The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Got any fours?” I ask.

“Nope,” Fish lies, “go me.”

“Hah!” I snort at the unexpected wit and pull a card. “Dammit, another fuckin’ queen.”

We quit and start playing black jack instead.

“Hit me.” We both draw a card.

“Motherfucker!”

“Hit me.” Another card.

“Goddammit!”

“Hit me.” And another card.

“FUCK!” Fish yells.

“Twenny one!” I shout.

“What the hell are you two doing?”

Fish and I look up from our spot on the jail cell floor to see Twilight, Dulcie, and Luna standing on the other side of the bars.

“We’re playing black jack.” I answer as a guard unlocks the cell and removes our cuffs.

“Oh,I knew that.” Twilight agrees despite the fact she has no idea what I’m talking about.

We leave the station together and head back to the library which happens to be only five blocks away.

“So how much trouble are we in?” I ask Luna as we walk through town.

“Not to awful much,” Luna answers, “but I fear that Mayor Mare has developed a bit of a fetish for human men using sex toys as weapons now.”

“Speaking of which,” I snap my fingers and the penetrator appears in my hand, rather than its previous colors of the 3rd street saints it’s now in my own color scheme of blue and gold. “I’m keeping this!” I shout happily and strap the meter long shlong to my belt and make the others groan in disgust. “Now I just need a name for it.”

“It’s the penetrator, man!” Fish tells me.

“I know that! Penetrator is the name of this type of weapon; I need a name for this weapon in particular.”

“Oh.” Fish grumbles.

“How about giant blue and gold dick?” Luna offers.

“Uh, no.” I tell her.

“Cockmonger?” Dulcie says.

“Maybe…” I consider it.

“Mutunium?” Twilight asks.

I look at my wife and smile. “Well somepony’s been paying attention when I talk!” Dulcie laughs but Fish and Luna just look at me.

“What does that mean?” Luna asks.

“Babe,” Dulcie throws an arm around her blue marefriend and laughs again, “it’s Latin for penis.”

“Oh,” Luna chuckles, “well I guess it’s a fitting name then.”

I hold the penetrator up and make the tip wobble a bit. “I do hereby dub thee,” pause for dramatic effect,
“Mutuniumos!”

“Why the change?” Fish asks as we start walking again.

“Sounds cooler.” I tell him.

“Yeah,” Dulcie agrees, “it kinda does. Say dad, do you think I could maybe borrow-”

“NO.” I immediately respond.

“Dammit.” Dulcie mutters.

We turn a corner and I already wish we hadn’t; Leeroy is standing in the road squawking like the giant retarded chicken he is and trying to peck at the boys as the run around him, behind them my truck is flipped upside down and resting on the roof of the library. I can only speculate as to how it got there.

“Thaddeus, Starbright, LEEEROOYY!” I shout as I near them. They all stand at attention upon hearing my voice, even Leeroy though all he actually does is stop pecking and start staring into space. I walk up next to them and look each one in their eyes. “Just what the hell happened while I was gone?”

“Uh,” Starbright babbles incoherently for a moment, “we were playing with Lee and he started chasing us so we hid behind the truck and well…”

“He flipped the fuckin’ thing over!” Thaddeus finishes his brother’s statement.

“*Cluck* Mama! *Squawk*” Leeroy agrees.

I sit down next to the boys and sigh. “Dammit Teddy, I don’t want you swearing like that,”

“But you do it dad and so does-”

“I know I do it but I’m older, more mature and learned, and besides, I’m a marine I’m allowed to cuss like one. Now I don’t care what I say or what anyone else says I don’t want either of you to be talking like that. Understand?”

“Yes dad.” The both reply.

“Yes Mama!” Leeroy adds his two bits worth.

“Now as your punishment for both swearing and getting my truck flipped over you to get to get it back down. Hop to it, chop chop!” I clap my hands as the boys start to wiggle the stuck vehicle with their magic. Starbright whines as he concentrates on pulling the car down. “Be glad I didn’t wash your mouths out with soap now, I’ll do that next time I catch either of you cussing.”

I turn away as the truck falls of the roof and crashes to the ground.

“It’s down dad!” the boys shout.

“Down Mama!” Leeroy copycats.

“Why does Lee call you Mama?” Starbright asks me as he and his brother flip the truck right side up.

“Not a fucking clue.” I confess.

“Hey dad?” Thaddeus walks up to me.

“Yeah Teddy?”

“What’s that weird thing hooked to your belt?”

“It’s what I’ll beat you with if you ever try and destroy my truck again.” I tell him.

“Oh,” Starbright gasps, “I thought it looked like a big wiener!”

I laugh hysterically as we walk in to prepare supper. Luna and Fish stay over to eat but Fish has to get back to running Haven before too long.

“Staying the night here again?” I ask Luna.

“Nope,” she tells me, “if it’s alright with you Dulcie and I were going to stay at the palace tonight.”

“Fine by me.” I tell her.

I hug Dulcie and say goodbye as the two lovers fly off into the sunset. I turn to Twilight and grin mischievously.

“The boys are asleep, the girls are out, and you and I are all alone.”

“So what do you have planned?” Twilight walks away from me swaying her hips as she goes. I follow her back into the kitchen with a wonderful thought on my mind.

“How about I clear the table and we…Fuck.” I slump into my seat as I look at the umbrella stand filled with umbrellas and nothing else.

“Oh,” Twilight moans, “that sounds…Lafe?” she looks at me and towards the corner I’m staring at. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” I repeat. “What’s wrong?!? Dulcie swiped Mutuniumos, that’s what’s wrong!”

Twilight laughs and starts nuzzling me as I sit flabbergasted by my daughter’s theft. "Don't worry, I know just the thing to cheer you up!" she says seductively as she levitates onto the table.

"I don't want to do that now," I tell her, "I just want my giant dildo bat back!"

Twilight glares at me from her perch on the counter. "Well i don't care, now fuck me like a good boy."

"I don't wanna." I whine.

"Well too bad!" Twilight shouts as she pounces on me knocking me off my chair and to the ground. "You are going to fuck me now and you are going to enjoy it!"

‘OK, I’ll admit it; despite being as bummed out as I was and forced to make love to my wife on the kitchen floor I did enjoy that!’