The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“So you’re Lafayette?”

“Yes Lyra,” I say irritably, “you’ve met me before. Remember? You swore at me in Greek and ran off before I could even say anything.”

“Oh,” she looks away from me and bites her lip, “yeah, sorry about that. I got a little worked up about meeting a real, live human being.”

“I could tell, now why the fuck did you just jack Fish’s seat?”

“I already told you why; I just wanted to talk to you and I finally mustered the courage to do it this morning when I saw your truck pull in to town.”

“God…” I groan as we near the castle. “Well listen up lil missy, I didn’t invite you here so don’t expect any autographs or interviews or other bullshit like that, we need to have a word with Celly-”

“Princess Celestia?”

“Yes, who else?” the green mare shrugs. “Whatever, so when we get they I’m sending your stow away ass back to Ponyville, if you still wanna chat with me after that I’m sure we could arrange a nice dinner or some shit but now is definitely not the time, got it?”

“Sure… so where are you from?”

“Goddammit!” I punch the steering wheel and Lyra disappears, before anyone in the car can ask what happened Fish reappears and asks for them.

“The fuck jus happen?”

“Fuckin’ annoying pony jacked your seat and was askin’ stupid ass questions about me as a human.” I answer quickly.

“What’d ya do?”

“Pissed me off so I sent her home… ahh, here we are.” I say as we drive up to the castle doors.

Twilight speaks up. “That was kind of… unnecessary.”

“And rude.” Dulcie adds.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll make it up to her, I’ll buy her a hand shaped back scratcher or some shit. Now come on, we gotta go talk to Celly girl.”

I park the truck haphazardly next to the guard station, that poor fichus never knew what hit it, and march past a brigade of soldiers and into the castle. A lone guard stops me to request identification and business here.

“Sergeant Ryder,” I say as I walk past him, “I must speak with Celestia, it’s urgent.”

The guard hastily steps back in front of me. “I’m sorry sir but-”

“Private,” Luna intervenes, “please allow us in, we seek counsel with my sister, it is emergent.”

The private salutes to his princess but doesn’t move out of our way. “I’m sorry your highness, but princess Celestia has requested to have no visitors today.”

“To damn bad.” I tell him. I sidestep around him and open the door to Celly’s room, the others follow me in.

“Who’s there?” Tia shouts from her bathroom. “Go away; I’m busy at the moment!”

“Yea mon, we be busy in ’ere so geet da feck out!” a familiar avian voice calls out as well.

“Celly,” I say as I open the next door and walk into the steamy, tiled room, “I need to talk with you; it’s very, very important.” I see the tub where Tia’s soaking in and I sit down on the edge next to her, Twilight follows me in but Luna, Dulcie, and Fish wait at the door.

“What in Equestria is so important that you have to interrupt my bubble bath for it?” Celestia asks, clearly angry at my intrusion.

“A dragon named Syphilis, or something like that, stopped by Haven and asked me to do a job for him and his kids, in return the dragons will form a peaceful alliance with both the humans and the ponies as long as he lives.”

“Sujenymos?” the bathing deity asks mid moan.

“Yeah, that guy.” I look around for a minute but I can’t find my feathered friend. “So where’s Jacob?”

“Oh,” Celly moans again, “he’s… down south, at the moment… Mmm… keeping Griffin/Pony relations… Ohhh… up and… Aww… well!”

I look past the bubbly surface of the water and see two ridged, brown wings beneath the surface.

“Atta boy Jacob!” I shout to him.

“Gahhh!” he surfaces and gasps for air. “Tanks brudda, I was doin’ well but den I ran outta air. Surry mees preencees.”

“Don’t fret Jacob,” Celestia tells him lovingly, “you can make it up to me in a bit.” The Griffin leans back against the tub and folds his arms over his chest while his mistress turns to Twilight and I and then waves for the others to join us. “You all might as well come in, sis how are you doing?”

“Very well actually,” Luna tells her sister as she sits down next to me, “I have a new partner.” The princess of the night sky wraps a hoof around my daughter and kisses her on the cheek.

“’Sup Celly?” Dulcie smiles and speaks joyfully.

“Not much dear, oh Luna I do hope you’re using that one spell I taught you when it comes to this beautiful young lady.”

Luna and Dulcie both blush while Fish grins at the question. “I have sister and it’s been most… delightful.”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Twilight says in her best Fluttershy impression, “but could we discuss the dragons and the roc issue now?”

“Rocs?” Celestia asks with sudden intensity.

“Yep,” I confirm, “Sudjymos-”

“Sujenymos.” Twilight and Luna correct me.

“Whatever! Anyway he told me that the rocs are fucking up the dragon’s nests and that not even the fastest dragon could catch one, so he wants me to teach ’em a lesson before the great dragon migration starts. Oh, the dragons are gonna be using the empty fields outside of Haven as a rest stop, I need to make some elephants or hippos or something for them to snack on while they’re there.” I look at Celly and then at Jacob. “Isn’t Discord gonna be-”

“Aren’t I going to be what?” the chaos god asks as his head bobs to the surface of the water. He starts to back float away from Celly and towards Jacob. “Nice technique, but you need to work on holding your breath longer, then again so do I.” The two fist bump and resume relaxing in the bath.

“Tanks messta Deescord, I alweeys appreeeciat dat cunstructeeve creetacism.”

I look at the two and shake my head.

“Any way,” I turn my attention back to Celly, “I just wanted your thoughts on all of this.”

“Well… it would be nice to have the dragons as allies… go ahead and do whatever they need, and for God’s sake remember the guy’s name!”

Twilight turn to leave but another voice stops us.

“Sorry aunt Celly, but I couldn’t stay under any longer.”

I turn around to see my sister-in-law in the tub too.

“Cadance!” Twilight shouts.

“Twily?” Shining asks as he appears in the water next to his wife.

“How many people are in there with you?!?” I ask Tia.

“Umm…seven, maybe eight, possibly nine or ten. It’s a big tub” She answers.

“Jesus Christ,” I rub my temples and turn to leave, “I’m out.”

“Oh! Hi Lafe and Twilight and Dulcie and Luna and that one dark skinned guy I don’t know! I didn’t know you all would be here! What are you guys doing?”

I look back to see that Pinkie Pie and her pet lizard are in the tub as well.

“Leaving.” I tell her.

Dulcie and Luna are already out of the room and Twilight’s at my side but Fish is lagging behind.

“You know,” he says to me, “I think imma sit this one out and chill here with the princess, that sound alrig-”

“No.” I answer and grab him by the shirt collar. I drag him out to the truck where we find Dulcie and Luna waiting for us.

“Ready?’ I ask them.

“Ready.” They eagerly respond.

“Then let’s go bird hunting.”