The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Fuckin’ inconsiderate, thieving, conniving, disrespectful, immature, little dyke, bitch, cunt, FUCK!” I grumble quietly as I lie naked in bed next to a very worn out, sweaty and still panting Twilight. She rolls her eyes at my complaints and fluffs her pillow a bit.

“If you’re that upset about it being taken why don’t you just go get it back?” she asks.

I look at her and tilt my head in consideration of her idea. “You know what,” I say thoughtfully, “imma go do that.”

Twilight starts to say something but I’m already gone.

<><><><><>

Alone in her bed Twilight Sparkle facehooves and swears under her breath.

“I meant for you to summon it back not actually go and get it. Ugh.” She covers her face with a pillow and groans in frustration. “For such a smart man he can be so stupid! Lord help me…”

<><><><><>

I speed through a vortex of time, space, matter, and raspberry jello to the destination in my mind. I arrive in just a nano-second with little trouble and few issues; one of those few issues being my nudity, another being that my thoughts were off and I land in the throne room during day court as opposed to the intended target of Luna’s room. I smile awkwardly as the entire room turns to look in shock and in one case, guess who, awe at my sudden entrance.

“Hello everyone,” I say feigning confidence, “how are things goin’ Celly?” I whistle nonchalantly and start to make my way to the nearest door. Ponies and people alike scatter to keep out of my way as I side step out of the spotlight. I hear a pin drop somewhere behind me as I approach the wide double doors.

“Lafayette,” Celestia finally breaks the silence, “what in God’s name are you doing here… naked… next time just go to my room and wait for me!” she mouths the last part when the public’s eyes have returned to scrutinize me and hear my response.

“Well,” I begin. “I was already naked when I teleported here and I didn’t actually mean to come here, I meant to land in your sister’s room but I guess I got sidetracked our something.” I scoot closer to the door with the hope that I can escape this crowded place without any more delays.

“What…exactly is it that you were planning to do in my sister’s room?” Celestia continues.

‘Dammit!’ I think. I take a deep breath and think of a good lie… shit there is no good lies, any lie I could tell about why I was sneaking to Luna’s room naked would probably be worse than the truth. Aw fuck it.

“LunaandDulciestolemygiantdildosoIcameheretostealitback!” I shout out in one long breath. The crowd gasps and some lovely asshole wolf whistles.

“Uh,” Celestia stutters, caught off guard by my confession, “so why are you naked?”

“I needed to steal it back stealthily.” I bullshit.

“Uh huh,” Celly nods, “and how is that going for you?”

“Quite well actually. Hey,” I shout and point at some random corner, “isn’t that Elvis?” everyone in the room, celestial deity included, looks towards a stone wall as I fling open the door and make my escape. “Cheerio!” I holler back after I’m out of the room. Celly just stares at the open door as I run off.

“What the fuck just happened?” I hear her ask as I turn a corner, pass a guard, and sprint towards Luna’s private chambers.

I tear through hallways, hurdle over butlers, maids, and guards alike, maneuver in and out of a slalom of soldiers, and finally burst through the wrought iron doors of Luna’s personal chambers. My weight and forward momentum easily overcome the obstacle the looked entrance provides and I dive into the darkened room only to land face first on the hard wooden floors. A cry of terror followed by a shriek of embarrassment ring out as soon as the interracial, interspecies lesbian couple recognize who is intruding on them at such an intimate moment.

“DAD!?!” Dulcie screams from her submissive position as she struggles to cover herself with a sheet, a pillow, or at least her lover, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AND WHY ARE YOU NAKED?” my red faced daughter wails at me.

I quickly stand and rush the entangled couple; I push the princess of the night of my daughter and pull Mutuniumos out of her before backpedaling away from an enraged angel.

“JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THI-” her angry words are cut short by a sudden blinding light from which she and her lover both shield their eyes.

I rip the curtain the rest of the way from the window sill and move back the by doorway. Just as Dulcie begins to yell again I take off towards the window and jump through it in a single bound.

“I REGRET NOTHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I proclaim to the world as the glass shatters and I dive out of the room and into the air. I drop steadily for a few seconds before uncovering and opening my wings. As I glide away from the palace I hear a faint, butch voice scream at me.

“FUCK YOU OLD MAN!”

I pump my wings and soar away from the castle as fast as I can towards Ponyville, stopping only once for an ice cream cone from a stunned vendor, and I return to the library just an hour after I first left.

<><><><><>

In a cold room nearly utterly devoid of light, save a single large ray, a demigoddess of the night and an angelic youth lie next to each other on an unmade bed and stare blankly at the shattered remains of a window. Neither one speaks as the shock of what just occurred is too great to overcome so quickly afterwards, all they can manage to do is embrace each other tentatively and whimper and shudder at the horrendous incident that had so recently befallen them. After a quarter of an hour spent rocking softly and shivering in terror the goddess of the sun hesitantly enters the room to discover just what exactly had occurred. Upon seeing her sister’s fearful state and the general disorder of the room her usual carefree demeanor abandons her.

“What. The. Fuck. Happened?” she asks quietly.

“Fuck if I know.” The nude angel next to her sister replies.

Together the three of them stare at the broken window for the rest of the evening until the goddesses remember their duties and set to them.

Few in Equestria know why night comes late tonight, few care and very few would even want to know.

After the usual business with the sun and the moon is over with the goddesses return to their respective rooms and bedfellows; Luna to her invaded sanctuary and her shell shocked angel, Celestia to her not so humble abode and her god of chaos as well as a waiting squadron of her personal guards. While the creamy, elder Alicorn resorts to a night of mindless carnal pleasure to rid the odd events of the day from her mind her gloomy sister just lies in bed while being stroked softly and whispered to lovingly by her human girlfriend in order to forget the unexpected and unwelcome actions of the day.

To each their own, I guess.

<><><><><>

I land in front of the library and walk to my room where I find a sleeping Twilight and an open book entitled The Apple of my eye, the stallion of my dreams with a picture of Big Macintosh on the cover. I sit down next to my sleeping wife and start reading the saucy romance from the top of the page where Twilight left off at.

“-but we’re plum broke!” the handsome, red workhorse replies. “Ah just can’t afford to pay ya for all the hard work you’ve done this harvest season. I know you deserve it, hell, I was out there in the orchard bucking with you every day, getting’ all sweaty and worn out right behind you. I feel right miserable but-” the towering stallion’s gruff voice is cut short as a pair of lips meets his unexpectedly.

“Maybe you could pay me in some other way…” the toned grey Pegasus opposite him whispers seductively as he withdraws from the kiss.

“Hmm,” the gentle giant hums, “how ’bout we go discuss this in the barn.” He says in his usual stoic manner, not even swayed or surprised by the sudden kiss from the stallion he’d come to think of as a brother over the past few weeks of apple harvesting.

The two ponies hurry in to the barn, one at a full gallop and the other at a simple trot, as thunder cracked overhead and the first drops of a massive storm began to fall. Once inside the cherry colored stud finds his ashen friend lying on his back in a pile of hay.

“About that payment?” he says while uncrossing his legs.

“Ah think I can arrange something for ya.” The larger of the two explains. He puts on hoof on a nearby wagon and uses the other to remove the heavy wood around his neck. As the hitch falls to the ground he lifts himself up onto his back legs to reveal a humongous-”

“Lafayette?”

I look away from the book and see that Twilight’s awake again.

“Hey Twi, what’s up?”

“Did you get Mutuniumos back?”

“Yep,” I tell her, holding up the still slick rubber dong as proof, “hey do you have any bleach?”

“Yes,” she answers as I hop out of the bed, “it’s in the laundry room. Wait, why do you need it?”

“No reason…” I lie.

“OK then, so did you punish Dulcie for taking that?”

“Nope,” I tell her as I walk out of the room, “but I don’t think she’ll ever steal from me again.”

Author's note: As of this chapter The life and times of Lafayette Ryder is going to be rated MATURE. While things will probably get a bit more raunchy all Clop and Gore will still go in the clop/gore side stories.