The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Why hello Celly, would you like to come in?”

I open the door wide and let the sun goddess into the main room of the library.

“Who’s here?” Twilight shouts from upstairs.

“Nobody,” I reply. “I’ll be up soon.”

“OK, well I’m going to lie down. Don’t take too long.”

“Sure thing Twi.”

I point out a couch to Celestia and we both take a seat, though she’s not in public I notice that her full regalia still adorns her alabaster body. Vein much?

“So you believe the princess of the land to be a ‘nobody’?”

“It’s not that, I just didn’t want Twilight coming down here. I figured that you and I need to have a talk and I’d rather not have her here with us. I’m sure you feel the same way Molestia.”

Celly glares at me, if looks could kill I’d be fucked right now.

“NEVER call me by that name again.” Her face is grim as she scolds me.

“Sorry princess, would you rather be called Trollestia? Tyrant Celestia? Oh, how about Soulless Sun?”

“Stop this now!”

I smile and lean into the back of the couch.

“The thing you may not know Celly is that we are quite alike. See I’ve been in your mind, I’ve seen your thoughts, I know you better than you even know yourself.”

“Whatever do you mean by that?”

“I saw why you felt those emotions, why you thought those things. Remember your injured wing from awhile back when I first returned?”

“Yes, it felt as though someone had dislocated it and forced it back into its socket. I still have no idea how it happened.”

“Well I do. I know how it happened because I did it."

“How can that be?!”

“That I’m not quite sure about, I know that after I found my magic, your lost magic I should say, on the moon I decided to go home. Next thing I know Jeffery is telling me to kill you so I head down to Canterlot and confront you. While there I beat you, broke both of your wings, killed Twilight, and then broke your neck.” Celestia shudders at my story. “I freaked out and threw Jeff away. I held Twilight and fell asleep. When I woke I was back on the moon. I still wanted to go home so I did; only problem was that I went to my old home. I saw my daughter and my wife and then I came back here. Well you were there for that.”

“Wait, who is this Jeffery person.” Tia questions me. I sigh and hold my hand out, after a moment Jeff appears in my grasp.

“Jeffery is the name I gave to my apple harvesting hammer; it is also the name of a demon in my mind. He houses all the anger, hate, aggression, and insanity in my mind. He makes my look at everything and think of a way to destroy it, he makes me eviscerate myself just to amuse him, one a few occasions he has made me kill others for him too.” I steady my ragged breathing and continue.

“I named the hammer after him in an attempt to please him and in hopes that I could wrench him from my psyche and store him into the tool. It worked well until you banished me; your magic seeped into my body and then when I summoned Jeff it seeped into him. We’re bonded both mentally and magically now. I forced him out of my mind but he can still fuck with me, just this afternoon he tricked me into seeing my son as a deformed, dying fetus rather than the healthy human baby he is. Dulcie finally started to help me again today; she cleared the hallucination away and cut away part of the bond. But he’s still there; even if he leaves I think a part of him will always be in me.” I sigh and rub my left eye without thinking.

“I understand,” says Celestia. “Soulless Sun is much the same for me, everyday he tells me to bring the sun in just a bit closer. Closer and closer every day until all but my sister, my niece, and I die from the heat. Every day I have to fight to keep my sun far enough away to protect my little ponies. On more than a few days I’ve let it drop dangerously close. So who is this Dulcie then?”

“Dulcie is an angel, a punk rock one at that, who has guided me since my youth, since Jeffery hijacked my mind. She means so much to me that I even named my fist born daughter after her. She guides me whenever I need it and usually whispers good things into one ear whenever Jeff is muttering evil things in the other. ‘Kill them, rape them, burn the alive and feast on their flesh’ he says to me, ‘Love them, embrace them, and give them hope’ she argues. It’s easy to ignore the devil when God is feeding you hints on where to go and what to do; lately she hasn’t been speaking to me so it becomes much harder not to fall in line with what Jeff would have me do. Even at this moment I hear them going at it, Jeff is saying I should tear your wings off and break your horn for what you’ve done to me, Dulcie is telling him to suck a dick and telling me to just hug you and forgive you now.”

My newly restored eye twitches for a few seconds and I smile at the ground. “I think I know which voice I want to listen to at the moment.”

I lean over towards Tia who looks frightened out of her mind. I wrap my hands around her through and whisper to her as a squeeze.

“I forgive you, can you forgive me?”

My grip loosens and my arms slide down to her shoulders and sit there lightly. I burry my teary eyes into her neck as I embrace her and wait for a reply.

“Yes, I forgive you Lafayette; I only hope you can do the same for me. After all I have taken a year from your life and from your time with Twilight.”

I let go of her creamy white body and slump back into the down cushioning of the bench. “So long as you stop fantasizing about fucking my fiancé we’ll be good.” Celly’s pale cheeks flush bright red and her wings unfold from her back, I laugh heartily. “That Molestia personality’s a bitch isn’t it?” She nods and tries to keep her wings in check.

“I do apologize for that, but you must understand that for nearly a decade Twilight was the only one besides my sister and Discord that I actually spent any quality time with. It was only natural that I grew fond of her. I will admit that I may have grown overly fond though.” She blushes again and giggles a bit.

“So I have to ask, were you and Discord…?” She dips her head down and mumbles something. “What was that?”

“Yes, yes we were lovers.”

“And half siblings, how kinky. By the way how the hell did that even happen?”

“My father had an odd fetish, many of them actually, involving dragons. Thinking back now I do believe the Molestia side of me was from my father. One day he brought Discord home to meet me and we became best friends and later lovers. It was not until after Discord went mad from the chaos in his soul that I learned of our relationship. None other than I and now you know it but my ‘nephew’ prince Blueblood and ‘niece’ princess Cadance are actually Discord’s and my children.

“Aw, well that explains … actually that explains very little but whatever. So I take it that Trollestia is some kind of practical joker and Tyrant is well a tyrant.”

“Yes, Trollestia developed from years of being with Discord and helping him spread a bit of harmless, fun chaos. Tyrant Celestia grew from the first century alone while Luna was banished. I grew violent and strict, thankfully discord returned to sanity long enough to comfort me and help me back to normal. When his mind went once more I brought Luna, at the time Nightmare Moon, back to Equestria and enlisted the elements of harmony, Twilight and her five close friends, to cure her of the voices controlling her.” Celestia seems depressed by the memory of this event.

“So I guess several of us have a few otherworldly personalities stuck in our minds that guide use, whether towards righteousness or evil.”

“I guess so.”

We sit awkwardly for a minute without either of us speaking, finally not being able to stand the tense silence a moment longer I shatter it with a question that had been gnawing at the back of my mind.

“So what happened between the hive queen of the changelings and you anyway?”

“Hmm?” Celestia looks up at me and blinks slowly. “Oh Chrysalis you mean. During Cadance’s wedding to Captain Armor she tried to infiltrate Equestria and siphon off all my subjects emotion. I tried to fight her but was defeated. After Cadance and Captain Armor sent her off by utilizing their love to over stimulate her and the Changelings I found her and got my revenge. Soulless Sun took over a bit there. And Molestia helped out. Oh that was a fun night.” We both guffaw at the absolutely apparent insanity of enjoying such an act. “Anyway after I … ‘dealt’ with her the Changelings began to bow to me. Now I am the Hivequeen, I oversee all of the hives actions and also get to mate with the breeders to produce new drones and warriors.” She winks at me. “That’s my favorite part!” We both laugh again and I pat her on the shoulder.

“I’m sure it is.”

We laugh and joke for a few more minutes until the conversation steers towards the upcoming wedding.

“If you would like,” Celestia begins to offer. “I would be more than willing to have it at the castle and preside over the ceremonies just as I did for Twilight’s brother.”

“I would like that but I was actually hoping I could find a priest. I would love to have a Catholic wedding and get my children baptized.” Celestia stares at me blankly.

“You’re Catholic?”

“Yes.”

“How… odd.”

“Why is that?”

“Most ponies are Catholic, myself included.” Now it’s my turn to stare blankly.

“Catholic, as in one God in three forms, Father, son, and holy spirit, who created all and allows the good into heaven and punishes the sinners with hell. That Catholicism, I mean we’re talking about the same thing right?”

“Yes, with a few differences of course, the good Lord, Shepherd and Creator, made my mother and father and gave them free roam over Equestria. He gave them the power to create whatever the wished. They made the Alicorn forms and then the three races of ponies, after that the made Dragons, Griffons, and countless other animals. Long after Luna and I were born the Lord asked them to run Caelopolus, a heavenly place were all go after their life is over. All sins are forgiven and all pains eased there. But essentially the two religions are the same I think, do you agree?”

“Yes, they are remarkably similar, too much so to possibly be a coincidence. I have another question for you then; a while ago I ate with the Apple family and at one point we discussed religion. Applebloom seemed not to know anything about it and Applejack got upset and angry when I talked about it. Any clue why?”

Celestia takes a long breathe and sighs deeply. “Some ponies feel that a God who they can’t see, hear, or directly communicate with can’t be real, but that two semi-divine sisters with great magical powers are true goddesses. There are a great many, the Apple family included probably, who worship Luna and I as deities. I have tried to end the practice before and fully disagree with the belief but some just will not be swayed. It seems that every time I assure one group of my little ponies that I am neither immortal of godly I just cement it as fact in another group.” I pat her on the foreleg and try to reassure her.

“Back on earth we have many religions, I believe that the true God will accept all who are good people whether they actually believe in him or not. To believe is optional, to behave is much more important.” Celestia thanks me just as a rather annoyed Twilight calls down to see if I’m coming to bed soon.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have some language lessons to teach now.” I show Tia out and she stops me before I can head upstairs.

“Do I even want to know what these ‘language lessons’ are?”

“Nope,” I say with a smile. “But you may want to know that my tongue will get a good workout here soon.” Celly and I both laugh as I shut the door and head up to Twilight’s room.

“Ego Pedicabo vos in asinum mi Novum.” I whisper into Twilight’s ear as I rub one of her teats. I can hear her whimper in ecstasy. For a good hour I teach my beautiful bride to be about the various languages of my home world. All the while I keep stealing glimpses of a large white figure trying, and failing miserably, to stay out of view as she watches the lessons through a window.

“Iustum expectare Molestia, ego irrumabo vos!”

Author's note: The words don't translate perfectly so beware.