Chapters Where there is one, there is always another...
1 - Starting a 'new' life.
Hmmm... well this is interesting... A student of Celestia's taking an interest in supposedly old wives tales?
Well I should probably introduce my self, I am Ubuze, That means Void, the thing(s) that I have absolute power over, much Like Discord and his childish Chaos... Still a bit painful that memory.
I suppose you're wondering who I am and what I'm doing. Well to answer the who I would have to go through some boring history lessons... to answer the what I'm doing? well I'm just watching as always. These ponies can be quite entertaining if you know where to look!
Lavander coat? ooh thats rare, Twilight sparkle... I wonder if Celestia knows what Coat colours mean?.. Probably not.
"Oh don't worry Uncle Uby, She'll just LOVE LOVE LOVE my parties!"
"Oh dear, it seems that talking about her summons her." I say, then clamp my claw over my mouth
"Yo-you don't want me here?" Pinkie sniffled
"What! No! its just that there some confidential stuff in here and you aren't allowed to look at it. Imagine it as if it was Celestia's Diary, Ok?"
"Okie Dokie Loki!"Pinkie bounced, leaving my chamber...
I'll never know how she learned to control the Chaos Magic Discord gave her family...
"Spike, we're going to Ponyville tomorrow to be the official Summer Sun Celebration-" Said Twilight
"Checklist duty? aww man!." Spike interupted
"What do you mean Spike? This is perfect! We can quickly make sure it's all as it should be and then prepare for Nightmare Moon!"
"You still believe that story? It's just an old mare's tale Twilight, told to scare kids into behaving and that!"
if only he knew... Well I might as well go to Ponyville anyway, been a long time since I stretched these old bones and Pinkie will probably recognise me on site, better to get there before Twilight though...
Ponyville, two seconds later.
"Okay, I've messed with the towns records and created myself a house near the Everfree." (The last natural place on the planet, and I'm going to keep it that way).
"The path to the house is done, plumbing, electricity and heating are installed. Furniture is all in place and made of the finest stuff the Void can make, it's registered under 'Watcher Pie'."
Now to shift my form into it.
Now to practice walking on two stumps with no control over how it lands on the ground. oh this is going to be painful.
*SMACK* "attempt #142 at jogging failed, try try try try again."
With my... training program out of the way I summon saddlebags, both with my cutie mark on it, and fill them with $400 copper, Iron and bronze bits (Copper bit is $1, Iron is $10 Bronze is $50, Silver is $100, Gold is $500, Platinum is $1000). I then head into town, going to Sugarcube Corner, where my niece works! [Note: Pinkie is my niece in name, as I have always been there for that family (ever since the great uniting) they eventually adopted me in, I am there biggest secret because they all know I'm immortal, AND THEY DIDN'T CARE!!!. just, that was very touching, truly there are some amazing people in this world.]
When I arrived at Sugarcube corner it was one pm... the rush hour...
"Hey there Uncle!" Shouted Pinkie, snapping me out of almost making a... mistake... yea a mistake... Everyone turned to look at me, i'm guessing they didn't know Pinkie even had an uncle...
"Watcher Pie is my name right now sweets." I whisper, then say. "Hey Pink! How ya been since.. How long has it been, Four years?"
"I'mGreat!HowAreYou?WhatAreYouDoingHere?AreYouMoving?DidSomethingHappen?!" She babbled, The gasped for breath.
"I'm going as well as a stallion of my age can hope, I'm moving in yes and my house is near the forest, A bit south of a cottage with a load of animals, and no, nothing happened, I just wanted to move." I say, without having to breath "Oh and you should probably get back to work, you are still on the clock after all!"
"Okie Dokie Loki! I'll come back and we can talk more after the rush Ok?" She says
"Of course! Wouldn't want to miss out on quality time with my tied for favourite Niece!" I say back, then settle back down, watching the other ponies as they start to whisper.
"He's her uncle?"
"She has an uncle?"
"I thought she was an orphan?"
"He's so old though! If he's her uncle then how old is her dad?"
I go back to browsing through 'cameras' and stop on the statue of Discord, sighing I turn away from it and go back to listening.
Then a prismatically haired... Tomboy Struts up to me.
"Has she ever talked about her family? Pinkie doesn't really spend much time talking about herself if I recall correctly, She's just to generous to others do that." I say bluntly.
"Well no... But that doesn't mean we wouldn't have seen you in the pictures of her family in her room!" she says... She is digging way to far into this to be sane.
"You were in her room? Does that mean that My little Pinkie has a marefriend? And that you had premarital se-" She slaps her hand over my mouth, blushing madly.
"N-nonono we are just friends we've just had sleepovers is all, now then back to the-" she was interupted.
"Okay uncle My shifts over! Now I can show you around town YAY! said Pinkie, "Oh and don't worry, I know you don't like parties so it'll just be a small one with my main friends, This is Rainbowdash, then theres Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, She's the one who lives next to you in the cottage, Then theres Mrs and Mr cake, and thats all! Just a small get together okay?" she asked, not really asking.
Knowing that she was only making it small for me was touching, to say the least, and I instantly agreed.
"Okay Pink, and that you for making it small."
"Anything for family, silly!" she giggled.
Where there is one, there is always another...
2 - Socialising and Rules
First it was off to Fluttershy's, I'm guessing it was because she's my neighbor... Or because Pinkie just wanted me to meet someone unbiased to other species... Probably a mixture of both.
"FLUTTERSHYYY!" Screamed Pinkie into my ear
"Huh, wha, shmallo ahapn penk" I mumbled, disoriented and wondering whether my ears had exploded again.
*rIiiiiiiiing* I could see Pinkie saying something and a creamed-butter yellow pegasus saying something back. but I couldn't for the life of me hear-
"Are you ok Uncle Uby? I'm sorry about the ears." Said Pinkie. Well my hearings back at least.
"It's alright Pink, It was an accident, Just try to be more careful around this ol' stallion eh?" I joke, noticing Pinkamina coming back out.
"Umm, who, who are you? If you don't mind." Said Fluttershy, I could barely hear her over the remaining rings in my ears.
"This is my Uncle, Watcher Pie! He's the Bestest Uncle Ever! He even owns that house that just got built over there!" Said Pinkie, I could tell she was completely guessing about that being my house specifically, but she was still right.
"It is very nice to meet you miss?" I say, bowing and kissing her hand lightly, causing her to practically glow red.
"oh i'm uhh, Fluttershy, It's very nice to meet you." She said, her blush going down slightly.
"Wanna come to His housewarming party? Huh huh? Do ya?" Said Pinkie. I know for a fact that she knew what was happening... dammit.
"Try that again and I'll Invite the whole town Uncle." She whispered to me... Ok none of that while she's around I get the message.
"If it wouldn't be much trouble I'd love to come!" Fluttershy Whisper-exclaimed.
"See ya there then, Pink is gonna introduce me to her other friends so I do apologise for the time wasting, You little.. Rabbit is looking quite mad, You may want to show him your dominance..." I mused allowed, while excusing us.
As we left Pinkie turned her head, narrowing her eyes at me.
"No flirting with Flutters unless you mean it, Got It?" She said, being serious... I guess Fluttershy must be soft-hearted.
"Very well My Dear, I won't flirt, but that doesn't mean I won't act the gentleman. And you should know that I would be able to let her down, while making her feel good about it." I say.
"Didn't you tell me you made that girl cry last time?" She deadpanned.
"*sigh* It was for the best and you know it, besides she found love, His name is Shining Army or Armoury or something." I retort, though it would have been good to be with someone who is an Immortal she had another destiny and I was a mere cobblestone in her path. (Poetic I know).
"As long as you know what your doing it's fine with my other friends, just not Fluttershy." Said Pinkie.
We arrived at a place that was so frilly, there was definitely a sex dungeon or dead people in the basement.
"We're here! The Carousel Boutique, Where everything is Chiq, Unique and Magnifique!" said Pinkie, snapping me out of my wonderings.
"Well my shame was lost as soon as I saw this place... Let's knock!" I concluded, nodding my head at my flawless logic. I, of course, knocked the old 'Shave and A Haircut'
"I'll be just two bitutes, Come in and make yourself at home!" I heard a singsong voice say, with an obviously fake accent (To me at least)... she got extra brownie points for working two bits into her words.
"Okie Dokie Loki!" Said Pinkie, opening the door and bouncing in, then waving me inside when I hesitated.
It was a normal house on the inside, i mean, the living room had obviously been renovated into a tailor's workshop, but apart from that is was just like any other... that you see in Canterlot.
"Pinkie dear? is that you?" I could hear her coming down the stairs
"Yepperooni" Pinkie replied "And I have somepony to meet you!"
"hmmm? and who is this mysterious stranger be?" As she said this she walked into view, an astonishing sight I assure you (I still prefer Celestia).
"Rarity meet my Uncle Watcher Pie! Uncle Watcher meet Rarity!"
'Hello Mr Pie, to what do I owe the pleasure?" said Rarity, obviously not knowing my character, as it were.
"Oh thank you darling, and, forgive me for my rudeness, but why hasn't Pinkie mentioned you before?" Rarity asked.
"I tend to wander from place to place, and I've exhausted my Wanderlust for now, so I'll be living in ponyville from now on, A 'base of operations' as it were." I said, chuckling
"Yup yup yup*, Uncle Watchers going to be living off his retirement by the forest! And guess what?! No don't Guess!" Said Pinkie, amusing us. "YOUR INVITED TO HIS PARTY! Well, more of a get-to-know-each-other gathering but you get the point!"
"And at what time should I arrive Dear? I need to look my best after all!" said Rarity
"How about six thirty? The party starts at seven so it'd be fastidiously early!" Said Pinkie.
"It's fashionably early dear," corrected Rarity, "and six thirty it is!"
"Alrighty! I guess I'll see you again when you arrive, until then Miss Rarity." I say, ending with a bow.
"Yes you will dear." Said Rarity, shooing us away with her hand, Presumably wanting to go to work
Ten Minutes Later, Sweet apple Acres Dr, Ponyville
"Lollipop lollipop Oh lalalalala Lollipop *POP*" We sang, arriving at the entrance to a grove of appletrees... So many that Johnny Appleseed would have a heart attack.
"So this is Sweet Apple Acres?" I say as we arrive at the 'driveway' with it's own street-name.
"Yep! Come on Uncle, wouldn't want to keep them waiting!" Said Pinkie, bouncing ahead
I shook my head and replied "All right all right, I'm coming." I started walking after her. "Wait, did you say them?"
Author's Note
*Reference to a certain little dinosaur. hint: Her brother's name was spike and her actor is dead, Yup yup yup.
Where there is one, there is always another...
3 - Peculiar Ponies and Pooped Party Ponies
"Run run RUN!" I shouted as we waddle-sprinted away from the farm, the ~~Clan~~ Orchard of Apples chasing after us, Grannies, Mothers, Fathers, Grandfathers, Opa and Oma's, and Cute, Little, Adorable, Foals. IT. WAS. TERRIFYING.
"Ohhh, I don't think I could ever eat another Apple product if it was the last sweet on Vita. And that's saying something!" Pinkie said, as we laid down, and let out a ginormous belch, one that shook the very earth to its core, and swelled the ocean, sending the planet into mass hysteria while toppling mountains and de-stabilising magic... OK so it wasn't that big but even Discord couldn't match a burp that big.
"Well... Wow. How much air did you need to make that beast of a belch?" I asked her.
"All of it." Deadpanned Pinkie, then burst out into a fit of giggles, I joined her high pitched giggle-fit with my own laugh.
"And what are y'all laughin' about now?" Said Applejack, appearing from behind the very tree we were leaning on.
"What? You mean you didn't hear that gargantuan belch of preposterous proportion.
"Eh, wasn't that big, Ah've seen Big Mac blow the front door off it's hinges before, hell of a laugh we got from that, 'specially when he got the belt from Granny for it. Didn' laugh in his face o' course. We woulda gotten a beltin' too" Said Applejack, beginning to cackle.
Thats... well sibling rivalry i guess? either that or the Apple family is more messed up than I saw when i 'glanced' at them.
"Hey, did we even get to tell you about the party in all of... that?"
"Lemme guess, it's your welcomin' party?" Said Applejack, raising her eyebrow
"Yeperooni! It's at 7 tonight, bring Granny Smith if you could, tell her that Watcher Pie's there." I replied, smiling wide and bouncing up while making my mane poof a bit.
"That's... is He where you get that from Pinkie? and why invite mah Granny?"
"Yeperooni!" Said Pinkie, smilide wide and bouncing up while making her mane poof a bit. "And his names Uncle Watcher!"
"Please, just call me Watcher, it would be odd if you called me uncle, and Granny and I are old friends." I said, smiling in that kindly-old-person sorta way.
"Well alright, where is it gonna be?" Questioned Applejack
"My home was just built in between your farm and Fluttershy's Cabin so if you just head in that direction you'll spot it, no problem."
"Ah'll be there." She said, closing the conversation.
"Alrighty then, Oh and tell her that my nickname is Ubuze, that might jog her memory if she forgot me." I said, just in case.
"Ah'll tell her. Ya'll have fun."
As soon as Applejack was out of earshot Pinkie asked me
"Doesn't telling Applejack your name negate the hiding, and how are you and Granny friends, she's only like, Eighty!"
"I said it was a nickname remember? and Granny smith is over five hundred years old," I said, nodding my head, "And dont change your birthday plans, people would start asking questions if they knew how old she was." I said, as i saw her pull out her quill and ink.
She slowly put them away saying,
"Pinkie, if it was important everyone knew then Celestia would have told them, They are friends after all, And before you ask, no. Celestia is not actually over a thousand, She's only four hundred and eighty six, Granny Smith taught her how to cope with immortality."
At this point Pinkie was staring, open-mouthed in awe.
I giggled and said, "What? You mad?"
"YES!" She shouted, and went to pounce on me.
I dodged and started running for my 'life'
"GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A STALLION!" Pinkie Giggle-screamed, jokingly mad.
"NEVER!" I shouted back, galloping full speed toward town.
Ponyville, five minutes later.
"I SHALL NEVER SURREND-AHHH" I screamed as she caught me, we went rolling through the markets, destroying stalls and shocking the townsfolk.
We rolled to a stop, giggling and laying side by side as the villagers made a circle around us.
"Move aside!" i heard, as some gold-plated stallions barged through.
"You are both under arrest for disturbing the peace." They said, with hard looks in their eyes.
"But she didn't do anything! I was sprinting and tripped over her so she got caught up!" I said, hoping to not get Pinkie a record, who was at this point passed out from exhaustion.
"Hmmm, Fine, but you are still under arrest." They said, "Which means you must come with us back to the station."
"Alright, alright, just let this old stallion get up will ya?" I said, groaning as I got up.
"Move it Old Timer." Growled one of the guards as he rapped me across the flank with the flat of his spear.
"Do that again and we'll be seeing just how old I am." I stated.
"Was that a threat, Old Timer?" He said, narrowing his eyes.
"Eeeenope. It was a promise." I said, fully glaring at him.
"Believe me youngster, I've seen Old Watcher there take on a pack o' Timberwolves no problem, and he ain't one for no idle threats either." Said Granny Smith, hobbling into the marketplace.
"Hello there Annabelle!" I said, smiling, "You could have let him whap me again, I woulda showed him what a true Guard can do."
"Bah! By the time you would be done there wouldn't be much o' him left to guard in the first place!" She said, we both started cackling, knowing full well that it was true.
"H-hey!" Said the Guard, blushing in rage, "I could absolutely beat him!"
"So now your gonna beat an old timer? wow, The Guard is just FULL of great ponies." I said, further infuriating him, his partner was on the ground laughing his ass off at this point.
"And besides, you retired from Royal Army Captain last I recall." Said Annabelle, raising her eyebrow.
The other guard stopped laughing and said "We do still need to take you in to pay the fine Sir Pie, and I apologise for my partners actions."
"Then lets go." I said, 'Oh and Annabelle, you are coming to my housewarming party right?"
"Heck yeah I am!" She replied enthusiastically.
I chuckled and said goodbye, then went with the guards to the station. Once they found out I was the former Royal Army Captain the one who hit me was oddly quiet... I guess Just mentioning my job that was over a hundred years ago has an effect.
I met Pinkie at the bakery afterwards, she was a bit out of it, looks like Pinkamena is here. I sat down at a table in the corner and waited for her to come over.
"hey." She says, having come over when i gestured.
"Hello Pinkie." I said.
She started crying and jumped into my open hooves, leaning on my and saying "I'm sorry, i'm sorry." over and over.
When she finally stopped crying my coat was drenched, it looked as if I had been running for hours with no breaks. I pushed her off my wither, turned her face towards me and said,
"I don't know why your crying Pink, It's not as if I actually got arrested."
"Y-you didn't? But,but the guards came and an-" I put my hoof up to stop her.
"All I had to do was pay a fine, nothing more, and you know how rich I am so it's not even bad. Speaking of which you know I could alway pay for you to start your own bakery?"
"J-Just a fine?"
"Just a fine."
"YAY!" she jumped up and tried to kill me with a hug. "and i know, but I prefer to work with the cakes."
"Yo-r klng thj ghd off da vod Memk."
She unwrapped me from my tomb. "I'm what?"
"Your were killing the god of the void Pink." I giggled, i still don't know how she can harness chaos magic passively .
"Well, Let me go tell the cakes why we were up here and then we'll go PARTAY!"
"Ok, I'll see you there, you got your Party cannon?"
"Yuppers!"
Where there is one, there is always another...
Parties of three and Having a Blast
"I'm ready to goooo ooohhhhooohh!" Pinkie and I drew out the last notes and entered my house.
"I haven't sung with someone like that in millennia my dear!" I laughed as I shut the door, it was only five forty so we still had time to set up the party.
I snapped my metaphorical fingers and clicked my hooves three time, saying "There's no place like home!" at each click.
"Whacha doin'?" Said Pinkie, causing me to blush.
"Nothin..." I said, looking up and whistling.
"Okie dokey Loki!" She said, and proceded to reach behind her, take out her cannon of canonness, and aim strait at me.
"Now then, tell me what it was or I will make you... ummm." She said, wondering what she could do to me.
I quickly turned the cannon around and said "Canon, You did not hear me say anything once we got in the door." And fired it.
*PMPHPHHPPH* I heard air rush out as it fired, and quickly put it in my Void-Space* and put a party cannon there instead, aiming it at me
"Soooo, mind pointing that thing somewhere else?" I said, acting nervous.
"Huh?! When did that get here? oh well, More cannons for me!" She said, and then fired it around my house, putting the snack table in place... and nothing else...
I still haven't figured out how it knows what's appropriate for when it's fired...
"Aaaaand DONE!" Shouted Pinkie, snapping me out of my reveree.
"Well... It certainly is my type of party."
"W-w-w... THERES NOTHING HERE!" Said Pinkie "Well, theres the snack table but THAT'S IT!"
"Perhaps the cannon jammed my dear?" I replied, smirking on the inside.
"Good Idea! I'll check." She said, sticking her hoof down her fun tube. "AHA!" she shouted "Now to pull, can you please help me here Uncle?"
"Sure." I said, getting behind her and putting my hands on her waist.
"3, 2, 1. PULL!" She heaved, with me attempting to help her, whatever it was it was jammed in tight.
"EEEEK!" Screamed Celestia and Cadence, being pulled out of the cannon blushing furiously and with... liquids on their faces, smelling of an intense heat.
"Well hello ladies!" I said, raising my eyebrows and smirking slightly at their discomfort. "Terribly sorry about... well Pulling your tails is probably the wrong word but-"
I noticed them glancing to each other and nodding, before they tackled me and dragged me to my bedroom... Of which I am absolutely fine with.
"Try the other cannon Pinkie, I'll be down in time for the party!" I called.
"No he won't!" Said Cadence, smirking at Pinkie.
"Have Fun you three!" replied Pinkie, bringing out the correct cannon.I figured you should know, because of the male to female ratio issue, which I seem to recall is about 13 mares per stallion, there is an unspoken rule that males can help with heats and never talk about it, oddly enough females are exempt from the talking part.
2 Hours Later.
We came (haha) downstairs, two limping princesses with dopey smiles on their faces and one limping stallion with a look of pain etched upon his face, as well as a smile.
I saw Twilight and went to talk to her, only to get slapped and screamed at.
"My dear," I began, "I believe you know the rule about fuck and tell."
"Excu-" she began.
"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn what you say. I'm old enough to show you true torture and if someone's willing and I know them well then I'll fuck them silly whether you like it or not."
I'll have you know that Pinkie cheered at that.
Twilight, scowling, glared at me and sparked her horn, a typical sign of offensive magic readying itself.
"Now see here Miss. If you fire that I will bring you harm." She hesitated, widening her eyes as i glowered with mine, then went into the ready position, standard if you must know.Now normally I don't get very... ticked off. But she is both meant to be far above this, and purple, the colour of a... child harmer or harmed person, be it abuse, touching, or just general kidnapping. Ponies are bloody weird I tell you.
"Twilight Sparkle." Came a stern Celestia. "Stop this, he is a friend and we asked him, nothing more nothing less."
She began to disengage her magic, but I just couldn't resist one final offering.
"Just friends? Oh i'm just hurt Celly, all those days and nights, surely i'm something more?" I smirked, knowing precisely what it would do.
Celestia glared at me and Twilight. Twilight glowed?... this isn't good.
Twilight fired.
I didn't even see it.
Neither did the people behind me,
Or behind them.
"If you weren't an element of harmony you'd be dead for daring to fire that. Now i have to fix your bullshit. Get out of my house. and if i fucking see you here a-motherfucking -gain I will make you eat though a straw for eternity. Do. You. Under. Stand. Me?" Two guesses as to who that was.
She bolted and i activated my horn, casting not one, but two spells. One cursed her to not be able to come within two kilometers of this house, the other a powerful, and I mean i put some void magic into it, repair spell, attaching to the signature of the bolt, fixing everything it touched.
"Unc-"
"Are, are you alright? y-you have a hole in you." I realised my mistake.
"I'm absolutely fine darling, I've had worse. I'm sorry for being curt with you, just shocked me she actually fired it."
Celestia sighed "Why do I keep you around I wonder? I can't remember the last time you've made a problem that bad. I will go after her, attempt to explain things more."
"She will not come here again, she hurt innocents. I placed a spell for a two click radius around the house." Pinkie, un-cowed, was now putting her hand in and through my slowly healing chest.
"Normally," Celly said while looking at what Pinkie was doing." I would disagree with you as everything turned out fine, but you two do not mix well. so i'll allow it for now."
"Cool, next time you're around i'll make a cake."
"I'll hold you to that, come Cadenza, we have a unicorn to talk to."
"Bye then." Said Cadance, before walking out with Celestia.
"So did you actually bang both of them?" asked Pinkie, catching me off-guard.
"W- No dear, only Celestia, Cadance was more into watching."
"Good to know, good to know"
The party ended about there and I went to bed. ready to just relax for more that 4 hours with the universal T.V and world-wide 'cameras'.