The Misadventures of Rapidsnap: Fighting with Myself

My eyes slowly opened, straight away I groan as the light in the room caused a headache to throb even more. As my vision adjusted to the light, I realised that I wasn't anywhere pleasant. More precisely I was in the cells at the guard post in Cloudsdale again.

I sit up on the bed and tried to figure out the reason to why I ended up in this cell. Certainly I was familiar with the place having been locked up a number of times during my teenage years due to various pranks, mishaps and incidents. But to be honest, this is the first time I've been back in the cells for five years.

Last time I was here was when I had just turned eighteen, and well as most eighteen year old ponies would do would be to drink alcohol. Stupidly despite having way to much to drink, I decided to challenge anyone to a drinking contest, and end up going up against a mare with a rainbow coloured mane. It was soon realised that this mare was only sixteen and we had just gave her alcohol, though thinking back I wasn't sure which was worse, the almighty telling off we got or the fact that this mare actually drank me under the table and won the contest.

Since that day, I vowed to change my ways and stick to the right side of the law. In fact I even managed to get a job as a photographer for the Cloudsdale Chronicle, even living up to my name by being quick to get photographs of various events and incidents, but I was worried my job was at risk at ending up in here. What on Equestria did I do to end up here? All I remember was that I was taking photographs of Princess Celestia's visit to Cloudsdale. I wonder if the prison guard knows how I ended up in here.

With this thought, I pulled myself out of the bed. It felt like I had been lying there for sometime as I was feeling stiff as a board. So with this in mind, I decided to give my body and wings a nice stretch, sighing contently as various bones and joins cracked and popped.

After I was done, I decided to head to the cell door to get the guards attention. Thankfully Cloudsdale Jail wasn't a major place and normally pretty quiet. Usually the time you were in here ranged from a few hours to a few days and probably relieve you of a few bits on top of that. Anything more serious you were dragged off to the courts and ended up in the dungeons in Canterlot.

Thinking about past stays in here, I started wondering if Skywatch was still the guard here. He was an oldish Pegasus stallion with a grey coat, black mane complete with dark green eyes. But despite him being a guard here, I always ended up getting on quite well with him, despite being in trouble all the time.

I walked over to the cell door and started to call out. “Hello, is there anypony around?” Straight away I could here someone stir in the distance, before a sound of hoof steps could be heard heading down the corridor to my cell.

“Well there's a voice I ain't heard in a long time,” a voice called out. “Rapidsnap, what have you done this time? You ain't been fighting again in the town square have you?”

“Skywatch,” I called out. “It's so nice to see you again and to be honest, I have no idea what I have done this time, I was hoping you would have known.”

“Well,” the old guard paused briefly. “You were brought in unconscious by some Royal Guards about fifteen hours ago. They never said much, just told me to keep you out of the way and you will be dealt with later.”

“Oh, that doesn't sound very good,” I sighed as I sat down on my haunches. “It sounds like I'm in serious trouble. I can't remember what I done, I was taking photos one moment, then I end up waking up here.”

“Well, it's good you're awake, and you'll find out soon enough about  what you done,” Skywatch sighed as he turned away from the cell door. “Look, now you're awake, I'm going to have to let them know. But for your sake lad, I hope you didn't do something stupid.”

I sighed inwardly as I watched Skywatch walk away. Right now my brain was going ten million miles a second with worst case scenarios. What did I do? Did I grope the Princess? Did I spill punch on her? Did I insult her?. Oh crap I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to be exiled from Cloudsdale, no I'm going to be banished to the Moon. I slump to the ground and awaited the arrival of the Royal Guard.

Ten, twenty maybe even thirty minutes had gone by. To be honest it's hard to tell when I'm feeling so scared about what was about to happen to you. Quite simply I couldn't remember what I had done to end up here. After what seemed like forever, my ear twitches as I hear multiple hoofsteps approaching my location. Shaking, I retreated to the back of my cell, not that it would have made any difference, they had the keys to my cell and they would have still gotten in.

The cell door opened with a creak. In filed three of Princess Celestia's Royal Guards which made the room feel very crowded. All three of them stared at me, and if looks could kill, I would have been dead and buried by now. I continued to cower in the corner of my cell. Whilst doing so, I look over the three guards. Two of them were Pegasus ponies, one was a mare, whilst the other was a stallion, these two had matching white coats and blue eyes, to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if these two were twins. The third guard surprised me more, especially with it being Cloudsdale, here stood before me was a grey Unicorn stallion, who without a doubt was using a cloud walking spell.

The Unicorn guard marched up to me and stared at me with his emerald green eyes. It was as if he was trying to read my mind. Good luck trying to read gibberish I thought. Suddenly I jumped in shock when he said my name.

“Rapidsnap,” he spoke in a authoritative tone. “You are to come with us to explain your actions to Princess Celestia, and receive punishment for your misdeeds.”

I gulped. “B-but I don't know what I have done wrong. I can't remember a thing I've done, all I remember is I was photographing one moment then ended up...”

“Don't play dumb with us you piece of crap,” the Pegasus mare interrupted. “I caught you with your camera near to where the Princess was having some private time.”

“W-what?” I stammered. “W-why would I be doing a thing like that, I'm a professional photographer, I work for the Cloudsdale Chronicle.”

“Yeah yeah, that's what they all say,” said the other Pegasus guard.

“But I'm telling the bucking truth,” I cried. “Check with the local papers, check my records, check....” I hear a crack and a pain in my jaw. I glared at the Unicorn guard who had just hit me to stop my jabbering.

Worryingly a smug smile appeared on the face of the Unicorn guard. “Oh we have checked your records,” he said smugly. “It seems like you are quite the troublemaker.”

“But that was years ago,” I interrupted. “I've changed my ways since then, I..” Another hit to my face silenced me.

“Shut your trap,” growled the Unicorn. “I've seen what you have done, you are just letting the heat die down. Especially after your last indiscretion of getting one of the now Elements of Harmony under the influence of Alcohol when she was under the legal drinking age.”

“Look,” I pleaded. “I wasn't intending on doing anything to her, it was just a drinking con...” another blow to the face, this time knocking me to the ground. The Unicorn guard stood over me and bent down to my ear.

“Now listen here,” he spat. “Even if you were intending to or not, you are still a filthy lawbreaker. Now are you going to shut up and come along quietly, or do we have to knock you out again, because quite frankly I'm sick of wasting my time with you useless pile of crap.”

I start shaking out of anger. “I'm not useless, I'm not a piece of crap,” I shouted.

The Unicorn growled at me. “Enough!” He barked. Striking another blow to my head. My vision starts fading to black and my eyes get heavy. I could hear him bragging as I passed out, but his words reached my ears. “I love it when they don't keep quiet and I get to beat them up a bit,” he laughed. The pain intensified and everything just went black.

Head throbbing once again, I slowly open my eyes. My body was aching as if I had been slammed to the ground repeatedly, though in all likelihood that was probably what did happen to me. One thing I was sure of was that I was no longer in the jail cell. Judging by the softness underhoof, I deducted that I was now at the place where the Princesses stayed whenever they stayed in Cloudsdale.

“Finally,” a voice called out. “About time you woke up, you do know it's rude to keep royalty waiting.”

With a painful groan, I raised myself up. “You didn't have to knock me out again,” I spat at the unicorn guard.

“Stop whinging you cry baby,” the guard shouted back.

What happened in the next few moments surprised everyone in the room. I started to growl like some feral beast at the guard who just insulted me. “I show you a bucking cry baby.” I roared as I lunged at the unicorn. A foolish thing to do, but as I was seeing red and took leave of all common sense. The unicorn grabbed me with his magic as the two Pegasi guards piled on top of me, resulting in a very uneven fight which didn't last long. But what did I expect as I was outnumbered three to one, the end result was no surprise, muggings here zero, royal guards one.

I wasn't allowed to recover after my beating, as I was soon dragged onto my hooves and my battered and bruised was led into the room where Princess Celestia was awaiting my arrival. I limped to stand in front of her and bowed, I looked at her out of my good eye, I wasn't sure what I could see was a good thing, her face bared no emotion whatsoever. Straight away my mind went into overdrive, she isn't happy, I'm going to be banished to the moon, especially since I went for her guards. What will I do up there, can I breathe up there, how did Princess Luna survive, what will I eat and drink. I break from my thoughts as she coughs drawing my attention.

“Captain Stonehoof,” she speaks sternly. “For what crime is this pony here in front of me for?”

The Unicorn guard stood in front of me. “Your majesty, the pony known as Rapidsnap is here as a result of a number of crimes,” he said as he glared at me. “The latest one being was when he went to attack myself and my two fellow guards who came with me to collect him from his holding cell.”

The Princess looked at me, I'm certain the way she was looking at me was to work out how much magic she would require to banish me to the moon, which to be honest wouldn't be much. To my complete surprise she spoke to me. “Rapidsnap,” she enquired. “May I ask where you gained your injuries.”

Looking up at her, I could see her face has changed to one of concern. “Well your majesty,” I started as I quickly glanced to the Unicorn guard. “I received these injuries at the hoofs of the guard who I tried to fight with.”

“Hmm,” she pondered. “That is a rather foolish thing to do my little pony, especially when with my guard being trained in many forms of combat. So what made you do something stupid like that?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I couldn't help notice that the Captain Stonehoof face had turned several shades lighter, do I detect an equaliser coming on I mused. I quickly gathered my thoughts together. “Well Princess, in brief I woke up in a prison cell not wondering where I am or what I had done. Then Captain Stonehead showed up with his goons...”

“It's Stonehoof!” the Captain interrupted.

“Whatever,” I interjected back, and continued as I quickly noticed the Princess wasn't happy with the outburst. “Anyway I tried to plead my case, and the Captain here repeatedly hit me across the head with his hoof a number of times before I was knocked out.” At that moment I felt the room go very cold, but I continued. “I then woke up in that room back there, where your Captain slagged me off telling me to stop moaning and calling me a crybaby, and that's when I went for him, and well as you can see, you can guess the end result,” I gestured with my hoof showing my battered and bruised body.

The mood on Princess Celestia's face shifted to a dark mood and turned to her captain. “If what this pony says is true, then you will be in serious trouble. In fact you will be demoted quicker than one of Pinkie Pies surprise parties.”

The guard loudly gulped, yup a sign of guilt. I turned and looked at the Princess. “Excuse me your majesty, but what is a Pink..” To my surprise me vision became filled with pink and I fall onto my haunches. My vision cleared to find a shocking pink mare with a matching mane bouncing in front of me.

“Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!” the mare said whilst still bouncing. “I'm here to throw you a I don't know who Pinkie Pie is party especially for you.” Out nowhere, she pulls out a cannon, I suddenly panicked fearing that she was about to send me to the moon. I cower in fear and hear a bang, expecting the worse, I was surprised to find balloons and confetti raining down around me.

I sat on my haunches speechless with my mouth just opening and closing trying to get a sentence out. “How, how did you do that?”.

She looks at me, despite her still bouncing which was getting quite hypnotic. “Oh that's easy silly. I have...”

“Pinkie Pie,” Celestia interrupted her. “Now is not the time or place to have a party.”

For the first time, the pink one stopped bouncing, and I'm sure her mane deflated a little bit too. “Awwww, but this guy looks in need of cheering up,” she said looking over me. I cocked my head slightly in response, though more out of confusion.

“I know you like to throw parties for everypony, but now is not the time, and I'm sure when this is over, he can come and visit you in Ponyville,” said Celestia.

“Okie dokie lokie,” the Pink mare said as her mane suddenly re-inflated as she turned to me and looked me over. “So are you going to Pinkie Promise me that you will visit me in Ponyville soon.”

I pondered, I don't really want to go to Ponyville, nor do I really want to go to the party. But I don't want to offend her, foolishly I caved in. “Sure why not.”

“You need to Pinkie Promise,” she interjected.

“Fine I promise to come and visit you, trust me.” I reply sounding a bit grumpy.

“That's not how you do it properly grumpy hoofs, just repeat after me,” she gestured.

“Eh, what?”, I sigh. “Fine whatever.” I could see the Captain starting to smirk for some reason.

“Right,” began the mare as she sat in front of me. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” As she gestured the motions. I roll my good eye, fine I thought, I play along.

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my ARGH!” Bad mistake, I just poked my good eye. I could hear the unicorn guard snuff a laugh at my predicament.

“Yay!” Cheered Pinkie Pie. “I see you real soon my new friend, and remember if you break the Pinkie Promise you will lose my trust forever and I will also come looking for you silly.”

Rolling around in complete agony, I strained out a response, “Yes, I be there when I can,” I said painfully. Then suddenly the Pink one disappeared just like that, I started to wonder if I had just imagined them last few moments. I look around in confusion. “Eh? What? How did she do that?” I questioned.

“I wouldn't worry too much about that,” assured the Princess. “It's best to not try and work out how Pinkie Pie works, Princess Twilight Sparkle already learnt that lesson the hard way.”

“Shouldn't have done a Pinkie Promise,” muttered the unicorn guard.

I turned and glared at him. “And what do you mean by that?” I growled.

The guard smiled slyly. “Well, why don't you break..”

“Captain Stonehoof!” Shouted Celestia. “You only speak when you are asked to.” The guard noticeably flinches and his muzzle snaps shut. The Princess turns to me and smiles. “My advice to you Rapidsnap is to is that you keep that promise you have just made. Anyway you never know, you might enjoy it and make some new friends.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, I don't have time for stuff like this, especially if it got in the way of work. I forced a small smile and looked at her. “I will try my best to attend.”

“Very good,” she beamed. “Now where were we before our pink interruption. Ah yes, Captain Stonehoof, what else is this pony accused of?”

Startled, the Captain shifted to attention. “Your Majesty, this pony was found snooping around the entrance to the room where you were having a bit of private time to yourself.” The Princess raised her eyebrow at this. “The guard that caught him suspected that he was trying to get scandalous photos of you again...”

“What do you bucking mean again?” I interrupted, as soon as I finished my question, my muzzle was forced shut by a magical spell. Looking at the guard it came to no surprised that he was the source of the spell as his horn glowed.

“Silence, I warned you earlier about your conduct earlier,” the guard growled at me. A cough occurred in the room disrupting his rant at me, and he looked around seeing where it came from. Then suddenly a look of somepony emptying their bowels in fright appeared on his face. I turned my head to see if he actually had or not, disappointingly he hadn't, but I could help notice that he had a rather nice plot. Just a shame it was attached to such a douche-bag.

The Princess's voice woke me from my stupor. “Captain Stonehoof, I must point out that the excessive force you are using on this pony is unneeded and unacceptable. Also if I were you, I would cease that spell and finish telling me what happened.” With this the magic eased around my muzzle. I open and closed my mouth a few times just to ease off the muscles that tightened because of the spell.

“I'm so sorry your highness,” the Captain grovelled. “So anyway, the accused was found snooping around your room with his camera. My colleagues here suspected he was trying to get some photos that would tarnish your image, just like that cake image that was printed in that newspaper in Ponyville.” There's that Ponyville place mentioned again I thought. The guard continued with his lies. “So my guards apprehended the suspect and destroyed his camera and any images that may have been on it.”

“What!?” I cried out, “that camera cost me 300 bits. I need it for my job.”

The guard turned at me and stared at me. “Trust me, you won't need it where you are going.” He turned back to face the Princess. “Also your Majesty, whilst checking up on the suspect, we came across a shocking incident that happened many years ago involving one Rainbow Dash.” The guard turned to look at me as if to say you're screwed now.

Princess Celestia shifted her position slightly as this name was mentioned. “How has one of the Elements of Harmony become involved with this?” She asked.

“Well, this suspect was arrested after it was found supplying alcoholic drinks to Miss Rainbow Dash who was under the drinking age at the time and I suspect that it was so he could get his way with her,” the guard finished giving me a look of disgust.

My face went very pale at the mention of this. “I, I, I wouldn't do something like that, I know I was a troublemaker, but I'm not the sort of pony to get a mare drunk so I can have my way with her,” I pleaded.

The Princess looked at me and at the Captain. I knew it, I was doomed. It was his word against mine, and he was royal guard, the odds were in his favour. After a few moments of awkward silence, the Princess spoke. “Captain Stonehoof, did you actually do any proper investigation into either of these crimes.”

The guard shifted uncomfortably. “Well, erm, you see your majesty, I just read the brief at the start of the report and just assumed that he was one of just ponies who want to get any mares flank.”

“I see,” replied Celestia looking rather unimpressed. “You've been jumping to conclusion again, you've got a history of this. By any chance did you actually ask this pony why he was near my room when you apprehended him?”

The Captain gulped, and looked down. “Well nope your highness. You see we just assumed that he was out to get photos with the camera around his neck.”

The Princess shook her head. “That's not good enough Captain,” she turned to me. “So Rapidsnap, what were you doing near my room.”

I looked up at the Princess and blush slightly. “Well your majesty, I was at the refreshment lounge for the press, and I kind of had a bit too much to drink and was looking for the little colts room and ended up a little lost.” I said sheepishly.

The Princess smiled, “that's all I need to know.” She turned back to the Captain, “You see Captain Stonehoof, this could have been avoided if you squad had asked questions first before assaulting this innocent little pony.”

The Captain didn't look best pleased. “But what about the thing with Rainbow Dash?” He questioned. “Surely he should be punished for that, as I read in the brief that he got off quite lightly for something that should have been severely punished.”

Celestia frowned at the Captain. “As I said before captain, you jumped to conclusions. If you actually read the full report, your would have gotten the whole truth about the incident.” She settled to a more relaxed position. “You see I already know about this case from Rainbow Dash herself, as when she was quite a little rebel when she was younger. In fact she mentioned she tricked this stallion here into a drinking competition and he had to pay because she beat him.” I raised a hoof to hide my embarrassment as I could hear the two Pegasus guards snigger, the Captain however wasn't in the mood for laughing. “And also from the way he was looking at your plot before, I'm not sure if he's interested in mares.” Ah buck busted I thought as my face turned red.

“But, but, but he's got to be guilty,” the captain cried rather red in the face from Celestia's revelation. “What about his attack on us before? Lieutenant Airblast, Lieutenant Airswipe back me up on this.”

“We were just following orders Captain.” The two Pegasus guards replied in unison.

“Stonehoof, cease and be quiet,” ordered Celestia. “I've made my decision, and the pony Rapidsnap is innocent, yes he was wrong to attack you and your crew, but after what you done to him beforehand it is understandable to why he done it, also he will be awarded damages which will come from your wages to replace the camera you destroyed. Lieutenants Airblast and Airswipe will provide 150 bits each, whilst you Stonehoof will supply 300 bits.”

“What? How?,” Stonehoof cried. “His camera was only worth 300 bits.”

“I know it was,” replied Celestia. “But you caused this pony untold emotional stress, he may never trust the Royal Guard fully again. So it's only right that he gets more than what the camera was worth.” A serious look fell across her face. “Also Stonehoof, you are being stripped of your rank as Captain and demoted to Sergeant, a Captain does not jump to conclusions and should investigate every possibility, hopefully training through the ranks again will help you see the error of your ways.” She turns and looks at the two Pegasi guards who noticeably cower. “Airblast and Airswipe, you are to be assigned the task of cleaning all of the public toilets in Canterlot and all of the toilets in the barracks for three months.”

The two Pegasi breathed a sigh of relief. “Yes your majesty.” They responded in unison.

The Princess turns to me and smiled. “I'm so sorry Rapidsnap for what has happened to you, I hope you can accept my apologies for this unfortunate incident. Anyway you are free to go and I hope you enjoy Pinkie Pies party in Ponyville.”

I smile back, they not going to let me forget about that party, it's not the end of the world if I miss it. Breathing a sigh of relief I bow to the Princess. “Thank you your highness. May you have a safe trip back to Canterlot.” I turn and head out of the room and back to my apartment.

I get back to my apartment, and notice two letters waiting for me on my doormat. Picking them up I take them to my bedroom and put them down on the dresser. I looked myself over in the mirror examining the cuts and bruises to my face. Hmm I thought, it could take a few days for these to clear. I turn my attention to the letters, the first one I opened had a royal seal on it. The Princess must have been quick, as inside was a cheque for 600 bits, I smiled when I see it, I can finally get a decent camera for my job.

I turn my attention to the other letter, it was in a pink envelope with balloons on it. Opening it I got a shock as confetti shot out, inside was an invitation to a party hosted by Pinkie Pie that was taking place in two weeks time. I rolled my eyes seeing this and muttered to myself. “I'm not wasting my time with that, promise or no promise.” I looked up in the mirror and nearly fell off my seat.

Looking at me through my mirror was that crazy pink mare. She stared at me. “Remember,” she called out. “Losing a friends trust is the quickest way to losing a friend forever!!”

“What? How you even? Get out of my home?” I cried.

“Forever!!” she cries as she fades from the mirror.

My head hits the dresser. I think I'm going crazy. “What on earth am I going to do?” I call out to no-one in particular.

“Well go to my party in two weeks silly.” came a bubbly voice.

My head shoots up. “I told you to get out,” I shouted suddenly realising she wasn't in my mirror. “I'm going mad.” I get up off my seat and head to my bed only to bump into a pink muzzle. “Aargh!” I screamed falling over my seat.

I heard a giggle. “You're funny, you're going to be great at my party. See you later alligator.” called out the Pink Mare as she bounced around my room and out the window. I shook my head and just passed out on the floor.