The Fumble

“I had no idea unicorns were physically capable of suplexing a full-grown robot through a door,” Eye Lash marveled from his position in a crumpled heap on the ground outside the academy.

“THIS UNIT CONCURS. IN ADDITION, THIS UNIT’S ANNOYANCE PARAMETERS HAVE BEEN ADJUSTED TO INCLUDE UNIT-SPYGLASS CURRENTLY. ALL READINGS ARE SET TO MAXIMUM FOR HIS INSISTENCE ON FAILING TO ASSIST.” Velvet rolled over, her legs flailing in the air with a series of spastic clicking noises. “UNIT-EYE, ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED. THIS UNIT HAS FALLEN AND IS UNABLE TO RETURN TO VERTICAL POSITIONING.”

“Ah. Certainly, my dear.” A hot pink aura of energy surrounded Velvet, assisting the unicorn-bot in righting herself just as Eye Lash managed to get to his own feet. “I don’t quite understand what just happened. Nobody was using that armor, anyway!”

“THIS UNIT SUSPECTS THAT OTHERS ARE LESS THAN APPRECIATIVE OF YOUR USE OF THEIR PERSONAL PROPERTY, UNIT-EYE.”

“I only got a little drool on one pauldron,” Eye protested. “I was showing restraint!”

“Stop! This is the city guard! Stop, I say!”

Eye’s ears perked up and began to quiver with excitement. “Velvet, darling, do you hear that?”

“THIS UNIT’S CAPACITY FOR PROCESSING AUDITORY STIMULI IS OPERATING AT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, UNIT-EYE.”

“Either that’s a large and heavily armed group of pegasi on their way to arrest us, or it’s a large and heavily armed group of pegasi on their way to arrest someone else who is possibly equally dashing and prone to fits of cathartic violence!” Eye Lash produced several pistols, each levitating in his aura and each pointed in a separate cardinal direction. “Shall we go see what all the fuss is about?”

“THIS UNIT HAS CONCLUDED THAT TO DO SO WOULD VIOLATE COMMON SENSE IN REGARDS TO BOTH PROPOSED SCENARIOS. HOWEVER, UNIT-EYE EXISTS ENTIRELY OUTSIDE THE REALM OF COMMON SENSE. THIS UNIT ACCEPTS YOUR PROPOSAL.”

The two charged down the street, accidentally knocking over two little old ladies and a mailman who had the misfortune of taking a wrong turn on his way to 15 Oakley Lane.

It was at this moment that the door to the academy opened, Patch and Spyglass walking out of it. Spyglass groaned. “I’m still not sure how the vampire-by-marriage thing is supposed to work, but I suppose if those three signed off on it…”

“I wouldn’t worry, Captain. I got the feeling they weren’t entirely ordinary either.” Patch leaned back, preening his left wing. “Huh. I think I’m actually starting to develop a little bit of a membrane back here. Next time we’re in town, remind me to get that checked out.”

“Membrane? Vampire ponies have membranous wings? How- I don’t- wait a minute!” Spyglass spluttered. “Putting all that aside, what do you mean they weren’t ordinary ponies? I thought they were just academics! That’s how they introduced themselves to me before!”

“You didn’t notice?” Patch stared at Spyglass incredulously. “The overt references to seeing the future, the fact that they apparently knew Eye Lash was going to come here, the names…”

“What’s so unusual about their names? Though… now that I think about it, weren’t they something different before?” Spyglass shook his head in disgust. “Is this it? Am I becoming old and senile? I can’t become old or senile! I’m barely into my forties!”

“You’re past forty?”

“We were discussing weird names, Mr. Patch?”

“Nice save, Captain,” Patch deadpanned. “Anyway, yes. Weird names. I may not have been with your crew long, but my great aunt Star Chaser used to grab me from my bed while I was sleeping and whisk me away to exotic locales to be wowed by the children of the night there.”

“Bwah?”

Patch moved closer to Spyglass’s side, keeping the other stallion from falling over in his surprise. “It’s apparently vampire tradition. That or my great aunt is a terrible liar, and I’m willing to consider both possibilities. Regardless, I’ve been all over the northern end of Equestria, and I can tell you this much: the last time I heard the name ‘Verandi’, it was during a bonfire where a traveling zebra shaman was telling stories.”

Spyglass pursed his lips. “That doesn’t mean anything. ‘Verandi’ could be some kind of legendary hero or something, and the pony in there is named after her. And the future could just be a mage thing.”

“Really? You think three mages with the power to rival the Princess herself would be sitting in an out of the way border town? I don’t know what kind of cuckoo world you live in, Captain, but-” Patch stopped abruptly. “Speaking of cuckoo, where on earth is Eye Lash? I thought when we asked, school security said they’d just suplexed him out of the door and he’d be right outside.”

“I’m sure he’s fine. We left Velvet with him, and she wouldn’t let him do anything-” Spyglass’ mouth clamped shut. “I’m not even going to finish that sentence. It was dumb.”

“Agreed.” Patch sprang into the air, his wings flapping furiously. “I’m going to do some aerial recon. You track down the city guards and- no, if they find him they’ll probably have reason to issue an arrest warrant.”

“You’re quite sharp on the uptake, Mr. Patch.” Spyglass took to the air himself. “Let’s put our brains together. Where on earth would Mr. Lash or Ms. Velvet go in this sprawling trade city that would cater to their unusual tastes?”

“Brothel?” Patch suggested.

“Well, the Pink Fig is down the road, but I’m not sure Mr. Lash knows that,” Spyglass mused. “Is there anything closer?”

“I heard two screams that sounded like old women getting run over and one ‘oh no, my packages!’ faintly in that direction,” Patch said, pointing.

“Perfect! That’s our lead then. Let’s hurry and collect those two before-” suddenly, Spyglass trailed off, and a cheshire grin spread across his face. “..Mr. Patch, wait a moment. Why are we bothering to do this? We could get back to the docks, make sail-”

“He captured the Tomcat. He is our meal ticket. We freed several slaves, many of whom had families,” Patch reminded his captain bluntly.

“Damn you and your logic, Mr. Patch,” Spyglass huffed as the two set off after Velvet and Eye Lash as quickly as their wings would take them.

“I admit, I wasn’t entirely sure what I expected,” Eye Lash admitted as he took in the scene in front of him. “I find myself mostly lost for words and entranced by that stallion’s fantastically hot profile.”

“QUERY: IS UNIT-EYE CONSIDERING MOVING OUTSIDE THE BOUNDARIES PREVIOUSLY AGREED ON FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP?”

“Absolutely,” Eye responded without skipping a beat.

“IT WAS TO BE EXPECTED.”

Velvet and Eye Lash were across the street from what appeared to be some sort of dramatic standoff, as evidenced by both a growing crowd of onlookers and a few entrepreneurial pegasi selling the opportunity to witness things from the air to ground-bound folk. As Eye Lash had predicted, a group of about five heavily armed pegasus guards were staring down a pair of criminals. However, one of them appeared to be nine years old and was currently glaring up at her pursuers with a wounded dignity that was undercut when coupled with the fact that she was currently standing on another pony’s shoulders.

Fortunately what dignity the filly lacked was made up for by her fellow’s surplus. He stood with all the bearing and posture of a noble, and his bright blue eyes glistened with contempt. The guards had failed to charge and overwhelm him entirely because they had instinctively paused, waiting for orders.

The filly leaped from his shoulders, landing unsteadily on her feet. “Thank you for your assistance, good sir,” she managed. “I think I can take it from here.”

“UNIT-EYE,” Velvet said, attempting to whisper but being thwarted by her volume malfunction. “I BELIEVE THAT FILLY IS MISSING HER LEFT EYE.”

“The filly? Oh yes, there was one of those on that gorgeous blonde’s shoulder, wasn’t there? I thought she was some kind of grey annoyance elemental for a moment.” Eye Lash tore his gaze away from the stallion for a moment to take her in. “Missing an eye? Are you sure? She has her mane in front-”

“THIS UNIT IS POSITIVE.”

“I see… and why is this a significant detail?” Eye Lash scratched the side of his head with a pistol.

“UNIT-SPYGLASS’ CREW, FOR SOME REASON, IS ENTIRELY COMPOSED OF PONIES WITH EYE-RELATED PHENOMENA ASSOCIATED. THIS UNIT BELIEVES SHE IS AS GOOD AN EXCUSE AS ANY TO-”

“Say no more.” Eye Lash smirked, then passionately kissed Velvet.

The robot’s body sparked- literally- for a few moments before she fell over. “S-SENSORY OVERLOAD…”

“We really will have to work on that at some point,” Eye sighed.

Meanwhile, the confrontation between guard and possible-noble continued. “Mr. Space Jammer-”

“Space Jam,” the unicorn corrected him, his pristine white coat glimmering in this sun in such a way that Eye Lash felt his heart speed up by at least three percent.

“Very well then. Mr. Space Jam, you are arrested for hurling a citizen, one Mr. Griffith Keanes, into a midden while he was performing his civic duty.”

“He was attempting to kidnap a nine year old filly,” Space Jam responded with all the venom he could muster.

“He was attempting to apprehend a known criminal and report her to the guard!” the pegasus retorted, his wings flaring out in his anger. “And you! Little miss Woe-”

“That is not my actual name,” the filly snapped. Her horn flared with a bright green aura for a moment as she adjusted strands of her mouse-brown mane, making sure it continued to conceal her left eye as she glared up at the guardsponies. “What have I possibly done that would require a griffon and six armed guards to apprehend me?”

“You stole extremely unstable alchemical reagents from the university! There were witnesses!”

“I was trying to use them to synthesize a salad. I was very hungry.”

“Alright, gentlemen and young lady, and possibly several older ladies since it’s very hard to tell when you’re in those fetching suits of town guard armor,” Eye Lash interrupted, casually striding into the middle of the dispute while holding his pistols aloft, “I believe we’ve gone far enough. Why don’t we just all agree that since I am the future ruler of the world, I can simply extend a pardon to my two subjects here?”

The guardsponies scrambled back into a defensive position. Only their leader continued to directly confront Eye, ready to spring at him from a short distance away if he attempted to fire his weapons. “Are you mad?”

“I believe nine out of ten passers-by agree that I am maddeningly beautiful, yes,” Eye replied, his voice honeysuckle-sweet. “The remainder prefer to think of me as ruggedly handsome. Regardless, I assure you that neither of these ponies are the ones you are looking for. Why, the two of them were with me all afternoon!”

The filly leaped forward, tugging at Eye’s leg. “Are you attempting to get yourself arrested?” she hissed into his ear. “They’ve been following us for three blocks, there’s no way they will believe you!”

Ignoring her, Eye Lash moved a step closer to the guard. Concealing all of his pistols save one, he brought the last to his mouth and ran his tongue along the barrel. “In fact, I can guarantee that Mr. Space Jam and I were deeply, intimately busy getting to know each other. If you saw anyone throwing griffons into midden heaps, I assure you that it was not this paragon of stallionhood behind me-”

Space Jam attempted to remain stoic, but his cheeks had already turned bright red.

“-and furthermore, this young filly was clearly falsely reported by those boors at the academy. I guarantee you anything she took was probably from some heap of objects that weren’t being used for anything to begin with.” Eye Lash smiled. “So what do you say, gentlemares and stallions? Would you prefer to keep up the pursuit, or should we switch to more… interesting methods of discourse?”

One of the guardsponies near the back of the column spoke up. “Sir, why is that unicorn currently sucking on the barrel of his-”

“Guards, we have obviously made a mistake,” the leader said, backing away from Eye Lash as slowly as he could without tripping over himself. “Those are not the criminals we were chasing.”

”They’re not?” one of the others asked, confused. “We were right on their tails through three alleyways and-”

“Of course not, Silver Spear, don’t be ridiculous,” the leader interrupted. “They are all obviously fine, upstanding citizens who I am not getting paid nearly enough to investigate at this moment. I’m sure the real criminals are at the docks and long gone by now, or will be by the end of the day.” he attempted to glare at Eye Lash, but in his nervousness it came off as more of an awkward squint.

“Of course,” Eye crooned after removing his gun from his mouth. “I’m quite sure this is the last you’ll see of any of us.”

“Good. Right, guards. Let’s fly!” The squadron leaped up, taking to the air and vanishing in a ruffle of feathers.

Eye gave his pistol one last, slow lick and concealed it. “I knew it was nothing a little diplomacy couldn’t solve.”

“Diplomacy?” The filly stared up at him in shock. “You just threatened the guard with violence and gave a rimjob to a pistol while doing it!”

“How does a nine-year-old know what that even is?” Space Jam spoke, his blush finally fading.

“I live on the streets, you hear things depending on where you sleep, and yes it’s exactly as awkward and vexing as you think.” She sighed, shaking her head. “...Regardless, I suppose I should thank you for rescuing the two of us. Though I have no idea how we’re supposed to leave town.”

“Oh, that’s easy!” Eye laughed. “I have a pirate ship!”

Space Jam blinked in surprise. “What?”

“REBOOT COMPLETE.” Velvet sauntered over to the group, still shaky on her legs but recovering. “THIS UNIT CAN CONFIRM THAT THERE IS INDEED A PIRATE SHIP LOCATED-”

“I-is that…” The filly looked up at Velvet, and then-

The remaining crowd members - the ones who hadn’t run when Eye Lash had casually pointed pistols in all directions - winced as a high pitched “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” rang through the streets, cracking two windows.

“A fully autonomous unicorn-decoy android! I’ve read about constructs like you! Part automated clockwork, part high-density magical circuitry- but I thought that was all speculative right now. It was in Rhinestone’s book of clockwork theorems in the academy library, but he said that he suspected the construction of the first completely self-sufficient androids wouldn’t begin for at least another half-century, possibly longer! Seeing you in my lifetime is-” the excited filly gasped for breath and ran over to Velvet’s side, poking at her. “You have to let me take a look at her inner workings, you just have to!”

Eye Lash frowned. “That, young lady, is my future queen. I would prefer to be the only one poking her insides.”

The filly stopped. “Wait, you used her for-” she gagged. “Ugh! You- you’re just sick! Why would you even do that, she probably wasn’t constructed with the necessary functions!”

“THIS UNIT CAN CONFIRM THAT UNIT-EYE IS SICK IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY,” Velvet declared, staring at Eye with all the affection her cold, clockwork heart could possibly muster.

“Oh, darling,” Eye sighed, “truly we were meant to rule together.”

The filly frowned. “Android, what is your unit designation? And why are you using amplified volume? I think if you push the decibel level any higher it will qualify as a sonic weapon.”

“I concur,” Space Jam winced.

“THIS UNIT’S DESIGNATION IS UNIT-CERISE VELVET, SIMPLIFIED FORM UNIT-VELVET. THIS UNIT’S VOLUME CONTROL IS CURRENTLY FIXED AT MAXIMUM DUE TO A SYSTEM ER-ER-ER-ER-”

“I’ll get it, dear.” Eye Lash slammed the butt of his pistol against the side of Velvet’s head.

“-ERROR. YOUR ASSISTANCE IS ONCE AGAIN APPRECIATED, UNIT-EYE.”

The filly frowned, then smiled. “Mr. Eye? If you’ll please allow me to take a look at her inner mechanisms, I promise you I can fix that volume malfunction.”

“Really?” Eye Lash returned the smile, his eyes twinkling with excitement. “And then will you fix some of her other functions? Because last night we were about to-”

“The condition of me fixing any of those particular malfunctions is that you keep such details to yourself.”

Eye sighed. “You’re such a spoilsport, little Woe-”

“I told you, that’s not my name! Some idiot once shouted ‘woe betide you, you little thief’ and now everyone calls me that! It vexes me more than I can express!” the filly shouted, her one good eye fixed on Eye Lash with a death glare.

“Might help if you actually did tell us your name,” Jam suggested. “You’ve never said it once.”

“Oh.” The filly backed down, embarrassed. “Thank you, Mr. Space Jam, for pointing that out. And also for magically suplexing a griffon into a midden heap earlier.”

“It was nothing.”

“My real name is Utter Vexation. I realize it’s a mouthful, so if you prefer, ‘Vex’ is an acceptable alternative. I picked it out myself as soon as I was old enough after my mother tried to saddle me with ‘Safflower’.” Vex shuddered.

“What’s wrong with safflower?” Jam asked.

“Everything.”

“DULY NOTED. UNIT-VEX’S DESIGNATION IS CONFIRMED.”

“And now with the boring interactions out of the way…” Eye sashayed a few steps closer to Space Jam, batting his eyes at the other stallion. “Hello, handsome. Would you care to join me for a romantic outing?”

Jam’s entire coat seemed to flush bright red at once. “I- ah- hm, well, my schedule’s free- and- possibly- well maybe- erm- yes?”

“Perfect!” Eye bounded off down the street. “Come then, my dear, let us away!”

Jam recovered just enough to call after Eye. “What about the other two?”

“They can come as well! The more people involved, the more romantic!”

“...This equation seems questionable,” Vex muttered.

“AFTER SOME TIME, UNIT-VEX, YOU WILL LEARN THAT QUESTIONING UNIT-EYE IS FUNCTIONALLY A USELESS ENDEAVOR.”

“This is… romantic?”

Space Jam stared at the exterior of the building Eye Lash had led the group to. It was a ramshackle establishment, with dirty windows and a faded sign. He could just barely make out that it read “Gunsmith Bird s”- presumably the apostrophe had been lost to time.

“Of course this is romantic, my dear! This building is full of the most romantic, most sensual, most exhilarating objects known to equinity,” Eye Lash proclaimed before producing all of his pistols at once. “Weapons!”

Vex simply stared at the assembled guns. “It is both implausible that you would be able to carry so many of those with you at once and that the fourth pistol from the right has four barrels for no discernible reason.”

“Silly child, of course there’s a discernible reason!” Eye crowed.

“That being?”

“Four barrels means four times as beautiful.” Eye kissed the gun tenderly, before stowing it and his other weapons away. “Now, come one, come all! Let us see what sort of individual is the proprietor of this most decadent of date locations!”

Vex nudged Space Jam’s thigh. “Do you get the impression that we have both been recruited by a madpony?”

Jam nodded and sighed. “A supremely attractive madpony.”

Eye opened the door to the shop, bounding through dramatically. “Hello, good sir or madam or possibly some heretofore unknown combination of existence beyond the two! I am Eye Lash, the future conqueror of this city, and my consorts and I would ever so enjoy a chance to examine your quality wares!”

“We’re consorts already?” Jam mumbled, turning bright red as he did.

“If he thinks that includes me, I’m going to defenestrate him,” Vex snarled.

Jam glanced down at her in surprise. “Defenestrate?”

“It means to throw out of a window.”

“I know what the word means, I’m just wondering how you’ll manage that. You barely seem to have enough magical power to pick up that screwdriver you’re levitating. Incidentally, where did that come from?”

“I picked it up on the way over,” Vex replied as she continued to tap away at the back of Velvet’s head with the butt of the screwdriver, “and as for how I’ll manage a good old-fashioned defenestration, the use of applied physics.”

“Ah.”

“Ah, well met, my… scrumptious looking travelers. Such handsome guests I have today!”

A rather odd-sounding voice interrupted the four, and its owner rose up from behind the counter. He was a tall, silver-feathered griffon with a luxurious mustache and an impeccably dapper waistcoat. Leaning over the counter, he smirked at Eye Lash, waggling both mustachios in an obvious “come hither”. “My name is Gustav Ironbeak. So, future conqueror, which of my fine wares do you wish to handle for yourself?”

Eye leaned in close, smiling. “All of them.”

“All of them? Are you sure?” Gustav leaned in as well, his beak millimetres from Eye’s snout. “I have several that you may not be able to handle. In fact, should you be willing to step behind the counter, I have one that you and the other two adults may find absolutely fascinating to handle.”

“Tell me more, sir, tell me more.”

“Are you aware that griffon penises are covered in several-” Gustav was cut off as two bullets whizzed over his head, punching a hole in the wall behind him. “I say!”

Velvet jittered as a concealed spraygun folded neatly back into her side. “THIS UNIT APOLOGIZES. IT WAS A REFLEXIVE ACTION WHILE UNIT-VEX ATTEMPTED TO DIAGNOSE THE SOURCE OF THIS UNIT’S VOLUME MALFUNCTION.”

“You’re sure that was an accident?” Eye asked, glaring at the filly.

“Don’t be stupid, of course it wasn’t,” Vex mumbled as she continued tapping at Velvet’s exterior. “Have you considered simply renting a room in a brothel like any normal sailor fresh to port?”

“Brothels are ever so confining and lack the charming company of sophisticates like this gentlebird here,” Eye countered before gazing back into Gustav’s eyes. “Alas, my good tom, I fear we must turn the conversation to more mundane examples of your wares for the moment.”

“But of course, I understand completely.” Gustav clapped his talons together. “Incidentally, how much for the delightful death construct you are traveling with? She seems useful for a variety of purposes.”

Another bullet slammed into the wall above his head.

“Vex!” Jam glared down at her. “Once was understandable, but isn’t that pushing it a bit?”

“That one wasn’t me,” Vex replied, still not looking away from her work.

“THIS UNIT WISHED TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT SHE IS NOT, NOR SHALL EVER BE, FOR SALE.”

“Ah.” Jam switched the target of his glare to Velvet. “Did you have to use that gun, though?”

“THIS UNIT’S CONCEALED WEAPON HAS BEEN FREED AS A FUNCTION. THIS UNIT SEES NO ISSUES WITH USING IT FOR INTENDED PURPOSES.”

Space Jam took two healthy steps away from Velvet.

Gustav, meanwhile, had adjusted his feathers and finally calmed down. “Aha, that is such a pity. I would have much enjoyed the company of a fine weapon such as yourself. I don’t suppose trading-”

“I am not sure how much ammunition she has, but based on Meadowbrook’s principle of magical collapse she could theoretically store enough to level this entire store,” Vex cut in.

“I believe I shall skip immediately to the demonstration of my fine wares!”

“At last, some logic,” Vex muttered.

Eye beckoned to Space Jam. “Come, my darling. We should find something appropriate for you and for me this fine evening! We could even buy a matching set!”

“Why would I need a gun?” Jam asked, his face the picture of utter confusion. “I’m a class-S certified magical combatant and first in my class at creating bullet patterns. It seems to me that relying on a weapon with limited ammunition which I have no training with and could easily backfire on me would be counterproductive.”

“Jam, Jam! You’re thinking too small!” Eye chided as he reached out with a hoof, pulling his fellow unicorn closer. “It’s not about needing a gun, it’s about wanting a gun! The smell of a fresh powder charge! The noise lead makes as it whistles through the air, all but unstoppable!”

“Actually, with sufficient training a competent unicorn caster could probably-”

“And when you hit your target, that crunch as the metal moves through flesh and bone, utterly shredding what harmony has knit together into unusable chunks! Those who survive will feel the scarring for the rest of their life! Ah, what a wonder is a gun!” Eye grabbed a shotgun from the nearest display rack and kissed it passionately.

Vex slipped a bit closer to Jam. “Are you feeling any regret yet?” she whispered.

“Near endless amounts,” he muttered back. “And the worst thing is, I still find him attractive!”

“But of course! Only a fool would find a specimen of beauty such as your friend here unattractive!”

Jam and Vex leaped back, both of their horns blazing with magical energy as they stared at Gustav. “When did you get behind us?” Vex demanded.

“Several moments ago!” Gustav held up a large, ornate weapon. “And in any case, my good sir-”

“Oh please, Gustav… call me Eye,” Eye Lash replied, batting his eyes.

“Well then, Monsieur Eye, may I present to you this most exquisite of my wares? I constructed it myself, and I believe it shall yield results which, based on your proclamation may… interest you.”

Eye examined the gun. “A shotgun?”

“I’ve modified it considerably. Originally it was meant to fire a short-distance burst of ammunition, but thanks to my changes in the barrel and grip, it should now fire a wide-range burst of shot capable of shredding anything within about a ten-foot radius as it spreads outward. For added fun, I suggest using nails instead of standard ammunition. I don’t know why, but they seem to result in more dramatic explosions.”

“...You know this from experience?” Jam asked.

“THIS UNIT DID DETECT SIGNS THAT TESTS OF AMMUNITION HAVE BEEN CONDUCTED ON VARIOUS TARGETS BEHIND THE BUILDING IN THE PAST. IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THIS UNIT’S DISCHARGES EARLIER HAVE ATTRACTED NO ATTENTION.” Velvet mused.

“Aha! I must have hit the right-frontal logic circuit earlier, then!” Vex crowed before leaping back to Velvet’s side and continuing her investigative work. “Brilliant! Fixing you should take me much less time now!”

“THIS UNIT IS GRATEFUL FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, UNIT-VEX. THIS UNIT ALSO REQUESTS YOU AVOID TAPPING THAT PANEL DIRECTLY TO YOUR LEFT, AS IT CONTAINS A FLAMETHROWER.”

“A fully functional flamethrower?” Vex sighed in contentment. “Then Meadowbrook’s principles were applied! Rhinestone’s work is vindicated! Take that, Geode, I knew you were a hack!”

“It’s a pity I’ve likely just voided my seat at the academy. If you had met me earlier I could have helped you publish some of that information through some of my professors,” Jam sighed.

“Non, non! No long faces, pony or not!” Gustav chided. “This is a special occasion! I have found a customer who is my soul mate! We shall drink and celebrate through a special discount on all of these delectable weapons, which I have no doubt you will be taking with you!”

“I’ve decided to name the scattergun Marie-Louise!” Eye cut in, now levitating Gustav’s impractically powerful weapon and two more pistols besides.

The door to the shop burst open. “Thank god, we’re not too late!” Spyglass gasped, skidding to a halt.

“What are the odds of us running into three separate, unrelated incidents of old ladies and mailmares being run over during an escape attempt?” Patch grumbled, following after.

“Well, it’s alright! I’m sure Mr. Lash hasn’t robbed or kidnapped anypony yet,” Spyglass sighed. Then he took in the scene in front of him. Velvet appeared to be shielding Vex, who was currently hugging her foreleg as she hunted around for a safe way to investigate the flamethrower-panel. Space Jam wore an expression of deepest surprise and regret, and was backing away slowly from Eye. Gustav had disappeared behind the counter just in time to emerge with even more weaponry.

“Mr. Lash…” Spyglass brought a hoof to his face. “What in the name of harmony have you gotten yourself into this time?”

“Trouble, I would imagine,” Vex replied. “Are you his superior officer aboard this supposed pirate ship he travels on?”

Spyglass’ expression melted. “Aww! How precocious! You are the most adorable filly I have ever seen in my life!” he leaned down, bringing up a hoof to chuck Vex under the chin. “You know, my cousin has a daughter about your age, and-”

“Touch me and I swear that the last sensation you experience will be searing agony,” Vex interrupted.

“-Ah.” Spgylass backed away. “You’re a bit-”

“Unusually bright for a nine year old? Excessively prone to threats of violence? Yes to both, but circumstances demand the second and I cannot help the first.” Vex drew herself up to her full height which, since it didn’t equal even half of Spyglass’, was rather unimpressive.

Patch and Jam forced themselves to choke back a ‘d’awww’ before looking at each other.

“Aah, Captain, excellent timing! I found us new crew members!” Eye said, gesturing to Jam and Vex.

“You did what?”

The sun was just beginning to lazily make its way towards the west as the the crew gathered at a table in a small, outdoor cafe not far from the airship docks. After several orders were exchanged with the wait staff and a mutual agreement made not to speak of the heavy matters at hand until being served, the group sat in awkward silence. The exception to this rule was Eye Lash, who spent the wait making eyes at the six new firearms he had acquired and stroking his scattergun. To everyone’s vast relief, the previous sentence was not a euphemism.

At last, the first round arrived - several hot drinks, and in Velvet’s case a pint of oil.

Vex stared at the tall glass of viscous liquid, confused. “You shouldn’t actually need to drink that in order to function, Velvet. Oil is a far less efficient fuel source than Sunspot’s solar spiral drive or Love Lace’s eternal recurrence circuit mapping.”

“UNIT-VEX IS CORRECT. THIS UNIT SIMPLY ENJOYS THE TASTE,” Velvet explained before draining the glass. “MMMM. THIS UNIT’S PLEASURE-SENSORS ARE SATISFIED!”

“Didn’t Crystal Geode theorize that fuel made from the remains of long-compressed forests would be capable of powering large scale vehicles more easily and cost-efficiently than producing mystical conversion cells and also less convoluted than an eternal circuit recurrence loop to set up in his rebuttal?” Jam asked, lifting a fresh-brewed cup of tea to his lips.

“Crystal Geode was a hack who denied the applied use of space/time bubble spells in the construction of clockworks which are larger on the inside, and insisted that ancient golem creation spells share no common points with the construction of self-propelled or self-aware automatons of any sort. Rhinestone debunked him years ago,” Vex spat as she attempted to levitate her own teacup and take a victorious sip. The delicate cup shivered slightly in the air as she brought it to her lips, and finally she gave up and grabbed it with her hooves. “How frustrating. Why is levitation of delicate objects so difficult?”

“Meadowbrook’s fourth principle of applied harmonic magics did state that any spell intended to preserve both the identity and structure of a delicate target necessarily requires more concentration and magical energy. You’re nine and probably malnourished. Eat something,” Jam suggested.

Patch and Spyglass looked at each other. “Those were a lot of words which meant things,” Spyglass said as he lifted a cup of thick, black coffee to his lips and took a drink.

“Don’t look at me, I’m part vampire, not part unicorn.” Patch drained a glass of apple juice quickly. “Now that’s the stuff.”

“I understood what they were saying!” Eye piped up, tearing himself away from his weapons for a moment.

“Really?” All five of the table’s other occupants looked at him expectantly.

“Yes! It was something about an academic debate on the importance of lube, right?”

Vex glared at Eye. “Sir, if you never speak again, you will be doing yourself and the world a greater service than I can ever imagine.”

“Ah, but then I would be denying the world my voice and roguish charms! It would be an absolute tragedy, young Vex. When you’re old enough to appreciate it, you’ll understand, I’m sure.” Eye smiled.

“...Are you waggling your eyebrows at me?” Vex asked, scooting her chair back from the table slightly.

“Mr. Lash, I would like to issue a standing order that any member of my crew not make eyes at a nine year old child,” Spyglass sighed.

“That wasn’t making eyes! This is making eyes!” Eye turned his attention to Space Jam, demonstrating the expression in question. “See?”

Jam’s face turned bright red. “...So smoky, yet, so alive…” he murmured as he unconsciously began moving his face closer.

“Food’s here!”

The salad plates had hardly hit the table before Vex had leaped at hers, devouring every inch of locally-grown greens and roasted nut on it in moments. “Velvet, will you be eating yours?”

“THIS UNIT DOES NOT REQUIRE FOOD TO FUNCTION, BUT-”

“Excellent, thank you!”

Within seconds, Velvet’s salad had also disappeared, along with the leftovers on the nearest empty table. Patch stared in surprise. “Kid, did you just eat her salad plate as well?”

“I have spent my entire life fighting for each meal. If you wish to shame me for being hungry, I will gladly shame you for leaving your salad unguarded in order to ask me that question,” Vex replied, turning up her nose.

“Salad ung- damn it,” Patch groaned as he looked down to see that his salad was absent as well.

Spyglass snorted around a mouthful of spinach. “Law of the streets, Mr. Patch. Those who are too slow don’t eat out here in the border towns and ports.”

“That’s terrible, though!” Eye gasped. “If you’re starved, how can you possibly think about sex?”

Vex took another sip of her tea. “I believe that calls for another round of awkward silence. Are we in accord?”

Every occupant of the table except Eye nodded their heads in unison.

“Very good. And three… two… now.”

One very long awkward silence later, Spyglass spoke up. “Right, I believe that’s enough faffing about. Mr. and Miss…”

“Space Jam and Utter Vexation,” Jam supplied.

“Yes, you two. Why in the name of equinity would you willingly follow Eye Lash, and why are you trying to join my crew?”

“I have no family, make my way through life sneaking into the academy’s library and reading books of advanced magic, and you have both food and access to technology that the foremost thinkers of the past and present thought was a distant dream. If you didn’t allow me on your ship, I’d force you to take me on.” Vex took another sip of tea. “Mmm. What is this flavor?”

“Chickory and mint. That looks like a black tea, but it’s actually closer in flavor an herbal blend,” Jam supplied before looking at Spyglass. “As for me, I have no choice. My contract as a student at the academy was terminated today for sure. And since I saved Ms. Vex here from being captured by some griffon, well...”

“Utter brute,” Vex muttered around sips of tea.

“The guard did say that if they saw any of us in town again after today, he’d…” Eye Lash paused, thinking. “Huh. He actually forgot to make any sort of coherent threat. Well, his loss! I would’ve made sure to include one in his position. It provides extra incentives.”

“UNIT-EYE MAINTAINS HIS STATUS AS MOST DANGEROUS PONY AT THE TABLE,” Velvet declared, finishing off her oil. “UNIT-SPYGLASS, MAY I REQUEST ANOTHER SALAD? UNIT-VEX DEVOURED THIS UNIT’S AND THIS UNIT WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO ATTEMPTING TO INGEST IT.”

“Every time you attempt to eat something, one of your gears jams and Telescope has to beat it out of your system!” Spyglass protested.

“THE INGESTION IS WORTH THE PAIN.”

“You’re from the academy?” Patch asked Jam, deftly taking control of the conversation.

“Was.” Jam sighed. “The funny thing is that I didn’t even get kicked out because of Vex. It was because-”

“Oooh, ooh! Is it because of your burning affection for those of your own sex?” Eye suggested.

Jam blanched, moving away from the pink stallion in surprise. “No! What are you even talking about? Most unicorns are bi! You’re a unicorn, you should know this!”

“I am?” Eye looked at himself, confused. “Oh! So I am!”

“IT WILL SAVE EVERY UNIT AT THIS TABLE VALUABLE PROCESSING POWER IF WE MUTUALLY AGREE TO WAIT TO QUESTION THIS UNTIL LATER,” Velvet suggested.

“Good call,” Patch agreed.

Jam sighed. “Why is it that everyone I find attractive turns out to be- no, topic at hand. I was kicked out of the academy because-”

“Whatever the reason is, it is not the one you think.”

Jam nearly fell from his chair in surprise. “You?”

The occupants of the nearest table to the group rose, throwing off dramatic hooded cloaks. “Yes, us,” Skuld replied.

“We have a message of dire importance for all of you,” Urd continued.

“From this moment forward…”

The three spoke in unison. “You are all bearers of a strange fate.”

Spyglass shuddered. “Will all of you please explain? You can’t possibly leave us on that note-”