubes and hum a little tune with her tail stuck straight into the air, kneeling down once or twice to give some more fine ass-views. She dragged a nozzle over and set it next to my dick.

"Ok, here we go!" I began to protest but she jammed the nozzle (which [somewhat thankfully] had a narrow cone tip) directly into my cock. I gasped and cringed and felt my dick harden. Wait, was I actually enjoying this?

"And now to turn it on!" Oh shit. She flipped a switch and the pump began to go, accompanied by a loud whirr and hum. Helium began pumping directly from the tube into my penis.

"Oh shit! Pinkie, stop!"

"What was that? Sorry, I can't hear you with the pump going!" I watched in horror as I saw a bubble of helium inflate in the middle of my dick, and grow ever larger at an alarming rate.

"PINKIE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP PUMPING!"

"What was that? You want me to turn it to the top setting? Okay!" She threw the throttle into overdrive and the machine became even louder and began to pump even faster. I was frozen in terror as my dick inflated to an incredible size, held aloft by my erection standing in defiance of my rational will and the helium. Oh god, it was getting so huge. Was it just going to burst all over the walls? What the fuck was happening right now?

It was at this moment exactly I realized I had fucked up.

Fortunately, my cock didn't explode all over the walls like an indoor terrorist. Unfortunately, however, the helium had to go somewhere, and the only somewhere that was, was the rest of my body. I don't know about biology or physics or anything really, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to work that way, at least in my world. Maybe cartoon physics were different here. Maybe I should actually focus on what's going on here, because HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK.

Pinkie happily leaned on the machine, and I glanced at her for help. She waved and smiled, and it was obvious she had no clue what I was experiencing. I tried to signal for help, but my arms were becoming engulfed by my inflating torso. I began to rise off the bed, and soon was bouncing against the ceiling. I tried to speak, but my chest had pinned my chin solidly to my upper jaw, and I had little control over my muscles at this point. It was then I realized the biggest mistake of all.

The window was open.

Not only was I about to be sucked out into the void of the sky, I realized that most of Ponyville could've easily been watching this entire escapade, which was profoundly embarrassing, but I had bigger problems to worry about. I slowly drifted, agonizingly slow out the window and up and away. I realized that I still had a lifeline-- the helium tube. It had barely reached the end of its length, and my body tugged against it, swaying in the breeze, my view bobbing around back and forth because I couldn't move my head at all. I knew this could end in two ways-- I get dragged back in the window by Pinkie, or it gets unplugged and I fall to the ground, since nothing would be holding the helium in any longer,and both of these seemed likely to be nonfatal, considering the fall was about 10-15 ft. I didn't even consider the third option, which is the one that happened, of course. Murphy's Law, I suppose.

The helium nozzle became unplugged and I braced myself for a fall, or even a comical whoosh of helium out of my body as I whipped around. But no, I didn't begin to deflate or anything. I continued drifting along in the sky, further and further from the ground. What the hell? I could barely move my neck just far enough to look at my dick, and realize, in another shock, that my dick was tied into a fucking knot. Pinkie Pie leaned out the window.

"How's that? Inflates balloons faster than you can say 'wowwie zowwie!' And it ties its own knots too!" That's just fan-fucking-tastic. At least I wasn’t in searing awful pain.

I tried to protest but all that came out was a gurgling mumble. Pinkie Pie retreated into the window and I was left alone in the sky, save for a few ponies I happened to see on the ground gawking up and pointing at my bloated gravity-defying body. A minute or so later Pinkie Pie bounced out of Sugarcube Corner and followed me around on the ground smiling and generally looking pleased with herself. I kept drifting farther up into the sky, slowly, and soon became too far to properly see her facial expressions.

Man, talk about a bad case of the Mondays.

The last thing I remember before passing out and endlessly drifting into the Equestrian sky were two ponies on the ground, one Pinkie, and another I couldn't quite make out, but assumed was Twilight based on the purple coat. I could only barely hear their conversation over the distance and breeze.

"So who was it you wanted to show me, Pinkie?"

"Him!"

"Uh, that's a balloon."

"No, that's him. I think he's like a balloon person or something. He showed me his mouthpiece and I blew into it!"

"Uh-huh. Whatever you say."

"I sure hope I meet another one of his species again soon! Then we can throw a party for them, and THEY'LL be the decorations!"
I let a single tear drop from my eye and hoped to dear fuck that nobody else will experience the same misfortune as me.

Author's Note

I'm a horrible person for writing this