The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Equestria is the only technical nation in the land, the Griffins, Buffalo, and Zebras have nomadic tribes, the Dragons are one big family that branches out and migrates together, the Diamond dogs have packs which stay in specific territories, and the Ponies have an actual government and live in semi-industrialized cities. Equestria is also very small in comparison to the land around it, on a continent larger that all of Europe the ponies only have a handful of settlements that are all within twenty five miles of each other, the only reason travels takes so damn long is due to the uneven and hilly terrain. My point here is this; the drive from Ponyville to Canterlot is a mile because of the long, twisting roads and hundreds of hills, a quick flight from Celestia’s room to the Solar mountain range is an hour and a half (When you’re not using insane rage to fuel your superhuman speed), but the drive from the palace to the great sea is nearly a four hour trip.

Four fucking hours!

At least my truck gets great gas mileage.

<><><><><>

I set the cruise control, one of the many luxuries I’ve added to this vehicle, at a hundred and twenty and set up some magic to keep us going smoothly, a shield in front of us to knock any obstacles out of the way and a set of phantasmal hands to drive for me. I lean back in my seat and stroke Twilight’s mane absentmindedly as we go, Luna’s in back lying in Dulcie’s lap chatting about something or other and Fish is half asleep with his head still nodding to the beats on his iPod and his phone still in his hands.

“Hey Fish!” I shout back to wake him up.

“Ugh, yeah man,” he grumbles, “what’s up?”

“What are ya doin’ with your phone?”

“Texting mah beyatches.”

“How?”

“I dunno,” he shrugs and hands the phone up to me, “I guess Verizon’s got great coverage or some shit, I’ve been able to use it since I landed here. Check the pics bro!” I scroll up on the screen to find a long thread of assorted pornography and texts chalk full of racy jokes and sexual innuendos.

“That’s a nice pic of your mom you got here,” I taunt my friend, “she must work out and damn is she flexible!” Dulcie and I laugh while fish flips me the bird with both hands.

“What’s so funny?” twilight asks curiously.

“Oh this,” I hand her the phone and scootch over when Dulcie and Luna move up to see the screen. “The one girl on there reminded me of Fish’s mother so I burned him with it.”

“Interesting…”Twilight mutters.

“What is this?”Luna asks suspiciously eyeing the device.

“It’s a cell phone,” I tell the two mares, “with it you can send and receive voice calls and messages, text, images, and even video from wherever you are. Apparently it works here too.”

“No,” Luna scolds me, “I meant these images, they’re just nude human women.”

“Oh that?” Fish asks. “That’s just porn.”

“Porn, what’s that?” Twi and Luna both ask.

“That is porn,” Dulcie informs them, “a lot of humans get off by viewing images or video of other people naked or having sex, it’s big business on earth, I’m sure somepony’s started a market for it here.”

“No,” Luna denies, “well kind of, I know there are books and… aids but nothing like this. Obviously no videos but no photos either; I guess most ponies would rather do than see.”

“Yeah,” Twilight agrees, “there’s a shop in town but they don’t have anything like this.”

“There’s a sex shop in Ponyville?” Fish and I ask immediately.

“Yeah, not that I’ve ever been there,” Twilight backpedals, “I’ve just walked by it and heard about it from my friends. I swear I’ve never been there!”

“Well that ends tonight!” I shout. “As soon as we get home we’re gonna go check that place out.”

“Can I come?” Fish asks sweetly.

“NO!” I instantly shoot him down. “You can go by yourself but not with me when I’ll have my wife with me.”

“And your daughter and her marefriend!” Dulcie chimes in.

“Fuck me…” I mutter with my head in my hands.

<><><><

“We’re here!” Dulcie shouts when the ocean comes into view.

“Thank Jesus.” I murmur.

We stop and get out of the truck.

“What now?” Fish asks while looking out at the spires in the water.

“This,” I tell him.

I sprint to the edge of the cliff we’re on and jump right off.

“WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!” Fish screams as I tumble through the air.

I shrug my shoulders mid fall and feel the spines of my wings beak the skin, the two white and gold appendages stretch out and unfurl, catching the wind and pulling me up sharply. I scratch my wrist and my armor appears as well as my weapons. I still have Jeffery but all it is anymore is a war hammer, no spirit within, no advice or help, just a plain old mallet. I start to flap my wings hard until I feel the supersonic barrier again; I break it just to showboat when I come close to the first spire. I smile as a dozen rocs literally shit themselves in fright. Dodging the falling white goo I decide to just fuck up their nests instead of fighting these bastards one on one so I pull out my Honey Pot and take aim at the thinnest points in the spires.

I stop after the tenth assault and look back at my work just in time to see the first couple of stone obelisks, and all the rocs on them, crash into the water beneath them. I magically collect every dragon egg I can find and send them directly to Sujenymos’ lair and I grab a few roc eggs as I flee the scene.

“Get in the car now!” I shout to my friends as I return with a large, ridged egg under each arm, they do as I told them and in just under a minute we’re hightailing it away from the shore.

“What happened?” Luna asks.

“Uh,” I think as we accelerate away from the beach, “I knocked down like ten of those spires and stole a couple eggs, by the way we’re having omelets for breakfast tomorrow, um, and now I wanna get the fuck away from here before those big ass birds know what hit ’em.”

“Oh,” Luna smiles at me, “OK then, I was worried that you got a hatchling to follow us or something crazy like that.”

“Why would you say-” I turn around to see a pterodactyl sized baby bird covered in fuzz sitting in the bed of the truck. “SHIT!” I slam on the brakes and skid off the road, when we come to a stop the giant chick is now lying on my lap and staring into my eyes.

“Mah mah!” it squawks out and starts repeating. “Mah mah! Mah ma! Ma ma! Mama! Mama!” it begins to nuzzle me with its beak and rub against my face, saying ‘Mama’ all the while.

“I guess we have a new pet, er, child I guess.’ Twilight says with a perky smile.

“Shit.” I groan as the several hundred pound bird decides to sit on my lap and wait for me to feed it. “This is gonna be a pain.”

<><><><><>

Twilight and I teleport us and our new birdie home. We stop at the library and introduce everyone there to the overgrown chicken and delight the boys with the knowledge of their new pet/brother. I find a few earthworms (Are earthworms still called earthworms if they’re not from earth?) and grow them to insane proportions to feed the bird. I laugh as he chases the monster sized invertebrates around the yard.

“We should name him if we’re going to keep him.” Twilight tells me.

“Hmm,” I think for a moment and find the perfect name. “Jenkins, Leeeeeeroooooy Jenkins!!!!!!!”

“Wut?” Twilight, Luna, Dulcie, the boys, and pretty much everyone else asks.

“It’s an earth thing.” I tell them.

Luna raises the moon again and we have a nice outdoor supper with all our friends, family, and adopted mutant poultry before putting the boys and Leeroy to bed.

When everything is settled I head out to the truck again.

“Where are you going?” Twilight asks me.

“To the porn shop!"I reply. Everyone who’s still around and awake rushes to pile into the truck and we head into town.

‘Tonight’s gonna be a good night!’