The Fumble

“Captain’s log: Date rather unimportant at this point. After it was announced that we would be changing course to take on fresh supplies rather than attempt to fly non-stop to the coasts of Zebrica, we flew directly into a very stubborn fog bank, carried by the Weird Winds. I can only presume that the ‘weirdness’ of these magical storms is what carried a fog bank above the clouds in the first place. I have spoken to both Captain Spyglass and the esteemed Mr. Patch, and confirmed that navigation through this hazard will be difficult but not impossible, but that I should stay inside until a landing is confirmed, as - to quote them - ‘Trust us, you do not want to see what Eye Lash is trying to do with himself in all this fog.’ I concur with their judgments, and thus I have cloistered myself in my cabin for the moment. It has fortunately given me ample time to work on Cerise Velvet’s internal systems and malfunctions, including discovering her advanced note-taking capabilities…. aaaaand, stop.” Vex turned to the clockwork unicorn seated beside her. “How about it? Was it successful?”

“THIS UNIT-”

Vex coughed. “Velvet…”

“Pardon. Adjusting down.” Velvet’s entire body rattled. Now that her voice had been lowered in volume, it was easier to distinguish. It was husky and a bit rough for a mare, but still pleasant particularly in comparison to the decibel level it had previously been stuck at. “Thank you for adjusting the vocal malfunction, Unit-Vex. This unit is more than grateful. Maximum volume for all vocalizations causes involuntary lapses in discretion.”

“I am going to pretend you were referring to something other than Eye Lash with that statement,” Vex groaned, lifting her notes. Her magical aura was still unsteady as she balanced the massive sheaf of paper, but over the last few days it had quite improved. The pale white glow of her aura seemed to grow more opaque each day. “Are the notes recorded?”

“So far as this unit is capable of, Unit-Vex. Now initiating verbal playback for confirmation.” Velvet’s mouth swung open, and the sound of gears clicking inside her body echoed through the cabin. After a few seconds of this, a new voice began to issue from her throat. “Captain’s Log: Date rather unimportant at this point…”

“That’s enough, Velvet. Good work!”

Velvet’s mouth snapped shut, and her head shunted to the side a bit too quickly for comfort before returning to its natural position. “This unit assures you that you are welcome, Unit-Vex.”

Vex placed her notes back on her desk after making one more scribble, holding the quill in her mouth to steady it. “Fantastic,” she mused, before motioning to the door. “Thank you for your cooperation, Velvet. I should have more information on what we can divine about the workings of your memory bank in time.”

“Query, Unit-Vex.”

“Yes, Velvet?” Vex asked, pausing as she prepared to sort through her notes again.

“This unit has observed that of late, you are deliberately attempting to withhold information on this unit’s internal workings from her. In fact, after discovering this unit is capable of reproducing your notes, you have deliberately kept them from this unit’s field of vision at all times. You are troubled by something, Unit-Vex. What is it? This unit’s relationship with Unit-Eye?”

Vex froze in her chair, then shook her head. “Your pattern recognition systems are malfunctioning, Velvet. I am withholding absolutely no information from you, and even if I were it would certainly have nothing to do with that ball of depravity and filth wrapped in a horse-skin you hold so much affection for. I doubt he would be able to comprehend half the notes I’ve taken on you.”

“This unit’s pattern recognition systems have been operating at 100% of their original capacity since Unit-Vex inadvertently realigned this unit’s right and left frontal logic circuits while attempting to examine the access terminal.”

Vex’s entire body stiffened. “Velvet, I am sorry. You will have to trust me for now. All I can tell you is that we have nothing immediate to worry about, and that I promise to continue to do my best to unravel the mysteries inside of you and repair what you’ve lost.”

Velvet nodded slowly. “This unit comprehends.” She moved to the door, her steps slightly less jittery than normal, and paused once more. “Unit-Vex, this unit has one more piece of instruction to relay. Unit-Spyglass ordered the crew of the Iris to prepare to make anchor within the next hour. We are approaching Trottingham.”

“Thank you, Velvet,” Vex called as the android left the Vexation’s cabin. Once she was alone, Vex slumped over into her chair, staring at her notes again. “Stars or no stars, this is absolutely insane,” she grumbled. “Velvet isn’t usually this sharp for one thing, and I’m not sure how on earth my repairs to the volume circuit could possibly have repaired her logic circuits as well. They shouldn’t even be located in that panel, according to contemporary models! It’s almost as if—”

She paused, looking down at her sketches of Velvet’s inner workings. Slowly, she picked up the one with the access terminal. “—as if everything is falling into place on its own.”

Before she could really begin to ruminate, a knock sounded at the door. Vex grimaced. “It’s not locked!”

Patch slipped in, shaking his coat to expel some excess moisture from the fogbank. “Vex?”

“Technically when you’re on this ship, you should probably address me as ‘Captain’ Vex,” she pointed out, hastily stowing away her notes.

“Ha-ha. You may be the pilot of this thing, but you’re also a nine year old, shrimp. You’re lucky I don’t call you ‘kiddo’,” Patch fired back, grinning.

“I could probably end your life where you stand using the technology aboard this ship.”

“And you wouldn’t, because you’re not a sociopathic crazy mare.”

“True. I suppose that title mostly belongs to the esteemed Mr. Lash.” Vex sighed. “Attempts at banter aside, I trust that this has something to do with our arrival in Trottingham if you’re here to see me? Or have you taken an interest in arcane engineering after all?”

“Not my thing. That’s for eggheads like you and Space Jam. Only thing I need to know how to work is a good gasbag and sail.” Patch pointed towards the cabin door. “Anyway, you’re right about this being a Trottingham thing. Spyglass sent me over to pick you up. Apparently he has something he wants every unicorn in the crew to hear.”

“That is both awfully specific and means spending time in a room with Eye Lash.” Vex sighed. “More and more I’m beginning to describe to the theory of nominative destiny.”

Patch blinked in surprise and confusion, raising his eyepatch in order to convey the full effect. “You think frustrating things happen to you because you’re named ‘Vexation’?”

“No, no, I named myself that because I anticipated events of this sort happening to me. I think the misfortune all comes from what my mother picked out.” Vex stuck her tongue out in disgust.

“What is it with you and the name ‘Safflower’?” Patch asked as the two headed out onto the Vexation’s deck, a haze of white fog enveloping them.

“If I told you I doubt you’d believe me.”

“Try me. I’m part vampire by marriage.”

“...What?”

“Thank you all for gathering here on such short notice. We’ll be making landfall in Trottingham soon, and I’ve realized I forgot to inform you all of something,” Spyglass announced.

“That being?” Jam asked from his seat. The ponies had gathered around the largest table available to them with some degree of privacy, which had turned out to be the Tomcat’s officer’s table. A curtain had been drawn around the four unicorns, Spyglass, and Patch, and the soundproofing spell Jam had cast on it left the group in a position where, at bare minimum, they wouldn’t easily be interrupted.

That is, from outside.

“Ooh, captain! It has been ever so long since you’ve taken us aside for a private chat like this- not since Tradewinds, I believe! Are we going to discuss your sudden urge for romance? Plans to conquer Trottingham? That weird twitching thing you do as you become increasingly frustrated?” Eye asked, firing each question off as part of a non-stop barrage.

“I do not twitch when I become frustrated!” Spyglass snapped, twitching slightly as he did so.

“Mmmhmm.” Eye Lash leaned back, flashing a smug grin at Spyglass. “Do tell us all about the reason for this little get-together then, Captain.”

With one last glare and twitch in Eye’s direction, Spyglass sighed and settled himself. “As I was saying before Mr. Lash’s rude and completely inane interruption-”

“I thought it added a degree of levity!”

:”Mr. Lash, you are an idiot and even those of us who like you care very little about what you say most of the time.”

Eye gasped in horror, turning to Velvet. “My love, is it true?”

Velvet said nothing.

“My life is ruined!” Eye collapsed dramatically in his chair. “Woe is me! How can I rule the world if my stunning charisma is not enough to convince my own followers to pay heed to my words?”

“You’re screwing with me on purpose, aren’t you, Mr. Lash?” Spyglass groaned.

“Oh, you did notice!” Eye leaped back to his hooves, grinning. “Jam, that’s five bits you owe me later, dear.”

Spyglass’ howl was heard for three leagues.

When all had finally settled again, Spyglass gestured to those seated at the table. “If we’re all quite ready now?”

“As ready as these featherbrains will ever be, Captain,” Patch groused from his seat.

“That will have to do, then.” Spyglass raised his wings and gestured to the others. “The long and short of what I need to tell you is very simple: Trottingham is literally full of shit. You probably shouldn’t go into the city.”

“We were already informed of that, Captain.” Vex shook her head, annoyed. “Is this really a more productive use of my time than continuing my studies aboard our flagship?”

“I never agreed to make the Vexation a flagship!” Spyglass snapped back, before biting his lip. “Actually- wait, no, you’re entirely right. I should disclose the specifics of things. I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that you four are actually intelligent enough to keep pace with complicated concepts.”

Patch coughed, pointing to Eye with a wing.

“Most of you, anyway,” Spyglass amended, smiling at his subordinate. “The reason I feel you four specifically should avoid exploring more than perhaps the area immediately around the harbor in Trottingham is that the city has a bit of a problem with… well. Let’s just say some of the pegasi are a bit peculiar. Stuck in the old pre-Hearth’s-Warming days, shall we say? Behind the times? A bit-”

“There’s a district you’re visiting full of racist pegasus ponies,” Vex translated bluntly.

“That.” Spyglass nodded.

“A mostly ridiculous claim given that a stable, ground-dwelling city is unlikely to have a large native pegasus population anyway, and which I suspect was actually designed to prevent us from placing you under scrutiny as you head into a sensitive, potentially dangerous situation. Likely with the criminal underworld given Trottingham’s propensity to attract equine scum,” Vex continued.

Spyglass made a sound like a deflating balloon and slid under the table in shock.

Jam coughed. “Is anyone going to acknowledge the fact that somepony let the air out of the Captain?”

“We’re used to it by now,” Patch admitted, shrugging his wings. “I told him he should’ve just let you all know everything. After all, it’s difficult to stop Eye Lash from going where he wants to.”

“Right you are, my good creature of the night!”’ Eye piped up. “There is nothing in the world I cannot penetrate, given a chance!” He waggled his eyebrows. “Do you get it? Penetrate? Because, you see-”

“This Unit only somewhat appreciates the inherent humor, Unit-Eye,” Velvet droned.

“Stop. Just stop.” Vex raised her right forehoof to her brow and massaged her forehead. “Please.”

“It’s funny because penis,” Eye muttered, crossing his forehooves and turning away from the rest of the group. “Philistines.”

“He says that sometimes. I’m still not sure what it means,” Jam said apologetically.

“Nor should we dwell on it. Captain Spyglass, when you have pulled yourself together, I’d like you to present a full debriefing on what you plan to do while we’re at port, and what we can do to specifically assist you. I may be a child, but treating me like one will only sour our working relationship.” Vex tossed her head indignantly.

“This Unit believes those of us who are still conscious would like permission to ‘d’aww’ for a moment, Unit-Vex.”

“Permission granted, Velvet.”

One chorus of “d’aww” later, Spyglass managed to pull himself together, emerging from beneath the table. “I’ve decided I dislike all of you,” he grunted as he dusted his body off. “Also, I must really get somepony to sweep under there. Like the cabin boy I was supposed to have taken on.”

Eye simply whistled and polished the four-barreled pistol he had captured aboard the Tomcat.

“...Or anyone else, they work too I suppose,” Spyglass amended hastily.

“Captain Spyglass, as much as some small part of me enjoys watching your pain I really must insist you come clean on the real reason you want the rest of us to limit our involvement in Trottingham,” Vex interjected.

The captain sighed, seating himself at the table once more. “Very well, then. I suppose it was abject foolishness to try to dance around the issue without a suitable cover story anyway.” He took a deep breath. “The stallion I’m going to meet with when we anchor in Trottingham is somepony I’ve known almost since the beginning of my career. Over the years, I’ve developed a relationship of trust and discretion with him. He passes on information to me, and I make sure that this information goes nowhere else without his explicit permission.”

“He sounds like the world’s most exclusive pimp,” Eye interrupted. “I don’t suppose you could put a good word in about my own level of discretion, Captain?”

“In a word, Mr. Lash, no. In several worlds: No, never, not a chance, over my fetid corpse, supremely impossible, absolutely never, stop dreaming, not going to happen, and- quoting the single greatest lines ever written by Shaken Spear during the patronage of his performances by Princess Celestia herself- ‘Fuck No.’” Spyglass glared out of his one good eye at the unfortunate unicorn. “Your lack of the aforesaid quality is, in fact, the very reason I intend to limit the number of ponies who even approach this broker to myself and Mr. Patch.”

“Shaken Spear wrote that last bit?” Jam asked, appearing genuinely puzzled for a moment.

“The Merchant of Tradewinds, Act III, Scene IV,” Velvet answered. “It’s considered the first use of low diction in a performance intended to be viewed by members of the noble class, and thus one of the first avant-garde performances of theater brought to Canterlot. Apocryphal tradition tells of the Princess applauding the line so hard that it drowned out the booing of several nobles and saved the performance from ruin, though some scholars dispute this and attribute it to the ancestor of the current Duchess Blueblood.” She twitched a bit after delivering the speech. “Unit-Vex, it appears that This Unit’s ‘pointless trivia recall’ functions have also been restored.”

“Who in Equus would give an android a pointless trivia function?” Jam asked, somewhat aghast.

“Apparently whichever Unit is responsible for This Unit’s construction, Unit-Jam.”

Spyglass coughed. “Are you all beginning to see now why I’m imploring you to stay away from my meeting? One slip in front of the broker, one slight indiscretion, and a working relationship built over the last decade and a half is shot.” He paused for a moment, considering something. “Actually, when Mr. Lash is brought into the equation, that might be a literal outcome.”

“So what are your plans for the rest of the crew, Captain? You mentioned only bringing Patch with you, so clearly we’re not the only ones you didn’t want present for this little get-together of yours,” Vex jumped in before Eye Lash could retort.

“They know better at this point.” Spyglass’ voice was uncharacteristically cold. Nobody pressed further.

“Don’t worry, Captain Spyglass. I can personally promise that not a single one of us will do anything that could remotely endanger your meeting,” Eye Lash practically purred.

Spyglass fell under the table for the second time.

“Oh, that was so worth it.”

“So remind me again why you and I are strolling down the streets of Trottingham in absolute defiance of what you told Captain Spyglass not two hours ago?” Jam asked as he and Eye Lash strolled through the fetid squalor of Trottingham’s residential district. His hoof squelched into a puddle that was mostly water. Mostly. He yanked it out with a shudder, casting a quick charm of cleansing to scour the filth from his coat. It was the fifth time he had repeated this gesture in as many minutes.

“Simple, my good consort! I promised not to interfere with the Captain’s meeting- and indeed I will not. But I never promised to directly overpower the crewmember covertly set to watch my actions, leap dramatically over the side of the ship with you in tow, create a barrier spell to stop us from splatting against the ground on impact, and whisk you away on a whirlwind adventure to the nearest location selling spirits and populist entertainment for an afternoon of fun and debauchery!” Eye crowed.

“None of that happened. You asked me if I fancied a drink and I said yes because you were doing something very distracting with your hips. Then you dragged me down the gangplank and into the street,” Jam complained.

“Well no, none of that happened in the most literal sense of the term, but it makes for a far more exciting story doesn’t it?” Eye asked, unperturbed. “Oh, Jam, darling, I suggest you leap about twenty-five centimeters to the left after your next two steps.”

“What-”

Eye leaped deftly out of the path of an oncoming river of filth as a pony emptied her chamber pot from a row-house window. Jam could only stare in shock and horror as a stream of the vilest substances he could imagined poured down upon him. His fight or flight instincts kicked into high gear, and his combat training from the academy surfaced. The cobblestones beneath his feet cracked as a magical surge rocked through them.

The torrent of waste hissed as it impacted the surface of a bright blue shield spell and was vaporized. Jam released the spell moments later, shaking his head as he began to nurse a small headache. “Couldn’t you have just warned me that somepony was about to empty their bowels onto my head?”

“I did,” Eye Lash chortled before moving in and, before Jam was quite prepared, pecking him on the lips. “Oh come now, my dear, you’re being entirely too stuffy about this whole adventure. Look! Yonder stands the nearest public house, and within it are unparalleled delights and excitements! Why, I can just feel it- even more than I felt destiny’s tug when we first met!” He practically bounced away, leaving Jam to trail behind, still nursing his aching horn.

When the haze of the kiss coupled with the backlash from using far too much concentrated power in his spell faded, Jam frowned. Something about what Eye had said bothered him. Something obvious. What was it?

He shook himself out of his reverie and cantered after the pink-coated unicorn as quickly as he could. For now, his only job was to make sure that devil of a stallion didn’t massacre half the city on a lark.

He prayed that Velvet and Vex would follow along soon.

“I’m surprised you two didn’t tag along with Eye Lash and his boyfriend,” Spyglass said as he pored through the contents of his saddlebags, barely acknowledging Vex and Velvet’s presence behind him. “Vex, you’ve been attached at the hip to Velvet for days now. And Velvet, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you without Eye Lash where you haven’t been undergoing maintenance.”

“This Unit does not require Unit-Eye’s immediate presence to function, Unit-Spyglass.” Velvet bristled- or well, twitched mechanically in a fashion that might be compared to bristling. “Besides, This Unit made sure to affix a tracking spell to Unit-Eye long before this point.”

“I’m not sure whether to congratulate you on your increased maturity or be frightened you bothered to do that,” Spyglass admitted as he closed his saddlebags and hefted them into place.

“A little of both seems appropriate,” Vex spoke up, leaping onto Velvet’s back and then onto the android’s head in order to put herself closer to Spyglass’ eye level. “You timed this quite well, I notice, Captain. Letting Eye Lash leave all but guarantees he’ll find some sort of amusement to deal with all on his own, and leaves you free to pursue your friend the broker with minimal risk of entanglement in his shenanigans.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Miss Vex,” Spyglass huffed. “It was a happy accident, I assure you.”

“Hiding your intelligence does not behoove you, Captain. I gave up on that quite some time ago.” Vex motioned to Velvet, and the android leaned in closer, bringing Vex close to Spyglass’ ear. “Are we being listened in on by anypony that you know of?”

“Nopony that I would care about,” Spyglass muttered back. “Is this something of importance?”

“I broke the code we found aboard the Utter Vexation while you were under the table that second time.” Vex produced a small slip of paper, passing it to Spyglass. “I suggest memorizing this phrase and destroying the note in order to ensure a minimal risk of information leakage.”

Spyglass muttered to himself as he read the note’s contents. “The Eclipse is coming for the Sun… alert our brothers in Trottingham?”

“That’s what it says. I did find an alternative cipher, but the results if you run the message in that one are a mixture of nonsense syllables and the Old Equish words for ‘improve yourself’ written three times.” Vex frowned. “Actually now that I give the matter some thought, I really should’ve looked into that second one more. It’s a mathematical impossibility that the cipher have such a specific alternate solution unless some meaning was intended on the part of its creators. Well no, not an impossible. Just an extreme…”

She trailed off, her expression growing vacant.

“Unit-Vex, Unit-Spyglass is still present.”

“Ah, right.” Vex hopped to attention at Velvet’s gentle reminder. “In any case, there you have it. It’s a rather flimsy code if it ties into what I’m expecting you’ll hear from your broker, but I suggest showing this to him at your earliest convenience during your normal course of business.”

“I’m obliged.” Spyglass chomped the note down and swallowed it, making sure to chew it thoroughly. “I would be even more obliged if the two of you would go and-”

“We already planned to tail Jam and Eye Lash and ensure they cause a minimum of chaos,” Vex replied. “Not that anything they do should matter terribly. Trottingham is a notoriously lax zone given the royal guard barely visits and by all accounts the officials running the city are too corrupt to care much about the law when they aren’t being specifically bribed to. Eye could probably commit serial murder in a tavern and get away with it here.”

“This Unit still believes it is preferable to avoid the mess it would cause. Physically cleaning up Unit-Eye’s victims is a time-consuming process,” Velvet chimed in as she and Vex exited the cabin.

Patch emerged from the shadows of the room the moment the two were gone, shaking out his feathers. “That was more difficult than it looked. On the bright side, I’ve apparently got the hang of it.”

“Mr. Patch, it seems our journey to this den of refuse and villainy will not be an utter waste.” Spyglass motioned towards the door. “Stay close to me as we fly. My contact’s bodyguards generally have orders to shoot on sight, but they know me by now. Or at least, the last group did.”

“Comforting.”

Space Jam hadn’t been sure what to expect of a Trottingham tavern, having spent most of his life in Canterlot and Tradewinds. His knowledge of bars was mostly colored by those frequented by academics- loud, raucous, and full of half-drunken unicorns chatting amiably about how they had modified basic transmutation spells to enhance their sexual prowess. On occasion, he’d even been one of those half-drunken unicorns. Whatever he’d expected, though, what was in front of his eyes now pushed all those memories from his mind.

The first thing to hit him was the smell. Tradewinds was a popular trading destination and close enough to a few tropical locations that rum flowed freely, but the academics preferred gin and tonic. Scent-purifying charms were cast over a Tradewinds bar each day to make it less onerous. Trottingham’s relatively low population of trained mages meant no such precautions were in place here. The overpowering smell of fecal matter from the streets outside was something Jam had become almost desensitized to by this point, but here it mingled with old piss and the smell of hours-old vomit in a corner. Shards of glass littered the floor, ponies crushing them underhoof without a second thought. Two drunks who would have been escorted home by the city guard anywhere else were flailing about the room, begging for cash from any patron who would give them an ear. Most ponies ignored them, until finally a particularly annoyed earth pony mare smashed their heads into a table. Even this went overlooked.

The walls hadn’t been scrubbed in at least two decades. A fine film of mold grew from them. At least, Jam hoped it was only mold. Cleaning was clearly a low priority for the owner. And moderating the behavior of patrons as well, apparently. He cast an eye about, trying to pick the owner of the establishment out of the crowd. One pony sat behind the bar, cleaning a glass which only seemed to get murkier as he rubbed a rag across it. Two waiters, both heavily scarred earth ponies wearing single earrings, served drinks on the floor. The only other employee of the establishment- and it was debatable if he actually worked there- was a young pegasus stallion playing an out-of-tune accordion in a corner as nearby patrons belted out the words to an old drinking song.

Most ponies experienced regret as a stinging, lingering feeling that hovered around the edge of their consciousness and darted in at opportune moments, flaring up like pain from an old wound. For Space Jam, regret behaved somewhat more like a tidal wave. It came suddenly, buried every other thought, and left him a hopeless wreck in its wake.

And the center of the tavern. By Celestia’s grace, the center.

He’d heard that in cities not directly administered by the crown, some shady things went down. He’d expected some kind of base entertainment. Bare-hoofed scrattering perhaps. Gambling. Knowing Eye Lash, a secret whorehouse or arms dealer or arms-dealing whorehouse would have been entirely plausible as a possibility. He had not expected to see what was apparently somepony’s sick idea of a freak show. A burly donkey had been placed in the center, where patrons threw coins and nuts at him and laughed as he scrambled for them. A heavy stake was driven into the ground, and an iron chain ran from it to the donkey’s throat. Jam could see brands and scars that spoke of physical abuse scored into the captive’s coat. Next to him and also tied by heavy chains to a stake, some kind of creature Jam had never seen was curled in a defensive crouch as she dodged her head from side to side, avoiding bottles and glasses thrown at her.

It was almost too much for the academic. He felt his stomach churn and flip, and was grateful he hadn’t yet eaten.

He looked at Eye. Surely, even with his peculiar sensibilities, Eye Lash couldn’t be unmoved by the scene in front of him.

What he saw made Jam’s blood nearly turn to ice in his veins.

Eye Lash was laughing.

It wasn’t laughter born of derision, or the laughter of a pony who had been pushed past their limits and could only laugh at the horror of their situation. Eye Lash was laughing because he was amused. Because somehow in this squalor, even seeing what had been done to those two creatures, Eye Lash found the entire concept of what he was watching amusing.

There was a point where physical attraction could numb Space Jam to his cohort’s nature. That point had been passed.

Eye Lash blinked in surprise as he sprawled across the floor, blood leaking from his lip. Jam stared at his own forehoof in disgust for a moment before casting his cleansing charm, cleaning away the residue of his assault. “What kind of monster are you?” he growled to Eye, magical aura beginning to gather around him.

“Ooh, are we playing this sort of game now? It’s so refreshing to see you take the lead for once, darling.” Eye pulled himself to his feet, working his jaw a few times to make sure it wasn’t broken. “Although next time, could you hit me in a slightly less vulnerable spot? If you had broken my jaw with that strike, it would be rather hard for me to service you in certain ways.”

Jam paid no attention to the unicorn in front of him. Instead, he grabbed a chair in his magic and slammed it against the ground hard enough to splinter it into pieces. As he predicted, nopony paid the least attention to him. “How can you laugh at this?” he roared, gesturing to the bar with a chair leg he now wielded as a makeshift club. “How, by the seasons, could you possibly see something this- this evil and find it funny?”

Eye Lash blinked again and slowly assumed a less provocative position. His tail, which had been raised high, flagged. Even his mane seemed to deflate slightly. “Darling, I don’t know what you mean. What’s wrong about laughing at this?”

Jam opened his mouth to reply, but then paused. His breathing grew sharp and he dropped his weapon. “You’re joking.”

“No, my dear. I can’t help but notice I’ve done something that has upset you. I do rather try to avoid upsetting my lovers if I can help it, you know.” Eye smiled. “Please explain. Pretty please?”

“I can’t believe this,” Jam muttered, half to himself. He responded to the other unicorn’s question in a slightly louder register. “Eye, you can’t possibly ignore this. Look at them!” he picked up his club again, gesturing to the captives in the center of the tavern. “Bear-baiting is base cruelty at the worst of times, but those are creatures who have intelligence and wisdom on the same level as ponykind! Only an absolute monster could find what’s happening to them anything less than an expression of evil in its vilest form.”

Eye Lash tried to parse this information, then shook his head. “I’m afraid I still don’t entirely understand why cruelty is ‘evil’. I’m sure you’ll have time to tell me later.”

Slowly, a new realization began to wash away Jam’s rage. He began to see the stallion in front of him for the first time. “Eye, you have no idea what good and evil really are, do you?”

In a way, Jam realized, it almost made sense that the stallion in front of him lacked a Cutie Mark. It was like hearing the myths of the First Ponies all over again from his professor of philosophy. ‘And at the beginning, Equinity was separate from Nature, but we did not yet understand the moral sense given to us by Harmony to set us apart. And so all did what was right in their own eyes.’

“They’re difficult to understand, but it’s no matter. The universe is easy to follow if you just remember that the real choice is between boredom and excitement.” Eye smiled at Jam, blood still leaking from his lip in a faint trickle. “But darling, I think you’ve misunderstood me. I’m not laughing because those two are being toyed with by the ponies here. I’m laughing because I looked at that curious creature and got the feeling that something unbearably exciting is going to happen any moment now.”

Before Jam could really register exactly how worried those words should make him, the door to the tavern burst open. An earth pony filly, maybe only a year or two older than Vex, barreled through the doorway at a speed which would’ve made a champion sprinter envious. “Heeeeeeelllllllppp!” she screamed before launching herself into the air and landing dramatically at Space Jam’s feet. “Somepony help me!”

Space Jam’s protective instincts kicked in before anything else, and he instinctively raised a bubble around himself and the filly. Through its translucent surface he saw Eye covertly reaching for one of his many weapons, a grin on the pink stallion’s face. Well, whatever was coming for this child, it wouldn’t enjoy its welcome. Jam reached down, placing a brotherly hoof on the filly’s shoulder. “Calm down, young lady, it’s alright. We’ll help you.”

“It’s terrible!” the filly sobbed, clinging to Space Jam’s forelegs. “I’ve been forced into an arranged marriage with Stormy Weather! If he and his goons catch up to me, it’s all over, and I have no money to pay him back what my parents owe! Please help me, Mister Noble! You can cover it, I’m sure!”

Jam frowned at her words. “I’m not a noble.”

“You aren’t? But only nobles walk through Trottingham and stay as clean as you!” The filly frowned. “Well, you’re still probably super-rich, right?”

“Not even remotely.” Space Jam kept his eyes fixed on the door. He could hear the sounds of an approaching group of pursuers.

“O-oh.” There was terror in the filly’s voice, but Jam sensed something underneath it- disappointment. “Well, um, what are you then, mister?”

Eye Lash grinned, speaking up for the first time just as a group of muscular pegasi slammed their way into the tavern, lead by a snow-white stallion whose cutie mark appeared to be a sledgehammer striking a cloud. “Well that’s easy, my young friend. The two of us are sky pirates.”

Before the leader of the pegasi could get out a single word, Eye had fired off a shot from his pistol that clipped through the stallion’s right ear. The pegasus screamed in pain, clapping a hoof to the side of his head.

The filly let go of Jam’s legs and backed away, bumping into the surface of his bubble shield. “Aw, nuts,” she muttered.

“I immediately regret my decision to venture into Trottingham personally. Still, I suppose with Jam taking point, it was unavoidable. I really don’t trust the rest of the crew with looking out for you, Velvet.”

Velvet made a small, tinny “hmph”-ing noise. “Unit-Vex, This Unit assures you that she is capable of self-preservation.”

Vex sat astride Velvet’s back as the two made their way through the streets of Trottingham’s market district. Somewhat removed from the river and definitely removed from the residential district where most waste-disposal took place and where the cesspits had been dug, the market district was far less disgusting. Still, there was a certain level of sleaziness about it that reminded Vex uncomfortably of the kind of back alleyways she had sometimes slept in on warm nights in Tradewinds- complete with the occasional salt dealer masquerading as a food stand.

Vex patted Velvet gently. “Of course you’re capable of protecting yourself. I’m more worried about self-maintenance. Besides, I’m not going to let my favorite android wander off into a big city where she might be set upon by rival scientists and tinkerers before I’m done fixing her.”

“This Unit appreciates your sentiment, Unit-Vex. However, your attempt at evasion is still transparent. You have yet to give sufficient response to This Unit’s earlier query about your notes.”

Vex stiffened. “That’s unimportant, Velvet.”

“This Unit is fully capable of judging the importance of the information thanks to your repairs, Unit-Vex. Please.”

Vex felt her head begin to ache. Could she say it? Could she actually tell Velvet what she had begun to suspect, what was becoming more and more likely each time she reviewed the notes she had taken? If she said something and Velvet grew unstable, it could be disastrous. But keeping things secret might be its own poison. The longer she went without saying anything either way, the more suspicious Velvet became. For perhaps the first time in her life, Vex found herself unable to come up with a satisfying potential answer.

“To Admiral Cerise, boys!”

“For the Admiral and for the Prize!”

The world seemed to freeze. Time had stopped moving. Vex felt her breath catch in her lungs. “Impossible.”

The ponies in front of her were dressed in uniforms marking them as sailors for some sort of navy, though for a private fleet rather than the crown itself. Four pegasi. Two unicorns. All were stallions somewhere between adolescence and adulthood. One was young enough that Vex could see pimples still dotting his forehead. The four were laughing raucously as they passed around what appeared to be a two-handled mug brimming with foul-smelling grog. On the lapels of their sea-green jackets, Vex saw a small pin. It wasn’t uncommon, she remembered from her days watching ponies at the docks while her father helped build the ships they would fly in, for sailors of a private fleet to wear pins in the shape of their commander’s cutie mark. These six were no different.

However, what she saw was something that should’ve been absolutely impossible. There was no way those six should be wearing a pin shaped like Velvet’s cutie mark.

Absolutely no way.

“Unit-Vex, This Unit detects that your heart rate has increased. Please state whether you require This Unit’s assistance.”

Vex couldn’t respond. Her mind was moving at millions of miles a second. Nothing about this scenario made sense. Nothing. Even her wildest dreams of who the artificer was hadn’t lead her to this as a possibility.

The youngest member of the group spotted Velvet. “Hey, isn’t that-?”

The other focused their attention, and all of hell broke loose.

“The mechanical impostor!”

“The hell’s she doing here?”

“That means the rest of the bastards are here too!”

“Everypony back to the docks, we have to inform the admiral now!”

The six turned to run back towards Trottingham’s harbor. Vex found her voice. “Velvet, don’t let them get away.”

“Query, Unit-Vex. Why are we in danger from them?”

“I can’t understand everything that’s happening, but I suspect those ponies to be members of a noble’s private fleet. If they report back to their commanding officer, it may not go well for us. For the sake of Captain Spyglass and his crew, we can’t allow that to happen.”

“Unit-Vex, This Unit requests direct verbal authorization to use deadly force in this crowded area if necessary.”

The pegasi were beginning to take wing. There was no time left to decide.

“Don’t hold back. Search and destroy, Velvet. Search and destroy!”

The tavern buzzed as ponies began to stand up, tearing their attention away from the accordion player and the captives at the center to watch the stand-off which had now formed.

Space Jam had lowered his protective bubble, not wanting to use the energy required to keep it up consistently, but was ready to cast it again at a moment’s notice. For now it seemed as if he’d have very little need to. Eye Lash had trained his weapon on the group of thugs, and none seemed ready to make the first move. Their leader was howling in pain as he nursed his wound. “The fuck? You shot me! You shot me in the ear!” he bellowd at Eye, “Who does that shit?”

“Well, it was either that or shoot you somewhere far more sensitive. My darling Space Jam here might have been splattered with blood or brain matter if I had actually shot your head, and I’ve just been informed that pointless cruelty is evil.” Eye licked the barrel of a second pistol seductively before leveling it. “Of course, in the words of the great goat philosopher Aries McPherson, ‘you have to be cruel to be kind.’”

“Aries McPherson was the Tyrant of Colchis. You’re thinking Aries Two-Fannies, who took revenge on his parents for giving him such a ridiculous name by writing satires,” the blue filly muttered. “Didja never study history, ya big palooka?”

Jam blinked. Something about this entire scenario was beginning to become suspect.

The injured pegasus stepped forward. “Look, wise guy, you can’t shoot every one of us down. Give us the girl or give us the bits, or otherwise you’re gonna be sleepin’ in a bed of shit at the bottom of a cesspool!” His cohorts nodded in agreement.

The blue filly licked her lips slowly and looked at the pegasus. “Look, Mick-”

“My name’s not Mick!”

“Yeah, whatever.” She sighed. “Look, I told you this was gonna be an easy ten thousand bits, maybe more, but that was before we knew this poncey guy here was some kind of high-flyin’ sky pirate and not a noble. Time to cut our losses and hightail it.”

“Cut our losses?” The injured pegasus held up a bloodstained hoof. “He shot my ear! He ain’t gonna do that and get away with it!”

“Look, you big galoot, I’ve just about had it with all of you two-bit muscleheads!” The blue filly stamped her hooves in frustration. “If you don’t back yourselves down, I ain’t gonna cry over your funerals. Is that crystal clear?”

“You ain’t my boss, Smooth Talk!”

“Funny, Mick, that’s not what you said when I told you I’d split things sixty-forty with you lot if we could pull this scheme off. Ain’t my problem if you don’t have enough brains to realize when it’s time to fold.” Smooth Talk backed away, nodding to Eye Lash.

Jam glared down at her with a mixture of fascination and horror .”Did you just try to con us?”

“Could be worse. Could’ve tried to slit your throats while you were walkin’ down the street. I think lettin’ you all think you were big heroes was a downright friendly plan by comparison, don’t you?” Smooth Talk held out a hoof. “Name’s Smooth Talk. I’m the brains of this here operation. Or I was until the big genius up there decided he’d rather get himself shot than listen to me.”

“You little shit, Smooth Talk! You said this was gonna be easy! Like taking candy from a baby!” The pegasus was still making his way slowly towards the trio. His friends, unsure of what to do, had now begun to encircle them as well. What had been simulated danger before was rapidly turning genuine.

“Eh, whatever ya say, Mick. I told you he was a poncey nobleman, too, and he’d melt. I was half-right. Now you? You’re about to be a hundred percent wrong. You take one step toward these two, and they’re probably gonna kill or mutilate you.” Smooth Talk looked at one of her hooves idly as she spoke, examining it to see if her earlier stamping had chipped it at all. “You muscleheads are incapable of seein’ when your ability to make threats ain’t gonna cut it.”

That was enough. The lead pegasus lunged at Eye Lash with a scream of anger.

Eye smiled and pulled the trigger. The gunshot echoed through the room.

The pegasus collapsed to the ground, screaming, hooves held around his sheath. Blood streamed across the floor.

“As all of you can see,” Eye announced, projecting his voice as much as he could, “I have shot this gentlepony in his dick. In all fairness, I did warn him that the next bullet would be more painful. If any of you wish to visit further harm on my person or any of my companions, I will happily render you the same service. Or if you’re into that, trust me, I don’t judge.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

As the ponies of the bar erupted into murmurs and the pegasus’s cohorts bunched to attack, Space Jam saw his opportunity. After such a display, no living pony would attempt to rush Eye Lash head-on right away even if they wanted his blood. And in the chaos, not a single pony was actually paying attention to the captives. Pragmatism dictated that even with this chance handed to him, he should concentrate on making sure that he and Eye escaped the tavern in one piece. Pragmatism said that what he was about to do would make more enemies than a few idiotic pegasi who hadn’t quite learned what a monster they were fighting yet.

Pragmatism, however, had always played second fiddle to Space Jam’s other instincts when it came down to it.

Two blue bolts of energy hissed through the air from his horn, hitting the iron collars wrapped around the donkey and other creature’s neck. The collars burst open, falling to the ground with a dull thud. Both former captives stared, unsure of what had just happened.

The donkey was the first to react, trying in vain to bolt as his neck snapped to the side. Jam felt sick to his stomach. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the bartender, who held a flintlock rifle. The donkey fell to his side, his breathing ragged.

Jam wasted no time. The bartender was forced to duck as a bolt of blue light smashed into the shelves above him, shattering the bottles arrayed there.

Then, the other creature began to rear up to her full height, and Jam began to understand precisely what he had unleashed.

She was bipedal, and stood only just short of a minotaur. Her hind legs rippled with powerful muscles. Clawed fingers reached up as she scratched at the welts around her neck where the collar had been fixed. Then she bent down, poking at the donkey’s side with her shorter forearms. “Delaney, don’t you be doin’ this to me now. Weren’t you always the one who’d say ‘let’s break out together’?”

The donkey’s breathing was heavy, and he gasped as he kicked with his right hoof. “I’m breathin’ the air again, with no weight around my neck, Leila. That’s as much as I can ask for now. Don’t wait up for me. Just need a little breather. Big girl like you should be fine on her own, shouldn’t you?”

“I’ll tell yer ma you went out tearing this place down around us,” Leila vowed. Tears had begun to well up in her eyes.

“Nah, nah, tell her the truth. Tell her Delaney went off to run a big race. A race across the fields of Elysium.” A somber smile crossed the donkey’s face, and he breathed his last.

Leila made an unearthly noise as she left the donkey’s corpse. The bartender appeared from behind the counter again, taking aim. Jam prepared to fire another shot of suppressing fire.

It wasn’t necessary.

The bobbing and weaving motions Leila had displayed earlier weren’t for show. With a howl of rage she had leaped into the air, instantly crossing the distance from where she stood on the floor to the bar’s counter. The bartender moved his weapon up a fraction of a second too late to avoid her pounce. Powerful hind legs slammed into his body, and there was a faint popping noise as she dislocated his right foreleg..

The chaos in the bar was growing. Jam reached out with his magic, throwing a bubble around himself, Eye, and Smooth Talk all at once. Through its shimmering surface, he heard Leila begin to chuckle. “Well now, my handsome stallion, you’ve gone and fucked up haven’t you? Now my best mate in the world is shot and you’re to blame, and to boot you’ve given me quite a few lovely scars for the sake of increased tourist revenue. I find that a cryin’ shame, I do. Seems to me I’m owed a few scars of my own!”

Jam did not see what happened behind the counter, but the noises he heard left him satisfied that visuals were unnecessary.

Eye Lash grinned as he listened. “Ooh, so that’s what kangaroos are like! I think we have another crew member, don’t you, Jam dear?”

Smooth Talk squinted at Eye Lash. “Oh? And what about me, are you just flying off to parts unknown and leaving a potential source of incredible monetary gain sitting around? Think about it- my brains, your brawn. You and me, kids, all the way to the top!”

Eye shrugged. “Oh, right. Yes, you can come too.”

Behind Eye’s back, the filly stuck out her tongue. “Palooka...”

Jam considered his tactical options.

The entire bar was in a state of war. There were at least five pegasus ponies who now wanted him dead, not to mention anypony else in the bar who was fond of the two people who had just been mutilated. If Eye Lash or this Leila character stayed behind, things were certain to turn into a bloodbath. Smooth Talk was unlikely to be of any assistance in a fight. Realistically, he had only one option. He edged closer to Eye Lash. “Listen to me, um, darling. When you see a bright flash of light, get ready to run for the exit and don’t stop running until you’re back at the Iris.”

Eye Lash frowned. “But I don’t want to run away. All the exciting things are happening in here!”

“Trust me, there will be plenty of excitement if you two run,” Jam growled. Then over the din, he shouted to Leila. “Hey, Kangaroo! Get ready to run if you want to live!”

“Run yourself!” She screamed back, her heading poking up from the bar. “Bastards owe me three months of my life I want back, and a friend who was like a brother besides!”

Before Jam could consider his options further, Eye Lash shouted a reply. “Oh, is that who that flea-bitten carcass the gentlestallion behind the bar put out of his misery was?”

“What’d you call Delaney, you-”

As Leila wound up, Eye nudged Jam. “I think she’ll follow us now, don’t you?”

Not for the first time, Jam found himself wondering just how savvy Eye really was. He steeled himself. “Barrier is going down in three… two…one.”

As the translucent bubble of light burst, Jam released a charge of magical energy from his horn. A white hot flare of light blinded anypony who hadn’t been prepared. Through the light, Jam saw dim shadows passing by- Eye, Smooth Talk, and one of the pegasi who was a bit quicker on the uptake. A sudden rush of air confirmed that Leila had bounded past as well. Jam maneuvered himself to block the exit.

When the light faded, several dazed and angry ponies faced Space Jam, who drew himself up to his full height.

“Move, prettyboy,” one of them growled.

“I’m afraid I won’t be doing that.” Jam gave his best imperious glare to the crowd. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Space Jam, formerly of Tradewinds, now of the Farsight Pirates. If any of you want to harm my friends, I’m afraid you’ll have to go through me.”

The first pegasus had only just begun to launch himself into the air when the net hit.

It was only natural. The number of bystanders in the market made using her spraygun or flamethrower untenable. Velvet had instead engaged a net-launcher located in her right-front knee joint. Two of the pegasus ponies were entangled in it instantly. The two unicorns began to focus their magic to tear it away and the remaining two pegasi pitched in with mouths and hooves, tugging as hard as they could to remove the entanglement. The coldly logical part of Vex realized that this action alone- placing the safety of two comrades over the delivery of intelligence- meant that the six were likely enlisted personnel rather than seasoned officers. Such concern was noble, but without at least sending one of their number to act as a messenger it was ultimately futile. All six were now isolated, clumped together, and not in a fit position to respond to assault.

Vex remembered her mother reading her stories of the faraway islands where strange creatures called cyclopes kept living creatures as property, and then led them away in groups to be slaughtered and eaten. The creatures had been so stripped of intelligence that they could do nothing to resist, and simply let themselves be led away. She hadn’t been able to sleep that night. Chills passed through her body.

There was still time to rescind the order. If she spoke quickly, Velvet would call off her assault. The six ponies would live, albeit now a bit worse for wear as sparks of electricity raced through the net, delivering a paralyzing shock to the ponies holding it. It might even be possible to drag them through the streets of Trottingham back to the Iris to be detained and interrogated.

Or, infinitely more likely, one of the six would recover, make good on the escape, and summon reinforcements. If even one of the enemy’s ships was at all as well armed as the Vexation, it was doubtful whether Vex’s small fleet would survive the encounter. There would almost certainly be casualties. In fact, it wouldn’t be stretch to say that at the moment, it was a choice between letting these six live and living herself. So Vex hesitated, her breath caught in her throat.

No. She was being ridiculous. There was no guarantee that any of the six would escape if spared. Even less of a guarantee that they had the firepower to challenge the Vexation. She opened her mouth, ready to give Velvet new direction.

As she did, six small ‘phut’ noises sounded in rapid succession. Each one was followed by a pony’s head jerking to the side and their body collapsing to the street. A rifle with a curious attachment, likely meant to muffle sound, folded itself into Velvet’s body.

Vex stared mutely at the six dead ponies soaking the street with their blood.

Velvet had cornered, incapacitated, and executed all six in under a minute. The efficiency she displayed wasn’t something Vex could have ever described as “brutal”, prolific as that phrase might be. Brutality would imply emotion or passion, or at least cruelty. Velvet had displayed none of those attributes. She had simply executed her orders in the fewest possible steps, like the machine she was.

Steps she had been able to execute only because of Vex.

The last sixty seconds of her life seemed to spiral out into an infinity in Vex’s mind. Every weapon she had recovered functionality for. Every time she had realigned circuitry just to see what it would do. Every time she had tinkered with Velvet’s gears to remove any blockages between them and ensure smooth operations. Every one of them had lead up to this minute, this second, this single point in time when she had been too slow to take back a thoughtless order. And now six ponies were dead.

Vex had seen death before. It was impossible not to, living on the streets of Tradewinds for a year. But she had never participated. For the first time it was her weapon that had been fired. No matter how she looked at the situation, Velvet was not to blame- she was only following instructions. Velvet had no capacity to disobey those instructions under the circumstances. Each one of those corpses was something Vex would shoulder the blame for. Each one of them was a life she had ended just as certainly as if she had personally fired a shotgun into their skulls, point-blank.

Vex’s voice rasped in her throat. “Velvet.”

“Yes, Unit-Vex?”

“Use of deadly force is prohibited until further notice.” Even as she said it, Vex realized it was only a futile gesture. Velvet had no reason to fire on the crowd, who had gawked at what they saw but were too paralyzed by confusion or fear to take action. The moment the two returned to the ships, Spyglass’ orders would outrank Vex’s, making the prohibition even more meaningless. And no amount of prohibitions on deadly force would bring six dead ponies back.

Even so, Vex let the order stand. “We’re returning to the ship. I- I may require assistance moving. If anypony tries to stop us, evasion is first priority, and then nonviolent incapacitation if possible.”

“Acknowledged.”

As Velvet scooped Vex up and placed her on top of her back, the filly began to sniffle.

And as the two made their way back to the Vexation, for the first time since her father’s death, Vex began to cry.

“Hey, you! Sky Pirate pistol-toting mis-quoting muscleman! You!” Smooth Talk ran frantically, trying to keep pace with Eye Lash as they dashed back through the very streets he and Jam had taken on their way to the tavern. “You seem like the kind of stallion who enjoys a bit of rough-and-tumble excitement but also knows how to lay back and take it easy! Have you considered ditching that uncomfortable tub you fly around on and joinin’ in with somepony who knows where the real bits are? I’m talking paid benefits, holidays, life insurance, family connections-”

“You keep saying words but all I’m hearing are terrible job offers!” Eye called over his shoulder as he ran. “Clearly you haven’t yet realized that you’re in the company of the future Emperor of Equestria. It’s okay! I magnanimously forgive your ignorance!”

Smooth Talk skidded to a halt, glaring ahead. “You callin’ me ignorant? Me? Listen up, bonehead, I’m the sharpest mind this side of Trottingham, and if you and your hired love slave hadn’t waltzed into the middle of my perfectly good scheme I’d still have a half-decent bunch of featherbrained goons and a nice little operation. Would’ve landed us on easy street any day now! And you all had to show up and wreck it when I was this close to retirement!”

Eye stopped moving as well, turning to glare down at the filly. “Do you know, someone I shot the other day was complaining of just that same malady!”

“Ah, I see. Should’ve known a chump like you would be the type to pick on the elderly.” Smooth drew herself up to her full height, which required balancing on her hind legs in order to bring her head level with Eye’s. “Listen up, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. Either you agree to pay me back what you owe me for getting rid of a perfectly good set of hired muscles, or I waltz on down to the Trottingham guard and give ‘em a nice big bribe to confiscate any pirate ships they find down at the harbor.”

Eye leveled a pistol at Smooth Talk nonchalantly. “And what makes you think I’d let you get that far, my dear? I’m not particularly discriminatory in who I shoot. All corpses end up in the same place anyway.”

Smooth Talk grinned. “Well, I’m not particularly convinced I’d get away with it. I just wanted to keep you talking long enough to get into a situation where I had a bit more leverage.”

Eye couldn’t help smiling back. “And what kind of situation is that?”

“Well, I was thinkin’ something along these lines.”

“BLOOD AND VINEGARRRRRR!”

Smooth Talk dropped to all four hooves and crouched just in time for Leila to come soaring over her head and land headlong on Eye Lash’s body.

Jam stared down the crowd. So far, he hadn’t been forced to attack any of them. Half the patrons of the bar were blackout drunk and more confused and annoyed than determined. The group of pegasus ponies who had originally stormed in were mostly still clustered around their fallen leader, who was still bleeding into the floor. There was only one easy exit from the tavern. All he had to do was stand in place and create a barrier spell if he was attacked. Even in a group, it would be hard to force their way past him. There was a minimal risk of loss of life.

He couldn’t help feeling like he was missing something.

“Get out of the way, ponce.”

Jam felt the grip around the back of his neck a moment too late. Without warning he was flung into the center of the tavern, headlong. Only a timely application of his shielding spell saved him from smashing into a table and breaking.

What he saw as he dissipated the bubble was a large figure, towering over the other patrons. Jam had seen minotaurs before. One, a skilled geomancer, had even been a teacher at the Academy for a short time. This one made others of his species look like children by comparison. His massive, swarthy body seemed almost made from muscle. The thick, shaggy fur minotaurs from the northern coasts were known for wrapped around his shoulders. He stank of sweat and cheap ale. Jam recoiled.

The minotaur glared at the center of the room. His eyes settled on the group of pegasi. “Oy. You there, the one bleeding from the dick. Who killed my ass and stole my fuckin’ roo?”

The pegasus glared up at Space Jam, pointed a hoof at him, and went back to clutching his mangled genitals.

“Thanks, mate.” The minotaur swept his hands across the room. “Listen up, you bunch of shits! I’ll give five hundred bits to whoever drags that fucking bitch back in here!”

The room moved as one, galvanized by the promise. Only the fact that there was a single door kept them from all streaming out at once. Jam gritted his teeth. At least five, maybe seven were already out. If he let any more loose, there was no telling what would happen.

So much for preserving life. He should’ve known better.

Three bolt of blue light lanced from his horn, impacting right above the doorway. Half-rotted wood exploded, showering a few ponies who were trying to force their way through at the same time. It wasn’t enough to hurt them, but it did slow them down long enough for Jam to make his way back up on all fours. “I already warned you. If any of you want to chase those three down, you’ll have to make your way past me.”

The minotaur snorted. “What are you, some kind of noble? Out here, without your guards or money, you’re nothing but a prissy unicorn. Stay down, we’ll deal with you later.”

“I’m afraid I’m not accustomed to taking orders from fecal matter.” Jam’s horn glowed with azure light. He focused on his targets. “Instead, I suggest you cut your losses and retract that reward. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to fight my way through you and every other pony in here.”

No sooner had he finished his sentence than Jam was forced to leap to the side to avoid a barstool the minotaur had hurled at him. “Very well then. We’ll settle this with force.” Jam kept his voice high, adding an extra layer of ‘posh’ to it. It had the desired effect, as he watched the minotaur’s face contort into a scowl. As he had expected, nobles weren’t thought of particularly highly by this crowd. “I’ve already introduced myself when I issued my collective challenge. Will you be doing the same, so I know who I have the dubious honor of striking down?”

“They call me Rock Slabchest.” The minotaur grinned, striking a hand against his pectorals. The sound it made reminded Jam of a plank of wood striking against a rock.

Jam smirked. “How many years have you spent begging your parents for an apology, then, Rock Slabchest?”

“Right, you little shit. You walk into my tavern, steal my entertainment, and have the nerve to pick a fight with me.” Rock cracked his knuckles. It sounded like a series of small pistols discharging. “I’m going to enjoy breaking you apart.” He turned to the ponies left in the bar. “Oy! You lot! Another ten bits for every hit you land on this ponce!”

Jam braced himself as the remainder of the bar charged at him. He unleashed his first barrage of magical fire.

“You little shit! You take back everything you said to me about Delaney, or I’ll feckin’ rip you in half, shit in your corpse, sew you back together and then break your horn off to use as a feckin’ backscratcher!” Leila roared as she stood astride Eye’s body.

For his part, Eye seemed unconcerned. Instead he wiggled his eyebrows roguishly. “Come now, don’t you think you could come up with a more entertaining way to use my horn? It can be quite stimulating with the right applied magics.”

Leila reached back, preparing to rake her left forepaw across Eye’s face. “Only takes one blow to kill a pony with these, y’know. Delaney will need some company as he waits for the boat to Elysium.”

“Certainly. But you seem like the kind of beast who values her life.” Wriggling one of his forehooves free from Leila’s pin, Eye gestured to her right shoulder. “Tell me, would you prefer you or I be the one to accompany your late friend?”

Leila moved her head just enough to see what Eye was pointing at, without relaxing her body. A fully loaded and primed pistol floated directly beside her, prepared to fire.

Smooth whistled in surprise and appreciation. “Well, ain’t that a shock. Didn’t expect you to have that set to go so quickly.” She cantered over to the two, watching them idly. “Now it seems to me that we have ourselves a situation that could use some mediating. Seein’ as if you try to kill this here stallion, Miss Kangaroo, he’s gonna shoot you through the head. And also seein’ as even with that pistol primed, Mr. Stallion, if you’re gonna shoot this here kangaroo, your fancy friend won’t be particularly happy that you wiped out the lady he just put himself at risk to help save.”

Eye’s grin faded, “...I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted.

Leila only grunted, maintaining her stance. “If you want to make a point, brat, be quick about it.”

“Well, seeing as this rather gaudy gentlestallion’s friend saved your life and set you free, and seeing as you’re now a fugitive in need of money, and seein’ as how all three of us now have a compelling reason to motor our flanks out of Trottingham, I propose we form ourselves a truce, make our way back to the pirate ship like your friend back at the Tavern suggested, and that we go make the Emperor of Equestria here a made stallion by sailing it off to some fabulous port, picking ourselves up some quick bits there, and sailing for Canterlot to live like Nobles.” She paused. “Or I could wander back there myself, tell the crew the sad story of how you two died in the streets because you were too busy fighting to deal with the ponies who are no doubt charging after us right now, and sail out of here alone as a tragic victim. It’s all up to you, really.”

“He still hasn’t apologized for what he said about Delaney,” Leila growled, not moving an inch.

“Oh, right. That donkey fellow.” Eye grinned again. “Well, madame kangaroo, if you tear off my horn and use it as a substitute penis I assure you that not only will it preclude my ability to apologize but your friend will be quite sad that you wasted your chance at freedom and adventure on petty revenge.”

The sound of hooves on cobblestones drifted towards the three. Smooth looked at the two combatants. “I don’t know about you two boneheads, but I’m going to run.”

Leila relaxed her grip and backed away from Eye, letting the unicorn roll over and get back on his hooves. “You’re lucky, you prick,” she growled at him.

“Infinitely so.” Eye hummed cheerfully as the pistol he had levitated swiveled, refocusing itself from Leila to the group of pursuers now pounding their way down the street and charging the three. “Though I would like to amend one part of the plan, Miss Smooth Talk. Don’t worry, your little display has already earned you a spot in my advisor’s cabinet.”

Smooth flashed him a lopsided grin. “Keep talkin’.”

“Well, apparently I owe our friend here an apology, and a certain donkey requires company while waiting for his boat in the afterlife.” Eye trained his weapons, waiting for the pursuers to come in close. “Suppose I kill two manticores with one shot?”

Slowly Leila grinned. “Alright, you feckin’ bastard. I can get behind that.” She squared herself up, preparing to meet the oncoming charge as well. “Y’know, in the scrattering pits when Delaney and I used to fight groups, we’d make bets on how many of ‘em we’d each knock out before the end. Care for a bit of competition?”

“I just knew you two were going to be exciting!” Eye crowed as he opened fire.

Jam’s magical shots lanced through the crowd. The first two slammed into the ceiling, punching holes in the roof and sending shingles and wood raining down into the tavern’s interior. The next two shattered dozens of bottles behind the bar. The last one narrowly missed Rock Slabchest’s head and instead obliterated a table. The minotaur paused his charge to laugh derisively. “The fuck do you call that? If your aim’s that bad, I may as well put you on the stake. Then all of us would be happy to show you how to point at a target.” He licked his lips, hefting a chair. “Catch!”

As the chair hurtled toward him, Jam fired a sixth bolt of magic. The impromptu projectile was blasted to smithereens in mid air. Rock had to shield his face with his forearms to avoid shrapnel. “I’m afraid that you won’t ever place another creature in those chains again.” Jam’s horn practically crackled with magical energy as he methodically fired two more shots, shattering the bar counter. “And in addition, it seems that you’re quite ignorant of the theories behind advanced magical combat. Allow me to fill you in. The bolts I have just fired are a basic form of magical attack. They are primarily useful in combat as suppressive fire and as a non-lethal form of incapacitation. Firing them at living creatures is generally discouraged unless you have incredible magical output. The natural magic resistance of ponies and many other sentient races dull the impact of each shot. If I had been aiming for any of you, the worst I could have done is magically suplex you.”

A few of the quicker-witted ponies in the room scurried away, attempting to cower in the tavern’s corners or escape through the still-open doorway. Rock ignored them, still glowering at Space Jam. “So what? If you aren’t going to shoot me, what are you going to do, sit there and look pretty?”

“You’re half right. Moving about would make this spell more difficult. For the next few moments, I will be remaining as still as possible.” Jam closed his eyes and focused. “To all of you who value your lives, I suggest running away now.”

“Anyone who runs away from this little shit gets broken in two if they show their face here again!” Rock bellowed.

“As you wish. It’s your funerals. I’ll be sure to try to leave enough of your corpses for your loved ones to identify.” Jam’s eyes snapped open. Pure magical energy was leaking from his body, and his eyes were now emanating a bright blue glow. He released his spell. A bubble of azure mist seemed to rush through the tavern and dissipate. Then it happened.

Every broken glass, every shattered table, every torn shingle, every piece of debris not nailed down and a few that had been floated into the air, held aloft by Jam’s magical aura. “I’m sure you all recognize this. Even the most magically impotent unicorns can manage some form of levitation,” Jam explained calmly as ponies backed cautiously away from the floating objects. Even Rock had assumed a boxer’s defensive stance, unsure of how to react. “While using magic directly against other creatures is a feat even extremely potent unicorns find difficult, using magic against the surrounding environment is surprisingly simple. From there, developing this spell was simply a matter of practice and dedication. It was also what resulted in my termination from the Academy, as developing new war-magics has been expressly forbidden outside of the Guard for over a century.”

Rock, realizing that the debris hadn’t moved, smirked and charged the unprotected Jam. He swung his fist directly at the unicorn’s face, and smirked as he felt it impact.

Then he screamed in pain.

Rather that crush Jam’s head, Rock’s fist had slammed into a condensed wall of glass shards. They had moved so quickly that it was hard to believe that Jam was consciously directing their action, and had seemingly formed a barrier of their own accord. While Rock’s punch had shattered them further, the shards were held in place by magic and did not budge. As his fist had withdrawn they had moved with it, digging into his skin.

By this point, every pony in the tavern with an ounce of sense had fled. Only Jam, Rock, and a few ponies too brave or stupid to value their lives were left. Jam’s horn pulsed, and the rest of the debris in the room pulled itself toward him and began rotating around his body. “As you can see from my demonstration, this spell allows for flexible defense from physical forms of assault. A fast enough mage could theoretically stop bullets.” Jam increased his magical output. The rotations of the debris began to rotate even faster. He was now the center of a tornado of levitating objects. “And as for assault… well. Using magic on its own to strike another creature is quite difficult. Using magic to propel a series of objects towards another creature at high enough speeds to simulate the impact of a bullet, well. That’s quite another story entirely.”

Two of the remaining ponies were struck down as shards of wood and glass rocketed from the spiraling objects and buried themselves deep within their bodies. One screamed. The long, wooden splinter had missed her vital organs and buried itself in her left hind leg. A heavy chunk of table followed soon after, crushing her skull and ending her suffering.

Rock edged to the side, trying to move closer to the door. His bravado had already begun to fade. His attempted retreat was cut short as another chunk of debris hurtled through the air, striking his right horn and snapping it in two. He roared in pain.

Jam’s voice echoed from within the center of the magical storm. “I’ve never tested this spell on a minotaur, but from looking at you I can see that one shot likely won’t be enough. I’d like to warn you in advance that my next fifty or so- the majority of my remaining ammunition- will be aimed at you. Each shot is going to spall away a bit of your body. I theorize that by the end, your corpse will be so pulverized that your own mother will have trouble identifying you.” His eyes blazed with fury. “For what you did to those creatures, however, this is simply the payback you deserve.”

The last thing Rock Slabchest ever saw was the contents of his own tavern hurtling towards him as Space Jam ripped him apart with his own building.

The first pegasus to come barreling towards Eye and Leila actually managed to dodge Eye’s first bullet with a well-timed barrel roll. Unfortunately his momentum carried him directly into the path of Leila, who leaped into the air and crashed into him, bringing down all her weight onto his body. His wings crunched as he hit the cobblestones. Without a moment’s hesitation the kangaroo reached down and snapped his neck.

“I do love a woman who knows how to take the lead!” Eye called as he dodged a bolt of lightning. One of the savvier pegasi had flown up, out of easy pistol range, and begun pushing clouds together and leaping on them. Eye frowned. “Well, that’s a bit of an annoyance.”

Smooth Talk smirked. “Nah, that one’s easy. You just- c’mere a second.” She slipped close to Eye and whispered into his ear quickly.

To say Eye grinned would be an egregious understatement. If his smile were any wider, his face might actually have split open. A few observers briefly thought they were looking at some form of madness elemental. “Ooh! That does sound like a rather fun trick. Now let’s see here…” Hefting Marie-Louise with his magic, Eye focused on the scattergun with all his might.

The pegasus who had pushed the clouds together prepared his next assault when he felt something press just below his abdomen. He leaned down in time to see the barrel of a weapon aimed directly at his sheath. A weapon wrapped in a hot-pink magical aura. “Well, shit.”

Eye wiped a tear from his eye as a pegasus, blood streaming from his nether regions, fell from the clouds and broke his neck against the pavement. “My magnum opus,” he choked. “A thing of pure beauty…”

As he mooned over his accomplishment, an earth pony mare lunged, preparing to crush his head underneath one of her hooves. A stone cracked against her jaw, forcing her to pause her assault. “The hell?”

Smooth Talk smiled sweetly as she stamped one of her forehooves on a loose cobblestone, partially smashing it. She deftly tossed a large fragment of the stone into the air, balancing it on her nose. “Hey, lady, wanna see a trick?” she asked, her voice full of sugar and lightness.

The mare grimaced. “You little piece of shit, I’m going to-”

She never managed to finish her sentence. With speed that would have put a champion prizefighter to shame, Smooth Talk flipped her stone into the air and rotated her entire body, putting every ounce of centrifugal force she could muster into a targeted buck. The stone sailed through the air, crashing into the center of the mare’s forehead. With a groan she slid to the ground, unconscious. Smooth giggled in delight. “They just never see that one comin’.”

Eye sniffed. “I could’ve done that!”

“You just keep tellin’ yourself that, kid.” Smooth smirked at him. Then a bullet whistled over her head and she cringed. “Well, looks like they finally wised up to the fact that they aren’t gonna get anywhere by charging into us like nimrods. You two going to finally hightail it already or what? The Trottingham guard are corrupt, not stupid. Eventually someone’s going to think to throw them enough bits to notice us if we keep hanging around.”

Leila smashed the head of an unfortunate unicorn into the street, cracking her horn. “Ye’ve got a fine point there, you do. Well then, unicorn-bastard, are ye coming with us or do we have to break our way onto your ship without ye?”

Eye Lash fired off two more rounds, dispatching one of the unicorns firing on the trio and an oncoming pegasus. “I suppose,” he sighed. “I forgot to reload Marie-Louise before we left anyway. This way, gentlemares, and step lively now!”

As he turned, Smooth caught sight of something. “Hell of a cutie mark you’ve got there, slugger,” she said, pointing at Eye’s flank.

Eye looked down, aghast. “What in blazes is this monstrosity!”

Leila lumbered a bit closer and burst out laughing.

Eye’s previously blank flank was now adorned with a small, cartoonishly violent image of a pegasus stallion bleeding from his genitals, flanked by two crossed rifles. Smooth couldn’t help grinning at it. “Hey, if nothing else, that thing there is distinct.”

“And completely inappropriate for a future ruler. Cover me for a moment you two, will you?” Eye reached for his saddlebags, producing a tin of grease meant for use in cleaning out the barrels of his weapons. “This won’t take long.” With all the precision and grace of a two year old, he quickly smeared over his offending cutie mark with the substance. “There, much better!”

Smooth Talk and Leila’s response was to double over with laughter again.

Eye’s handiwork had covered over his original mark with an image of the planet Equus in miniature, surrounded by flames. An ornate crown hung over this image. It would have been quite impressive, were it not for the fact that it appeared to have been produced by a foal who had just learned the basics of hoof-painting.

Eye sniffed. “Well I think it looks nice.”

The three set out for the docks.

It was only later when any of them had time to wonder how in Equus it was possible that Eye had managed to both cover over his original mark and create a comprehensible drawing using only grease.

By the time she and Velvet had made their way back to the docks, Vex had stopped crying. Her body was still wracked with shudders every so often and her eye was red and bloodshot, but the tears themselves had stopped coming. She clung to Velvet’s neck. “I messed up, didn’t I?” she said, her voice uncharacteristically small.

Velvet said nothing for a moment. Then she stopped moving. “We are here, Unit-Vex.”

Vex raised her head. The Vexation was still moored in the harbor, its boarding plank ready to receive the pair. Velvet turned her head back. “Unit-Vex, This Unit understands if you wish to remain alone. This Unit is perfectly fine with returning to the Iris for the moment, or seeking out Unit-Eye and Unit-Jam.”

“No.” Vex sniffled. “I… Velvet, I don’t want to be alone right now. I don’t…”

“Acknowledged.”

Without hesitation, Velvet carried the filly up the boarding ramp and to the deck of the ship. The two stayed silent as they made their way across the massive ship’s labyrinthine structure, back to Vex’s cabin. Once they were inside Vex dismounted from Velvet’s back and began to crawl into her bed. Her head felt fuzzy. “I’m so stupid…”

“Congratulations, Unit-Vex.”

Vex froze. “What do you mean, Velvet?”

“Your cutie mark. Congratulations, Unit-Vex.”

In spite of herself, Vex moved toward the full-length mirror set up on the wall of the cabin and turned to get a look at what had just materialized on her body.

The mark was surprisingly elaborate. Three heavy, metal gears were interlocked with each other, surrounded by a steel ring which, were they in motion, would rotate around them. Vex recognized the configuration as one she had seen in sketches from Rhinestone’s notes on the fundamentals of clockwork. There was no doubt in her mind what the mark represented- somehow, in fixing Velvet, the world had decided to acknowledge her talent as an artificer. Today she had joined her heroes.

Vex felt her entire world invert itself. “Velvet,” she said softly, “I need a glass of water.”

Then her tears began to flow again.