The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

After another half hour of searching for Pinkie’s new house and teasing Twilight with bits of French, Latin, and Klingon we finally find the Pie residence.

“Damn.” I look at Twilight who nods and then back to the house. The witch in Hansel and Gretel would be green with envy if she saw this candy coated, frosting filled, gumdrop decorated, and so-good-you-could-break-a-tooth-trying-to-take-a-bite abode. Damn that was a lot of stupid descriptive shit in one sentence. Anyway the place looked like Pinkie had dropped a gallon of acid and PCP then decided to bake a life size gingerbread shrine to fudge and diabetes. Speaking of diabetes I can feel my blood sugar rising by just looking at this epic monstrosity of delectable pastries and various dessert foodstuffs.

I knock and a slightly less energetic than usual Pinkie opens the door. Bags hang from under both of her eyes, her mane isn’t as puffy as it used to be, there are a dozen or so green curlers in it trying to restore her natural poof but failing miserably, and I can tell that she has put on some weight. The worst thing though is her lips, instead of the ever present smile I remember I actually see a *Gasp!* frown!

“Hey Diane, why so down?” I ask. Pinkie looks up at me and doesn’t say anything, maybe she’s so tired that my words are still processing in her mind.

“Pinkie, are you alright?” Twilight asks from beside me.

“Huh? Oh, OH! It’s you guys! I wasn’t expecting you until later. Sorry I’m just real worn out; the foals take up so much time and energy. I thought taking care of the cakes kids was bad but now I know what hel… BUTTERSCOTCH! Stop hitting your sister! And Sprinkles, you had better stop trying to set the kitchen on fire. Oh sweet Celestia, PUT THE KNIVES DOWN NOW, JOEY!” Pinkie screams into the house and then turns back to us, an exasperated smile clings to her muzzle as if it’s terrified it might fall any moment. “Please, come on in.” Pinkie forces a cheery attitude but I can tell just how stressed she is.

We enter the disaster zone, er, I mean house, and see toys littering the ground and four young foals scattered around the living room. A filly with her mother’s hair and her father’s coat is swinging at a brunette filly with long pink curls who is bawling and screaming at the top of her lungs, Sprinkles, I assume, walks out of the kitchen carrying a tray of burning cupcakes, a spitting image of Joe, only smaller, is running in circles with a knife tray balanced on his back, and a light gold colt with orangeish hair and a square jar sits quietly in a corner drawing on the wall with crayons. Hmm, that color scheme seems vaguely familiar. My thoughts are interrupted by Pinkie shouting again.

“PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, WILL YOU FOALS BEHAVE FOR JUST ONE HOUR!?!” Pinkie gulps air and chokes back a sob, the children all look at her and then go right back to misbehaving.

“Pinkie,” I say. “I’ve got this.” I take a deep breath and jump into drill sergeant mode,

“LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE HEATHENS,” All eyes are on me, all acts of destruction cease for a moment. “NONE OF YOU KNOW ME BUT YOUR MOTHER DOES,” I return to a quieter, but still strict and firm voice. “I am your uncle Lafe, now i expect you to start behaving right now.”

The five foals look at me and laugh. The little shits actually have the balls to laugh at me. Oh it’s on now bitches.

I pull my pistol from my holster and fire twice at the ground, the foals freeze.

“I don’t know who you think I am, but let me tell you this, I’m someone to listen to and obey, GOT IT?! Now I EXPECT you children to start behaving for your mother. If you don’t I’m sure she would LOVE for me to come over and babysit you all. Now what would you rather have happen, behave for your parents or be watched by ME?”

The foals cower a bit and one brave, or maybe stupid, soul stands up and speaks.

“We’ll behave, we swear, don’t we guys?” the other four foals nod vigorously and start to clean their messes up.

“Good, now you mother needs to talk with me so we’ll be in the other room, so behave.” Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and I walk into the kitchen. “Oh, one more thing,” I poke my head out of the kitchen door. “If I hear about any of you misbehaving after this I WILL come over. Understand?” five foals nod once more. “Good, now go play nice.”

I rejoin Twi and Pinkie at the kitchen, they’re both snickering and Pinkie’s mane looks back to normal.

“Thanks, they needed a firm talking too.” Says Pinkie.

“No problem, so what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

“I dunno.” For a full minute Twi and I both just stare at Pinkie, somehow exactly at the sixty second mark, she bursts into a fit of giggles.

“I’m so darn stressed I completely forgot what I wanted to tell you!” she laughs even harder. “Well thanks for stopping by anyway, maybe I’ll remember later. Oh, want a cupcake?”

We graciously accept the pastries and leave. Its about eleven thirty so we head in the direction of the Ponyville hospital for Twilights appointment with her OB-GYN.

“We’ll get to see if it’s a colt or a filly today, isn’t that great?!”

I smile and agree, it really is going to be great.