Everything I've Ever Wanted

“Twilight, wake up!”

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes cracked open to reveal a diminutive purple dragon attempting to jostle her out of bed. This was the third time Spike had tried to wake her, but she did not budge. She had difficulty sleeping, and had been kept awake till just before dawn. Barely conscious, she still didn’t quite have the energy to rise.

“Twilight, if you don’t get up soon, you won’t have time to get ready for the pageant at the palace.”

Twilight groaned. Just her luck that it was Hearth’s Warming Eve, right when she wanted most to hide in her room and be alone. Her friends wouldn’t be there either – they would be attending the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant in Ponyville instead, since this year they weren’t participating. She briefly considered skipping the event entirely, but in her role as a princess of Equestria she was expected to attend. She flopped over and pushed herself up with her hooves, doing her very best not to think about the night before.

“Good morning, Spike.”

Satisfied that Twilight was sufficiently awake, Spike turned to the door and waved a claw downwards towards the stairs.

“Afternoon, Twilight. I made lunch. There’s time to eat before you get ready to fly up there, but you really ought to hurry.”

Twilight looked out the window. It was a few hours past noon. Thankfully she could now fly directly to Canterlot on her own, otherwise it would take hours to arrive via the train’s snaking route around the mountain. She slowly put her forehooves on the floor and shuffled into the bathroom. She took a long look at herself in the mirror.

I look awful.

Twilight picked up her toothbrush with magic and brushed her teeth carefully, still eyeing her reflection. After rinsing she decided to take a long shower. While Twilight normally preferred cold showers for the health benefits, she felt like she really needed the soothing caress of hot water right then. It made her feel better.

Drying herself off with a towel, Twilight headed downstairs to a small dining room which she used when there were no guests. Upon the table sitting on a plate was a sunflower sandwich with cheese, tomatoes, lettuce and cucumber slices, along with a bowl of egg salad and a glass of milk. Spike had apparently finished his own lunch hours ago.

Twilight didn’t have much of an appetite, but she finished about half the meal before dumping the rest into the sink. She did the dishes as quickly as possible and then headed upstairs again.

She sat in front of her little dressing table and brushed the tangles out of her mane and tail. Then she pulled out her prepared dress and shoes – they weren’t particularly elaborate or showy this time, since the pageant was less a ball and more like a night at the theatre. Since the thought to flying to Canterlot in formal attire didn’t appeal to her, Twilight carefully folded the ensemble and packed it into a large saddlebag. Strapping it on, she opened her balcony door to the calm winter afternoon.

She spread her wings and leapt off the balcony, heading in the direction of a city in the distance, built into the mountainside.

The cold air made Twilight thankful for her coat of fur, and the rush of wind blowing past her wings helped her relax. Flying was very therapeutic, especially on longer flights like this one where she spent most of the time gliding. Now alone, she could take the time to properly reflect.

Twilight had spent a lot of time thinking about Sunset Shimmer after she got back home the night before. At first all she could think of was the horrible feeling of her body being treated like a trophy, but later she had started focusing on how Sunset Shimmer really felt about her.

She said that she doesn’t know how she feels.

That thought gave her a little hope. Part of her wanted very badly to believe that Sunset Shimmer would come around and tell her that it was all a misunderstanding and that she really did love Twilight and wanted to be with her.

That has to be it. She must have panicked after waking up, and was just confused, right?

Right?

On the other hand, there remained the sinking feeling that she might be deliberately deluding herself. She remembered everything that Sunset had told her. She could only imagine the kind of hatred Sunset must have once held.

She might still hate me.

But all the distress and crying felt sincere, even if the shadow of deceit now hung over everything Sunset had done during the night before.

Twilight turned her head and looked at her flank. The mild soreness still lingered, a constant reminder of her lost chastity.

Sunset’s affection felt so real…

She remembered the gentle touch of Sunset’s fingers, the slippery wetness of her tongue and the warm feeling of their bodies pressed against each other. Most of all Twilight remembered the nervousness and vulnerability in Sunset’s eyes when she showed Twilight her naked body, even though it was beautiful and sensuous and absolutely perfect.

That can’t have been a lie.

If Sunset was being honest with her, then she was still confused and depressed after the revelation in the café three days before. That meant that she perhaps wasn’t entirely rational when she had seduced Twilight….

A nasty realization suddenly dawned.

I slept with Sunset when she wasn’t in a proper state of mind!

The thought made her panic a little.

Did… was I the one who took advantage of her? No… no, she seduced me! She was the one who pushed all my buttons and made me... made me…

...

She didn’t make me do anything.

I should have stopped her. I… I should have known better! I knew for sure she was depressed, I mean, that’s the entire reason I went to see her. But I was all caught up in my stupid crush and let myself get carried away…

Twilight forced herself to stop that train of thought. She knew better than to end up holding herself responsible for everything, especially since she was fairly sure Sunset should be shouldering at least some, if not most, of the blame.

She sighed. Twilight still wasn’t sure what to think, because there plainly wasn’t enough information. She’d have to go back and talk to Sunset again, even if just seeing the girl made her hurt. There was no point in beating herself up over it right now, anyway. She had an appointment to keep.

***

The sun had just set by the time she had landed at her old quarters, changed and arrived at the VIP lounge on the second floor of the palace. The room was filled with wealthier ponies milling around as they waited for the pageant to begin. Twilight remained standing near a corner. She didn’t want to have to talk to anypony that night.

Her mind flickered back to thoughts of Sunset Shimmer. Most of Twilight’s anger had given out, spent after a full night crying into her pillow, but it still hurt to think of what Sunset had said. Twilight tried clear her head.

“Well, it’s so good to see you, Princess Twilight Sparkle.” The voice came from Upper Crust, a unicorn with whom Twilight had become acquainted soon after her coronation. The mare had fawned over her early on but very quickly soured to Twilight’s presence later. “I’m surprised you’re here this evening instead of your charming new home town of… Ponyville.”

Her voice was dripping with subtle derision and carried the implicit suggestion that “society” no longer quite considered Twilight a Canterlot pony at heart. Twilight was in no mood to deal with her this evening.

“It’s good to see you too, Upper Crust,” she lied. “Excuse me.”

Twilight abruptly ended contact and walked away from the smirking unicorn as a few nearby ponies snickered with equal contempt. High society in Canterlot thrived on these understated confrontations, where opponents would trade slightly-less-than-harmless barbs while onlookers would decide the winner based on wit, grace, and the ability to elegantly humiliate your opponent without being crass.

Twilight recalled the petition she was dealing with the day before. She decided to go speak with one of Princess Celestia’s advisors, hoping to follow Sunset Shimmer’s suggestion.

The reminder of that dinner conversation with Sunset caused Twilight’s ears to visibly droop.

“Is something bothering you, Twilight?” It was a different voice this time, regal and motherly and filled with genuine concern.

Twilight looked up to see the almost-literally divine form of Princess Celestia watching over her carefully. The white alicorn wore no dress, only her regalia, but still stood out easily as the most impressive pony in the room. Twilight had been too preoccupied to notice her arrival.

“I…” Twilight was about to dismiss her moody disposition, but she knew that Celestia would easily notice the lie. And in the past, when she had been just a filly, Princess Celestia had been incredibly helpful in guiding Twilight through a lot of difficult times. The fact that there was likely no one else better with whom to talk about Sunset Shimmer did not hurt, either.

Twilight sighed. “Actually, I’ve been better. Some… something happened yesterday between Sunset Shimmer and me.”

The room was suddenly covered in a white glow, and Twilight felt the whole world instantly sucked away into the light, only for the surroundings to be replaced with the familiar sight of Princess Celestia’s personal chambers. Twilight was shocked by the unexpected teleportation, and looked up at her mentor in surprise.

“Tell me what happened.” Celestia’s voice was still warm and motherly, but it carried a tone of command that made Twilight just a little worried.

So she told her everything. They sat at a little tea-table around which they had shared countless lessons in the past while Twilight spilled all the painful details of the previous night. She left out the lurid specifics of their lovemaking, but her story was as complete as she could make it, including the events in the café three days before. The telling had however made her dredge up all the worry and fear and anger that she thought had settled, and by the end, tears spilled down her face.

Princess Celestia’s expression did not change as she listened, only quietly wrapping her soft wings around the smaller alicorn as Twilight wept. She remained silent, thinking deeply, even after Twilight had finished. She held her until the crying stopped and Twilight wiped away the last of her tears.

Eventually she asked, “Are you feeling better now?”

Twilight nodded.

Princess Celestia gave Twilight one last tight squeeze before opening her wings. She looked at Twilight with a sympathetic smile.

“First of all Twilight, I want you to understand that losing your virginity doesn't and shouldn't change anything about you. You are still the same mare you were when you woke up yesterday, and everything you are and all the great things you have accomplished do not become diminished just because you are no longer a virgin. Even if it wasn't as... special as it should have been."

Princess Celestia wrapped her wings around Twilight again for a quick hug and followed it with a reassuring nuzzle.

"Secondly, I don’t think you should blame yourself for what happened. It seems like both you and Sunset have made mistakes, but you should still keep in mind that it is not your fault that she didn’t tell you what was bothering her until it was too late – and Sunset should have known that what she was doing might hurt you. At the same time I hope you will be generous and try to forgive her. I can see that she has hurt you, so it is understandable if you cannot do so right away. However, I think Sunset still has a lot to learn about friendship and love even if she has managed to come a long way since you first met her. It would be a shame if your friendship died over this.”

“So you don’t think she actually… cares for me?” Twilight asked fearfully.

“I honestly cannot say. Sex is very powerful, Twilight. Even when there is no intention of long-term commitment the act itself creates emotion and connection, no matter what conventional wisdom claims about philanderers and libertines. Only a psychopath cannot understand those feelings – for everyone else the best they can do is to suppress those emotions and convince themselves they feel nothing. Sunset Shimmer has had a long history of burying how she feels, to protect herself from being hurt. She may discover that her emotions last night were true, and if so I hope you two can overcome this stain on your relationship and be happy together.

“But I am not going to lie to you - It is just as likely that she does not feel for you the same way you do for her. If that is the case then I’m afraid you are going to be hurt again. Just remember that even if you cannot find love with her, there are others out there who will return your love and one day I am certain that you will meet someone who will make you happy. In the meantime you should seek comfort in the company of the friends you have made. And remember that I myself will likewise always be here for you.”

Celestia’s words didn’t really make Twilight feel much better, but it was reassuring to know that the her former mentor would still support her if things did not work out.

“Thank you, Princess. I guess even now I’m still learning from you.”

Princess Celestia smiled. “I think we will continue to learn from each other for a long time to come. Now, is there anything else you would like to discuss, or are you ready to return to the pageant?”

Twilight hesitated. She didn’t want to impose on Celestia any further after dumping all that on her already, but it would be a pity to waste such a good opportunity to ask about Sunset’s past.

“Is what Sunset said true? About her cutie-mark, I mean.”

Celestia looked away.

“It is.”

She sighed and returned her gaze to Twilight. Her face had changed from her earlier softness to an image of perfect calm.

“Twilight, you should know by now that I had long ago been preparing for Luna’s return. I knew that I was no longer connected to the Elements of Harmony, so I needed to find the ones who could wield them against Nightmare Moon. I had hoped that it would be Sunset Shimmer, but the truth is that on the day she gained her cutie-mark I knew that she was not the one. And so my attentions passed on to you.”

Celestia’s voice became just a tiny bit more strained. “I… did not handle Sunset very well. She did not understand why I had suddenly begun favoring a younger filly who hadn’t even earned her cutie-mark, or why I was neglecting her. She became bitter, and she began to hide her growing insecurities with an ever-increasing arrogance. I should have acted then, to reassure her or at least to curb my neglect of her, or honestly anything at all except what I did, which was to become angry at her constant attempts to earn my attention. And so it was entirely by my own fault that things came to a head when she discovered the power of the crystal mirror.”

Twilight smiled understandingly. “Well, you shouldn’t really blame yourself, you know. Just like it was with me, even though both of you made mistakes, Sunset made her own decisions and chose to disobey you and go through the mirror. It’s just as much her fault, probably more so.”

Celestia sighed again. When she spoke there was a noticeable waver in her voice. “It - it is not the same, Twilight. Sunset Shimmer was just a little filly when… all that happened. She was still too young to make those decisions for herself, and I didn’t give her the proper support to help her make them. She was my responsibility and I… I failed her.” Celestia’s voice cracked on word “failed” in a pained way that belied her still-calm demeanor.

“No, look… I mean, you were just her teacher!” Twilight’s innocuous words strangely made her former mentor’s eyes flicker. “It wasn’t solely your responsibility to teach her about right and wrong or how you should behave. I mean, I made mistakes when I was a filly and it was almost always my parents who punished me or taught me I was wrong. It’s not like you were her mother!”

Princess Celestia said nothing. Her face remained the same mask of regal, impassive calm, seemingly serene and unmoved. But she was betrayed by a single tear trickling down her cheek.

Twilight slowly shook her head in horror and disbelief.

“Oh… oh no…”