Two Background Ponies Revisit Season Five

Rarity Investigates!

As soon as the doors in the rear of the Royal Canterlot Courtroom opened, everypony went silent. The bailiff immediately stood up on all fours and made the proclamation.

"All rise for the Honorable Princess Celestia."

Swallowing a bit, Sam Listens-To-Carl's-Problems rose with his attorney, Haybeus Corpus, nearby from their table, along with everyone else. In walked Princess Celestia, appearing rather cross with her normally fluttering mane a bit moussed and sagging. She took her position on the bench and was seated, prompting everypony else to sit down.

"Let's get this over with..." She muttered aloud. "Court is now in session. Sam Listens-To-Carl's Problems v. the Nation of Equestria for the crime of murder."

A little later, after the opening statements, the first witness had been called to the stand: a stallion with oversized glasses making his eyes roughly the size of his head, and a Cutie Mark that was a huge set of eyeballs. The DA was slowly pacing back and forth in front of him.

"Please state your name for the record."

"Peeping Tom."

"Now, Mr. Tom, I have the understanding that you are the most observant pony in all of Ponyville."

"Well, I don't like to brag," He chuckled. "But I do have all-seeing eyeballs for a Cutie Mark. And I've been run out of town four times now for gossip."

"Now, were you present on the night of 11th when the incident occurred?"

"Yes sir. Everyone in town was having the same dream."

"And did you see the defendant in the dream?"

"Yes sir."

"And what did you see?"

"I heard a loud yelling from him, shouting at his green stallion friend, and when I turned to look he was swinging a rifle around and aiming it at his head. I looked away soon after because my mailbox was trying to eat my foot, but I heard a loud gunshot, and when I turned back a moment later I saw the green stallion go down and the defendant look shocked."

"And did you get a good look at the Cutie Mark of the victim?"

"Yes sir."

"What was it?"

"A Find-the-Difference picture."

"Thank you." The DA turned away to go back to his chair. "Your witness."

With a rather loud creaking and groaning, Haybeus rose from his own chair and began to lumber forward, taking the moment to stretch his suspenders...one hoof at a time, of course.

"Now, Mistah Tom...ya' say you were havin' the same mass dream on the night of the 11th." He formed a jovial grin. "Awful crazy night, weren't it?"

The witness blinked, as if unsure that was a question or not. But after Haybeus stayed silent a while, he moistened his lips. "Um...yes...yes it was."

"All sorts, ah say, all sorts o' tomfoolery and shenanigans and ruckus all up and about that night, weren't it?"

Again, the stallion was uncertain. "Um...yes. Yes sir."

"Why, ah reckon that place was nuttier than grandma's feline in a whole patch o' catnip. And ah'm sure ya' saw lots o' strange things. Ah don't suppose ya' happened ta' see ol' Big Macintosh, did ya'?"

"As...as a matter of fact, I did."

"Ya' don't say?" Haybeus laughed. "Ah guess it only figured, being every one of the folk in town bein' in that dream. Now what, ah say, what did ya' happen to see ol' Mac doin'?"

"Well...to be honest...he had...uh...er..."

"What's that son? Ah'm ah trifle deaf in mah old age. You'll have ta' speak up, sonny boy."

The witness cleared his throat. "He had...um...turned into an alicorn princess."

The big lawyer burst into a hoarse laugh. "Ha-ha! Well butter mah butt and call me ah biscuit! An alicorn princess! Whoo-hoo! Now ah done seen everythin'! Ah gotten see that fer mahself!" Immediately, he turned to the audience. "Hey son! Yeah, you! Our own Big Macintosh out there in the audience! Wah don't ya' stand up and let me get ah good look at yer horn and and wings and crown! Now don't, ah say, don't be bashful!"

Blushing in embarrassment quite a bit, keeping his eyes on the ground, a single red stallion stood up out of the audience. Immediately. Haybeus leaned in next to the witness.

"Say now, ah say, say now, Mistah Tom..." He reached up and adjusted his glasses. "Somethin', ah say, somethin's wrong with this picture. You just done told me that Big Macintosh turned himself inta an alicorn princess. But ah don't see no wings, no horn, and no crown on 'im. Are mah glasses more outta shape than a politician's spine 'r what? Tell me, ya' see any of those things?"

The witness grimaced a bit, but then shook his head. "Um...no, I don't."

"Oh, ya' don't. Say now, did ya' just commit perjury ah moment ago, son? That be a federal offense, ya' know."

"No, it's just..." He trailed off.

"Just what? Speak up, son. You're mumblin' more than ah filly with her mouth full o' shoo-fly pie."

The witness swallowed. "...It was just because that was in a dream."

"Oh! Oh really?" The lawyer boomed loudly. "So it was all just ah dream, was it? It was all just a little ol' magical girl transformation that never was, was it? All just in your head, eh boy? Well then...what's ta' say that you didn't just go 'bout imaginin' and supposin' that ya' saw mah client pull no gun on no stallion?"

The witness looked rather sheepish now. Celestia raised an eyebrow. In the end, Peeping Tom shrank in his chair.

"Well...nothing, I guess..."

With a loud smack, Haybeus slapped his hoof against the banister. "No furthah questions, yer honor!"

A while later, there was another eyewitness on the stand. This was one who claimed to have actually seen Sam shoot Carl and not just heard it. As before, Haybeus sauntered up to her.

"Good aftahnoon, ma'am. Ah understand ya' had quite ah' shock back at yer homestead."

The mare on the stand hesitated, but then gave a nod.

"Ah'm sorry, ma'am. Could y'all speak up fer the record?"

"...Yes, yes I did."

"Wah, ah heard yer whole two-story retirement cottage done come ta' life, grew big ol' teeth longer than a 80-year-old crocodile, and just started runnin' about snatchin' up ponies like they was corn fritters. Is that rahght?"

"Yes...yes sir."

"Ah even heard at one point, yer house done snatched up ol' Filthy..."

"Rich!" A voice shouted from the audience.

"...And threatened ta' eat 'im up faster than ah greased-up jackrabbit. Wah, only reason he's even still here is 'cause ah kind-hearted mare done come along and gave yer house ah big ol' pony bite. Issat rahght?"

The mare grimaced at the memory, and nodded. "Yes...yes sir."

Haybeus nodded. "Mmmhmm..." Suddenly, he reached into his overalls and pulled out a picture. "Yah honor, ah'd like to submit this as Exhibit C." He said as he brought it forward and held it out to Celestia.

The alicorn was absent-mindedly fiddling with her sagging mane, but shook her head and looked to the photograph. She blinked in confusion. "Um...counselor, this is just a picture of the corner of a house..."

"Correction, ma'am. It happens ta' be the corner of the witnesses' house." He stepped forward, leaned next to the witness, and showed her the picture. "That be your house, rahght, ma'am? Mah eyes 'r as warped as a frog in a pickle jar."

The witness took a moment to blink in confusion at that simile, but then shook her head. "Um...yes, yes it's my house."

"It is?" Haybeus answered, sounding stunned. "Why, lordie, lordie, ma'am..." He adjusted his glasses. "Ah don't see no teeth marks in it. Wah, ain't that right where that mare had ta' sink her choppers? Right inta' the foundation?"

"Well, yes, but..."

"But there ain't no teeth marks! She had ta' have left ah mark in yer big ol' house ta' make it leggo, don't ya' say?"

"Yes, yes, she had to..."

"But there ain't none here now. Wah, yer house is in better shape than ah water marker on a November Monday."

"...I'm really confused at that one-"

"So doesn't that just go ta' show if it happened in ah dream, it don't necessarily mean it happened in real life, ma'am? That jus' 'cause you saw mah client fire ah rifle at the victim, that didn't necessarily translate inta' reality? That maybe somethin' else did 'im in surer than ah Maltese doorknob on a warthog's snout?"

Severely confused at the similes at this point, the mare could only shrug helplessly. "I...I guess...?"

Another hoof slam. "No furthah questions, yer honor!"

Finally came the big one...

"Now...ah'm sorry, ah must be gettin' senile in mah old age... What's yer name again, young missy?"

Princess Luna narrowed her gaze. "...You know full well who I am, Haybeus Corpus. I was in your dreams earlier this week giving you a cautionary message about your love of chicken-fried steak leading you to having a stroke in the next year."

"Just state it again for the record, young ma'am."

Luna's gaze narrowed. "...You don't have to jump in on this, Celestia..." She sighed. "Princess Luna."

"Now, in yer testimony, Ms. Luna, ya' said, ah say, ya' said you allegedly saw mah client kill his friend with ah' rifle."

"...There's no 'alleged' about it, Mr. Corpus. I saw it with my own eyes. And being an alicorn, my testimony is legally four times the weight of an earth pony or pegasus and twice that of a unicorn."

Sam blinked at that. "Wait a sec...."

"Shore was quite ah' night, Ms. Luna." Haybeus went on, ignoring Sam and moving in. "Quite ah mess with that there Tantabus critter y'all whipped up..."

Luna grimaced at that. "...Yes, but I was able to stop it, and the town forgave me both for that as well as Nightmare Moon."

Haybeus nodded. "Shore, shore, ma'am. Of course they did. Hell, the whole damn town showed up ta' lend ya' ah' hand in sendin' that there unholy varmint back inta' the depths of yer tortured, black soul..."

The princess grit her teeth a bit at that.

"Hell, everypony came out ta' help ya'. Everyone from Berry Punch all the way ta' Mayor Mare... Got ah whole bunch of rahght good helpful folks rahght in Ponyville!" He boomed. After that, he paused and looked a bit confused. "Although...ah couldn't help but notice ah certain someone missin' from all that..."

He rubbed his chin and looked back to Luna.

"Ah certain older sister, ta' be precise... One who, ah say, one who probably should'a been the first ta' respond ta' somethin' as awful as her kid sister torturin' herself with ah nightmare o' her own creation..."

Luna's pupils shrank a bit at that. As for Celestia, her own look darkened.

"Now...was she there an' we just didn' hear 'bout it, ma'am?"

Luna paused a moment, but then looked to one side. "No."

"No what?"

"No, she wasn't there."

"Aw, shucks." The lawyer answered. "Well, ah'm sure she just had more important royal business ta' take care of. Her bein' the Princess of Equestria an' all. Although..." He continued to muse. "You're ah princess too last, ah say, last time ah checked an' ya' seem ta' find time..." He chuckled and shook his head. "Ah, ah'm just thinkin' harder than ah diesel engine jumpin' rope. It ain't like this happened before...like when she wasn't there ta' help reintraduce ya' ta' Ponyville..."

Luna shrank a bit at that uneasily.

"Or when she failed ta' wake ya' up fer that big ol' weddin' in Canterlot after ya' spent all night watchin' out fer it..."

Luna began to quiver as she stared intensely at a spot on the floor.

"Or the past couple Grand Gallopin' Galas where she didn't invite ya' ta' either one..."

Luna quivered more as her teeth began to clench.

"Ah'm sure that ain't nothin'. Ah'm sure ya' don't want just the teeniest, tiniest big o' revenge fer it...like, ah say, like fer example..." The lawyer leaned in. "...Trumpin' up charges 'gainst mah client and schedulin' the trial on the day o' yer sister's monthly perm with them big, fancy Canterlot stylists who are normally booked solid and'r the only ones who can get, ah say, can get her mane just the way she likes it!"

A unified gasp from the audience. Celestia herself went wide-eyed and looked up in shock, then glared at Luna.

"You didn't!"

Finally, Luna broke and wheeled to her angrily.

"I'm gone for over a thousand years and you have yet to invite me to anything with you! You never even ask me over for dinner! And then you try to blame me for forgetting the gift to that wedding in Ponyville! You even forgot your checkbook so I'm the one who had to write it at the last second! And you still owe me 100 bits for that, by the way!"

"And I told you to get it from Twilight Sparkle before you left Ponyville!"

As the rest of the courtroom went into an uproar, Haybeus cackled in glee and returned to his chair.

As dishonest as a lot of this seemed, Sam was feeling a bit better. It was starting to look like he might just walk out of this a free pony. At any rate, it took an hour recess, but everyone was finally calm again and Celestia had composed herself and sat down at the judge's bench again. Taking a deep breath, she looked again to the DA.

"Mr. Trotter, do you have any other witnesses before you rest your case?"

"I do, your honor. I call to the stand...Rarity."

Both Sam and Haybeus looked up in surprise on hearing that, and the crowd murmured a bit in confusion as well. As Celestia banged her hoof for order, however, the fashionista white unicorn, dressed in an attire of a noirish "stool pigeon" strolled through the aisle, batting her eyelashes at a few of the stallions, and came up to the stand to take her seat. At once, the DA came out and stood before her.

"Now, Ms. Rarity."

"Miss Rarity, please." She coyly answered.

Turning a bit red-faced, the DA pulled at his own tie. "...Miss Rarity, it is my understanding that you encountered both the defendant and the deceased at your boutique two days before the incident."

"Yes, I did."

Immediately, Haybeus stood up. "Objection, yer honor. There are, ah say, there are all sorts of green and blue ponies in Ponyville. Why would mah client and his friend be goin' to a ladies' boutique?"

Celestia turned to the witness. "Rarity, have you anything to say?"

"Well, I don't know why they were there, but I know for sure they were." Rarity responded. "They didn't buy anything or talk to me, but I distinctly remember it was them. You see...I distinctly remember one of them had a lapis coat. Not a blue coat, mind you, but lapis. I know that well because it's the exact same shade that was all the rage ten years ago in a line of neckties made in support of the Las Pegasus Coast Guard. And as far as I know..." She pointed a hoof straight at Sam, making him cringe. "He is the only stallion I have ever met with a lapis coat. As for his friend, I distinctly smelled an odor from his mane that was four parts oats and two parts meal. Now there are only two places you can get a mane conditioner that's four parts oats and two parts meal. One is the tacky, cheap, bottled conditioners that are present in Equestria's chain of Campton Inns. The other is a therapeutic conditioner for head lice in small foals."

"Let the record show the deceased's nephew was being treated for head lice in the same shower that he used," The DA spoke up. "And that the deceased was too lazy to buy refills of his own shampoo and conditioner, leading him to take whatever was in the shower whenever he felt like it."

A silence lasted over the court. Haybeus swallowed, and sat down. "...Ah withdraw mah objection." Once seated, he turned and whispered to Sam. "Ya never told me ya' were inta' women's dresses..."

"I'm not!" Sam shouted in a whisper back. "Carl insisted on going in because-"

"Now, Miss Rarity," The DA cut off. "Did you pick up on their conversation?"

"Yes, yes I did."

"What was the conversation about?"

"The green one was complaining loudly about how all of my latest fashion styles always seem to coincide with something that is going to happen that week. Such as the time I made a cape with too many sequins that were too bright the very day the Breezies passed through Ponyville. Or the time I just perfected my latest 'Camouflage Couture' just as the Great Dragon Migration took place. Eventually the conversation turned to saddles."

"Saddles, ma'am?"

"Yes. He seemed to wonder why ponies in Equestria incorporate saddles into their attire at all, as if we were waiting for something to get on our backs and ride us around. He went on about it for some twenty minutes while the defendant looked like he wanted to leave. Eventually he started to grow quite irate."

"Do you recall the last thing the defendant said to the victim?"

"Yes, yes I do. I remember it perfectly."

"What was that?"

"He said: 'Carl, it's a good thing none of those 'dream killings' I read about are real, because if I could ever go into the same dream as you I'd get a rifle and blow your face off.'"

The audience gasped and began to murmur, making Celestia again slam her hoof up and down for order. Sam had turned rather 'cerulean' at this point as he swallowed. Haybeus, on his part, leaned in near him and whispered uneasily.

"You're gonna fry."

About three hours later, the door to Canterlot Boutique opened up, and in walked Rarity, humming a bit to herself as she moved to the mannequins in the front to remove the ensemble she had worn to the court. The manager quickly stuffed away the book she was reading, ("How to Kill Your Boss and Inherit Their Business, Making It Look Like an Accident, in Five Easy Steps"), and immediately walked up to meet her as she entered.

"Zippers and zithers, Rarity. I don't-"

Rarity suddenly looked to Sassy with a puzzled expression. "I beg your pardon, but...what?"

The Trottingham mare sighed. "I can't think of a clever one each time I say that." She muttered. "As I was saying...I don't see why you had to take most of the day off."

"Oh, pish-posh, dear. Being hired as an Expert Witness is so much more profitable than sewing. I can afford a few fashion disasters with the bits I socked away after today. Which means I can afford to unveil my new line a bit early..."

After replacing her attire, she used her horn to pull aside another curtain, revealing what looked like a series of rather skimpy teenage high school student outfits.

"I was inspired by that low budget horror film I saw the other night. I call it...Slasher Swank! Feel like a victim...en vouge! What do you think?"

Sassy began to grimace a bit.

"I...think I'll be redeeming my PTO over the next few days."

So Carl...

...

Carl.

...

Here we go again...CARL!

What'sDiscorddoinghere?! Huh? What?

...Carl? What'd you just say?

...What?

You just said something that sounded like 'what's Discord doing here'?

...Did I...Did I...?