The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Commander Armor?” Celestia says.

“Yes, your highness?” Shining replies.

“Two things; first, you may call me Celestia as we are in private, such titles are only necessary in public, secondly, could you fill us all in on the current situation?”

“Certainly, your… Celestia.” Shining stands and conjures a map of Equestria and its surroundings; he points at a marked border to the northwest of Canterlot and several miles above Manehatten. “The Griffin army is positioned here, from what Jacob has told us there are close to sixteen thousand soldiers and a thousand shamans, much more than we expected or could possibly hope to defeat. These Griffins are hardened veterans of countless territory and drug wars, with the exception of the Astral sisters, Discord, and Lafe nopony has ever seen as much battle as the average Griffin, be they soldier or civilian. Thanks to the GreenWind tribe,” Shining shoots Jacob a dirty look and Jacob just shrugs at him. “Most, if not all, of the shamen are under the influence of dragon blood, this increases their magical capacities tenfold and mutates their body and mind alike, they can feel no pain or fear. The only way to deal with these shamen are to kill them immediately. We must be careful though, once dead the dragon blood will seep out of their bodies and mix with its surroundings to create a quite volatile reaction, killing or mutating all those in the blast radius. Now the average Griffin grunt is a skilled flyer, fighter, and marksmen. The strongest grunts will carry shamen into battle on their backs.” shining notices the confusion held by all except Jacob and explains. “As part of the ritual to become a shamen the wings and one claw must be severed and burned as a sacrifice to the demons in Tartarus who supply shamen with their unholy magic.” Jacob winces and fluffs his wings.

“Meesta Arma, might I spick fo a bit?” Jacob requests.

“Sure, go ahead.” Shining sits back down next to his wife as Jacob stands.

“Dese here shamans, dey be bad muddafeckers. Dey feel no feelins, dey tink no taught, dey jus hate an destroy. A shaman see sometin dey dislike, bam!” he slams his claw into the floor. “Dey feck it all up, dey see someun or someponee dey don like dey do da same to em. Iffin you manage ta keel a shammy, dey go boom and all dat nasty magic sheet dey had in em spreads out around em. You get het by dat an you idda die or you turn inta a shammy’s betch, ya lose ya mind an stat keelin erryting roun ya. Not a good ting.” Jacob sits back down. “All you, messta Arma.”

“Thanks for the info Jacob.” Shining stands again and continues his briefing about the situation. “The Griffins have a few airborne siege machines, dirigibles fortified with iron armor and dozens of multi shot canons. Just one could bring a city to its knees. They have a few hundred. These weapons combined with the training, experience, and number of flying soldiers, shamen, and the dedication of their leaders spells one thing: defeat. We currently lack either the ponypower or the weapons to engage the Griffins in battle and win…”

“Actually,” Cadance stops him. “That’s not quite true.”

A blinding flash of light later we find ourselves transported to a large, white clean room. Hazmat suits and respirators line the wall; I notice several are custom made to fit Alicorns, Draconequus’, Griffins, and humans.

“Suit up.” Cadance tells us.

“Sweetheart,” Shining says wearily. “Where are we?”

“My laboratory of course, where did you think we would be at?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

I’m already putting the white, rubbery suit on as the others stand there and gawk.

“Where did you get the funding for all of this?” Luna asks.

“Pyramid schemes and illegal gambling.” Cadance says without a second thought. “Hurry up; I have a lot to show you and just a little time to show it all to in.” She trots over and starts manipulating her suit onto her body with magic. Discord snaps his fingers and his suit is on…and pink with purple polka dots, Celly and Luna also instantly dress themselves as Twi and Shining fiddle with their magic and fight with their suits. I help Twi out but armor refuses my assistance when I offer, we end up sitting and watching for five more minutes as he tries to work a zipper. Finally he gives up and has his wife help him.

Now that we’re all fully suited up Cadance prompts a door to open in front of us. None of us had noticed the door previously because of how well it either blended or sealed into the wall around it, Twilight and Jacob both jump as it opens. On the other side lies…

“Oly fecking sheet!” Jacob murmurs.

“Ditto.” I agree.

“Welcome,” Cadance says with dramatic flair. “To the E.I.E. laboratories!”

“I think I just came.” Twilight whispers to me. I look down and see that she’s not exaggerating, her haunches are wet and her body is quivering. I look back up at the massive room before me and feel slightly orgasmic myself.

We all walk in, slowly and cautiously, to the room. Well, room is kind of an understatement, several hundred thousand square foot hanger filled with various scientific instruments, weapons, vehicles, and other assorted nerdy things. Cadance leads us past computer banks, tables of hardware, test areas, experiments, and dozens of unicorns in suits similar to ours, until we reach another blank wall. She reaches out with her magic and opens up a garage door sized hole in the wall, what I see in the next room makes me jizz a little.

“Me gusta,” I stutter as I look at shelf upon shelf of every weapon imaginable. “I. want. All. of. Them.” I say as I leave the others behind and run into the room.

I run around like a kid in a candy store for a few minutes, collecting every gun I can find and grabbing them with my magic. By the time the others find me I have enough firepower in grasp to outfit a small army. And by small I mean large, very, very large.

“Where can I shoot these?” I ask, nearly beg, Cadance.

“Over there,” She points at a firing range. “But wait a moment!”

Too late.

The explosion rocks the laboratory, startling everypony inside and sending me flying backwards at speeds I had thought unattainable by a human being. A small sonic boom echoes and rings throughout the hanger as I break mach one just in time to have my acceleration slowed by a friendly steel wall.

“Lafayette!” somepony shouts out. A moment later everyone from the group is surrounding me and Jacob, Shining, and Discord are prying bent steel off of me.

“Oh my gosh! Lafayette, are you alright?” Twi asks me.

I just groan and look at Cadance.

“I’ll take five of those, please. Now let’s go fuck some Griffin’s day up.”