Celestia's Bad Friends

        It has been a good year since we last saw the red Valkyr and green Excalibur, two unexpected guests to Canterlot castle who have pretty much REFUSED to leave. It’s this little fact that keeps Celestia awake at night. Why the two chose to bother her and not leave is still a mystery to her.

        Especially when Excalibur revealed they had fantastic things such as their Archwings that let them fly faster than anypony had any right to, and even out into space, so they weren’t actually stranded on her planet, they just, kept, BUGGING her! At least the ship itself, Ordis, was polite, if unusually unhinged now and then.

        “Tia~! Tia!” Oh no, not now~! Tia futily hid under her covers as her doze was ruined, yet again, by the male Tenno, Excalibur. “Oh, there you are you beautiful mare-!”

        “What did you do now?” Celestia begrudgingly asked.

        “Is my admiration of your form truly an indicator of-?”

        “Just what is Valkyr up to.” Celestia stated, it wasn’t a question, just a routine at this point. ‘Why can’t you bother my sister instead?’

        “That’s the thing! I don’t really know!” Well, now that was both new, and worrying. Celestia bolted out of bed, fully alert. Valkyr was, oddly, the more responsible of the two in spite of her constant anger and her, as Excalibur put it, Tsundere personality.

        “What do you mean you don’t know?!” Celestia asked in her panic. “Isn’t she ALWAYS watching you?!”

        “That’s what I was thinking! And normally I can see her doing it!” Excalibur explained. “But funny thing is, I lost her. So, to try to get her to come out, I turned the stove in the kitchen on and-”

        “YOU IDIOT! Every time you do that, you cause a fire!” Celestia berated, smacking him in the blank faceplate with a newspaper she’d constantly added on to every weekend to increase it’s durability specifically for smacking Excalibur for his foolishness. Seriously. How the BUCK does a technologically superior race NOT know how to operate a Faust-damned BUCKING stove?!

        “I know… But I didn’t this time. It was just to try to get Valkyr to show up.” Excalibur said. “It’s not like her to just let me mess around with fire. Considering that’s more her thing.... And Ember’s.”

        “... Well then…” Celestia said. “This… This is rather concerning. Seeing as how the one I can actually TOLERATE has gone missing. But where on Equus could she have-” A sudden series of explosions in the former castle statue garden, which had long-ago been removed when Excalibur kept hiding in there, informed Celestia that, of course, once again…. “... Valkyr found another new toy….”

        “A new weapon! WOO~!” Excalibur crowed as he ran down the hall towards the castle’s ‘yard’, his arms still outstretched above him in joy like the idiot he portrayed himself to be.

        “Beware mortals! For I have found a mount!” Came the strangely comical shout of Valkyr. “You shall all fear the name of Valkitty!”

        “First her new helmet, now this.” Celestia sighed. “Next thing I know, she’s going to attempt a siege on my throne just for shits and giggles.”

        “I wouldn’t put it past them.” Celestia didn’t flinch at the familiar voice, and craned her head around to see Discord idly stroking his goatee. “I mean, they’re the most unpredictable beings on this planet. Even I have trouble keeping up with them, and I’m me.”

        “Honestly, by now, I’m practically wishing I hadn’t made that deal and let you run rampant rather than have them battle you into submission. At least then they might’ve just ended up camping in the Everfree or something instead of living in the castle.” Celestia grumbled as she dragged her hooves to the former gardens with the yawning Lord of Chaos at her side.

        “Trust me Tia, I’m wishing that too. Who knew mundane weaponry could do things like that before then?” Discord shuddered as he scratched at a thin scar running across his serpentine torso. “And I’m telling you, that Excalibur is dangerous. He’s got a madness in him I’ve scarcely seen.”

        “Noted, as usual. Stop trying to warn me about things I’m well aware of.” Celestia sighed as they exited the castle, to see a ridiculous and also very unusual sight.

        “Valkitty...please. Come down off of the murderous Corpus death-machine, and we’ll talk like rational Tenno.” Excalibur stated very calmly as he aimed his color-matching green Boltor at Valkyr and the oddly biomechanical four-legged robot she’d mounted that easily dwarfed most manticores in size. The thickness of its outward facing armor was also quite intimidating, even if it was a bright reddish-pink.

        “Not this time, Excalibro! I’m having my fun!” Valkyr screamed as the aforementioned ‘death-machine’ kicked Excalibur into one of the castle walls. “We are connected and I’m going to have my fun now!”

“Tia! Dissy! RUN~! She’s gone MAD with power! MAD I SAY~!” Excalibur hammed as he summoned his Dragon Nikana from his frame’s ridiculously impressive storage space.

“HISA~TSU!” Excalibur then suddenly flashed in movement so fast as he was suddenly several paces behind the Valkitty-Lynx, sheathing the sword that Celestia considered a Legendary piece of work in a dramatic fashion. “DRAGON SLICING!” The sword clicked into place, and several slash marks appeared across Valkyr’s new mount, only that was all that came of it much to Celestia’s and Discord’s surprise, beings they’d seen Excalibur slice clean through dragons with that sword. “...EPIC FAILURE~!!”  Excalibro collapsed bonelessly to the ground. “RUN! FLEE! HIDE~!”

“Run cowards!” Valkyr screamed, just as the cables that kept her connected to the Lynx severed. “... Well shit.” Valkyr then got kicked off of the Lynx, like a rider being bucked off a wild horse. “Excalibro? I think I’m done with my fun now.”

“Where did that thing come from anyway?! I thought the Corpus didn’t operate anywhere NEAR this System!” Excalibur suddenly jumped to his feet, all seriousness as he trained his Boltor on the spasming machine as Celestia and Discord both cast a powerful shield spell between it and them.

“Remember how the LAST time we fought a Jackal, I dragged the body along with us?” Valkyr reminded Excalibur. “Yeah, this is that thing.”

“You only NOW tell me you were carrying that thing in your slipspace storage?!” Excalibur chided as the robot started randomly firing missile pods everywhere. “I thought we talked about this!”

“Oh, and you’re mister perfect Tenno! Storing spare frames you build, ‘because you can’ and not use them!” Valkyr roared as she charged the malfunctioning mount. “Bad Lynx! Bad! Shut down so mommy can fix you!”

“Would you like to see me in a Mag? Or Nyx?” Excalibur joked as he summoned a javelin of light, and launched it into one of the machine’s shoulders, crumpling it to the ground and giving Valkyr a better position for it’s head.

“Honestly? Yes.” Valkyr said in a somewhat demanding tone. “You KNOW how I feel about a Nyx.”

“Well when I’m feeling a little less assured of my chosen gender, I’ll tender the thought of transferring Warframes.” Excalibur replied with levity as the two then both jumped high into the air, and fell in a tandem devastating heel-drop on the head of the downed robotic mount, deactivating it by severing the head’s control matrix the ‘manual’ way. “I just realized something.”

“Yes, Excalibro?” Valkyr asked casually, no doubt smiling underneath the helmet.

“Valkitty, isn’t this the Lynx from the energy lab back at the dojo?” Excalibur asked, confused. “That thing is out in the void! How did you get there and back in a DAY?!”

“... I might have put on my Nova Prime frame and opened a permanent portal between there and Celestia’s closet…..”

“So THAT’S why you go in there at night.” Celestia sighed.

“What, did you expect me to sleep on the floor or in the ship? That thing doesn’t have a bed, not even a chair, and you never gave us any.” Valkyr commented angrily. “Some host you are.”

“I didn’t want you here in the first place!” Celestia shouted.

“Wait, the Dojo is connected to Tia’s closet?” Excalibur let it sink into himself. “RHINO! BUDDY!” Excalibur suddenly took off for Tia’s room

“And you’re not even helping me move Bob!” Valkyr called as Excalibur ran off. She turned to face Celestia and Discord’s confused faces. “... What? I named the thing Bob.”

“YOU PUT THE COURSE BACK IN?!” Came Excalibur’s angry yell from across the castle.

“YEAH!” Valkyr yelled back.

“WHY?!”

“I LIKED THE DAMN THING!”

“FUCK YOU!”

By this point in time, the whole castle was awake, again, and Luna was irritably tapping a hoof from her previously unnoticed spot as she leered at her sister for her ‘friends’ waking everypony up again when she was busy dream delving as usual. “I hate my life sometimes….” Celestia bemoaned as Discord pat her back understandingly.