Why Humans Shouldn't be Allowed in Equestria

“Small? Of course it looked small, it wasn't up!” That was a definite downside to the 'States. Everyone worried about their dick size, and porn was a freak-show. No legitimate frame of reference.

“Up?” she inquired.

“Up, out, hard, whatever you want to call it. Listen, Dr. Brain Pot-”

“Brain Pan.”

“Whatever it was. Names are weird here to me. He said something about a 'sheath'. Humans don't have one, for the most part. It doesn't disappear, it just shrinks. Probably the same as guys here, just not completely.”

“Oh, I see. Would it be possible – purely for scientific and anthropological reasons – to see-”

“No.”

“But, it's for science! Why not?”

“No physical attraction mostly. Also, I'm not playing with myself to force it in some... mad scientist's lab.”

“Mad? I'm not angry, I just want to see.”

Sigh. “Earth phrase. Pop culture thing.”

“Pop culture?”

“OK, you have to have the same thing here, just with a different name. You have TV here?”

“TV?” No big loss, it's been 99% crap for years.

“That's a 'no'. Movies?”

“Yes, but what does this have to do with 'pop culture'?”

“OK, if it exists here, I'm sure there's some popular ones, ones everyone's seen?”

“Well, not everypony of course, but many have.”

“Yeah, figure of speech. Anyway, they have a recurring character, or a running gag, or something like that?”

“Yes, many do.”

“And you mention that in another show, or a joke, and the audience gets it, right? They know where it's from and it makes sense to them?”

“Yes.”

“That's pop culture. Mostly entertainment, but slang words and other stuff fits too.”

Twilight's eyes lit up. “Oh. Ooh! A whole new field of study!” I think I opened a can of worms there. Most of the social studies on Earth ended with jackoffs trying to censor people for having different opinions. I straightened up in my chair, leaning back to pop my spine. With most of the ultimately meaningless stuff out of the way, I could get to business.

“My turn. How do I get home?”

Twilight froze. “We-um, well, I don't know.”

“...What?”

“A portal needs magic on both sides to work. It should've never opened on your world. It shouldn't be able to!”

“So this was a freak of nature.” Calling magical anything 'nature'. Didn't know what to think of that. “All I know is there was a huge thunderstorm on my end when it happened. Biggest lightning I ever... saw...”

“You know something about what happened?”

“That must be it! Lightning isn't magic-”

“It's magic here.”

“Still, it's not magic there, but it is a kind of energy. Energy's the closest thing we've got. There must've been enough of it to fake out whatever skips the non-magic worlds when you did that.”

Twilight jumped from her seat across from me (And some table that looked way too close to dissection-ready). “Of course, so all we have to do is recreate the level of energy, and-”

“Yeah, about that...”

“What?”

“You told me earlier that weather is magic here?” She had explained about pegasi and the weather earlier, it was just under 'unimportant shit'.

“Yes.”

“It's not there. Nothing is. Weather does what it wants.”

“So you can't change it?”

“Nope.”

“But for it to work we'd need an exact replication of the circumstances.”

“Not gonna happen. How good is 'close enough'?”

Twilight thought deeply. “Well, for every variable not accounted for, the odds of success decrease exponentially...” She held a pencil in her aura and scribbled down some notes, sliding the result to me. I couldn't read a damn bit of it. I tried to come up with a reasonable answer. Nothing. Fortunately for me, two others decided to bust up our little get-together.

“It's a changeling!” yelled a blue pegasus. Rainbow Dash, that was it.

“Eee-yup. Rarity told us about all'a this one.” said Applejack. I'd remember that one for reminding me that there are species I couldn't take on so easily.

“What has it done!?” Twilight cried, and jumped out of her seat into a battle-stance.

“Oh, ferfucksake.” I lamented. I got up and held a palm towards Twilight. “That's enough. You know she's with me, and I know she's a changeling.”

“They're under it's spell!” the pegasus warned, while Applejack pulled out a lasso from her saddlebags.

“I am...” Rainbow flew towards me. Time to test my theory. I juked to the side and grabbed a wing. Looks like I was right. She started veering hard to the left. I held on and let go when she'd done about a 180, flying straight into little miss Earth pony. “Sick of this shit!”

“I-I do not want to pay this 'hell'!” cried Aranea.

“Not for you. It's for the ones that mess with you!” That calmed her down. At least, as much as she could calm down in the situation. I turned to Twilight. “You're a princess. Call them off!”

“N-Now hold on everypony!” Both of them stopped in their tracks, save to untangle themselves. “Nohbodi, what do you know about this?”

“I know she's a changeling, and I don't give a rat's ass. What's all your problem?” I'm a bad liar on a good day, so I might as well finish all this now.

“The changelings attacked-”

“Already know that story. What's Aranea done?”

“Well-”

“What I thought. Fuck off, both of you!” I've had my bigoted moments, but seriously. This is insane.

Twilight stepped forward. “She's with him now. I don't understand it anymore than you do, but nothing's happened.” Real fuckin' subtle Twilight. Oh well, gift horse, mouth. I wasn't going to push it too much. I thought for a bit, and responed to them.

“She's under my protection, and watch, if it matters that much.” That seemed to calm the two down, if only on a relative level. Turning back to Twilight “So what's my odds of getting home.”

“According to this, approximately 1%. If you round up.”

“And if it doesn't work?”

“Probably separation of body parts invovled.”

“So, death.”

“If human anatomy is similar enough to pony, yes.”

“Make a portal. A local one. I wanna try something.” She obliged me. A small, silver-sheen floated slightly off of the ground in front of her. “Keep it open for a bit.” I thrust an arm though it. Or tried, anyway. The portal bent around my arm, creating a hole in the middle. “Shit. Of course it would do that here.” It's a one-way deal. If I repelled magic, I couldn't use it. Twilight scrabbled down calculations a half-dozen times more, and each time was the same result. I sighed.

“I'm sorry, Nohbodi. I don't know what to do now...” she whined.

I looked around and thought. I'll miss parts of home, yeah. But... a whole world. I couldn't rule it – not in the conquerer sense anyway, but still... There was a lot I could introduce to them. There was a girl here that would probably do anything for me. I could strong-arm the leaders, if I had to. I looked to Aranea “You are a legal citizen here, right?”

“Um, no. I am not a citizen of Equestria, according to the current law.”

Of course. Hopefully that wouldn't complicate things. I turned from her back to Twilight. “I need a piece of paper and a pen. Tell her I have my demands.” she proffered the items and I wrote down to visit us immediately.

“Spike!” she called out. A tiny purple thing came running a couple of minutes later. “I need this sent to princess Luna right away.” He breathed green fire at it, and it immediately disintegrated. I was pissed.

“What was that!?”

“Sending a letter.” Oh yeah. Crazy-ass magic here.

“How long does it take?”

“Not long at all.” She was right. The door rang, some sort of church bell-sounding echo rang across the whole place, even down here. Shortly after, The ponies (Save Twilight) bowed to Luna's entrance.

“Greetings, Nohbodi the human. You have stated your demands?”

“I have.”

Over the course of our mutual questions, I found out a lot. Terms for ponies that replace what I use, the countries they know. Most importantly, other species. Minotaurs, griffins, monsters like hydra. I couldn't get this place by force if I wanted to. So I was going to play it fair – or fair enough. I could make a fortune telling the ponies about some earth inventions. Especially the Earth ponies. They'd love me for leveling the playing field.

“Your terms are indeed agreeable. They are granted to you, and the debt of our duel is considered paid.”

“As it should be. Farewell, princess.”

The message was a simple one, written on ordinary parchment, though I wondered what 'parchment' was made of here, since it couldn't be skin like the old stuff historians found. No matter. Now I had a plan. I would stake my claim here, and make a name for myself like they'd never seen. Well, outside of alicorn. Like I gave a damn about that. The letter was simple. Three words would change the world.

“Citizenship for two.”