Chapters And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess
Chapter One: O, What A Fool Thou Art
“And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess”
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction by Wertyla
Chapter One: “O, What a Fool Thou Art”
The sky was a dark, ominous gray over the whole of Equestria, the wind howled in the trees and sheets of rain poured from the heavens onto the land below. It was late, some time after sunset, so the inhabitants of this land were all safe and cozy in their beds, with doors locked and candles snuffed. All were asleep but two sisters, who were two princesses, the most important beings in the country, or so they proudly proclaimed to their subjects. The younger one, Luna, an elegant sapphire blue alicorn with a mane made of stars, was off on her nightly duty, to spread pleasant dreams to the ponies resting in the houses below Canterlot Castle. The elder, Celestia, a swan-like figure in radiant white with a mane of flowing pastels, should have retired for the night, but had instead decided to take a relaxing stroll through the hallways of her vast palace.
Canterlot Castle glowed from within, a beacon of light high on a mountaintop that would have inspired awe in any pony who would care to glance at it from their window. Celestia delighted in projecting this motif. Her subjects must see from her and her living place only light, no darkness. They would expect nothing less from her as their deity, for she was the sun incarnate. She was not only their leader, but their supreme goddess, and although they did not pray to her, her name was only invoked in the greatest reverence. Though she did not create this world in which she reigned, all beings in it bowed to her. She had lived for over a thousand years and was confident that she was immortal and would rule forever.
She could not see all, however, and on this very night failed to notice a lone, haggard figure making its way steadily up the rocky, winding path that led to the castle. The pony was a withered old unicorn mare, so dry and gnarled that she looked practically mummified. A few locks of snowy white hair peeked out from under the hood of her thick black cape. She appeared feeble, and trembled with every step she took, and yet the wild storm raging around her did not seem to deter her in any way. For her, it was as though there was no foul weather at all. The mare moved at an unnatural speed. It took her mere minutes to cover a distance that should have taken weeks. She stood boldly at the gates of Canterlot Castle and cast a shrewd eye at her surroundings. Guards were on their watch at the usual places, and yet they did not see her. She was only seen when she wished to be seen, so to them, she was invisible. This did not satisfy her, however. Hers was a mission of the utmost significance and delicacy, and she did not feel that she could take even the most minor of chances. All risk must be eliminated.
“Thou stayest awake to earn thy keep,” came her quiet chant, “but thou growest weary and must sleep. Go lay down thy tired head, be as senseless of the world as one who is dead.”
Without a sound, the guards began to nod and sway, finally giving in to the magic that was overcoming them and falling unconscious at their posts. The old mare smiled at how easy it was to bend these ponies to her will, and laughed that they did not even know what hit them. She slipped past with no trouble and silently pushed the castle doors open. Light flooded out onto the dark entrance where she stood, and she stepped into it. Now to find Princess Celestia…
Celestia gave a heavy sigh, no longer content to pace up and down the magnificent marble floors of the halls and gaze at the ornate, hoof-crafted tapestries decorated with her mark. She entered the Starswirl Royal Library. Her currently most faithful student, one Twilight Sparkle, whom she had honored with the title of Princess of Friendship, was extraordinarily fond of books, so much so that Celestia would surround herself with them simply to see what all the fuss was about. She sat upon a velvet cushion and used her magic to levitate a book at random from the tall crystal shelves and open it in front of her. She read calmly for several minutes, and then something odd happened, which gave her a start. Words began to move on the pages, swirling and melting together until only two appeared. The book now read, “Look up.” Celestia gasped and lifted her head.
“I demand an audience with the princess,” the old mare said coolly, staring Celestia directly in the eye. A smirk tugged at the corners of her mouth, and as she noted the sun princess’s look of terrified astonishment, she could not help but laugh again. It was a coarse cackle that chilled Celestia to the core. “Do not seem so disturbed, Celestia. The common folk hath observed and expected that their leader showeth no fear. Thou art she, art thou not?”
Celestia rose, every muscle tensed. “Guards!” she called in a clear, powerful voice.
The old mare did not flinch. “Surely one as mighty as thou needeth not protection from a simple pony such as me?”
“Who are you and how did you get here?” Celestia boomed. Her horn lit up in a golden glow as she prepared to strike at any perceived attack, but this magic faded in an instant. What? She thought, how could this be? I have more magic than any unicorn or alicorn in Equestria!
The mare looked smug. “I prefer to answer thy questions in reverse order. It was simple to get here. Thy guards slumber. They hath proven themselves weak. Perhaps they ought to lose their positions, or possibly their heads. It hath been many centuries since thy last execution, hath it not, Celestia? Art thou growing soft? Too tender to reign as thou saith?”
“Times change, my mysterious intruder,” Celestia growled, “and with them, I change.”
“Very little, I see,” the mare replied. “Only enough so that thy subjects do not question thee. Thy punishments hath grown lenient, for thou saith thou art merciful. Still, thou livest as thou always hast. It hath been always for thee. This was promised to thee from thy birth.”
“You delight in archaic language and cryptic speech, but whatever point you are trying to make you are failing in showing to me. You have still told me nothing about yourself. Speak clearly, you hag, or begone!”
“When I considereth thee, I asketh of myself, ‘What significance hath I? What significance hath any being in light of such supremeness?’ I come here not to speak of myself, but only of thee. Thou art a divine being, all-powerful and almighty. Thy dominance in the world of ponies hath spanned over a millennium. Thy very presence causeth the strong to grow weak in thy honor, and all enemies tremble before thee. Thou hast known nothing else, and thou hast become complacent on thy high and sparkling throne. Thou hast never cast an eye upon a creature that hast not heard of thee, and thou hast banished or destroyed all who would not submit to thee. Thy will is law. To question it is heresy. This hath been thy life and thy everlasting legacy.”
“Surely you have not come here just to give me praise.”
“I needest not, Celestia. Thy subjects hath done so countless times. I desire to remind thee, o mighty being, that thou art a pony. Thy memory is as clear as thy crystal in matters of state, but in remembering thyself, thou also forget. Thou knowest in full measure what aspects of thyself command worship and love from all those who adore thee, but thou must know that thou art imperfect. Thou art blind not only to thy flaws but to the struggles of those simple, common ponies thou may deign to call thy loyal subjects. Thou acknowledgest their presence, but thou dost not know them. Even thy own sister, who hath spent a thousand years banished from them and thee, is more aware of their way of life. She gazeth into their dreams, but thou knowest nothing.”
Celestia’s cheeks burned with anger. She felt oddly ashamed, but could not identify precisely what she had done to cause this guilt. The princess convinced herself that this old mare was full of nonsense, charging her only with vague criticisms that could not possibly be proven. This pony was clearly a threat to her and to the Equestrian state, and must be dealt with in the proper fashion. Celestia calculated her moves. Her magic would not come to her defense, which greatly disturbed her. How did the hag gain the ability to disable one who must wield many times her power? In the many ages of her reign, Celestia had never seen anything like it. Was this form only a disguise, a glamour designed to fool her into thinking that her foe was benign? Was this pony some villain she had battled with before?
“Reveal yourself, you wicked spirit!” she cried, desperately attempting to hide her growing anxiety. A drop of sweat ran down her brow. “What are you, a demon? A beast long since banished to the darkest depths of Tartarus?”
“If I camest to thee from Tartarus, Celestia, wouldst that not indicate a weakness in thy security? Of course, I hath already shown that there is. Thou seemest powerless now, but all the more when I am finished with thee.”
The old mare grinned malevolently, flashing her yellowed and worn teeth at the princess. Her horn hummed like the rumbling of the thunder outside and exploded with energy, suddenly bursting ablaze. She would take joy in this, the fulfillment of her grand plan, the most important moment of all, the casting of the spell that would change a goddess forever. The fire roared above Celestia’s futile protests and crept slowly forward. The princess turned and made a break for the door, but the flames surrounded her, sealing off any escape route she may have had. She spread her large, luxurious wings and rose off the floor, but quickly choked on the thick, black smoke that swallowed her air.
“You will never get away with this!” Celestia coughed. “My sister… my guards… my most faithful student… Tartarus, even my niece… They will get you. I will not die, but I will be avenged!”
The mare replied calmly in a magical chant. “Thou art correct that thou wilt not die. Of my reasons to do this, to kill is not why. Mine is more hellfire than fatal blaze. ‘Tis meant to show thee the error in thy ways. O, what a fool thou art; I open thy eyes! Thou shalt receive an unpleasant surprise! I giveth not death, but a different life. Thy existence shall be with poverty rife. The moon shall still glow and thy precious sun shine. To live amongst thy ponies, this fate is thine!”
Celestia screamed as the rising inferno enveloped her. She could feel the heat eating away at her very being, melting her royal gold and jewels off of her body and nipping at her horn and wings. She felt suffocated, her speech stifled, and heard one last thing before her world faded completely into darkness. The old mare chattered with a victorious air, and let loose another cackle into the princess’s weary ears.
“One thing else that I may warn thee,” she taunted. “I hope that thou shalt look upon this as what thou calleth a ‘vacation’, and as well a ‘learning experience’. Thou shalt encounter many ponies different from thee, and yet quite alike… and they shall not call thee ‘princess’!”
With that, everything was gone for Celestia.
END OF CHAPTER ONE
And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess
Chapter Two: Evidence of a Conflagration
“And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess”
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction by Wertyla
Chapter Two: “Evidence of a Conflagration”
“Sister, I’m going to bed!” Princess Luna shouted into the air as she lazily floated into the halls of Canterlot Castle. “You can go raise the sun now!” She waited for some reply, a sleepy groan or a sound to indicate that Celestia had confirmed her sister’s request and was off to start her daytime duties. Silence reigned. That’s odd, Luna thought. Did her alarm clock break? Did Fluttershy finally talk her into that aviary alarm and the birds aren’t chirping loudly enough to wake her up? It should be sunrise, but the sun and its princess are nowhere to be found!
A cream-colored, middle-aged unicorn stallion made his way slowly down the hall, his nose pointed firmly in the air to show that his rank was superior to that of most other ponies, though he was but a servant. Fortunately, Luna was taller than he, so he saw her standing in his path before a collision could occur. His gray eyes peered questioningly through small, round spectacles when he noted the princess’s concerned expression.
“Is all well this morning, Princess Luna?”
“I fear not, Kibitz,” was Luna’s solemn reply. “Perhaps I worry for nothing… Have you seen my sister today? Is she at breakfast? Does she have indigestion or something?”
“No, princess,” Kibitz answered. “I have just returned from a week-long stay in Neighagra Falls and I am afraid that I have not been watching Princess Celestia as closely as I normally would. Let me check my watch for you. Perhaps you have returned to the castle early.”
“You do not seem to be wearing a watch, Kibitz.”
The servant turned around to display his flank. “It is on my cutie mark. Do you note the pocket watch image? It is not simply a picture; it is fully functional and even sets itself automatically for Daylight Savings Time.”
“So, ponies can check the time by staring at your butt. That’s… interesting.”
“I tend to carry a real watch for show, as some ponies do not find this the most illuminating information, but my flank serves as a trusty backup, much as I serve you, princess. Now then, let us see… You are correct, Princess Luna. The sun should have risen precisely seven minutes and thirty-five seconds ago.”
“Alright, then. Where is it, then, and where is she who raises it?”
“I do not know, princess. Shall I send a maid to check her bedroom?”
“Please do, Kibitz, and get the royal guard to scour every inch of this place! It is not like my sister to fail in a role so vital to harmony in Equestria! I am sure that our fair country’s inhabitants will notice it quickly. I expect to be hearing soon from Princess Twilight Sparkle. If she arrives at the gates, tell the guards to admit her and any friends she may bring. They are to report to me.”
“Yes, Princess Luna,” Kibitz replied, and, bowing low, scurried off to carry out his orders.
Luna spread her wings, and taking advantage of a fresh, inviting gust of air blowing in from the window, took flight. She circled the magnificent palace several times, scanning it from high above and close up. Glancing into each window and receiving a few protests of “Peeping tomcat!” and “Are you pulling that eternal night trick again?!”, she satisfied herself that Celestia was not present anywhere on the grounds. Then, movement visible in the corner of her eye drew her attention to the castle gates, where Kibitz and several bulky pegasus stallions in gleaming armor appeared to be having an argument. She made a gentle landing between them.
“Hey, what’s all the commotion over here? Kibitz, explain.”
“I believe these guards wish to apologize to you, princess,” he told her quietly, throwing them suspicious looks as he did so. “Do you not wish to say you’re sorry, stallions?”
Their only answer was a muddled chorus of irritated shouts and frantic gestures. Every guard tried to explain in his own way what had occurred, and the stories of accidents and “he did it”s and “no really, it was like this”s came in torrents. Luna began to boil. Didn’t their mothers teach them to speak one at a time? Honestly, they are acting like a bunch of ill-behaved colts!
She held up an authoritative hoof. “SILENCE!” she boomed loudly enough to echo across all Equestria, and lightning came down from the starry skies. The guards’ tongues froze in their mouths, the gesticulating ceased, and their wide, fearful eyes now stared directly at their princess.
Kibitz, as unflappable as ever, sighed in calm disgust. “That was all I could get out of them, Princess Luna. They were completely incoherent and I am not even sure they know why they were all found asleep on the job.”
“They were WHAT?”
“It was not our faults, princess!” a gray, blue-maned stallion announced. “I mean, we didn’t mean to! At least, I didn’t mean it! It has never happened before and never will again, I swear to you! Not one of our guard has struggled with the night shift! We’re night owls like you! Perfect for our duty!”
“Oh? Then how do you recount and account for last night?”
“Well…” the guard began, looking down to his hooves in hesitation, “I suppose there’s not much to say. I remember standing by the gate as I always do, and then I became really tired out of nowhere. Then, I must have fallen asleep, ‘cause the next thing I knew was Kibitz sticking his big, bushy moustache in my face and yelling something about your sister and what a lot of lousy workers we were for not doing our jobs.”
“Thank you,” Luna replied coldly. She turned to the other guards. “Did any of you see him go to sleep, or any of the other of you?”
“No, ma’am,” a white, blonde stallion piped up. “I think all our stories are exactly the same. Last night, I saw one of them swaying, but I was so sleepy at the time that I couldn’t help but drop over myself. We must have all fallen down at the same time!”
“Huh!” Luna exclaimed. Gears turned in her keen mind as she considered her employee’s testimony. “This is significant information. If it had happened naturally, you would have gone out one by one. Ponies don’t just fall asleep in groups. Dealing with dreams is a large part of my own responsibilities, so I know this as a certifiable fact. It was somepony’s intention, then. I suspect that you were either the victims of a magic spell or heavily drugged. Did you see any funny-looking fog or a gas-like substance on your shift? Did any pony or another creature come to the gates?”
“No, princess.”
“No, ma’am.”
“Nope.”
“Nothing out of the ordinary. There was nobody and nothing there!”
“Disappointing,” Luna said with a frown. “This makes the knave so much harder to catch. Oh well, regardless of how it was accomplished, you were all put to sleep, then presumably a suspicious, malicious figure was able to sneak into the castle unnoticed and do harm to my sister!”
“What being could have such power as to overcome Celestia?” the white stallion asked. “Pardon me for bringing up a touchy subject, but you weren’t even able to do that yourself all those years ago when you were Nightmare Moon.”
“No offense taken,” Luna grumbled.
“In addition,” the gray stallion added, “don’t you think somepony would’ve heard her calling for help? She isn’t the type to go quietly.”
“Is it possible…” the white stallion murmured, contemplating whether he should even dare to suggest his idea, “... could it be that she did this herself? She certainly could have cast a spell on us and flown off secretly. Do you think… Did Celestia maybe run away?”
Luna’s eyes widened. The thought never would have occurred to her. How would it look to the sun princess’s loyal subjects for her to simply up and fly off on a whim? Why would she do such an extreme thing? It would be a neglect that could lead to the ruination of Equestria. The whole notion was preposterous, Luna decided. Princess Celestia was probably the most mentally stable pony in Equestria. The fortitude of even Applejack, who was famed for her hard work and tenacity, paled in comparison to Celestia’s millennia of constant service on the highest throne in all the land, air and sea. Luna had been in close contact with her in the days leading up to this and had not noted that her sister seemed particularly disturbed. Is she hiding something? No possibility must be dismissed until it could be disproven beyond a doubt.
“Kibitz, you say that you have been on vacation for the past week, but before that, you were serving my sister faithfully, yes?” Luna inquired.
“That is correct, princess.”
“I know you to be a very observant pony, so would I be accurate in assuming you are in tune with her moods?”
“I would like to think so, princess.”
“Then, do you think that Princess Celestia has been particularly melancholy as of late? Has she exhibited any strange behavior? You must know of any changes to her schedule. Has anything stuck out to you?”
Kibitz bowed his head. “I am sorry, but she seemed to be as she always is. She rules supremely and serenely. I cannot give you any of the information you seek.”
Luna sat down in a huff and crossed her front hooves across her chest. “Phooey!”
The group shared a momentary silence. All theories seemed to be exhausted. They all mourned the loss of their princess, and shuddered with the thought that anything bad could happen to a supreme deity. What could this mean for the fate of the country? This news surely had to make them reconsider the nature of their reality. If Celestia can fall, no living thing is safe. There must be a force out there more powerful than she, and it had proven itself evil enough to extinguish Equestria’s brightest light. This had to be an end-of-the-world scenario.
These grim reflections were thankfully interrupted by the arrival of the rescue squad, the harmony brigade, those great and courageous knights of friendship: the ponies representing the Elements of Harmony. The team of six consisted of Rarity, a white, violet-haired fashionista of a unicorn with a particularly generous heart, Pinkie Pie, a bouncy, bubble-gum pink earth pony with a gift for making others laugh, Rainbow Dash, a swift, daring blue pegasus with unfaltering loyalty to her friends and country, Fluttershy, a kindly, timid yellow pegasus who spent most of her time hiding behind her rosy mane, but who possessed a strength often underestimated, Applejack, a sturdy orange earth pony with a thick, blonde mane and a pleasant, honest country manner, and the leader of them all, who was Princess Twilight Sparkle, a brilliant purple alicorn with a talent for magic, who had been Celestia’s prized pupil since her days as a unicorn schoolfilly.
“Princess Luna!” Twilight exclaimed, bounding up to stand before her fellow royal. She reached into a space behind her and pulled out a hoof-full of charts, star maps and scientific notes that she had apparently all made earlier in the morning. “I have been studying with the utmost assiduousness the positions of each of the stars, the intensity and angle of the light entering my astronomy room, and the relativity of the precise times at which the moon shines most brightly, and I have reached the conclusion that daytime should have broken, the sun should be up, and it isn’t, and therefore something catastrophic has happened to disrupt the balance of the universe!”
“Ya coulda figured that out just by lookin’ at tha clock and out tha window!” Applejack pointed out. “My rooster sure was confused this mornin’. He thinks he should be gettin’ up and gettin’ all us up, but the sky’s still dark!”
“I am not sure if there’s a gentle way of breaking this, but…” Luna started, “Oh, what the hay. Celestia’s missing.”
The team gasped in unison. Twilight turned deathly white. “Oh, no. Oh no no no no no no! No! I can’t do this! I can’t… I can’t… I…”
“Snap out of it!” Rarity cried, delivering the necessary slap to the face. “What can’t you do, dear?”
“Isn’t it obvious?!” Twilight’s pitch rose sharply. “Celestia’s gone! That means that somepony will have to take over her role and it’s probably going to be me! I mean, after all, she’s been grooming me for power all my life and maybe I didn’t even notice at first because I thought she was just going to teach me how to be a good magician but then she had to go and give me wings and make me a princess and give me a big, fancy title and… Oh my Celestia! She’s gone and made me a goddess and I can’t do it and I’m going to mess up everything!”
The other ponies simply stared. There was an awkward silence, and then Twilight released the breath she had been holding in. She gave a nervous giggle. “Or maybe I’m getting just a little bit ahead of myself. Maybe that’s not it at all.”
Luna cleared her throat. “Well… then… You’re the ones she always calls when something is afoot. Do you have any suggestions as to how we proceed?” She grumbled under her breath a bit about some of her sister’s less attractive habits and how the only monster Celestia ever bothered to defeat herself was her own little sis.
“Have you searched everywhere you can for her?” Rainbow Dash asked, and received a confirming nod.
“I believe there is something you have missed!” a new voice rang out, and the ponies turned to see a new servant gallop into their midst. “Look in the Starswirl Royal Library!”
“We get to go to the LIBRARY?” a thrilled Twilight gasped. She was immediately hushed.
“Yes, princess,” the servant told her, “There is something really odd in there. We can’t figure it out. It’s like… ash everywhere.”
This news received horrified and confused glances from all present. Luna ordered the new servant, Kibitz and the guards to return to their duties, promising to tell them the outcome of the investigation when the time for it was right. Then, she led her six eager heroes deep into the Canterlot vaults, where the special library was kept. Sure enough, every inch of the place, floor, walls, ceiling and shelves, was blanketed in black.
“Oh my,” Fluttershy whispered to her company, “It makes everything look so… dark.”
“Wowee!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “There’s just so much of it! We could have a powder party! I think I’d rather do that with baby powder, though. It smells much nicer and the Cake twins just love it! Or how about baking powder… or… ooh! Powdered sugar! The rush from it will last for WEEKS!”
“Let’s not get too distracted,” Applejack said. She gently lowered her hoof into the substance and found the bottom about an inch down. “Tha floor looks burnt. Help me dig, girls.”
“Put my hoof in… THAT stuff?” Rarity shrank back with revulsion. “It’ll stain my pristine coat forever!”
“It’s either that or don’t solve tha mystery and find tha princess! Yah’d do it for Celestia, wouldn’t ya? After all, ya can just think of it as an excuse for long bubble bath or day at tha spa or somethin’. I dunno about ya’ll, but I think I’ll use mah tail as a broom.”
The ponies dug and swept until a dark, round patch about twice Luna’s size appeared on the floor. Everything around it seemed undamaged. Twilight noted that every book on the shelves would be as good as new with a simple dusting. Another book lay near the patch, however, that caught her attention. She levitated it and desperately tried to wipe it clean, but the pages were reduced to ash.
“It’s dead!” she sobbed. “Who knows what invaluable knowledge it could have contained? It could have been the only one of its kind! It’s lost! It’s lost!!”
“Shouldn’t you be crying like that over Celestia?” Luna warned, bringing the purple alicorn back to the matter at hand.
“We cannot say for sure that she is dead,” Rarity countered. “Aren’t the two of you immortal?”
“Technically, yes, but we can be… destroyed.”
Twilight wasn’t listening. She scraped the ground thoughtfully with her hoof, grunted sagely and rubbed her chin. “There is definitely evidence of a conflagration.”
“I dunno,” Applejack said. “I’ve seen a lotta fires in my time and it looks more like one’a them to me.” Twilight opened her mouth to speak, then thought better of it.
Rainbow Dash hovered over them to get an aerial view. “It looks like something exploded.”
“Ooh, I know!” Pinkie Pie burst out. “What if Celestia was in here reading last night when an old witch who was a great big meanie and didn’t like her came in and cast a spell on her?!”
Twilight dismissed this with a wave of the hoof. “Oh, please, Pinkie. You have such an active imagination! That can’t possibly be it. Judging by the proximity and condition of the book, which we now cannot read because it’s utterly and tragically ruined, I am going to propose the theory that our dear and most sincerely beloved leader was reading about a combustion spell, accidentally spoke it aloud and triggered it, and thus blew herself up!”
Another moment of silence reigned. Applejack decided that she wanted a final confirmation before giving herself over to grief, so she turned to the teary-eyed Luna and asked, “Can y’all do that? Blow yerselves up, I mean?” Luna nodded, and so Applejack calmly removed her brown stetson hat, held it to her heart, and they all mourned together. Little did they know how wrong they were.
END OF CHAPTER TWO
And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess
Chapter Three: A Place to Spend the Night
“And They Shall Not Call Thee Princess”
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction by Wertyla
Chapter Three: “A Place to Spend the Night”
Celestia woke up in a cold, hard place. Every muscle ached and her head felt as though it had been stuffed with cotton. She felt bare and wondered where her thick fur blanket had gone. It must have fallen to the floor, she thought. As she groaned and stretched, she remarked to herself that she ought to buy a new bed. Her mattress was made of Equestria’s most expensive silk, hoof-stitched shut with golden thread and filled with the downy feathers shed by pegasus foals as they grow into older fillies and colts. It had served her well for the past few years, but the fluff must have become crushed over time, because it felt nothing now like it did at the time of its purchase.
She lifted a weary hoof to her face and rubbed vigorously until she felt more awake. A wide yawn escaped her lips and the active hoof missed its target and stuck firmly in her mouth. “Pfffbbbbtllll! That’s dirt! Wait… My hoof is covered in dirt? This isn’t the mud bath stuff, either!”
Her eyes widened in confusion, letting in the bright sunshine that flooded the scene. She thought, ah, it burns! I did not command the sun to be lit this intensely! It must be lowered and dimmed immediately. One cannot do this without arousing suspicion from my subjects, however. Many of the ponyfolk complain when the sun isn’t in its proper place in the sky. They say they need it to be precise and predictable for their sundials or some such nonsense. Perhaps I can make an exception today. I do not feel well.
“KIBITZ!” Celestia bellowed. “Kibitz, what time is it?!” Her voice rang out clearly and loudly, but no response came. She could hear the words echo faintly across the landscape, and then came the realization that she wasn’t in a bed at all. She wasn’t even in her comfortable palace! This was somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, a desolate desert decorated with nothing but rocks, cacti and a lonely railroad track that wound its way across the sands.
Celestia rose to her hooves and brushed herself off, and as she did so, she noted that her golden hoof guards and royal jewels were absent. Then, she recalled that she had been caught in a supernatural fire which had taken them from her. No need to panic, she thought. More can be made. My budget is limitless, and if need be, I may force the crafters to recreate them for free. All must bow to my supreme authority. Now, I shall simply cast a teleportation spell and go home and everything will be as it has always been. Did the old hag really think she could punish me?
She closed her eyes and concentrated, expecting to feel the warmth of her magic on her forehead as her horn glowed and performed the necessary task. There was nothing this time. She squeezed her eyes more tightly shut and tensed until every muscle was strained beyond its limit. She held her breath until she was red in the face, and then until she turned blue, and she thought about the spell with all her glorious might. Still nothing.
“Need a laxative, lady?” an unfamiliar voice called out.
The startled princess gasped and relaxed, and, drawing herself up to her full height, which somehow seemed to be shorter than it usually was, she thrust her nose into the air and gave a look of icy contempt to this commoner, this weakling, this mere mortal who had dared to make her seem so undignified. The pony in question was a young, blue-eyed earth pony mare with a dull red coat and a wavy mane of unremarkable brown color. She did not seem at all fazed by a glare from her superior, and stared back puzzledly. Finally, after an awkward silence, Celestia spoke.
“What nerve have you, insulting your princess in such an egregious fashion?”
“My what?”
“Your princess! Surely you do not fail to recognize that I am Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun, regent over the moon, and ultimate leader of all ponykind for more eons than any feeble peasant can count?”
“Doesn’t a princess have to be an alicorn? You know, a pony with a horn and wings?”
“Are you blind?!”
“I don’t think so. Are you?”
“Certainly not!” Celestia declared. She reached a hoof to the top of her head, expecting at any moment to make contact with the hard substance that made up her horn, but only succeeded in mussing her mane and making herself look even more disheveled than she had been already. Her indignant expression turned to one of shock and confusion. She moved the hoof down and behind her, feeling around the whole of her back for a pair of feathery wings. “Where are my horn and wings?! I must be an earth pony! My mane and tail… They aren’t flowy and sparkly anymore!”
The mare before Celestia seemed uncomfortable, her untrusting gaze fixed unwaveringly in Celestia’s direction, and she stood frozen in place, debating whether to stay and help this poor mental case she had surely encountered or run the other way as fast as her legs would carry her. Finally, after much deliberation, she took a heavy sigh and extended her hoof.
“My name is Sweet Simplicity… Celestia… Whoever you are... I live in a village about a mile away from here. You look like you could use a cup of tea and a sit by a warm fire. How about coming home with me?”
Celestia did not know how to react to this. First, she took the offer as an insult. She asked the mare, “Do I look like one to be pitied?”
“To be honest… you look kind of like a hobo.”
Celestia could not bear the suggestion. It made her livid. She turned bright red once more and began to open and close her mouth like a fish. Try as she might, however, she had no clever zingers to refute the pony’s argument with. No hard evidence, either. She looked down at her body. It was small, its fur scraggly and streaked with dirt, and its skin discolored with bruises, which suddenly began to ache as she noticed them. There was no horn. There were no wings. She carried no clothing or bags with her. What in Equestria did the hag do to her? Was there no way to confirm her identity? Perhaps if she could tell the pony where she came from, she would be sent back and offered sympathy, cures and professional massage therapy.
“How far away am I from Canterlot Castle? Do you know how to get there?”
Sweet Simplicity cocked her head and began to reconsider. Obviously, this Celestia pony was a raving lunatic, imagining things that did not exist. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Maybe you should take a rest in a proper bed.”
“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’? How did you ever pass Geography class as a filly?!”
“I did well enough. Please… I beg you to come with me. You’re not going to be helped by spending another night on the streets and being stubborn.”
Celestia was amazed. She thinks I’m homeless, she thought, and I cannot prove I’m not! I have no idea where I am and this ignorant mule of a mare hasn’t even heard of my palace. She seems plain, but not overly stupid. Is this some other universe? Could the hag possibly know mirror magic? I know that it can be used to create a portal to that place with the tall, weird-looking ape-things, but are there other pony universes out there, just waiting to be explored and conquered? This information could change everything, but I cannot use it to my advantage until I escape from this miserable state. I suppose I have no choice but to go with her.
“Very well, then,” Celestia assented. “Let us to your carriage.”
Sweet Simplicity was more and more struck with her newfound companion’s strangeness. Does this pony seriously mistake herself for royalty? “I don’t own one, Celestia.”
“What? You said you live a mile away. How are we supposed to get that far?”
“We walk. You are strong enough, aren’t you? I’m not sure I can carry you on my back.”
“I am stronger than all of the ponies in your village combined. Of course I can walk. It’s just… I’ve grown accustomed to be chauffeured by my guards.”
As they began their journey, Sweet Simplicity began to wish this mare would stop talking. It was unsettling to hear her babble on with wild tales of luxury and grandeur. It was nothing that Sweet Simplicity had ever experienced herself, having come from a family of humble birth, but she was convinced that Celestia hadn’t either. Yet, she told these stories so well… Perhaps she was an author who had fallen upon hard times, and it drove her mad to the point she could not tell fiction from reality. Whatever had happened to her, she had to be mad. That was clear enough.
Sooner than Celestia had expected, a cluster of tiny houses and shops came into view. She commented on their quaintness, a term that made Sweet Simplicity wince. I would think that after being alone in the desert, the humble earth pony told herself, any kind of civilization would look like the greatest thing that ever happened. This mare is divorced from reality. What do I do with her?
Celestia gazed into the windows of trinket shops, general stores and clothing outlets and muttered quietly to herself. Suddenly, her regal violet eye landed upon a mannequin dressed in a tan-colored hooded cape decorated with a clasp of disturbingly familiar design.
“Aha! Do you see that? There is my cutie mark on that article of clothing! How can that be if I am not a pony of importance? If I am not the princess of the sun, why is there a ‘soleil’ on my ‘derriere’?”
Sweet Simplicity gave her a blank stare. “I didn’t take Prench classes in school.”
“It means I have a sun on my butt.”
“Oh… I assumed it was because of your sunny personality.”
“Is that sarcasm?”
“Perhaps,” Sweet Simplicity shrugged. “Actually, I don’t tend to go around with my eyes on other ponies’ rear ends. I didn’t notice what your mark was until you brought it up.”
“Insolent filly,” Celestia grouched.
Sweet Simplicity, a pony of great patience, choose to ignore this remark, as well as all others before it. She looked at the worn-out, suffering pony in front of her, and then beyond that pony and to the skies. The real sun was lower now than it had been when she first discovered Celestia, and taking this into consideration, she saw the opportunity to do a good deed. She reached behind her and pulled a few bits into her hoof. They were counted carefully, then she glanced back at the store window and then to Celestia again. Yes, that would work perfectly.
“Hey, I know you don’t like me very much, but can you listen for just a minute? There will be a big temperature drop outside come sunset, and I’m worried about your health. Why don’t we go in and I’ll buy you that cape? You seem to like it and it will keep you very warm.”
Celestia was silent for a moment. This took her genuinely by surprise. She considered complaining that it would be beneath her to receive charity like some common beggar, and then a cool gust of wind blew through. Her mane and tail rippled until it passed and she shivered.
She sighed. “I am not in a position to argue with you. Let’s get it, then. Follow me in.”
The former princess mustered as much dignity as she could and proceeded into the store with as much grace as her hurting joints would allow of her. A burly brown unicorn stallion manned the register, and cast an inquisitive glance at his new customer’s shabby appearance. He searched through his mind for something tactful to say, and eventually came up with, “I’ve never seen you before. New in town? Just visiting maybe? You a friend of Sweets here?”
Celestia’s coldly proud facade fell apart instantly. She stamped her hoof and screamed, “What IS it with these ponies?! Does not one of them know who I am? This is not what I meant when I told my sister I wanted to project an air of mystery!”
“Hush,” Sweet Simplicity whispered in her ear. “Use your common sense! We don’t want to cause a scene.”
“COMMON sense?!” Celestia repeated, amplifying the words like a megaphone. “Common sense is for common folk, which I most certainly am not. I am a divine being, no matter what you tell me. I insist it! Just because you deny my deity does not make it any less real!”
The cashier motioned for Sweet Simplicity to come over to him. When she was sufficiently close, he spoke in a low voice, “Where’d you pick this one up? Does she need… Should I call somepony professional with a big needle and a straitjacket to come take her away?”
Sweet Simplicity desperately shook her head. After taking a glance back at Celestia to ensure that she was out of hearing range, she replied, “She’s delusional, but harmless, I’m sure.”
“I don’t know if I’d be so sure if I were you. The pony’s jabbering something about being some ‘Princess Celestia’ I’ve never heard of and it looks like she really believes it.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know that. Look, just let me buy that cape in the window. She won’t shut up about how it looks like her cutie mark. Take my bits and I’ll take the cape and we’ll leave and be out of your mane, okay?”
“Alright then, but don’t blame me when she does something stupid. Ponies like that need to be watched for their own good.”
Sweet Simplicity nodded and “mmm-hmm”ed to everything he said, slapped the money down onto his counter, nodded and “mmm-hmm”ed to everything Celestia said, grabbed Celestia by the tail and rushed out.
“How dare you pull upon my royal person?” Celestia hissed as they made their way through the streets of the calm little village.
“No pony of my status throws a tantrum like that when somepony we’ve never met before doesn’t know who we are. In fact, it would be kind of creepy if they did know!”
“Isn’t there something you’re known for around here, if not noble birth?”
“To my friends and family, probably, but I don’t go around proclaiming myself to random strangers I see just hanging around!”
“If one is important enough, one does not need to proclaim. One simply is and is recognized by the masses.”
Sweet Simplicity was growing tired of this conservation. She took the cape in her mouth and tossed it over Celestia, much to the latter’s protest, and forcefully fastened the clasp. “There. Why don’t you wear this over your pretty princess head and be anonymous for a while? Think of it as going incognito. Don’t celebrities do that sometimes? I can get you some sunglasses tomorrow to complete the look if you want me to. Your wish is my command.”
“Without me,” Celestia said, becoming solemn, “there will be no tomorrow. You scoff, but it is true. The sun rises and sets on my watch because of my magic. No magic, no sun, no tomorrow. It’s that simple.”
“I see… Then how do you explain that the sun rose today without any action from you, and it is now beginning to set without your permission? Where I come from, it does so all the time. It’s how nature works. Nopony can control it.”
Celestia removed her hood and gazed high above herself. The heavens stretched before her in rainbow glory, slowly fading over time from a shining gold to a rusty red to a cool twilight blue. This was a point that she had to concede, no matter how difficult it was for her to accept. She tried to imagine a world that could govern itself without pony help. Did this concept extend to the seasons and animals as well? Did winter wrap up itself in this world, and the autumn leaves fall from the trees of their own accord? Did the birds hunt for their own worms, the squirrels for their nuts and the rabbits for their precious carrots? Is it possible, she thought, that it could have been this way all along in her own world, but her pony race had, in their lust for full control of every aspect of life, taught and forced nature to be dependent on them?
“This is completely new to me,” Celestia said quietly. “It’s all very overwhelming. I want to go to bed. How much longer until we get to your house?”
Sweet Simplicity stopped for a moment and pointed her hoof at a modest wooden house that had emerged into their view. “See that one? The one with the little garden out front? That’s it, Celestia.”
The former princess was shocked. “That miserable little shack? You mean a pony can actually LIVE there?”
Sweet Simplicity sighed. “I have all my life. It isn’t much to you, maybe, but I have grown to love it. It has all I need, after all. A bedroom, a bath, a kitchen, a little gathering room with a fireplace, and even an outhouse in the back! What could you say… I suppose it has a kind of rustic charm.”
“I see no guards.”
“There are none. The closest thing I ever had was my dog, but he died a few years ago. Don’t worry, Celestia. I’m pretty sure nopony is going to try and break in. There isn’t much to steal, and nobody’s out to assassinate me or anything. At least I have a lock. That makes it safe.”
The pair approached the front door, which was no grand, gilded, gated and jewel-encrusted beauty, but simply a large plank of wood painted red, with a brass handle and lock attached. It was ornamented only with a plain brass knocker. Celestia was skeptical. “And you want me to sleep here?”
“I keep a foldable cot in my bedroom closet in case any guests come for a sleepover. I’m guessing it would be too uncomfortable for your… royal tastes… though. My bed isn’t much better, but if you’d prefer that, by all means, I can use the cot tonight.”
“It’s a veritable log cabin,” Celestia muttered.
Sweet Simplicity put a comforting hoof on her companion’s shoulder, looked kindly into her eyes and gave a caring smile. “It’s a place to spend the night,” she said quietly, hoping that Celestia would realize the gravity of her situation and the necessity of any kind of sleeping place.
Celestia straightened her posture, gave a haughty flip of the mane. and proceeded to the handle. She answered, “Tonight, your house shall be honored with my presence.”
“Thank you,” Sweet Simplicity whispered.
END OF CHAPTER THREE
