The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Twilight and I drop Thaddeus and Starbright (I prefer the nickname rather than calling him Starlight Bright all the time.) off at Sweet Apple Acres. Mac and Caramel are there to watch them for us. We head back into town and towards Aloe&Lotus spa for our groups weekly get together.

“I still feel kind of weird going to the spa with you girls,” I complain as we drive into Ponyville.

“Yes, but you enjoy it don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” I snicker and pull in front of the building.

Inside we meet Rarity, AJ, Fluttershy, and Dash. Pinkie Pie is busy with catering a big to do in Bitsburg but promised to visit later. We all pay for the usual and sit down for the mani/pedi.

Aloe and Lotus make their way from one pony to the next and work as we chat and gossip.

“Have you heard about the storms brewing? My goodness it is just dreadful!” Rarity flails her hooves dramatically and a crack of thunder outside greatly exaggerates her drama.

“Yes, they are quite scary.” Fluttershy whimpers from her chair.

“Yep, the princesses even asked the WonderBolts to help clear the clouds over Canterlot but for every one we moved two more formed. Weird huh?” Dash shoos Aloe away from her hooves as she speaks.

“Odd, did something go wrong with the weather squadrons?” Twilight, ever the scientist, demands answers immediately.

“Nope, the Celestia damned things just keep popping up, we aren’t making ’em and we can’t seem to get rid of ’em.”

AJ glares at Dash for a moment but stays silent.

“You guys know that where I came from weather regulates itself, the best we can do is forecast what will happen and make sure our roves don’t leak.” I blow on my freshly trimmed and polished nails as I toss my two cents into the conversation.

“Really?” they all ask at once.

“Really.” I confirm.

The discussion wanders into politics and government, apparently Luna and Celestia are at odds over what to do about the recent creation of a Griffin paramilitary and drug trafficking in the Zebra lands. I guess Equestria isn’t all rainbows and shit after all.

“Just so you all know, if war should come to Equestria I do intend to enlist as an actual soldier.”

“You can’t be serious darling.” Rarity insists.

I lean back and look down at Lotus who is putting a second layer of polish on my toe nails. I don’t look very macho at the moment but fuck it; I owe it to this country for all it’s done for me, if I have to fight for it I will.

“I’ve fought in wars before; I’ll be fine fighting again. You may recall that I was a Master Sergeant in the Marines before I landed here.”

We get up and head over to the mud baths, I slide into a custom human sized pool of silt and minerals, Twilight joins me and our four friends step into their own tubs right next to us. Being the ass I am I ‘accidentally’ splash some mud on Rarity’s mane, I chuckle as she fumes but neither of us really care, it’ll wash out here in a bit. I tassel Twi’s mane with one hand and fondle her tail with the other under the mud. None of the others can see what exactly I’m doing but they notice the red in Twilights cheeks and blush themselves, Fluttershy in particular.

“So what is the standing relationship between Equestria and the Griffins?” I ask.

“Technically,” Twilight launches into lecture mode. “None. The Griffins don’t have a real government, just local tribes.”

“Ahh,” I begin to understand. “Like the Green Wind Tribe.”

“Wat chu be neddin brudda?” A raspy voice rumbles off behind us. We turn around to see none other than my brudda Jacob curled up on one of the nearby chairs and smoking a Jay.

“Jacob! Sorry bout that, I didn’t meant to call you, but since you’re here how about we do a bit of business.”

“Sure thang brudda, an you memba now, if you be callin da Green Wind Boys the Green Wind Boys be comin. Now where ya wanna do dis bidness at?” I excuse myself and hop out of the mud bath, after a wave of my hand I’m clean and dressed again.

“Mighty cool trick ya got there brudda, wicked lookin ‘and too, all metal an magic an sheet.”

“I’ll be back soon.” I shout to my friends as I snap my fingers and leave the salon.

Jacob and I stop by the library to find my stash near empty. He seems disappointed but I reassure him. “I got this bro.”

With another snap of my fingers we’re in front of Zecora’s hut.

We walk up and knock at the door, after a moment a vaguely familiar Zebra opens it.

“Wait a minute, are you the one who drugged me with that soup?” I pull my pistol out of its holster and glare at the striped rapist.

“No, that was not I, surely it was another guy.” I shrug and walk into the hut.

“Seems legit.”

Inside we find Zecora brewing something foul in a large couldren.

“Hey Zecora, I was wondering if you had any more herb for me and my boy here, I got coin a plenty for it.”

The voodoo priestess smiles and nods, her apprentice trots over to a table and fills a sack for each of us.

“Two pounds of hash, I hope you have plenty of cash.” He rhymes as we trade off coins for weed.

“Oh don’t you worry, there’s plenty where that came from.” I toss one sack to Jacob and slip the other into my pocket. Before we leave Jacob addresses Zecora.

“Yo, mess Zebra laday, how you feel bout supplyin my tribe with some a dis hashish? Is grade A sheet and my clan would pay top dolla for et. You could be rollin en coin by de end a de month if you open this here lucrative bidness wit da Green Wind boys.”

Zecora grins and stops her work at the cauldron. From a nearby drawer she retrieves a card.

“Your clan may call me for business only, but you may call me whenever you feel lonely.” Zecora grins even wider and turns back to her work, brushing her tail across Jacob's face as she does. We leave the hut and start walking back to town, Jacobs wings stand at attention the entire time as we stroll through the Everfree. He keeps looking at the card again and again.

“Me thinks me’s in love wit dat enchantress! Such charm, such wit, such beauty, and such booty! MmmMmm, I tell ya brudda,dat girl got it.” Jacob tucks the card safely into a small pack strapped to his shoulder along with the weed, we shake hands and he soars off into the sky. I stand in a clearing and smile for a moment, my accidental calling may have just gotten a friend laid later on. I shake my head and clasp my hands behind my back.

“Jacob, you better watch out, and whatever you do don’t drink the soup.” I laugh and jump back to the Spa. I say jump because that’s what it feels like whenever I teleport myself, how odd.

Back at the spa my friends have already moved out of the mud baths and into the sauna. I walk over and join them after stripping down to my boxers and obtaining a towel from a passing by employee. I find the steam room and open the door to find that all of my friends have decided to lie in the ‘I just don’t give a fuck’ position, even Rarity. They all look up when I enter and quickly readjust themselves to less exposing positions, all except Dash that is. I guess she takes the position seriously.

“I’m back,” I say as I sit down next to Twilight and stretch my legs out.

“Yes, we noticed that,” Twilight says irritably. “Where were you?”

“And who was that wretched fellow you were with?” Rarity asks.

“That ‘wretched fellow’ is a good friend and business associate of mine named Jacob. He’s a good guy though he could use a shower and a haircut; his dreadlocks are kind of nasty.”

“Oh, I remember him,” Dash spouts. “He was the guy who wouldn’t let you into the Bird’s nest and then got us a great table. Cool dude.”

“So that still doesn’t explain why he randomly popped up or where you two ran off to.” Twilight nags.

“When we first met I did him a favor, as a thank you he told me to call the name of his clan/tribe/whatever whenever I needed and he would help me out. I forgot and accidentally called him earlier when we were talking about the Griffins.” I lean into the wall and lace my fingers behind my head, I’m still not fully used to the odd feeling of my left hand against my right, it’s like metal covered in jam the moves and changes in thickness.

“OK, so what were you doing?” Twilight pries.

I groan and cave. “Fine, when I first met him he wouldn’t let me in so I threatened to beat him with Jeff, after he let me in I gave him a baggy of hash as a peace offering. Ever since then I’ve been buying from Zecora and selling to the Green wi… to his tribe. OK?”

Twilight looks puzzled. “Hash?” she asks.

“Yeah, you know, hash, hashish, weed, grass, dope, the reefer, pot, Mary Jane,” Dash is the only one who seems to know any of the slang I’m using so I switch to its common names. “Marijuana, Cannabis Sativa. Any of that ring a bell?” Fluttershy squirms a bit when I say marijuana and Twilight’s mind clicks at Cannabis.

“Oh, the drug. Wait, you’re dealing drugs?!!?”

“I blame Dash.” I throw my friend under the bus nonchalantly.

“What?!? How is this my fault?” the blue Pegasus shouts.

“If you hadn’t taken me to the Bird’s Nest,” I explain. “I never would have met Jacob and started selling. But you did and I am so oh well.”

We all leave the sauna and head for the pool. As we go Twi keeps shooting death glares at me. Once we’re in the water and no employees are around she jumps back into bitching at me.

“Do you know that selling Marijuana in Equestria is illegal?” she asks in a very pissed off tone.

“Just selling?” I ask. “Well in that case I’ll give it to them free of charge instead, I’m sure they would appreciate it. Now all I have to do start growing some in the basement…” My mind wanders off into thoughts of hydroponics and how much I’ll need to grow; the thoughts are rudely interrupted by Twilight.

“It’s illegal to grow as well!” she says.

“MEEP!”

We all turn around and look at a terrified Fluttershy.

“What’s the matter ’Shy?” Dash asks.

“Well, you see, I’ve kind of, maybe, growing a little in my garden. And when I say a little I mean a lot, like twenty plants.”

“Fluttershy! We all yell.

“Why didn’t you tell us? Dash and I would have been buying from you instead of Zecora.” I say with a straight face. Dash is the first to crack and is soon followed by everypony else. In a matter of minutes we’re all laughing at the stupid illegal things our friends do.

We say goodbye to our friends and offer Fluttershy a ride home seeing as how we have to stop by her place to pick up Thaddeus and Starbright anyway. As we drive down the dirt road towards the farm black clouds cover the sky and heavy rain pours onto us. I stop and quickly cover the sun roof again and then continue driving. Fluttershy bags another pound of pot for me as Twilight corrals the children. I thank Shy and slip her a few jeweled bits. “For the farm.” I say. I chat with Mac for a bit as Twi gets our boys into the truck, he says that Zapapple season is approaching and he’ll need my help. I promise to be there.

Twilight and I head home and discuss dinner on the way, pasta sounds good.

All the way back the storm continues to rage, it doesn’t die down until late at night. I stay up and watch as dark rains drops fall from the sky and hit the tin roof on our back porch. Twilight is inside reading a bedtime story to the twins, I’m out here worrying.

“Something’s up,” I whisper. “A storm like this isn’t natural, not even by Equestrian standards.” As I head in a massive bolt of lightning strikes in the Everfree, I can see the fire growing so I stop and douse the flames with a quick blast of magic. I walk into the house but I can’t shake the feeling that something was out in the rain, something as unnatural as this storm, something wicked, something...

Discordant.