The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I blame the following monstrosity on Frank DuFresne (Doc). His offhand comment stuck in my head and played out in my dreams last night. Here’s to you Frank.

We both run as fast as we can to Sweet Apple Acres and get there in a third the time it should have taken. We tear into the farm and race to the area where Granny Smith, Applejack, and Applebloom are already mashing apple with a large machine and pouring the resulting liquids into tubs. We slow to a jog as we approach. Applejack hops off the treadmill wheel on the machine and glares at us.

“Jus where in tha Sam hill have you two been?!?”

“Uh, fishing. We were fishing down at the crick sis.” Big Mac lies.

“Having sex!” I reply with pleasure.

All eyes are on me except mac’s, he’s busy facehoofing and swearing at me under his breath.

“Whas that sonny? You say you an Mac were off doin’ WHAT?!?”

“What the hell? With who, Oh Celestia, not with,” Applejack points at us and swings her hooves back and forth. “Each other, right?”

“What’s sex?” Applebloom asks innocently.

“Nothin’ ya need to be concerned about Applebloom!” shouts AJ.

“Sex is jus bout mah fav’rite hobby,” Granny Smith quips as she trots over and smacks my ass and Mac’s. “Atta boys, who’d ya get? Hmm, hmm?”

“GRANNY!” Mac and AJ both call out. I just rub my sore ass, Big Mac already made me sore but now I’m gonna have a bruise because of how hard Granny Smith smacked me. God, I know I sound like a pussy but the old lady packs a wallop.

Off to the side I hear Applebloom talking to herself. “Ah wonder if ah can git a cutie mark for sex? CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SEX STARS GO!!!”

Granny Smith pats Applebloom on the head. “Go get ’em squirt, ride those stallions like the cowpony you are. Back in mah day, before mah hip wen out, I had a line of fellers as far as tha eye coul see jus waitin’ to taste mah sweet apple pie, an I’m not talking about the pastry!”

“GRANNY!!!” Mac and AJ scream as I fall to the ground laughing.

For the next ten minute Mac covers his ears and AJ makes ‘lalalala I'm not listening lalalala’ noises as Granny smith describes her long (Very long) list of suitors, what they did to woo her and how one stallion with a great ‘plot’(The same stallion that Mac and AJ call grandpa) won her over. She never once skimped on details. Applebloom sits and listens in awe, just imagining all the crazy, sexy shenanigans that the CMC would soon get in. “We should invite Spike over! Oh oh and Pip and featherweight to, then it would be even better.” As all of this is happening im leaning against a tree and laughing so hard that it hurt.

“Everypony jus STOP!” Cries Applejack. I can hear and feel the fury in her words. “We’re already late enough cause a these two horndogs screwin' around! Now lets get to work. Bro, you get on the wheel and start runnin’ jus pretend your sweetheart is in front of ya. Lafe, you get on dumpin’ these hear barrels into this here shoot. Got it?”

“Eeyuup sis.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Granny, you an ah will keep getting’ the juices in the packages, Applebloom you keep checkin’ all the apples before Lafe dumps ’em. And there is no way in Tartarus that you are having any boys over for such things! You’re nowhere near old enough. Got it?”

“Yep sis.” Applebloom seems devastated that she can’t ride all the boys in her class like Granny said but she goes back to work like she’s already over it.

We all get in the groove of working and no one speaks for almost a half hour. Finally Applejack breaks the white noise of Mac’s heavy breathing and the machine’s clunking.

“So who were you fellers ‘out’ with anyway?”

“Fluttershy.” Mac and I say as one.

“Wait, she’s bucking both of ya, that don’t seem like ‘Shy to cheat on somepony.”

“Well sis, the thing is…”

“We were both ‘out’ with her at the same time.”

“WHAT!?!” Applejack stops her work to yell at us.

“Atta boys! That’s the best way too, one underneath an one on top. Ah tell ya, I can’t remember how many time I been sammiched in between two fine stallions. They always seemed to go at it together to. Good times, good times.”

Mac, AJ, and I all stare at Granny Smith. Applebloom had not heard (Thank God) and was still busy with her work.

“Ya’ll didn’t… like go at it with…each other while you were with ‘Shy, did ya?”

I look at Big Mac and he looks at me, he shakes his head a bit and I wink.

“No sis!”

“Absolutly!”

Applejack looks at me and gets up.

“You sayin’ mah brother a coltcuddler?”

“Yep, well no, I think he swings both ways if last night was any evidence.” I wink at Mac.

I look back to AJ just in time to see her back hooves bucking. Me.

“SHIT!” the impact sends me back a couple feet to where I crumple like a ragdoll. Amazingly, I find that nothing is broken, just bruised horribly.

I stand and laugh. Mac facehoofs again and starts plodding along on the wheel, Granny jumps into another story about a suitor that she had bucked all night, (I don’t think she means that she kicked him all that time) and AJ glares at me. I return to my task and start working double time in order to make up for dicking around (Literally) earlier.

I was already sore to begin with (Thanks Mac, even though part of it was Fluttershy and that…toy) and now I have another bruise on my ass and some aching ribs to add to it. I suck it up and keep working as Granny Smith enlightens us on the proper ways to try the positions described in the Karmare sutra. Today’s gonna be a long day.

This is in no way a part of the actual storyline or plot, it's just some random craziness to hold you guys over until the next chapter. So don't take this seriously at all.