Author's Note

A/N: Slight Warning: Trigger Warning, Depression, attempted suicide, hurts, stuff like that~

Chapter 1- Fall

Lightning Dust's wings curled the early twilight air underneath them, shaping the currents into wonderful waves of air as she accelerated upward at a rate near nopony else could match, gravity seeming to have no hold on her as we continued upward at a near vertical angle.

The land below shrunk into a pale green blob below her as she burst through cloud after cloud, the moisture sticking to her coat but drying after only a few seconds in her speed, mane blown back, ears against her head, tail streaming as a glow of teal and jagged yellow lightning began to arc out behind her. The sun was nearly set, the moon rising as she climbed higher into the deep indigo of the night sky, not bothered by the sudden cool of the thin air, her eyes moving toward the dancing array of stars and cosmic light above her- so close it looked as if she could reach out and her hoof would be flecked with dust and light.

She reached the apex of her climb and arched back, her head and muzzle tilted upward toward the endless expanse of shadow and stars moving endlessly above her, her eyes reflecting the swirls of light clusters of stars, her hooves hanging limp, wings flaring as the tears forming in her eyes began to spill faster.

Too high now for any clouds to actually reach, a height most ponies wouldn't dare fly to....

A height where a dead drop from the sky would be nearly impossible to recover from.

Over and over she wished the stars would wrap about her, the cosmic light would carry her away from life, from her troubles, from all her destroyed dreams and shredded fancies. She wanted nothing more than to give into a cool embrace of cold starlight and empty space, to forget everything.

Let me fade into all of that Shadow and Stardust...... Fade away from here, never to return, no pain, no suffering.... No guilt.

No regret

If she just let herself go now, just let herself fall back through the air they way she had come, she'd gain enough speed to keep going, to keep herself from recovering from the free fall, she would hit the ground- it'd be over in a moments time. No more living day to day with nothing left, no purpose, no dreams, no nightmares.....

Just fall

Her dreams had been shattered, her will to continue on worn away completely. Day to day, month to month... She'd been wandering in the shadow of regret, it forever following her wherever she went.

She'd been kicked out of the WonderBolts Academy not long after the fiasco involving Rainbow Dash... After she messed up royally, hurt somepony badly....

Without being able to achieve her lifelong dream of being a WonderBolt.... What was left?

She couldn't shake the guilt from her heart. She knew she had done wrong, she knew she was an awful pony who hurt others... She knew it. She'd known it since she'd been expelled and the haunting reminder of all the bad she'd ever done never left, all of it crowded her every waking thought, weighed her down and kept her from moving forward- there was nowhere to move forward to.

Her talent was flying, and fast. She had no skills in life outside of that- finding work was a nightmare.... She'd tried delivery service but all her letters ended up torn and lost when she flew, she'd tried manual work but that hadn't been any good either.

From Cloudsdale to Appaloosa, to Canterlot, Manehatten and all points in between.. Nothing.

Now her entire being was just one writhing mass of pain, despair, guilt, regret. She couldn't keep doing this- that feeling of not belonging in the world, the crushing wait of all her mistakes... It was just too much!

The tears started flowing faster as she curled in air, her wings flaring as she flipped her stomach toward the stars above her. She stretched a hoof forward, vision blurry and eyes stinging as she sniffed.

I wish I was a star.... No worries... Up there among all the rest.... Never alone....

Unless Luna took pity and turned her into one of those small, gleaming dots of light that forever painted the night sky- she couldn't be that. She couldn't simply fade into the dark folds of the night, to slowly fade into that shadow and stardust above her head.

Just Fall

It would be so easy, she didn't have to do anything- she just did all the work, all that was left was to let go, let herself fall past the point of recovery, all the way down toward the empty and isolated meadow far, far below her.

What's the point anymore, Lightning? You can't work, you don't have any pony left, nothing... No dreams, no hope for something better... No way to escape all the horrible things you did.

You deserve to just fade away. To disappear.

Nopony is going to miss you anyway...

So just fall

Tears sprung up into the cool air, rolling down her cheeks and taking flight above her as she curled back all the way, and let her wings stretch out behind her- her entire body suddenly falling back down the way she had come, her eyes never leaving the glittering cosmic expanse as it grew farther away.

This is it...

She let her eyes close as she started gaining speed, the air blowing her mane into her face.

This is the last time

She moved her head back at an angle so the wind could blow into it.

Just keep going.. Past the point of no return....

She gained speed and momentum every second, bursting back through the clouds, the ground approaching ever closer.

.:+:.

"Miss Lightning Dust, due to your abhorrent conduct and lack of regard for safety of your peers- as well as your unruly sense of sportsmanship, among all manner of other things, including the incident involving the hospitalization of Cadet Morning Shower- it is clear you are not fit to fly under this team, and not worthy of this badge." The burly Wonderbolts Training Officer growled as she reached a hoof forward and ripped the silver WonderBolts badge from her training suit without sign or remorse or emotion.

"You have been expelled from this Academy and will never fly as a WonderBolt. Pack your things and leave immediately, you're dismissed."

.:+:.

A tight knot formed in her chest, making it hard to breath and impossible from stopping the salty years in her eyes from spilling.

She'd never felt so lost, she could only stand right where she was, frozen to the spot as the reality crashed down on her head- she'd never be a Wonderbolt.

And what I did to Morning Shower.... There was so much blood... I.... I...

You're nearly there Lightning, just a little further, you won't have to suffer anymore.

She was nearly to that point of no return, once there- no amount of flapping or flying would stop her fall, she'd hit the ground, one split moment of pain and then nothing. She wouldn't feel anything anymore.

It sounded like utter bliss

Just a little farther....

She wouldn't have to face the rest of the world anymore. She wouldn't have to remember her mistakes, she wouldn't have to live with the pain of knowing she had.... Had killed somepony....

It was an accident!

... Accident or not I still did it.... Morning Shower didn't deserve that....

A few more seconds, this was it... She was going to do it this time.

She scrunched her eyes shut, willing herself to stay still, not to react, not to pay attention to the cold pit of fear that had settled in her stomach.

No, I can't pull up now.... I deserve to die.... Morning Shower deserves to be alive, I don't... I've made to many mistakes, I can't be helped....

Nopony can save me

.:+:.

"Dusty, look at me sweetheart."

Lightning Dust's eyes moved up toward the aging Pegasus stallion sitting in a chair before her, his teal coat dull, his short pale gold and red hair flecked with angry streaks of gray, his tired green eyes looking toward her as a small, faint smile graced his lips.

"Hmm? Daddy what's the matter?" She asked, immediately recognizing the sadness in his features, she climbed up onto the chair beside him, settling in front of him as his hooves wrapped about her gently, and he lightly bumped his nose against hers.

"I understand you really want to be a WonderBolt, yes?" He asked and her eyes gleamed.

"Yes! Just like you used to be!" She replied immediately, "I'm gonna be the best flier around! I'm already faster than everypony in town!"

"Yes you are." He agreed softly, "But you know, being fast and flying well isn't what being a WonderBolt is all about. There's more to it than that." He explained and she blinked,

"Like what?"

"There has to be teamwork, you have to be dedicated and trust the ponies you fly with, with your life. You have to be brave and strong, but you also need to be gentle and kind- its not about the fancy shows or the fans, first and foremost the WonderBolts are meant to protect other ponies, to protect Equestria." He explained, a sudden glint of memory passing through his eyes. "But most of all, the most important thing a WonderBolt needs to understand-" he drew his hoof under her chin and smiles softly. "Life is hard and dangerous. A true WonderBolt never gives up, and never let's anything bring them down- if they don't have the courage to stand up and protect what's important, the things most precious- then all is lost. And when things are lost- that doesn't mean they're gone for good- it just means one has to be willing to search for the good things again."

.:+:.

Lightning Dust's eyes snapped open as she flapped a wing and flipped about in air, wings flaring out to catch the wind and slow her down just before she hit the speed and height that would never allow her to recover.

Her muscles ached from the sudden strain of air pushing against her, as she angled down before pulling up to allow herself time to move horizontally at top speed not ten feet from the ground, she shook her head furiously to try and rid herself of the tears as anger rose inside of her.

She couldn't do it!

Every time she was about to hit the point of no return, that memory always invaded her mind- it was one of the last times she and her father had spoken at all, before he was admitted into the hospital and died a few months later.

Those words rung in her head and it was as if her body acted on its own, narrowly saving herself and adding on another night of pain and regret before she tried again the next day- and inevitably failed to go through with it again.

She angled up again, the tears flowing in anger now as she stomped down on top of a nearby cloud, shaking her head furiously and stomping about in fury with herself and fury toward the memory too.

"What is wrong with me?! I can't even manage to get this right let alone anything else!!" She scrunched her eyes closed and hung her head as she breathed in harsh, unhappy breaths, the fluffy white under her hooves being dotted with the glistening wet of her tears. "It isn't that hard!! All I have to do is just fall- and I still end up bailing out at the last minute!!"

A true WonderBolt never gives up, and never let's anything bring them down.

Too bad I'm never going to a be a WonderBolt Dad.... I'm just a screw up, I always was and that's never going to change.... I'm so sorry, I let you down.....

The tears started streaming faster and she let her hooves fall out from under her, sinking into the fluff of the cloud as she buried her face in her hooves and sobbed quietly- she hadn't cried this much since she was a filly, and every moment she grew colder as a sinking feeling of utter despair and isolation that had been growing for months hit an all time intensity- it hurt to breath. It hurt to live.

Daddy... I'm all alone... I.... I don't know what to do anymore..... I wish you were here.... I wish...... I wish I didn't.....

I don't want to feel like this anymore...!

She longed for the warm embrace of her father more than she could ever remember, not even after he had just died- she'd never missed him so much.... He'd been the only pony left in the world for her, and once he was gone she had been alone... Always alone and it hadn't changed.

But she didn't want to be alone anymore, no- but there wasn't a pony in the world she knew that she hadn't screwed up with, nopony liked her and they shouldn't- she'd been awful and mean for too long, reckless and unruly, nopony wanted her around anymore and she didn't blame them.

I miss you so much Daddy.... I need something to hold on to... Anything..... I.... Don't think I want to die.... I just... I don't want to hurt anymore...!

It was foolish to think her father could hear her now, but she still wished he could- and she wished he could answer her, help her.

He'd probably just smile like he always did, say something so calm and wise.... Never give up Dusty. You'll be OK. You're stronger than anypony I know!

If only it were actually true.

She sniffed, rubbing her face in her hooves as she glanced up toward the stars over her head, searching the glimmering lights for anything. Any sign, any trace of something out there listening to her pain.....

If there is somepony out there, if you're listening Dad.... I just.....

"....... I don't want to be alone anymore.... I want something to hold on to.... Somewhere I fit in... Another chance to make things right... That's all...." She whispered, her words falling on open air. ".... That can't be too much to ask, can it...?"

She sighed and let her ears drop, maybe it was too much to ask.

Her ears perked and her eyes widened as a flash of silver arced out across the starry night above her, falling away behind the horizon and leaving a misty trail of stardust behind it.

"If that's all you're looking for, I think I can help you."