Why Humans Shouldn't be Allowed in Equestria

“I know. Let's get out of here.”

The three followed me like puppies. “What's around here?” I asked them.

“You don't know?” asked one of the first two.

“No. Took the first train out. Didn't learn where I was going until a little while ago.”

“Then what are you doing, venturing this far out?” said the third one, in the tip-off voice.

“Starting again.”

“What happened?”

“The usual.”

“What do you mean?” That one earned a nasty look. It backed down. “S-Sorry.”

“Damn I want a drink.”

“What type of drink would you prefer? We will aid you however we can.”

“Booze.”

“I am unfamiliar with this 'booze' you speak of.”

“Saw that coming. Happy juice, the good stuff. Guess it really doesn't exist around here.”

“It would appear not. The nearest thing I can remember is a type of cider brewed locally. The recipe was adapted from Sweet Apple Acre's annual cider in Ponyville.”

Had nothing to lose. I didn't think it was what I wanted, but I was thirsty. “Sure, let's try it. I'm broke though.”

“Don't worry about it. We have a little, we owe you that much at least.”

So we headed to some place that looked like a weird farm. Everything was crystalline, angular. They each chipped in a couple of bits and came back with mugs of cider for all of us. “Thanks guys. Good to know someone'll be thankful.” I took a gulp of the stuff. It was interesting. Pretty good even. It was almost like apples, but not quite – must have something to do with the crystal-berry things they were growing there. It had a slight bite to it. Bite to it... I knew that bite. Holy shit...

They did have alcohol here.

It wasn't extremely strong, but it was enough of a kick to notice. Maybe five to seven percent. Regardless, it was a revelation. I knew I didn't have the cash to get drunk, or play on these guys to do it, even once, but I had a plan. It's amazing how quickly you can recover from something when a good idea comes up. Or I'm just a drunk.

“Do you know where I can get a job?”

“You are Nohbodi, the human who traveled into this world from the Canterlot experiment?” A pink-furred alicorn stepped up.

“Yeah.” I said before draining the mug. Then I blinked. Another alicorn? How many were there? Wait, Twilight said something about this one. “Cadence was it?”

“So you do know of me.”

“I know Twilight's brother is plowing you. Or was, one or the other.” She stopped in her tracks, or would have, if she was moving.”

“*Ahem* yes. If you wish to put it so crudely. Shining Armor is my husband, and we rule the Crystal Empire together. As leaders and representatives of the Crystal Empire, we wish to give you our heartfelt thanks at your actions. Many ponies' lives were saved due to your actions. If there is anything we can do for you, just ask.”

I looked at the empty mug in my hand, and attempted to drink that last drop. It never works, but it's always worth trying. “More of this.” I answered, holding the mug forward. “Lots more. And a job.”

“That is easily arranged. But tell me, how did you manage the crystals' aura?”

“Aura?”

“Yes. After Sombra's defeat, the remaining crystals decayed. Their residual magic is extremely dangerous to ponies. In all honesty, it's a surprise that you are alive after touching one.”

“So they're radioactive magic.”

“I... don't understand the specifics of your answer.”

“Can you fire an attack out of your horn?”

Cadence was confused. “Yes?”

“Shoot one at me.” I held out a hand. “Trust me.”

“... Very well. You understand the risks involved?”

“More than you know.” She fired a small beam, a really small one. It pulsed harmlessly off of my hand. Must've had her horn set on 'stun', thinking it would hurt. She was even more surprised.

“That's why.” I smirked. “Magic doesn't work on me. Even the strong stuff.”

“Then we may have an extremely important job for you, if you will accept it. It is quite dangerous. There are still clusters of shadow crystal within the Crystal Empire. Most are outside of our borders, but there are pockets of them within. If you are able to clear them from our realm, we will owe you greatly.”

“So long as it pays. Gonna need more of this first. I've got... things to forget...”

And so I spent the rest of the day blind, stinking drunk. I never did like getting faced, but it was better than the alternative.

Remembering.