Why Humans Shouldn't be Allowed in Equestria

“Urrrgh... Dammit...” I woke up mid-morning the next day with a record hangover. At least in my top five. I told myself I wasn't doing that again. I also knew that what I just told myself was a lie. De-crusting my eyes and looking around, I was in a room with crystal walls. That didn't tell me much – everything here was crystal. Let's see here... Crystal, crystal, chart, bed...

I was in a hospital. Again.

“Good morning, Mr...” a crystal pony – they looked different from Equestrian ones, another breed I guess – looked at the chart. “Nohbodi. You're very lucky to be alive right now. We found you unconscious last night. The effects of the shadow crystal exposure must have had a delayed reaction due to your unique physiology.”

He thought it was those crystals. They must really be dangerous to ponies, or at least the crystal ones. Didn't know if it made a difference to the others. “Heh, nah. I'm just hungover as hell right now. Another drink would fix that. Good cider though, probably the best I ever had.”

“Hung... over?” Wow, he didn't know. How can there be alcohol and nobody know what a hangover is?

“Seriously? Drink too much booze, get a hangover. It'll fade, but hair of the dog'll do faster.”

“Dog's fur?” Okay, that one I saw coming.

“Earth phrase.” The number of times I've had to say that's been going down a lot lately.

“What does this phrase translate to?”

“More alcohol to fix a problem caused by alcohol.”

“That doesn't make sense, Mr. Nohbodi.”

I mulled over the idea. Being in a completely different world makes you look at some things twice. “Can't argue with that. It doesn't make sense, but it works.”

“If you require additional cider to recover, I'm afraid that may be difficult. They are nearly out.”

“Damn, looks like I gotta wait this one out the old-fasioned way. When are they going to get more?”

“Approximately seven months.”

“What?”

The doctor explained the basics of the process to me. That cider was a choice reserve thing, culled from the best over the year here, from a specific stock of apples from the Apple farm trees they transplanted. They stored it away and brought it out as a seasonal drink. One of those things that all the locals know it seems. It's not as popular as in Ponyville, so it didn't run out day one. It was all tested before storage, so they knew it was good. Tested before storage... It's been fermenting in the barrel! That's why nobody gets drunk or a hangover, nobody drinks it for that purpose because it's too hard to get. Doubt anyone here had even though of 'let's drink a bunch and see what happens'. Now that I heard myself think it, it's less of a surprise.

Alcoholic cider is an accident. No one knew how to make it specifically to have it. Except me.

He mentioned Applejack being one of the ponies saving this place a couple of years ago. I heard some mention of Twilight and the gang being here and saving everything before. There's a recent history book with all of these adventures. That must be why Ponyville had the castle there. Probably also why the Crystal Empire is on close-ally terms with Equestria. One of those deals where the borders are for the map more than the country.

I asked about news from Equestria, but he didn't have anything. They must not have gotten the news about the laws yet. When everything goes by old style post it'll probably take a week to get to another country, even one on top of the list.

A knock on the door was followed by a nurse. “Doctor, is the patient able to receive visitors? We have three ponies who requested to speak with him.”

“Well, it would seem so. This is an unusual case.”

Anything to take my line of thought away from Equestria. Much longer and I'd be thinking about her. “I'm good. Send the guys in.” The nurse seemed surprised at my 'recovery'. The door opened further to allow the three in. It was the same changelings. “How's it going?”

“Pretty well. Thanks again for saving everypony. Sorry we couldn't do more for you.”

“You did more than you know. I got ideas from that, stuff that'll change the world, heh. When I get the money to start anyway. Soon as I'm out of here Cadence said there was a job cleaning up the rest of those crystals. Don't know what it pays, but I've had worse starts.”

“Shadow crystal disposal is an incredibly dangerous occupation. There are protocols and safeguards that fill a book, and that is merely to survive.”

I smirked. “Whatever it is, it's magic. I'm not here because I got sick from that, I'm here because I drunk myself stupid last night. I'll be fine in a few more hours.” It'd probably be half the day with what I did to myself. They looked on with awe.

“There is one more concern, you understand Mr. Nohbodi...” Here it comes.

“Hey, can I talk to them alone?” I directed at the doctor.

He thought for a moment. “Very well. If you feel your condition is changing be sure to contact us immediately.” Him and the nurse left, leaving me with the three.

“Let's get this over with. Feel free to change back if you want, just tell me what I want to know too.”

All three shifted back to the chitinous, black-and-green forms they were hatched in.

“You wanna know how I knew, right? It's the way that one spoke after the first two.” Pointing at the third, previously a crystal pegasus.

“My vocalizations were what informed you of our heritage?”

“That, and you were the only ones that didn't run home, or have someone waiting. You're a fighter, and you two were either spies or been here longer.” They were absolutely shocked.

“How could you tell?”

“Experience. How many of you are here? Three is a lot for one place.”

“Oh, there's a couple dozen of us.”

My turn for surprise. “Say what?” I thought for a while. I was missing something here. I didn't want to go on with it, I knew where it was gonna go. But something about me got their attention, and – like it or not – changelings were my people now. We're all varying degrees of outcast with weird powers. “Listen, let's finish this somewhere else. Someone's gonna listen in sooner or later.”

They assumed their usual bodies. The crystal pegasus, an Equestrian earth pony, and a crystal earth pony. I signed a significant pile of paperwork to get out. They must've needed protection in case I dropped dead from radiation poisoning or something. We all set out, and I followed their suggestion to a cafe. “Still public. What's here?”

“Most of us.” said the crystal earth pony. That answered a lot. There were enough to keep a subculture going here. We entered and she talked to the barista. The barista nodded and opened a door in the back of the place, behind the table. The three and myself went in, followed by a half-dozen others that picked up on some kind of signal. We found ourselves in a surprisingly well-lit basement, with tables and chairs enough for more than we had.

A dozen changelings shifted. One went wide-eyed, and rushed back out. A minute later all the tables were full. I didn't like the looks of this. I wasn't afraid of any magic, but even without it this many physical bodies could leave me in a bad state. I had burned out on my death-wish yesterday, at least for the slow painful kind. With a room full of changelings staring me down, I began. “That's a lot of changelings alright. Why are so many of you all here?”

The professorial one answered for the group. “After Chrysalis was thrown out of range of control, the majority of us were stranded. Those who had survived, at any rate.” A moment of silence pervaded the room. She continued. “When the Crystal Empire was rediscovered, many located within Equestrian borders fled here. The population had little memory of their own, due to Sombra's magic, and the outside nations none. Here, we could begin new, free lives.”

That's when I noticed it. They were, every one of them, nearly whole. “You're... in one piece. I mean you have almost no holes.”

“Yes. With no knowledge of us, we integrated into Crystal society easily. Many have found stable partners. We share the energy that is to spare with our less-fortunate brothers and sisters.”

“You can do that?”

“Yes.” It made a lot of sense really. The ones I saw before were starving and scattered. Can't share what you don't have. Keeping it spread out was probably the only reason that this place didn't make a queen first. “Now, we have a question for you.”

“How I knew? I'm only gonna say it once more, then you guys pass it along. I-”

“Not that.” I stopped.

“Then what?”

“How did you acquire the mark of a queen?”