Everything I've Ever Wanted

“How… how can that be possible?”

Twilight’s mind was still reeling from the revelation. Her brain was quickly reassembling everything she knew about Sunset Shimmer, fitting the fragments of unexplained inconsistencies together like a puzzle that was now becoming disturbingly whole.

Celestia’s mask softened. She closed her eyes and remained quiet for a moment while facing the floor. Then she lifted her head and turned towards her massive dressing table, a shimmering golden aura pulling open the handle of one of its drawers. A framed photograph floated out, flying smoothly in front of Twilight as the drawer closed.

Twilight took hold of the photograph with her own magic. It depicted a stallion with a dark amber coat and blonde mane, wearing the recognizable purple-and-gold armor of the royal guard, almost exactly like the armor Twilight had become accustomed to seeing borne by her brother.

“His name was Daydreamer, and he was Captain of my Guard years ago, before you were born. He was brave, kind, and as dedicated to Equestria as I was. Unlike most of the guard, Daydreamer was not afraid to question his orders when he felt I was wrong, especially if it contradicted his own extensive expertise in military matters. I found his boldness refreshing and often sought his counsel. I encouraged him to speak to me informally, which led to us... flirting very often. We became lovers not long after.”

Celestia opened her eyes. “I have a confession that should not surprise you, Twilight…”

“I… I am not good with family.”

She was mistaken. The admission surprised Twilight very much.

"I am so used to being obeyed and adored that... I tend to forget that it's not how you should interact with those closest to you." Celestia grimaced as she recalled past examples. “Long ago, my grandstanding and failure to notice Luna’s loneliness drove her to the Nightmare. She was my sister, with whom I spent more time than any pony in my life, and I know I could have done something before it was too late but I still ignored all the warning signs. That neglect separated us for a thousand years. I told myself then that I would learn from my mistakes, but the truth is that I have been making that same mistake ever since.

“I think most recently you saw it happen when I didn’t even realize that Cadence, my own adopted niece, had been replaced by a changeling queen; I shrugged off her odd behavior as the nervousness of a bride before her wedding. You, on the other hand, noticed something was wrong almost immediately and when you tried to tell me, I chose to dismiss your concerns despite the fact that I should have known better.”

Celestia bowed her head in apology. “I failed both you and Cadance that day. I know I’ve apologized to you already, but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I should have listened to you, because you were my personal student and even if you were wrong I should have at least tried to talk to you about it rather than simply walking away and telling you off.”

Twilight didn’t say anything. She was still trying to process everything.

Celestia noticed her silence. “Well, with Daydreamer the same thing happened. We got into little arguments where I would ignore his concerns because I felt that I was in the right, even though relationships should be about compromises. About two years before you were born, war broke out between us and the minotaurs. Daydreamer and I clashed on issues of military policy, and the cracks in our relationship got worse. We still loved each other, but we began to see each other less and less often.

“Then one day he came to me and announced his intention to fight on the front lines. I begged him not to, but he was adamant. In the end I agreed to let him go. I was asking so many ponies to let me risk the lives of their loved ones in battle; how could I make an exception for myself? The night before he left… that was the night that Sunset Shimmer was conceived. He never got to meet his daughter, because it would be the last time I saw him alive.”

Twilight put her hoof on Celestia’s shoulder when she noticed more tears trickling down the older alicorn’s cheeks, unaware that the memory was only the latest of many, many other loved ones whose passing Celestia had endured.

“Does Sunset know?” she asked.

“Of course she does,” replied Celestia, wiping her tears away with her hoof. “I had to keep my foal secret from the world – can you imagine the scandal if I announced that I had an affair with my Guard Captain and conceived a foal out of wedlock? But I could never lie to my own daughter. I kept her here in this very room and hid her from everypony except those whom I trusted most.

"You know, Sunset’s birth was... very difficult. I think it was caused by the stress of the war and Daydreamer’s death, but the labor was very long and there were a lot of complications and close calls. But in the end, when I finally held my baby in my hooves, she looked so perfect. Perhaps it was just the predisposition of a mother looking at her newborn foal, but I just knew she had a grand destiny ahead of her.

“So you can imagine my pride when my divinations revealed that she was one of only three fillies whose destinies were close enough to align with Starswirl’s prophecy, and she was the oldest. I think that I let my hopes as a mother get the better of my judgement and immediately assumed that she would be the one. It seemed so perfect at the time, that my daughter would be destined to save her aunt and become an alicorn to join us…”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Three fillies?”

“I think you are quite acquainted with the third. It’s ironic, because she was easily the most powerful of the three of you. She never received the training you did but could hold her own even when you fought her as an alicorn... and then you saved her just as you saved Sunset and Luna.”

“Starlight Glimmer!?”

“Yes. I think on some subconscious level, she sensed her own potential and the destiny that nearly fell on her withers. I doubt that a single ruined friendship could realistically drive her to accomplish everything she did. Consider how she conceived a spell specifically to manipulate cutie-marks, something that was once thought to be impossible, and later on she completed that time-traveling spell left unfinished by Starswirl the Bearded. I don’t think I need to explain the parallels between that and how you became a princess. And to top it all off she tried to undo your future by preventing the event that led to you acquiring your own cutie-mark. It was almost as if she, like Sunset, was unconsciously attempting to usurp your destiny.

"Whatever her intentions were, her actions proved that you can’t steal destiny. When the prophecy was derailed, every result ended in disaster. You saw it for yourself in all the possible alternate futures. Which leads us to the first of many mistakes I made with my daughter - I tried to push her into the destiny she wasn’t meant to have."

Celestia lowered her head and deflated slightly as she recalled memories of happier times. “I told Sunset Shimmer of Starswirl’s prophecy and trained her to be the princess and alicorn I thought she would become. I kept my expectations of her high and kept her regularly informed of those expectations. Sunset was very eager to please me, and studied incredibly hard to keep up with her demanding schedule. This gave me an excuse to openly keep her around the palace: I named her my personal student and officially assigned her quarters next to my own. Then I introduced her to Cadance and explained to her how Cadance ascended. They became friends very quickly – Cadance was always very good with foals, as you can remember. But that day I think I laid it on too thick and hinted a little too strongly about what I had in mind for Sunset."

Twilight gasped. "That is why she demanded you make her a Princess..."

"Yes," Celestia admitted. "And now you know that when she got her cutie-mark everything went wrong. I remember her running excitedly through that very door to show me. I should have been so proud of her, but the only thing I could feel was disappointment. And I think Sunset could sense it.

“She knew about you, you know. I had watched you and Starlight Glimmer carefully afterwards and when Shining Armor’s cutie-mark turned out to be a shield with a six-pointed star, I felt that you had to be the correct one and this time I was right. But I didn’t do a good enough job concealing my interest in you and Sunset began to feel that she wasn’t as important anymore.

“In the grand scheme of things she wasn’t. But she was my daughter, Twilight. I should have realized how she was reacting and tried to devote more time and attention to the one who needed me most. But I allowed my eagerness to save Luna to consume me and in my zeal to prepare you to one day face her I neglected the filly to whom I was the most important thing in the world."

Tears returned to Celestia's eyes as the image of Sunset as a foal entered her mind. She remembered the fear and worry on Sunset's face, unable to understand what had changed. “As she grew more and more unhappy she began spurning her friends and trying ever harder to earn my attention again, but when I didn’t respond she started to become angry at me for not recognizing all her efforts. She started becoming arrogant and distant, arguing with me constantly, but I didn't realize that beneath that façade was a very insecure filly who was being starved of attention and beginning to doubt her self-worth. The only thing I noticed was how far she had fallen. I tried to teach her the importance of humility, but that was doomed to fail because I didn't address the cause of her arrogance. All I could see was how combative and defiant she had become.

“And then I showed her the Crystal Mirror. The mirror is a gateway to incredible potential, but in it Sunset caught a glimpse of the destiny she missed - that of being an alicorn, the Princess of Friendship. She became obsessed with it and began researching it in secret. When I discovered her I was furious. I have practiced my composure for hundreds of years, but I shamefully lost my temper when she hurled a book at me. Things came to a head, and I ordered her to be escorted out of the palace. I thought it would separate her from the Mirror and give her time to think about the path she was heading down or get over her obsession, but honestly that was the stupidest thing I could have done. Of course she would have seen it as the final act of casting her aside for you. But I acted rashly and by the time I had come to my senses she was gone.”

Twilight hadn’t spoken in a while. She still seemed to be thinking.

“Why didn’t you try to look for her?” she whispered.

“I did! I went through the portal that very night but Sunset was nowhere to be found. I searched as best as I could, but there was so much in that world I could not understand, and I was completely without magic to help me. Then I had to return before dawn to raise the sun, and I realized that I could not catch up with her and didn’t even know what she looked like after turning into a human.

“I kept the mirror in my throne room for years, but it became apparent that if Sunset was still alive she no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. After you defeated Sombra, I sent the mirror to Cadance in the hope that if Sunset ever returned she would be able to convince her to stay. Then during the night of the Princess Summit she did return… and you know what she did. It took every ounce of self-restraint I had to avoid breaking down when I heard she was still alive, and when I explained how she never came back I think I almost cracked. I cannot tell you how happy I was when you returned after facing her and told me she was well.”

Celestia looked up into Twilight’s emotion-filled eyes. But it was not sympathy or compassion that Celestia saw in them.

It was disappointment.

Shaking her head slowly, Twilight spoke.

“How could you do that to your own flesh and blood...”

Celestia visibly wilted.

Twilight gave her a pained look. “I can’t even imagine how it must have felt for a little filly to watch her own mother replace her with an outsider. How do you think it makes me feel to be the one who replaced her?" She closed her eyes as she recalled memories from her foalhood. “Do you think I never noticed with all the... all the late-night study sessions, or our little sleepovers? When I grew older I thought it was weird that you wanted to spend so much time teaching me after school hours, but now I know you were just... playing mommy with me. I always felt that under all that independence and confidence Sunset Shimmer is so much like me. But I just realized that the reason for that is because you tried to make me exactly what you hoped she would become before you... moved on from her. Tell me honestly, Princess... that was why you kept me so close, wasn't it? You lost Sunset, and so you tried to have me take her place..."

Celestia nodded guiltily.

Twilight exhaled in frustration. "Do you even know what that did to me? I grew up idolizing you, Celestia. My self-worth was so completely dependent on your approval that whenever I thought I might have made even the tiniest mistake, I... I flipped. I know when I got older you tried to get me to be more independent, to make my own friends and live my own life, but for the longest time I was still desperate for your favor. I mean, I got so worked up before my first Grand Galloping Gala just because I thought... I thought I would get to spend time with you."

She suddenly recalled one of the revelations from the day before. "Did you know that Sunset Shimmer came back thirty moons later?"

Celestia's jaw dropped.

"She told me she returned only to see me being taught by you. She must have been crushed when she saw all of her worst fears confirmed... to find out that you did replace her with me." Twilight put one hoof to her forehead. "I never got it until now, but everything that happened at CHS finally makes sense. When Sunset first met me beyond the mirror, all she could talk about was how I was only the best you could do after you let her go. I just realized that she wasn’t trying to convince me, she was trying to convince herself. And I thought that her plan to invade Equestria with a bunch of mind-controlled high school students was ridiculous, but that was never really what she wanted, was it? She just wanted to show you what all your lessons had turned her into. You hurt her so badly all she wanted to do was hurt you back."

Twilight gazed at the floor and sagged. "No wonder she can’t figure out how she feels about me, because every time she sees me she can’t help but be reminded of what she... she couldn’t live up to. I thought she was crazy and evil back then, but all along she was just a hurt little filly trying to fulfill the literally impossible standards her mother had set for her. Because no matter what she did, there was no way she could actually... be me, was there? Can you blame her for trying? She stole my crown, tried to become a princess, and craved magical power because until the day she let it all go she still wanted to be that little filly you raised her to be.

“And now she’s finally grown up and realized she doesn’t need your approval to be her own pony. No wonder she can't bear to see you. You were all she had, Celestia. And you let her go."

It felt strange, lecturing her teacher. By the time Twilight was done the elder alicorn was hanging her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Celestia nodded, sobbing. “I know… I know.”

Twilight took her mentor's hoof into her own. "Celestia... I'm not your daughter. I can't be. At the end of every day I went home to my own parents and it was their lessons and examples that made me the mare I am today. You taught me about magic, gave me advice and helped me so much when I was growing up, and to me you're my idol and role model, but not... not my mother. I'm sorry."

Twilight stood up, her eyes now filled with determination. “I have to go talk to Sunset.”

Before she could go, Princess Celestia stopped her. "Twilight, tell me please... does Sunset hate me?"

Twilight sighed. "I really don't know. I can't... I can't speak for her. I don't know if she's just afraid to talk to you or if she really never wants to see you ever again. The only thing I'm sure of is that she hasn't moved on from you."

Celestia's eyes fell, downcast. "I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I still love her with all my heart, Twilight. I'd do anything to see her again. I would give up the Sun to have my Sunset back."

Twilight turned away, nodding slowly.

"I'll tell her you said that."