Celestia's Bad Friends

        Celestia was having splendid dreams. Many wondered if the sisters spent any real time together considering how busy they always were, but Luna often visited in her dreams at night, so Tia had just bid farewell to her little sister for the night when she felt herself being jostled. Odd, considering Luna wasn’t panicking about anything, so nothing should really need her to-

“Wake the fuck up!” Came an angry female’s scream, shattering Celestia’s dreamscape and causing her to jump out of the bed in sheer surprise, blinking her eyes as she tried to see in the dark for her intruders.

“Valkyr, there was no need to be so rude to the pretty pony.” Came a complete opposite voice, deep in baritone and clearly male, but both shared the characteristic of being oddly distorted.

“Screw you Excalibur! We wouldn’t be in this situation if you weren’t glitching!” Tia’s vision finally came into focus before she turned on her room’s lights, thankfully modernized with electricity as the candle-like lights illuminated the room, revealing two metal bipeds in her bedchamber, one green and built like a male minotaur despite his unusually shaped legs, and the other, a red one, looked more like a female satyr with her curves and body shape.

“Oh, the new model calls an Original glitching, cute.” The green one quipped, clearly unbothered by her bemused state, or the fact that they clearly had her attention by now.

“I’ll show you cute!” The red colored creature said, lunging at its counterpart and beginning to strangle the ever living crap out of it, but considering they were both made of metal, the fact that the male was actually laughing as he returned the gesture was disturbing, especially as they tumbled into her vanity, shattering it to bits easily. If you listened closely as the vanity shattered, you could hear metal give way slightly.

“ACK! ACTUALLY CRUSHING MY AIR INTAKE!” The green one screamed as it thrashed about, knocking over various bits of furniture in the room, and destroying any decorations that happened to make it to the floor intact. “UNCLE! UNCLE! STOP IT!”

“I’LL STOP IT WHEN YOU’RE DEAD!”

“ENOUGH!” Celestia cried. “Who are you two?! And why are you destroying my room?!”

“Good question!” Suddenly, the green one was standing with a finger raised in what Celestia supposed was some form of common gesture meaning to wait perhaps? Hands were so hard to read over hooves. “Beings we weren’t even planning to visit this world-.”

“The old dipshit here decided to land here on a whim.” The metal femme growled as she stood back up off the floor, now that Celestia got a better look, she seemed to be damaged in comparison to the male’s nearly pristine appearance.

“Yes, well. It happened something along the lines of this….”

[Flashback~]

        Valkyr was manually piloting the custom Mantis that she and Excalibur inhabited in silence, scouting the recently discovered planet, when suddenly:

        “LET'S FLY TO THE CASTLE, VALKYR!” Excalibur boisterously exclaimed with great enthusiasm as he pushed into Valkyr’s shoulders with excitement, who was shoved into the controls of the Mantis, sending them plummeting towards the planet they were scouting from orbit at the time, one that just so happened to showcase a very large and visible castle from outside of orbit.

        “HOLY SHIT!” Valkyr screamed in surprise as they plummeted towards the planet.

        The mantis smashed gratuitously into the flagstones of the castle’s statue garden, sending shattered statues and shredded shrubbery everywhere.

        [Flashback end~]

        “And we couldn’t get the Mantis back into the air, so now unless you can help us somehow, the Systems are doomed.” Excalibur dramatically finished his sad tale of misfortune and idiocy.

        “You do realize there’s like, several hundred thousand Tenno out there, right?” Valkyr replied to that sarcastically.

        “Shush, shoosh~! She didn’t need to know that!” Excalibur hammed.

        “Except… She did.” Valkyr said. “Please excuse my counterpart, he’s kind of a moron…. and glitching slightly.”

        At the moment, Celestia and the two ‘Tenno’ were standing in front of the ship, and she was looking in horror at the sight of Discord’s tail poking out of the edge of the ship. “You two have no idea what you’ve done….” The tail then turned into black and white stripes, and curled in on itself under the ship, making Celestia sigh as she rubbed her temple. “Great, now I have to wake up Twilight….”

        “Anyway! We can make new console controls and a thruster gimbal if we have the resources! Do you have in your possession sufficient Rubedo or any Plastids? Oh! How about some Gallium! And an Orokin Reactor!” Excalibur asked.

        “YOU JUST WANT TO UPGRADE YOUR SHIT!” Valkyr yelled, smacking Excalibur upside the back of the head.

        “Don’t ruin this for me~!” Excalibur whined, making Celestia groan.

        “He reminds me of Discord...ahem, I’m afraid I have not heard of any of those items-."

        “Don’t worry, we just need some metal…. Actually, a ton of it…” Valkyr said, putting a hand to her ‘chin’. “And come to think of it, an Orokin Reactor might help a bit if the engines are damaged... I’ll have to check with Ordis for what’s on this planet…”

        “Yes, for some reason, our creators and the Orokin used gratuitously wasteful amounts of resources on the simplest things. My Warframe alone takes the same amount of resources as a ship such as Mantis!” Excalibur boasted with false pride as he began taking random poses, twirling the sword Celestia had noticed he had on his back around like a cane from the hook of its pommel. “Excalibur~! …. Excalibur~!”

        “And who do you think you are? Vor?” Valkyr sarcastically remarked. “Seriously. Stop being such a cocky douche."

        “When you get to be as old as I Valkyr, you take what you can get in terms of entertainment! I may have forgotten more than you’ve ever learned in your young life, but I am still QUITE old, I know that.” Excalibur boasted, getting Celestia to sigh deeply in frustration.

        “You’re not THAT old, dumbass.” Valkyr said.

        “I’m from the Old War that ended our creators! You were created only recently in torturous experiments from multiple Tenno. That you retain any sanity at all is a godsend.” Excalibur stated, making Celestia cast a pain relieving spell as to relieve her headache as she summoned a scroll and began writing a letter to Twilight.

        “You do know I’m MADE of bits and pieces of Warframes from the Old War, right?” Valkyr deadpanned angrily. “And if you keep talking about my origins, I’m going to start strangling you again.”

        “Valkyr, my dear! You wound me! I cared enough to help you and this is my payment? Scorn? Oh, my old heart~!” Excalibur fell to his knees, pantomiming tears.

        “One more time. Do it ONE MORE TIME, AND I’LL-!”

        “Boop!” Excalibur said as Celestia poked Valkyr on the center of her ‘face’.

        “... What.”

        “I believe that is quite enough young lady, and you stop antagonizing her sir.” Celestia demanded as she moved away to a more sociable distance. “Now then, I cannot supply you such wasteful resources. But I move this very planet around our star every day, so I can perhaps do something else to help you.”

        “Unless you can undo the damage done to our ship, I’m sorry, there’s not.” Valkyr said in an uncharacteristically calm tone.

        “Hold on a moment, if she could move the planet, then she could certainly lift the Mantis into space! Then Ordis could autopilot back to a Relay for repairs!... Wait, couldn’t Ordis just pilot us out NOW? I mean, the manual controls are shot, but Ordis isn’t about to lose connection to his systems from a crash.” Excalibur asked Valkyr, getting Celestia’s eyebrow to twitch.

        “Can’t. Engines are shot.” Valkyr said flatly. “If we could have left already, we would have left already, dipshit. Besides, this could be a nice place to get resources… That is if the… What are you again?”

        “I’m a pony, and this world is host to several hundred different sapient-.” Celestia informed, only to be interrupted.

        “Not what I meant.” Valkyr interrupted. “I mean you’re some kind of royalty or something like that.”

        “I don’t think we even asked, Valkyr.” Excalibur said.

        “No, she’s right. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria by day, and right now, it’s night, so you’re rather interrupting-.”

        “Alright. So, we could get some resources, if you’d allow it.” Valkyr interrupted… again.

        Celestia took a calming breath. She didn’t like being interrupted. “...This world is one of abundant resources. I would explain the wonders of it if I had the patience, but, it’s night. I don’t do night. So ask, and I’ll do my best to refer you to my sister, who then could deal with this.” Celestia groused as pink clouds began appearing, raining chocolate rain as she sighed again.

        “Oooo~! Cocoa lactose!” Excalibur exclaimed joyfully as he tilted his mouthless face upwards. “Ah~...I wish I had a mouth.”

        “Is this...normal?” Valkyr asked bewildered, especially since several clouds decided to hang over the formerly white princess, drowning her in a deluge of brown chocolaty goodness.

        “...No. And I rightfully blame you for this.” Celestia growled as over the cliff of the mountain and down to the south where a town laid, bright lights flashed intermittently as a cataclysmic battle of the ages raged once more.

        “Hey! Blame the dumbass! I didn’t even want to come down here!” Valkyr complained as Celestia moved to go inside, the rainclouds following her.

        “I am a Tenno of whimsy! To blame me is to blame fate!” Excalibur hammed, getting Celestia’s eye to twitch.

        ‘I hate early mornings….’

        And that was how Celestia got new house guests for several years, even though the Tenno became involved in her world’s protection, the end.