Chapters Tales from the Borderlands: Equestria Edition
Where am I?
"Deadlift tiiiiiiimmmmme ahhh!"
*sigh* "Here we go again." I said as I took out Aspis. "Hey! Deadlift! Whadda ya say I just not kill you and you give me Janeys digistruct key!?!"
"Not gonna happen girlie! That Springs turned me down, called me an Asshole, and to this day, still thinks I'm a Dick! Now why would I give her anything she wants?" He ranted.
"Because if you do I won't kill you again?" I said.
He just laughed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. "You think you can kill me again? Well think again missy, because there is now way I'm even giving you a chance to kill me agai-ain-ain-ain......"
"What the hell?" I muttered. Dead lift tried to make words but nothing came out, so he just got a creepy grin on his face and pulled out a mysterious weapon .
I threw Aspis at him, but he just took it and kept charging the weapon. He waved goodbye and shot me with it... And that was the last time I saw Elpis, Pandora, or John.
In Equestria
"Uugh. I fell like a kraggon just puked me up. Where am I?" I looked around to see I was in a forest. "Well, I'm DEFINITELY not on Elpis. Or Pandora for that matter. So where am I?" I got up and started to wander.
*snap! * I whipped around and aimed my rifle at the source of the sound. It was a lion. With wings? And a scorpions tail. It roared at me and started circling. "Damnit. Oh well. It's not like I haven't killed worse." So I pulled out my Breach Major Tom and shot it three times. It fell to the ground in a crackling heap.
As I continued on with my wandering I decided to check my reserves. Luckily I had a hammer space backpack, so I had all the ammo and weapons I'd need for the next year or so. Not that I planned to stay that long. Where ever I was. Eventually I came to a tree that had been hollowed out with a door and windows. As I walked in I noticed tribal masks and what appeared to be a potion brewing cauldron. Great I thought. Looks lime there's psychos here too . I started to leave, but when I turned around I saw a tall woman painted like a zebra. We stared at each other for a while before she said "Who are you I must know, who intrudes upon my abode?"
I was caught a little off guard by the rhyming but answered "I am Athena. And you are..." Tense, as I thought she was another psycho.
"Zecora." She said.
"Zecora. Odd. But that's beside the point. Can you help me?" I said.
"That depends on what you ask, and we will see if I am up to the task." She responded.
"Okay. Two things: One. Can you stop rhyming. Two. I need to know where I am." I said.
She sighed and said, "I suppose if I must, and to fulfill your second request, you are in Equestria."
"Is that the name of the planet, or the territory?" I asked.
"That is the name of the territory. The planet is called Equus."
"Equus?" I've never heard of this planet. Maybe it's time to do some research . "Alright, I'll bite, where can I do some research? No rhyme intended." I said.
"If research is what you want then the best place to go would be Princes-"
"NO!" I shouted. "Sorry. No royalty." And she just looked at me like I was crazy.
"Why?" She asked. "Princess Twilight is quite literally the princess of Friendship."
Now it was my turn to look at her like she was crazy. Then I burst out laughing. "Are you SERIOUS!?! Hahahahahaaa!! That's- hoo! That's a good one. But seriously, is she princess of the territory or a district of it?" And once again I just got a blank stare. "Wait. You're serious." She nodded. I just face-palmed. "Wow. That is something I never-EVER expected to hear. I've heard of Giant Kraggons, A guy who called himself the Merriff, and even an alien, Three Faced Sentinel! But that, that just kinda disappoints me."
"Well, her name may be different from where you came from, but here she is one of only four Alicorn Princesses." She said.
*sigh * " Very well. Take me too your leader."
"Well, she's not the leader of the country, but I'm sure you'll meet them soon enough."
In Ponyville
Just before we got out of the forest I saw the edge of a town. I put my hood and an Oz mask on. Can't have a whole town, small as it may be, knowing a mercenaries face. I was drawn out of my thoughts when I noticed Zecoras footsteps had stopped. I turned around. "What is it?" I asked.
"This is as far as I go." She said. "I have much to do and little time to do it. I bid you farewell. Just find the giant crystal castle." And she left.
I wandered through town for a while, looking for escape routes and what allyways were and weren't dead ends. I had seen the castle from the edge of town, but you can never be too cautious. Eventually my walk around town came to an end as I approached the castle. Two guards were standing in front of the doors and tensed up as I approached. "Halt!" The one on the right said. "Who goes there?"
"Just a girl looking for help from the princess." I said with my Oz mask-altered voice.
"You don't sound like a girl. And I don't see a tail on you either. Are you from another country?" The one on the left asked.
"Indeed I am." I said. Athena, at your service." I said.
"Well, Athena, I'm afraid we cannot let you in." Righty said.
"And why is that?" I incurred, waiting for Lefty to respond.
And sure enough, Lefty spoke up. "Because it is our job to protect the princess,and we cannot simply let some wanderer in a hood in."
I smirked. They were only armed with swords and shields. This is too easy. "Are you sure about that?" And drew my sword.
"Are you challenging us?" Righty said.
"Well, I wouldn't consider you much of a challenge, but I'm feeling generous, so yes." I retorted.
They brandished their swords and Lefty said "Hmph. Cocky aren't we? What do you say we kill it Thunder?"
"I'm all for it Swift." Righty/Thunder said.
I simply stood with my sword and waited. Thunder and Swift charged me at the same time. I waited until the last moment and drew Aspis. As they hit it with strike after strike the inner blades began to spin. Eventually Aspis was fully charged and I let it loose. It hit Thunder and ricocheted at Swift, but Swift raised his own shield. It shattered, but didn't go through. As I caught it he took out a whistle and blew into it three times, then rushed over to what was left of Thunder.
"Thunder!!" He shouted. Then he looked at me with fire in his eyes. "I'm gonna kill you for that. You hear me!?! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!! "
I just chuckled and said, "You and what army?"
Just then the main doors burst open and he stood up and said "This one." As twenty guards poured out of them. They circled around me with swords out and waited. I simply sheathed my sword and said, "You all have one chance to run before I melt you."
One of the guards yelled,"With what, your mind powers?" Causing him and the rest of them to laugh.
I even laughed myself and said, "Hoo! Mind powers! That is not my fortė. But I know someone who could." And paused before I continued, waiting for them to stop laughing. "No. I'LL melt you with acid. So, last chance." I said menacingly. When they all stood still I said, "Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh wait, you won't be able too." I jumped in the air and with a burst of Oz I slammed back down, creating a ring of acid thanks to my Dahl Oz kit. They all screamed as they dissolved. "Ahh. I just love the screams of my enemies in the morning." Just then I heard a scream that sounded different from the rest. I turned to the doors and turned to see another painted woman. "What is it with these people and painting themselves?"
She looked at me and said, "This is just my natural coat!"
Coat? Was all I had tome to think before something amazing and terrifying happened. She sprouted wings. Wings!! Then her horn-horn!?! started glowing and I was blasted off my feet. The last thing I heard was "Spike? SPIKE!! Take a letter. Tell the princesses that I require their presence immediately."
Tales from the Borderlands: Equestria Edition
Chapter the Second: Your Choice
Chapter the Second: Your Choice
"Uugh. Now that's TWO times I feel like I was puked up by a kraggon." I said. Then I opened my eyes and studied my surroundings. "OH FUCK ME!!!" I had been here for no more than 3 hours and I was already in a cell. Then I heard someone laughing.
"Well it would appear you've woken up princess. Congratulations, your first legal account in Equestria is Twenty-two counts of murder. And of royal guards no less." A guard said.
"Where am I?" I asked for the second time.
"Location, Country, or City?"
"City and location."
The guard sighed and said "You are in Canterlot, and your exact location is the castle dungeons."
"Dungeons? Why am I not in the city jailhouse?" I asked.
"Do I really need to answer that miss 'twenty-two counts of murder'?" The guard said with a small smirk on his face.
"I suppose not." I said, feeling ignorant.
Then it hit me. "Where is my shield!?" I shouted.
"Whoa whoa whoa missy. You won't be needing it where you're going." The guard said.
I growled at him. "If anything, and I mean Anything happens to that shield I will make you pay."
He just chuckled and said "Tell you what. I'll even give you my name: Hammer Strike. I am the guard blacksmith and captain of the Thestral guard. If you can find me, you can formally challenge me to a duel, and I will accept. But if you lose, I decide your punishment."
"And if YOU lose?" I said.
"If I lose, then I will be indebted to you until a third party decides otherwise." He said.
"Seems fair enough." I said.
"That is, if you live long enough to get to that point." He said.
"What do you mean?"
"Really? You're seriously asking that question." He said.
"Pah! I can get myself out of any situation. You'll see." I said.
"Hmph. OK." He said skeptically. Then he looked up. "And speak of the devil."
I listened and heard footsteps. I instantly donned a straight face and waited for whomever it was to show their face. Two more guards appeared along with... I was stunned silent. Two of the tallest women I had ever seen were standing right in front of me. But that is not what stunned me. What stunned me was that fact that they had Wings!!! And Horns like a Unicorns!! "What are you two?" I whispered. One was taller than the other. The taller one was white with a billowing rainbow mane and, was that a tail!?! The shorter one was blue with a flowing mane that looked like the night sky.
"Are you done ogling us?" The white one asked.
I shook myself out of my stupor and nodded.
"Good. Clearly you have no idea what we are and we are just as clueless about you. So, before you go on trial, I'll make you a deal: If you can give us all the information we want, we may not execute you." She said.
"Ha! Like I'd fall for that. I seriously doubt that some interrogater could get that out of me. Even then, do you even have the authority to do such a thing?" I said.
The blue one spoke up. "Don't you talk to my sister like that! To doubt our authority. Scandalous! We are trying to keep you alive! Now try again."
"So you mean to tell me that you two are the presiding diarchs and are trying to keep me alive?"
"Yes." They said in sync.
"Well, I suppose I could talk. But I want to see my weapons first. I don't need them on me, I just need to see them." I said.
"Fine." The white one said. "And our names are Celestia and Luna. Just so you know."
They nodded to Hammer and he unlocked the cell door. He then proceeded to draw his sword as if to say Try something, I dare you. I merely smirked and gestured for them to lead the way. As we walked along I made sure to watch my surroundings. I needed to know my way around if I were to get away.
"Don't even think about it." Celestia said.
"Think about what?" I asked innocently.
"Pha ha ha ha haaaa! Don't try that innocent bullshit with me. I know what you are and I used to be one myself. I can see that you are, Ahem. 'Planning ahead.' And I feel somewhat disrespected."She said.
Now it was my turn to laugh. After I calmed down (which took a couple of minutes) I looked at her and said "YOU. YOU used to be a mercenary. Ooohhh that. That's a good one. Tell me, how does a Diarch of a nation have a past where her being a mercenary be a thing?"
"Well, I could give you a long story of my life 700 years ago, but you wouldn't enjoy that, nor do I wish to tell you. So how about I show you? You up to it?" She said.
"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Are you challenging me? To a duel?" I asked.
Celestia chuckled and said, "I suppose I am. Shall we?"
"Let's, may I have my equipment?" I said.
"SISTER! You mustn't do this! This is preposterous! I doubt she will even survive a minute! How will we get information then?!?" Luna yelled.
"Faust, calm down Luna!! I'm not going to kill her! Geez. You'd think after all our time together you'd know me a little better." She said, seeming a little hurt.
"I'm sorry sister, it's just that you haven't done this in so long, I'm a little worried you'll take it too far."
"That's fine Luna." Then she faced me. "So what do you say? Ready for a, Ahem. Fight? " She said, trying to hold back a smile.
"I am insulted at how much you underestimate me. And yes. I accept. May I have my weapons? I'll even go easy on you." I said. Then she actually laughed.
"Alright. You may have your sword and shield. But we are keeping your bag." She said.
"Very well. Where will this take place?" I asked.
"In the throne room." Luna said.
"How big is your throne room, to be able to hold a battle?" I asked.
"It's about 200 by 100 feet." Celestia said, nonchalantly.
"WHAT!?! That's almost the size of a Turbomansion!! How the hell did your country pay for that!?!" I shouted.
"I don't know. It was built before I was born." Celestia said.
"And how long ago was that?" I asked.
"About 2500 years ago." She stated.
"Oh damnit. I'm dealing with an immortal. Wonderful. " I spat.
"Technically, we're not immortal per se. We just possess longevity." Luna said.
"Yeah, 'cause that's much better." I said. There was silence for a while as we walked and eventually we reached where my things were being held.
"Here we are." Hammer said. "Shall I accompany you in?"
"You can just grab her things Hammer." Celestia said. He came out a moment later and handed me Aspis and Xiphos.
"Now. To the throne room!! Let all the guards know what is going on so they don't interfere." Luna said. And we began our trip to the throne room.
Two hours Latér
"Good lord! Are we almost there? I'm getting incredibly bored." I asked.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnd we're here." Celestia said. I turned to see the largest set of doors I hadever seen.
"Why do I feel like we've been going in circles?" I asked.
Luna giggled. "Because we have."
I face-palmed and said, "I should have known."
The doors opened and I saw an enormous crowd surrounding a large circular cage.
"Let me guess. That's our arena." I said unimpressed.
"Yes. I can't very well take you to the stadium, so this will have to do." Celestia said.
The guards made a path for us. Most of the guards just snickered at me. I heard "Doesn't look like much." And "Really? That's fighting the Princess? I feel insulted!" And even "Bets! Bets! Take your bets here!" As we walked in, the gate was closed behind us. Celestia summoned a scythe and golden armor. I scratched my neck.
"Ready?" She asked?
"Born." I said. And it began.
She yelled and started with an upward swing which I easily sidestepped. She smirked and brought it back down twice as fast. I had to roll away and the ground cracked where she hit it. She continued with an onslaught of horizontal swipes that started to drive me to the edge of the cage. I took this as my que to use my secret advantage. I activated my Oz mask and jumped over her. She was so startled she just opened and closed her mouth for a second. She shook her head and yelled "How did you do that?"
"Well you see, I have this thing called an Oz mask and-" She interrupted me. "I know how. I got the report. What I want know is how you got it back. "
"Well that's quite simple darling..."
Two Hours Ago
"You can just grab her things Hammer." Celestia said.
He came out and handed me my things. On the hilt of the sword, facing my palm was a note. It read "Don't die just yet. Look inside the hilt, but don't be noticed.
Now
"And that's what happened! Isn't it interesting? What a twist!" I said in my best Moxxi voice.
She growled and pointed to Hammer Strike. "Arrest him!!!" She shouted. And he was instantly tackled and restrained.
"Hey!" I shouted
"What!?!" She shouted back.
"Hows about we add on to the deal?!?" I shouted again.
"What do you want?!?" She shouted back.
"If I win this duel, he isn't killed or jailed!" I screamed.
"Fine!!! It's not like you're gonna win anyway!!!" She screamed.
"One more thing!" I screamed even louder.
"WHAT!?!?!?!?" She shouted in a voice that almost blew me off my feet.
"Why are we screaming?" I asked in a normal voice. She got a look on her face and I just burst out laughing. She yelled again and charged at me once more. She swung at me and this time I blocked it. Not the best Idea on my part. She sent me sliding on my feet. And when I stopped she was right there. I started to taunt her. "You alright there rainbow?""You gonna live pasty-face?""Need a break?" On and on until she stopped out of breath and let out a blood curdling scream. "You're going to Tartarus today!!" And her hair and tail became flames. "I'm gonna cook you with one spell until you're nothing but a pile of ashes!!" Her horn began to glow.
Now. I don't know much about magic, but I DO know about lasers. And she was about to shoot one that would probably be half of the Hyperion laser. So I took out Aspis and let her do her thing. When the blast hit Aspis it was charged instantly. I had never seen the blades spin so fast. Then I heard another charging up. And yet again I took cover. By the time the second blast was over, Aspis couldn't take any more. But before I could throw it, it exploded in my hands. Oh no. I thought. All of the energy. Everything Aspis had ever absorbed. Came flying out of it... and straight at me.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. All the corrosion. The electricity. The fire. The explosions. The ice. Even all the energy from the Vault Sentinels. And now all the magic. It all rushed into me. And when it was over? Well. Let's just say I know how John felt.
Tales from the Borderlands: Equestria Edition
What? What is this? This power? It feels wonderful. Even better than Moxxis' Vibra-Pulse. Ummph! I'm such a bad role-model.
"Athena? Athena! I'm seeing eye movement. Get the doctor!!
"Uuunnh. What happened?" Ching! "And why an I all chained up?" I asked.
"Well welcome back to the land of the living Athena! It was very hard to keep you alive. Your heart stopped twice and you had multiple seizures. You also had severe third degree burns and lost some of your blood through osmosis!! Imagine that." The doctor said. "As for why you're chained up, well, I heard you're a criminal. AND, a mercenary. So does that answer your question?"
"I suppose." I sighed. "But what happened? And... osmosis? How is that possible?" *sigh * "I've been asking that question a lot lately." I looked at the doctor.
"I think I'll let the princess answer that one ma'am." And stepped aside, revealing the princesses.
"Hello Athena." They both said. "How are you?" Luna asked.
"Well, I don't know. You want to tell me what happened first?" I responded.
Celestia sighed and looked at me. "You- You- You.... Oh I can't say it!!" She exclaimed.
"Say what? What!?!?" I shouted.
She looked defeated and said, "You Ascended. You are now an elemental being with a magical capacity like we've never seen in a mortal. Tartarus you may not even be mortal anymore."
"BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! You're kidding right. Right? You're just fuckin with me! That's pretty good! Magical capacity. HA! Magic didn't even exist where I lived! How would you even know I have magic now?" I ranted.
"Because here in the world where we DO have magic, we can test that kind of thing. But the most obvious sign would he around your neck." Celestia said.
"Around my-" *gaaaaaaaaaasp * Around my neck was my scarf. Well, my new scarf, I should say. My old scarf was brown with white stripes. My new scarf was blood red with glowing
flowing!!!
"Wha! Get it off! Get it off!!!"
One of the nurses went to grab it. "NONONODON'T!!" Luna yelled, a little too late.
She touched it and it felt like I was being rubbed. Down there. I yelped and backhanded the nurse so hard she flew into the wall.
"OhmygoshI'msosorry!" I shouted as I ran up to check on her. Then, a few seconds later, a spear was pointed into my face.
I followed the shaft and at the end of it was a guard that looked suspiciously like that swift guard that I killed.
"Do you mind? I'm trying to see if the lady I just bitchslapped is OK." I said to him.
"Oh, so NOW you care about ponies well-being, hmm? What about my brother you killed!?!?" He yelled.
"Ah-HA! I thought you looked familiar! So that was your brother? I must say he had a little more balls than you seeing as how he formally challenged me. You just came up from behind me and pointed a spear at my head." I said with a smirk.
"Shut it before I jam this spear up your-
"THAT'S ENOUGH! " Celestia yelled. "I will not stand and idly watch as one of my Solar Elite degrades himself!! Stand down Quick Spear!"
"At once Princess!" He shouted and stood up straight.
"Much better. Now, if Nurse Redheart is alright, I would like to introduce you to your new caretaker and teacher. *Ahem* You can come in now!"
The same purple girl from before walked in and looked at me uneasily. She then turned to Celestia and said "Do I have to do this? I don't feel very safe knowing what she can do."
"You'll be fine Twilight. You have a whole regiment of guards at your castle and we have her weapons. All you must do is house her, and teach her how to use her new powers. You don't even need to teach her combat magic! Just basic spells and maybe some healing spells if you're up to it."
She sighed and looked at me, then said "Alright. I'll try."
"Wonderful!" Celestia said. "You may go now if you feel like it."
"Very well." Twilight said. "Shall we?" She asked me and put out her hand.
"Fine..." I said, and took her hand as we flashed to the front entrance of her castle.
"You better not try anything funny." She said.
"Right. I'm now back in training and you expect me not to try anything? Funny." I responded.
"Ugh! You know what I mean! Just, try not to kill anyone else. Please?" She said.
I sighed. "I suppose. Your training will be payment I guess."
"Payment?" She said while looking at me funny. "Oh! Right, you're a mercenary. Well, I guess that works."
"Good. Now, can we get started? I'd like to experience what using magic is like." I said.
"Very well. Let's go out back. That will be your training area."
We walked around the base of the castle to an area that looked like it had been made by a nine year old.
"This is to be my training area? It looks like it was just thrown together! By a child!!" I complained.
"Well for one, it actually was just thrown together. And for two, it also was just thrown together by a child." She said.
"Hey!" Shouted a young voice. "I'm not a child! I'm 12 years old!" We turned to see a small purple and green boy looking at us with a sour face.
I snickered and said "Well if your not a child, and you're not yet a teenager, what are you?"
"I'm a.... I'm a uhhh... You know what I mean! And what are you supposed to be? Some kind of hairless pony?" He shouted.
I looked around, confused. "Last I checked ponies don't stand on two legs. Or talk."
The purple girl, Ahem, pony , looked at me. Apparently offended. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but here in Equestria, humans don't exist. So think about that before you go talking about people like they're animals." She said.
It took me a moment to respond. "Well, girl. If humans don't exist in Equestria, then what am I? Also, before you go judging people who aren't from this world , maybe you should try filling them in on basic information before accusing them of being offensive."
"First of all," she started "my name is Twilight. And secondly, if you wanted to know something, you could've just asked, and I would've been happy to fill you in. Lastly, for future reference, we as a species are known as ponies. So if you're going to treat us like we are animals, just know that we can treat you like the myth you were." She finished.
I stood and stared for a moment. Then I smiled. "Good to see you've got some balls after all." I held out my hand. "Athena."
She stood wide eyed, then shook her head and smiled back. "Twilight." And shook my hand.
I let go and said, "So. Where do we start?"
