Return to Sender
AmyL
The House Guest
Humid, hot and hazy. The past few weeks were unbearable in Writing, Pennsylvania, cloudless skies sending the rays of the sun to scorch the earth around a one-storied house in the rural areas.
Another perfect day for Craig Rhodes to take a nap, snoring peacefully over a formless dream, waiting for his landlord and friend, Anna Butler to come back from her workout to get dinner ready.
“We have a purple unicorn as a house guest for dinner tonight, Craig. Do you mind?” asked the woman above the couch.
He opened his eyes from his nap, turning towards the sound of his landlord waking him up. When his eyes adjusted, they took in the blond-haired woman for a moment, then a purple pony with a fat little horn sticking out from the forehead leaning against his friend's waist.
At least, he hoped he was not being delusional to what he was seeing.
When Craig closed his eyes to make sure that he was not dreaming, the unicorn coughed nervously. “Ah, my name is Twilight Sparkle, sir? Your friend Anna found me unconscious alongside the road.” She twitched her tail, her purple eyes glancing briefly at the man's brown ones. “I told your friend about where I come from, what happened to myself and how I am unfamiliar with the customs of your lands.”
“Anna, how in the hell is she speaking? I mean-” Craig pointed down at Twilight, clenching his hands together. “And why the hell is she staying over here?”
“Because I am the landlord and I can invite anyone I want?” Anna smirked back, her blue eyes teasing him mercilessly. “Miss Twilight Sparkles is staying over for dinner and for the night. Oh, she will be sleeping on the couch, so you better spruce it up once you get up.”
Craig stared down at the unicorn in confusion, her comicallly large purple eyes silently pleading with him as she pawed anxiously at the ground with a hoof. “Pleased to meet you, Miss Twilight Sparkles,” he said in a mild voice.
He stood up and turned to pick up the strewn blanket to fold it; a stray thought running through his head of a large plush purple unicorn that he gave to his sister over two decades ago... before the fire...
“Thank you, Mr. Craig Rhodes, for allowing me to stay for dinner,” Twilight said behind him, glancing at the confused being fixing up the couch. “I promise I will tell my story over dinner tonight.”
Craig stared down at the purple unicorn, trying to find something to say as the smell of steamed broccoli drifted in the living room.
Weather. You can never go wrong with the weather, especially with a girl, er filly, whatever, he thought, then coughed. “So, um, how do you find the weather today, Miss Twilight Sparkles?”
The unicorn glanced around the living room, noticing the decor. A couch, some cushioned chairs, a poster of Anna wearing a red, white and blue uniform with epaulets on the shoulders on one side of the room. A huge oak desk spanning several feet rested against one corner of the room with several plastic bins and a trash bin right next to it. Up on the wall near the desk were a bunch of papers pinned to a bulletin board.
She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by Anna shouting from the kitchen, “Time for dinner you two! Come right in!"
The human and the unicorn stared at each other, then silently walked through the doorway leading to the kitchen.
“Twilight, you can sit there and Craig, you can sit over there,” Anna directed, pointing at each wooden chair with a mat on the seat. “Steamed broccoli and salad for the both of you.” Sighing in relief over the name of a familiar food, Twilight hopped on the chair and pulled it forward, looking down at the settings of the table.
“Broccoli, a plant of the cabbage family. Subspecies Brassica oleracea italica!” The unicorn immediately stopped rambling, seeing that both Craig and Anna were staring at her in disbelief. “Ahem,” she planted her hooves together and dropped her gaze to the round table before her, unsure of what else to say.
“Miss Twilight Sparkles told me that she is from the mystical, magical and wonderful land of Equestria that consists of unicorns, earth ponies and pegasuses,” Anna took control of the conversation, sitting down at the table and scooping out the steamed broccoli onto each plate.
“Actually, the plural of pegasus is pegasi, and my name is Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight interrupted Anna with a smile, lifting her hoof to pick up the fork. She stabbed the broccoli and brought it up to her mouth to start chewing on it.
“Actually, the English plural would be pegasuses since it is from the Greek word Pegasos, which does not properly form from an us to I plural,” Anna grinned back at Twilight, taking a bite of her own broccoli..
Oh God, save me from this conversation, Craig thought, praying fervently that dinner would end soon without his brain hurting.
“Now, as for Twilight Sparkles, well, your marks on your hind indicate multiple sparkles - hence, Sparkles, not Sparkle.” Anna continued. Her blue eyes darted merrily to her equine guest's, indicating that she was only kidding.
“First, pegasi is the plural where I come from. Second, my 'marks' are cutie marks which indicate a pony's special talent.” Twilight scowled back at Anna, both of them ignoring a glum Craig picking at his broccoli. “Anyway, you're quite correct. I am from the land of Equestria, ruled by Princess Celestia who raises the sun every morning.” she concluded.
“Every morning?” Anna blinked over Twilight's statement.
“Every morning for at least a millennium.” Twilight nodded proudly, hoping that the Princess would soon find her in this world and return her back to Equestria.
“From the east? Does she ever take a vacation? Did she ever get burnt by the sun?” Anna pressed on with her questioning. She started to take another bite to eat, then placed the fork on her plate.
Just how in the world was she able to place a fork in her hands, ah, hooves anyway? A horse, pony, whatever raising the sun while ruling over earth ponies, pegasuses and unicorns? Anna leaned back against her seat. There was plenty to think about even after several minutes of conversation from her guest.
“Of course from the east. No, she does not take a vacation, and of course she does not get burnt by the sun,” Twilight said a bit cross over her guest's flippancy. “She is the caretaker for everyone one of us, beloved by all, defender of the land, compassionate and tender-hearted.”
Craig sighed. This is how it is going to be for dinner, he figured.
“And that is how Equestria was made,” Twilight concluded, perfectly content and relaxed once all the plates were emptied.
“So how is she going to return home?” Craig asked bluntly, turning to face Anna while holding a hand to quiet Twilight's questions. “We need to talk. Anna and I. Alone.”
He stood up and pushed his chair back, glancing from the frowning Anna to the living room and back. Without saying a word, she stood up and followed him through to the other room, til they were out of earshot of their guest. They stood behind the couch, their hands resting on the back while staring at each other awkwardly for a minute.
“Ok, so how did you find this unicorn, who I’d like to point out is a bit of runt, has a fat little horn and is purple. Purple! Also, what made you decide that she needed to be brought over here so she can have a sleepover?” Craig demanded, waving his arm towards the direction of the kitchen.
Anna sighed deeply. “Alright, when I was driving home from work, I saw something lying down on the road. At first, I thought it was an expensive doll that someone accidentally threw out of their car. So I stopped the car, went over to it and noticed that it was breathing. Yes, I was surprised and even more surprised that she uttered a few words about where she was, who she was and who I am."
“I introduced myself, then I asked her where she was from. She was a bit hesitant to answer so I asked if she had any place to stay for the night and she said yes. Now, I am not going to turn her away since she is lost and probably has no one in the world to take care of her except for us,” Anna deeply sighed, gesturing towards the kitchen. “She is alone in the world, has no friends, I will not--”
“I swear on my life and our friendship that I will help Twilight Sparkle find a way home.” Craig saluted, saving Anna the embarrassment of explaining what lengths she would go to take care of the lost unicorn.
“Good,” Anna said with a grateful nod. “I hate to evict you from my house if you said screw it.”
Their wry grins matched one another.
“Twilight Sparkle, come in here please.” Anna turned her head, gesturing to the kitchen for Twilight to come over to the living room.
Anna and Craig stared at Twilight walking uncomfortably into the living room. The unicorn stared back at them both, eyeing their blank expressions with an air of trepidation.
“I promise that you will have a place to stay in my home, and to make sure that you will find a way to return you to your world. Anyway at all my dear, anyway at all,” Anna said, sweeping her eyes to study Twilight’s and Craig's reactions.
“I made a promise to Anna to help you, her guest out, I will make sure that you stay safe, and that you will find a way to get back home,” Craig said.
His eyes narrowed down at Twilight, softening over the memory of a girl just a few years older than him, laughing and smiling as she hugged the plush toy gift she had gotten.
He pushed the memory away. Twilight looked gratefully at the both of them.
“Anything at all Twilight, anything at all”
Anna flung several blankets and a pillow on the couch once Craig left the living room for the night “I apologize that you have to sleep in the living room but Craig needs his personal space,” she said kindly as she down on one end of the couch.
Poor thing, all alone in the world. When I found her along side the road, I thought that she was some sort of toy. Who was more surprised? Myself for seeing an adorable unicorn talk or her when I offered her a place to stay? She laughed aloud while Twilight hopped up on the other end of the couch, resting down on her flank on the cushion and flicking her tail back and forth on the armrest.
The unicorn glanced warily at her, then said “Miss Butler--”
“You may call me Anna. Actually, as my guest, you must call me Anna,” came the cheerful interruption.
“Yes, Miss, ah Anna,” Twilight corrected herself after a short pause.
“Relax Twilight, your princess will find a way to return you home. You told me that you were her faithful student.
Anna's eyes darted wickedly between the direction of Craig's room and Twilight. “You know, since you are going to be spending some time here, why not do a little sight-seeing? Of course, you cannot go outside looking like yourself but you should be able to disguise yourself. Just think of us as your tour guides. After all, we do have your best interests at heart for you to return back to Equestria.”
Twilight looked up at Anna, rising up on her haunches. “Really? You mean, you really would go to all this trouble for me?
“Well, for one, you would not be able to experience the wonderful libraries that are scattered all across the land. You told me that you were a librarian? Why not ask Craig if he can drive you over to the local library so that you can collect some data for a few theses for the advancement of organization and technology?”
Along with Craig getting the hell out of the house. My God, he is starting to get on my nerves just moping in self-pity, sleeping in when I get up at 3am to go to work and when I come back, he still sleeps!
Something clicked in Anna's mind.
You know, he did swear an oath to help her out and the little filly is just the type to go bonkers over the tiniest of things. Dot the I and cross the T sort of thing with the OCD to go along with it.
Twilight's eyes slowly widened. She felt her mood lifting from the gloominess she had sunk into earlier, and her heart was glad for it. None of what had happened to her in the past few hours made any sense. One moment she was sleeping after composing her daily letter to Princess Celestia, the next moment she was waking up near a strange road with two solid yellow lines running down the middle.
If it was not for Anna, I would not know what to do. I mean, cut open in the name of science? That is much horrifying that being exiled, then imprisoned or was it the other way around? A library? That does sound like fun but how large could it possibly be compared to the ones in Equestria?
Twilight's idiotic smile was just another piece of inspiration stirring in Anna's mind.
Craig needs some motivation to get out of the house. Twilight needs to keep her mind occupied so she won’t dwell on being in a strange land far from home and sink into depression. Since she is a librarian and he swore an oath, why not take advantage of them?
Plus the sight of a little unicorn sweetly driving Craig up the wall would be glorious.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Please forgive the horrible quality of the parchment called paper that this letter finds you on; and please also forgive my appalling writing. This writing implement I was given that they call a ballpoint pen is taking some getting used to.
If you are reading this, then it means that I have made it back safely to Equestria . Anna--who is actually called Anna Butler but she told me to call her just Anna--suggested that I should write to you about my experiences regarding the world I am currently stuck in, which is called Earth.
Anna is a human. I intend to study what the term means when Craig Rhodes takes me to the county library. Craig, as he insists on being called, is a tenant in Anna’s home; and what she calls a professional bum living in the past. I think that they are friends, through it’s difficult to tell.
This part of the world is called Writing, Pennsylvania. I am not sure about the population, what type of species and other information but I will endeavour to do quite a bit of research, that is if the libraries on this world are as sophisticated as the ones back in Equestria.
Anna and Craig seem to be nice people, which which is a positive sign regarding the world as a whole. As I mentioned before, it’s named “Earth”-- a bit plain and boring in my opinion. With that said, I was told very firmly that if anyone else found me, I would be turned over to the government authorities and be examined, questioned and possibly dissected for science! I suppose the planet’s name belies a bit of a colourful culture.
With that being the case, I’m all the more grateful for Anna finding me when she did; and deciding to take me in and look after me. I probably wouldn’t be writing this letter otherwise.
There is so much more I want to write down, but for now I need to sleep so I can prepare a disguise in the morning. I need to look like one of the humans if I want to go to the library... an illusion spell should do the trick! I’m glad I spent so much time in the Starswirl the Bearded wing at the Canterlot Library. I wonder if this library has anything like it? I guess I’ll see tomorrow.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkles
P.S I really miss Ponyville, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Spike and you Princess. Good night.
The Purposeful Librarian
“This is one of the libraries around Writing, Pennsylvania,” said Craig to Twilight. He was not sure what he found more disturbing about her: the sparkles of anticipation in her eyes as though she had found a lost treasure, or that she had cast an illusion spell to disguise herself as a petite brunette child.
“Look, I have to ask you Twilight. Just how in the hell did you manage to disguise yourself as a little girl?”
Twilight beamed, “A wizard did it!”
“A wizard did it,” he said flatly
“Oh, Anna told me to say that to you if you asked,” Twilight grinned up at him. She continued after a pause to swallow. “Actually, I am Princess Celestia's most faithful student, her personal protege, the leading apprentice in Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, the representative of the Element of Magic, a life-long student that studied the works of the great Starswirl the Bearded.”
Anna told you to say it. Of course she did.Craig thought, berating himself for not seeing that one coming.
He turned his head away from the glare of the sun, cursing at the humid heat. Up ahead, the one-story windowed building, half-shadowed by the roof, promised cool shelter inside. Looking through the windows, there was no one to be seen except for a bored, elderly librarian near a counter.
“How many libraries are around this area?” Twilight squealed, grasping Craig's hand gleefully as she hopped up and down excitedly. “How many books are in this library? How do they keep track of the ponies, ah humans, I mean people that check them out? How can I get a library card? What are those typewriters with the funny colored blackboards? Oh and it is gorgeous outside! How do you control the state of the atmosphere? How do you affect the phenomena that occur in the troposphere? Who raises the sun every morning? Who raises the moon? What about the surface temperature differences in turn causing pressure differences...”
Kill Anna or kill the unicorn. Anna because she dragged me into this mess. Twilight because she is going to drive me to homicide, Craig gritted his teeth, tugging on Twilight's hand, er hoof to take her inside.
“Our collection includes juvenile, young adult and adult books, audio CDs and audio tapes, music CDs, videos and DVDs, magazines, and online databases including our Access PA and Power Library databases,” the librarian droned on, nodding at an entranced Twilight and a suffering Craig.
“Within the library, we have 13 computers that offer high-speed Internet access as well as MS Office '07 suite. We offer both color and black & white printing, a copy machine and fax services. We additionally offer a public wireless access 'hot spot' for Internet access on your laptop with your wireless network card. We offer a Summer Children's Reading Program and a Toddler and Pre-School children's Program during the fall, winter and spring months. Please visit our calendar of events for the latest information on all of our happenings. We have also placed our library catalog online for your convenience as well as a tutorial on how to use our online catalog. Our Dedicated Book program provides an opportunity to remember a special person or special event by placing a memorial book in the library.”
A puzzled look wrote itself across the unicorn’s currently disguised face. “What is a CD--” she began, but her question was swiftly cut off
“Thank you very much for your time in explaining the services that you have to offer ma`am,” Craig forced a smile at the librarian while grabbing Twilight, turning her around and pushing her towards the non-fiction section.
“Craig! I have so many questions to ask in order to formulate essays on how to advance library organization and technology back in Equ—ow!” Twilight gasped, glaring up at the man with a hurt look.
“At least do not say where you come from, alright?” Craig forced a grin at Twilight, scanning the library to see if anyone noticed him hitting a child.
That would be all he needed; to be hauled in and brought up on charges of child abuse and harboring an alien. God, Anna would either kill him for letting Twilight fall into government hands or laugh over the multiple indictments
“Fine,” Twilight frowned, narrowing her eyes to stare towards a placard marked “Dewey Decimal System.” Aha! A numbered system! I see that there are some basic standards regarding organization standards of libraries in, ha ha, I mean around the country! Though the classifications confuse me. Zero Zero Zero Computer Science? What are computer sciences? Oooh, I notice that you have philosophy, psychology, zoology, social sciences and languages. How many languages are there in your world?” Twilight tilted her head at the placard, mouthing off the rest of the classifications while Craig's eyes were glazed over in horror.
Exhaustion, tendonitis, migraines, fat as a pig, out of shape; I survived hostile countries only to be driven to the nuthouse by a fu--er freaking unicorn that I made a promise to. My life is a living hell.
Craig clasped his hand over his eyes, wondering why he made that promise again. Oh right, because you gave your sister a unicorn that looked like Twilight before she died. And Anna would have guilt-tripped you into it. And you wanted to do something good.
“How many books am I allowed to check out, ma’am? Oh, I need to have my parent sign me up for a library card? Certainly, Mr--er my father would be thrilled to fill out the forms for my library card to allow me to pursue your cult, er, start studying for school! It is never too late to study the differences of library philosophy and library science!”
Craig stood up dully from his chair. This was getting out of hand, and it was only the first day. The unicorn wasn’t just nuts, she was also getting excited over a library out in the county. What kind of world was it that she lived in that she was excited over a county library?
Most likely a boring one.
“Give me a few minutes, ah Sammi, I need to check something out on the computers. Why don't you be a good little fil, er girl and check out what books you want?” Craig recoiled in horror over Twilight's smile widening by the second, quickly realising the danger of what he’d just said. “Eight books, just eight books only!” He glared at Twilight while settling in front of a computer.
Turning his attention to the screen and ignoring the look of disappointment being aimed at him, he pounded on the keys to check the local news sites. He didn't expect to find anything interesting, but it was a good excuse for not having to deal with the unicorn right now.
Nothing but the same old crap in the world except for....
“Oh hell,” he muttered in horrid fascination over a picture of Twilight laying unconscious near a dirt road. The caption above the picture read “MYSTERIOUS TOY FOUND, THEN DISAPPEARED, NO CLUE REGARDING OWNER.”
“So, how did Twilight enjoy the library today Craig?” Anna asked him from the kitchen table, glancing up from a pile of mail that she was sorting as he walked in. “Did you two have a good time?”
“Yes, yes I had a wonderful time,” Craig said coldly, sitting down across from Anna as she picked up an envelope, narrowing her eyes over the address.
“Really? After 15 years, my wonderful, lovely and caring family takes the time to write to me! Me!” The disgust in Anna’s voice was accompanied by the sound of ripping paper as she tore the letter to pieces. Flecks of paper fluttered down through the air, settling on the table as she mercilessly shredded the offending piece of mail. She let out a heated breath.
“I had a nice day at work with the managers telling me that I am in line to be promoted from a full-time supervisor of the line to a manager in several years, a great time at the dojo working out and had lunch with an old friend,” Anna stated, her voice coming out in a snarl. Then to Craig she added, “Good, I am so glad that you had a pleasant excursion with Miss Twilight Sparkles.”
“Congratulations,” he said mildly, a bit unnerved by her loss of control. Her frustration was evident, but he knew better than to try talking about it. That was a lesson he’d learned the hard way some time ago.
Anna didn't bother to say anything else, staring down at the pieces of the letter emotionlessly.
“Twilight had a wonderful time at the library,” he said calmly. His hands were down on his lap, fidgeting with a folded piece of paper. “I even got her a library card.”
While killing my eardrums with all her questions. Twilight, the best at school, the best in magic, the best, nothing but being the God damn best. Craig closed his eyes, breathing slowly over the memory of her annoying words.
Just like you Anna, part of the best. Best at work, best at sports, best at knowing how to turn a pretty word and even able to have the looks for the complete package.
While I used to be part of the best. Craig opened his eyes, his bitter thoughts driving aside the surprise that he found earlier on the webs.
“That is nice Craig,” Anna absent-mindedly muttered at him. “You two had a great day today. Is there anything else before I prepare for dinner?”
“Yea, I found this earlier on the news sites today,” he warned her, though Anna seemed to have her emotions under control. “Does this look familiar?”
He handed the folded paper to her, watching her reaction carefully as she unfolded it. She paused and looked at the piece of paper that he printed out earlier.
“There was no one around when I found her yesterday,” Anna paused, correcting herself. “So someone took the picture and left the area to probably find someone else to—”
She paused, grasping to find the right words.
“—examine her and turn her over to the authorities.”
He didn't need to her to tell him that was bad news, someone finding and taking a picture of the unicorn. They would have to be on their guard: if it was discovered that they were harbouring the unicorn, it would all be over. He would lose his pension, Anna would lose her job and their home, and all three of them would be shipped off to some kind of government imprisonment. In the unicorn’s case... he didn’t want to think about what modern science would want with her.
They stared aimlessly at each other, thoughts lost in the silence.
“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I am here today to reveal all the secrets of your words, sentences and bindings!” Twilight rubbed her hooves, merrily staring at eight assorted books stacked on the coffee table that she picked at random from the library earlier today. A small library from what Craig said that held over 50,000 books. 50,000!
They must value education highly in Writing, Pennsylvania. The almanac should tell me how many people live in this country, let alone the world!
“History! Atmospheric Science! Biology! Common Myths and Lore! A manual of the latest gadgets and devices of the 21st century. Architecture The almanac of 2011! Hmmm, I wonder if that was a good year or a bad year?” She rubbed her chin grooved thoughtfully, wondering if she could find all the other almanacs from 1 to 2010. That would be at least 2,000 books alone. 2,000 books! Wouldn't it be great if she could just take an entire library back with her once she either researched a way to get home or Princess Celestia would find a way to contact her so she can return?
“I will be the best pony ever in the fields of organization, technology and--”
She held up a book titled 'Powerpoints and Presentations for Beginners.”
“Public speaking! Just imagine every pony listening to what I have to say with these techniques that have surely been passed down for many generations!”
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today was a portentous, prodigious and stupendous day on Earth in Writing, Pennsylvania. To be accurate, at the local Writing Community Library. It would be remiss of me to say that it is like any library in Equestria, even the one at Canterlot because the one that Craig Rhodes took me to today has over 50,000 books! Almost as many books as the Canterlot library! Once I have returned to Equestria, I shall present my thesis regarding the expansion of various library services along with the collections for each and every single library.
Now, regarding the only major intelligent inhabitants of the planet Earth, which oddly enough are not named Earthlings but rather humans. They are a race which are defined as a group of people classified as belonging to the one species, Homo Sapiens. From the research that I have so studiously examined from their own collection of anatomy, biology and anthropology (the latter of which is the study of humans), the most significant differences between these races are languages, hair and facial features and skin color. I am intrigued to study these differences in the future by donning my disguise as a human child, perhaps with some variations in the illusion, for further field research.
Regarding Craig, he seemed to be a bit put out when we were at the library, listening to the librarian describing the services to me. When I was told that I could check out six books on almost every subject, his face began to pale. I wonder why this is so? Maybe he was under the weather?
Oh, the weather on Earth! Anna told me that no one controls the weather. At all! I could not even begin to put it all together. How are they able to raise crops? How are they able to know when it snows so they can get ready for the winter?
This is almost impossible to believe from my own words but I have too much data and information I need to collate. It is simply impossible at this time to even describe an iota of the history of this world, let alone the countries, government and customs.
Once I have collected my thoughts and reexamined the wondrous sources before me, I will be able to organize my thoughts and write up a detailed letter, complete with several pictures, about humanity.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S Oh, Craig suggested that I travel with Anna to her place of employment tomorrow. Something to do with shipping packages to people in Writing. I admit that I am intrigued of the process of how humans receive their shipment from the package warehouse, which Craig says is a UPS. Since tomorrow is Take Your Daughter to Work Day at this package center, I shall take the opportunity to infiltrate it with my disguise and examine the process closely of the unloading, sorting and delivery of the shipments and packages that Writing receives and sends.
