Anthrexia: A New Element

The lift took me down, down through the vessel, for an even longer time than the ladder did.

"How fucking big is this place?"

"The vessel extends 231 kilometers below the surface of Eden."

"Jesus fuck-off Christ, that's like 150 miles! How fast am I going?"

"The lift you are currently occupying has just begun it's deceleration cycle down from it's max speed of 750 kilometers per hour."

"Double Christ."

I waited a few more moments, and the lift deposited me at the entrance of a tall chamber. It was dark, by the flickering light of my Zippo I failed to see the walls or the ceiling.

"Suck my dick!" I called into the void, hoping to gauge the size of the cavern by the echo. It was a solid three seconds before the returning call of "My dick, my dick!" answered out of the abyss. And with it came a terrible chattering, like a band or maracas strung up on twanging clotheslines.

"What the fuck?" I said out loud, in a whisper. The chattering continued for another second, and then stopped, all at once, echoing eerily. I was getting genuinely creeped out at this point, suppressing a shiver down my spine as I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other.

The floor beneath my feet was all I could see for a long time, the same featureless, gray shale, occasionally dotted with a fossilized sea creature. I thought of my poor little lighter and came to a decision. This was a really long fucking cavern and I can't remember when I filled this thing last. I stopped walking, and closed my eyes, then flicked the only light I had shut.

The chattering started again, and I began to genuinely panic.

"Computer lady? Cortana? Siri?"

"If you had bothered to ask, you would know that my name is Mancala."

"Mancala, I'm sorry, I need your help, please. I'm going to shit myself if I don't get some context to what the fuck is going on."

"The sensors I have access to indicate the life forms that have taken residence in the chamber are eusocial and colonial to some degree, and avoiding you by a wide margin. It's possible they have an aversion to you, as a Human Royal you represent a significant threat. I will activate emergency lights to lead you to primary control access. From there you can initiate a full reboot of the vessel, which will flush the local biosphere and reseed from scratch."

A little red light flicked on in the distance.

"God bless your fucking soul, Mancala. If it was possible, I'd kiss you."

I took off at a full sprint, following the beacon. I didn't feel like much of a significant threat. To my horror, the chattering got louder as I ran.

Just as I was reaching my limit, the light started to get closer. Tears in my eyes, I could see the little light, my savior, my saving grace...

I tripped.

My leg is fucking caught on something! It's got me!

I was launched upward, I don't know how high, I can't see.

I could feel the thing, trying to bite me. It's teeth were blunt, like a person's, and as I pushed it away I felt a fleshy nose and a mass of curly beard. I pulled my knife, my last ditch effort, and I must have got an eye. The bastard screeched and leaped off me, knocking my wind away.

I gasped, rolling to my feet and running for my actual fucking life in the dark.

Oh my God in Heaven hear my prayer, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil...

Running to that little light. It was set in a circular stone slab at waist height, I nearly bagged myself on the console.

"Mancala!?!"

The light flicked from red to green and a palm print glowed on the console. I slapped that motherfucker.

"Royal signature accepted. Full system reboot in progress."

A sphere flashed into being, a shield of some kind, we've all played the new Halo. Beyond the field, nuclear fire raged, incinerating the aphotic biosphere that had come into being in the absence of Human maintenance. The monsters, in the light of their destruction, were big fuck-off spiders with hairy faces that were definitely not human. Maybe a little fleshy, but nothing like the melting old man face I'd imagined.

I guess the dark does weird stuff to your head. At least now I don't have to imagine the melting part.

"So, Mancala, how long is the reboot or whatever gonna take?"

"It will take less time if you would stop wasting my processing power on inane questions. I've been running on point-zero-zero-one percent power for six thousand years; you can wait five minutes while I spin up the reactor and burn out some of this gunk. You'll find I clean up quite nicely."

"Cleaning up is what I'm talking about, I'm gonna need a fresh pair of pants. Seems I've pissed myself."

. . .

Dick: My bad, guys. Bladder's on my team, I'm supposed to keep him under control.

Brain: I don't think any of the previous situation was in our control. Valiant effort, boys.

. . .

Mancala wasn't lying, she did clean up nicely. Not just the giant underground cavern part, though that was very nice to look at as well. Seeing a Human for the first time in days was refreshing, especially after what I'd been though. The woman was short, and plain-looking, with brown hair and a heart-shaped face; She kinda looked like a soccer mom. Without breathing or blinking or even moving very much, she explained that the pretty woman who brought me some fresh pants was a robot, controlled by her. The robot-lady spoke in Mancala's voice, leading me through the bunker. "What do you think, Your Grace?"

"It's gourgeous, Mancy. You're gourgeous." Crystalline lamps had sprung to life along the ceiling, illuminating the gigantic space. You could have easily fit a pair of football stadiums end-to-end in this chamber that is supposedy the control room. Big, trundling machines folded out of trapdoors, and seemed to be laying down sod, beginning the process of covering the stone floor. "Why are they doing that?"

"The interior of the vessel is designed to be a perfect, sustainable ecosystem built around Human beings. I have been in standby for a very long time and I would very much like to have some Humans living inside me again. It is my purpose, after all, what point is there in an empty vessel?"

"Hate to disappoint you, toots, but I'm the only one here." I shook my head, daunted by the sheer scale.

"We'll see. In my experience, where there is one Human, more tend to follow. In that vein, I have taken the liberty of awakening the Oracle of Delphi. She will be arriving momentarily."

Another trapdoor opened in the floor, and a box that could only be described as a casket was hoisted up. There's gonna be a fucking dead body in there.

I hate when I'm right.

The casket slid open with a hiss, allowing the smoky smell of dried flesh to escape, and revealing a clearly female mummified corpse. She had been stored wearing a blue dress with gold adornments, there were dried flowers and trinkets with her as well. "Oh, man, she's dead as hell, is this her?"

"Pithia died in the Reckoning, felled by a unicorn soldier as she led civilians to the bunker. Her body was recovered and stored here. The Oracle had not chosen a new host, and decided to remain within me during the Culling. Apparently she foresaw herself serving some sort of purpose here."

I reached out to touch the corpse, on instinct, as if I could glean some knowledge from a touch. Little did I know.

The moment I touched the mummified hand, it jerked with movement, and before I could pull away, it had me, the corpse pulling me close and screeching "LET ME IN!"

It wasn't really a negotiation.

. . .

Celestia didn't need prophetic dreams or magical clairvoyance to sense that John had done it.

The tremors from the mountain shook the castle down to it's base. Waking from a feast-induced coma to the rumbling of a wing of the castle collapsing had put Celestia in a particularly unforgiving mood. It was bad enough that Humanity had resurfaced, and was now on the fast track to once again becoming a potential threat to her species,

But couldn't he at least accomplish it in a timely manner, during business hours?

The Celestial Sisters flapped laboriously together over the cliff side, gliding over the hedge maze, looking for him.

They found him in a clearing nearly a mile from where they had left him, wearing different trousers and a haunted look. He'd made a little campfire and continued to stare into it as they approached, as if searching for answers.

"So, John, how did things go?" She asked him casually, deciding to just let him react how he would and deal with it.

"I shut down the anti-magic field. You should be able to get in, now." He still didn't move.

Celestia turned to go inspect the Vessel, but Luna hesitated. "John, what happened?"

"I learned that this isn't over. Not by a long shot." He stood up and crossed his arms, shadows covering his cheeks. "I wanna go back to Ponyville. I need to talk to Twilight, and I made a promise to a monster."