Celestia's Bad Friends

        “Well Tia, I don’t see what the problem is.” Discord said as he idly played with a paddleball that made fart noises every time he hit it. “Your sister can court whomever she wishes in my opinion.”

        Celestia was moping at the bar of Discord’s room, having taken asylum with whom she ironically considered her only form of sanity among all the madness the Tenno have brought her. “But she’s not even a pony-he-hee~! I-I wanted to be a REAL Aunt someday, n-not a lonely old, wa~!” Celestia wept dramatically, her face flushed from her alcohol intake. Alicorns have a high liqueur tolerance, but Tia had been drinking for hours by now.

        “Excuse me!” Said a high pitched voice.

        “Oh, Tia. Who knows? Maybe they could still make children.” Discord said, ignoring the voice. “I mean, I was able to pry Valkyr from Ex-Nyx for a moment to ask about it. She said she had a certain frame that would allow them to still have kids. I think Saryn? Something about her being an alchemist?”

        “But it’s not the sa-ha-haaaame!” Celestia whined as she hiccuped and nursed another shot of rum. “Nopony wants me, I’m so old, and fat, and-and Lulu was the one who was svelte and desirable! She was my only hope to have some sort of blood-foal to spoil~!”

        “Hello! Down here!” The unnoticed high-pitched voice called out again, summarily ignored.

        “Tia, you could always have your own child.” Discord encouraged. “You’re beautiful! You’re the envy of the world! Why, any stallion worth his junk would give his left nut to be with you!”

        “A-... are you coming onto me?” Celestia asked, barely able to put things together in her drunken haze.

        “... Can you even hear me?!” Came the voice again.

        “Tia, we’ve known each other for a long time, but even I shudder to consider the foals in such a case.” Discord literally shivered. “Imagine the Chaos! As fun as it would be, no.”

        “...Take me.” Celestia demanded, making Discord blink. “Take me now darn you! I’ve always hated your guts with some sort of seething disgust, and it intrigues me. I haven’t had ANY in CENTURIES, so now you’re going to break my dry spell you slithery serpent!” Celestia demanded as she grabbed Discord in her magic-.

        “YO! STOP TRYING TO RAPE YOUR BOYFRIEND AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” Came the voice again, this time actually getting Discord and Celestia to look for the source. “DOWN HERE DIPSHITS!” The two looked and saw a small black and gold Warframe looking at them both impatiently.

        “Aw, how cute!” Celestia leaned down and drunkenly said to the tiny humanoid figure. “A little toy that got animated with magic!”

        “FUCK YOU LADY!” The “toy” said, stomping, and surprisingly sending both her and the floating Discord flying across the indescribable room onto Discord’s marshmallow bed, moments before it turned into gelatin instead. “I’m not usually one to be so brutish, but when I am mocked, I refuse to let it slide.”

        “And who might you be, you diminutive Warframe?” Discord asked. “I can sense that you’re not usually so small...it’s like our world’s magic is pressing in on you from all sides, trying to force itself into you.”

        “I am Rhino Prime. Leader of the clan whose dojo is apparently in her bedroom, considering the decor and family portrait hanging over her bed.” Rhino Prime said, pointing to Celestia. “If ya don’t mind, I just have a few questions regarding this place.”

        “And those would be?” Celestia slurred, attempting- and failing- to get up.

        “Among things why someone I’ve been told so far is the ruler of a country is drunk, and WHY THE FUCK I’M SO LOTUS DAMNED SMALL!” Rhino Prime yelled in rage before glowing a golden color.

        “Hm….” Discord gestured for permission to pick Rhino Prime up, and after getting a shrug, Discord picked him up to look him over. “Well...I think this might be-.” Discord touched a golden wind-up key at the base of Rhino Prime’s neck, and suddenly, Discord was crushed harmlessly under several hundred pounds of pure Void-corrupted meat and metal. “-the probphlem….”

        “Oh, my key. must’ve missed a cycle, I’ll have to get Loki to lube that up again.” Rhino Prime now stood at a staggering ten feet, a whole foot over Rhino himself

        “... You’re sexy.” Celestia drunkenly said to Rhino Prime.

        “Does she always hit on other species when she’s drunk?” Rhino Prime asked, seeing a pattern in her behavior.

        “Eh, I’ve seen her hit on a chair, once.” Discord said. “Then again, it was a nice chair. Though, I’d like for her to NOT do that again.”

        “Mister Soft Bottom was a good lay….” Celestia mumbled as she started drifting off on the gelatin bed.

--]=====/

        Celestia awoke slowly, a pounding headache reminding her she’d gotten drunk for the first time in months, and her near eidetic memory reminding her she almost jumped Discord’s bones. Again. And something about a toy Tenno…. Wait. “BUCK! Where is-ow!” Celestia bolted up in her own bed, thanking her sister for it being night now, because just the movement set off her hangover in full-swing. “Why can’t I stop once I hit the Everfree? 190 Proof is the stopping point Tia...ow….”

        “So, you’re finally awake.” Discord’s sexy-annoying voice rang out like a church bell above Celestia, making her cover her wilted ears with a hiss, before her pain was suddenly gone courtesy of a snap of the Chaotic being’s talons. “None of that, I need you to see what you’re irresponsible actions have wrought.”

        “W-what?! Me? Irresponsible?!” Celestia demanded, affronted. Of all the things she’d been called in her long, long life, Irresponsible is one she hadn’t heard since she was a teenager, shamelessly flaring her wings for the stallions like a preening hen.

        “Yes, irresponsible. I swear Tia, you have the WORST timing.” Discord grumbled

        “CELESTIA!” Came a VERY loud voice from outside the castle walls.

        “GET YOUR FAT FLANK OUT HERE FOR THE CONCLAVE!” Valkyr’s voice screamed out immediately afterwards.

        “...The what?” Celestia got out of bed and exited onto her balcony, to have her breath taken away, her eyes wide with disbelief, and her very being to shudder. Taking up the entire yard, and hanging off of the cliff as if weightless, was a massive metal construct of alien design, seemingly shaped into a sort of tower that while resting on the yard/cliff, also floated. The damn thing was so huge it dwarfed the palace, Canterlot itself actually, no scratch that; it was easily as big as BUCKING MOUNT CANTER HORN! “There is no way….”

        “CELESTIA! I KNOW YOU WERE DRUNK, BUT A DECLARATION OF WAR IS A DECLARATION OF WAR!” Came the original voice again. Celestia looked down into the yard to see Rhino Prime. “AS IS CUSTOM FOR OUR PEOPLE, SUCH A DECLARATION FORCES US INTO CONCLAVE!”

        “...What?” Celestia asked more in disbelief than questioning what he was saying.

        “He means that-STOP TOUCHING ME VAL!-That you, your soldiers, whomever, must now face us in lethal zero-death combat to settle our differences-STOP TOUCHING MY BUTT!” Ex-Nyx jumped away from the grabby Valkitty, who chuckled demurely at her beau’s embarrassment.

        “I’ll give you one more chance to call it off Celestia.” Rhino Prime declared. “You’ve already refused three times in your drunken state. I’m only giving you another chance because you were drunk.”

        “We say Verily!” Luna suddenly teleported onto the field with Trinity. “From what Trinity has told us, twould be an excellent chance for our Guard to actually gain experience, and without dying! Propose we change it from War to simple fun? Huzzah!”

        “ACCEPTED! LET A FRIENDLY CONCLAVE COMMENCE!” Rhino Prime declared, getting all some thousand Specter-clones of Excalibur and others to cheer, making Celestia slump onto the railing.

        “Mother...why...why is this my life?”