Luna Has a Stupid F------ Dream
Luna Has a Stupid F------ Dream
by Siegfried Danzinger (Pegasus sexacus actually isn't my real name)
Luna tossed and turned. And, alternatively, turned and tossed. Sweat beads collected on her face and - demonstrating complete disregard for the behavior of sweat drops in Japanese animation - decided to get together to form a little river. The princess was not having a steamy sex dream; this will disappoint some people. (I apologize for any inconvenience.) She was, however, having a stupid fucking dream.
About cupcakes.
All of a sudden, Princess Luna arose with a gasp, "Gasp!" The aforementioned sweat beads went flying through the air and tried very hard to make like fighter planes; they failed quite miserably. The action-loving crowd will be similarly disappointed.
"How... But this simply makes no sense!" Obligatory "Luna Eclipsed" reference incoming. "The amount of sense that was made cannot be doubled!" It almost worked. "I mean... The amount of NON-sense..." Let's just move on. "Cupcakes?! Of all things, cupcakes!"
Luna had once, unbeknownst to anyone who watches the show, read a dubiously helpful self-help book about opening up to other ponies about the things that bother you. Not counting table of contents and all that jazz, it was about one page long. "Go and tell somepony," Luna remembered aloud. "And this is what I shall do! Thank you, dubiously helpful self-help book!"
Here's the fun part.
Luna told her sister (spoiler: her sister is Princess Celestia) about her shitty dream.
"And it was a dream of much shite! In fact, the amount of shite contained therein was d-"
"Luna, please," pleaded Celestia (spoiler: Princess Celestia is Luna's sister), "you've been going on about this 'cupcakes' related dream for half an hour."
"But, sister... I read a self-help book, and it informed me that, should I seek solace concerning a persisting problem..."
"The alliteration, please, Luna."
"...How might my ever-patient and infinitely wise sister who raises the sun as though it were but a lightbulb being replaced characterize this terrible, really terrible, just very damned terrible dream I unfortunately experienced?"
Princess Celestia thoughtfully pressed the back of a hoof to her chin, thinking both of how to answer her sister's question AND whether or not the lightbulb thing was insulting.
"The lightbulb thing was kind of insulting."
"Pray thee, forgive me, sister."
"And the dream was just fucking stupid."
"Oh."
Though Luna's respect for Celestia's opinion was not a thing she had in short supply (that means she respected her sister), she did not feel wholly relieved of the stress that the, just, really shitty dream had caused her.
"The self-help book was somewhat lacking in content," the princess considered. "I've little choice, then, but to assume that I simply have not adequately performed the first - and only - step advised within its one page."
So Luna asked Twilight Sparkle.
"Yeah, that's fucking stupid. Celestia was kind of on the mark with that one."
And Applejack.
"Regardin' what you was askin' me about that there dream you done had..." Okay, I'm not writing Applejack responsibly. I mean well; I really do. "...Was fuckin' stupid."
And Rarity.
"Fucking stupid, darling."
And Spike.
"The hell are you asking me? I'm a dragon; I only know dragon things. Except... Not really. And I'm actually thirty-five, but no one ever asks."
Spike wasn't very helpful.
And Princess Cadance. Cadence. No, Cadance. I... I don't know.
"Luna, I think that- Shining Armor. Shining Armor, dear. Could you please stop crying on everything."
"I'm NOT CRYING! It's LIQUID PRIDE!"
"Yes, you keep saying that, dear. But, for some inexplicable reason, your 'liquid pride' stains everything it comes in contact with."
"Bu-"
"Could you act like a damned stallion for o- oh. Sorry, Princess Luna. I'm very formal even though I'm a princess, too. Which would make the crybaby here a prince, but nevermind. Your dream?"
"Yes, oh fellow princess that unsurprisingly wooed the once-enslaved populace of the Crystal Em-"
"Haven't got time: Fucking stupid. The dream, I mean."
"I'm not fucking stupid," bawled Shining Armor.
"I didn't mea- I hate being married."
"What?" The sniffle heard 'round Equestria.
"I mean: I love you?"
And Rainbow Dash.
"And Rarity said?"
"Confirmation of its [expletive] stupidity."
"Uh, why are you doing that?"
"To what are you referring, oh rainbow-maned, fast-flying, plummeting-pony rescuing..."
"I'm gonna stop you right there; just put me down for another fucking stupid."
And Fluttershy.
"Omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh. That's so... Omigosh. Omigosh. That's the most... The most... Fucking idiotic piece of vile, gut-churning, foul-smelling, ear-fucking SHIT I've ever heard in my entire fucking life!"
Luna backed away slowly and pretended to have remembered an appointment elsewhere.
And I forget which ponies she's already asked. Oh, of course!
And Pinkie Pie.
The crazily-coiffed pink pony stuck her tongue out the side of her mouth and placed a hoof beneath her chin (like the thing Celestia did earlier, but Pinkie-er). "Hmmmm... HMMMM..."
"Yes?"
She paused, "What kind of sprinkles?"
"I shudder to think."
"Hmmmm..."
"Perhaps I could come back at another..."
"You realize that's not me, right? I mean, maybe it's SOME kind of me, but not the ME me you know. Right?"
"Uh... Yes. Yes, of course."
"And... I guess somepony might think it really was the really-me and get confused. But I only make the good kind of cupcakes. Not the kind like you had in your dream."
"This is certainly true."
"Or somepony might know that, even though it isn't ME-me, it might still be a kind-of me that was doing it to make somepony else smile. Do you follow?"
"Thus far."
"Hmmmm... Well, I could say it was [expletive] stupid. I could say it was uninspired, derivative, unremarkable, predictable, and all sorts of other things."
"You could. And essentially have."
"But I don't think it's really all that important enough to bother. Much less write an entire fanfic about how fucking stupid it is."
"I..."
"La la la, la LA!" Pinkie bounced happily off into the distance, leaving Princess Luna with her thoughts.
Luna placed a hoof beneath her chin (it's, like, a recurring thing), seemingly came to some sort of realization, and then said - a bit too loudly, "Perhaps next time I slumber I shall have a steamy sex dream." She did not mean to say it using her Royal Canterlot Voice, and she did not mean for Spike to hear it. But hear it, he did.
"I seriously am thirty-four... I mean five! With the thirty, first!"
"Shutteth the fuck up, O Spike the this and that and the other."
"Fiiiiiine. Sheesh."
The Fucking End
Author's Note
No F-bombs were harmed in the writing of this piece. Although, if they were, it would have been very silly.
